How to behave: a manual of manners and morals

Front matter

A MANUAL OF

MANNERS AND MORALS.

By T. L. NICHOLS, M.D.,

Preface

The number of Manners books, books of Etiquette, and Guides to Politeness and the Usages of Good Society, shows the want felt for instruction in good behaviour, and what have been called the minor morals. The supply has been in some proportion to the demand, and the demand shows a very laudable desire for improvement in the deportment, graces, and accomplishments which give a charm to society.

I have added to the number of these useful books, because those I have examined, however correct and admirable they may be in laying down rules of conduct, or laws of etiquette, do not generally appear to give the principles of social rights and duties, which are the basis of good behaviour. They seem to me rather external and superficial ; whereas good manners are based on morals, and good intention must be the spring of all right action.

I have wished, also, to widen the scope of such instruction. Good behaviour is something more than the proper manners of the drawing-room, the dinner, or the ball. It belongs to all our relations

PREFACE.

to and intercourse with each other; therefore 1 have treated of the relations of husbands and wives, parents and children, masters and servants, employers and employed, landlords and tenants, tradesmen and customers, lawyers and clients, physicians and patients, clergymen and parishioners; of the varied relations of men and women to each other in our complex civilisation, the mutual duties involved in those relations, and the kind of behaviour to each other which will best promote the welfare and happiness of the whole community, as well as the grace and excellence, the charm and enjoyment of what is called society.

I have tried to make a good and useful book, and I shall be very glad if I have succeeded in making one which will prove also interesting and agreeable to its, I hope, numerous readers — one worthy to take its place in a list of "Works on Sanitary and Social Science."

T. L. Nichols.

Malvern, November ■, 1873.

CON TEN TS.

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PAGE.

Chap. I. — Introduction, I II. — Care of the Person, 1 6

III. — Clothes, - 25

IV. — Deportment, 38

V. — Manners, 50

VI. — Accomplishments, - - - - - 59

VII.— Society, - 68

VIII.— Etiquette, 82

IX. — Conversation,- ----- 97

X.— The Family, 124

XII.— Marriage, 148

XIII. — Work, 160

XIV. — Service, 171

XVI.— Speculation, 187

XVII.— Professions, 192

XVIII.— Aristocracy, 205

XIX.— Religion, 212

XX. — Miscellaneous Maxims, - - - - 217

HOW TO BEHAVE.

CHAPTER L

Introduction

Some time ago I wrote a little book which sold for sixpence, entitled " How to Live on Sixpence a-Day;" showing that simple, pure, and very economical food is better for every body than the most costly viands, and what are esteemed the greatest luxuries. I followed this with a larger one — " How to Cook," partly original, partly a compilation of recipes, to show how well people can live at a very cheap rate, and at how slight a cost they can have a varied, abundant, and delicious diet. Now I finish the series with a still larger and more widely important work, on manners and morals, or the conduct of life, which I shall call— " How to Behave."

It is not merely a manners book — not simply a book of etiquette; but it treats of the elements of good manners, and the moral principles which are the basis of all right being and right doing — of good behaviour. It is an attempt to teach, in the plainest and most thorough manner, what every man and woman ought to know and do for themselves, and their own health, comfort, dignity, and happiness, and

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in order that they may promote the comfort and happiness of all aiound them.

It is what we are, and thereby what we do, that gives us our value as members of society. In " Human Physiology, the Basis of Sanitary and Social Science, " I have said : — " All our faculties are social. Our intellect demands conversation, appreciation, admiration. Reading and writing, or correspondence, are partial substitutes, but what we enjoy much more is the animation of the living voice, the fire of the eye, the quick explanatory movements of the features, all the charm of refined and intelligent companionship. Our mirth is social; our wit is wasted if we speak it not ; our poetry must have hearers and readers : we make pictures and statues that they may be seen and enjoyed; our ambition, hope, pride, love of approbation, all refer to others — are social passions all. Our benevolence finds its objects in the world around us; oar conscience, or sense of justice and right, regards our relations to our fellow-men. In these relations is our true life, our real happiness, and love to God finds its practical manifestation in love to our fellow-men. Chiefly and best, we love Him in nature and in man. Reason and Religion are here in perfect harmony.

