My confessions to Silvio Pellico

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Chapter I

" Who is it that addresses me?" " Guido Sorelli /" — and whence comes this Guido Sorelli ? or what has he in common with me ?

These questions will naturally present themselves to the mind of Silvio Pellico upon opening my book, and thus I answer them :

In Guido Sorelli, who ventures to address you, picture to yourself a Florentine, who, in search of an honourable subsistence, voluntarily banished himself from his native country in the year 182 1, and has since that period dwelt in England's capital. That which he has in common with you, Silvio, is piety, philosophy, and benevolence. Many readers will doubtless hastily close my book at the very outset for my presumption in venturing to address one to whom I am unknown. But you, Pellico, will listen to me. Your incomparable book, " Le mie Prigioni," is the very mirror of your soul ; and in it I behold reflected that which the Lord takes pleasure in creating — an honest man — the noblest work of God !

Oh Italy ! how blessed art thou to be the parent of a mind so lovely ! God has not yet abandoned my unhappy country

MY CONFESSIONS.

since she may call you her son — you whom the virtuous of every nation will admire, reverence, and endeavour to imitate.

Why may I not consecrate to you, Pellico, the ecstatic feelings awakened within me by your " Prigioni" ? — where shall I look for sufferings so prolonged and so severe — for patience so angelic « — such confidence in God, such forgiveness for the injuries inflicted by man ?

My heart yearns to you with admiration and gratitude. The good you have wrought in me, the courage with which you have animated my spirit, and the many and evident tokens you have displayed to me of God's mercy, attract me to you as to a brother ; you will not then disdain a friendship founded upon the lessons taught me by yourself — upon the love of virtue with which I am inspired by your example ! No ! God would not that you should reject it ; even that God who, whilst men incarcerated your body, shed His spirit upon your living tomb, and was your light, your support, and your comfort ! Bestow then upon me your friendship, as I give you mine. True it is that we are personally unknown to each other — Silvio and Guido may probably never even meet in this world. But it matters not — the soul knows neither distance nor separation. The soul, which can burst asunder the bonds of a dark and corrupt world, and rise to its heavenly dwelling-place to repose in the bosom of its God, can in an instant effect such an union of spirit on earth, that friends may believe themselves near to each other, though their separation be as wide as from pole to pole. You are and ever shall be near to me. My heart shall disburthen itself to you, and take you as its model in courage and in virtue, I will learn from you ever to rely upon God, to bless Him, to praise Him ; and my paradise upon earth shall spring from your own maxim : — " to love much, and hate no man." In the following pages I will endeavour concisely to relate the events of my past life, in which it will be perceived that the same motive which induced you to give your history to the world has also animated Guido, that men may know how much he has endured in this world of sorrow. But who may tell if this offering shall ever meet your eye, or if the span of Guido's life be extended longer than that he may publish to the worl<F how much he cherished the name of Silvio from the hour he first learned his virtue and his philantrophy. But that matters not ; — another world awaits us — a life eternal, where the just will all meet in the presence of their God ! How much the blessed spirits must rejoice when they view from their heavenly dwelling place the triumph of those mortals without whose example and the morality inculcated in their writings, their fellow men had persevered in the iniquity of their ways, and been lost for ever !

Chapter II

Florence is my native town. I know not if you have ever dwelt there, Silvio. It would seem to me as if your nature partook much of the gentleness that characterises my countrymen. But although I would that mine own loved natal home had been also yours, do not imagine me possessed of a spirit so contracted as to be unable to esteem the virtuous and the talented not only of all Italy, but of every nation upon earth, No !— I have not lived so long among strangers without acquiring, in some degree, the feelings of a " Citizen of the World ;" but like yourself, when, in a solitary prison, thoughts of Saluzzo came over your mind, awakening the kindliest feelings, even so does the very name of Florence fall upon my spirit with ail the tenderness of early association. The cradle is our world ; and bright to our imagination is the sun that has shone upon our infancy — dear to memory is the home of our childhood ; though too often obscured by clouds and childish sorrows, still the spot where we have first awakened into existence must be the point in which is centered our first affections, the union of the most tender sentiments of the heart. My father and mother were

