The chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute, being a copy of a scroll inscribed by him, what time he did travel in his caravan throughout the land of Kan-a-Da and of Am-er-Eka in the days of the great war, and now given to the world by its finder, Frank Burne Black

Dedication

Now a dedication is that portion of a scroll wherein the scribe doth usually demean himself and grovel in the dust; saying To So-So, whose sandals of the high heel I am unworthy to fasten. Or to He-Hi-Hum who, shall he deign to cast but the one look, and that even at the wrapping of this my miserable scroll, will thereby fill me with the delights of the Blessed. Or yet again, to Hokus-Pokus who knoweth more about the subject upon which I do write, than I could ever learn; aye though I did live until my years were as those of the Croc-0-Dile.

Yet I, even Kan-Uk the Kute, favour not these sayings.

For behold I write not up to any man as to a patron, nor down to any man as to a slave.

Book I

Concerning Will- Yum of the Huns and sundry matters which did occur before the war.

Also how the war did arise; and why it is good that this Chronicle should be writ.

Chapter I

1. To the men of Kan-a-Da and of Am-er- Eka and to the young men and the maidens. To they whose countenances are bright, and still more so to those who are of the doleful aspect, and sour, and as the grape before it reddeneth. Greetings and Peace.

2. This is the Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute concerning what manner of things did come to pass in the land, what time the mighty nations warred together.

3. For whereas this is a perverse and untruthful generation, behold it is wise that this Chronicle shall be written of the things which truly be; lest it shall come to pass that in after years men shall draw unto themselves their sons, and their sons' sons, and shall say:

4. Yea in those days this thing did happen; or: It is said this thing did befal; and, Some men believed this mystery came to pass ; all of which shall be out of accord with the doings which did really befal; even the Untruth.

5. So that the young men might rise up and say : How now grey beard ! What is this that thou tellest us ? Thinkest thou, that we are Hke unto the flocks of the field, even the Baa-Lamb with no understanding; or Hkenest thou us to the Goat, even the He-Goat which is surprising thick about the skull?

6. Out upon thy tales of this great war; for we say unto thee thy words are as the ramblings of one whose brain hath become of a watery consistency ; yea who is approaching the Dip-Pee; and whose holdings forth are v/hat men do call Pif-Fle.

7. For lo: I have beholden aforetimes, that if in his youth a man by m.uch brain sweat, and the wrapping of the head in the cooling bandage, even the Wet-Tow-El shall have handled some simple problem in such wise that he who did examine the figures did say : Go to ! Get thee to the next form. Not that thou hast come anywhere near unto the right answer, but because thou hast surely done thy best, poor though it be.

8. When I say, in due course, that man doth speak unto his son in the after years, he forgetteth him that which was truly said unto him, and doth say unto his son words like unto these :

9. My son, I perceive that out of six of the problems which were put before thee, thou wast able to solve but five. Be diligent ; be alert; Remember whose son thou art. Make thy talents so seen of thy teachers that they shall say: Truly we did marvel at his exceeding great cleverness; but now is this thing made simple unto us, for behold he is the son of So-and-So !

10. And yet again have I observed that if a man shall catch a fish of a surprising bigness, next day he doth say unto his friend: Lo I did put it upon the scale and found it not wanting. Nay I tell thee, it did score full two pounds and a fifth.

11. But upon the third day, he meeteth another friend, and he doth say unto him: Heareth thou of the fish which by my prowess I did bring to land ? I say unto thee that it was of a weight not quite equal to the four pounds; and of a surprising fatness.

12. And again upon the fourth day, being called by one who had knowledge of him and who asked : Tell me I pray thee is this thing true which men do say, that as thou didst cast thy line into the lake upon a certain day thou didst take a mighty fish, the weight whereof was nigh on to six pounds, or was it seven?

13. He answer eth and said: As thou knowest, I am a disciple of I-Zak from my youth upwards; and never before did I see such a fish. Likewise am I a true disciple of I-Zak in that I ever do behttle that which I do catch. Therefore would I say no word which would be beside the mark; but this I tell unto thee in secret ; I have no faith in the balance they did bring unto me, and knowing not for a certainty the weight of that fish, no man shall hear me say that it did scale more than the six pounds thou didst first mention.

14. And having observed these things of men, Lo I say unto you that such do happen because this is a perverse and a short-minded generation in which men do forget the things as they are, and do see them afterwards in a different manner.