"Whenever people are brought into near relations and close contact with each other, their manners become of more importance, if possible, than what we call their morals, since a man may be very honest and well disposed, yet very disagreeable. To asso-

INTRODUCTION.

date with others, people must be neat and cleanly, must have no repulsive and disgusting habits, and be kind, civil, obliging, and courteous in their behaviour to each other. Crabbed, snarling, complaining, rude, disputatious people are nuisances in any society. The essence of politeness is unselfishness, a sense of justice, a constant, habitual regard for the rights of others, and the discipline and habit of attention to the welfare, the convenience, and happiness of those around us, and all with whom we come into contact or proximity. Children from their earliest years should be trained to an unselfish consideration for the pleasure of others ; and taught the delight of doing good. In all schools, civil, deferent, polite, conciliating, and obliging manners should be as carefully taught as the rudiments of learning. Manners really influence the character. Our thoughts and feelings are moulded by our actions."

I have quoted myself to show the animus of the book 1 am writing, and that I esteem it a very important part of the work of social reformation I have endeavoured to promote in all my writings, and especially in the book from which I have made the above extracts. But I shall now quote more freely from the writings of others, to show that I am not alone in my view of the importance of good manners to man and to society.

" Manners," says Burke, " are of more importance than laws. In a great measure the laws depend on them. The law teaches us but here and there, and

HOW TO BEHAVE.

now and then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarise or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe. They give their whole colour to our lives. According to their quality, they aid morals, they supply them, or they totally destroy them."

My countryman, President Jefferson, writing from Paris in 1785, says: — "With respect to polite manners, without sacrificing too much the sincerity of language, I would wish my countrymen to adopt just so much of European politeness as to be ready to make all those little sacrifices of self which render European manners amiable, and relieve society from the disagreeable scenes to which rudeness often subjects it. Here, it seems that a man might pass a life without encountering a single rudeness. In the pleasures of the table they are far before us, because with good taste they unite temperance. I have never yet seen a man drunk in France, even among the lowest of the people."

My own experience, almost a century later, agrees mainly with that of Mr. Jefferson. There is a greater consumption of brandy and absynthe in France than formerly, but still, one may travel across France, or live for weeks in Paris without ever seeing a Frenchman intoxicated. However cheap and abundant wines and liquors may be, most Frenchmen have too much amour propre, too much self-respect, too much regard for the good opinion of others, to get drunk. And it

INTRODUCTION.

S is delightful to live in a country where you are never intruded upon, never crowded, never insulted ; where the manners of the whole people, from the highest to the lowest, are civil, deferent, and obliging.

But even in England, where good manners are less cultivated, there is a quick appreciation, and ready imitation of civility. Dr. Caldwell, an American Physician, whose autobiography was published in 1855, was in London in 182 1, when some young American friends of his complained of the rudeness and neglect which they received from persons to whom they spoke in the streets. He told them the fault was probably in the bluntness of their own manners, and proposed that, for a small wager, they should try the experiment of walking about for some hours, while he asked questions of any persons they should designate. He says : "I put questions to more than twenty persons of every rank, from the high-bred gentleman to the servant in livery, and received, in every such instance, a courteous, and, in most instances, a satisfactory reply. What seemed most to surprise my friends was, that the individual accosted by me almost uniformly imitated my own manner. If I uncovered, as I usually did to a gentleman, or even to a man of ordinary appearance and breeding, he did the same ; and when I touched my hat to a liveried coachman or footman, his hat was immediately under his arm. So much may be done, and such advantages gained, by simply avoiding coarseness and vulgarity, and being well-bred and agreeable/'

HOW TO BEHAVE.

Mr. Emerson, to continue my American quotations, says : — " Manners are the happy ways of doing things • each one a stroke of genius or of love, now repeated and haidened into usage. They form at last a rich varnish, with which the routine of life is washed, and its details adorned. If they are superficial, so are the dewdrops which give such a depth to the morning meadows. Manners are very communicable ; men catch them from each other. Consuelo boasts of the lessons she had given the nobles in manners, on the stage and in real life. Talma taught Napoleon the art of behaviour. Genius invents fine manners, which the baron and the baroness copy very fast, and, by the advantage of a palace, better the instruction. They stereotype the lesson they have learned into a mode. The power of manner is incessant — an element as inconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. No man can resist their influence. There are certain manners which are learned in good society of that force, that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius. Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give him the mastery of palaces, and fortunes where he goes ; he has not the trouble of earning or owning them ; they solicit him to enter and possess/'*

Lord Chesterfield cites the example of Lord Albemarle, who, without birth, estate, learning, or abilities,

INTRODUCTION.

became colonel in the guards, governor of Virginia, groom of the Stole, and ambassador to Paris — appointments worth sixteen or seventeen thousand pounds a-year. 4 'Many people wondered/' says Lord Chesterfield, " but I do not. It was his air, his address, his manner, and his graces. He pleased, and by pleasing, became a favourite ; and by becoming a tavourite became all that he has been since."

