Standard book of etiquette, social forms and good manners for all occasions

Contents

CHAPTER PAGE

I. What Is Etiquette?. 9

II. Greetings and Salutations.12

Foreword

HE average American needs little advice on conduct-

A ing himself in a seemly manner in public. His be¬ havior and that of his family are such as one expects in a civilized country. But many a family that has general ideas on good behavior is puzzled as to what is the prefer¬ able course of procedure in some specific instance. The older books of etiquette do not take cognizance of the modifications wrought in the past quarter of a century nor the more radical changes of the past dozen years.

Changed conditions of living have modified our con¬ ception of what constitutes good manners in certain instances. We may know the procedure when we pay a call at a house, but what is the correct form when we call on friends who live in an apartment house where there is no hall attendant? Do we go directly upstairs or wait for a signal? Where do we leave our cards if nobody answers our ring? Then, too, what invitations may be issued by telephone and which still require the formal engraved in¬ vitation? Does the woman living alone have her full name on her letter box, and does she make a distinction between her business card and her social one ? What are the socially preferred hours for a wedding ceremony?

These and a hundred other questions may well puzz4e the man or woman who remembers the days when few homes boasted telephones; when our idea of a several-family house was a “tenement”; when few women, socially acceptable, lived alone, and still fewer entered business life; when the evening wedding was as popular as is the morning function today.

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Vlll

Foreword

Because the average book on etiquette takes little cogni¬ zance of changed procedure due to changed mode of living and still less of the fact that different parts of the country accept certain customs rejected by others, this book has been written. Its aim is to tell in a simple, easily-consulted form the accepted social procedure under given circumstances. When methods must be modified according to the amount of paid service one can command, methods in the servantless house, the house with one maid and the establishment with a retinue are all differentiated. When customs vary in dif¬ ferent parts of the country, this fact is noted.

The author has had the advice and assistance of those whose life has been spent in the best of American and European social circles as well as of those whose business it is to advise on entertaining, proper dress for various oc¬ casions and management of the household. In this way the local variations have been checked up and statements made as to the difference between the theoretically correct procedure and that commonly accepted.

The war brought a certain disregard for good manners. We are now on the return swing of the pendulum, and never before have we noted such universal interest in learn¬ ing proper social procedure as we do today. A training in the ordinary courtesies is being accepted as an essential part of a good education. And because of this widening interest the following volume has been written to tell the “what, when and how” of good manners and social life.

Chapter I WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

E TIQUETTE is the accepted conventional form of good manners required by the customs of polite society. A quiet, assured poise and ease of manner are gained only by the constant exercise of well-bred behavior. The person who “puts on good manners for company” may follow all the rules of etiquette, but will nevertheless lack the natural ease that stamps one “to the manner born.”

The dictates of etiquette are seldom the result of arbi¬ trary decision, being rather the outgrowth of experience or historic survivals. For instance, several modern customs date back to the days of knighthood. His lady’s safety dic¬ tated that her knight precede her in going down stairs and outdoors and that he follow her in entering any building or equipage and that he walk on the curb side of the pave¬ ment. In other words, he always maintained the position most convenient for guarding her from danger, and we see the survival of these precautions in the etiquette of today. Again, when two armored knights met, they raised their visors that they might see whether they faced friend or foe, and of this custom the raising of the hat is a reminder.

Time changes some customs, place modifies others, but well-bred people are much the same the country over. Slight variations are found in what best society considers etiquette under given conditions. Formal calls are fewer in busy New York than in many other cities; a chaperon is more fre¬ quently essential in the old Southern States than in the North or West. But, on the whole, good manners in one place are good manners in another. A courteous new-comer learns and conforms to local preferences, while a well-bred host is usually considerate and broad-minded enough to realize that slight mistakes in form may be due to customs of different localities, rather than willful disregard of convention.

In foreign lands the “best society” consists largely of the older aristocracy, of families noted for generations for their culture, and also some of the more brilliant and wealthy of those who have rendered conspicuous service to the State. Newer elements creep in, are tolerated for a generation and then either drop out or are able to entrench themselves firmly, according to their ability to conform to the demands of society.

In America the best society is usually considered that group whose families have had for generations a broad culture and association with European social life. Wealth may some¬ times open the doors to a newcomer, but he must offer more than wealth to make himself a part of the best society. A certain type of short story and of motion picture would make us believe that the beautiful cloak model, garbed in the latest styles and moving with undulating grace, can glide into circles of social standing and culture and, if she have money, become part of them. But it takes more than money and appearance to open society’s doors. The young woman would need the basic knowledge of art and literature, of sports and social procedure, that people of the best society expect as a matter of course; she would have to speak cor¬ rect English at least, if not foreign languages. In short, her wealth and beauty would need the reinforcement of culture that comes with generations of good education and gentle breeding.

