A sketch of Granny Short's barbecue, and the general statutes of Kentucky

Preface

As the time has come when the bitter fruits of our legislative acts are being tasted and felt by all our people of intelligence ; as the ablest and most exalted courts in the Commonwealth have not been able to expound, mold, and shape, and give meaning to many of the vague and unmeaning statutes of the State; as the whole community have become alarmed at the condition of the country ; as the weak have been trampled under foot and the strong overpowered ; as fools have been made to suffer and wise men to moan ; as the institutions of our State are fast going to decay, and the times growing worse every day ; as the white people, without distinction of party, are standing in the streets and public highways, lamenting the condition of the country, and wondering what can be done to save it; when our statute laws and codes of practice have, in many instances, become mere words of reproach and stumbling-blocks in the way of our progress on account of their contradictions and complications, as well as their gross absurdities and cruel injustice; when the time is at hand that the ablest members of our bar are at a loss how to advise their clients, owing to the ambiguous construction of such laws; 1 say, after all these evils have grown out of our unfortunate and unskillful system of laws, which have been made and promulgated to the world, I have concluded to give the good people of our old State a few reasons for this state of aftairs, and to do which I have prepared and will present "Granny Short's Barbecue," as will appear in the following paper, and the design of which is to show, not only the ways and means by which our law-makers are elected, but the laws which are the legitimate offspring of such men and conduct ; and what has been said of the actings and doings at the " Short " affair may, with equal truth and propriety, be said of a large majority of the candidates who were elected about the same time from the other counties in the State. Nor are those who are promoted to the dignified station of law-revisers and makers the least improved, but have retrograded, in more modern times, as their acts will show.

With all the follies of Underfoot and Loudun, the characters mentioned in the subsequent pages, they were far superior to many of those who have succeeded them, both in intellect and statesmanship, because they were sober and discreet, as well as competent men, and were exceedingly watchful over the public money, especially Underfoot, who had acquired great renown on that account. Not so, however, with the legislators of modern times, many of whom seem to have vied with each other to see who could waste the most of the public treasure for the promotion and good of their J>afi}', without even a thought of the good of their country ; nor have any of the parties been free from such profligacy. The root of this evil is mere pai-ty strife, which has been growing worse ever since our'civil war, and will, if continued, min the State.

As we know animal food nourishes and sustains the bodies of men, so we can

IV PREFACE.

see that drunkenness , debauchery, tricks, frauds, and impositions are the food of the mind of some candidates who are intrusted with law-making; and as unwholesome and poisonous diets injure and enervate the body, so the poisonous notions and practices of some candidates becloud and obscure their intellects until they are wholly unfit for the stations they occupy ; hence their laws will partake and become a part of their acts. As the minds of these law-makers are thus tinged with the filth and slime of elections, the same will be seen in their laws, and as these laws are unjust or unwise, the people whom they control will suffer from their administration, and by these means the countless streams of evil which are absorbed by these law-makers at still-houses, barbecues, drinking establishments, and the like, with many of their tricks and frauds, will return through their acts as so many pipes or aqueducts upon the heads of those that promoted such characters. Like the blood in the human frame, it is taken in by the arteries and carried off by the veins, but all course through the same frame. And so with our law-makers : the whisky, brandy, tricks, and devices which they absorb at the barbecues and other places pass into and fill their minds, and when they reach their places of destination they begin to cast off this pollution, and, as evil never dies, it is lodged in their laws, and returns to its original source, and curses and scourges the people of our State without distinction.

We say that evil never dies; but it is clothed in garments of every grade, shape, and fashion, and in colors of every hue, so as to always be fascinating and inviting, but ever ready to sting and devour the victims, whether in the shape of law-makers or otherwise.

As the pane of glass in our windows is the medium through which we can see and look at outward objects, how easily can we detect the traces of smoke or other substance which appears on this medium, and such obstructions may be such as to entirely obscure the sight, so as to prevent us from the recognition of our most intimate acquaintances; and just so with the statute laws and the Code of Practice of our State : we have to look through them as so many panes of glass to detect their violations or observe our rights; but if these laws, like the panes of glass, should be darkened and obstructed by the smoke of ignorance or intoxication, so that the ablest courts and the wisest men among us can not discern their object or meaning, and we all have to grope our way in the dark and simply surmise and guess as to the real meaning of such laws, this would be terrible ; because then our laws, which are the rules of our actions, would become mere shadows and cobwebs, through which the guilty could always make their escape, and the innocent would be punished, instead of that clear, stern, and unbending set of rules that can be understood, and that will deal out impartial justice to all, and whose rules and mandates could and would be enforced, revered, and obeyed on account of their own inherent power atui authority.