A finer example of the power of manner is found in the life of Count Rumford \ a poor boy in Massachusetts, who founded the Royal Institution of Great Britain, and for many years governed the Kingdom of Bavaria. The fascination of his manner charmed all who knew him, and enabled him to carry out the most important philanthropic enterprises, of some of which I have given a brief account in " Count Rumford : How he Banished Beggary from Bavaria."

Within my memory, the standard of manners in England and America has visibly declined. Thus we hear of " gentlemen of the old school." I fear that America, after a century of progress, could scarcely show many gentlemen like George Washington, or Thomas Jefferson. In England, the manners of the upper classes are more simple, and their morals better in some particulars than they were fifty years ago ; but I judge that the manners, at least of the lower classes, have deteriorated ; for the aged are more respectful than the young, and there are many complaints of the increase of the rough element in the

HOW TO BEHAVE.

population of towns, with its vulgarity, insolence, and brutality.

But England has undertaken the education of the whole people, and it is to be hoped that the young of all classes will be taught good manners and pure morals, as well as reading, writing, and arithmetic. To aid in this most needful and beneficent work, I write this little book, which I mean to make so clear, so plain, so adapted to the simple common sense of every reader, that its instructions shall be perfectly understood — a way " so plain that the wayfaring man, though a fool, need not err therein." It is not a sort of book that is likely to give one a reputation for literature or science — it is not likely to be reviewed in the quarterly, or even the weekly, magazines of criticism. But I hope it will do good. Bad manners stand in the way of all improvement in social organisation and conditions. They are a terror and a nuisance. They hinder co-operation, and they increase social divisions, and intensify class distinctions. A reform in manners must precede any beneficial reforms in politics and society. Once manners are truly reformed, all other reforms become less difficult.

" How to Behave v is a matter of universal interest and utility. Every man, woman, and child, ought to know how to dress, act, converse, and respond to the varied demands of our social relations, in the best possible manner. Our whole life and society need re-forming, educating, refining, and

INTRODUCTION.

polishing, to bring out their highest use and beauty. Life is made up of little things ; little acts, little courtesies, little enjoyments. He who does best in these, gives most pleasure to others, and secures most happiness to himself.

Do not say these things are trifles and of no importance. It is worth every man's study and effort to be a gentleman ; and every woman should try to be a lady, in all that constitutes genuine ladyhood. All those things which combine to form the manners and guide the deportment of the lady and the gentle_ man are elements of human happiness. Happiness is the one object of all our hopes and efforts; and we must find it in the most perfect being and doing of which we are capable. It is the satisfaction of our highest faculties and aspirations. It comes in living our true life, and doing the very best we can for ourselves, which we can only do by promoting the welfare and happiness of our fellow-creatures. It is the social law that we can be happy only by contributing to the happiness of others. The command to love our neighbour as ourselves is therefore a command to secure our own happiness ; and there is no law of life which it is not our highest good and greatest happiness to obey. This is the basis of all justice and all morality. God commands, nature requires, Oxily what is best for us and for all. There can be no right to do wrong. A true freedom is the right to do right.

Life consists in being and doing. The being comes

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from the constitution of the being ; and the being is perfected, in its true development, by all genuine doing. The being of a man is the assemblage of all his capabilities. His bones and muscles, his strength and activity, his grace and beauty, his senses and organs, his propensities, sentiments, and intellectual faculties, all swell the wealth of his being. Each faculty has its own life, its own rights, and its own capabilities of happiness ; and all combine to make up the harmony of the complete being, which we call a man ; and it is the full, equal, and harmonious satisfaction of all these faculties, which constitutes the greatest happiness, and so fulfils the end of manhood. Low enjoyments come from the exercise of low faculties, separated from, or uncontrolled by higher. High enjoyments consist in the exercise of the noblest faculties of honour, devotion, benevolence, and justice. Nothing can fully satisfy the aspirations of the human soul, but the complete and harmonious gratification of all its desires and capabilities of enjoyment. Therefore, small things are of great consequence. A leaf is a little thing, but leaves make up the foliage of a tree, and each leaf has its own vital function. The little graces, accomplishments, and suavities of life, are like the leaves of the tree; like the petals of its flowers, like the thousand of minute but charming things in nature which make up the sum of her attractions.

