The young wife, or, Duties of woman in the marriage relation

Front matter

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Chapter I. General Remarks

Objects of marriage. Duties of a wife. Her importance as an educator. Why. . .21—24

CHAPTER 11. SUBMISSION.

A common error abroad. Real object of woman. In what respects she is to submit to her husband. Bible doctrine on this subject. Physical inferiority. Con¬ cession must be made. Leaving home. Anecdote of a married coilple. Caution to the young wife. . 25—32

Chapter VII. Friendship

Few real friends. Parents not always true friends to children. Anecdote. Stormy period of life. Neces¬ sity of a friend. Arrangement of Providence. Wo¬ man sent as the friend of man. Wives the truest friends. Four qualifications for this office. Religion considered. Enemies sometimes friends. . . . 59—68

Chapter VIII. Love

Is it necessary for love to decline after marriage ? In¬ ternal love increases. Means of increasing it. Doing good to others makes us love them. Anecdotes; the little girl—the deist. Love, a matter within our own control. General rule. Cautions.69—78

Chapter IX. Delicacy And Modesty

Many forms of immodesty. A quotation. Modesty in matrimony. Unchaste language. Example to the husband. Specimens of bad examples. . . . 79—#2

CONTENTS.

Chapter X. Love Of Home

Paul’s opinion. Effects of “ gadding.” Anecdote. Dis¬ like of home. Error in female education. Impor¬ tance of loving home. A picture drawn by Solomon. Two pictures by Abbott. Effects of loving home on the family. Hints to the reader. The Family Monitor. 83—96

Chapter XIV. Neatness

Great importance of neatness. Want of it. Effects on the husband. Neatness in small matters. Structure of the skin. Necessity of bathing. Effect of neatness on morals. Effect of example. Difficulties consid¬ ered. How to train a husband to slovenliness. Want of neatness in little things.113—121

Chapter XIX. Domestic Economy

Economy a word of broad meaning. Much of this chap¬ ter anticipated. Servants—their general employment to be regretted. Spirit of the times—illustrated by an anecdote. American nobles. Servants cannot always be dispensed with. Seven reasons for avoiding them, if possible. 1. They are unnecessary. 2. Costly. 3. Break in upon the order of families. 4. Create dis¬ tinctions in society. 5. Are bad teachers. 6. Practice anti-republican. 7. It is unchristian. Waste of time in cookery. What useful cookery is. Other waste¬ ful practices. Morning calls. General remarks. An anecdote.152—177

Chapter XX. Domestic Reform

Present state of things. Females ignorant of domestic concerns. A great mistake in education. Nature

CONTENTS.

of the mistake. Cause of the pecuniary distress of our country. Example of ministers. Change or reform necessary. How it is to be effected. By whom begun.

The young wife to begin it. She should begin imme¬ diately. One serious difficulty. How to overcome it. Gradual reformation. Rapid progress, ultimately. Book learning. How far books are useful. “ The Frugal Housewife.” “ Bread and Bread-making.” 178—191

Chapter XXI. Sobriety

Definition of the term. Something more than tem¬ perance. Tea drinking. Effects of tea and coffee. Physiology of their effects. Nervous excitement— compared with intoxication. Proofs of the author’s views. Sobriety at feasts. Sobriety in company. Other forms of sobriety.192—199

Chapter XXVII. Dress

Opinion of Paul. Real objects of dress. Modesty. Dress should regulate our temperature. Frequent change—why useful. General rule. A painful sight. Nature of profuse perspiration, or sweating. Material of dress. Objections to cotton. Fashion of dress. Compression of the lungs—its evils. Sympathies. Moderate indulgence. Hiding defects by dress. Dress of the husband. 222—244

Chapter XXVIII. Health

Purity of the air in our apartments. Purity of clothing— furniture—cellars—drains—wells, &c. Personal clean¬ liness. Its expense not to be considered. Various modes of exercise. Household labor. Exercise in the open air. Walking. Riding. Health, in our own keeping. The husband’s health. General remarks. 245—256

Chapter XXIX. Attending The Sick

Attending the sick should be a part of female education. Objections to this view considered. Reasons why females should be thus trained. Their native qualifications for this office. Their labor cheaper. They have stronger sympathies. Application of the prin¬ ciple to the case of the young wife. 257—264

Chapter XXX. Love Of Infancy And Childhood

What the love of childhood is. Frequent want of it.

