A pair of sixes, a farce in three acts

Front matter

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A Farce in Three Acts

Act I

Scene : Office of the Eureka Digestive Pill Company — Nezv York. At right rear is maim, entrance to office. At left rear is entrance from and into salesroom. R and L, down front, a/re entrances into offices of Nettleton and Johns, that at Right, being lettered "George B. Nettleton, Private" ; that at L, "T. Boggs Johns, Private." Typezvriter's desk at R, a little upstage. At L is a standing desk and high stool. Phone on desk. Over desk is a small Cashiers' zmndozv connecting zuith the salesroom. Safe in corner. Large letter file at rear. Other office furniture. At C is a six-foot table piled zvith violet colored pill boxes and literature. Big poster on rear zi'all advertising the Eureka pill.

Discovered: Sally Parker, the stenographer, seated at desk zvriting rapidly. Krome, the bookkeeper, on stool, zvorking over his hooks. Jimmy, the office hoy, enters, right rear zvith a package of letters. He carries part of them to Nettleton s office, part to Johns' office and the balance on Krome's desk.

Jimmy — Letter for you, Miss Parker !

Sally — Here Jimmy! (Handing a telegraph form) Ring for a messenger and get this off — right away.

Krome (as Jimmy starts toward Sally) — And ask the shipping clerk about this order. It's over a week behind and the customer's kicking like a mule.

Sally — Here Jimmy!

Jimmy (taking papers from Krome, Xing to Sally) — Aw, how many t'ings does yer want me to be doin' at de same time? I ain't no orty-mo-bile truck! (Jerks telegram out of Sally's hand.)

Sally — No ; you're a noisy little runabout that needs more spanking than you do cranking! (Writes on machine.)

Jimmy (smiling at her) — Say! If you was my wife, you know what I would do?

Sally— What?

Jimmy (sentimentally) — I'd take yer ona weddin' trip — to de very end of de world !

Sally — Oh, that would be nice.

Jimmy — An' den I'd drop you off.

(As Sally makes a movement toward him, half amused, half angry, Jimmy retreats.)

Krome — Get out of here.

(Jimmy exits right rear. Mrs. Nettleton enters left rear.)

(Krome turns quickly on stool.)

Oh ! Mrs. Nettleton ! Slipping quickly from stool, advancing and drawing out chair from table.) Come right in.

Mrs. Nettleton (pointedly ignoring Sally as she comes down) — How do you do, Mr. Krome? (As he indicates chair.) No, thank you. I haven't the time. Is Mr. Nettleton in his office?

(Sally glances at her and writes rapidly on machine.)

Krome — he's out at present. I'm expecting him any moment.

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh! How very annoying. (Glancing at watch.) I phoned him I would be here at twelve! (Starting to L.) I'll speak to Mr. Johns !

Krome — Sorry, Mrs. Nettleton, but he's out, too. Went over to the bank.

Mrs. Nettleton (turning) — I declare men are never in place when we want them. (To Sally, in annoyance at the

typewriting.) Er — Miss Parker — please It — it makes

me nervous. (As Sally stops writing and sits with her hands in her lap resignedly, Mrs. Nettleton turns to Krome.) Tell Mr. Nettleton I've gone to the station to meet Miss Cole.

Krome — Yes'm, I will.

Mrs. Nettleton — I'll be back in a little while and wish to see him particularly.

Krome (following her as she moves upstage) — ■Yes'm. I'll tell him.

Mrs. Nettleton (again ignoring Sally as she passes) — And say to him that I hope no stupid business Vv^ill interfere with my appointment a second time.

Krome (opening door and bowing her out) — Yes'm. Good morning. (Closes door and starts back to desk.)

Sally — Say, Charlie, wliat an old fool Adam was to ever part with that extra rib.

Krome — Well, it wasn't his fault, he was asleep at the time.

Sally — And you men have never waked up since. Miss

Parker — please — please (Imitates Mrs. Nettleton.

Jerks paper viciously out of machine and puts in another.)

Krome — What's the matter with Mrs. Nettleton?

Sally (with a short, angry laugh) — Oh, she's nice enough to you. You wear trousers! But did you see the way she looked at me? (Dates letter on machine — looks up.) Thinks every woman on earth is crouching like a tiger waiting to pounce on her precious, pudgy husband! (Starts to write, rises and advances.) And I'll tell you one thing, Charley, if this Miss Cole that Mr. Johns is so sweet on, isn't an improvement, I'm going to quit my job.