While it is admitted that ever since the formation of our State Government there have been honest and competent men elected every year to both branches of our Legislature, yet it is to be regretted that in almost every instance where important laws were introduced, those men have been overpowered by the

PREFACE. V

less worthy and more incompetent members, who have passed our system of laws as they appear in our present Codes of Practice and " General Staliites of Ketitucky.^''

The object of this being to call attention to the ways and means by which that crowd of men have been elected who have made our present laws, the great majority of them being strictly barbecue men, upon the back of many of whom we can see the wool of the ram slain by Granny Short to feed her distinguished guests sticking out, and over whose eyes the wool of the same animal must have been pulled while they were framing their laws; and in order that my readers may understand and appreciate the truth of what I have here said, I will give otie of the many absurdities of their laws, and in order that they may Ji)id, see, and read these laws for themselves (for otherwise they never would believe there were such laws), I will refer to the sections, chapters, and pages of the General Statutes where they can be found.

By section i, article 14, chapter 5, page 151 of the General Statute laws of Kentucky, it is declared : " It shall be the duty of the attorney for the Commonwealth to attend each Circuit Court holden in his district, and prosecute all violations of the criminal and penal laws therein, and discharge all other duties assigned him by law."

All this is just as it should be; it is right and proper in all respects. But what must we think of section 4 and 5 of article 31 and chapter 30, on page 361 of the same book, which was made by the same men and at the same time, and which reads as follows :

"An attorney for the Commonwealth shall not practice law except in civil proceedings in his own district, and in such proceedings as he may have been employed before the acceptance of his office or to which he may be a party."

Now who is so blind as not to see that there is a palpable contradiction between these sections ? Not only so, but the contradiction is of the most iinporiajit character, for each of these laws applies to the most efficient officers of our State except the judges, and by these sections their duties, obligations, and responsibilities are prescribed, and that in language too plain to be misunderstood.

This officer is also sivo?n to attend to his duties to the best of his skill and ability ; besides, under this very law (the first section), it is made his duty " to attend each Circuit Court holden in his district, and prosecute all violations of the criminal and penal laws therein, and discharge all other duties assigned him by law."

This language is clear, plain, and easily understood, and there is but one way to comply with its terms, and that is to strictly adhere to its provisions by the performance of the several duties prescribed by its terms; and in fact this is substantially what all such officers are sivom to do.

The Constitution of the State created these officers, but the act alluded to put them all in motion and pointed out their duties, and then required them to be solemnly sivorn that they would well and tx\\\y perforin those duties, and by this law the whole legal machinery, so far as these officers were concerned, was put in operation ; but while this machinery was running on in the most harmonious

VI PREFACE.

manner, the law-mechanics put another wheel into the affair, which moved in exactly an opposite direction, and, coming in direct conflict with the first, neutralized and obstnicted the entire work. This is ivisdom -with a vengeance, as well as the legitimate oflfspring of barbecues, and the whole affair covered with the wool of the black ram which was slain and eaten at the "Short" affair, as will be seen in a subsequent part of this book.

But let us see the language of the fifth section, same page (361), which reads as follows (speaking, of the provisions of the fourth section): "Any person so offending shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and, upon conviction, shall be fined not less than one hundred dollars, nor more than five hundred dollars."

This caps the climax of all manner of absurdity. Let us see the practical workings of this noble system.

We will suppose the Commonwealth's attorney to be acting under the first section, which requires him to "attend each Circuit Court holden in his district, and prosecute all violations of the criminal and penal laws therein." We will suppose, too, that he has been in attendance at all of the courts in his district at the vSpring terms thereof, and has prosecuted several hundred cases for the violation of those laws, and has caused numerous convictions of some of the worst men in the country, and after this is done he starts around the Fall circuits of the same courts with the intention to still prosecute such offenders; and lo ! and behold ! the first Commonwealth cases that are called are whole batches of indictments against himself ior a violation of the penal laws in the practice of the criminal and penal laws at the courts before in open violation of the last-named sections. Under this state of affairs he must commence prosecutions against himself, and labors hard to have a fine of not less than 07te nor more than five hundred dollars inflicted on himself for practicing in criminal and penal cases in violation of the provisions of the fourth section named !

