Farmer Hiram on the world's war

Front matter

CQFaUGHT DEPOSm

By LINDLEY GRANT LONG

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Chapter I. The Beginnin\

The biggest event ever flashed on the screen Fell out in the year uv Nineteen and Fourteen. How it all cum about, we'll never quite know, Perhaps, till old GabrieFs last trumpet shall blow. Where every one's wrong, and where every one's right, It's hard to diskiver the gist uv the fight. George sed it wuz William ; and William sed, Nick — But each wuz dead willin' to cast the first brick. To one perched outside, lookin' in thru a crack, It 'pears that ol' Franz heaved a bone to the pack, And the hul snarlin' kennel, primed fer a scrap. Jest bristled right in — and so, there's the first lap !

A racket once started, what next will take place Is harder to jedge than a crooked hoss-race. When all rules are broken that givern the game, Sum feller's quite likely to git a bad name. A mere "scrap uv paper'' don't go very far When sumbody's edgin' to give you a jar.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

Where war hez beginnin', the law hez an end ; The thing to do then is to strike, and defend. Each one sez the uther refused to play fair — And so, the hul smatter's still up in the air.

Ez you will remember, she cum with a rush ; And most everybody tuck strait to the brush. 'Twuz hurry and scurry, cunfusion and fright — A suddent preparin' to flee, er to fight. Twuz mobilize here, and 'twuz mobilize there — A scream frum the Eagle, a growl frum the Bear. Twuz either git in — er, more likely, git out — And make place fer uthers that elbowed about. No room fer the noodrals — skedaddle, skidoo! Cullectin' their trappings, off quickly they flew. A smashin' and crashing a terrible pall — No sinner but swore that the heavens wud fall. It seemed ez the floodgates uv hell had broke loose, And doomed the hul works — without let er excuse !

Now, William, he reckoned he had a dead cinch— Fer everything goes when you're ketcht in a pinch. He laft up his sleeve when he thot uv the trick He'd play on them poilus — and do it durn quick! So, off he rushed, singin' — sum millions er more — To wake up Paree, bustin' in the back door. He scasly had started, weighed down with his load, He met little Albert right square in the road. He thot it a joke when at first he flared up. But soon he diskivered he'd hev to call Krupp. Krupp sent his Big Bertha to see the thing thru — Then Albert got flustered and all in a stew. But, say what you will, he stood up like a man. And give naber William sum taste uv hardpan.

THE BEGINNIN*.

But findin' at last that his hands were too full, He shouted and shouted and screamed f er John Bull. But John, he cum late — 'tis a way that John haz — Before he got there he wuz licked to a fraz. Now John may be slow, but he's got lots uv pluck; He set hizself down right in front uv oV Kluck. "A hunch uv bum Tommies!" — a smile lit his face — ''We'll wipe them all out, and we won't leave a trace.*' But 'fore he got by, he wuz frank to admit That Johnny Bull still hez a trifle uv grit. The sons uv the Belgii had showed him sum trick, But Tommy m'lad wuz the boy that cud stick. Well bumpt but not beaten, he slowly fell back — Sum .millions uv Heines still hot on his track. Beside him the poilu had taken his stand. And sumthin' wuz doin' now on every hand.

Frum day unto day it wuz fight and retreat. And keep the thing hummin' in medder and street. They tussled and f ot over river and tarn. And never sed boo till they cum to the Marne. The Boche well knew gay Paree wuz in sight. And that wuz the thing that inspired him to fight. He thot 'twuz all over, and everything won, And nuthin* wuz left but the shoutin' and fun. Then wily ol' Joffre steps out uv the wood. And sez, ''Every Frenchman, this day, must make good!*' No bolt frum the heavens e'er give sich a start, Er sent sich a thrill thru the weak human heart. No jungle uv tigers e'er fot in the pit. Like poilu, and Tommy, and all the hul kit. or Kluck wuz dumf ounded, and seized with a pain — His Boches were beaten, and scattered, and slain.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

Their corpses lay thick ez the leaves in the sun — The rivers run red with the blood uv the Hun. The world, in suspense, give a sigh uv relief — But William wuz drowned in an ocean uv grief.

