Etiquette, health and beauty

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Preface

Society, like any other complex organization, must adopt a code of rules for its proper management and maintenance, and these laws must find their authority in their perfection of adaptability for attaining certain ends. The laws of etiquette, though they may sometimes appear trivial, all have a firm basis in some consideration of good taste, decency, modesty or common sense; and every refinement of ceremony which fashionable society can invent tends to increase the security and stability of the social system. Whatever enjoyment we obtain from society, from that agglomeration of morning calls, breakfasts, dinner parties, luncheons, evening entertainments, prolonged visits, rides, drives, operas, theaters, and all which go to make up the business of gay life, and some portion of which enters into all life; whatever enjoyment we obtain from our daily intercourse with others, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole machinery, keeps every cog and wheel in place, at its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries all things along comfortably to their consummation. Instead then of regarding the understanding of these laws as a trivial thing, we should rather look to see if observance of them will not lead the way to a still higher level of life and manners. For we may rest assured that etiquette, placing every individual, as it does, on the plane of sovereignty, never forgetting his rights and dignities, giving him his own place, and keeping others out of it, regarding always, as it will be found to do,

4 PREFA CE.

the sensitiveness of the most sensitive, destroying the agony of bashfulness, controlling the insolence of audacity, repressing the rapacity of selfishness, has something to do with morality, and is an expression of the best that civilization has yet accomplished.

There are fundamental principles of good breeding which all persons must observe in their intercourse with their fellow-beings, or be cut off as entirely from such intercourse as if they existed on another planet. And besides, there are details in the arrangement of certain social occasions, as weddings, dinners, receptions, teas, etc., etc. which give the desired air of fashionable righteousness, without which, in many people, the pleasure of social communion would be but legendary. Most of our social laws are copied after those of the English, but the democratic character of our institutions has naturally largely modified them. We allow precedence to but two classes: — to women and the aged — or at least we do in theory; but considerations of station, culture, and, we are sorry to say, even wealth are largely recognized.

Nothing is given in the following pages that has not the sanction of observance by the best society, best not merely in the sense of the most fashionable, but the most cultivated the most natural, and the most worthy of imitation. We shall go back to the alphabet of the subject, and if you, dear reader, are annoyed by the detailed description of customs, you and your friends have observed for ages, remember that these pages have been written for less perfect humanity, and be glad with the pharisaical rejoicing, "that you are not as they are." F. S.

New York, 1884.

Chapter I. Introductions And Salutations

One who speaks with authority says "that per^ sons who have been born and reared in the best society never make a hasty presentation or introduction."

In introducing the individuals, it should be first ascertained, if possible, whether the introduction be mutually agreeable; a gentleman should not be introduced to a lady unless her permission has been previously obtained. The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady, the single lady to the married lady, the inferior in social standing to the superior, the unknown to fame to the famous, or the younger to the elder. In introducing, you say: "Mrs. A., allow me to introduce to vou Mr B. Mr. B., Mrs. A."

When the difference in social standing between two ladies introduced is a debatable one, say, "Mrs. L., this is Mrs. M. Mrs. M.. Mrs. L." Always give a gentleman his appropriate title, for instance: the Rev. Mr. Smith, the Rev. Dr. Jones, Governor Brown, of Texas, Mr. Raphael, the artist, Mr. Shakespeare, the author of Hamlet. If he be a member of Congress, introduce him as the Honorable.

If several persons are to be introduced to one individual, mention first the name of the one person, and then name the others in succession. A slight bow is all that courtesy demands as an acknowledgment to an introduction, hand-shaking having almost fallen into disuse, although two ladies may extend hands, and so also may gentlemen.

If the married lady be glad to know the gentleman presented she says so, with frankness and cordiality; the young lady simply bows and smiles.

If there be any pleasure expressed, it is by tha gentleman, who seldom fails to say some complimentary thing. A married lady should always extend her hand and express a cordial welcome to the stranger brought to her home by her husband, or by a friend.

