The life and experience of a converted infidel

Preface

In this little volume will be found someof the matter that appeared in the " Christian Advocate and Journal" of the year 1849, in a series of" articles on " Christian Experience," under the author's proper signature. The portions extracted from those articles, however, comprise but a very inconsiderable amount of the entire book, most of which now, for the first time, meets the public eye.

When the writer shall meet his readers in the great concourse at the general judgment, may the memory of what has been written, and what has been read, not be

4 PREFACE.

accompanied with that sorrow for which many immortal spirits are now preparing themselves, by sensual and vile publications, but be blessed, is the prayer of

The Authob.

Red Bank, N, J., May 22, 1852.

Contents

CHAPTER L

BIRTH AND EAELY LIFE.

Author's nativity — Parentage — Wesley — Schooling — Grammar — Fancies — Legends — Superstition — Filial affection — Dread of war— Timidity— Training — Accident — Somnambulism — Kick from a horse— Leaving home— Reflections— Poetry— Reminiscences Page 9

Chapter II. Stifling Of Early Convictions

Serious impressions — Desires to be good — Sign-seeking — Praying — Apprenticed — Removal to Newark, N. J. — City privileges — Country-boy appearance — Hears preaching: Mr. Baird, Mr. Powers, Parson Ogden, Dr. Griffin, Mr. Jones, Mr. Lybrand — Partial awakening — Dread of ridicule — Prayer-meeting — Summerfield 19

CHAPTER HI.

FIRST STEPS TOWARD SCEPTICISM.

Youthful thoughts not to be overlooked — Scepticism fruit of bad conduct — Reached by degrees — Carelessness — Merriment — Neglect of God's .house — Sceptical blindness — Sabbath desecrations — Faults of professors — Fondness for fiction — Apprentices' Library — British spy — Lorenzo Dow — Court-house meetings — Increased impenitence — Fathers death — Grief— Mother's iemoval to Newark — Hardened by sorrow of the world 31

CONTENTS.

Chapter IV. Settling Down In Deism — Then Unsettled

Doubting and perplexing uncertainties — Reading infidel authors — Married — Love of astronomy — Homer — Poetry — Authors that will do to read — Theatrical — Political — Burke and Beattie — Infidel and his wife — Universalism — Young Men's Society — Infidel showing how to die — Property and business — Temerity and rebuke — Enmity against God — Opposition to Providence — Letter from uncle in Ireland — Unsettled in mind by young converts —Cholera — Joking — Anger toward Rev. C. Pitman. . . . Page 43

Chapter V. Conversion

Change of heart of great importance — Alarm of a comet — Speech in a tavern — Resolution — Serious thoughts — Abused Bible examined — Name of Jesus — Scriptures — Bonnet — Note — Resurrection of Jesus — David Young's explanation — Temperance pledge — Saturday night — Despondent thoughts — Tracts — Pitman's preaching — Conviction — Alone wandering in the field at night — Portrait — Rejecting false hope — Increased conviction — Camp-meeting — Loud laugh of an infidel — First day at the camp— Pulled into the tent — Hat gone — Goes home — Tries to pray — Second day — Early exercises— Retires with Aaron in the woods — Open confession — Sermon at night by Mr. Cookman — Third day — Opposition to Methodism— Fasting— Tempted to suicide — Prayer of Rev. W. Robertson — Sudden change— Joy unspeakable— Irrepressible shouting 61

CHAPTER YI.

GROWTH IX CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE.

Not satisfied to be at ease in Zion — A miracle of grace — Spiritual vision — Christ is God — Transports of joy — Testimony lost— Happy at home by confessing Christ — Breaking a long fast — First attendance at love-feast — Joining Church — Sabbath appearing new — Swoon— First prayer in public— Opposition from my mother — Faults confessed — No business in a political meeting — Need felt of holiness — Prayer for it — Language unguarded in confession — Fasting — Opposition to it — Simultaneousness between justification and sancUfication— Profession— Fruits of holiness — Helps fmm preachers and books — Reflections 98

CONTENTS.

Chapter VII. Visits To Tammany Hall

Preliminary remarks— Piratical vessel— Christian experimental testimony superior to logical argument — First visit — Speech of Mr. B. Offen — Eeply to it — Second visit — Speech by young man — Eeply to it— Third visit— Speech of B. Offen— Eeply to it- Fourth and last visit — Speech in favour of Christianity— B. Offen's reply and interrogatories Page 121

CHAPTER VtLL

CALL TO THE MINISTRY.

Preliminary— Class-leading— Eelieved of the burden — Resumes it — Exhorter's license— Anxiety for friends— Frenchman— Pride humbled — Exhortations on the wharf — Man with a jug — Meeting on the deck of a vessel — First sermon — Advice in reference to preaching— Local preacher's license — Preaching — Eecommendations to annual conference — Eeceived finally by that body- Gospel preaching, what it should be— Style— Manner— Eloquence 148

Chapter IX. Dealings Of Providence

Providence a school— Class-meeting — Lesson in it— Visit for several days in Connecticut — Hand of Providence seen on my return — Settling of grocer's bill — Extraordinary means in paying a debt of twenty-eight dollars — Englishman's guinea — Plainness no hinderance to preachers — Poor sick woman — Poor family on Saturday night — Letter-carrying business adapted to doing good — Money to be used on gospel principles — This world a sceue of trial— Reflections 1T2

Chapter X. Evidences Of Bible Truth Tested

Truth an uncreated law— Love of divine truth— Truth of divine existence— Laws of nature God's mode of operation — Conversation on a steamboat with an infidel — Tavern keeper's opinion of the superior brother — Sceptic reproved by Anno Domini — Weak-

CONTENTS.

ness of infidel resolution when properly tested — Infidels unable to define true Christianity — The infidel resisting shadows— Credulous magistrate — Repeating the Lord : s Prayer Page 193

CHAPTER XL

INCIDENTS AND REFLECTIONS.

Preliminary — Dead man turned black — Reflections — Acknowledgment of a fault — Pernicious sentiment cherished by a young man — Sent back with a hammer taken without liberty — Companions filling graves of drunkards— Discontented infidel — Rich old man satisfied with this world — Reflections— Drunkard burned to

death — Reflections Judgments on the Impenitent — Infidel's

conduct in church — His horrible death — Reflections — A supposition for an illustration of man's ingratitude to God 216

CHAPTER XLT.

FRAGMENTS GATHERED UP IN THE ITINERANCY.

Pacts to be observed — 1841, appointed to Rome and "Wantage Circuit — Hand of Providence — Preaching commencement — Fruits — 1842, returned — Rev. R, Launing — Infidel fixtures — Bribe — 1843, Ordained deacon — Sent to Stanhope Circuit — 1844, returned — Protracted meeting in a schoolhouse — 1845, ordained elder, appointed to Belvidere Station — 1S46, returned — 1S4T, appointed to Madison Circuit — 1848, returned — 1849, sent to Mariners' Harbour, Staten Island — 1850, appointed to Allentown Circuit — 1851, returned— Reflections — 1S52, sent to Red Bank— Reflections 231

CHAPTER XIII.

CONCLUDING REMARKS.

That children are subjects of spiritual operations — Experimental testimony — Methodism the best form of vital Christianity — In its doctrines — Ministry — Preaching — Government — Methodism in its position — In its origin — Universal adaptation to exigencies — Probable consequences — Increase of Christ's kingdom to the end 260

THE

CONVERTED INFIDEL.

Chapter I. Birth And Early Life

How dear to this heart are the scenes of my childhood, "When fond recollection presents them to view.

Woodwoeth.

I was born on the thirtieth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and three. The place of my nativity was a sequestered spot in Morris County, ISTew-Jersey, where the woods often echoed from rocks and mountains with " the wolfs long howl." My sojourn in this my birthplace was brief — not quite two years. Although the spot of earth first looked upon by my infant eyes has left no pictures on the canvass of my memory, yet, in long after-life, when I visited it, it seemed to me that my peculiar love of woods and mountain-scenery received in infancy its first impulse. The first impressions of childhood are strong.and durable ;

and this should not be forgotten by parents in their endeavours to make impressions upon the tender minds of their offspring. Before I was two years old my parents, with their two children — an infant brother and myself — removed to Pompton township, in the adjoining county of Bergen, where I spent fifteen years of my youthful existence among its wooded hills, vales, and plains.