You've oft heerd the sayin' — I'm sure it will fit — The ffame that is nearest is hardest to git! And William so thot when he saw the thing slip, And Paree go glimmer'n' and fly frum his grip. Tho pummeled and thummeled, he stuck to the fray ; And, changin' his mind, made a dash f er Calais. If only once there, he cud win without fail — And razzle the Lion while twistin' his tail. But Johnny woke up when he scented the plan, And swore he'd defend, if it tuck the last man. The Boche, ondaunted, cum thunder'n' right thru, And tore up the earth with his hellebelloo. He trampled on Belgium, and bio wed up Antwerp, And left not a chick that wuz able to chirp. But poilu and Tommy and Beige and all — Were ready to fight till the heavens shud fall. They wheeled into line frum the Marne to the sea. And chunked every hole to Calais, er Paree. . They met on the sands, on the hills and the plains, And never once stopt to count losses er gains. They battled like giants, while all the world stood — And gazed on the carnage, and wundered what good!

The Heine had bullets, the Tommy had none — But never an inch wud he yield to the Hun. The poilu stood pat, and the Beige set tight — They kep the thing bilin', noon, mornin', and night. They raged over Flanders, and finished at Ypres — Where mountains uv corpses rose up in a heap.

THE BEGINNIN*.

The Boche wuz glum when he looked on his slain, And saw all his efforts were useless and vain. Calais wuz still safe, and the battle-line firm; And all he cud do wuz to wriggle and squirm. Twice beaten, then thwarted at every fresh turn. What else cud he do but stop shootin' and — burn? He sulked in his tent, then he dug hizself in , And that's how he saved his implacable skin. But William wuz wroth when he saw what wuz done ; He went off a-cussin', and swore he had won.

Now this is the end uv the first modern drive — While most uv 'em's dead, there's a few still alive !

Chapter II. Cumin' Uv The Bear

While poilu and Tommy, and all uv the rest, Were bleedin* and dyin', and savin' the West, The grouchy oF Bear shuffled down frum his den, And frightened the Kaiser half out uv his skin. Before you cud think, he wuz amblin' along, A-draggin' a most multifarious throng. The Muscovite millions had crawled frum the grass. And headed derect f er the Prussian morass. They circled about the Masurian Lakes — Infested by Germans and reptiles and snakes. Fierce Rennenkampf cum — ^with his fiercer mustache — And Samsonov f ollered right on with a dash. The Cossack swep by with his saber and lance. And skeert the dumb Dutchman right out uv his pants. A cry uv distress, and a wail uv despair, Rose up on the wings uv the horrified air, Ez wimmen and children and donkeys in flight. Fell dead in their tracks frum the terrible fright. But still they pressed on, leavin' nuthin* behind. In search uv the foe they were eager to find.

Alarmed and distracted, the Kaiser got hot. And sent fer old Hindenburg right on the spot. He told him to go, and to speed double-quick. And throw down his glaive in the pathway uv Nick, or Hindy cum forth, like a beast frum his cage, And shuck out his mane, and rebumished his rage.

CUMIN' UV THE BEAR.

No time did he lose, but hizself quickly found

With eyes sweepin' over his old stampin'-ground.

He knew it so long, and he knew it so well,

There wuzn't a step that he cudn't foretell.

He flung out his net, then he watched f er his game —

Twuz only a moment, and right there it came.

The Russ never dreamt uv a slip, er mishap.

But quicker'n a wink, he wuz ketcht in a trap.

Grim Samsonov f ot, but he cudn't break thru ;

Fer wily or Hindy had bagged the hul crew.

When Rennenkampf saw that his pal wuz in bad, He struck fer tall timber, skedaddle, skedad ! He wasted no time, and he had none to spare ; Fer Hindy wuz hot on the heels uv the Bear. So menny he tuck — and the booty beside — The Bear wuz blamed lucky to save his own hide. Now this, the first bump uv the Kaiser and Czar — And Nicky will tell you he got quite a jar!

