Life of Mrs. Virginia Hale Hoffman, late of the Protestant Episcopal mission to western Africa

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Prefatory Note

The writer of the following pages is deeply sensible how imperfectly they portray the character of her whose life is there sketched. The work has occupied the morning hours of a summer recreation, while the author was seeking rest and refreshment from exhausting labors amid the quiet scenes of the country. It has been a labor of love to revive and deepen the memories of the past connected with one whose friendship was prized as one of life's most precious blessings. Never has it been his lot to meet on earth a more lovely specimen of saintliness. or a life that reflected more of the image of Jesus. That these pages will leave upon the mind of the reader as deep an impression concerning their subject as that of the writer,

VI PREFATORY NOTE.

it were too much, to expect. All that is claimed for her is, not a place by the side of brilliant or gifted heroines, but among the holy and the humble-hearted who sit with Mary at Jesus' feet; not a name on the page of history that records the genius of Madame de Stael, or the more unenviable fame of Lady Blessington ; but a place in the Lamb's Book of Life, along with the saintly ones whose graves lie among the heathen, for whose salvation their lives were spent.

Baltimore. Md., December 13th, 1858.

Chapter I. The Christian Woman

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" She hath done what she could" — Woman's indebtedness to Christianity — Her position in Greece and Rome — in Heathen Lands now — Elevated by the Gospel to her rightful rank — Christianity's indebtedness to Woman — Eunice, Lois, Phoebe, Monica, Catharine the Alexandrine Martyr, Hannah Moore, the mother of Doddridge, Elizabeth Fry, the mother of Mills, of Lyman, Harriet Newell, Anne Hazeltine Judson — Mrs. Hoffman's birth — Recollections of her childhood — Her Mother's piety — Early left an Orphan 17

Chapter II. The New Birth

Characteristics of her Childhood — No early Religious development — Removal to Norfolk — Religious influences surrounding her there — Confirmation at the age of fifteen — First Communion — Growth in grace

— Maturity of Christian character .. 4 28

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Vlll TABLE OF CONTENTS.

Chapter III

Interest in Missions to the Heathen — Her decision — Struggles with herself — Opposition from Friends — Her departure postponed by the decision of her Guardian — Cheerful acquiescence — Her active life in the Church in Norfolk — The Sunday School— Parish School — Visiting the Poor — Ladies' Praying Circle, 33

Chapter IV. Her Journal In Norfolk

1849-50 41

Arrival of Rev. Mr. Hoffman from Africa — Her marriage — Departure for the North — Letter to one of her Sunday Scholars — - An unexpected visit of a day to Norfolk — Farewell Missionary Meeting in Baltimore 50

Chapter VI. Outward Bound

The Protestant Episcopal Mission in Western Africa — Life at Sea — A Storm — Duties on board Ship — Day- School and Sunday-School among the Emigrants — Studying Grebo — Sunday Services — A Sunset at Sea — Messengers from Land — " The Haven where they would be" 57

TABLE OF CONTENTS. IX CHAPTER VII.

A NEW HOME IN AN OLD WORLD.

The Kroomen — On Shore — Beauty of the Country — " A Paradise but for Sin " — Sinoe — Cape Palmas — Bev. Mr. Hening's home at Mount Hope — Visit from him — At Gov. Bussworm's — "Bridal Calls" — Visit to Mount Vaughan — Meeting with Bev. Mr. Payne — Visit to Bocktown — Boads to Cavalla — Kardi's wife 64

CHAPTEB VIII.

HOME AND LIFE AT CAVALLA.

Reception at Cavalla — Description of the Mission House — A happy Home — Daily Life and Duties — Study of the Grebo — Longings to begin her work among the Natives — Laying of the corner-stone of the Church of the Epiphany 71

CHAPTEB IX.

LIFE AT CAVALLA CONTINUED.

Letters to a Friend at home — A Baptism — Heathen Marriage customs — Bev. Mr. Payne's return to the United States, to be consecrated Bishop — Mr. Hoffman's duties — Acclimation — Native African mode of Warfare — A " Palaver "— Bell for Church of the Epiphany — Sassa-wood — Beauties of Nature, and Heathen vileness 80

X TABLE OF CONTENTS.

CHAPTER X.

LIFE AT CAVALLA. — CONTINUED.