Dr. Gregory’s opinion—Mr. Addison’s. Great gulf fixed between children and adults. Love of child¬ hood favorable to mental improvement—to the hap¬ piness of the wife—to the happiness of her husband— to religious improvement. Example of the Saviour. How to elicit this love, when it is wanting. Remarks on faith. What faith can enable us to accomplish. 265—273

Chapter XXXI. Giving Advice

Advice of females in regard to business. Why it is often undervalued Objections answered. How far advice is applicable Advice in manners and morals. Advice in religion. . 274—283

Chapter XXXII. Self-government

Difficulties of self-government. Meaning of the term. Error in education. What is to be done? Motive to be presented. Directions how to proceed. Co¬ operation of the husband. The results happy. 284—291

Chapter XXXIII. Intellectual Improve¬ Ment

Anecdote of Mrs. H. Course of study after marriage. Much of it excellent. Cooperation of the husband and wife. Nature of education. Difficulties of studying

CONTENTS.

in married life. They may be overcome. Impor¬ tance of system. Evils of a want of it. Anecdote. Chemistry. Its importance illustrated. Terrible consequences of ignorance in housewifery. Much poisoning in the community. Study of other sciences. Anatomy and physiology. A few books recommended. Collateral topics of study. Knowledge necessary to benevolent effort. Study of the subject of education. Errors. Theory and experience. 202—326

Chapter XXXIV. Social Improvement

Anecdote of Alcibiades. Intention of the Creator. Marriage of course a social state. Morning calls. Evening visits. Excitements. Balls and theatres. Visiting in the afternoon. Social advantages of large families. Visiting by large companies. Topics of conversation. Scandal. Opposition of human na¬ ture to the gospel. Reading at social meetings. An important caution. 327—338

Chapter XXXV. Moral And Religious Improvement

Doing good. Many forms of doing good. Philosophy of doing good. Associated effort. How to select societies. Individual charitable effort. The poor.

The ignorant. The vicious. The sick. Caution in regard to visiting the sick. Prayer as a means of improvement. Self-examination. Reading. The Bible. Other useful books. 339—350

Chapter XXXVI. Moral Influence On The Husband

Mode of female influence on the husband. Mr. Flint’s encomium. Examples of female influence. Wife of

CONTENTS.

Jonathan Edwards—of Sir James Mackintosh. True position of woman in society. Serious error of some modern writers. A caution. Making haste to be rich. A species of mania. Its extent and evils. How the young wife is concerned with it. What she can do to remove it. Agur’s prayer—seldom used in modern times. Particular modes ©f female influence. Office seeking. How to dissuade from it. Exposures to intemperance. Female consistency. Female piety.

Its effects on the husband—compared with amiable¬ ness and beauty. Apparent objection to the writer’s views. Woman’s prerogative. 361—376

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Preface

Conversing, one day, with the author of a popular series of books, I told him I objected to his last work because it was incomplete. I ac¬ knowledge the fault you mention, he replied, but what would you have had me do ? I said all I knew on the subject. Would you have an author, for the sake of rendering his book complete, tell what he does not know ?

This reply afforded me a valuable hint, and I resolved to profit from it. If all which authors do not "know were erased from their books, how many ponderous volumes would sink at once to the size of pamphlets, and how greatly would the bulk of nearly all be diminished ?

It is not the object of the following work to give a complete view of the duties of a young wife. My purpose has been simply to present my

PREFACE.

own views on a few points—such as have been the subjects of much observation and reflection— and to dwell at considerable length on them, leaving the rest to other writers. There is no want of the latter; we have more than one “ Young Wife’s Book ” already extant; and along with some de¬ fects, each of them doubtless has its excellencies. It is probably a transcript of the author’s mind on this great and important subject; and is hence more or less perfect according to the extent of his observation, and his knowledge of the nature of those whom he has observed. I have never read but one of them, however, and that only partly through. Whatever may be the merits or demerits of the following volume, it is principally original. For the few extracts I have made, I have given, in every instance, so far as I know, sufficient credit.