Krome — Well, I'm not worrying about the women, it's the men! I don't see why the bosses can't get on. A big, fine business — increasing every month — and yet they are quarrelling and fighting all day long.

Sally (polishing nails with handkerchief) — W^ell, / know why! Vanity! Mr. Johns invented a violet sugar coatingfor a pill, and believes he made the world! And as for Mr. Nettleton — he's making a perfect show of himself.

Krome — That's so ! It's all right to quarrel when youhave a failure, but our bosses are the only two idiots I ever heard of who couldn't get along when they had a success.

(Sally moves in her chair, making a display of her silk stockings. Jimmy enters from right rear, coming down to Krome.)

Jimmy — Mr. Krome, de shippin' clerk says (He stops

abruptly, looking at Sally's stockings out of the corner of his eye.) f, ^ , -^

Krome (turning on stool) — Well? What? ■ -" ' i

Jimmy — Well — well he did say somptin' — but — (again glancing at Sally) but it's gone clean out of me head.

Krome (severely, pointing right rear with ruler) — Well,, you take your head out there and keep your eyes on your work — where they belong.

Sally — Oh! (pulling down skirt) And you do the same — with yours !

Jimmy — De boss is comin' ! (Exit.)

(Sally runs to desk, sits and begins writing rapidly. Krome pulls off coat, crosses quickly to stool and becomes very busy.)

(Nettleton enters right rear. Starts down to his office at right front.)

Krome — Er — Mr. Nettleton — (as Nettleton pauses) your wife was here a few minutes ago, sir. (As Nettleton snaps fingers as though suddenly remembering.) She said she had an appointment with you.

Nettleton — That's so — by Jove ! Did you say I left word that I was called out on an important engagement?

Krome — No sir, I didn^t know you had one.

Nettleton — I hadn't! But next time work your imagination! (Starts to door and again stops.) By the way, Krome, did you finish up that advertising dummy?

Krome — Yes, sir. I was just completing it as you came in. (Takes up large sheet on which various advertisements are pasted in form of a page, and advances. Nettleton comes forward, meeting him at C.) There's one thing though, that

Nettleton (who has taken sheet, looks nervously at Krome, tapping center of sheet with his finger) — What's this? (Pause — Krome looks nervous — Nettleton speaks sharply.) I "thought I told you — distinctly — that the center of this page was to be occupied by my ad. concerning the medicinal qualities of our pill. And here I find this junk about a fashionable violet coloring. Pah! (Throws sheet on table.)

Krome — Yes, sir, I know I — I did fix it up in the way you told me, but Mr. Johns

Nettleton — Now never mind Mr. Johns ! You do what / say ! Understand ?

Krome — Yes, sir.

Nettleton — Then do it. (Turns away.)

Krome — I will, Mr. Nettleton, of course, but (picking

up sheet from table) but before this goes to the printer, I'll have to have Mr. Johns' O. K. and

Nettleton (wheeling) — There you go! Mr. Johns — Mr. Johns ! — Mr. Johns ! till I'm sick and tired of it. I'm the head of this firm, and the sooner you realize it the better. (Turning quickly.) You, too, Miss Parker.

Sally (jumping) — Yes, sir.

Nettleton (turning to Krome) — Think I'm carrying this whole business on my shoulders for fun? Who engaged you for your position, anyway?

Krome — Why — you did, sir.

Nettleton — All right. Then carry out my orders, or I'll discharge you. What this office needs is system, and I'm going to have it. System! (Exit.)

(Krome sighs and Xes to desk, taking up paste pot and a pair of shears.)

Sally (smiling) — What are you going to do, Charley?

Krome — The only thing I can do. (Holding up two advertisements the size of the center ad. on sheet.) I keep a stock of these on hand. Every time one boss kicks I paste his ad. over the other one.

Sally — How many have you now?

Krome (pasting) — Half a dozen! By the end of the week — if I last that long — this pile will be an inch thick.

(Johns enters from right rear.)

Sally — Oh Lord! Here's the other one! (Writes rapidly — Krome turns sheet over on its face and begins posting ledger.)

Johns (coming down and stopping at Krome's desk, taking out pass book and laying it on desk. Speaks cheerily) — Pass book, Krome. Discounted the Jennings' note and put Sherwood's in for collection. (Starts to leave, pauses and picks up sheet.) Oh! Hello! Finished the dummy, did you? Good boy! (Turns sheet over, looks at it, then slowly lowers his arm.) Krome!

Krome — Yes sir?