15. Therefore ye men of Kan-a-Da and of Am-er-Eka it is good in my sight that to avoid such evils in the days to come, there shall be made in this my day even the day of the Great War, a Chronicle of the things which have been, and also which are.

16. And of this Chronicle there shall be made many copies; and they shall be sent hither and thither and to and fro throughout the land. Nay there shall be no abiding place which shall not have access to a copy.

17. From Vik-To-Rea in the West to all that now remaineth of Hal-ee-Faks in the East and in Win-E-Peg and Tor-on-Tum and in the cities of Kee-Bec in Kan-a-Da; and in Neark and Buf-Lo and Frees-Ko and Schkaa-Go and throughout all the land of Am-er-Eka.

18. And men shall possess this Chronicle, and shall read them in it, and shall send it to those who are still at the war, or in the far country ; and shall hand it down to their sons, and their sons' sons, even with the papers which are called In- Shore- Ans.

19. And this writing shall be called The Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute even because I Kan-Uk shall write it.

20. And concerning the form of this Chronicle, behold it shall not be of the kind whereof men do read but for a little time, and there is heard a gurgling in the wind-pipe, and a complaining of the nostrils, and the head doth drop forward and the eyes do close.

21. For inasmuch as it is good that we should acquit us like men in all adversity, and since not one of us is responsible for the bringing about of these doings, neither he who sitteth in the seat of the mighty even the Coun-Sil, nor he who standeth upon the floor of the Temple of Palaverment, nor he who hath little wherewithal to either stand or sit upon, save only that which Nature hath provided.

22. Therefore I Kan-Uk the Kute do write unto you and say: Let there be the sound of laughter in the land. What profiteth it ye, if your countenance be such as to cause a curdling in the blue abomination which only the dealers do call milk?

23. Look not so that men seeing ye shall say: Lo my heart goeth out in pity towards him, for well do I know his affliction and the keenness thereof, even a mother-in-law.

24. But be ye of a pleasant countenance; looking ever upon the bright side even of the things that are in this day, and in the time of this great war.

25. For remember it is written: He that hath nerve shall not have nerves. Care killeth that which hath nine lives, even a cat; but the pants of he that smileth much, shall need to be let out at the waist.

Chapter II

1. Upon a day there was a great meeting in Hell.

2. And Satan did summon his trusty Loo- Ten-Ants and did say: How now, go things upon the main Planet in the first group, even upon Erth ?

3. And the first Loo-Ten-Ant did say: Of a truth am I just back from going up and down, and to and fro therein; and verily matters are dam quiet.

4. Thereupon Satan did say: Time was when matters were otherwise; even in the days of our beloved associate At-Tilla.

5. And the Loo-Ten-Ants with one voice replied : Thou sayest it. Oh that there could arise another like unto him.

6. So Satan did say : Hearken ye unto me. I have it in my heart to raise up another such. Nay one who shall be still greater. Him will I nourish and fatten; and in due time will I turn his hand against all mankind so that lo The Chronicle of

men shall say as of old there is still the Devil to pay.

7. And the Loo-Ten- Ants did marvel together saying : Can this thing come to pass ?

8. But while they spake, Satan did uncork sundry vials. And he did take of the Essence of the Ape three drops, and of the Essence of the Ass four drops, and of the Essence of the Pig a goodly number of drops which he did not trouble to count, and he did put them into a measure.

9. Then did he ask: See ye what herein have we?

10. And the Loo-Ten-Ants did say: And it please thee Majesty, it seemeth to us that thou hast there the making of a Germ-Hun.

11. Thereupon did Satan add to the measure of Essence of Serpent five drops, and did again ask: What have we here?

12. And the Loo-Ten- Ants replied : Verily thou boldest the formula for an exceeding virulent type of Germ-Hun, even the Prush- En.

13. And again Satan did take up the measure and did add unto it six drops from a vial marked Essence of Tiger, and ten drops of a red liquid styled Spirit of Nero, and did again ask, What have we herein?

Kan-Uk the Kute ii

14. And the Loo-Ten-Ants with one accord did shake their heads in fear, so that their horns did rattle and did reply: Verily we give it up. But whatever it be of the which thou holdest there the makings, we counsel thee loosen it not in Hell ; for behold if thou shouldest do so, the confines of this place are too small to hold it ; and henceforth thy name shall be no longer Chief, but Prentiss.