It may also be proper to observe, in regard to some of the views which I have ventured to pre¬ sent in reference to the appropriate sphere and duties of woman in matrimonial life, that every chapter of this work was written many months before the appearance of certain recent publications

PREFACE.

involving, in some respects, similar sentiments This statement may, it is confessed, be deemed unnecessary. It is soon enough, it may be thought, to repel the charge of plagiarism, when it has actually been made. And whatever may have been the excellencies or defects of any former volumes, prepared by the author, he has not as yet incurred the charge of following too closely in the track of others.

In pursuing my subject, however, I have not always confined myself to the more obvious and generally admitted qualifications and duties which a new and interesting and important relation im¬ poses upon the young wife, but have sometimes treated at large on several topics which are not only of great importance to her as a member of the human family, but whose importance, trained as she usually is, in comparative ignorance, is greatly enhanced by the position she sustains to her husband and her other friends. In a word, I have endeavored to take her to be precisely what in the present state of things a wife is, and to give such advice and instruction as, in my own view,

PREFACE.

she needs for the better discharge of her varied duties to herself, her husband and others.

Let me caution the reader against one mistake into which she may be liable to fall. In dwelling at length, as I sometimes do, on the duties of a wife, it may be thought that I impose too heavy a burden on her, and too little on the husband. For example, in speaking of the duty of submission, it may be supposed by some, at first view, that I would render man a sort of petty tyrant. But let it be remembered that I am not writing, in this volume, for the husband directly, but for the wife ; and that however weighty, or important, or respon¬ sible the duties of the former may be, those of the latter are by no means the less so on account of my silence respecting the husband. Even in regard to concession and submission, the fact that these duties, especially the former, often devolve on the husband as well as the wife, does not at all lessen the obligations of the latter. The liability of being misunderstood, to which I refer, is insep¬ arable, perhaps, from the practice of writing for particular classes of society; and if so, every author must be prepared to meet it.

PREFACE.

1 have one more caution. If the same idea or truth should sometimes appear more than once, in the following pages, let it not be regarded as mere repetition, but rather as presented in a new light to show its aspect, bearings, or relations, as viewed from some other point, or considered in some other connection. There are no repetitions but what are intended, either to reiterate or illus¬ trate what are deemed important sentiments.

Boston, October, 1837 .

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Chapter I. General Remarks

Objects of marriage. Duties of a wife. Her importance as an educator. Why.

The objects of the marriage institution may all be comprised under two general heads. First, the education of the parties concerned; second, the education of those committed to their care. It will be obvious, however, that the word education, thus used, includes much more than mere instruc¬ tion in knowledge. The term is used in its largest sense, as implying and including everything which forms character for this world or the world to come.

If the view I have here taken of the intention of marriage be correct—and I think it will be found to accord both with reason and revelation— then we see, at once, what is the leading duty

THE YOUNG WIFE.

of the young wife, considered merely as such, and what are the ends which she should propose. She is to be, in one word, “ a help-meet ” to her husband. She is to assist him—cooperate with him—in the work of self-education. The educa¬ tion of others, however important a duty of the married life it may ultimately become, belongs to the Young Mother rather than to the Young Wife, and will therefore only be made an incidental or occasional subject of discussion in the present volume.

Every day educates us for every day which follows it, and indeed for every subsequent period of our existence, because all the various events, and circumstances, and employments of each day contribute to form the future character. Just in proportion, then, as the wife can modify or control these circumstances, events and employ¬ ments in her family, just in the same proportion is she an educator of her husband. This education may, indeed, be either good or bad, according to the spirit and manner in which it is conducted ; but educate at some rate or other, the wife always must, in all she says or does in the presence of others—I had almost said, in all she thinks and feels. She is moreover the most efficient of all the educators of her husband, because her influence is so constant It also happens that in no way can

GENERAL REMARKS.

she so rapidly promote her own improvement, as in promoting that of her husband; since the light and influence which she sheds on him is necessa¬ rily reflected upon herself.