It is evident that the wise law-makers and revisors intended to put all the attorneys for the Commonwealth in full training so as to understand their speed and bottom. In the Spring courts this army of officers is made to move in solid column, with all their witnesses, against the violators of tlie criminal and penal laws; and at the next term these same individuals are made to move upon themselves with like rapidity for what they had done at the previous courts. This is like old John White's dream of his ramrod; he thought it was a whipsaw, and cut both ways.

These officers are truly in a deplorable condition. The law-makers command them to do certain things, and require them to be s-tuorn to do them, and then punish them for doing what they were commanded and sworn to do, and, worse than all, make ihem prosecitte themselves for doing as the satne individuals commanded. Such conduct can not be surpassed in any of the Pagan codes. So much for batbecues, whisky, and ?-a?ns.

Yes, well may it be said that those distinguished law-makers intended to put such officers in complete training, like the dog after the rabbit, first running in a straight line after the animal until he is about to pick it up, when the nimble creature squats, takes a sudden turn back under full speed, while it requires the canine some time to check up after he and the game have turned tail to tail; but

PREFACE. vn

then when he checks he turns and comes back in full tilt after the cunning dodger, and thus the race is continued until the dog loses his wind, and the game makes its escape. And so with these laws : one of them runs the officers in great speed after the violators of the criminal and penal laws, and about the time those officers are about to convict the offenders, the laws in the fourth and fifth sections not only call them back and start them on another course, but make them turn and hark ai themselves. Hurrah for Granny Short's Barbecue ! Well done for the ram and his rider !

GRANNY SHORT'S BARBECUE.

Chapter I

At the earnest solicitation of numerous distinguished citizens of this Commonwealth, I have concluded to make a brief record of a few of the doings and sayings attending a celebrated race for the Senate in Kentucky, which came off in the counties of Garrard and Lincoln in the year 1840; and in doing this it will be necessary to speak of some things of a minor character by way of introduction to the memorable barbecue of "Granny Short." It will likewise become necessary to say something regarding the customs and actions of the candidates for office in those days, not only in the counties mentioned, but throughout the State, for they were not confined to any particular locality ; so that whatever may be said of the conduct of the candidates hereafter named may be well said of all the candidates throughout the State. In fact, this narrative is intended as a mere index of what was then going on in the entire Commonwealth. At that time there was a morbid appetite, a burning rage, for office in all the land, and in many instances the aspirants were men of no qualification — not so, however, with the candidates we will here speak of — and this thirst and want of qualification exists to some extent even to this day.

About the last of March, 1840, there was an uncommon amount of bowing and scraping, shaking hands, loud talking, and laughing in and about the streets of Lancaster by a man who lived in that place, known as Major A. G. Underfoot, who had been elected once from the county of Garrard, and twice from an adjoining county, to the Legislature. He was a tall, raw-boned man, commanding in appearance; his feet were large lO GRANNY SHORTS BARBECUE.

and becoming to one of his size, and, standing, he was somewhat knock-kneed and bandy-shanked ; full-breasted, broad, square shoulders, an extremely large and red neck, upon which sat with great heaviness an enormous head, somewhat bald ; his eyes were of a keen blue, overshadowed with heavy black brows; his face was very brassy, and he had a voice like a lion, and the most unbounded confidence in himself. He had little education, but a native intellect seldom surpassed ; was inclined to stand about on the streets and talk loud, especially when he thought he was saying smart and funny things; had been a candidate several times, and had abundance of experience in that line; was a good dancer, and could pat "juba" with a vim, and, withal, had so managed as to make a great number of people believe that he was one of the greatest orators throughout the world. Besides, after his first return from the Legislature, he brought the Journals of the House of Representatives with him, and carried them all over the country, showing his vote for and against certain public measures. These books he called his "Cousins," and carried them as long as he was a candidate for office.