First Letters from Home — Foliage and Flowers of Africa — Hope for Africa — Her Sun will yet Rise — The African Fever — Weeks of Sickness — U. S. Ships John Adams and Germantown — Kindness of the Officers — Rejoicing over the work of Grace among the Colored People in Norfolk — Her Birth-day — Restoration to health — Visits with Mr. H. among the Natives — "Babe," the Leper — Translations from the Scriptures into Grebo 89

CHAPTER XI.

LIFE AT CAVALLA. CONTINUED.

The New Year — Good health — Joyful entrance upon active duties — In School — Funeral of Menu — Schools in Native Towns — Return of Mr. and Mrs. Hening to the United States — His Blindness — Her death at Norfolk — Longings for Bishop Payne's return — Growth of Mrs. Hoffman's spiritual life — "A life hid with Christ in God " — Peaceful death of a Native Christian 99

CHAPTER XII.

LIFE AT CAVALLA. — CONTINUED.

A Day of Gladness — • Arrival of the Bishop — Plans for enlarging the Missionary work — Mr. Rogers and Miss Colquhoun — Adoption of views of Christ's Se-

TABLE OF CONTENTS. XI

cond Coming — ■ Arrival of the U. S. brig Perry — Visit of the Commander to Cavalla — Second Anniversary of her Marriage — Christ becoming more precious — Realizing the blessedness of being "in Christ " — Reflections on her Birth-day — " Busy " in her work for Christ — Five years under Christ's banner 110

CHAPTER XIII.

LIFE AT CAVALLA. — CONTINUED.

Bright Prospects — St. Mark's Church at Cape Palmas — First Confirmation in the Mission, on Christmas Day, 1852 — Visit to the Brig Perry — Return of Sickness — Arrival of new Missionaries — Death of Mrs. Scott 123

CHAPTER XIV.

"FAINT, YET PURSUING."

Birth of " Little Kate " — Departure of Mrs. Payne and MissWilliford for the United States— Mrs. Hoffman's new duties — Joyful Tidings from Home — Interest in the Gospel among the Grebos — Thanksgiving Day — Loss of Friends at Norfolk — Her Reflections — Precious Hopes in Christ 134

Xll TABLE OP CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XV.

HOMEWARD BOUND.

Failing Health — Need of Relaxation — Compelled by Sickness to leave — Arrival of Eight Missionaries

— Embarking in the Banshee for Rio de Janeiro — At Rio, sailing in the Indus for the United States — Safe Arrival at Norfolk in April — Joyful Meetings — Apathy of the Church at Home towards the great Work of Missions to the Heathen — Depressing to

the Missionaries — Ideal of a Missionary Church.... 141

CHAPTER XVI.

A TEAR IN THE UNITED STATES.

Mr. Hoffman acting as Agent for the Foreign Committee — Visit to Goshen — Death of her Grandmother

— Good News from Africa — Illness of her Sister — Return of Mrs. Payne to Africa — Miss Alley and Rev. Robert Smith — in Albany — Return to Norfolk — Visit to Richmond — Washington and the Seminary near Alexandria — Sad Fears of Detention in this Country — Relieved — The Reproach to the Church of a lack of Missionary Funds 147

CHAPTER XVII.

RETURN TO AFRICA.

Embarkation in the Cora, in Hampton Roads — Last Farewell to America — Miss Williford. — Letters —

TABLE OF CONTENTS. X11I

Duties on Shipboard — Sketch of the Mission since Mrs. Hoffman's Departure from it — Monrovia — Bassa — Mr. Gibson — Two native Africans Ordained — Deaths of Miss Smith, of Dr. Steele, of Rev. G. W. Home, and of R,ev. Robert Smith — Return of Rev. Mr. Wright — The Missionaries remaining unmoved by all these sorrows 162

CHAPTER XVIII.

A NEW HOME.

At Monrovia — The United States Ship Dale — Arrival at Cavalla — Tokens of God's Blessing upon the Labors of the Mission — Mrs. Hoffman's joy 180

CHAPTER XIX.

A PENTECOST IN AFRICA.

The Bishop's Narrative — Rev. Robert Smith's Death the Instrument in God's Hand 189

CHAPTER XX.

LIFE AT ROCKTOWN.

Change in the Heathen — Their Eagerness to hear the Gospel — The Convocation at Rocktown — Its Memorable Results 198

XIV TABLE OF CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XXI.