B 2 both Florentines, and ranked among the middle class of their countrymen ; but towards the close of the last century, at which period I was born, they obtained some degree of consideration from the wealth they had acquired. Their characters were the exact contrast of each other, but in both the fear of God was a predominant sentiment. In my father was implanted patience, courage, industry, and the noble desire of erecting his own fortune by dint of unwearied labour, constant and fatiguing attention, and honourable dealings. With the love of his Creator, and a feeling of universal philantrophy towards his fellow-creatures, the slighest symptom of dispute or disturbance seemed to sadden his spirit, and shade with sorrow the noble expression of his countenance. His sole ambition was to bestow upon his children an education superior to that he had himself received, to have them instructed in every branch of knowledge of which he was himself ignorant. His first principle was to ascertain our different inclinations. He therefore invited to his house masters of every description, leaving to our choice the selection of such studies as were the most agreeable to us. Unlike the generality of parents at Florence, he wished each of us to pursue a different profession and occupation. He would thus argue :

" Should the capricious wheel of Fortune turn more in favour of one than the other of my boys, he will be enabled to compensate to his brothers for the injustice they shall have received at the hands of the fickle goddess : they will thus be benefited by his prosperity, and each shall have the consolation of bestowing and receiving assistance from his own kindred."

A heart so noble, a mind so serene, was like purified gold — too pure, unmixed as it was with the alloy necessary to mould it into a form adapted to a world like this. Ever ready from his own inclination to do good, a faithful and sincere friend, his heart was incapable of suspicion; so that, judging all men by himself, he dreamed not that the tear of sorrow could be ever feigned, until in one brief hour, by a tale of assumed distress, he was himself deprived of the fruits of fifty years of long and unwearied labour. Amongst those of the legal profession, who attended my father during his misfortunes, more than one suggested to him the plan of re±- taining some of his yet remaining property for the support of himself and his family ; but it may be supposed that he who had ever been alive to every honourable feeling, rejected such a proposal with indignation. No, he paid to the uttermost all that he owed, and with the small residue returned to recommence a laborious life with the energy and content of an honourable mind, conscious of having performed a duty, even though it were accomplished at the expense of his own interest, and knowing that he had still a friend in his heavenly Father, who would alike judge him and all men.

To speak of my mother is a task long, difficult, and painful. The contrast in the characters of my parents is indeed so remarkable, that I must suffer my mind to dwell awhile upon the remembrance of my father's virtue and gentleness before memory snatches me back to those days of sorrow which marked the morning of my life. Prepare, Silvio, for a sad recital. But may be, ere thou hast scarcely listened to my history, thou wilt exclaim : — " If such clouds had not darkened the existence of Guido Sorelli, would he have confided in his God, and pursued the path of virtue ?"

Chapter III

Perhaps not!— why perhaps ?— decidedly not ! Had I been less miserable, I had loved virtue less, and become perhaps my own vain idol, attributing to my sole merit the little good of which I am capable in the world. The ways of God are just and true ; with humility I acknowledge them. I have bent and still mourn beneath the chastening hand of the Lord ; but His burthen has never been heavier than I could bear, for I have

MY CONFESSIONS.

ever felt the smile of a Father beaming upon my soul through the stern frown of a God.

" I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that thou of very faithfulness hast caused me to be troubled."

I have never known a mother's love, nor can I conceive its extent. From my earliest years my mother imagined she perceived in me the germs of a proud and overbearing character. Being naturally hasty, not to say imperious, it was her will that all within her sphere of power should be possessed of a meek and humble spirit ; and, when provoked, nothing disarmed her wrath but humility and silence.

Cleofe, my eldest sister, of whom I shall often have occasion to speak, like myself, had not tears to oppose to the harsh treatment of the severest of mothers. From our cradle, Cleofe and I had evinced for each other the tenderest affection : the same spirit of independence seemed to animate us both, and which, so ill understood by our mother, had been implanted in us by nature, and was therefore innate and irresistible. Be that as it may, Silvio must have guessed already that Cleofe and Guido, scarcely considered in the light of her own offspring by their mother, became the unfortunate objects against whom she levelled all the poignancy of her severity. " Each family has its rebellious member, its evil subject/' she would often say to me, but added, " I will break thy spirit, or thou shalt be no longer my son ! y>

To detail my sufferings minutely from the age of five to that of sixteen, would be a painful task— so painful that I fear my spirit would be scarcely equal to the recital. I shall therefore recall but a few circumstances sufficient to make known my character at that period of existence, when the heart, yet innocent, is open to every impression, and creates to itself a temple of happiness, or lays the foundation of its future misery.

MY CONFESSIONS.

Chapter IV

The high-minded reader will doubtless shudder at the thoughts of a son preparing himself to speak disrespectfully of his mother, and perhaps he will obey the suggestions of his virtuous heart to throw aside the confessions of this Florentine Guido.