The fact is, all things considered, he was one of the best and most watchful representatives that ever had a seat in the Kentucky Legislatu\e. He was in public business in Garrard County, and knew almost every man in it. He was quite a nimble man, sometimes in the house, at other times out of doors or in the public square. Wherever groups of people were found, he was there, shaking hands and cracking jokes. He did abundance of good talking and loud laughing with all the men, women, and children in the county with whom he happened to meet. In all his conversations he complained loudly of "hard times," and vehemently denounced the Legislature for its "careless and wanton expenditure of the people's money."

In short, it was apparent that he intended to become a candidate for the Senate in the district in which he resided, and seeing that he was making rapid progress in obtaining secret

GRANNY SHORT S BARBECUE. I I

pledges from some of the best men in the country, it was soon resolved by his political adversaries to give him a race, and the great question was, "Who would be able to cope with him?" for he had grown to be a mighty man in the earth. In casting about it was soon discovered that there was no man in Garrard County willing to run who could defeat him, and of course the count}^ of Lincoln was resorted to for a proper candidate, the two forming one Senatorial district. For the accomplishment of this end runners were started to Lincoln to choose a suitable man to make the race.

After some examination, a man by the name of W. G. Loudun, of Lincoln, V\'as selected by the knowing ones to make the race, and as the Garrard County Court was close at hand, Loudun was requested to come to the county-seat on Sunday evening, immediately preceding county court, and to stop at a designated tavern in order to meet a few of his particular friends and converse with them regarding the anticipated race, and consult as to the necessary ways and means to defeat the Major, who b}^ that time had added greatly to his number of committals, and who, it was thought, if permitted to go on a i'ew days longer, would prove invincible

Loudun was on hand promptly, and was waited upon by a select number of faithful and knowing men — as it was supposed — shortly after dark. The common civilities having been exchanged, they forthwith commenced conversing in regard to the "critical condition of the country," and the great importance of having, not only an able, but an available man to make the race, and, after vividly depicting the ruin that would follow a defeat, asked Mr. Loudun to deal candidly with them, and say whether he thought he could defeat the Major, and the number of votes he would be compelled to have in Garrard County in order to secure his election. All were then silent, awaiting a response from Loudun, except old Jack Whitaco (a man of greatly more zeal than knowledge), who interrupted the stillness by swearing that "any body or thing could beat Underfoot." To this remark Loudun, who was an exceedingly well-balanced and cautious man, replied: "Gentlemen, I am in your hands and will make the race if thought best, but in doing this let us act like sensible men ; let no man be deceived in Underfoot, for he is and will be a hard man to beat. He is greatly above mediocrity in point of intellect; he has an iron constitution, and is bold and fearless ; and even if he should be caught in a downright falsehood, he will turn it to his advantage and make himself the more popular by it. He has some political experience, and is a mighty man to lay plans, inaugurate and successfully carry out barbecues, etc."

These remarks were listened to with great attention, and were fully concurred in by every one but Whitico, who seemed to set all that had been said at defiance, and persistently contended that Underfoot was nowhere and nobody.

The question was again asked Loudun what number of votes he was compelled to obtain in Garrard to secure success. To which he replied, " At least five hundred."

The committee then withdrew to consult and make some calculations, promising to return again that night with an answer, for all things were bound to be in readiness by sun-up the next morning.

This consultation continued until two o'clock in the morning, when it was determined to promise the five hundred votes.

A committee of five was then appointed to wait on Loudun and inform him of the result of their deliberations, in order to give him some time to think and prepare for the day.

When the committee made their report, he reluctantly said: "Well, gentlemen, I am a candidate, and will do the best I can until the last day in the evening; but you must not expect much of me, as I never have been in the habit of making public speeches and canvassing among the people."

This said, the candidate and friends separated; but none of them slept any that night, thinking of what was to be uunc on that day.

Before sun-up everything was in full motion, supposing Underfoot was still napping ; but as some of the friends passed his cellar, in which many barreb of "Old Bourbon" were deposited, they found a large number of men, of nearly every age and complexion, collected there in order to quench their thirst ; and as Underfoot came around the corner from his dwelling, with the key in his hand, a general shout went up from the "cellar crowd" in favor of the Major, who, they swore, was the greatest man in the world, and would beat any man in the district that dared to run against him.

This made Loudun and his friends rather tremble in their boots, and especially when they saw Whitico there, who had so recently been in consultation with them, for it was then manifest that all the plans of Loudun were known to the Major. Whitico was now the noisiest man in the crowd in favor of Underfoot.