Many newspapers blazon the names of women who give large and showy entertainments and make themselves promi-

What Is Etiquette?

nent in the society columns, yet such persons may be actually unknown to the best society of their home cities.

Best society is exclusive, and naturally so. But in our larger communities there are several desirable social groups and no one group can claim to embrace all there is of desir¬ able society. It takes time and practice to know all the details of polite behavior, but the person with well-modulated voice, a fair education and a knowledge of the required eti¬ quette on a given occasion is able to mingle with any group. And opportunity to know what is required on a given occa¬ sion is offered in the following pages.

Chapter II GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS

W HEN friends or acquaintances meet the bow is an al¬ most instinctive gesture of greeting. While a gentle¬ man is supposed to wait for recognition from a lady, and a younger woman for the bow of a matron, the greeting be¬ tween friends is usually simultaneous. But when meeting for the first time after an introduction, a gentleman waits to be first recognized by the lady.

When the Hat Is Tipped

A gentleman lifts or “tips” his hat as a conventional ges¬ ture of politeness under certain circumstances. When made to strangers this gesture is made without the accompanying smile and bow that are accorded acquaintances and friends. The hat is lifted an inch or two from the head, drawn slightly forward and then back to replace it. Merely putting the hand up in salute, unless one be a military man in uniform, is too much like the gesture of a servant in receiving an order and touching his cap in acknowledgment.

The hat is taken off with the left hand, or, if removed with the right, is transferred to the left so that the right hand is free for shaking hands. A stiff hat is held by the front of the brim in raising it. The soft hat must be taken by the front of the crown. An officer raises his cap by the visor.

No gentleman keeps cigar or cigarette in his mouth while he raises his hat, nor does he smoke while talking to a lady in a public place.

Men nod to each other, but a well-bred man raises his hat to one much older, a clergyman or other person of distinction.

Greetings and Salutations

In the South men are more likely to raise their hats to each other than in the North. Both ladies and gentlemen are punctilious in bowing to both their household and busi¬ ness employees when they meet them in public places, as well as to clerks who regularly serve them in shops they fre¬ quent, and they bow first, as self-respect keeps the others from forcing recognition.

A gentleman lifts his hat to women of his own family, showing the same courtesy to his young sister or daughter that he would to any lady, and ladies are similarly careful to exact and return the greetings of small boys in their families when they meet in a public place.

A gentleman lifts his hat slightly when a lady enters a public elevator on which he is a passenger if she steps by him; also if he is obliged to pass her in a narrow aisle or steps aside to allow her to pass. Similarly, he raises his hat if he restores a glove or other object dropped by a lady, and she should bow and smile in thanking him.

On a crowded street car, in offering his seat to a lady, a gentleman lifts his hat as he says, “Please take my seat,” and will again lift his hat when she says, “Thank you.” Not to thank a man who offers his seat, opens a window or per¬ forms some other little courtesy is a sign of ill-breeding on the part of any woman. Only if a woman is about to get off a car should she refuse a proffered seat, since to refuse without a valid, given reason is an unwarranted rebuff. If a gentleman accompanies a lady to whom some courtesy is offered he raises his hat to the other man in acknowledg¬ ment of the kindness.

A gentleman raises his hat when he asks a stranger a question, such as direction on a street, or when accosted by a lady with a request for some such information.

When a gentleman stops to speak to a lady on the street or in a public corridor, he removes his hat and, after greet¬ ing her, asks if he may walk a little way with her if he wishes to talk to her. He replaces his hat if they walk on together, but if they stand still and converse, the lady should suggest that he put on his hat, which he again raises at parting.

When the Hat Is Removed

Besides taking off his hat when standing talking to a lady on the street or in a public corridor, a gentleman re¬ moves his hat during the passing of the flag, and, in a foreign land, pays similar respect to the flag of that country. During the playing of the national anthem a gentleman stands with his hat off.

If the passing of a funeral compels a man to stand until it has passed he removes his hat while the cortege goes by. This custom is more rigorously followed in Europe, where men on a passing bus will take off their hats. In attending burial services hats are removed at the grave, al¬ though in colder climates the serious results to the living have modified this custom so that men sometimes stand with hand to hat-brim as if about to raise it. When the coffin is borne to and from the hearse, all stand bare-headed.

In some elevators, usually those in apartment buildings, hotels, clubs and some of the more exclusive shops and office buildings frequented by women, men remove their hats when ladies enter, but in the average office or shop ele¬ vator gentlemen remove their hats only when ladies of their acquaintance enter, or tip their hats if ladies step back to make room for them.

^Cutting”

No gentleman may ever cut any woman by refusing to recognize her greeting, and only for a most unforgivable

Greetings and Salutations reason may a lady cut a man whom she knows. It is easy enough to allow one’s gaze to turn elsewhere and avoid giving an unwelcome acquaintance a chance to bow. But cutting is done only under extreme provocation. Absentmindedness or defective sight may make a person pass an¬ other without recognition, but that is forgivable and not to be confused with the direct stare of the “cut” which refuses recognition while looking at the person.

If a person bows whom one cannot place, better bow slightly rather than run the risk of offending one whom you should know. Only if a person seems to be forcing acquaintance should return recognition be refused.

Other Customs

In meeting the same person several times within a short while, the bow is not repeated after the second meeting, a smile or seemingly accidental looking in the other direction saving the situation.

When a lady enters a room a gentleman always rises and stands until she is seated. In a public place he rises only for women of his acquaintance, if a lady addresses him or if those with whom he is seated rise. In a restau¬ rant, when a lady bows, a gentleman merely makes a motion as if to rise, bows and drops back into his chair, unless the lady comes to the table to speak to some one. In that case he rises and remains standing until she leaves or is seated at the table.

If a gentleman be with friends who greet a lady with whom he is unacquainted, he tips his hat without bow or smile. A lady usually bows very slightly when her companions bow to those who are strangers to her, unless she can have her attention seemingly turned else¬ where.

A gentleman in any public place with persons he would not wish ladies to meet should look away and avoid allowing ladies of his acquaintance to make the mistake of knowing him when he appears with undesirable com¬ panions.

A safe general rule is that public building corridors, public art galleries and hotel lobbies are the same as a public street in matters of etiquette.

When to Shake Hands

When shaking hands do so cordially, with a firm, quick hand-clasp that is neither lifelessly limp nor hard enough to hurt. Neither raise the hand high nor shake it, do not drop it quickly nor hold it over-long, but relinquish it quietly when the greeting is over.

It is the lady’s privilege to shake hands or not when greeting a gentleman. If he thinks she w r ill offer her hand he should raise his hat with his left hand so that his right is free to clasp hers. While a gentleman is not supposed to offer his hand first, should he absent-mindedly do so, the lady should not ignore the proffered greeting but should shake hands promptly. While she will not usually shake hands with friends casually met on the street, she will make exception for relatives of her future husband or close relatives of her own or the families of her intimate friends.

A hostess shakes hands with guests who come to her house and again when they take their leave. A gentleman usually removes his glove before shaking hands with his hostess, except at a dance or at the opera, and an usher never removes his glove.

In leaving an entertainment in a private home a gentle¬ man takes leave of his hostess and shakes hands, and may

Greetings and Salutations_ 17

do the same with his host and a few personal friends, but he does not go about making individual leave-takings.

A young girl waits for an elderly person or a matron to make the first move to shake hands. When introduced, two women may shake hands or merely bow, the latter being the usual procedure outdoors.

Chapter III INTRODUCTIONS HERE are few exceptions to the rule that a gentleman

JL is introduced to a lady. On informal occasions the word “introduce” may be used or the two names repeated without other phrase, but when making a formal introduc¬ tion it is preferable to use the word “present,” as:

“Mrs. Manners, may I present Mr. Young?”

Exceptions to the rule of presenting the gentleman to the lady are: the President of the United States, a reigning sovereign, a cardinal or a bishop. To these either a lady or a gentleman is presented.

“Mr. President, I have the honor to present Mrs. Man¬ ners, of Boston.”

The introduction to a cardinal is worded: “Your Emi¬ nence, may I present Mrs. Manners?”

To a king the real formality of presenting lists of names is gone through beforehand and the actual presentation of an accepted name is repeated by functionaries, the name alone, “Mrs. Manners,” being repeated to the sovereign.

One other possible exception to presenting the gentleman to the lady is that of a parent introducing a very young woman to an elderly and distinguished guest: “Mr. Achieve¬ ment,—my daughter, Marian.”

Use of Titles

The clergy are usually introduced as “Mister” unless they hold the title of Doctor, Bishop, Dean or Canon, or, in the case of a Catholic priest, the form “Father” is correct. A physician, judge, senator or foreign ambassador is always introduced by title, the senator even after he is out of office, although the President and Vice-President of the United

States, once their terms are over, are again introduced as “Mister.” The title is sometimes retained for an ex-judge who has served over a long period.