These remarks apply with most force, it is true, to the young wife, as my title would indicate. But they are also applicable, in no small degree, to those who are more advanced in years. The power of persons, places, events and circumstances, to form or reform human character, is in exactly an inverse proportion, other things being equal, to our age. The younger the parties are, when they en¬ ter into wedlock, the more they can do, mutually, in the great work of self-improvement. But some¬ thing can be done, as long as life lasts. There is no age at which the work of human education ceases. Character is forming for the great future, till we pass the bounds of time and space, and enter a world where retribution predominates rather than trial—a world where character remains fixed— a world of universal and never ending manhood.

Let it not be hastily supposed that I expect the wife to do much by means of set lessons, or in any of the more direct forms of what is commonly called education; though she is not to remain wholly inefficient, even in this respect, as will be seen in another place. But it is by conduct and example that she is to effect most, in the education

THE YOUNG WIFE.

of her husband. It is by indirect means—silent, gentle, and often unperceived, but always opera¬ tive. The growth of the vegetable world is not so much effected by the bright meridian glare of heaven’s resplendent luminary, and by the violent rain and the tempest, as by the milder light of morning and evening, the gentler breezes, the soft descending showers, and the still more softly distil¬ ling dew. In like manner is it the province of woman to accomplish most for human advance¬ ment, and above all in her own family, by indirect if not by silent efforts. She is to teach, at least in no small degree, as though she taught not. She is to perform the duties of her office, not like the king of day, but rather like the paler empress of night, in so unperceived a manner as to leave it doubtful whether she has any influence or not, except by the general law of attraction.

Having thus stated, as briefly as possible, some of the principles which form the basis of this work, l proceed to consider, in a series of chapters, the various means by which the young wife is to ac¬ complish most successfully the purpose of her mis¬ sion.

Chapter II Submission

A common error abroad. Real object of woman. In what respects she is to submit to her husband. Bible doctrine on this subject. Physical inferiority. Concession must be made. Leaving home. Anecdote of a married couple. Caution to the young wife.

An opinion still prevails, even in civilized coun¬ tries, that woman should be little more than the mere instrument of her husband; that on many points she is not expected to have a voice; that she should have even no opinion ; and that her duty consists in submitting, without a question, to the dictates of her “ lord.”

Now I am of opinion that woman is made to supply, in some measure, the defects in her hus¬ band’s character—thus making him a more per¬ fect man than otherwise he would be. But I hold, also, that the same duty is required of the husband toward the wife, and with the same view and end; and that in this respect, the husband has little, if indeed any superiority. I hold, moreover, that God has required of each party, in the married

THE YOUNG WIFE.

state, though the union be ever so close or so perfect, to preserve the individual character of each. No female has a right, were she disposed to do it, so to merge her own character in that of her husband, as to lose her own individuality.

Still I cannot help thinking that there is a species of submission to the husband sometimes required of the wife. Not that I would ever claim it my¬ self, or recommend to any one else to make the claim. If a wife has not good sense enough to yield, voluntarily, what I suppose ought to be yielded, it is probably of little importance for the husband to claim anything. Perhaps I would say, “ That is my opinion ; you will, of course, do or act as you please.”

And yet something of submission is certainly due. There was a time, in the history of our world, when woman did not exist. Man was not only alone—without a companion—but destitute of a “ help-meet ”—an assistant. In these circum¬ stances, almighty Power called forth, and, as it would seem, for this very purpose, that modified, and in some respects improved form of humanity, to which was afterwards given the name of woman, and presented her to man. She was to be man’s assistant.

This distinction is recognized throughout the Bible. Man is always considered as the head of

SUBMISSION.

the family, and woman as the helper. The man is not created for the woman—so the matter is represented—but the woman for the man.

It is true that this does not, of necessity, imply an intellectual and moral inferiority on the part of woman. It does not preclude the idea that in morals she may even be the superior. The con¬ cession is that of physical prowess, rather than of moral influence.

