Dick's dialogues and monologues ...

Preface

In this collection of Dialogues and Monologues, the desirable feature of Variety has been secured by combining in one volume the best efforts of several authors, every piece being entirely original, and written expressly for the purpose.

They are all fairly within the scope of youthful amateurs, and at the same time possess, in an unusual degree, dramatic effects and telling situations, furnishing excellent material for advancing young aspirants in the Thespian Art ; and the marked simplicity of costume and scene renders them specially adapted for home and parlor performance.

The Monologues may, perhaps, tax the performer's capabilities somewhat more than usual, the action being sustained by only one person, but they are comparatively a new departure, and are in eager demand.

In the hope that it may be found to merit their hearty approval, this contribution of fresh material for the entertainment of the youth of both sexes is offered to them by

THE EDITOR.

All at Sea Comedietta 3

Sara's Conversion Darkey Dialogue ... 2

Revelations of a Pocket .... Monologue 1

At Cross Purposes Dialogue 1

Ze Daylight Veel Coam. . . .Dialect Sketch 3

A Bad Habit Cured Dialogue 3

Love in a Cottage Petite Comedy 3

A Trip to Blankytlle Monologue 1

Unexpected Company Dialogue 4

A Slight MisuNDEBSTANDiNG.Comedietta 2

The Wonderful Lamp Monologue 1

Three Brave Men Dialogue 4

Sykes's Predicament - . .Farce 1

Pity the Poor Blind Monologue 1

Too Clever by Half Comedietta 2

The Rose-Colored Note Domestic Drama. . .2

A Midnight Episode Monologue 1

A Runaway Match Parlor Play 4

The Wrong Man Comedietta 2

Tom's Proposal Dialogue 2

Mr. Hunter's Mistake Domestic Drama. . .2

A Freend at Court .Comedietta 3

PAGE male 24 males 1 female ... 32 male 57 male 77 male 5 females . . 86

male 101 males 1 female . . . 116

male 123

males 1 female . . . 125 males .... 1 female . . . 140 males .... 5 females . . 146 males .... 3 females . . 160

OB,

A MOENTNG'S TEOUBLES.

AN ORIGINAL COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT.

Costumes. — Matne: undress naval uniform, white cap. Somebs: dark morning dress. Grants: white waiter's jacket, duck trowsers, red vest, large collar and flowing tie, white linen shoes, red crop-wig. Mks. Sos muslin morning dress. Rose Leigh: the same as Mns. Somebs.

CHABACTJEBS.

Lieut. Harry Mayne, U. S. N. I Me. John Somebs. Bbtjtus Pizabeo Grills. I Mbs. Somebs.

Eose Leigh.

SCENE. — Parlor of a Hotel ; doors b. and l. Grills discovered dusting furniture.

Grills. Dust, dust, dust ! And the more I dust, the more dust I make ! A nice occupation this for a man of my talents and abilities. To think that I, instead of responding to the enthusiastic shouts and calls of appreciative multitudes at Niblo's, am compelled to trudge up flight after flight of stairs in answer to the ring of impatient and insatiable boarders, who little dream of the latent genius and histrionic talent which lie dormant in the breast of Brutus Pizarro Grills, the unappreciated man-oiall-work at the Atlantic Hotel. Two years ago last Fourth of July, I became, for the first time, aware of the heaven-given powers which slumbered in my manly bosom, and was inspired with a wild and unquenchable longing for dramatic laurels. To many managers have I offered my invaluable talents, at the very lowest, in fact, I may say, at "hard-pan" terms; but, alas ! blind to their own interests, one and all condemned me unheard, and

Copyright, 1879, by Pics & Fitzgerald.

8 ALL AT 6EA.

as one can't live on water and air, I was compelled to accept employment of a sort far from congenial to my poetic nature. I nave little time at present to indulge in nights of fancy, for the house is filled with guests whose wants are unceasing. Even to-day more arrivals are expected, but it seems that I have a few moments to myself. There's no one near, the coast is clear, and how can I better employ this unusual opportunity than by giving vent to my pent-up longings, and running over one of my favorite characters? ( With exaggerated action and emphasis.) " I am thy father's spirit,

Doomed for a certain term to walk the night.