Johns (wearily) — This is the fourth time I find this absurd, inartistic and ridiculous cut in the middle of our advertising page — I told you to put mine there (Checking Krome as he tries to speak.) You ought to be able to understand a simple thing like that. If you don't

Krome- -I do, Mr. Johns, but Mr. Nettleton

Johns (checking him) — Now, now, cut out Mr. Nettleton ! Half the time he doesn't know what he's talking about, and the other half he's talking about what he doesn't know! (Door R slams.) You do what / tell you!

Krome — But — but how can I, when he insists on the opposite ?

Johns — And don't you know yet who the boss of this office is?

Krome (looking at floor) — I'm — I'm sorry, sir; but I don't!

Johns — Then I'll tell you — (turning to Sally) both of you — (back to Krome) /am! If it wasn't for me, this business would be just what it was the day I came in — a poor little sickly squirming baby, dying of cholera infantum.

Fve made it what it is, and

Krome — Yes, sir. I understand you — perfectly — but-

Johns — If Nettleton wants to countermand my order, you send him to me. Me! I'll show him who the boss is. (Tapping sheet with finger.) Now fix up this dummy and don't pay any attention to that one — and do it in the next ten minutes. (Tosses sheet on desk and starts to L.) It goes to the printers' — today!

Krome (following him) — But listen, Mr. Johns — please — I'm a poor married man — I'm doing my very best — (pointing to R.) but he says, if I don't do it, his way, he'll discharge me

Johns — Oh ! You're a poor married man. You love your family, don't you? Well then, you do it my way, or Fit discharge you! (Exit.)

(Krome rubs his forehead with sleeve and looks from one office to the other. Sally laughs.)

Krome (climbing slowly back on stool) — That's right — laugh !

Sally (laughing) — I can't help it, you old dear. You

looked so funny that I (Laughs again, but stops in

the middle of it as the two office buzzers sound almost simultaneously.) Good Lord! (She grabs up her stenographic book and looks from one office to the other, in doubt.)

Krome (turning with a grin) — Aha! Now you can see how funny it is.

Sally — Which one rang first ?

Krome — Neither. It was both at once.

Sally (crossing R) — Yes, I know, but if I go to Mr. Nettleton — (buzzer L, she turns and starts to cross L) and if I go to Mr. Johns — (buzzer R — starts R — both buzzers sound) Charley! which one must I go to?

Krome — Go to the one that will make you laugh the most.

(As she still hesitates — he points with ruler at the two offices. Stops as Johns enters from L.)

Johns — Miss Parker, bring your book

Sally — Yes sir. (Starts to follow him L when Nettleton enters R.)

Nettleton — Miss Parker ! One moment ! I thought you fully understood that when my buzzer sounded once — it meant that I wished to give dictation ?

Sally — Yes sir; I do understand it — but-

Nettleton — Then bring your book. (Turns to office.)

Sally — Yes sir. (Starts to follow him.)

J ohns — Hold on there !

Sally (hesitates between the two) — Yes sir — but you see — Mr. Nettleton

Johns — Never mind him — I rang first.

Nettleton — You didn't!

Johns — I did !

Nettleton — It isn't true, and I don't care if it is. im the senior partner in this firm — and propose to have my rights. (Turning to office.) Miss Parker, I'm ready with my mail.

Johns (stepping forward) — Oh no, you don't! The partners in this firm are equal ! I own fifty per cent, of the stock, don't I? And my mail is just as important as yours. Miss Parker will come into my office — at once.

Nettleton (grabbing her wrist) — Will she?

Johns (grabbing her other wrist) — She will!

Sally — Oh, please — please ! You are hurting my wrists — You— Oh— oh ! !

(In the following speeches Nettleton and Johns both speak together, angrily, each pulling Sally, she protesting, till there is merely a jumble of words.)

Nettleton — Now see here, Johns, I've stood your impudence just as long as I'm going to, and it's got to stop! You came in here as my assistant, and you think you're the whole works! I won't have it, I tell you, and you'd just as well understand it right now !

Johns (at the same time) — If you think you are going to interfere vvith the company's correspondence, just because of your own pig-headed selfishness, you've got another guess. I've got to get off my mail and I don't propose to do it with my hand.

Krome (protesting) — Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

(Sally pulls away and Johns and Nettleton stand scowling.)

Nettleton — See here, Mr. T. Boggs Johns ; did you engage Miss Parker, or did If

Johns — You did ! When I engage a stenographer, I get one that's worth something !

Sally (bridling up) — Oh, you do! Then I'll have you to know that I'm not dependant on this position for a living. If you want a typist that suits you — get one!

Johns — I will ! you're fired !