What's sass fer the gander is sass fer the goose — The thing that hez happened kin give no excuse. The Kaiser laft loud when he heerd uv the trick, And sed, ''What a joke hev I played on frien* NickF* But Luck is a Janus that faces both ways — And this he found out in a very few days; Fer furder down south where the Austrian fot. It turned out sum different f rum what he had thot. or Franz had expected, with one mighty swoop. To capture the Bear and to hev him fer soup. He laid a great plan, but it went all k'boo ! — When Russky and Brusiloff went smashin' thru. They mixed the thing up on the Dniester and Stry, And Joseph cum out with a mighty black eye.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

He dreamed his brave cohorts were stable and stout, But soon he diskivered them all in a rout. Sum hundreds uv thousands, he left in the fray — Wuz licked to a frazzle the very first day.

The Bear et up Lemberg while chasin' his game, And circled the town uv onspeakable name. He didn't stop there, but he went right ahead, And dumb to the top uv the high water-shed. Bold Ivanov swung, like a ragin' cyclone. And struck Franz a blow that onsettled his throne, or Dankl wuz dazed, and the noble Archduke Is still tryin' hard to explain the grand fluke. Cunfusion fell fast on the Aust and the Hunk, And nuthin' wuz left but a vast heap uv junk. The remnant kep rolling and wud hev till now. But haply it found a safe berth at Cracow. King Joseph, he cussed ; and he wundered what for He'd loosed on his head sich an onlucky war. The face uv the Bear lighted up with a smile — He set down to ponder, and rest fer awhile.

Now this is the first uv the Cossack and Hun — And you kin jedge which had the best uv the fun.

It wudn't be right unto you, er to me. To pass by the Serb, who had staged the hul spree. or Franz, in his rage fer the loss uv an heir, Had tugged at his whiskers and tore out his hair. He vowed to avenge the abom'nable deed, And swore every Serb in the kingdom shud bleed. A bold ultimatum, he hurled at king Pete — Then smashed him again ere he got to his feet. He wudn't take reason, er hear no excuse — Strait onlocked the kennel and turned 'em all loose.

CUMIN' UV THE BEAR.

The first to take up the red hammer uv Thor, He dragged the hul world to the shambles uv war.

Now, Peter 'lowed Joseph wuz largely to blame, And wudn't submit to the blot on his name. He tuck up his gun, ez he'd oft done before. And stood waitin' ready in front uv his door, or Joseph, still ragin', cum down like a storm ; But when he got there, found his welcome wuz warm. It's no triflin' matter to bust a door in. With fellers behind it protectin' their skin. This sayin', I'll venture, wuz much plainer made. When Franz, like a buzzard, swooped down on Belgrade. He thot it a cinch when he pulled his big guns. And throwed in his masses uv onthinkin' Huns. He looked on the Serb ez a mutt, and a rube — And started right over the rollin' Danube. He hadn't got far till he suddently woke. And saw the thing fiz, and go strait up in smoke.

The Serb had cut loose, and the Devil will say He never hez heerd sich a thunder'n' melee. The Teuton went down, and the Slav, with a shout, Proclaimed to the world how he kicked the Hun out. Not satisfied quite with this jab in the slats. He dealt him anuther blow up at Shabatz. To make the thing worse — not to push it too far — He give him a knock-out down on the Jadar. or Joseph wuz frantic, and thot the gods mad ; Fer every durn thing had gone plumb to the bad. The rainbow uv hope swiftly vanished f rum view. And left in his heart only wormwood and yew.

King Peter wuz proud uv the record he made — Defendin' his kingdom, and holdin' Belgrade.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

The Serb meekly smiled when he saw the Hun chafe, And felt that both honor and kentry were safe. Now, this is the way the beginnin* fell out — In East and in West, it wuz slaughter and shout. Which side hez the best uv the fightin' so f er, I leave to the reader, and hasten elsewher*.

Chapter III. On The Rollin' Wave

When war fell on land, it fell likewise on sea — O'er all the wide waters, skedaddle, skedee! There wuzn't a river, a lake, er a pond. That didn't take notice, and quickly respond. The Britain chased Teut, and the Teuton chased Brit, And every last guy had to git up and git. They struck down the wireless, the cables they cut, And left not a strand uv the long ocean gut. Flew orders, like sparrows, to sink, and to bum, And give not a chance to escape, er intern. The hul world around every eye wuz awake, A strainin' f er sumthin* to smash, er to take. A spell uv oncanniness lay on the deep — No mortal but fishes wuz able to sleep. The sea-dogs kep prowlin*, in search uv their prey, Frum Cairo to Horn, and away to Cathay. They never let up while a foe wuz at large. But smote every sail frum a dreadnaught to barge.

