Memoirs of the life and religious experience of Ray Potter : minister of the Gospel, Pawtucket ...

Front matter

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Preface

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I can truly say, that to touch on the subject of the difficulty which has taken place years ago between myself and the Free Will Baptists, is disagreeable; nevertheless I knew not how consistently to avoid it. It is so; remains so; and they themselves lost no time in publishing it to the world: and as I undertook to write the memoirs of my life, if I were to have entirely passed over that, it would undoubtedly have been concluded by some, that I considered ed myself altogether in the fault, and was unwilling to let the case and circumstances be known. Let it be remembered, that my writings, in reference to this subject, are on the defensive; and not altogether on mj oivn account neither, 1 shall undoubtedly be considered by them, harsh, censorious, and revengeful, as heretofore ; but I hope, nevertheless, that I have not indulged in a malignant spirit in writing, nor untrue or unjust expressions in reference to the subject. And I am very confident that nothing in all which I have said can be found equally censorious with some of their expressions in relation to myself, particularly some remarks made by one of their preachers in Quarterly Meeting, and afterwards published in the Magazine, not long since, which evidently were made in allusion to me, as I think the author will not deny. To be sure, I have borne testimony against their proceedings, and that for a good reason ; because I considered them wrong. If this be considered uncharitable and revengeful, then so be it ; I must bear the mark forever!

I would remark that in the following work I have not entered into a discussion of the subject of the communion, considering that it might not be profitable. I am, however, on the open communion plan, and the church under my care — and of course are not members of the Association. I am, however, as an individual, a life member of the Baptist State Convention, and for two years past have been appointed one of the board of managers, and take pleasure in lending my feeble aid in their Missionary operations, and all laudable undertakings.

Fawtucket, June 4, 1829.*

*If I live until the 22d of this month I shall be thirty-four years old.

CHAPTER I. Page Parentage— Birth— Childhood—Youth, &c. - - 13

CHAPTER 11. .

Early Religious Impressions — Conversion, &c. - - 18

, CHAPTER HI.

Public Profession of Religion — Misconstruction of the subject of Bearing the Cross — Lukewarmness in Religion — Was taught the Arminian system of Theology, &c. &c. 43

CHAPTER IV.

Trials respecting speaking in public — Family Worship and Preaching — Imprisoned for refusing to bear arms — Severe Sickness and consequent Exercises of Mind, - - 61

CHAPTER V.

Extreme Nervous Weakness — Commenced Preaching in Providence — The Church in Cranston dissent from the Six Principle Baptists, on account of the Ordinance of Laying on of Hands— Views of that subject, &c. - 8(

CHAPTER VI.

Extraordinary Trials and Apprehensions of having Fallen Irrecoverably Away — Fears of having Committed the Unpardonable Sin— Glorious Deliverance, &c. &c. • 112

Xn CONTENTS.

CHAPTER VII.

More and Dreadful Trials and Fearful Apprehensions of having Fallen Away beyond the reach of Mercy — Resulted in being Convinced that the Doctrine of Falling from Graee was not a Bible Doctrine, &c. &c. - - 130

CHAPTER VIII.

Temporal Affairs — Difficulties respecting Meeting-House —

Separation from Free Will Baptists, &c. &c. - 158

CHAPTER IX.

Further Examination and Renunciation of the Arminian System, &c. - - - - - - 193

CHAPTER X.

Relation of external circumstances continued from Chapter

VIII. — Exercises and state of mind farther described; &c. 251

Appended, Letter to Lorenzo Dow.

CHAPTER I.

Parentage — Birth — Childhood — Youth, Sfc.

I WAS born in Cranston, R. I. about five miles west of Providence, June 22, 1795, where I resided until I was about twenty-five vears of age. My father's name was Andrew, and my mother's mai'den name was Nancy Remington, born in the town of East-Greenwich, R. I. My father is yet alive,* but my mother is no more ; she died in hope of a blessed immortality, almost two years since, having numbered about sixty-five years on earth. My parents were poor, but according to the general acceptation of the term, I believe they always maintained an irreproachable moral character. They however lived, according to their own testimony, by far the greater portion of their days, without God and religion in the world. My mother, I believe, was brought to the knowledge of the truth about sixteen years since, near the time that God called me by his grace, and ever after was a burning and shining light in the church, a mother in Israel, and finished her course with joy. My father lived still longer in a state of alienation from God, it being but about eight years since the Holy Spirit convinced him that he was a lost and undone sinner, notwithstanding all his claims to what the world are pleased to term a moral life. He is now, I hope, at rest in a

» Since the above was written, ray father has deceased. His last end was peace.

