Marriage and efficiency

Front matter

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BY

MEMBER ASSOCIATION OF MILITARY SURGEONS, U. S.

Introduction

IE pursuit of happiness is Man's strongest latural urge. It is dignified in the American )eclaration of Independence as one of the laHenable rights endowed by the Creator. )riental philosophy in its ancient wisdom has mg claimed that happiness expands the con- [^iousness, and defines it as *'moreness of the 5elf/' And now in our own day Western :ience has discovered that happiness, health, md efficiency are directly related, and in a leasure interdependent ; thus linking up with ^he older axiom, ''The purpose of philosophy jis the end of pain/'

Bards and poets of all ages have lauded larriage as the Temple of Happiness, and all ^ho have entered marriage have done so mainly in the pursuit of happiness. Many who have found therein bitter disappointment

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INTRODUCTION

believe that married felicity is a phantom whose only purpose is race perpetuation. But still for the vast majority marriage holds its ancient place in minds and hearts as the most beneficent giver of happiness and heart rest.

Many books tell of marriage and its problems. But all that I have read, with one splendid exception, lack the feature absolutely necessary to make them really and practically helpful, and without which all the rest counts for little — frankness. That lack I have tried to supply in this book. It may be thought by some that in my frankness I have reached toe primary a level of crude simplicity in dealing with the subjects of personal mannerisms and habits ; it may be thought that the cultivated intellectual person stands in no need of instruction on these points to the extent to which I have gone.

Professional and social observation force me to take the opposite view, and have awakened me to the startling latitude which many persons of real refinement unconsciously allow themselves in this same field of personal

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INTRODUCTION

habits. And yet a very little honest self-examination will convince anyone how easy it is to drift into sins of omission and carelessness until they become habits, and habits that make one less lovable and less attractive. Therefore I have deliberately painted these dangers in strong colors, being convinced from personal observation that too much stress can hardly be laid on them in this connection. I Physicians, more than any others, necessa- ! rily have opportunities to see and know people as they are^ in happiness or sorrow, in the I midst of their problems and their ignorance, j divested of shams and camouflage. Hence the \ true physician stands in the place of a conj fessor, for with his wider knowledge of life, I and of causes and effects, he, more than any I priest, has the great privilege of leading people j out of the sins and sorrows of ignorance into 1 the happiness of right knowledge. I This book is not addressed to physicians and ^ scientists but to the educated and cultured j laity. It tells people the practical and essen- I tial things that physicians seldom tell ; not that

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INTRODUCTION

physicians desire to withhold helpful information, but because hardly one in ten considers the question from any but the materialistic side.

In the final stmiming up, the things really worth while are the heart ties. Intellect and its achievements are sterile, except as they minister to Love in its widest aspect as Service. Furthermore, Intellect can never do its best work until liberated from emotional stress, until the heart is at rest.

Love has nothing to fear from Truth, but selfishness has everything to fear. Selfishness and ignorance are the twin deadly enemies of Love, thriving in secrecy and darkness, but disintegrating in the light of Truth. It can be confidently said to many, if not yet to all, whose lives are darkened by married unhappiness, ''The Truth shall make you free.''

CHAPTER I DEALS AND Conditions

tie Dream of Union — Disillusionments — Alternatives — Pessimistic Explanation — Intuitive Convictions — Love Superlative — Ignorance and Inharmony — Social Lessons — Strains on [Friendships — Relativity of Friendship — Friendship and Sex — Bulwarks of Society — Dangerous Tendencies — The Problem, Old and New — Happiness and PubHc Health — Heart Hunger — The Question of Satisfaction — Camouflage or Facts — Bernard Shawns Alternative — -General Causes of Married Unhappiness — Ignorance — Selfishness — Carelessness — Lack of Frankness — Economic Stress — Unhappiness Mostly Preventable.

Chapter II !^ermanent Incompatibilities

»Jormal Physical Basis Essential — Beauty and Love — Quixotic Sentiments — Eugenic Crimes — **A11 Defectives are Bad " — Age — Health — Habits — Snoring — Religion -—Temperament — Selfishness — Caste — Interests — Economic Stress.