My parents were poor, but of good moral reputation : both being in the habit of reading much in the Bible ; and, although neither of them enjoyed experimental religion, they held the word of God in great veneration. I can never forget how highly my mother prized the Bible which she received as a donation from the " Bible Society." How much is attributable to the influence of that Bible, under God, as the means of her children's welfare, will not probably be known until the day of eternity declares it, and the final destinies of man are sealed.

My father was a native of Ireland ; and, because of his early religious training probably, held ever after strenuously to the faith and forms of the Church of England. My grandfather, on my father's side, was a native of England, who married an Irish lady and settled in Ireland, and was visited at his own house by Mr. Wesley a number of times during the great Methodist revival of primitive religion in Great Britain, and became a Methodist. My father had thus an opportunity of seeing the founder of Methodism, and of hearing him preach. I have heard him describe the person of Mr. "Wesley, and frequently remark, that " while Mr. Whitefield was the more eloquent in the delivery of a sermon, Wesley was the more fluent and mighty in the Scriptures."

My father emigrated to this country in the year 1793. He landed in the city of New- York, after a voyage of ten weeks — quite a longvoyage when compared with the time to make one now by Atlantic steamers. He was in the city of Philadelphia during the rage of the yellow fever there in that year, and was bereaved of an elder brother suddenly by it, who had preceded him in making a home in this land of freedom, and was an attraction here that led my father from his early home. The loss of a beloved brother had a melancholy effect upon him. He often spoke of this sad event — of his bereft and lonely state in a land of strangers — with fastfalling tears. My father was acknowledged by those acquainted with him to possess talents, information, and agreeable manners. He was often called upon by his neighbours to give counsel on points of law, to write wills and deeds, &c, and to read the Scriptures at the bedside of the sick. His chief occupation, during the latter part of his life, was teaching school. In this business of training the youthful mind, and starting it on a journey that will never end, he was deemed competent and successful ; and would have been more so, but for causes in his habits to be deplored, over which I would drop the veil with a tear.

My mother held to the Dutch Reformed Church ; and, with the consent of my father, had her four children (of whom I am the eldest) all christened by a minister of that denomination. She was industrious and economical, and did much for the good of her children. With uncompromising perseverance she strove, in honest labour and toil, to rear a family of children, which consisted of four sons and one only daughter.

Before I was thirteen years of age I received most of the schooling I have ever had ; and this was at long intervals, under the tuition of my father, who, at times, taught in places too distant from home for me to attend. My education was, therefore, "finished" in two additional quarters of " night school," and I was forced to " graduate" with but a slight knowledge of reading,

BIRTH AND EARLY LIFE.

writing, and arithmetic. English grammar I was never systematically taught, and the language used by my associates was very imperfect, being a mixture of corrupt Low Dutch and bad English. I had many- strange ideas that should have been corrected. Some of the hills, in the vicinity of my early home, I looked upon as mounds or monuments thrown up by a race of huge giants that once peopled this country, to perpetuate the memory of their dead. That bird of night, the whippowil, whose doleful notes I heard when but a child three years old, held up for the purpose in my father's arms, as near by in the woods it would haunt our dwelling, I viewed as a messenger from the land of spirits to warn men of some coming direful event. Even unto the present I dislike the music of that tongueless bird. The croaking of innumerable frogs in early spring, I took to be the noise of the galloping of horses over flat rocks. A watch and a gun I concluded to belong to the thinking race. This appeared to mo quite evident from the nature of their operations and performances. Witches riding on broomsticks through the air, on moonlight nights, formed a part of my creed ; and ghosts and hobgoblins were often in my " night thoughts " and also in my " day-dreams."