The happiness of life in the aggregate — of the lives of the millions of men, women, and children around

INTRODUCTION.

II us — is far more influenced by manners and behaviour; by the minor morals, or a regard to small rights and decorums; by kindness, politeness, and the elegancies of what some may think trifling accomplishments, than by noble or heroic actions of benevolence, or self-sacrifice, or magnanimity. Such acts fall within the opportunities of few, and cannot occur often ; but the others may enter into our daily and hourly lives, and diffuse their influence over our whole existence; and this joy of being and action is radiated and reflected everywhere; and its circling blessings, like the light of the stars, spread through the universe.

Is it not a happiness to feel yourself charming; beautiful in form and feature, if so blessed ; beautiful in carriage and manner ; beautiful in the neatness and elegance of your dress ; beautiful in the kindness and politeness that shine forth in every expression? You are happy in all this; you see others happy in admiring you. You feel that you add to the sum of human happiness. You are a living joy — a blessing in yourself, a blessing to all who see you. Men pause in their busiest walks to look at you, and feel better for the looking. Each visit you make diffuses a new joy. The day is full of delights. You give a new charm to many lives ; thus happiness is radiated upon other spirits, and so on, outward and onward, until your beauty has charmed the world, and your smile, like the beams of those far-off stars, whose light has not yet reached us, will shine upon posterity.

HOW TO BEHAVE.

And everything which contributes to the harmony of life in any being — every line of beauty, or motion of grace, or assemblage of pleasant colours, or concord of sweet sounds, is a real blessing ; and every look, or word, or action, which gives pleasure and promotes happiness, becomes a high moral duty. This is no mere question of fancy, of caprice, of arbitrary custom, or fashion ; but it is one of rights and duties, important enough for pulpits, and grave enough for legislators.

There is no rule of life which is not based on science, and which may not be referred to some principle or law. Doubtless there may be observances of etiquette which seem purely arbitrary and capricious, but they are few and of little consequence. Even these, if carefully examined, may be found to have, or to have had, some good reason. But every genuine and valuable rule of behaviour may be referred to some principle of natural law ; so that the observance of what may seem at first glance a matter of trifling etiquette, may be a moral duty ; and a breach of decorum a crime.

A rudeness to any person is an offence, and is even recognised as such in law. The neglect of politeness, in certain cases, is a positive rudeness. The man who does not do what is becoming to a gentleman, commits a sin of omission, which may be a very grave one. He who does not prevent an injury, when it is in his power, might almost as well inflict it. The man who neglects to save life is not

INTRODUCTION.

*3 much better than a downright murderer. So, a neglect of politeness may be the severest insult that can be offered.

Every breach of good manners is some violation of right. Every neglect of politeness is a failure in duty. Men and women are members of society, and have social wants and social duties growing out of their social relations. It is not enough that we let people alone, and injure no one. It is not enough to " cease to do evil ; we must also " learn to do well."

Every faculty and every organ has its own special rights— the right not to be offended ; the right to gratification and pleasure. Taste has the right not to be compelled to eat unsavoury food; and the right to seek for gustatory enjoyments. The parent who compels a child to eat food which is loathsome to its unperverted taste, violates the rights of this sense. The host who provides good food, and the cook who prepares it, exercise the politeness of taste, and satisfy the rights of appetite.

The smell has its rights, but they are everywhere violated. Whoever fills the air I must breathe with unpleasant odours, is guilty of a wrong. If the smell is merely unpleasant, it is an impoliteness ; if unwholesome, it is a crime ; and, as a general law, unpleasant odours are also unwholesome. Poor nose ! its rights are little recognised. Our streets are filled with nauseous odours ; and the personal uncleanliness of many persons is an outrage to the sense of smell.

HOW TO BEHAVE.

Sight has a right to beauty, symmetry, and elegance of form, harmony of colours, grace of movement, and every pleasing quality ; to fine scenery, noble architecture, elegant furniture and decorations, to exquisite works of art, and to all possible beauty of person, costume, and adornment. Its rights are denied by deprivation of these enjoyments, and it is outraged by every obtrusion of ugliness.

Hearing has the right to sweet and melodious sounds, and the grand harmonies of musical art : it is offended by noise, confusion, and all harsh, dissonant and repulsive sounds.

