Bunkoed b'gosh!

Front matter

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Chapter One

I We often hear of the average man. We hear

that the average man is for this, and the average man is for that.

A President, on the high seas, returning from Europe with a league of nations treaty, wire¬ lesses the National Senate not to discuss the pro¬ visions of that treaty until he has had opportun¬ ity to explain it to that body.

It must be that the President deems explana¬ tions to that Senate necessary. Certainly, he wouldn^t wireless if he didn’t. Either the Presi¬ dent considers the treaty complicated, or the Sen¬ ate dull. The President has read the treaty; and he knows the Senate. So, take your choice.

A day or two after wirelessing the Senate, the

I President lands in Boston. And he makes a

I I speech. In that speech he declares that he be-

\ lieves that the average man, the man in the street,

is for the league of nations treaty. So? Well, it must be, then, that the average man, the man in the street, understands that treaty.

A man, certainly, can’t be said to be for some¬ thing that he doesn’t understand. Or, if he may be said to be for something that he doesn’t un¬ derstand, of what importance is it that he is for it, since he doesn’t understand it?

No, the average man, the man in the street, understands that treaty and is for it. That is what the President must mean. And the Presi¬ dent knows the average man, too.

So, we have it: National Senate, a little dull, needs explanations; average man, brighter, needs no explanations; opinion of the President of the United States.

‘‘Actions speak louder than words,” it is said; and the President, fully advised, not only acts but speaks.

Well? Suppose the average man, the man in the street, is for the treaty; what of that? What has that to do with it?

Why, there is the further implication, that, if the average man is for it, it should be accepted, ratified; and that all well understand that. That is what the President means.

And so, we have another conclusion; what the average man wants done, should be done.

Put these two conclusions together, and we have; the average man is brighter than the National Senate, and, what the average man wants done, should be done.

That being the case, can anyone tell me why the average man should not be in the National Senate, to ratify the treaty, and to do whatever

THE AVERAGE MAN he wants done? I can tell you why he isn^t there: it^s because he is being Bunkoed Gosh!

I would like to meet that Average Mann. If I should meet him I would try to get him oif some place where we would be all alone; just he and I. If I could do that I would give him a talking to. I would talk to him like a Dutch Uncle.

I would begin by telling him a little story. It ^s about a game that was once played up in the north country, and not so long ago; one of those games known as a bunko game.

The story goes: One day one of those workers in the woods, to whom the name, lumber-jack, is applied, drew his wages and went to town. He hadnT been long in town before he landed in a saloon.

When he came into that saloon he found there, the saloon-keeper, the bartender, and one other, a man, who, seated at a table, was engaged in a game of solitaire, a traveling salesman, whiling away the time until the arrival of his train.

The lumber-jack refreshed himself, and then, being in a playful mood and craving excitement, inquired for a game. There was no game. But the saloon-keeper, anxious to entertain his cus¬ tomer, and, with an eye to sales, offered to match coins with the lumber-jack for the drinks.

His offer was promptly accepted. Each pro¬ duced a silver dollar and they proceeded to match.

Now, the game of matching coins is played in this way: One takes the even side, and the other takes the odd side. Each lays down a coin, con¬ cealed by the hand. The hands are then removed.

If the coins show the same side up, the even man wins; otherwise the odd man wins.

The game is absolutely fair, since chances are absolutely equal.

This game between the lumber-jack and the saloon-keeper went on for a little while, but was soon changed to matching coins for the dollar instead of the drinks. And, it was not long be¬ fore the bartender took a hand, thus making it a three-handed game.

In a three-handed game it is the odd man who wins. And that game is absolutely fair, since chances are absolutely equal.

The three-handed game then continued for some little time and with no marked change in the for¬ tunes of those engaged.

Soon, however, the saloon-keeper excused him¬ self for a moment and retired to an adjoining room, and shortly, he called the bartender to him on some pretext or another. They exchanged a few words, and the bartender returned, followed in a moment by the saloon-keeper; and the three-handed game was resumed.

But, remarkable as it may seem, the resumption of play was followed by a disastrous change in the fortunes of the lumber-jack.

Thereafter, as often as he laid down a dollar, he lost it. And it didnT make a bit of difference which side of the coin he laid down; either the bar¬ tender or the saloon-keeper was always odd, and took the money.

The play continued until the lumber-jack had lost all his money. The saloon-keeper then

A BUNKOED LUMBER-JACK 9 treated the drinks, and the lumber-jack drifted out.