It is a concession, however, whose necessity stands as prominent in the pages of the great book of nature as in those of revelation. The exercise of that physical force which seems necessary in many of the arts and employments of life, is scarcely compatible with woman’s distinguishing characteristics and her peculiar prerogative, had it been assigned her.

Heaven has accordingly withheld it. No form of education will give to woman a masculine de¬ velopment. No circumstances will impart to her muscular system, as a whole, that power which is so constantly developed in the other sex. Even in those countries, and among those tribes, where the ruder and coarser employments have been partially or wholly allotted her, she still retains the more striking physical traits of character which God in nature has assigned. They may indeed be modified, slightly, but never wholly overcome.

THE YOUNG WIFE.

A skilful anatomist could still distinguish the sexes, at any age, by a mere hasty inspection of an arm or a face, after the lapse of a thousand successive generations.

Let me not hence be set down as an enemy to female athletic exercises. What muscular exercise, in degree, woman does demand, is demanded still more imperiously than in man. She needs mus¬ cular exercise during her growth and after maturity, both to develope her form, internal and external, and to maintain her health. But no muscular exercise whatever—and this is the burden of my present argument—will essentially and permanently alter her structure, to render it more masculine in future generations. Say what we will, therefore, God in nature must have imposed on her a physi¬ cal inferiority. She is thus obviously fitted to be an assistant to her husband in the work of self-improvement, and the improvement of others.

Perhaps all this inquiry is utterly needless. Per¬ haps very few readers entertain a single doubt on any one of these points. But it was necessary to make the statement, preliminary to what follows in other chapters.

Indeed, in one point, the agitation of this ques¬ tion would certainly seem needless. Matrimony cannot exist, without concession on both sides. Each party gives up certain natural rights, for the

SUBMISSION.

sake of certain privileges to be acquired. On which side lies the balance of concession, we need not inquire; it is sufficient if it is shown that it must be made, and that matrimony cannot exist without it.

I say, then, that the very act of entering into the married state is, on the part of the woman, a concession. It matters little whether this fact is recognized in the external forms of celebrating this rite or not; it is essential to, and inherent in its nature.

Leaving home, as a general rule, involves con¬ cession and submission. What female ever quits the circle in which she is brought up, in the expec¬ tation of retaining every privilege and every right to which she has been accustomed? Does she not, on the contrary, even diminish her own per¬ sonal enjoyment?

In addition to the physical comforts of which she voluntarily deprives herself, does she not sub¬ ject herself to numerous cares, and responsibilities, and trials ? Does she not submit, at least pros¬ pectively, to a long train of circumstances and consequences which, in her father’s house, she would be able to escape? Does she not even merge her own name in that of her husband? And is there no concession in all this ? Is there no submission ?

THE YOUNG WIFE.

How much soever of his own natural rights the husband is required to yield, the concessions of the wife are still more numerous, and justify the inevi¬ table conclusion that matrimony involves, as a matter of the plainest necessity, not only a greater degree of dependence on her part, but also a spe¬ cies of inferiority.

Let me here say again, that I would be the last person in the world to justify a tyrannical assump¬ tion of superiority on the part of our own sex. Let nothing be claimed by man, except what the necessity of the circumstances requires; and let even this be done in the most gentle manner. But if reason, nature and revelation unite in affirming that the balance of concession does actually de¬ volve on woman, it is proper to say so. I may also add, that the more cheerful and voluntary the submission, the happier the results.

This was the conclusion of a newly married couple, among my own acquaintance. Each re¬ spected the rights of the other, but both saw how much more numerous the points were in which woman was required to yield ; and both saw, too, the necessity of an umpire, in certain cases. It was therefore mutually agreed that it belonged to the husband to decide, in all matters of dispute. This point, once settled, has never, thus far, been questioned by either party.

SUBMISSION.

But besides the numerous general concessions which a well regulated matrimonial state requires of the wife, and which, from its very nature, it involves, she is called to a series of smaller con¬ cessions, on which depend, much more than on all else, her comfort and happiness.