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better world. My parents being destitute of religiofS themselves, were incapacitated to give their children religious instruction, consequently I never received any from them in the days of my childhood or youth, nor do I recollect that ever any person on earth conversed with me personally, in order to call my attention to the great concerns of eternity, and the salvation of my soul, until God arrested me by his powerful Spirit, and translated me, as I hope, into the kingdom of his Son. But my parents gave good instruction so far as they had travelled themselves, and also enforced precept by their own example, for which I have reason to bless God; for I believe it was in consequence of their labours to hold up to my view in the days of my childhood what the world term dishonesty, together with all external wickedness and immorality in such disgusting colours ; that the loathing it seemed to be coeval with my existence. For notwithstanding I have found myself to be one of the greatest sinners that ever the world bore up, yet I cannot recollect the time when I did not look on what is generally termed dishonesty with the utmost abhorrence. I remember when but a child, of being greatly distressed while with my mother, as she wa& gathering some very small brush, about as large a» iny little fingers, for fear it was stealing. One day, when about seven years old, as it was a fashionable thing with my play-mates, I thought I would use profane language, and not be so singular. But it seemed impossible. I uttered one or two oaths, when I became $0 panic-struck with the thought of taking the name of God in vain, that I abandoned it forever. Indeed I was preserved generally speaking from outbreaking sins and open wickedness in the days of my childhood and youth, which in itself was a mercy of God, and a blessing for which I ever should be thankful ; yet nevertheless I turned this mercy, (as I am sure to do all others, unless prevented by divine grace) into a curse, which would certainly have ruined my $oui forever, if God had not interposed with the arm

Liri: OF RAY POTTER. 15

«f his power and all conquering grace, and rescued me from impending ruin. I say I turned it. into a curse. I mean I was one of the proudest Pharisees that ever lived, admiring and trusting in myself, while I condemned without mercy every deviation in others from my rules of self-righteousness. O how little did I then think that my heart was as a cage of unclean birds — deceitful ahove all things and desperately wicked — that I was entirely destitute of holiness, or that love to God and man, which the law requires ; and that it was altogether owing to the restraining grace of God, that I differed from the vilest out-breaking sinner on earth. 1 now see plainly, that nothing short of an omnipotent, all-wise God, could ever have convinced me of these things, and all the talk about mere moral suasion being sufficient to bring such proud, obstinate, self-righteous, and self-conceited wretches as I was, to the knowledge of the truth, now sounds to me like idle tales. As it respects my natural feelings, they were easily moved. I was easily irritated, and on the other hand, I was too easily persuaded. Good nature, moving address, and pleasant words, were to me almost irresistible, and I know not into which of these weaknesses and foolish extremes I wag most frequently thrown. The power of sympathy with me was always strong. I was easily moved with the sufferings of my fellow beings, and although extremely irritable, and easily excited, yet I never to my recollection inflicted a blow on one of my playmates or companions in youth. And this not because I feared being vanquished, (for 1 reigned king among them in wrestling, on which I vahied myself) but because my natural feelings revolted at the sight of suffering and distress ; and it is impossible for me to describe my sensations and pain, whenever I witnessed any two engaged in bruising each other.

I was naturally of a lively turn of mind, and excessively so, except at times or intervals, when I was almost overwhelmed in melancholy and dejection. I always had a thirst after reading. At a very tender

16 LIFE OF hav toff&U.

age my parents were frequently under the necessity of using their authority in compelling me to leave my books at a late hour, and retire to my bed. History was my delight. It was a great mercy that I possessed this taste for books, for without it, I should not have attained a common school education, as my privileges for obtaining it were quite limited. My parents being poor, and having a large family, it became indispensibly necessary that I should be put to labour as soon as my age would possibly permit. I however generally made a shift, after having worked through the summer for wages, to obtain a place in the winter where I could be allowed my board and the privilege of going to school for what I could do independently of my school hours. I pursued my studies closely when I had opportunity, rising at 4 o'clock in the winter season, and devoting the hours between this and sunrise, to English grammar, so that I might attend to other branches in school. In this way I acquired a tolerable English education, was considered qualified to teach a school myself, which I engaged in at different times, with general satisfaction, and was also employed for about three years as clerk of a manufacturing establishment in my native town. My father however being a mechanic himself, and considering it an indispensible duty binding on himself to give all his sons a trade, I accordingly commenced working with him at the carpentering business, and acquired a knowledge of that art. I was therefore a carpenter and the son of a carpenter — but how unlike Him, M^ho was the reputed son of Joseph, and who undoubtedly worked at the humble occupation himself!