But that I am forbid

To tell the secret of my prison-house,

I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word

Would harrow up thy soul; freeze thy young blood;

Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres;

Thy knotted and combined locks to part,

And each particular hair to stand on end,

Like quills upon the fretful porcupine.

if thou didst ever thy dear father love,

List, list, oh, list ! — "

Voice (without). Grills !

Gkells. 'Twas ever thus ! I must dissemble ! (a bell rings violently).

" 1 go, and it is done —

The bell invites me. Hear it not,

That summons thee to heaven or to hell !" [Exit^ R.

Getlls (outside). This way, sir, this way ! That'll be all right.

Enter Getlls with satchel, followed by Lieut. Mayne.

Your room is No. 65, sir. Shall I show you to it, sir ?

Mayne. Not at present; you may take up my luggage.

Gbills. That'll be all right, sir ! [Exit, l.

Mayne. Well, here I am at Wells. How surprised Kose will be to see me. Strange that Mr. Somers' party should have left the city without telling me of their intended departure. I saw them not a week before they left, yet nothing of the sort was mentioned. That the subject was intentionally avoided I am quite certain. Could this have been Eose's own idea, or was it on account of a growing coldness I have recently noticed in her brother-in-law, Somers? That Mrs. Somers likes me I know; that Kose has no aversion to me — I hope. How utterly I am in love with that girl, and in so short a time, too ! I, who have visiter! all quarters of the earth, and have seen the most beautiful women of every nation, and have been entirely indifferent to all their charms and fascinations, at last become a ready captive to a young girl fresh from school, and am prepared, at the slightest encouragement from her, to strike my flag, and yield unconditional surrender. Luckily, having met an intimate friend of the family yesterday in the city, I learned that they were spending the season here — and, as a natural consequence, here I am. (glancing at his watch.) There is still some time before dinner; perhaps I may catch a glimpse of them. Ah ! Fortune favors me, for, as I live, here comes Eose herself.

Enter Eose, b.

Eose. Can it be possible ! Lieutenant Mayne !

Mayne. He and no other. Congratulate me, Miss Leigh, on having procured an extension of my furlough, which enables me to escape from the heat of the city for a few weeks.

Eose. I do congratulate you most heartily. What a pleasant surprise your arrival will be to Kitty and Mr. Somers ! But how came you to fix on such a quiet spot as this to spend the remainder of your leave of absence ?

Mayne. Can you not guess ?

Eose (shyly). How could I?

Mayne. I learned yesterday that you were here, and that knowledge at once settled in my mind any hesitation that I might have had as to where I should go. You must know that —

Enter Grills, r.

Grills. Hem ! Beg pardon, miss, Mr. and Mrs. Somers are waiting for you on the piazza.

Eose. Ask them to step in here, please.

Grills. That'll be all right, miss. [Exit Grills, r.

Eose (confusedly). You can't imagine how — how surprised they will be to see you, and —

Mayne. I am sure I shall be charmed to meet them again.

Enter Me. and Mrs. Somers, r.

Mrs. Somers. Ah ! my dear Lieutenant ! You dear, delightful man, how glad we all are to see you ! When did you arrive ? Why didn't you send word you were coming ? How long do you intend to remain? Jack, Jack dear, here's the Lieutenant; don't you see the Lieutenant, Jack dear?

Mayne (advancing hand). How are you, Somers ?

Somers (coldly). How do you do, sir? (to Mrs. S.) My dear, I am going out for a smoke. Eose, can I speak with you a moment?

Eose. Certainly. [Exit Eose and Mr. S., r.

Mayne. Your husband seems charmed to see me. The cordiality of his reception was quite marked.

Mrs. Somers. You mustn't mind Jack's manner. You know at times he is quite brusque without meaning to give offence.

10 AUj AT SEA.

Mayne. I am afraid, however, that it does mean something in the present instance, as I have for some time past noticed a coldness on Mr. Soniers' part which occasionally approaches open dislike. I am all the more sorry for this as I can think of no way in which I have given him offence, and I confess I wish his friendship for very particular reasons. You must have seen, Mrs. Somers, that I have become strongly interested in your sister; in fact, I love her dearly. I have never hinted this to her, and am not at all sure that my feelings meet with a response. If, in this state of affairs, I incur the dislike of your husband, I most certainly do not benefit my cause. May I hope, my dear madame, that I still retain your good opinion, and that I can rely on your friendship to aid me with Rose ?