At receptions, the hostess, unless requested, does not introduce her guests. In these days when society opens wide its doors, not only to the select few, but to the very many, the onus of doing the agreeable to a room full of people is felt by a hostess to be somewhat of a tax upon her powers, and she shrinks from making introductions and prefers to allow the guests to amuse each other. Introductions should be considered wholly unnecessary to a pleasant conversation. Every person should feel that he is, at

THE BEST SOCIETY. g

least for the time being, upon a social equality with every guest present. A lady or gentleman must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in the house, as if there were no more exalted society than that which is present. To converse above the comprehension of a temporary companion is an unpardonable rudeness, and to convey to a fellow guest the impression that surroundings superior to the present are the only ones with which the speaker is familiar, is incontrovertable testimony to the contrary. If polished people were his only customary society, unpleasant comparisons would be impossible to his tongue. Genuine excellence is never compelled to arrest or explain itself, if it happens to be thrown among a people with less polished formalities of manner. A nobility of sentiment compels its possessors to be agreeable to simpler folk whom they meet, and an introduction to an inferior in breeding and position, will never be met with other than a kindly acknowledgment. If they meet again, however, no recognition follows. At dinners, dances, etc., introductions are a social necessity, although it is well for young ladies to dance only with gentlemen of their own party, or with those they have previously known, it is the lady's privilege to determine whether she will recognize a gentleman to whom she has been thus introduced.

If while walking with a friend, you stop for a moment, to speak with another, the two are not introduced, but when you separate, the friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation.

After an introduction, it is the privilege of the io THE USAGES OF

lady to determine whether she will recognize a gentleman, and he is bound to return her bow. It is not enough that he touch his hat — it should be lifted from his head. Between intimate friends it is immaterial who bows first, the lady or gentlemen. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be responsive to her manner.

It is said that " you should never speak to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes," but, as a rule, for a lady upon the street, her smiles are few and her bows formal, but not discourteous. The body is not bent in bowing, the inclination of the head is all that is necessary.

The fashion of bowing, says an English writer, has undergone great changes since the days of the Georges. Now, the body must not be bent, only the head inclined, cordially or otherwise, according to circumstances; genuflections are relegated to dancing and posture masters, whose palmy days are now a thing of the past. In the time of the " merrie " monarch, the plumed and jeweled hat was doffed with a sweeping grace to the very ground and there held until the lady so saluted had passed or retired; now the hat is simply raised in recognition of a fair acquaintance, who must give the initiative by a slight inclination of the head, and we are informed by an aristocratic authority in matters of etiquette that "a gentleman returning the bow of a lady with whom he is slightly acquainted would do so with a deferential air, but if there were an intimacy, he would raise his hat with greater freedom of action, and considerable higher."

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In France, it is the gentleman who bows first, and there too, the bow is the signal of recognition between members of the sterner sex; in England, a nod suffices. A lady's obeisance to royalty fifty years ago, was an acrobatic feat. The knees were bent and the body slowly brought forward in graceful and reverent guise, the equilibrium being recovered by a backward movement, very difficult to perform with ease. But the monarchy waxes old, and republican manners, assertive of independence, make highflown courtesy ridiculous; now a courtesy to royalty is merely a deep dip, a sudden collapse as if on springs, and as sudden a reattainment of the perpendicular.

A well-bred woman will never be capricious in her public recognitions of gentlemen, nor will she be demonstrative. Self-respect will prevent her from expressing any private sentiments of dislike in her public greetings, although she may refuse to recognize an acquaintance for good and sufficient reasons. Her greetings will be fully polite, or they will not be given at all. She will not insult an acquaintance by a frigid salutation, which may be observed by strangers.

A gentleman may ask a lady's permission to turn and accompany her, if he is a particular friend of her family, but he must not stand still in the street to converse with her.

A gentleman walking with a lady touches his hat and bows to whomsoever she salutes in passing.

A gentleman always lifts his hat when offering a service to a strange lady, or when asking pardon for some heedlessness. She bows her acknowledgment, but does not speak.

As it is not convenient for a gentleman when driving to lift his hat, etiquette permits a bow, with which the lady must be satisfied. If riding, he may lift his hat or touch it with his whip.

When a gentleman enters a drawing-room for a short call, he always carries his hat leaving his overshoes, overcoat aad umbrella in the hall, if it be winter time. The lady, unless an invalid or advanced in years, rises to receive him, and extends her hand or not as she chooses; if she does so, the gentleman does not remove his glove, as of old. At his departure, the lady bows her adieux, but must not again extend her hand.

A lady does not accompany a gentleman to the door of the parlor unless he be an elderly person, or some one whom she particularly desires to honor.

Chapter II. Visiting Cards And Visiting

The texture of the card should be fine, and its engraving in plain script; written or printed cards are not used, the cost of engraving being trifling. Colored or glazed cards and the ornamentation sometimes seen, is in the worst possible taste.

Only the recently-married have their names engraved on one card; this is of the largest size. Somewhat smaller is the one for the married lady, and smaller still the one for a gentleman. A young lady during her first season in society has her name engraved on her mother's card; if the mother is not living, the daughter's name is printed beneath that of her father on the usual lady's visiting card, but not on the smaller cards used by gentlemen. A brother and sister, if living alone, would have their names on the same cards.

The name is in the center of the card, the address in the lower right-hand corner, the reception day on the left hand-corner, as:

Mrs. James Dash.

or,

Mrs. Dash.

Miss (or Misses) Dash.

7152 Fifth Avenue.

For a gentleman:

Mr. Richard Dash.

Union Club. 29 E. 191st Street.

The prefix "Mr." must always be used, or the professional or military title, as:

Genera/ Dash.

Rev. Charles Dash.

Charles Dash, M. D.

A widow may use either her own Christian name upon her card, or retain that of her husband. In New York society, etiquette allows each lady to decide this matter for herself, although in London it is not permissable for a lady to use other than her own Christian name. No lady ever suggests by her card her husband's occupation, his civil or ecclesiastical rank or military position. If both names are engraved upon the same card, the following is the proper form:

Gen. and Mrs. Dash.

Rev. and Mrs. Dash. but never

Mrs. Gen. Dash.

A lady may be mentioned as Mrs. Judge Dash, but she herself never assumes her husband's title. The custom of turning down the corners of cards is dying out. A plain card not turned down is the accepted style for every purpose, but for the benefit of very young ladies, who think it one of the pleasures of life to pinch down the corners of a card, the following rules may be of value: The right-hand corner turned down denotes a call in person. The left-hand lower corner, similarly mutilated, congratulation. The left-hand lower corner, condolence.

Letters of introduction are not now so frequently used as formerly, the acquaintance to be formed between strangers being arranged by card. The person introducing writes upon the upper half at the left-hand corner of his or her own visiting card:

Introducing^/^

Mrs. Carlos Dash.

This card, with that of the lady introduced, is enclosed in an envelope, and either sent by post or messenger. The lady receiving the two cards must call in person, or if this be impossible some member of her family must call, or a letter be sent to explain the omission. A card of introduction requires especial and immediate attention. When a lady announces upon her card that she is at home upon a certain day in the week to receive her friends, it is more considerate on their part to call upon that day than at other times. Among intimate friends this strict regard is not paid to times and seasons; it would indeed be distressing if informal calls were not allowable, if one could not run in of a morning in plain walking costume and indulge in a little gossip, if it be not "of unkind intent."

Formal calls are made by ladies between three and five o'clock in the afternoon, half-past two and six being the earliest and latest allowable hours. The lady calling does not give her visiting card to the servant if the mistress of the house is at home. On leaving the house she leaves two of her husband's cards on the hall table, one card for the master and one for the mistress of the house. Having seen the lady she would not leave one of her own cards. If the person called upon is not at home, three cards are left; one of her own and two of her husband's, unless their names are engraved on one card, in which case only one of the gentleman's is left. A lady leaves a card for a lady only, while a gentleman leaves for both the lady and gentleman. Cards are left for the daughters of the family. If there are sons a lady would not leave her card but her husband's card or cards for them. If the lady and gentleman call and the mistress is at home, the gentleman leaves a card for the master of the house; but if both are at home, no cards are left. Etiquette now graciously permits a card to answer the perpose of a call between persons moving in the same circle who wish to be on very ceremonious terms.