There is scarcely a greater fault of manners, or offence against the rights of others, than the unnecessary obtrusion of painful, repulsive, or disgusting ideas or things. He who conceals a pain, an affliction, or a misfortune, from politeness, which is but another name for kindness or benevolence, is a true hero.

With some people the chief staple of conversation consists of the aches, illnesses, and misfortunes of themselves and their neighbours ; but such things ought never to be brought into a circle of refined society. We should no more pain or disgust others than inflict bodily injuries.

Thus we see that a book of behaviour may be a work of science and philosophy; that etiquette is based on principles and laws; that behaviour may have its foundation in mathematics; that grace of deportment is a noble art; that from the slightest act

INTRODUCTION.

of complaisance to the highest moral duty the same great principles should govern us.

it has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. Each individual does secure the greatest possible happiness to himself when he promotes, in the highest degree, the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all; and were there no question of the feelings or opinions of others, every man would like to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society. It is for this reason that, when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity ; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in the privacy of her own apartment, is just as much a lady, as sweet, and delicate, and refined, and every way beautiful, as in the parlour, where I met her for a morning chat ; or in the drawing-room, where she is the cynosure of the evening party. Because everyi6

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where the free being acts out his true nature. His life is instinctive and genuine, and his training has perfected his capabilities ; so that habit is a second nature, which he does not violate.

Chapter II. Care Of The Person

There can be no health, no comfort, no happiness in one's self; nor is it possible to be agreeable, or even tolerable to others, without attending to the common decencies of life in the care of our own bodies.

No one wishes to inspire others with disgust. No one ought to be willing, from laziness, inattention, or moroseness, to produce an unpleasant impression on any of the senses of those about him. No man can afford to cut himself off from human sympathy, which is an element of life.

The care of the person is the beginning of good manners. We enter here upon delicate ground; but the reader will see its necessity, and excuse our plainness of speech. The first moral and physical duty of every human being is to be clean. Cleanliness is akin to godliness. Filth is a violation of the rights of several of the senses. We see it; we feel it; sometimes we may be cheated into tasting it; and we smell it terribly. In all ways, and under all

CARE OF THE PERSON.

I?

conditions, it is vile and bad, ill-mannered and immoral.

First of all, then, and above all, and as the prime condition of all excellence of character and beauty of life, be thoroughly and perfectly clean! The human organism is so constituted that no person can be absolutely clean without washing the whole surface of the body every day. Millions of pores are constantly exuding waste matter from the body. This matter, if allowed to remain, is filth; in any considerable quantity it is poison. Retained in the system, it is matter of disease.

It is not enough to change the under garments often. Much is carried away, but much also adheres. In certain parts of the body, as under the arms and on the feet, it collects rapidly, and in a few hours has an offensive odour.

Cleanly persons have acute senses. I know ladies who can tell whether a person bathes daily the moment he comes into the room. Many a well-dressed man scents a parlour, as soon as he enters it, with the odour of his unwashed feet and gathered perspiration. We smell it everywhere — at theatres and churches, in steamboat cabins and omnibuses; everywhere we meet this mortifying and disgusting fact of personal uncleanliness. People whose senses are blunted by custom are unconscious of their personal conditions, but they are always liable to meet those to whom their lack of the first decency of life is a violent breach of good manners.

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It is not difficult to take a daily bath — that is, to wash one's self all over thoroughly every morning. If face and hands feel better for it, why not the whole body? Cold water is better than warm; more invigorating, with less liability to chill. Washing the whole skin daily in cold water keeps that great purifying organ, with its myriads of glands and pores, in a pure, active, and healthy condition, and promotes the healthy action of every organ of the body. Dirt, on the other band — the condensed perspiration, the solidified waste matter of the system — stops up the pores, and is a mechanical cause of disease, as well as an active poison. It is well to take a thorough washing every few days with hot water and soap, or ammonia, and this may be most conveniently done at night before going to bed ; but the daily bath, for cleanliness and health, should be taken on rising in the morning.

If one has but a pint of water, he can wash the whole body with his hands, if he can do no better. If one has but two towels, one can be dipped in the water and used to wash with, and the other to wipe. If there is a shallow tub to stand in, the towel can be used with as much water as it will hold. Some prefer a sponge, but one may do very well with a towel. Begin with face, head, and arms. At least * the scalp and roots of the hair should have the benefit of the daily bath. Then dip the towel afresh and wash down the front of the body and legs; double lengthwise, dip, and, beginning at the neck, wash