15. And Satan handed the measure to the first Loo-Ten-Ant and did say: Far be it from me to loosen this thing upon ye here. Get thee up. Take thou this measure to Erth, even to Yur-Rup; and spill it in some place, and where it falleth, lo it shall raise up one whose deeds shall be such that men shall never speak of that place but they shall say Dam.

16. And the Loo-Ten-Ant did as he was commanded, even to the going to Yur-Rup and to the spilling of the liquid.

17. And the place at which he spilled that liquid is known as Pots-Dam to this day.

Chapter III

1. Now it came to pass that in the great house of the mighty Hun, even the Palace, there was born a man child.

2. And when the news went forth in the land, there was much rejoicing. And the Queen his grandmother, even our own Victo-Ria whose memory is blessed amongst men did send messages asking: Is it a fine boy? And they of the Palace did reply : Yea it is a fine boy.

3. And his name was Will- Yum.

4. And he did live in the great house at Pots-Dam and did wax fat and lusty, even as it had been ordained ; so that it did seem as if he was like unto the children of men.

5. But the elixir from the measure, even the measure of Satan, did do its work; and his left arm was withered. And where his heart should have been there was a stone; and where his conscience should have dwelled, there was nothing at all.

6. And behold while he was but a child, that did come to pass which did show what manner of man he was to be.

7. For the word was sent forth that the Ministers, and Princes, and Counsellors, from all parts of the kingdom should get them up upon a day and pay their respects to this their future ruler; even to the child Will-Yum.

8. And what time they looked upon the child it came to pass that one of the Counsellors did dangle before him a cunning machine so devised that to look thereon was to know the hour of the day and that without consulting the sun; and which machine could also speak two words, even Tick-Tack.

9. And behold no sooner did the child Will-Yum see this marvellous machine, and did hear its voice say Tick-Tack, than straightway did he grab it, and would not again deliver it up.

10. Seeing the which, his father and those that were with him rejoiced exceedingly, and made them merry saying: See now how he already knoweth to take advantage of Time; and also: Behold that which Will- Yum wanteth, he taketh; and that without any bones.

11. But as for the Counsellor, though he did compel his face to smile, his heart was heavy within him; seeing that he had borrowed the cunning machine for that day only, and from one Ja-Kob whose sign ever hangs over his tent even the three balls ; and to him did he have to render up in lieu of the machine many shekels.

12. Also was there an occasion whereupon the boy Will-Yimi was very sick; so that his mother was sore troubled: and she did summon from a far country a learned physician and scholarly.

13. But the boy Will- Yum would have none of him, and did call him evil names and that to his face. Yet did the physician mix him a certain potion and the distemper did leave him.

14. And when that physician returned to his own land they with whom he did foregather to study the distempers to which the body is subject, did question him concerning what manner of sickness it was which had laid hold of the boy Will-Yum.

15. To which the wise man replied: Lo he hath three mighty swelHngs. He hath a swelling of the throat even the Ton-Sils, and that I can cure. He hath also a swelling of the glands, but as ye know that is to me but a little thing.

16. But he hath also, and this last is the greatest, a mighty swelling of the head; and that neither I nor any other man shall ever cure.

17. And it was so.

Chapter IV

1. Now in the fulness of time the father of Will- Yum did die ; and Will- Yum was made King in the land.

2. And he called together his captains and his governors and his armies and did make unto them a great speech saying:

3. Behold now this day I even Will- Yum am put over ye ; this day and for ever. Know ye henceforth that there be but two Rulers under heaven Me and God ; and as I am a man of no peradventure, of the two of us, I counsel ye to put your trust in me.

4. From this day also, there is but one law; which is my law; even as I shall lay it down to ye. There is but one Sun and I am It.

5. From this day, those things are, which I do say; and likewise a thing is not so, if I do say it is not. Bow ye down therefore and worship me as I do deserve.

6. Whereat some of the rulers who did hear him, did afterwards gather together in secret and did wonder at his words saying : Verily is he a marvel ; and for humility, where shall we find his like? Others did say He hath a Devil even the Devil called of men Swel-Ded.

7. But nevertheless the people, and the rulers, and the captains, did obey his word lest evil should befal them.

8. So that Will- Yum did put his yoke upon them and did sit their shoulders to his full bent; making it a law that all that was done of the people should be by order; and nothing should be done otherwise that was done, and not one thing unless he should permit it.