The key was then applied to the cellar door, which flew open like the rock of the forty thieves so authentically described in the "Arabian Nights." The Major bade the crowd "fall in" and help themselves, which they proceeded immediately to do, and after each man had gorged himself and filled his bottle, or, in other words, had "wooded," as they called it, they came out, the Major and Whitico arm in arm, who, it appeared, were the best of friends, and this was amply proven at the election, when Whitico voted for the Major. After the election, however, seeing that the Major was defeated, he swore that he had voted for Loudun, but the clerk of the election had recorded his vote wrong.

By the time the cellar was properly emptied, the people from the country began to pour into town, some putting up at the taverns, and some hitching their horses under the trees and to the posts around the public square.

The cellar was again thrown open, and so remained during the day, while the multitude passed in and out like bees to their hive.

The Major also had one of his store-rooms lined with bigbellied quart bottles, filled with real good gin for the sole benefit of certain characters, men of distinction and of known modesty.

In the meantime the Major took the town, traveUng throughout the pubHc square, in the streets, and back alleys. His lion voice could be heard far above all the confusion of the place and above the cry of the auctioneers, who were engaged in selling property, and who seemed to vie with each other as to who could make the greatest noise. Finally Underfoot, who had been a constable in his time, came back to the public square and requested one of the ablest auctioneers to permit him to take charge of and cry off a small bob-tailed, roachcd-mane black pony that was in the ring. The auctioneer giving his consent and handing the animal over, the Major mounted a stileblock, and, straightening himself up, cried, at the top of his voice: "I, too, am in the field by blood, and will offer a thing for sale which beats all the things in this town ! " At this announcement the crowd left all the other stands and came running to the Major, and immediately upon their arrival commenced bidding in the most spirited manner, soon running the pony up to high figures, when he was knocked off to one of them to the admiration of the whole crowd, who declared with one accord that there was not in the whole world another such a man as Underfoot.

By this time the town was filled with people, and it was noised abroad pretty generally that Loudun was, or would that day become, a candidate in opposition to the Major, and that he had opened his batteries in the two principal taverns in the place, where whisky was made to flow in great abundance, and where quite a crowd of men had collected to see what was in the wind, as well as to converse with the new candidate, who was first in one and then in the other tavern with friends, busily engaged in introducing him to the throngs of people constantly flocking in.

In the middle of these introductions. Underfoot, with a few of his friends, came rushing into the crowd, and running up to Loudun, they seized each other by the hand, as if they were delighted to meet.

The Major then asked Loudun if he really was a candidate for the Senate, to which Loudun repHed in the affirmative, whereupon the Major advised him to "decHnethe race immediately," stating "that from Loudun's reputation he had always thought well of him, and therefore he did not desire to make a public example of him by defeating him so badly as to disgrace him and his family in all time to come, and this he was sure to do if the race continued." To this Loudun replied: "That was the thing about to be tested, and if he even was beaten, such occurrences were quite frequent in the country, and he would be compelled to bear up under it with fortitude."

While this conversation was progressing, some of the Major's "cellar friends" ran into the court-house and commenced ringing the bell for the assembling of the people to hear the speaking and see the wide difference, as they said, between the two candidates.

Chapter II

At the sound of the bell, one of the Major's friends ran to the door and cried, with a loud voice: "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! The candidates are now in town, and will speak if the people will come in ! "

Hearing this proclamation, the multitude started in with one accord, pressing together so closely as to endanger their lives. The seats and windows were immediately filled.

The candidates now made their appearance, coming in at opposite doors, amidst the shouts of the multitude, one of them turning to the left and the other to the right, moving slowly to the long stand in the end of the court-house, which they reached about the same time ; one turned to the right and the other to the left, and both walking forward until they met each other about the center of the stand, face to face.

The Major now determined, if possible, to get the "sendoff" or "the laugh," as it was called, which on such occasions was more desirable than all the logic and oratory in the world. So seizing Loudun by the hand, he turned to the audience and gave him a formal introduction, saying: "I will introduce to you, Mr. Loudun, of Lincoln, a candidate, as I understand, for the Senate in this district, and a man that will be badly beaten at that, if your ' Uncle Dennis ' (as he called himself) lives and keeps his health."