LIFE AT ROCK TOWN. CONTINUED.

The Home at Roektown — Regular Duties — More Blessings — Severe Sickness — Illness of "Little Kate" — A primitive Agapa, or Love-Feast — Sad Tidings from Norfolk — Death, of her Sister — Her Reflections upon this Event — Progress of the Work of Christ among the Natives — An Incident in Heathen Life 205

CHAPTER XXII.

GATHERING CLOUDS.

Life's Sands running rapidly out — Illness in October

— Removal to the Orphan Asylum at Cape Palmas — "Little Kate" going Home — Mrs. Hoffman's Last Letters — Jesus very near to her 222

CHAPTER XXIII.

THE CLOSING SCENE THE GATE OF HEAVEN.

Growing weaker — Last Lines to her Friends in this Country — Lenten Season — Consolations abounding

— Mr. Hoffman's Letter 230

CHAPTER XXIV.

IN MEMOEIAM.

Gloom over the Mission — Sadness at Home — Minutes of the Foreign Committee 242

TABLE OF CONTENTS. XV

CHAPTER XXV.

PROGRESS OF THE AFRICAN MISSION SINCE THE DEATH OF MRS. HOFFMAN.

Few Laborers added — Rev. Mr. Holconib — Death of Miss Alley — Results of Twenty Years' Labor — A Work of Grace among the Children of the Orphan Asylum — War — Annexation of the Maryland Colony to Liberia — A Native Ministry coming forward — Africa's Redemption Sure 248

LIFE

MRS. VIRGINIA HALE HOFFMAN.

Chapter I. The Christian Woman

Perhaps the highest commendation ever passed upon a human being was spoken by the Divine Redeemer of a woman ; a retiring, unobtrusive inmate of a lowly home in Bethany — " She hath done what she could." And she who then broke the alabaster box of precious ointment upon His sacred head thus became the type and the head of an unending succession of Christian women, who have offered up their lives, "a sweet savor unto God," in the cause of Christ, and who have received from Him the meed of approbation, "well done, good and faithful servant ! enter into the joy of thy Lord."

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It may not be amiss, before entering upon the life of the subject of this memoir, to inquire into the peculiar relation between the religion of Christ and this portion of the human family — to ask, what has Christianity done for woman, and what service has woman rendered in return to Christianity? If we would learn what Christianity has done for womaiij we have only to look over the world, and back through history, and behold her position without the sphere of its influence. Look back to the nations of antiquity the most polished and most refined ; the ancient republics, where civilization reached its highest limit apart from Christianity. Amidst all the elegancies of Roman and Grecian life, woman's condition was but a servitude — a servitude, though wearing gilded fetters. Look again over the ancient and decaying civilization of the East, over India and China, Turkey and Japan, and what is her condition ? Alas, worse than that of the Roman matron or the Spartan maiden. In one, her doom is the prison of the harem ; in another, her fate too often is the suttee, or funeral pyre of her husband. Turning from these to Christian lands, let the question be asked, what has Christianity done for woman ? and the reply is, every thing. It has delivered her from bodily and mental thraldom, and stricken off the chains of her degradation in other ages and other lands.

It has lifted her to the position her Creator designed her to fill — man's equal, companion, and friend ; not his beast of burden, his toy, or his slave. It has constituted her the guardian of its most sacred interests, and entrusted to her the shaping, in childhood, of the everlasting destinies of the human race. It has seated her in a home — the nursery of piety, the shrine and sanctuary of "all that is lovely and of good report." It has hallowed her union with man, by making it the symbol of Christ's union with His Church, so intimate, so holy, so mysterious. But why need we enumerate ? For all that is excellent and lovely in female piety ; for all that is sacred to us in the memory of our childhood's home ; for all that is hallowed in the cherished names of mother, sister, and wife, we are indebted to the religion of Jesus Christ.

If we turn to the other question, and ask what has woman done in return for Christianity ? the answer will be, much every way; much that shines upon the pages of history — more that is written on high, and known only to God. Prom the day that Mary broke the box of ointment until the present hour, a noble line of women has rejoiced to endure labor and suffering for Christ. The succession of this ministry has never failed. Its ordination is from on high. "Its founders," one has beautifully said, "were the Marys and the Salomes, the devout women of the gospel, who ministered to Christ's wants when on earth ; and He, by accepting their services, instituted them, as it were, a ministry, never to die out." Mary broke the box of ointment, and Mary after Mary repeats the act in outpourings of charity upon His disciples; offerings none the less precious and fragrant to Him, because done to "the least of His brethren."