9. Inasmuch that if a certain man did dwell upon the north side of the way, and did desire to take him a tent on the south side thereof, he could not move him, nor his goods, nor his chattels, without first getting him up to the authorities even the Per-Leece and saying : Grant me I pray ye a licence to move my tent to the other side even the south side of the way.

10. Whereupon the chief man, and he who had authority would say: Verily thou shalt move thy tent even as thou desirest ; but only if thou hast wit enough to solve me this wise saying; for knowest thou that all who do dwell upon the south side are passing wise.

11. And the saying which thou must solve is this: He only goeth across who cometh across: and in the stating thereof, the head man did wink the other eye.

12. And lo a paradox did arise; for those only went across who were able to come across. And some came across who were not afterwards allowed to go across; the reason thereof being that they did not come across with a sufficiency which was sufficient.

13. For the head man of the Per-Leece was mighty of stature ; and his palm was of an exceeding bigness. Also the pocket of his tunic was deep.

Chapter V

1. Now when Will- Yum saw that the people were willing to carry his yoke, his gall increased mightily ; and no longer would last year's hat go nigh his head.

2. And he did hold counsel with himself in secret saying: Now behold do all men regard me as a mighty man of valour; for I am known to the uttermost corners of the earth as the one and only Mailed Fist.

3. Yet methinks that some men in their hearts do say: Lo he is but a Fist. A man who prateth of shining armour. As to his brain it is no more than the brain of him who doth belabour the squad which is called Awk- Wad even the Drill Sar-Gent.

4. And so thinking in his heart, Will- Yum did make a covenant with himself saying: Now will I give me to the great things of life; even to Kul-Tur, and to the making of great pictures, and of pleasing sounds, and of great words which are as music to the ear of man.

5. So he got him many colours and did paint him a picture and did place it up where it could be seen of men; and he called together those who were greatest in the land at the bespattering of the canvas and the mixing of the paints.

6. And he said unto them: Look ye: and do your hearts good at the sight. Far be it from me to give an opinion of that which mine own hands have wrought; but as wise men, valuing your lives and your positions within these my realms, tell me truly and as ye think, can ye do anything which shall have the same merit ?

7. And he who was greatest in all the land at the making of the picture did look upon the work which Will- Yum had perpetrated and did draw in his breath tight, and did say: All Highest. I painted when I was young, and now that I am old is my name known throughout the land; and this I say of this thy picture: Verily it taketh the breath. Never before did I see anything like unto it. Assurest thou me that thou didst this alone, and that without help ?

8. And Will- Yum did smile a great smile, and say : Thou hast said it. None other hand but mine did touch the canvas. Now from thy words do I know that thou art in truth the greatest critic in all the land. Take now this Order even the Order of the Lym- Brush.

9. And he who' was the second greatest at the art did come forward and did take but the one look at the picture which Will- Yum had set up, when the tears did start to run from his eyes, and he did say:

10. Oh Emperor. This thing that thou hast done doth overcome me wholly. Ask me not to make a great saying of words; for in the presence of this thy work, my feelings, unable to get them out by any other way, do gush out at mine eyes ; and only because they do thus escape me, am I saved from a great evil even the evil of sudden death.

11. This will I say however, that never before have mine eyes looked upon a painting which did create within me the same impression.

12. And seeing his tears, Will- Yum did call for his nose cloth, and did sob with a great sob; saying: What praise is like unto the praise of the tear? By these same tears do I know thee to be a great man of knowledge; but praise me not too highly; for I do these great things which ye do only after years of training, with an ease unspeakable; but only by the help of God.

13. Yea, said the great man of Art, Now doth thou speak that which is of the very essence of truth; and will I say that the very words which did arise to my lips when mine eyes did first fall upon this thy work, were: God help me.

14. And Will- Yum said unto him: Now do I know thee also for a great man and worthy. Take thou this Order even the Order of the Chinese White.

15. And he who was the third greatest at the Art did now draw nigh and did look upon the picture.

16. Then did he open his lips saying: All Hail Highest Emperor. Great indeed is this thy work. Nay I know not which giveth to me the greatest delight, Whether it be to look upon the mighty rock which thou hast depicted upon the left, or to feast mine eyes upon the glorious ocean which thou hast painted there upon the right.