No woman can suppose herself perfect in opin¬ ions, habits or manners. But whether hers are right or wrong, she finds them daily, and perhaps hourly conflicting with those of her husband. He has been trained differently from herself. He has been accustomed to view things through a medium somewhat different. He is more ignorant on many points than she; and it unfortunately happens that when a difference of opinion arises among mankind—and between husband and wife, no less than elsewhere—those who are most ignorant will usually be most positive, and most tenacious of their sentiments.

He is often more tenacious of habits and man¬ ners than of opinions ; and especially of small habits. But what shall be done ? Shall she set herself firmly against every habit which she has reason to believe is not the very best ? Shall she not rather, for the sake of peace, often concede or yield a point, at least for the time ?

Perhaps there is no one thing on which domestic happiness so much depends as this; here, too, as in

THE YOUNG WIFE.

the matters already mentioned, the balance of con¬ cession devolves on the wife. Whether the hus¬ band concede or not, she must. If she insists too long or too strenuously for what she deems to be truth or right in small matters, she does it at the expense of her own comfort and peace. I do not say that she must express her assent to what she does not believe; but I do say that she must not dispute too long about it. She must endeavor to waive the whole subject. By contending, she will probably gain nothing, but only confirm him in his habits or opinions. By a temporary concession, that is, by suspending the question, she may possi¬ bly lead him to reflect farther, and to change his views or conduct.

So valuable is the disposition to make temporary concessions in matters of opinion or habit, that an aged friend of mine, in giving directions in reference to matrimony prior to marriage, repre¬ sented the whole question of domestic happiness or misery as turning upon this single point. After giving the reasons for her opinions, she concluded by observing—•“ If you are both wise in this respect, you cannot but be prosperous and happy.”

Chapter III. Kindness

Effects of kindness on brute animals—on savages—on chil¬ dren. Case of a father. Effects of kindness on servants and slaves—on a husband. Opinion of Solomon. A new era. Its results to woman. Counsel. Beautiful ex¬ tracts.

Constant and unremitted kindness is irresistible. I say this with the more confidence, from the effect which experience has shown that it has on the insane and the idiotic, and even on beasts. I do not believe there is an animal on earth that can wholly resist its influence.

I have watched the effects of kindness on the noble horse, the patient ox, the domestic cat and dog, and even the grovelling pig. I have read of its effects on the elephant, the camel, the lama, and indeed on almost every known animal—even tne fierce lion, and the savage hyena ; and I have usually found those effects obvious. The best domestic animals I have ever seen were reared by kind and merciful masters ; the worst by those of a contrary disposition.

THE YOUNG WIFE.

Kindness to an animal, and even to men, may not, it is true, always change, at once, habits or character. Our kindness to a savage will not, of necessity, render him civilized;—it may, indeed, leave him as much of a savage as he was before. But it will, at the least, increase his love for us, and his confidence in us, so that the more appro¬ priate or more efficient means of changing or me¬ liorating his condition can be successfully applied. Kindness, though it should overcome the criminal, may not reform him ; but it will almost inevitably place him in a condition in which other means for his reformation can be applied.

Nothing secures the love and confidence of chil¬ dren like unremitted kindness. Do what else you will to them, if the general tenor of your life indi¬ cate a kind heart and kind feelings towards them, you are sure of their affection, and may lead them almost whithersoever you will.

I know a father who is sometimes fretful and peevish; and I have occasionally seen him in a rage. When he is so, his whole family feel the effects of it; sometimes—all but the wife—in blows. Yet this is not the general tenor of his life. He is, for the most part, the kind husband, and the tender and affectionate father. His peri¬ ods of fretfulness or rage are but as the occasional storm in a land of serenity and sunshine; and are

KINDNESS.

regarded as such by the family. They dread them, indeed, and sometimes endeavor to shelter them¬ selves from their effects; but they know the storm will soon be over.

Now these moral storms are far from being as salutary as the physical storm;—nay, they are in themselves a most serious evil. But they are far from being the worst evil that could befall a family. I honestly believe that an occasional fit of rage does less mischief than a settled gloom; just as an occasional storm injures vegetation less than to have the sun constantly obscured. In the case I have just mentioned, the wife is on the whole happy, and the children very affectionate and tolerably well educated, notwithstanding the fa¬ ther’s occasional sallies.