The salesman arose and followed him out. He overtook the lumber-jack, and led him around the corner where they were all alone. There he talked to him for a long while.

He told that lumber-jack just what had been done to him. He told him that, when the saloon¬ keeper and the bartender were in that side room, they had come to an agreement, formed a plan, whereby it was arranged that one of them should always lay the coin down with a certain side up, and the other with the opposite side up, so that, thereafter, no matter which side of the coin the lumber-jack laid up, he was always matched, never odd, and therefore always losing, never winning. The lumber-jack had been Bunkoed Gosh!

Having told the lumber-jack of the trick that had been played upon him, the salesman did not stop; but he went on and told that lumber-jack how, if he ever engaged in a three-handed game of matching again, he could avoid all danger of being so cheated again.

He told that lumber-jack, that in a three-handed game, he must always insist that the coins be, not laid down, but tossed into the air and allowed to fall upon the floor, so that it will be a matter of chance as to which side of one^s coin shall be up.

The lumber-jack, his face bearing an expres¬ sion, a mixture of suspicion, insolence, and puzzlement, listened to all the salesman had to say. But when the latter was through, the lumber¬ jack only gave him one long, searching look, turned upon his heel, and walked away, without a word. Nothing in his manner nor in his actions indicated whether he refused to believe, doubted, understood, or had determined to think the mat¬ ter over.

The lumber-jack went back to work and soon had earned some more wages, which he drew and went to town again, bringing up in the same saloon. The same bartender and the same saloon¬ keeper were present, and it was not long before the three-handed game of matching coins was pro¬ posed. The lumber-jack accepted. But this time he insisted that each man toss his coin into the air and let it fall upon the floor. Either the idea had sifted through, or the lumber-jack had deter¬ mined to play the game in a way that he knew to be fair.

After telling this story to Average Mann, I would ask him what he would do if he were to match coins with that bartender and that saloon¬ keeper: whether he w^ould allow them to lay the coins or would insist that they be tossed into the air?

And I have faith enough in the intelligence of Average Mann to believe that Average Mann would reply that he would insist that the coins be tossed into the air.

Upon his so replying, I would say to him, ‘‘Well now. Average Mann, I want to show you that you are the victim of a plan arranged for the express purpose of depriving you of every chance, and which does in fact deprive you of every chance, just as the plan arranged between the

PRELIMINARY saloon-keeper and the bartender deprived the lumber-jack of every chance to win.

To make it clear to you may require more words than were required by the salesman to show the lumber-jack, but if you will lay aside all your prejudices, and consider points as I shall raise them, with such reasonable open-mindedness as one should exercise toward another who seeks only to show that other where he is being cheated, I think that, when I am through, you will see clearly that you are now being, and have always been, as thoroughly bunkoed as was that lumber¬ jack: or, if I should fail to convince you that you are being bunkoed, that at least, I will have raised such a reasonable doubt in your mind, such sus¬ picion, that you will conclude to insist, that the game you are engaged in, be played in a way that you know to be fair.

What I wish to show you has to do with you and your government, and your relation to that gov¬ ernment. Now, there are men who will prick up their ears at any new proposition for making money, who will listen attentively to any new proposition in regard to their business, but who will turn a deaf ear at once when the word gov¬ ernment is mentioned.

Such men are of two classes: first, those who know very well that there are many wrongs in the government, but who also know very well that they do not lose because of those wrongs, but gain because of them; and, second, those who know that the wrongs are there and that they suffer from them, but who long ago have given up in despair of ever having them righted.

Those of the first class are as uninterested in new ideas of government as the saloon-keeper and the bartender would have been in tossing the coins, if the salesman, during the course of the game, had proposed it. They are satisfied as it is, thank you I

Those of the second class, those who give up in despair of ever having wrongs righted, may be compared to a child, who, wishing some water, attempts to carry it in a sieve, and, on failing each time, gives up, and decides there is no way in which water may be carried.

You, Average Mann, do not belong to the first class, I know, for you are not getting what you are entitled to. And, I am pretty sure, you do not belong to the second class, for, I have been watching your attempts at making things right, and, I believe that you know of the wrongs and are searching for a remedy, looking for a way to right them. And while I have been watching your at¬ tempts, Average, and noting your repeated fail¬ ures, I have come to the conclusion that you, like the child attempting to carry water in a sieve, are using the wrong means to accomplish your end; you are going at it the wrong way; you know there is something the matter, but you do not seem to realize just where the trouble lies.

So, Average, I hope that you will attend care¬ fully while I explain to you the Greatest Bunko Game On Earth.

The Greatest Bunko Game on Earth

**Be not so bigoted to any custom as to worship at the expense of truth** —Zimmerman.

Chaptee Two

And let me say at the beginning that I shall not attempt to have you discard any political prin¬ ciples that you now hold. Whatever political principles you hold are yours, and you have a right to them. It matters not, whether you are prohibitionist, or wet, socialist, or single-taxer, nonpartisan leaguer, or farmer-labor man, repub¬ lican, or democrat; you may keep right on being just what you are, and yet, agree with the views that I hold. What I shall propose to you is only another way of settling the same issues, another way of getting at and finding out the majority opinion.

Take the case of the lumber-jack again. When the three-handed game was being played, the issue was, who should get the money. And that issue was settled by laying the coins, and that manner of settling the issue was fair until the saloon¬ keeper and the bartender organized against the lumber-jack, and so deprived him of every chance to win.

Now, when the salesman talked to the lumber¬ jack he didnT preach to him the wrong in gambling. He didn’t try to convert the lumber-jack to another principle. He only explained to the lumber-jack, how, if he wished to match coins three-handed again, he should insist it be done so that there would be no danger of his being cheated. In other words, he showed the lumber¬ jack another way of settling the same issue, and a safer and better way. And that is all that I wish to do with you. Average; show you a ditferent, a better, and safer way of settling the same issues.

Now, you. Average, are engaged in a sort of game, a venture, a venture called government. Government is organized to establish justice be¬ tween man and man, between groups of men and other groups of men; to see that all get a fair deal. That is the great purpose of government.

But, we see the farmers organizing, the labor¬ ing men organizing, the bankers organizing, and numerous other classes organizing, according to their interests. Inquire of any of them why they are organizing, and you will be told that it is to get their rights, to protect their interests, to get a fair and square deal, justice. A government was organized to establish justice. Then other organ¬ izations are formed to fight that government for justice, to get it to go to work and establish jus¬ tice.

Now, Average, if you employed a servant to work for you, you would expect that servant to go to work with a good will, and do willingly, what he was employed to do, wouldn’t you? If you had to stand right over that servant and watch him every minute, and prompt him, and prod him on to do just what you had employed

GOVERNMEISTS him to do, you would consider him a very poor servant, wouldn^t you?

Well, Average, that is just the way your gov¬ ernment works at establishing justice. It doesn’t w^ork at the job at all unless those who suffer in¬ justice, organize, and spend a lot of time and money, prompting it, and proding it on to do just what it was organized to do. Surely, there is something wrong about that government. It doesn’t work willingly and freely at the job. And such a vast sum is paid for the purpose of govern¬ ment! It will cost sixty dollars for each man, woman and child in the nation, this year, for the national government, only!

A just government. Average, a successful gov¬ ernment, one that performs its duty, freely and willingly, will be on the job all the time, and when¬ ever and wherever it sees injustice, it will at once take steps to remove it. It will not wait until those who are suffering from that injustice, or¬ ganize, and prod it. It will be looking round for injustice, ever ready to pounce upon it and over¬ come it, as a cat looks for a mouse. And it will know about injustice as soon as they who suffer from it know about it. It will see injustice threat¬ ening, and will take steps necessary to ward it off.

For instance. Average, your government knows that, whenever it goes to war, the cost of living will go up. And it knows why that is, and what to do to prevent it. But when the cost of living went up your government took thousands of dol¬ lars of your money to investigate why it went up—bluff investigations to fool you. And it has taken no steps whatever to prevent a repetition of the same thing in case of another war. The right kind of a government wouldnT act that way, Average.

The people organized a government to establish justice, fairness. It is because that government doesn’t do that which it was organized to do, be¬ cause it doesn’t establish justice, doesn’t establish fairness, freely and willingly, that other organ¬ izations must form to prod it.

A government will establish justice, fairness, only if it is just and fair itself. And a govern¬ ment will be just and fair only when the method of getting the government is just and fair. No fair government can ever be built upon the foun¬ dation of an unfair method of getting the gov¬ ernment.

It is because the foundation, the method of get¬ ting the government is unfair, that our govern¬ ment is unfair. Average. And, because of the unfairness in the method of getting the govern¬ ment, men who pay taxes to support that govern¬ ment, are compelled to pay other money to other organizations, formed for the purpose of fighting that government for justice.

That is much like hiring a man to do certain work for you, and then, because he won’t do it, doing it yourself, but yet, paying him as though he were doing it.

Government may be likened to a game. Aver¬ age. And that being the case, I want to show you how you are being cheated as the game is now played. I want to show you how the method of getting the government is unfair to you. I want to show you that you are being deprived, to your

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE great injury, of your rightful chance of being in the government, and so, being in a position to protect your owui interests.

And after I have done that, I propose to show you, just as the salesman showed the lumber-jack, how you may continue at the game of government atid have it absolutely fair to you and to every other man; so that each will have his equal chance. I shall show you the proper method to use to get a fair government, the fair way, the only way to get a fair government; that is all.

Average, you have read the Declaration of In¬ dependence, of course! And you remember the declaration, ‘ ^ All men are created equal ^ ^!

Now, by that declaration it wasn’t meant that all men really are equal in all respects. But it did mean that all were to be treated as equals, were to he treated equally by the government, and were to enjoy an equal share of the good of govern¬ ment, as well as bear an equal share of the burden of government. That is no more than fair, that is justice.

Now, that Declaration of Independence, Aver¬ age, corresponds to the agreement made by the three men who were to match coins.

The rules of the game of matching coins were known to all wdien the game began, and it was impliedly declared, understood, that each should be equal in the game, that is, each should have an equal chance to win or lose, should be treated equally. That, too, was fair. But, Average, the whole effect of that declaration was changed by the plan adopted by the saloon-keeper and the bartender.

BUNKOED W GOSH

Again, after tlie Declaration of Independence, came the Constitution, which is only another plan, a plan of government. And that Constitution actually annuls the etfect of the declaration that all men are created equal.

Before the Constitution was adopted, and under that Declaration of Independence, there could have been no question. Average, that you were entitled to be treated as an equal, and were en¬ titled to an equal voice in making the laws.

One great partnership was declared, and it was declared that each was to have an equal share in the government. And, if all the people should meet to make the laws, you would be in the meet¬ ing, with a voice equal to that of the best. And if all the people should attempt to meet, and it should be found that all couldn’t get into the meeting place, you. Average, would, certainly, be entitled to an equal chance to get in. If admis¬ sion were by card you would be entitled to a card as well as any one else. That is what the Declara¬ tion of Independence means, or it means nothing.

But the plan was made afterward. The Consti¬ tution was adopted afterward. And then? Why, it was provided that the lawmakers should be chosen by election. And, Average, what is the purpose of election? Isn’t it to get Best Mann to make the laws? Certainly it is.

So then, your Constitution implies that some are better than others, doesn’t it? And we have the conflict: the Declaration of Independence de¬ claring all men equal, and the Constitution im¬ pliedly declaring that some are better than others.

THE CONSTITUTION

And you, Average Mann, you are not Best Mann and you never will be. So, isn’t the plan which provides for the election of lawmakers, a plan which excludes you, which forever takes from you the chance you had of going into the meeting where the laws are to be made? Doesn’t that Constitution take from you, all voice, and all chance of ever having a voice in making the laws? Doesn’t it occur to you, Average Mann, that that Constitution, in that respect, is very much like the plan that the saloon-keeper and the bartender adopted, to take from the lumber-jack his share of the chances to win?

It was decided to choose lawmakers, Average, because it was realized that all the people couldn’t get into the meeting place. There were too many entitled to go in. And so, it was determined to choose a convenient number from those who were entitled to go in. That is fair, if the method of choosing is fair. It was determined to elect them. And that. Average, is where you were Bunkoed B ’ Gosh!

Election is an implied agreement that only Best Mann shall go in to make the laws. You, Average, will never go in to make the laws. That is the effect of that agreement.

I’ll carry the comparison between the plan adopted by the saloon-keeper and the bartender, and the plan of government adopted, still further. When the saloon-keeper and the bartender adopted their plan the lumber-jack wasn’t present. If he had been of course the plan never would have been adopted. And you. Average, you were not present when that Constitution, that other plan, was adopted. If you had been it never would have been adopted.

That Constitution was made by Best Mann, elected because he was Best Mann. And it was ratified for the states by Best Mann, again. Aver¬ age Mann never had anything whatever to say about it. And all men were created equal!

So, you see. Average, your situation under that Constitution is very similar to that of the lumber¬ jack after the saloon-keeper and bartender had organized. The lumber-jack wasnT present when the plan was adopted which deprived him of every chance to win; and you were not present when the plan was adopted which deprived you of every chance to win, to go to the lawmaking body, to ever have a chance in making the laws under which you are to live, to have your share in the government, that government that is to treat all alike and is to establish justice, willingly and freely.

You ought to see. Average, that surely, some¬ thing is going to be done to you in there that you will not like, or Best Mann wouldn’t be so careful to keep you out. When the boys all go inside and slam the door in your face, when you start to go in, you may be pretty sure. Average, they are going to discuss something more in there than how to give you a square deal.

Notice, Average, I mention only lawmakers. That is because we are governed by laws, and no matter what body makes the laws, call it board, congress, legislature, assembly, or council, it is the government, and the whole of the government.

A FRAUD 21

As the intellect .governs the hnman body, so the lawmaking body governs the political body. And as the wishes of the intellect, the government of the human body, are transferred into acts by agencies, which are servants of the intellect, but no part of it; so the wishes of the lawmaking body, the government of the political body, are trans¬ ferred into acts by agencies, men, who are serv¬ ants of the government, but no part of it, only officers. The government does as it sees fit: the servants, the officers, what they are ordered to do.

Now, Average, when the salesman first ex¬ plained to the lumber-jack the fraud that had been done to him, the latter was puzzled, and perhaps he didnT see clearly right away. But it came to him.

So, with you, what I have been trying to ex|&in to you may seem like a play with words, a trick, a specious argument. But I assu-re you it is not. You are being defrauded, just as surely as was the lumber-jack, and I ask, in justice to yourself, that you pay attention to me, hear what I have to say, and consider the whole matter at your leisure. For, I have implicit confidence that it will all come clear to you.

I tell you. Average, getting a government by election, electing lawmakers, is, both in theory and in practice, a fraud upon you, just as unfair, just as palpably a fraud, as the fraud that was practiced upon the lumber-jack, and that the re¬ sult has been equally disastrous to you.

The plan that was adopted by the saloon¬ keeper and the bartender took from the lumber¬ jack every chance to win, and as a consequence, he lost all his money. That other plan, the Con¬ stitution took from you every chance to have a voice in your own government, and with it, as a consequence, it has taken from you about every¬ thing else that belonged to you, and the taking still goes on.

Choosing lawmakers by election is unfair to you. Average Mann, because election excludes you. Election virtually says, ‘‘Average Mann, you never can come in here. ^ ^ And yet, in there, is where the laws are being made, where the gov¬ ernment is being conducted, which is to treat you fairly, and in which you should have your share.

Those laws are presumed to suit you. Average, to be what you want. Best Mann admits that they should be what you want, and asserts that he is trying hard to make what you want, trying, oh! so hard! And yet, he won’t let you in to make them yourself. Average, you’re Bunkoed B’ Gosh!

Self-determination? You, going round the world fighting for self-determination for others? Why, Average, you haven’t even self-determina¬ tion for yourself. The plan of government pro¬ vides that you are to be ruled, absolutely, auto¬ cratically, and forever, by Best Mann.

You think you have a voice in the government? You vote? Yes, you do vote. Average, in the elec¬ tion booth. But is there any governing ever done in the election booth? Are any laws ever made there? Not a one. What good is your voice to you if it never can be heard where the laws are being made? In the government? You vote on

THE DEVICE 23 constitutional amendments only after Best Mann says they are agreeable to him, not before.

And you have an equal vote? Yes, Average, you do, in the election booth. That far equality was pursued, just far enough to take it away from you, forever.

Doesn’t it strike you as being a little odd that you should have as much to say in the election booth as Best Mann has? Doesn’t it seem to you, that, if it is necessary to have only Best Mann to make the laws, that Constitution was a little reck¬ less when it arranged so that you could match Best Mann’s vote in the election booth, and thus offset it?

You have as much to say in the election booth as Best Mann has, but after that he does all the rest of the saying, while you do all the rest of the kick¬ ing. Where saying counts he does the saying, all of it. Where saying amounts to nothing, you have as much to say as he has.

That, Average, is because election is only a device to make it seem to you that you have an equal share in the government, while at the same time that device is working, like a cream separa¬ tor, to separate you from that share forever.