What a vast proportion of the beneficence of the gospel has ever been dispensed by this ministry! "Who have ever been the foster-parents of the orphan, the nurses of the sick, the comforters of the sorrowful, the friends of the stranger? Who gather the children of the poor into schools and asylums, and never weary in teaching them the words of eternal life ? Who, but the members of this world-wide sisterhood of love ?

"Following those who were 'last at the cross and earliest at the grave/ come familiar names recorded by the pen of inspiration ; the pious Eunice and Lois, the devoted Priscilla, and 'Phcebe, a servant of the church at Cenchrea.' Catching their spirit, we hear of Catharine the Alexandrine martyr, and Monica the mother of Augustine, to whose pious efforts her son's conversion and eminence in the church are due. Nor have modern times been less fruitful in such instances. Who has ever labored more constantly and effectively in the cause of truth than Hannah Moore, whose pen stayed the tide of infidelity and godlessness coursing through England among the highest and the lowest? In the walks of benevolence, whose footsteps shine with a sublimer radiance than hers who caused the dungeon and the cell to glow with the light of sympathy and love, the devoted Elizabeth Fry? And whose crown shall be brighter in heaven than that of the pious mother who in a crowded street of London taught her sickly child the word of God from the rude Scripture-scenes upon the tiles of the chimney-piece, her pictorial Bible ; and who lived to see that son become the eminent Philip Doddridge, the honored instrument of winning thousands to Christ?" But it has been reserved for the sphere of missions to the heathen to give to the church and to the world the brightest illustrations of the faith and love of woman for Christ. If the cause of missions had done nothing more than to give to the world such noble specimens of Christian character, it would be a full recompense for all the toil and care and money expended on it. " Here," says a voice just hushed in death,* " female piety has recovered and displayed anew the glory which it won when it wept at the cross and was early at the sepulchre. Here offerings more costly than those of the sweet spices of the sepulchre have been presented by the

* Dr. John Harris on " The Great Commission." New edition, pp. 215, 216.

Christian Marys of modern times. Here many a mother whom the world knows not, lias, in the depth, of her heart, like the mother of Mills, dedicated her offspring to a post of distant labor. What Spartan mother of old, when buckling on the armor of her son, and bidding him, as she gave him bis shield, "either to bring it back or to be brought back upon it," can compare with the widowed mother of Lyman,* when she replied, to the intelligence that her son had been murdered by the cannibal Battas, " I bless God, who gave me such a son to go to the heathen, and I never felt so strongly as I do at this moment the desire that some others of my sons may become missionaries and go and preach salvation to those savage men who have drank the blood of my son." What ancient Hebrew women, receiving "their dead raised to life again," surpassed the self-denying faith of the widowed mother who could say of a son, to whom herself and her seven children were beginning; to look for support, " let him go ; God will provide

* The Memoir of Lyman has recently been published by Robert Carter and Brothers, New York.

for me and my babes. And who am I, that I should be thus honored to have a son a missionary to the heathen?" and who, w T hen that son had labored successfully in India, and had died, could say of a second, a let William follow Joseph, though it be to India and an early grave !"

Here the accomplished and highly intellectual female may be seen meekly yet firmly devoting herself to a distant and arduous career — vieing with the hero in his defiance of dangers, and with the martyr in the endurance of them. If self-devotion deserve our applause, who can present a stronger claim than Harriet Newell? If the heroic endurance of suffering is to be embalmed in the memory, who deserves a brighter memorial than Anne Hazeltine Judson ? Nor, we trust, will the name of her whose grave is in the shadow T of the palm-trees of Western Africa, whose dust sleeps by its sounding sea, prove unworthy to be added to the catalogue of these martyrs for Christ and the cause of the w r orld's conversion.

Virginia Haviside, daughter of Horace and Abigail Hale, was born in Glastenbury, Connecticut, October 14th, 1832. Her father was a captain in the merchant service.* Her mo-

* The subjoined extract from a New York journal of 1822, may be of interest to many, as it narrates an incident in the life of her father, which gave rise to the name of ' Haviside.'