Mrs. Somers. My dear Lieutenant, I am charmed, I am more than delighted. Though but a poor diplomatist, I feel quite sure I can help you. You certainly have my best wishes and heartiest sympathies.

Matne {taking her hand). I thank you, oh, so much ! How good you are ! I knew I could rely upon you, and now, with your valuable assistance (enter Somers, r., unseen) I must succeed. {kisses her hand. ) I must leave you and arrange my toilet for dinner. Good-by for the present. [Exit, l.

Somers {advancing). What the devil has brought him here? Perhaps you kindly invited him ?

Mrs. Somers. Why, my dear, what is the matter ? I am not aware of ever having mentioned this place to the Lieutenant. Was both surprised and delighted to see him. But you seemed very cool; so much so that he remarked it. Surely you were not sorry to see him ?

Somers. But I was. I do not like the fellow, and you know it, and, I really believe, are trying to annoy me. He is a conceited puppy, and if the women here are such idiots as I suspect they will be in his regard, by Heaven ! my family shall not follow their pretty example, and you, madame, will kindly bear this in mind.

Mrs. Somers. Why, Jack, what is the matter ? I don't understand you at all.

Somers. You don't wish to understand me ! The fellow is a ■ ood-for-nothing dog, whose reputation, as you know, is none of t le best.

Mrs. Somers. Why, Jack, you once told me you thought him agreeable, gentlemanly —

Somers (interrupting). Yes, that's the deuce of it, he's too confoundedly agreeable and gentlemanly ! I can't imagine for what reason you evince such an interest in him !

Mrs. Somers (confused). Oh, I have no interest — I mean, no reason in the world. He's pleasant, and his society is agreeable to Bose.

Somers (aside). Trying to put it off on Bose. (aloud.) Well, my

AT,T. AT SEA. 11

dear, you know I dislike him, and you must not feel offended if I don't go into ecstasies over your naval exquisite.

Mrs. Somers. Jack, you are greatly mistaken. Lieutenant Mayne is not the unprincipled fellow you would have us believe him, but a true, honorable gentleman, and you know it !

Somers. Mrs. S., I don't know it ! and I wish you to understand, madame, I will not be spoken to in that manner, (striding about.)

Mrs. Somers. I will speak, sir, just as I see fit, and if you don't like it — why, then you needn't.

Somers (in a dignified tone). Mrs. Somers, are you aware to whom you are addressing such language ? I, ma'am, am your husband, and as such should command your respect and consideration.

Enter Grills, l., unseen, unth duster.

Mrs. Somers. When my husband is in his senses, and is capable of talking sanely, I should be pleased to see him. Till he arrives at such a desirable state of mind, I will leave him to his pleasant reflections and cogitations ! {Flounces off, r.

Grills. Ha ! Methinks I smell gore !

Somers. "Who the devil are you ?

Grills (aside). I must dissemble, (aloud.) I, sir, am Brutus Pizarro Grills, man-of-all-work. But that'll be all right, sir, that'll be all right. [Exit, l.

Somers. Here's a pretty arrangement. Just as I have got everything pleasantly fixed here, down comes this infernal fellow. My wife seems devilish interested in him. A dissipated, worthless dog, but with a great reputation among the women. That's always the way. Let a man be regarded as dangerous, and he becomes a lion among the ladies at once. "What makes this affair still more unpleasant for me is, that I must leave here to-morrow on important business, which will detain me for several days, and Heaven only knows what may take place during my absence. If there were only some one here whom I could trust, and who would inform me of whatever may take place while I am away. Ha! the man-of-all-work who was just here ! He will have ample opportunity to observe everything, and I can surely make it worth his while to be faithful to my interests. I'll try him. (calling him, off l.) Here, you, Pills, Squills, or whatever your name is.

Enter Grills, l.

Grills. Yes, sir. Grills, sir.

Somers (mysteriously). Grills, I have an offer to make you, which, if you accept it, will be greatly to your advantage, while at the same time you will aid me.