Sum things that were done will insure lastin* fame, And earn fer the doers a mighty proud name. John Bull, we cunf ess, is the boss uv the sea ; But, still, there are uthers ez foxy ez he. When once he wuz certain the thing wuz a fight, He reckoned he*d nab every Dutchman in sight. He spread out his wings, and his snare quickly set, Expectin' to gether them all in his net.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

But soon he found out, with disgust and chagrin,

That sum had slid by and were not taken in.

The Goeben and Breslau did mighty slick work,

And landed slapdab in the arms uv the Turk.

The sly little Emden put on a false face,

And give Johnny's greyhounds a spankin' good race.

There still were sum uthers — ^but why name 'em all? —

That nagged at the Lion thru Summer and Fall.

But Johnny kep bizzy a-sweepin' the sea.

And got them all in except Admiral Spee.

The Jap in the East, and hizself in the West,

Cud give fair accountin' uv all uv the rest.

They plugged every harbor the hul world about.

And swore that the Dutchman wud hev to stay out.

Spee tuck to the open. While loiter 'n' the main,

He plucked a few laurels, and gethered sum gain.

Then headed down south, and to Chile drew near —

And what happened there you shall presently hear.

Sir Christopher Cradock, a fighter ez brave Ez ever rode out on the crest uv a wave. Sailed up frum the Horn with a right jaunty fleet, Expectin' sum ships uv the Kaiser to greet. He hadn't got far till his hopes were achieved — And very much sooner than he had believed. While nosin' about on the edge uv the sea. He suddently cum upon Admiral Spee. His good ship, Canopus, wuz far to the rear. And jest what to do didn't seem very clear. Now, Admiral Spee is no feller to shirk, And Christopher scented sum mighty grim work. The sea, it wuz chopped by the wind and the swell. And things didn't augur a feather too well;

ON THE ROLLIN* WAVE.

But, moved by the spirit that makes England great, He wiped the hul smatter right off uv the slate. All doubts and oncertainties tost at his back, He flung out the challenge : '^Vm goin' to attack!''

It didn't take long f er the thing to wax hot. And soon every muzzle wuz belchin' his shot. The Monmouth and Sharnhorst locked horns f er the scrap- The Good Hope and Gneisenau jined with a snap. They kep the guns blinkin', and give tit f er tat, And veered and maneuvred, and did this and that. But soon it fell out that the Britain wuz down — And Admiral Spee had a star in his crown ! The Monmouth and Good Hope slid under the wave, And each gallant crew found a watery grave. Sir Christopher's bit f er his kentry wuz done — The Saxon had lost, and the Teuton had won.

Now, dog'll eat dog — is a sayin' Fve heerd— And that's about how it hez always appeared. The Teuton, puf t up by the way it turned out. Cud do nuthin' uther than swagger and shout. You'd better keep mum, if you cum out on top — When up on a limb, there's but one way to drop. This sayin', I'm certain, the Dutch wud avouch. If they cud cum back frum their watery couch.

When Georgy found out that his darlin' wuz down, He plucked at his whiskers, and tore off his crown. He vowed a swift vengence on Admiral Spee, And forthwith dispatched the ondaunted Sturdee. The Teut never dreamt that the Brit wud cum soon, And camly sailed on 'neath the soft southern moon. He rounded the Horn with a nonchalance rare. And snift in the bam uv the brine-laden air.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

Well pleased with hizself , and the task he had done, He reckoned his jaunt but a triumph uv fun.

He sighted the Falklands, the fair sunny Isles, Onmindful uv harm, er a foe's tricky wiles. The sea, it wuz smooth, and the sky, it wuz clear, And nuthin' give omen that danger wuz near. He had but one purpose — ^the harbor to win — And, turnin' to shoreward, he headed strait in. How great his amazement ! Right square in his way, The Bulldogs uv England all trim fer the fray. The first one to bark wuz Canopus the bold — The Admiral's story is now quickly told !