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Chapter III

Important Rediscovery — Essential in Sex Education — Menstruation — Ebb and Flow of Sexual Tide — Rhyth-

xi mic Alternations — Exceptions — "Psychological Moments" — ** Love at First Sight" — MateriaHstic Theory — Other Hypotheses — Glamour of the Moment — Perception of the Beautiful — Sick Bed Romances — Inept Conclusions — ^Average Marriages Motivated Solely by Sex — Why Not? — Where Discrimination Needed — Reciprocity — Birth Control.

Chapter IV

"Old Wives for New" — Personal Carelessness Frequent — Professional Observations — Delicacy and Sensitiveness — Effects of Odors — Perfumes — Emanations — Mutual Care before Marriage — Mutual Negligence after Marriage — Vital Importance of Daily Bath — Offensive Breath and its Causes and Remedies — Care of the Feet — Their Frequent Negligence — Prevention and Cure of Sweating and Smelling of Feet — Excessive Perspiration and Remedies — Hygiene of Menstruation — Carelessness of Many Women — Separate Beds — Example from Balzac — Disgust from Vile Personal Odors — Psychic Shock and Sexual Coldness — "Cleanliness is Next to Godliness."

Chapter V

Offenses to the Sight — Neglect in Dress — Modesty and Nudity — Small Irritations — Artificial Standards — Early Training — Practical Importance of Non-Essentials — Individual Conceptions of Manners and Vulgarity — Pipe Smoking at Home — Indifference to Comfort of Others — Inopportune Requests — Pipe Smoking as a Result of Chronic Irritation — Anaesthetic Effects of Alcohol and Tobacco — Bad Temper and Nagging — Be a Sport or Quit — Fresh Air Fiends and Otherwise —

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Live and Let Live — Give and Take — Cultivate Adaptability.

Chapter VI

Universal Property of Matter — Fatigue and Pain — Nature's Warnings — Law of Alternation — Action and Repose — Uninterrupted Pleasure may Become Pain — Bodies and Sense Organs Tire — Beauty Itself Remains — Need for Periods of Solitude — Experience Built into Character — Effects of Great Experiences — Meditation — Emotional Stagnation — Physical Analogies — Reactions of Electrified Bodies — Human Analogies — Child and Parents — Magnetism and Demagnetization — The Kiss of Welcome — Polarization — Sympathetic Vibration — Response and Thrill — Fatigue or Excitement — Laws of Human Attraction and Repulsion.

I CHAPTER VII

I Conventional Bogies . . . .82

Double Beds — Obsolete Custom — Modern People more Highly Strung — Continuous Intimacy and Nerve Strain — Frankness Lacking — Enduring each other when Tired — Mutual Demagnetization — Siamese Twin Ideal — Typical Examples — Family Fixations — Herd Instinct — Oriental and Continental Customs — Tiresome Relatives in Home — The Mother-in-law — Home Should be First — False Pride — Shyness — Sensitiveness — Misunderstandings — Polarization — Heart Isolation — Reunion.

Chapter VIII

Frequency of Jealousy— Doubt — Fear — Humiliation — Anger — Resentment — Hatred — Revenge — Desire to

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Hold— To Get Rather than to Give— Vanity— Self-love — ^Jealousy, Wounded Vanity and Wounded Self-love — Jealousy Irritating — Criticism and Protest — Demands, Rights and Inspiration — Touchiness and Inferiority — Jealousy the Negation of Love — Tears — , Heroines of Old-fashioned Novels — Poetic Misconceptions — Beauty and Tears — The Facts — Tears and Lack of Self-control — Personal Carelessness — Bad Temper — Complete Polarization — Mutual Disgust — Conventional Jealousy — Knowledge the Remedy — Law Suits for Alienation of Affections.

CHAPTER IX Variety of Interests . . . .105

Work in Common — Mutual Interests — Separation and Reunion — Basis of Real Friendships — Several Mutual Interests — The Sex Element — Romance and Poetry of Life — Variety the Spice — Man's Kaleidoscopic Ideal of Woman — Variety in Moods — Variety in Capacities — Ordinary Friendships — Many-sided Personalities — Sharing of Interests — Friendships in Marriage — ^Alternation of Interests — Use and Abuse — Laws of Attraction not Altered by Marriage — The Cycle of Friendship — The Cycle of Mutual Interest — Intimacy and Separation — Deductions from Marriage, Courtship, and Illicit Love — Factors in Disillusionment — Continuous Intimacy — Conventions and Necessity — Romance can be Conserved.

Chapter X

Oriental Psychology — The Emotion of Beauty — Love and Beauty — Beauty and Attraction — Individual Concept of Beauty — A Working Definition — Beauty and Inspiration — Beauty and Sex — The Mutual Response —

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The Effect on Conduct — Beauty as a Divine Thing — Essential Considerations in Married Happiness — Transference to Child — Absolute Need for Co-operation in Work or Service — The Individual Ideal of Beauty — If Definite it should be Sought for — Fate or Chance — Fetiches — Ideals of Beauty of Special Parts of Body — Examples — Importance for Durable Love — Physical Ideals and Inner Needs — Complements — Affinities — Sense of Duty — Where Wrong Comes in — One Continuing to Love; the Other Ceasing to Love — Conditions Responsible — Inspiration Lost — Fatigue — Psychic Shock — Transference — Quality of the Love — Indifference and Effort — Polarization — Unselfishness — Preconceived False Ideals of Love — Knowledge of Laws.

Chapter XI

\ > Contract of Marriatge— Former Ideas as to Marital Rights — Examples — Great Improvement over Past — Indicates Development of "Community Conscience" — Promises to Love and Honor — Psychological Impossibilities Unless Inspired — How to Hold a Love — Inspiration the Only Way— Suggestions — Habits and Mannerisms — Privacy and Reserve — Reproaches and Demands — Love to Give, Not to Get — Restore the Conditions before Marriage — Other Friendships — Fundamental Differences in Sex Expression — First Principles — The Eternal Woman — The Age-old Way — Equal Powers and Opportunities of the Sexes — The Woman's Part — Knowledge and Wisdom — Personal Attractiveness of Woman an Inspiration to Man — Nature's Way — Fancies and Affinities — Causes for Straying of Interest — Personal NegHgence — The Way to Recover — Polarization and Repression — Transference as an Emotional Outlet — Finesse and Graciousness — Their Practical Value — Frankness and Finesse

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— Rupert Hughes on Marriage — Is Marriage a Bunco Game? — The Golden Rule— Always Show Each Other only One's Best Side after Marriage as before.

Chapter XII

Psychology of Professional Attitude — Its Contrasts — Psychology of Subject Ignored — Opposing Viewpoints Max Huhner on Continence — His Citations from Old Writers — Psychology and Psychoanalysis Ignored — Conventional Attitude — Effects of Continence — Transformation or Repression — Sex a Personal Matter — Considerations Affecting Continence — Fidelity and Monogamy — Right Social Evolution — Suffering Inflicted — Secrecy and Deception — Self-respect — ^Esthetic Considerations — Attimement — Risk of Disillusionment — Friendship and Inspiration — Remorse — The Happiness of Others Concerned — Self-control — Fidelity — Meaning of the Word — Law and Church — Mental Fidelity — Physical or Heart Fidelity — The Bible on Fidelity — Treatment of N^- lected Mates — Divided Interests — Effects on Conduct — Two Examples — Their Frequency — Superficial Judgments — ^A Broader View — Forel and Mental Substitution — Conflicting Opinions — Psychology of Forel Method— The Wife's Attitude—The Part of the Other Woman — Vicarious Fidelity — Ideals and Realities — Interest and Inspiration — Sex Interest Involuntary — Facts and Frankness — Individual Development and Conduct — Conventions Serve Race Needs — Self Control and Progress.

Chapter XIII

Remarkable Interest in Psychoanalysis — Psychoanalysis and Psychology — Psychology Appeals to Intellect —

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Psychoanalysis Appeals to Emotions — New Light on Sexual Question — Excessive Application of Sexual Theory — Causes for It — The ''CEdipus Complex" — Examples of Misapplication — Profound Influence of Psychoanalysis on Modem Thought — The Unconscious and its Activities — Psychic Energy and Creative Force — The Urges — Dream Signification as Index of Emotional Stress and Needs — The Censor — Dream Symbolism — Unfulfilled Desires — Rationalization and Self -analysis — Adverse Criticism — Examples — Contrast — Repressed Desire and Compensatory Antagonistic Outer Attitudes — Examples — Anthony Comstock — Hysteria and Neuroses — Their Frequent Origin in Unhappy Marriages — Their Ultimate Causes — Psychoanalytic Treatment — Success Depends on Will Power of Patient — The Reverse of Hypnotism — Examples of Treatment — Removal of the First Cause — Importance of Knowledge of Female Sexual Cycle in Psychoanalytic Treatment — Moral Courage and Truth.

CHAPTER XIV Individualism and its Consequences . .183

Modem Growth of Individualism — Increased Mental and Emotional Activity — Woman's Suffrage — Protected Lives of our Female Ancestors — Their Subservience and Dependence — The New Order — AU that it Means — Importance of Right Trend of Individualism — A Common Working Rule of Conduct — Social Conventions and Sexual Freedom — Personal Responsibility for Example Set — William James on Habit — Individualism and License — Dangers of Free Love — IndividuaHsm in Marriage — Mismating — Reactionary Fears — The Old and the New — Love with and without Imagination — Reactionary Ideal is Inferiority — Divorce — United Opinion of Deepest Students — The Highest Good—- The Attitude of the Church—

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Effects of Freedom of Divorce — The Inevitable — Fairness towards Women — The Profound Symbolism of Short Skirts — Fashions and the Church.

Chapter XV

A New Type of Young Woman — Her Sex Standard — Facts about the Girls Themselves — Origin of Their Psychology — Marriage and Poverty — Influence of Education — Dread of Economic Slavery — Primitive Psychology of Female Chastity — Its Change under Modem Economic Stress — The Call of Sex — Free Love or Marriage? — The Handwriting on the Wall — The Need for a Constructive Alternative — W. L. George on the American Woman — Her Intolerable Economic Situation — Wife or Mother? — Domestic Drudgery — Lack of Understanding by Men — Frugality of our Early Ancestors — Incidence of Wealth — Idleness, Sex License and National Decay — Economic Causes — Modem Times and Machinery — Adam Smith and Later Observers — The Capitalistic System and the War — Slaves of the System — The Advent of Henry Ford — The Blind Momentum of the System — The Economic Problem and the Marriage Problem are Inseparable — The Signs of the Times.

CHAPTER XVI Monogamy and Progress . . . . 210I

National Sex Standards and Strengths — Northman and Latin — Outward Standards of Monogamy — Northern Attempt at Self-control in Sex — Latin Contempt for Same — Northern Ideals — Latin Cynicism — Turkey and Polygamy — Northern Nations Dominate Modem World— Psychology of Self-Control in Sex— Its Effect on Character and Efficiency — Male Tendency is Towards Polygamy — Female Tendency against Po-

xviii lygamy under Living Conditions — Present Tendency Result of Economic Stress — Monogamy Chosen by All Advanced Peoples — Indicates Woman's Growing Influence and Inspiration — Plurality of Women in Europe Following the War — Conventional Morality or Temporary Polygamy? — Their Practical Results — Conventions and Emergencies — National Birth Rates — Lesson of Monogamy in Self-control — Ideal of One Woman Ennobling — The Brighter Future.

Chapter XVII

His Views on Patriotism and Marriage — True for Majority — Require Modification for Minority — True Patriotism not Blind to Country's Faults — Love of Country not Necessarily Belief in Its Superiority — Recognition of Principle of National Equality — People of Mixed Stock Can and Do Love Two Countries Equally — Patriotism and Duty — Duty is Where Citizenship — Marriage — Can One Love a Third and Remain True? — Psychology of Love — Inspiration — Involuntary Reaction of Love — The Right Course of Action — Unselfish Love the Best Guide to Conscience — Analogy between Loving Two Countries and Two Men or Women — Love for Another Cannot be Killed but its Outer Expression can be Controlled by the Will — Richard Wagner — The Inspiration of a Great Love — Roosevelt and his Inspiration — Man's Greatest Monument to Woman and Wife — The Realized Ideal — Peter the Great.