Grills (aside). Great Heavens ! My fondest hopes are about to be realized, and I shall become famous. This is evidently

12 AXL AT SEA.

some manager, who, having heard of my extraordinary talents, has come here for the purpose of engaging me. I must dissemble, (aloud. ) Sir, I am all ears.

Somees. Can you he discreet?

Geiles. The grave is not more silent, more secure than I. Behold in me a modern Sphynx. I'm as deaf as a post and as dumb as an oyster when occasion requires. Name the task. Be it for veal or be it for woe, I am here to do your lordship's noble bidding.

Somees (impatiently). Enough of this rot ! I need your assistance. Your duties will not be arduous, while your pay shall be generous. I must, of course, take you into my confidence. You saw the gentleman who left this room a few minutes since ?

Getels. I did, sir.

Somees. Well, I dislike him, and firmly believe him to be my enemy, bent upon the destruction of my peace of mind. I wish only to be certain, then I will crush him as I would a snake. Do you understand me ? Don't stand there like an animated wooden figure or a grinning ape! What I require of you is to watch him and my wife, and report to me any conversation between them you may by any means overhear. Can I rely upon you ?

Geills. You can, sir. The combined tortures of the Inquisition would not wrest from me this awful secret.

Somees. Very well. Here is the first installment of your reward, (holding out bank-notes.) Be faithful, and you will not regret your bargain.

Geills. Ha! Ha!

" Shall we now contaminate our fingers

With base bribes, and sell the mighty space of our large honors

For so much trash as may be grasped thus ?

I'd rather be a dog and bay the moon

Than such a — "

Somees (interrupting). Oh, very well. Since you have so many conscientious scruples in regard to taking the money, I will—

Getels. Yet stay! I will receive thy shekels; (aside) for I'm thundering hard up. (takes bills from Sowers.) "Oh, what a fall of Grills was there, my countrymen !"

Somees. Have a care ! If you betray me I shall readily find means to punish you. [Exit Somees, l.

Getels. "Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I !" But for the pressing wants of genius I had not stooped to such base uses. Yet the die is cast ! The gold I gain from this old man will start me on the road to fame and fortune. What, do my eyes deceive me ? As I live, there goes the base knave who I am to watch with the lady now, no doubt for a quiet stroll. Ha! Item first for the old gent, (writing in note-book.) Soon by my discoveries the damning chain of guilt will be complete. The auj at sea. 13

enraged husband enters upon the scene — insult — challenge — surgeon — pistols — husband victorious — vice crushed — forgiveness and happy reunion of mollified husband and erring wife ! Quite good material for a five-act drama. With this dross which I will earn by my participation in this business, I shall be enabled to throw up the degrading situation I now occupy, and aided by that powerful ally gold, obtain an engagement at the Globe. Once given the opportunity, my transcendent genius must and will show itself, and Brutus Pizarro Grills will immediately become one of the brightest meteors among the many stars of the dramatic firmament. He will, by Jupiter ! I must oontrol myself, or the thought of the brilliant future before me will drive me crazy with delight. Ha ! A footstep ! The vulture approaches with his tender prey fast in Ids clutches. I must watch them. Where, oh, where is there a hiding-place ? Behind this chair ? No, it may be moved! Hold, under this table; from there I can observe all that passes.

' ' Why do I creep thus stealthily along, With trembling steps? Am I not arm'd by Heaven To execute it's mandate ? And shall I falter now, While every moment that he breathes may crush Some life else happy ?"

They're here. I must dissemble ! (gets under table.)

Enter Mrs. Somees and Mayne, b.

Mes. Somees. We've had a charming stroll, have we not, Lieutenant ?

Mayne. Charming indeed, and all the pleasanter for me that I perceive you so heartily sympathize with all my hopes and plans. Ah! if I only might know that my love was returned, what an entirely happy man I should be.

Gkells (protruding head from under table, aside). I wish they'd speak louder. He's talking of love, (writing in note-book.)

Mes. Somees. Well, my dear Lieutenant, why don't you seek an interview and ask the all-important question ? I am sure you will not fail.

Gellls. Item: (lorites) she does not repulse him.