- " To slander the dead is an impiety, " methinks I hear him exclaim, t( but to slander a parent, unnatural !" Let him suspend awhile his judgment. That there is much to censure in me I deny not ; but I must not be condemned unheard, and I flatter myself I shall at least obtain sympathy by my recital. — My mother did not understand me, and it was not for me to discover to her the error she had made in judging of my opening character. Children are seldom capable of duplicity ; their words and actions are at once the impulse of the mind and the mirror through which it is reflected. Dissimulation is only acquired by a contact with the world, and a long association with those who habituate themselves to its practice.

My mother was religious, extremely religious ; but unhappily her very limited education subjugated her to the influence of many narrow feelings and prejudices. She loved God, and feared Him, and she believed that His service required of her to humble and prostrate the reed, which from its nature seemed born to raise its head aloft. The plan of education she adopted for me was founded upon what she imagined to be her duty; and I am persuaded that she herself scarcely suffered less in tormenting me, than I did upon whom her punishments were constantly inflicted. Her intentions were however right. God has pardoned her if she erred, and I am wholly resigned to the chastenings of my youth, though blind as I am, I cannot but regret that the beautiful days of childhood were, in my case, blighted with sorrow and stifled affection.

MY CONFESSIONS.

Chapter V

To pretend to foresee evil inclinations in a child, as do some parents, is most dangerous. Be the judgment correct or otherwise, the suspicion is sure to alienate by degrees the affections, and often to awaken a real antipathy. To watch the development of a child's character, is a mother's first and earliest duty, as upon her care depends whether the tender tree incline to either side, or if its growth be erect and beautiful. But besides the difficulty of comprehending the disposition, it requires a calm and dispassionate judgment to anticipate the result of those defects which at this early age begin to manifest themselves. The tares have ever grown, and will ever grow together with the grain. To endeavour to uproot them would be but to injure the corn, and should be the work of God alone. The hand of man must be blessed, and his patience be like that of the angels, before he can separate the weed from the ear of corn, so that it receive no damage.

Pride was the first defect which discovered itself in my disposition — the first thorn that sprang up in the stem. I received a blow ; and because T thought it unmerited, I wept not ; I did more ; I looked in my mother's face with the expression upon my infant countenance of a soul that feels it has been wronged. Without giving herself time to reflect upon the possibility of my innocence of what she chose to designate a crime, or to acknowledge the extreme severity of her punishment, she only viewed my manner of receiving the blow as the proof of a haughty and arrogant character ; and from that moment decided upon the conduct she would for the future pursue towards me ; and thus sealed the destiny of the first sixteen years of my life. " Thou art born to destruction," she exclaimed, " and I will bend thy spirit, or it shall break in the attempt ! "

MY CONFESSIONS.

Chapter VI

Firm in the resolution she had adopted, she ceased not to watch my every action, and to punish most severely even the shadow of an error, even the involuntary faults I committed. Fasting was a mode of punishment frequently employed by her, and this she termed il baston di bambagia; and so repeated were the beatings I received, that I have been compelled in consequence to keep my bed for days together. Each master was desired to treat me with the greatest severity, to employ whatever castigation he pleased for every fault I committed before referring me to my mother. Whenever I chanced to do wrong at home, the servant who accompanied me to the Scuole Pie, was commanded to enter the school-room to proclaim aloud my offence, and my mother's request that I should be punished by the head master.

I was then about ten years of age. Well do I recollect upon those occasions the old servant's dragging me through the streets which intervened between our house and the convent of the Scolopi ; for, from the instant we were without the door of our house, I began to supplicate, even upon my knees, that she would not enter the school or complain of me to the master. My petition was always in vain ; she never once hearkened to me.

The agony of my mind encreased with every step I took towards the convent, until at length I despairingly abandoned myself to my fate. But scarcely had she opened the door of the school-room, to acquit herself of her cruel embassy, than I who had felt the prospect of evil with such painful emotion, and had even betrayed my terror so far as to humble myself upon my knees to a servant in the street, now that it was at hand, no longer feared, but felt myself endued with courage to sustain its severest infliction.