He saw at a glance it wuz strike, fight, er flee ; Fer nuthin' cud alter the dauntless Sturdee. He'd circled the globe with a single intent — To capture the Dutchman, er smash him to splint. His time had now cum ; and, perceivin' his plight. He tuck to the wave like a seagull, in flight. The Britain wuz ready ; and, strait in pursuit. He cum with his broadsides, and big guns' salute. Invincible led, in the fox and hound chase ; Inflexible f ollered right on at full pace. They kep the thing hot ez the griddles uv hell, Till all the Gray Eagle's proud feathers had fell. But, say ez you will, you've got no room to boast — The Teuton went down standin' square at his post. The vengence uv England had fallen, at last ; And Admiral Spee wuz a thing uv the past. He went to his doom without blot on his fame, And give to his kentry a glorious name!

Here endeth the story. 'Tis plain ez kin be That Johnny Bull still wuz the lord uv the sea.

ON THE ROLLIN' WAVE.

His Bulldogs were masters wherever they went, And left on the wave not a fire-breathin' gent. He sealed every harbor the hul world about, And never a foeman dared cheep, er peek out. The Dutchman wuz elbowed clear off uv his seat, And scasly left room f er his big clumsy feet. His fleets uv proud argosies floutin' the main, Slipped into their holes and cum not forth again. Britannia still ruled the wave and the foam — And William wuz glad to find shelter at home !

Chapter IV. The Fruits Uv War

When War shuck the earth with his trumpets and drums, Each feller wuz watchin' to gether his plums. The Isles uv the Seas, and the Colonies dear. Made mighty fine pickin' f er them that were near. The Teuton, cooped up, hadn't very much chance, And lost about everything 'ceptin* his pants. He f ot like a tiger round close about home. But wuzn't much in it out over the foam. The Alleys perched high on the wave, like a hawk, Jes' swooped down and tuck 'em, and nuthin' cud balk.

The Jap is an Alley, ez you, perchance, know ; And, cums down to grabbing he ain't very slow. He loves the Chinee — but hizself, he loves more — And ordered the Kaiser away f rum his door. But William 'lowed he loved the Chinee the best; And, darin' to stay, put the thing to a test. It didn't take long; fer the Jap wuz in trim, And William soon saw that his chances were slim. They grappled, and tussled all over Shantung — And skeert the Chinee till he busted a lung. They never ceased figthin', but kep her aglow Till William wuz glad to hand over Kiaochow. It made the Jap hot to see William resist ; And, when 'twuz all over, kep shakin' his fist. He wudn't cam down ; but rushed out on the brine — And soon he cum back draggin' fair Caroline !

THE FRUITS UV WAR.

To make William sore, and to humor John Bull, He jes' give her over — so, there's the Jap's pull.

John's daughter, Australia, got into the game. And made f er herself a most excellent name. She tuck her half-sister. New Zealand, f er help — A purty small Lioness, still, a fair whelp. They made fer Samoa, expectin' to meet A batch UV the Kaiser's invincible fleet. They felt a bit nervous when out on the sea ; So, thinkin' it over, they stopped at Noumea, And ast the Montcalm, and sum uthers to go — There's safety in numbers, ez you, perchance, know. All rigged and made ready, they struck fer the foam, Determined to win, er else never see home. Their fight wuz a frolic ; fer when they got there. They looked fer the Dutchman, but spied him nowhere. He'd tuck to the wave, and wuz not to be found — So, William had lost a fresh slice uv his ground.

When grabby Australia had got in her hand, She thot it a joke, goin' out swipin' land. She bustled right off to give Guinea a spat; And William quick saw that his chances were flat. He fired a few shots, dodgin' round in the brush, Then throwed up the sponge, and cum out with a rush. The Britain's flag soon floated over Rabaul — And there's where you'll find it, if chancin' to call.

Not satisfied yet with the swag in her muff. She vowed she'd keep on till the Dutch cried enuf. Bismark's Pomerania fell next in her lap — And this wuz like givin' the Kaiser a slap. Then Solomon's follered, and Marshall's, likewise — Till nuthin' wuz left that a brigand cud prize.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

She kep on a-pickin* till every last crumb

Wuz safely corraled 'twixt her fingers and thumb.

There wuzn't a speck in the Orient seas

Where William cud say, "This is mine, if you please/'

While strivin' to carve out "a place in the sun/*

He'd lost every Isle that his valor had won.

Not only on seas did grim War pitch his tent, But soon found his way to the Dark Continent. There wuzn't a niche in the face uv the earth, Too cold, er too hot, fer his hideous birth. Way down on the 'quator — where nuthin' cud dwell Save reptiles and snakes and the offshoots uv hell — They carried the fight with a vengence ez dire Ez ever flashed up frum the Devil's own fire.

The first in the scramble wuz fair Togyland — ]

And here William's cohorts put up a brave stand ; ]

But, sandwiched right in 'twixt the English and French, «

The Kaiser soon felt sumthin' startin' to pinch. ,

The poilu and Tommy were onto their job. And snatched every hair frum the Boche's bald knob. It didn't take long fer the last guy to croak — And Togyland trotted right under the yoke!

The next in their path, like a blotch on the moon. Lay sumthin' that sumbody named Cameroon. A haunt fer the elephant, zebra, and such — A place where the monkeys cunsort with the Dutch. Here poilu and Beige, with Tommy, jined hands, And made a bold dash fer the wild jungle-lands. They crowded strait down frum Lake Tsad to the sea, And soon had the Heine right up a pam-tree. Molundu fell first ; and Duala cum next ; And all that resisted, they simply Dutch-hexed.

THE FRUITS UV WAR.

They f ot the muskeeters, the lions, and snakes ;

And swum ragin' river, and plunged thru the brakes.

They never stopt goin', but pushed right ahead

Till every last Boche wuz captured er dead.

They kep her a-fizzin', both midnight and noon —

And that's how the Alleys scooped in Cameroon.

Now William expected, when War's bugles blowed, The Boer wud raise up, and trek strait down the road, And deal Johnny Bull a punch under the belt Wud land him clean off uv the wide-sweepin' veldt. But things don't fall out ez we reckon they shud, And often redound to the uther dub's good. This very thing happened, ez you shall soon learn; Fer matters tuck on a quite different turn.

Far down to the southward, in sum doubtful way. The Kaiser had chanced, and decided to stay. He'd gethered a stretch uv cuntention and sand About twice ez big ez his own Fatherland. He camly set down, feelin' smug and secure. And never once dreamt but his footin' wuz sure. Now, who teches Africa teches John Bull — And that's how the Kaiser got John in his wool.

The thing had scase started when Bothy and Smuts, Two rubes frum the woods, with a passel uv mutts, Broke over the fences and hastened to take — And left not a Dutchman alive in their wake. The Britain and Burgher locked arms fer the push. And whooped every Hottentot out uv the bush. They captured Whale Bay, and Swakopmund hard by, Then driv strait fer Windhoek, and didn't ast why. Down still furder south, they cum round with a swoop, And gobbled up Seeheim, and famed Keetmanshooi?.

FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR.

Not satisfied yet, they pressed on with the fray, And tuck in Gibeon and Aub on the way. At last, jinin' forces, they finished the deal, And left not a pig that wuz able to squeal. West Africa, now, is in much safer hands — And William wuz buncoed right out uv his lands.

The only scrap left uv his far-flung domains Lay out on East Africa's jungles and plains. Hemmed in on all sides by obstreperous foes, Jest how he held out, surely nobody knows. He put up a fight f rum beginnin' to end — And this all admit who hev follered the trend.

The Teuton showed nerve when he found it a go, And struck at Mombasy the very first blow. The Britain wuz ready, and met him half way. And fetched up his Arabs and Blacks f er the fray. It swiftly fell out that the Dutchman wuz foiled. And back to his domicile quickly recoiled. 'Twuz Tommy's turn next to git into the fight. And so he smote Tanga with all uv his might. He throwed in his Indians, and all kinds uv stuff, Expectin' the Boche to soon cry enuf. It didn't cum out ez the Tommy allowed — You can't do much fightin' with sich a mixed crowd. Both now had bin tried, and they both had lost out — The odds had fell even, and neither cud shout.