I was much taken up with politics at a very early age, was extremely tenacious of my principles, and vehement in declaiming, when quite a boy, against those political men and measures which were averse to the predilections of my childhood, and against which my earliest prejudices had been excited, from hearing the conversation of my relatives ^nd friends.

My father was a soldier in the revokitionary conliict. and I used to listen to the recital which he often gave of the scenes which he passed through, and which came under his ohservation while in the army, contending for the independence of his country. I read much of the rise and fall of empires, of the wars of the ancient Greeks and Romans, and was frequently carried away with a kind of political enthusiasm, and filled with admiration and delight in reading and hearing of the patriotic and chivalrous exploits of great generals, valiant conquerors, and invincible armies. I had a great thirst for military glory, and entered . voluntarily a member of a chartered military company, some time before the law required me to bear arms, and had my vanity gratified in being chosen clerk of the company immediately, and stdod fair in the usual course of gradation for a commission, when my mind took a turn another way, and I renounced it altogether. In short, I had glory in view, (I mean my own glory) in my youthful days, and felt determined to wade through difiiculties and obstacles to attain it, which was one great reason why I did not spend much of my time as many of my playmates did, who were not so moved on by the pride of their hearts, to seek for something great to attract the notice and draw forth the praise of mortals, but whose depravity induced them to pursue a different course of present sensual gratification. Thanks be to him wlio eventually taught me that I was following after a shadow, an imaginary enjoyment, which never could be realized in the way which I was running, but that Wlj then present course would lead me on to disgrace, instead of honour, and if I did not stop and turn from the error of my ways, I should soon find myself clothed with shame and everlasting contempt.

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CHAPTER II. Early Religious Impressions — Conversion, Sfc

I was always in bondage through fear of death, until the grace of God delivered me from it, by the forgiveness of my sins. I was, perhaps, uncommonly exercised with gloomy thoughts on this subject, in the xery early part of my life. I used to lament bitterly, that I must die, when but a small child. I used to meditate upon the subject and thought if I must die, I would beg to be buried near by the house of my parents, for I could not bear the thoughts of being deposited in the lonesome grave-yard. I remember entering into conversation upon this subject, when six or seven years old, with my brother N. which was really affecting to me. He told me the reason why we must all die — because Adam eat the forbidden fruit. I lamented bitterly that Adam had brought this ruin upon his posterity. It was a dreadful thought to me that my body must see corruption, and be devoured by worms. Thoughts like these would frequently break in upon my mind, and mar my enjoyment in the pleasures of sin.

When about ten years old, I was put by my father to work for a farmer, about three miles from home, through the season. During the time I staid here, I was inexpressibly unhappy Removed from the company of my parents, and among strangers, I was in a situation to have my mind overwhelmed with foreboding thoughts of death and eternity ; and added to those reflections on these subjects which were ordinary^ was the idea that the world would be destroyed that season. There was to be an extraordinary conjunction of the planets that season, and some one had declared that a conflagration of our earth would certainly take place at the same time. This filled my mind with horror— I used scripture to calm my fears« but still being an unbeliever, it would not support me.

LIFM OF RAY POTTER. 19

How different is that trust which a person reposes in the word of God, who never has had a Divine assure ante impressed on his mind of the truth of the scriptures, from that of him who has seen the kingdom of God — into whose heart God who commanded light to shine outof darkness,has shined, to give him the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. I was almost every day in great consternation. I frequently imagined that I saw a great difference in the appearance of the sun from its usual aspect, and expected every moment it would begin to scorch the earth, and that the elements would melt with fervent heat. I sometimes fell on my knees and prayed to God. I was filled with apprehension when I retired to rest at night, that the dreadful catastrophe would transpire before morning. I scarcely dared to close my eyes in sleep, and felt disconsolate and unhappy beyond description.

But the summer passed away — the world stood unshaken, and I returned in autumn to my father's house. But I forgot God and all his benefits. I grew harder in sin, and more lively and vain than ever. I spent the winter at school. The ensuing spring I was engaged to Mr. K. of Cranston, a kinsman of my father. He filled a number of important ofiices in the State and town. He kept a grocery store in which I attended ; worked in the garden, &c. in the summer, and attended school in the winter. He was remarkably kind and indulgent, and never gave me an angry word that I recollect, during the two years which I lived with him.

I do not recollect many serious thoughts in the course of these two years. The Sabbath in the neighbourhood was almost wholly disregarded — grocery stores being generally opened for the sale of spirituous liquors ; and it was made a place of rendezvous by persons from different parts of the town, to assemble for recreation, such as ball-playing, and the like. O how much like a heathen I passed mj precious time on the Sabbath, and other time which should hare so LIFE OF RAY POTTER.

been devoted to the service of God. I remember one cireumstance which I have often thought of with some degree of astonishment, which I will here mention. — I had been engaged one day (if my memory serves me it was on the Sabbath) in ungodly recreation with one of my young companions, and after having grown weary with our exercise, we sat down in a grove to rest, and began to converse ; when he assumed an air of positiveness, and told me that, notwithstanding I was then so vain and wild, I should yet be a preacher of the gospel. Although, perhaps, I could not long after recollect a single item of the conversation which passed between myself and my young mates at this season of my life, but this^ yet this Was always retained in my mind.

At the expiration of about two years, I left Mr. K's and went to live with bis father, the Hon. Mr. K. of Cranston, who was uncle to my father, and a very particular friend of our family. He was then a representative from Rhode-Island, in the Congress of the United States, and had just returned home, when I commenced my residence with him. I loved him affectionately, and anticipated much comfort in company with him and his family. But my expectations were blasted. When he returned from the South, he was out of health, and although it was hoped that a relief from the cares with which he had been loaded, would be the means of his, restoration, yet his friends were disappointed in their anticipations, by seeing him daily failing, and apparently, rapidly approaching eternity. At length the fatal hour came — the family, and I among the rest, were called in the watches of the night, to witness the last conflict between life and death — the reigning king conquered. It made an impression on my mind not easily to be described. I made promises to God to live a better life. I felt dejected and melancholy for a season, but soon relapsed into my old course of sin and folly. I was, however, frequently disturbed in my mind, and sometimes death and judgment were so presented to my view, as almost to drive me to distraction, for a few moments, until I could obtain respite by turning away my attention.

In consequence of the death of Mr. K. it was necessary for me to seek employment somewhere else.— ^ 1 accordingly accepted an offer from Mr. B. of Piovi-* dence, with whom I (Continued until the ensuing spring,- attending in his grocery store* This, however, ivaa^ not a situation much calculated to effect a refonnatioii in me, even if such a Work had depended on human means*. I grew nothing better, but rather worse. In the spring (beiilg fourteen years old the June follow-^ ing) I bargained with Mr. F. of Cranston, to work oil his farm through the summer. Here I found a situation in many respects calculated to foster serious reflections, if I had been disposed to improve it, I was remote from my young and merry companions in sin — the situation was retired, it being a very large farm, and the house about in the centre, and but a few houses within a considerable distance. There were, however, disadvantages. Some of the family were deistical. Miss E. F. a single lady, who had attained to about the age of forty, having natural abilities of a superiour order, used to entertain me with her philosophical lectures. She was peculiarly gifted in communicating her ideas. She used to expatiate on the character of God from his works of creation and providence, and considered the doctrines of the gospel entirely inconsistent with his moral perfections. What a pity that such rare abilities should be so perverted, and made subservient to the propagation of the principles of infidelity, and infusing them into the minds of the youth !

I think it was about this time that I some^ times spoke against the bible ! I remember of harangueing my young companions on the subject, and declaring to them the bible could not be true, for it ;was self-contradictory. This I wickedly said, when at the same time, I had not read, perhaps, twenty chapters in it, during my life. I was egregiously ignorant of even the theory of the Christian religion. — What £^n opposition reigns in the heart of man to Qod and his truth ! How many in the world do as I did, condemn the bible and the Christian religion as a fable, wlio have never given the subject an hour's candid attention in their lives. All which they know of it, is, that it condemns them in their rebellion against God, and in order to rid themselves of this, they condemn that, without ceremony, not taking the trouble to examine the evidences (which are irresistible) of its authenticity. But I did not often do this. There was with me, almost constantly, a kind of foreboding that the bible was true, notwithstanding all the deistical arguments which I heard to the contrary, and the willingness of my own heart to fall in with error. I was like the tioubled sea, whose waters cannot rest. The thoughts of death and eternity were much on my mind. The farm lay contiguous with the bay, and I made a practice of walking to the shore in the evening, and seating myself on the banks, and there give way to reflection. Vessels were almost continually passing and repassing, and my mind would often be much attracted to try the sea, and visit distant climes in quest of happiness and wealth. I found an aching void in my mind, which nothing would seem to fill. I was often dejected and melancholy to such a degree, that I knew not what to do with myself.