A card must be returned by a card, a call by a call. After cards have been left once in the sea-

Son, they need not be left again, except after an entertainment, when the cards of all who have been invited must be left the day after or within the week, upon both host and hostess, and also for any one for whom the entertainment may have been given. It is almost more essential to leave cards when obliged to refuse an invitation than after having enjoyed the hospitality of friends. Provided an invitation is necessarily declined after having been accepted, cards are sent by messenger the same evening, followed by an explanatory note the following day. Ladies do not stay at home after an entertainment to receive calls unless they have issued cards for a day. The best plan is for a lady to include with her invitation a card informing her friends when she will be at home to receive them

If a young lady calls unaccompanied by her mother, she leaves her mother's card, on which her own name is also engraved, and draws a pencil through her mother's name. When a son has entered society, his mother leaves his card with her husband's and her own, which is an intimation that it is expected he will be included in future invitations, and after one invitation has been received from a lady by the young man, he can then undertake the management of his own social affairs, by making his party calls and leaving cards. It is correct for strangers in town to send cards by post to those friends whom they wish to acquaint with their presence in town. This rule, however, hardly applies to a country village, wheie a lady, in common with the entire community, knows when a friend has arrived and hastens to call. When a lady changes her residence, she must leave her card upon those to whom she is indebted for a visit; to other friends she may send her card by post. When leaving town for the summer, or for a trip abroad, cards with P. P. C. written in one corner are sent by post or messenger.

Upon again returning to town, cards are sent out with or without an " At home " day upon them. To leave a card at the house of a friend, after a private wedding or the formal announcement of an engagement, is a recognition of the felicitous event, but it is not strictly demanded of etiquette. After a death in the family of a friend, it is becoming more and more the custom to leave cards at the door as an expression of sympathy. Only an intimate friendship allows one to send a note of condolence. This card requires no acknowledgment. Cards of invitation and reply may go by post, but those of congratulation or condolence must be left in person or sent by special messenger, as a more definite recognition of the grave event. This act is one of gentle kindliness and demands no acknowledgment whatever. It is compelled by too delicate a sentiment for the sympathizer to desire a reply.

It is a gracious courtesy to send cards of inquiry to acquaintances during their illness. On the visiting card above the printed name is written " To inquire." This little civility is acknowledged by a card with " Return thanks for ki?id inquiries" also written above the printed name. When persons who have been in mourning, again feel equal to receiving visitors, they leave their cards on their friends, as an intimation that they are prepared to receive and make calls. Cards returning thanks must be sent to all who have called or sent cards of inquiry.

If a gentleman is invited by a lady to call, he is bound to do so in person and soon, and after an invitation, he must call or leave his card. If he scorn this formality, he must not be astonished if society henceforth regards him as a savage, and treats him accordingly. If invited by a recent acquaintance, cards for both host and hostess must be left the day following the entertainment. If invited by a friend, cards may be left within the week, but the earlier the cards are left the better. If a bachelor acquaintance gives an entertainment, the same rule applies as to card leaving.

A gentleman may not leave a card for a young lady to whom he has been introduced, unless her mother or chaperon invites him to do so. For a gentleman to ask if he may have the pleasure of calling, shows that he is ignorant of the best social usages. A gentleman never makes a formal call without asking to see all the members of the family. He sends in or leaves his card for each individual.

If he is calling upon a young lady who is a guests of those with whom he has no acquaintance, he must ask to see her hostess at the same time and also send her his card. This hostess of his friend may decline interrupting his call with her presence, but it is considered hospitable for her to enter the room before his visit terminates, to assure him that her guest's friends are welcome at her house. If a gentleman is able to command leisure, he calls at the strictly conventional time, between three and five o'clock; but if he cannot command the hours of the day, he calls between half-past eight and nine o'clock in the evening. When making evening calls, gentlemen should appear in full dress.

A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card, indeed that fashion has become almost obsolete, except perhaps when a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person. The plainer the card the better.

If a gentleman receives an invitation to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call after the entertainment.

A lady should not take a gentleman's hat and coat when he calls; he must take care of them himself.

If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her hostess, she should not fail to pronounce her own name.

A young lady should introduce herself as " Miss Brown," never without the " Miss."

Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should ask the servant where her mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how soon she will be down, etc. All that a well-trained servand should say to such questions is:

" I do not know, madam."

Regarding the length of a call it is better to stay too short than too long a time in a friend's house. There are some guests who never know when the proper moment has arrived for them to take their departure.

This evident inability to get away, when a visitor has made a sufficiently long call makes the hostess, as well as the guest, very uncomfortable. To many callers, the thought that they must, in ten minutes time or so, rise up and take their leave is a dreadful bugbear. The thought that he must soon leave weighs down his conversation; he cannot venture upon any wider subject than the weather, for fear of missing an opportunity to depart, and his uneasiness communicates itself to his hostess who does all in her power to give him the occasion he requires. But when the time comes that the visit may be naturally concluded he cannot make up his mind to go; he feels as if something had been unsatisfactory, and he dashes recklessly into a fresh subject in the hope of leaving a better impression.

Such visits are misery to both parties. The most equably-minded hostess may well lose her self-possession as she sees the ill-concealed anxiety of her vis-a-vis, the longing looks toward the door, the wavering attention and random answers. Perhaps in such an emergency it would be a real act of kindness to seize the hesitating guest by the hand and say warmly "Well, good-by, I am very sorry you must go," etc., etc., meanwhile piloting the guest toward the door and leaving him very little else to do but to go out of it If the old quotation, " Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest," were more literally acted upon, there would be much less difficulty about and dislike of paying calls.

Chapter III. Strangers And New-comers

" Ought We to Visit Her ?" was the title of one of Mrs. Edwards' best novels; but this question was put by the county in reference to the antecedents of the heroine; and the same doubtful query is sometimes expressed with regard to the actual social position of ladies who have no pretensions to be considered heroines, and whose husbands bear little resemblance to heroes.

The question of knowing and not knowing people, of calling and not calling on them, in reality refers only to country society.

Any one acquainted with country society does not require to be told that the question, "ought we to, call," is one that is very easily set at rest, and is by no means the bugbear or nightmare that some suppose it to be, neither are the new residents in a town victims of despair and melancholly, through not being called upon.

There are, as every one is aware, two distinct classes of new-comers in a neighborhood, and this makes all the difference as regards the treatment they receive at the hands of the inhabitants, and if their feelings render it.

Let us take for instance, those who merely rent a place in the country for the summer months. It may be that these temporary sojourners in the land desire to enter society or it may be that they are quite satisfied with the society of the friends invited by them to enjoy a little country air, and who arrive in constant succession during their term of occupation.

These families who come into the country, for the brief period before mentioned, may leave it knowing as little of the inhabitants as on their first arrival. On the other hand, they sometimes make several acquaintances in the immediate neighborhood.

It is a mistake to suppose that the people of a town hold aloof from new-comers on account of pride, prejudice, hauteur, arrogance and every other quality expressive of aristocratic exclusiveness; on the contrary, the ideas conveyed by these expressions have often very little to do with the matter. There is a fear that their visits may be taken as an intrusion, and a call would be as unwelcome to one, as embarrassing to the other.

To turn from summer neighbors, as they may be termed, to new residents, the aspects of affairs in this latter case, bears a different complexion. A new resident either takes a place for a term of years or better still, buys one, in either case, his advent is interesting. He may prove a very pleasant neighbor or the reverse. This is a matter worth investigation.

In some towns, the event is of more importance than in others; it of course depends on the strength of the neighborhood. If it is a good one, one neighbor, more or less, is of little moment, but if it is a poor one, the advent of a new neighbor gives rise to pleasant speculations among the ladies, and they call as a matter of course, the calls are returned, and the family of the new neighbor is in due time initiated into the society of the place.

This is taken for granted, that the new neighbor is neither too old nor too great an invalid to care for society. Should she be either of these, the fact becomes known, and the calling is consequently the reverse of brisk, for fear of intrusion on the quiet and privacy often preferred.

In these days, people who have any social qualities to recommend them, apart from their wealth or perhaps joined with it, usually makes their way, sooner or later, in some cases, it is later, rather than sooner, but it generally follows that those who have stood aloof longest, succumb at last to the general verdict in their favor, and when the contrary is the case, and the residents continue to hold aloof, it maybe salely surmised that the residents are right after all.

The first call must be returned within three or four days. If the new-comers do not wish to form an acquaintance, they would return the calls by leaving cards only. If the resident does not care to continue the acquaintance, after the first meeting, it will be discontinued by not leaving cards, or by not calling again. If strangers who have come to reside with us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents should call on them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions.

No introduction is necessary is such a case. A lady calls between three and five o'clock, and if she finds the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This, as has been said, must be returned within three or four days, or a week at the longest, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the return visit is then paid later on.