Maine. I wish to Heaven I could feel as sure. This, with me, is no mere idle fancy, but an overpowering passion, which affects the whole happiness of my life. Should my love not be returned —

Mes. Somees. But it is returned. Of that I am certain, though I suppose I ought not to tell you so.

Gehjls (aside). I should think she hadn't. His love returned! (writing.)

Mayne. Mrs. Somers, you inspire me with fresh life and hope. But even if, as you say, I am beloved, your husband may object.

GehjuS (aside). I think likely he may !

Mayne. If his opposition be strong —

Grills {aside). I'll swear it will !

Mrs. Somers. Oh, never mind my husband ! In some things he is a goose. I am bound up heart and soul in your plans, and if worse comes to worst, I would even connive at an elopement.

Grills (aside). Great Heavens ! The plot thickens.

Mrs. Somers. Now I must leave you, as I have something to do for Jack.

Mayne. My most grateful thanks go with you. If possible, I will see her alone to-day.

Mrs. Somers. Do so. You have my best wishes. Au revoir.

[Exit Mrs. Somers, l.

Mayne. Yes, I will shake off this fear and hesitation that heretofore have overpowered me. I'll seek Rose at once, and learn my fate this very day. [Exit Mayne, r.

Grills (coming from under table). Ye gods ! The old man's head is more level than I at first suspected. I have news indeed for him.

Enter S03

Somers. The more I think of this confounded business, the more annoyed I am. (discovering Grills). Ah ! Grills ! at your work.

Grills. Aye, sir, and at yours, too. "I can a tale unfold whose lightest word will harrow up thy soul — "

Somers. What, have you made a discovery already ? What is it, man?

Grills. Calm yourself, and be prepared for the worst ! Are your nerves braced to meet —

Somers. What in Heaven's name do you mean ? If you possess an atom of brain — speak !

Grills. Sir, I almost fear — yet why shrink from the inevitable ? Know, sir, that your suspicions, far from being unjust, were correct in every particular. He loves, and is loved !

Somers. Then you have seen Mayne and —

Grills. And your wife, and have listened to a conversation which will ever affect my trust in woman, my belief in man's honor.

Somers. Oh, hang your comments ! I'm in no mood to listen to such trash. What have you heard or seen ?

Grills. Your wife and Lieutenant Mayne came in after a walk which seemed to have been particularly pleasant to both. He was most devoted, pressed her hand, swore undying love, which she met with an affection equally as ardent, and after many expressions of regret at the cruel fate which separates them — planned an elopement.

Somers. You heard this ?— and she— oh, my God ! This is too much ! Qh, Kitty, Kitty, I loved you so ! Curse him for a

AliL AT SEA. 15

sneaking villain, his blood shall avenge this cruel wrong. Curse him ! Curse him ! [Exit Sohebs, l.

Gkills. By all the gods of love and war, I am undone. The old man is off his chump, and will surely do mischief, if not murder. What an ass I was, not to ask him for security ! for now I may never be paid. But I will follow him, and perhaps yet secure "that which is but mine own." [Exit hastily, l.

Enter Kose and Mayne, b. He hands her to chair. She sits.

Bose. What a funny idea of yours to imagine I was making a secret of our intended departure from the city. I really intended to speak of it, but you so interested me with that exciting account of your adventures in the Chinese village, that I quite forgot everything else, and when I awoke to my immediate surroundings, I found it an awfully late hour, and so I sent you home.

Mayne. No, indeed. If you remember, it was I that first made the discovery of the dreadful lateness of the hour by referring to my watch, and out of the generosity of my self-sacrificing nature, I went out into the darkness.

Bose. Poor man! How great of you. Your sex is so proverbially selfish, that such an unusual instance of self-denial should be spread throughout the world.

Mayne. Seriously, it did cost me an effort to go. But, Miss Leigh, I have sought this interview to speak on a subject which concerns my whole happiness. With you it rests to decide whether I leave here to-day a hopeless, aimless, miserable wretch, or remain here the happiest of mortals.

Bose (shyly). Bests with me? I am sure I don't wish to do anything to make you unhappy.

Mayne. Since the first time I met you, some few months ago, your image has been constantly "before me. When absent from you, I have seemed only to exist — not to live; when with you, I have been in an atmosphere of almost perfect happiness, which I feared to disturb by speaking. Oh, Bose ! can you not see I love you — love you with a passion that defies my most ardent attempts to express it ? You have become my guide — my aspiration — my hope. Without you, life would be for me a blank, and I should care nothing for what the future might bring forth ; with you by my side I can dare and do all things. You are silent ! Can I have mistaken your feelings, and do you care nothing for me? Bose, my darling, can you love me?

Bose (impulsively). Can I ? Don't you know I do !

Mayne (embracing her). My own love ! Can it be possible that such happiness is mine, or shall I presently awake to find it only another of the delusive dreams that I have so often indulged in ?

Bose. Yes, Harry, it is quite real. If my love can make you happy, you have my whole heart. But axe you sure that you love me so much ?

16 ALE AT SEA.

Mayne. Sure? Certain as that I breathe — a thousand times more than I can ever tell you. Only one thing now troubles me in the least. Your brother-in-law, for some reason which I can't guess, has evidently taken a violent dislike to me. Whether this is on account of my attentions to you or not, I can't say. At all events, he will not favor my suit, and as he is your guardian, that will be anything but pleasant.

Rose. He certainly was not pleased with your coming here; that I noticed.

Mayne. Perhaps Mr. Somers dislikes me because of my past life, which has, I frankly confess, been somewhat wild and reckless. But, darling, all this is a thing of the past. The future is in my own hands, and I know very soon, with your aid, I shall become a model man in every respect. At present, I am rather in the rough; but I am not, believe me, without possibilities, as you shall see.

Kose. Don't imagine, dear, your past can ever mar my future happiness. I willingly forget and forgive any follies you may have committed, for I know you'll be true now.

Mayne (embraces her). Thank you, darling; the world's vices and I have now nothing in common. I shall live but for you, my chief object your happiness.

Enter Mks. Some&s, n.

Mes. Somees. Oh, the brute ! Oh, the vile, wicked monster ! I hate him ! oh, how I hate him ! And he, the old villain, pretending to be jealous of me, who loved him so. 'Twas only a cloak for his own wickedness. Oh ! if I had her here I'd — I'd—

S° SE - !■ What is the matter ?

Mayne

Kose. Dear Kitty, are you ill? Who is this brute, villain, monster, and everything else that is bad ?

Mayne. And who is "she?" Pray explain !

Mks. Somees. I'm a deceived, broken-hearted woman; but I won't stand it — I shall leave him and go —

Kose. For Heaven's sake, sister, calm yourself, and tell us your trouble. Perhaps we can help you.

Mks. Somees. There can be no help. But there— the world will know it,, so you might as well hear the first report. Ha, ha, ha ! (hysterically. ) Kead the glaring proof of his infidelity, and then take me somewhere — anywhere away from him. I never want to see his wicked, deceitful face again, (handing Kose letter.)

Rose. Listen, Harry; what can this mean? (reading.)

*' Dear Jack: Yours received. I have fulfilled your instructions to the letter. As you expected, I experienced a little difficulty. The old man evidently suspected something. I'm happy to say it's all 0, K., and I must congratulate you for a

AT.T4 AT SEA. 17

lucky dog. By Jove ! I'm in love with her myself. A trifle dark, but, ye gods, what style ! Shapely legs, and eyes that look right through you. But I'll spare you further rhapsodies. Run down to-morrow and see for yourself; you'll find her at 183 Charles Street. Drop in and see me during the day; I want to hear you rave. Truly yours, Feed.

"P. S. — She needs as much care as a baby. You must be tender in dealing with her, for she has lots of spirit. It is fortunate you've a long purse, for I fancy you'll find her an expensive luxury to keep. F."

Mes. Somees {with forced calmness). Well, what do you think of that for a specimen ? Ought I not to be proud of so noble, so virtuous a husband ?

Mayne. Have you seen Mr. Somers ? Perhaps —

Mes. Somees. I tell you I never will see him again. I hate him!

Rose. But why not show him the letter? At least, give him a chance to defend himself.

Mes. Somees. I believe you sympathize with him. Every one is against me. I wish I were dead, (sobbing.)

Rose. Dearest Kitty, how cruel you are ! I will never desert you.