The summer, however, passed away, and I returned to my father's neighbourhood, and resided with Mr. K. again through the winter, and attended school. — He now kept a public house, and I was surrounded with company the most of the time, who were ready to foster my natural levity, and help me forward in wickedness. I was a bright scholar in such a school, and made lamentable proficiency in sinning against God. O what a wonder of mercies that he did not iiurlme down to hell.

In the spring I returned to work for Mr. F. and passed this summer much in the same state of mind, as I did the preceding. When I came to be more retired from young company, and occupied my leisure moments in reflecting on my past life, and the scenes

LlFEi OP RAY POTTER. 2g

%hich were before me, I was often filled with horror. I made a great many vows to God if he would spare me another year, I would reform. I used frequently to visit the neighbourhood of my father, on the Sabbath, and associate with my companions in their recreations ; but on my return in the '* cool of the day," I was always condemned in my conscience, for what I had been engaged in, and would then vow to God, that I would never do so more. But my righteousness was like the morning dew, it soon passed away ; my vows which I made, almost without number, were as often broken as I made them ; and finally I became more careless arid hardened than ever. In this state I passed along, sinning against God with a high hand until the spring of the year that I was seventeen years old. I was at this time at work with my father, learning his trade. Sometime in April I was interrupted in my course of hilarity and sensual gratifications. — Although I afiocted fearlessness and unconcern respecting the ultimate consequences of my career in another world, yet I was in reality, at times inexpressibly fearful of the result — and although I pretended to much knowledge and wisdom, yet in fact, I was ignorant and foolish in respect to the character and government of God, in the moral and natural world, and was, therefore, in a situation to be affected and tossed about with whimsical stories and old-wive's fables.

At this time a report was put in circulation, that an angel from heaven had made the solemn news known to some person, that a universal conflagration of nature would take place on the 16th of .Tune ensuing.

If my memory serves me, there were pamphlets published, giving the particulars of this extraordinary revelation. If I had been a tiue believer in the word of God, I should have been ready to have met this ridiculous tale with Paul's declaration — *' though an angel from heaven preach any other gospel, let him be accursed." But in the state of mind which I was then in, I had no Divine, assurance of the authenticity of

94 Life of ray potted.

the scriptures, produced in my mind, by the influence of the Spirit of God on my hearty but only a foreboding that the awful threatenings to the wicked, contained in them, were true ; and this conviction of their truth^ was the result of extrinsic evidence, like the faith of those, who, in the days of Christ's manifestation in the flesh, believed in him because they saw the miracles which he wrought. But this is not saving faith. I was in great horror of mind, although I would not, for the world, have let any of my friends know I was in the least disturbed. I determined, however, to reform entirely, T read the bible some, and was watchful over my conversation and conduct ; I thought I would endeavour to be ready for the event, if possible, if it should transpire, and went diligently to work to mend up the '' old garment. "^^ Yet, so consummate was the pride of my heart, that I kept my concern hidden as much as possible, from those who w^ere around me. The day finally came —I watched the wheels of nature closely in the fore part of the day, not knowing, but that before mid-day they would cease to move. But they rolled on as usual, and the sun ere long, was hidden below the western horizon. I felt my distress removed, as I suppose many poor deluded hypocrites do, when they imagine their sins are forgiven, and they are out of danger of hell. These were not my ideas, however, for I knew nothing even in theory, about the necessity of our sins being forgiven, in order to meet God in peace. My ideas ran altogether in the channel of mending, not thinking that it was important that the hack debt should be cancelled. I grew happy and was transported. Poor wretch ! how little common sense was manifested in thus not realizing that I was every moment in danger of dropping into xhe lake which burns with fire and brimstone, where I should have been tormented forever and ever. I began again to give myself latitude in sin, and pursued my old course — astonishing depravity ! yet so blind was I, that I had not the least apprehension that I was entirely depraved. O the long suffering of God

LIFE OF RAir POTTER. 25

that he did not cut me down as a vile cumberer of the ground. I went on for some weeks taking my fill with sin, more hardened and more easy than ever.

But the time of my redemption drew nigh, when God was about to shew the power of his all-conquering grace, in turning the heart of one to himself, whom moral suasion, the use of means, fear of hell, &c. in themselves considered, had entirely failed to do : and one who, notwithstanding all the vows hehad made — the horror of mind experienced on account of fearful apprehensions of hell, yet plainly manifested that he should go willingly and voluntarily down to the abodes of eternal despair, if his heart was not made subject to the creating power and energies of the Holy Ghost.