Such fancies, I have reason to believe, received a kind of nourishment and strength from the legends and fairy tales about " Irish wakes " and the " Banshie," related often by my father, who loved to have his children about him, pleasing them with many a marvellous story brought with him from his native land. On summer evenings he would sit under the tree before the door, smoking his pipe, with closed eyes, telling us of wild adventures, and " hair-breadth 'scapes," and ghostly sights, until the place would almost appear alive with " face-thronged visions." How much wrong there was in all this is probably not now to be known. It kindled up the young imaginations of the children, and was in the father a strong attraction drawing them toward him. The powers of imagination in the children doubtless were strengthened by the activity induced. Children are fond of the marvellous, and such fondness is sometimes realized in the fruit of seed sown early, through all the afterstages of life. The imagination should not be neglected, to run wild; it should be properly cultivated. Superstition, however, with every deviation from moral and Scriptural truth, ought to be avoided with care by parents, in their familiar intercourse with their children ; for many are the unnecessary fears and frights, and ner-

BIRTH AND EARLY LIFE.

vous agitations, experienced by those who, while young, have had their minds injuriously wrought upon by story-tellers, in their relations of signs, ominous tokens, haunted houses, witches, and ghosts.

I was a puny child, imaginative and timid, and loved my father with filial affection, and placed unbounded confidence in his ability. On all occasions, when danger seemed to threaten, I flew to him for relief. When I was sick, he alone was the physician that could cure me. In dark and stormy seasons, when he was absent, my mind was gloomy beyond description. How fearful to me was the day fixed upon by the noted impostor, " Hughes," as the period in which the world was to be burned ! How sad was I, on the morning of that day when it arrived ! Then how confidently did my father assure me there was no truth to be relied on in the impostor's prophecy ! The reliance I placed on my father's word in this matter was all that bore me up until the day was past.

The second war in which our country was involved with Great Britain had also an alarming effect upon my tender mind, as I heard frequent reports, from time to time, of its operations and progress. The appearance of the soldiers in their regimental uniforms — their bright sashes,

THE CONVERTED INFIDEL.

nodding plumes, and glittering steel — while drafting men and enlisting recruits for the regular army, amid the music of the " stirring drum " and " ear-piercing fife," under the banner of stripes and stars ! all filled me with trembling and dread. Then I hung upon my father's words about " the war," as though they had been oracles. I wished for peace. When other children of my age would run to where the soldiers were gathering, I would shrink away and hide myself. Once, after the war was ended, I was induced to go to a " general training and as I, with a number of persons of both sexes, was approaching the parade-ground, I heard the report of a gun, and saw the white cloud of smoke rise from a point in the training ranks, instantly a young lady near me fell, the blood gushing from her temple. She was caught in her fall by a gentleman walking at her side. It was an accident ; and a buckshot was cut from the scalp, not having penetrated the skull, and she soon recovered. This circumstance made a strong impression on my mind, and gave me a dislike for firearms. I have never yet owned a gun.

My timidity, I think, has been owing, in some degree, to a constitutional nervous weakness, which showed itself often in frightful fancies and

BIRTH AND EARLY LIFE.

disturbed sleep and dreams. I frequently rose out of my bed in the night, and walked abroad in my sleep. I have walked in this way hastily over ledges of rocks, watched by my brothers, not at all conscious of danger. The clouds, it seemed to me, could I have reached the tops of them, were as permanent a place to walk upon as the earth. I could recall, when awake, the feelings I had during the state of somnambulism. I was cured of this complaint, by having my feet bathed in hot water while in the paroxysm.

Every incident occurring in youth, with everything calculated to arrest the early attention, has a lasting effect upon the mind. Then sympathies and antipathies are formed, possibly never to die. "When but a small boy, I received a severe kick from a horse in the breast, leaving me in a state of stupor, bordering on death, for some time. I never after could have a liking for horses, and have never owned one, and probably never will.

The scenes of my early life, though marked with regretted sins, are still dear to my recollections. " The cot of my father," that stood upon the mountain's sunny side, with its rude unplaned clapboards and roof — its chimney of lath and clay — its large fireplace, in the corner of which I 2

THE CONVERTED INFIDEL.

have often studied my lesson — and the uncarpeted floor and rude furniture — I delight to remember ; and I love to dwell on

MY EARLY MOUNTAIN-HOME.

I sit and view, by memory's light, My mountain-hoine of early days —

Each pleasing scene of young delight, And all on which I used to gaze :

That cottage, nestled 'inong the trees ;

That sloping green before outspread ; That green vine, trembling in the breeze,

Which canopied that humble shed.

From crag and cliff again I view That pleasant country-scene below :

Here winds the river, deep and blue ; And there the rippling streamlets flow ;

And yonder stands the mountain-green, With sky of beauty bended o'er it,

Bordering the rural scene Which sleeps in smoky light before it.

The robin's song at morn I hear, As when on boyhood's ear it fell ;

That song to me was ever dear, Fresh-breathed from wooded grove and dell.

STIFLING OF EAKLY CONVICTIONS. 19

Chapter II. Stifling Of Early Convictions

Will not the things of the present world, which surround children on every side, naturally take up their thoughts, if talked over to them, and set God at a greater distance from them than he was before ? — Wesley.

I have had spiritual convictions, to a greater or less degree, even from my early childhood. When but six years old, I had impressions of sinfulness and guilt. Seasons of seriousness, from the operations of the Holy Spirit upon my young mind, gave me warnings and fears, in view of the future, urging me to repentance. True, I had not a perfect understanding of the causes of my sorrow ; but I desired, when I should die, to go to heaven with the good ancl happy. Many times I went away alone, and wept in bitterness of spirit, when I could apprehend no other cause than that I was wicked, and wanted to be good. My crying and sobbing, on such occasions, were irrepressible ; and I would go alone, for the purpose of giving vent more fully and freely to my feelings. There was no one to sympathize with these early sorrows. Experimental religion was not professed by any one that I knew. When,

THE CONVERTED INFIDEL.

sometimes, my weeping and anguish of heart would be detected or suspected by my appearance, I have been roughly interrogated on the subject. On one occasion, an old man, a neighbour, much given to story-telling and profane swearing, met me, and said : " Boy, I have heard about your great troubles ! Your crying will do no good. I know what ails you : you think of things that you had better let alone. I was just so myself once, when I was a boy ; but I have not been troubled, in thinking; of dying and the other world, and all that sort of thing, for many a day. And, after a while, you too will get over your foolishness, and not bother your brains any more about such things." O, what advice was this to give to a penitent child ! Xo doubt he talked to me from his own experience ; and, it is quite likely, he was not again troubled in his feelings, until too late to be at all profitable to him. I have often thought that if some kind Christian had then taken me by the hand, and led me to the cross, and pointed me to Him who said, " Suffer little children to come unto me," I should have obtained " grace to help in that time of need ;" and my young heart would have received the Christian stamp, and my soul been comforted in my affliction. I might have been a Christian from my youth, had I early been instructed, as children are now taught, in our Sabbath schools.

The Holy Spirit employed means in the work of my early convictions. Although I had no Sunday school to go to, nor, instruction from religious persons, I read the Bible, and had a retentive memory. From the " Child's Instructor," a small school-book, I received good impressions. In a primer, containing a representation of the burning of John Rogers, the pious martyr, I read some powerful warnings and incentives to early piety. Christ, Youth, Satan, and Death were in it personified in the form of holding a dialogue on the subject of the necessity of religion. The liability, on the part of youth, to continue sinning against God until death, was set forth before me in strong light ; and I was so overcome, at the time of reading the colloquy, that I trembled with awful apprehension, and made a promise to my heavenly Father that, if he spared my life, I would repent and be good. I prayed to him to keep me from Satan. It was a long time before my seriousness wore away.

On all occasions, when I feared the displeasure of my parents, or dreaded danger of any sort, I would pray to God to regulate matters to suit my convenience. When I had been in mischief, I prayed for forgiveness ; when I had lost any

THE CONVERTED IXE1DEL.

one of my play-things, I prayed that I might be enabled to find it ; when it thundered and stormed, I prayed it might soon be calm and clear again ; and I was anxious in " seeking after a sign " concerning my future destiny. Once, while I was fishing alone, I prayed for a sign thus : " 0 Lord, if I will at last be saved in heaven or lost in hell, I would like to have some token of it noio. If the first fish I catch shall be a bass, I will take it as a good sign ; if any other fish, a bad one." I trembled at the issue, as I dropped my line into the water. At length I had " a bite," and drew up, sure enough, a bass — but it fell from the hook before it reached my hand. I concluded God would not give me a sign, and strove to be satisfied without one. The Holy Spirit gave me a desire for a knowledge of "things to come;" and my reading and praying, though in much darkness, tended to continue in me the sensibility of conscience ; and, for a time, my convictions increased with my years. I came very near being drowned, on a certain occasion, which increased my anxiety of mind on the subject of my soul's best interest.

As the demands of a large and growing family pressed hard upon my parents, I got consent of my father, when about thirteen years old, to go and live with a neighbouring farmer, and do such work for him as I was able. I remained with him several years, and acquired habits of industry that have had a salutary effect upon my constitution. The rugged realities of life I cannot conceive to have been of disadvantage to me, yet I did not improve them as I might have done for future good.

I had not long left the restraints of my parental home, before I was led away from all seriousness by the perverted tastes and sinful amusements of the young around me. From Mockapin to Wynochy, from Bingwood to Pompton Plains, on holiday occasions and training days, dancing, drinking, gambling, and fighting were made the means of spoiling young hearts, and ruining immortal souls, to a degree beyond calculation. Thus it was, at least, during my sojourn in those parts: and, although I never publicly danced, yet I was often drawn, by the attractions of the fiddle-bow and nimble heels, to join in the carousals, and remained until morning came before sleep. How natural to forget God under such circumstances !

Ever since I was made a subject of converting grace, I have thought much on the scenes through which I passed while young, with companions in vice, on festive occasions. I shall not see many of them again, until we meet at the great tribunal.

THE CONVERTED INFIDEL.

It was in the spring of 1820 that I left the community where I spent my school-boy days with mischief-1 oving companions, on foot and alone, travelling some twelve miles in search of an opportunity to learn a trade. I found a man, to whom I was bound to be taught the shoe-making business. He had then two apprentices, with whom, and myself, he removed, in two weeks after, to Newark, New Jersey, where I lived with him four years. On the 17 th day of April of that year I first saw Newark. It then contained about five thousand or six thousand inhabitants. I thought it then a most delightful place, and have never yet altered my mind. The term of my apprenticeship was, on the whole, not disagreeable to me, but an important period of my life.

Situated as I now was, in the enjoyment of privileges to which I had before been a stranger, I was led to think that God had directed my steps to such a place of piety and good morals, and that he did, in reality, still care for me ! Though recognised by the more favoured to be a " country boy," from my " green " appearance, I soon became acquainted with the neighbouring apprentices, and with them, on Sunday evenings, would "go to meeting" — sometimes to one church, and then to another. My father had

STIFLING OF EARLY CONVICTIONS.

given me strict orders to attend worship in the Episcopal Church, often telling me that that was u the true Church." For some months I continued to frequent that place of worship; and can yet call to mind occasions when I listened to the preaching of the Rev. Mr. Biard and the Rev. Mr. Powers. I remember also the venerable appearance of the Rev. Uzal Ogden.* I next went to the Presbyterian Church, and heard the Rev. Dr. Griffin, that strong man of God. His powers of description and appeals to the sinner, on some occasions which peculiarly called them forth, can never be forgotten by those who once were favoured with hearing him. The Baptist Church, too, I attended, and heard, with moved feelings, the Rev. Mr. Jones, that good old man. His solemn prayers, offered in tears, greatly affected me. Just before I reached the age of eighteen, I ventured to go and hear Methodist preaching. The Methodists my father and mother agreed to dislike ; and, for fear I should chance to go among them, had thrown many discouragements in my way. However, I was determined to go and hear for myself. The Rev. Joseph Lybrand was the first Methodist preacher I ever heard preach ; and never before, under preaching, had