" Upon thy knees, sir, in the middle of the school ! " ex-

B 5 claimed the master upon hearing the complaint. There I remained for three hours ; but this was the mildest punishment he ever inflicted upon me. Often, at the expiration of an hour, I have been condemned to receive six or twelve lashes, Sometimes, with the picture of an ass tied to my neck, accompanied by two of my fellow students, who served as guards or keepers, I have been sent round to receive the hisses of the superior classes ; and not unfrequently have I been compelled to remain an hour upon my knees at the street door of the convent, a spectacle to all who passed. Amongst the multitude who came that way, however, not one ever added to my affliction by smiling at my disgrace. The boys trembled, and looked sympathetically towards me, as though I but anticipated them in the suffering they might themselves have to undergo sooner or later. They were all Florentines, and that is sufficient to explain their kind forbearance. Yes, I must render this justice to my countrymen, that never have I seen a Florentine smile at the misfortunes of another, even when merited by the sufferer. Each time that I returned home, I tremblingly awaited some fresh accusation to be preferred against me, even though I was confident of having acted uprightly ; and the ceremony of wishing my mother good morning, was to me such an ordeal as a convicted criminal must undergo when about to hear his sentence pronounced by the judge. Few indeed were the days, when presenting myself before her, that I did not read in her countenance a foreboding decree of fasting or beating ; and I am quite confident I never saw her smile on me more than three times in mv life.

Chapter VII

It was my mother's maxim that hunger was the best incentive for urging children to attend to their studies. My meals were, in consequence, always reduced to a scanty allowance,

MY CONFESSIONS. 1 I

and I actually suffered the gnawing rigours of hunger for several successive years.

This principle might possibly have been good, if exercised* with moderation ; but employed with unrelaxed severity, as it was by my mother, the only effect it had upon the mind of her child, was to impress him with a fearful sense of her injustice and cruelty. The result of this rigorous privation, was, that scarcely a day passed that I did not entreat my schoolfellows to bring me bread from their homes. " Bread ! give me bread !" I used to say to them, and bread was brought for their famished companion. But it was not to be expected that they would always listen to my petition without requiring some return of service from me ; and the condition became understood at length that I should write their tasks for them. Thus, though I procured bread, it was sure to be attended with its full accompaniment of sorrow ; for if our master discovered the same errors in two exercises, he would not be satisfied until he had found out which of the two had copied from the other. I, fearful that my daily supply should be cut off, always suffered my companion to answer first. He denied it; I dared not contradict him ; and consequently submitted in silence to the lash he ought to have received. The greater crimes for which I have to reproach myself at this period, were also the effect of the hunger I experienced . We dwelt in a beautiful mansion in the Via San Gallo> to which was attached a very large garden, There I used to wander whenever I could escape the watchful eye of the Argus of our house — an old servant much attached to her mistress, who generally held my arms when my mother beat me, and otherwise assisted in my persecution— and then, ripe or unripe, I would strip the trees of their fruit, to satisfy my cravings.

Not four-and-twenty hours elapsed before my mother had discovered the theft from the appearance of the tree; it seemed as if not only the fruit, but the very leaves themselves had been marked by her. Re-entering the house, pale with anger, and seating herself with her accustomed dignity, she commanded all her children to appear before her ; I was the last to present myself, for my conscience smote me as being the guilty one ; this conviction paralyzed my powers. What a spectacle ! what a moment of terror for me ! The beautiful face of my mother — = for she was beautiful — never have I seen a fairer countenance, nor can I forget the splendour of her eyes — was turned on me, and in her penetrating glance I felt she had already guessed my secret crime ; and there too I might read my sentence before it was uttered. The other children who surrounded her bore upon their countenances the serenity of innocence, and all, except Cleofe, stood before her with the profoundest humility, their eyes bent upon the ground. In vain I directed my glance throughout the little assembly upon my entrance in the hope of detecting in one of my brothers a confusion which might encourage me to deny the theft I had committed. All were cold and calm ; no other eye met mine, save that of Cleofe, which, nobly raised from the earth, rested upon me with the compassion of a friend — a sister — an angel !

All that had passed within me, every look, every movement had been already detected by the scrutinizing eye of my mother, so that scarcely had I looked at her ere I exclaimed : "Yes, my mother, / am guilty! " I feared less the infliction of her sentence than its expectation, although the former was always severe — always cruel ; and hunger, with which I was constantly tormented, became at last a demon so powerful, that few were the instances in which I resisted its temptation ; and never did it succeed without consigning me to a fearful punishment.