London, June 3.

The American Ship Persia. — The following statement will be found of great interest to the commercial world :

March 4th, 1822, in lat. 28° 27' S., long. 38° 32' E., the Hon. Company's ship Windsor, Capt. T. Haviside, fell in with the American ship Persia, of Boston, Horace Hale, commander, 48 days from Batavia. The Persia had sprung a dangerous leak, which required the incessant working of her pumps to keep her afloat. Capt. Hale requested Capt. Haviside would keep him company as far as the Cape of Good Hope, to which, on judging the very distressed state the vessel was in, the latter consented.

Whilst the weather permitted, all possible assistance was given to the Persia by the Windsor, both by men (daily) to relieve the crew, who were sinking through fatigue from unceasing labor, and artificers to keep the pumps in repair, which, being on a bad construction, were continually giving way — without which the vessel must inevitably have foundered, as the leak was but just kept under with fresh men at the pumps, laboring in the extreme and without intermission.

Captain Hale's conduct cannot be sufficiently appreciated. The zeal and firmness manifested by him and his officers in the preservation of the property entrusted to their charge, the abandonment of which would not only have been warranted, but seemed at times extremely urgent, from the distressing state of the ship, the exhausted condition of the crew, and the tempestuous weather they had to encounter, communication between the ships not at all times practicable, and the risk attending it often preventing the regular ther, Abigail Talcott, was a lady of superior mind, intellectual culture, and humble piety. Seven years after the birth of her youngest child, she was removed by death. Great was the loss of such a parent — but ere she was taken, she had left her impress upon the hearts and minds of her two children, Catharine and Virginia.

" You ask me," writes Virginia, in her sixteenth year, " to tell you more of my mother. I can tell you but little, as I was so very young when she died. My first recollection of the home of my childhood is, being called to sit by mother while she read and prayed with us. I was too young to prize it then ; but the remembrance of it is very sweet. I have not a doubt that it is due to her prayers that God led me thus early to love Him. She left me in His care upon her dying bed, and He has never left me. She would often tell us,

relief the Persia was in the habit of having from .the

Windsor.

It is, however, satisfactory to add, that Captain Hale and his officers met with the reward due to their exertions, in getting the Persia and their cargo safe into Table Bay, with the exception of some part thrown overboard at times when the leak gained upon the pumps.

when the storm was raging, that perhaps our father was in danger — perhaps even then the sea was rolling over him, and we would never see him more on this earth ; and then she would strengthen her own faith by bidding us kneel and offer up our prayers with her's. Her life w r as a sad one, but sorrow drew her nearer to God." Who that knew in after years the life of almost incessant prayer of this dear child of God, can doubt that the impress of such sacred hours and such pious training, laid the foundation of her lofty and symmetrical Christian character ? That sad yet pious mother, removed so early from her children, has reaped ill heaven the fruit of those seeds which were sown in tears, and yet in holy trust in God.

Chapter II. The New Birth

" Tell me, I pray thee, thy Name !"

Jacob at Peniel.

" 'Tis Love ! Tis Love ! Thou diedst for me ; I hear thy whisper in my heart : The morning breaks ; the shadows flee : Pure, universal Love Thou art.

My prayer hath power with God ! the grace Unspeakable I now receive : In vain have I not wept and strove: Thy nature and Thy name is Love !"

The childhood of Mrs. Hoffman presents ns with no incidents of special interest, nor with any remarkable traits of character. At the age of eleven years, she was bereaved of her father, and left, with her sister, orphans. Left much to themselves, and thrown upon their own resources, their characters were more rapidly developed. In the youngest sister, the subject of this memoir, there was, as a child, firmness even to obstinacy. She could be ruled by love, but unmoved by force. A proud spirit, united to a dignified manner, led her at school to seek the society of her seniors in age, but not in intellectual growth. More reserved in her manners than most young persons, her intimates at school were few. Up to the age of fourteen, she manifested no indications of piety, no evidences of a heart renewed by the grace of God. She had heard of Christ by the hearing of the ear, but knew Him not as her divine Saviour. The world occupied her thoughts, yet satisfied not her soul. But we are now approaching the period of her life when old things are to pass away, and all things become new, and she is to pass into "the glorious liberty of the children of God."