Most men who hold the title “Doctor” without being members of either the clerical or medical profession or uni¬ versity professors (doctors of laws or philosophy, for in¬ stance) prefer being addressed as “Mister,” and that is cor¬ rect form.

Cabinet members are introduced as “Mr. Secretary Blank,” and mayors and governors by their titles. The Duke of Somewhere and Lord Someone are introduced by these titles, but such phrases as “His Grace” and “His Lordship” are used by inferiors and not by social equals. “The Honorable” is addressed as “Mr. Important” or “Mrs. Important.”

And, excepting the few cases noted above, the gentleman is presented to the lady, no matter how distinguished he be or how unknown or young she may be.

Usual Forms of Introduction

When introducing two gentlemen to each other the younger or less eminent is presented to the other.

When two ladies meet, the unmarried woman is presented to the matron when both are about the same age, but a very young married woman may be introduced to an older or more distinguished unmarried one.

The more usual form of introduction used on all but the most formal occasions merely repeats the two names: “Mrs. Manners, Mr. Gregory,” the first being given with a slightly rising inflection as if the name were prefaced with, “May I introduce?” and the second name with falling inflection as if in answer.

In introducing a member of her family a hostess may say, “Mrs. Gregory, my daughter Alice,” or if the daughter be married, “Mrs. Gregory, my daughter, Mrs. Wayne-Smith,” or if the mother has re-married and her surname differs from that of her daughter, ‘‘Mrs. Gregory, my daughter, Alice Wayne.” She also mentions the surname of her mother, brother or sister, since these are not the same as her own. Her husband is usually introduced as “my husband, Mr. Smith,” although an Englishwoman would use merely the formal “Mr. Smith.”

While Mrs. Smith introduces her daughter to a lady or elderly gentleman as her “daughter Alice,” she would say only “my daughter” to a young man, because to call her “Miss Alice” (except in the South) is extremely bad taste, yet a young man must not be presented to “Alice.” He can easily find out her name later if he desires.

Other accepted phrases are:

“Mrs. Thomas, do you know Mrs. Young?” or “Mrs. Thomas, you know Mrs. Young, don’t you?” or “Mrs. Thomas, have you met Mrs. Young?” or “Mrs. Thomas, you know my daughter Alice, don’t you?” Phrases to avoid are: “make you acquainted with,” “shake hands with,” or, “Mr. Jones, meet Mrs. Thomas,” this last committing the added blunder of introducing the lady to the gentleman.

When two persons who are acquainted are presented to a third, it is quite correct to say, “Mrs. Manners, may I present Mr. Jones (glancing at him) and (turning to the other) Mr. Brown?” This is far less cumbersome than mak¬ ing two separate introductions, although the latter is not incorrect.

Reply to an Introduction The accepted phrase in acknowledging an introduction is, “How do you do?” The lady smiles and bows slightly as she uses the words, and she may offer her hand or not as she chooses; but if a gentleman proffers his hand it is dis¬ courteous on her part to ignore it, as many men little given to formal social life will mechanically extend their hand when introduced. Two men shake hands on being intro¬ duced ; two ladies may, or may not, do so.

In response to the “How do you do?” from a lady, a gentleman merely bows and smiles and waits for her to open the conversation. If she knows something of the person to whom she is introduced, or if the hostess has added a personal phrase to her introduction: “You are both symphony concert devotees,” or “You both have sons at Yale, haven’t you?” a topic of conversation is naturally provided. Otherwise, that never-failing first aid to small talk, the weather, may be used, or some similar general topic may be utilized. When two ladies are introduced to each other the elder is supposed to take the conversational lead.

Leave-Takings

On taking leave of a person to whom one has just been introduced a few moments before it is proper to say, “Good-by; I hope I shall see you again soon,” or “Good-by; I am very glad to have met you.” The latter phrase is preferable for the young or unknown person, as it then remains for the more important person to prolong or drop the acquaintance. The proper reply to such a remark is, “Thank you, I hope so too,” or merely “Thank you,” said with a courteous little bow and smile. Only when the two shall have found inter¬ ests that make for friendship is more informal and cordial leave-taking in order.

In leaving a group, whether introduced to them all or merely included in their general conversation, it is courtesy to bow, including any who may be glancing your way, but no formal good-bys are required.

Group Introductions

In any small assemblage the hostess introduces the new¬ comer to all the others, the gentleman being presented to the lady, of course; but at large affairs guests are either allowed to take care of themselves after greeting the hostess, or the latter will, after the formal greeting and a moment of wait¬ ing, if the guest does not seem to have found any acquaint¬ ances, again step forward and introduce her to some other guest.

If introduced to one person the introduction would be worded, “Mrs. Thomas, do you know Mrs. Young?” Un¬ less she is quite elderly, Mrs. Thomas rises and shakes hands with Mrs. Young. The hostess then may turn to a couple of young women near and continue, “Mrs. Vandergriff, Mrs. Gregory—Mrs. Young.” Mrs. Young is usually included in the ensuing conversation until she moves away after a short time and finds a place for herself.

Should the hostess for some reason fail to see that her guest is introduced, the latter finds a seat, and, if opportunity offers without forcing the conversation, she may chat with her neighbors, neither giving her name nor asking theirs. If one of them is really anxious to know the newcomer the hostess may be asked to introduce them to each other, or an intimate friend of the family may introduce herself. Other¬ wise, the acquaintance ends with the affair at which it com¬ menced.

A hostess does not rush a guest about introducing him to everybody present. In a small company the general in¬ troduction is easily managed. In a large party the introduc¬ tion is made to a few, including some intimate friends who will later introduce others. Sometimes an intimate friend of the hostess is delegated to look after newcomers. A hostess should never break into a lively conversation to introduce anyone, but may speak quietly to two or three on the edge of the group. As a gentleman must be introduced to a lady it is obviously impossible to introduce a lady to a mixed group in a form of general introduction.

Two or more friends meeting an acquaintance of one of them on the street or in any other public place need not make introductions unless the conversation be prolonged. The persons who are strangers to the one met usually stroll on slowly or glance away so that introductions will not be forced.

Self-Introduction

A gentleman asks the hostess to present him to a lady and does not presume to introduce himself unless he be a member of the family of the hostess, in which case he may say, “My wife is so busy she has quite forgotten me; so will you per¬ mit me to introduce myself: Arthur Grayton.” The lady responds with her name.

At very large, formal gatherings a guest seldom talks without introductions, except to one’s neighbor at dinner, where it is incumbent upon guests to introduce themselves, either lady or gentleman having the right to speak, the lady saying, “I am Mrs. Blank,” and the gentleman responding with, “How do you do, Mrs. Blank? I am Arthur Weston.” Or he may show his place-card, with, “May I introduce myself? This is my name,” or, having noted the name on her place-card, he says, “Mrs. Blank, I am Arthur Weston.” The lady gives her name and they converse during the meal, though acquaintance ends with the evening unless they dis¬ cover mutual interests and desire to know each other.

A lady may introduce herself to another if they have mutual friends or if one is a close friend or relative of close friends of the other. For instance, Alice Gregory may say to Mrs. Thomas, “Mrs. Thomas, you are a friend of my aunt’s, aren’t you? I am a niece of Mrs. Bellamy Weston.”

Naturally the lady responds cordially, saying she is glad the younger woman spoke to her. An older woman may in¬ troduce herself to a younger one whose family she knows well or who is a friend of the elder woman’s daughters. Simi¬ larly a young man may introduce himself to older folk. But never should there be a self-introduction where one may be suspected of using slight mutual bonds to aid one in social climbing.

Avoiding Introductions

Introductions should never be refused in the hearing of the person to whom one is to be introduced, but out of hear¬ ing a valid reason (such as family or business enmity) may be offered: “Our families are not friendly; so perhaps we had better not meet.” If the hostess unwittingly makes such an introduction or offers it in the presence of both parties, well-bred people will acknowledge the introduction formally, make a few impersonal remarks and separate as soon as they can do so without raising comment.

If an introduction is asked for that the hostess thinks will be unwelcome, she may offer to arrange it later and then con¬ veniently forget to do so. Never remind a hostess of re¬ quested introductions. If she is not sure what to do she may ask the person to whom introduction has been requested, whether she will permit Mr. Thomas to be introduced, and be guided by the preference expressed.

Forgotten Introductions

Do not remind people of a previous introduction if they do not seem to recollect it, but if one is introduced to the same person twice at the same gathering it is quite correct to say, “I have already met Mrs. Thomas.”

If addressed by somebody you fail to recollect do not deny acquaintance, but carry on an impersonal conversation and try to place the speaker. If this brings no recollection, ask the hostess in private the name of the person to whom you have been talking. If you feel sure the person is a stranger deliberately forcing an acquaintance, your manner may be so cold as to force him to withdraw shortly, but do not risk hurting the feelings of a well-meaning person in this manner unless very sure of your suspicions.

In a large city where people meet a constant stream of newcomers nobody should take offense at not being remem¬ bered and accept a second introduction without explanation.

Should a person persistently address you by the wrong name it is quite correct to say, “My name is Gregory, not Gramercy,” but let the matter pass if it happens only once or twice.