Chapter VIII

I advanced in age, and each passing year but added to the sense of the misery of my existence. Had man inspired me with the love of God in those days of sorrow ? No ; I even became disgusted with prayer ; for we were compelled by ray mother to engage in it for hours ; and thus I was deprived of that important time I should have otherwise devoted to preparing my lessons for my numerous masters ; and, in consequence, have been spared many a beating and many an epithet of derision. Yet the love of God was in my heart, and like a gentle' - flame, tempered the heavy chill which my mother's want of affection had laid upon my soul, inspired me with courage to bear with my sufferings, and taught me to rely upon my God. There was a chapel belonging to our mansion ; and hither I used often to bend my steps alone. Throwing myself upon my knees, how have I prayed to God that he would make me virtuous or take me from this world of sorrow. Hour after hour have I passed weeping and praying ; and the comfort I ever derived from those moments would be scarcely understood by any, save those who have felt the presence of God, and have sought their earthly Paradise in communing with him. " La priere est si necessaire, et la source de tant de Mens, que Vdme qui a trouve ce tresor, ne peut sempecher d'y revenir, des qu'elle est laissee a elle-meme. — Fenelon.

It is possible that we may have passed through long seasons of disappointed hope, we may have presented our petitions and carried our prayer continually to God, and watched and waited during weeks and months and years, and the answer not come. Notwithstanding this, I affirm that the answer shall come, and I would say to my readers, " Hope on : trust in God, that He will redeem his pledge. He hath said it. No , one word that God hath spoken can possibly fail, till a/Zhath been fulfilled."

" He hath been always mindful of his covenant and promise: that he made to a thousand generations !"

But to this sweet consolation often succeeded such a mental darkness, that I have felt, alike persecuted by man and abandoned by God. It was in such a moment as this, that feeling unable any longer to bear up against the weight of my sorrows, I concealed myself in the darkest corner of the house and violently compressing ray little hands, I inflicted several blows upon my breast, in the hope that I might become ill from the effect — and die.

14 Mr CONFESSIONS.

But my delirium was unproductive of the effect I desired ; so that disgusted with all around me, I sank into an apathy, which rendered me alike insensible to every thing. I cared not for any kind of study. 1 was always punished, and was always anticipating punishment, until, at length, even that became indifferent to me,

This state of mind had lasted for about twelve months, when one morning, Bertinelli the head-master of the Scolopi, sent for me into his pulpit. This Bertinelli had always been the severest of my masters ; but God chose him to be the instrument of my preservation.

It was about three o'clock in the afternoon ; and all the scholars were assembled. Scarcely had I presented myself before him, than he took my hand, and drawing me affectionately towards him, said in a low voice almost in my ear, " What a shame it is, my dear Guido, that a boy like yourself, to whom God has vouchsafed talents and abilities, should waste thus ungratefully the gifts of heaven, and chose rather to merit degrading punishments than to emulate your companions in their career of study and virtue ! Rouse yourself, I conjure you ! Shake off this lethargy from your mind ; and believe me, my dear Guido, you will yet find happiness amongst men, and protection from your God !"

During this address I had kept my eyes fixed on the ground ; but as I thought I heard the voice of Bertinelli become tremulous as he proceeded, and gradually sink into a weaker tone, I raised them and looked in my master's face. The eyes of Bertinelli were filled with tears ! The sight overpowered me ! My heart became softened, and opened to receive the counsel so affectionately given. I burst into tears, and, falling at his feet before the whole of my companions, gave him a solemn promise that I would alter the course of my life.

Oh ! sweet accents of kindness and of persuasion, what do I not owe to you ? What had been the termination of my miserable existence, if, without your intervention, I had persisted in hardening my heart and wilfully blinding myself to every sentiment of good will for man, admiration of that which is good and virtuous, and gratitude towards God ? What an example to parents ! May they learn from my life to employ the severity of the rod only as a physician would a desperate remedy, the hopelessness of his patient's disease requiring an equally desperate measure. I am quite convinced that the most successful method of governing a child of an ardent and fiery temper is by persuasion and mildness.

Chapter IX

And now, my dear Silvio, a ray of light breaks in upon my long night of darkness. Life is an ever varying mixture of light and shadow.

" Fortune by turns on all her cup bestows

Which now with evil, now with good o'erflows •"

Yes, Silvio, a ray of light did break in upon my existence to chase away its darkening shadows ! The unexpected succour of heaven, when the heavy hand of misfortune has so prostrated us, that the anxious mind can see no way of escape, is so beautiful a proof of the existence of a God, the love of a heavenly parent, and the dignity of the soul, that our past sorrows are no longer remembered as such, but we rather bless Him, who has employed the hand of man as the instrument of our affliction to restore us by the hand of a God ! Oh ! what a beautiful serenity was now diffused over my soul ! what a holy calm played round my heart ! what a blessed union did I feel of courage and humility, patience and virtue ! Dear Silvio, what a heavenly day was that to my feelings ; it was the happiest of my life ! But then no heinous sin had yet stained my soul : and, although men frowned on me, God regarded me not with the severity of a judge, but with the tenderness of a Father.