At the age of fifteen, she left the friends in the North, who had watched over her since the death of her mother, and became an inmate of her sister's (Mrs. Richard Dickson) home, in Norfolk, Va. Here the providence of God seems to have thrown around her special influences to prepare her for the great work of her life. She found herself at once in the midst of a warm-hearted community,

30 T PIE NEW BIRTH.

surrounded by tender, sympathizing friends, and in the bosom of an earnest, living Church. Scarcely had a single month of her residence in Norfolk passed, when a marked change in her character and intercourse with others began to be observed. She had listened not in vain to the faithful preaching of the Gospel of Christ. It became to her the sword of the Spirit, the power of God to her salvation. God opened her heart to receive the truth — she heard, believed, repented, loved, and obeyed.

It was on a Sabbath afternoon, in the autumn of 1847, that the writer of these pages was called, as her pastor, to converse with her for the first time concerning her soul's salvation. His personal acquaintance with her heretofore had been but very slight. How great was his surprise to find in her a deep and thorough work of grace — the whole soul melted by the love of God in Christ, and earnestly embracing Jesus as her wdsdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. On that evening, the rite of confirmation was to be administered in Christ Church by the venerable and beloved Bishop Meade. She was encouraged to present herself without delay as a candidate. She embraced the invitation with delight — and on that night, just fifteen years of age, she stood before God's servant, surrounded by a numerous band, and in the dew of her youth consecrated her life to God. It was no ordinary consecration — there was a strength and steadiness of purpose far beyond her years — it was the first step of a life wholly devoted to God.

December 5th, 1847, she writes in her journal : " To-day for the first time I have received the communion. If God spares my life another year, may I find that each day I have increased in holiness, and in the love of God. May I never receive the communion unworthily ; and may I each day become more like my Saviour, till at the end of life I be found perfect !"

The communion-season was ever a precious feast to her soul. August 6th, 1848, she makes this record in her journal: " Communionday ! I never have had like peace — I could almost feel that 'twas Jesus who broke the bread, and said, 'Love one another.' "

As before remarked, she was surrounded by many circumstances favorable to the development of elevated Christian character. The Church in Norfolk, for more than a quarter of a century, has stood forth, distinguished for zeal, life, spirituality, and a high standard of piety. In the bosom of such a Church the character of the young disciple rapidly ripened. Christian friends watched with delight her progress, as daily waiting upon the Lord, she renewed her strength. Soon there was seen a ripeness and maturity of Christian graces which made her the companion and even the adviser of those far more advanced in life. He who had called her to be His disciple, seemed to be preparing her for some special and important service ; and but a few short months elapsed before this purpose began to be disclosed.

CHAPTER III. A missionary's life chosen

The missionary work in heathen lands had early enlisted her deep sympathy and prayers. She had heard from the pulpit the call for laborers in Africa and China. Recognizing God's claim to her whole life, and feeling that she was "not her own," the question arose in her mind, why should not she become a missionary ? She was an orphan, with but one close and tender tie, a sister's love, to be rent by such a step ; and great as was the need of laborers in the home-field, yet greater and more pressing were the claims of the millions of the tribes of Africa, perishing without the light of the glorious Gospel. A few faithful missionaries were fainting under their burdens upon the shore of that dark continent. She would cast her lot with them. Her life should be devoted to the evangelization of Africa.

Miss Hale's decision to become a missionary to Western Africa was not attained without severe conflicts with her own heart, nor without much opposition from her friends. Doubts arose in her mind from the consideration of her youth. " Scarce sixteen," she writes, "I fear that I would hinder rather than assist the work; I shall ever pray that God may direct me in the way that I can best glorify His name." The same reason was urged against her going to Africa by a Christian relative. Quoting his letter, she writes, "lie thinks that I am too young, and would only be a hinderance. I cannot think as he does ; for, though I would expect suffering, still I should have strength given me to bear it." * * * "If I go, I will go cheerfully ; fori think no sacrifice is acceptable unless cheerfully made." * * * "Eegarcling the duties, I cannot tell how I am fitted for such a position, but there is an old saying in which I place much confidence, that 'where there is a will there is a way.' I am sure that I have the will to w^ork, and I should look to God to teach me the way. Where His will may now lead me, He only knows. "When I look back upon the past year, and think what and where I was, I wonder that I can ever think of forming one plan for my own action for even one day. still less for a longer period."