17. But behold no sooner had he uttered these words, than Will- Yum did wax exceeding wrath; and did cry out with a loud voice so that all who heard him did tremble:

18. Dolt and Dunderhead that thou art.

Since how long hast thou been stricken with bHndness ? That which thou callest a mighty rock, as any man but thee can see, is myself Will- Yum upon mine horse; and as for thy prating about an ocean, art thou in thy dotage that thou knowest not the difference between an ocean, and a stretch of meadow such as I have there painted ?

19. Get thee from my presence; and from this day shalt thy name be no more known amongst those who do use the brush.

20. And it was so.

21. Now it came to pass that the other two great men who had been called to give judgment upon the picture, did afterwards foregather in a foreign city; and he who was the greater did say unto the other:

22. Tell me I pray thee, what meant thou when thou didst say that the abomination did create within thee The Impression?

23. And he replied: Lo, I did mean the impression that it was intended for a picture. But tell me what thou didst mean when thou didst say that never before had thou seen an3rthing like unto it ?

24. And he replied: Verily I meant that which I did say: Never had I seen its like. Also I pray heaven I may never again do so.

25. And the two great men at the Art did put them each his tongue into his cheek; and they did drink their lager.

26. As for Will- Yum he did turn his hand to other things; today making the Mu-Zik and tomorrow the Po-e-Try and calling upon the learned men to express wonderment thereat; or otherwise to be grievously beswatted.

27. So that most men who were wise and not only learned, did look at his works, and to his face did express great wonderment. After which they quickly got them out and took the air.

Chapter VI

1. Now the father of Will- Yum had two wise men to whose words he did ever pay heed.

2. One of these was By-His-Mark so called because no treaty might be made with any nation, nor no order of the King be given out without his consent.

3. The other wise man was named Molk and he was a great man of war, and cunning ; for he had spent his days in the solving of the mighty mystery how two warriors might be so placed that they might work the destruction of four.

4. But when Will-Yum was come to the throne, he did find these Counsellors irksome.

5. By-His-Mark had upon a day seen the claws of a mighty Bear and did know that they can scratch with a mighty and a fierce scratchiness.

6. When therefore Will-Yum did write upon his slate: The Bear hath no claws,

By-His-Mark did rub out the word No and thereat Will-Yiim was wrath.

7. And Molk did say : The most dangerous part of the fire tube, even the Kan-Non is the mouth thereof; but to this Will- Yum replied :

8. Thou liest; for every man doth know that the powder of the magician is put in at the other end ; therefore is that end the most dangerous.

9. So Will-Yum dismissed these wise men saying: Out with ye and away. Verily were ye useful to lighten the footpath of he who did come before me; but when I the Sun am up, there is no need for the candles to be kept burning.

• 10. Now when these wise men were gone, there arose a multitude of false prophets and soothsayers who did speak and write only that which they knew would sound sweet in the ears of Will-Yum.

1 1 . And these men were of the generation of Honken and Mum-Sen and Zy-Bell and of one whose name no man can utter save only when he shall have a cold in the head ; for his name is like unto a sneeze; and behold he it was who was the greatest of all sneezes.

12. And this was the burden of their soothsayings ; even the words which Will- Yum did drink in.

13. Behold now, said they, Art thou not Will- Yum? And he said Yaw.

14. And is there any like unto thee for wisdom and learning, and the Arts of Po-e- Try and Painting, and for Kul-Tur?

15. And Will- Yum replied: Ye say there is not, and verily will I deal hardly with any who shall contradict ye.

16. And they did ask: Is it not true that God did know well of thy greatness and did because thereof give thee but the one arm, knowing well that with the one arm couldst thou do all that other men do with the two?

17. And Will-Yum replied : Far be it from me to boast ; for what I do, I do all by the glory of God; but this much will I say that God hath in me a wonderful shining advertisement.

18. And again they said: Art thou not a man of a hard composition, and one never before heard of, even of blood and iron ?

19. And he said: I am; Also a mailed Fist and, do not forget it, Shining armour.

20. Yea, they replied, and is not thy breast filled with such things as Will-to-

Power, and thy fingers with Itch-to-Grab, and thy pockets with Wish-for-More ?

21. And once again Will- Yum said: Yaw. Yaw.

22. Then, said they, Look thou abroad. Behold the land of the Huns, which thou rulest over, is but a little spot upon the earth. Seest thou not Am-er-Eka, and Kan-a-Da and Aus-Ter-Allia? Of a truth every year what time we do get out for thee the big figures, even the nimaber of men thou dost have within thy realms, we do find that many have gotten them to these places; and not only so, but do they send epistles to those who stay behind, saying: