Wars of the western border; or, New homes and a strange people

Front matter

■ u

V

O " C r^, A >

Preface

We are about to write wliat nobody reads — a Preface. Did you ever, kind reader, see a young mamma in all the flutter and anxiety of adorning her " latest production " for its first appearance upon some public promenade? for if you have, you may the more fully appreciate our trepidation in sending this youngster, all unattended, into the world, to court the smiles of those crabbed old fellows, the critics, and win, if we be lucky, its " little meed of fame," from that no less difficult class to please — " our readers." But to carry out the simile, let us suppose the "infant phenomenon" aforesaid — not ours but the anxious mamma's — to be ugly by nature — in short, as peevish, squalling, ill-behaved, and unbearable a brat as ever pulled " grandpa's" hair or screamed lustily after midnight — to how great an extent then are our young matrons perplexities increased as she " fusses and fixes," scolds "nurse" and soothes "baby;" and where, let us ask, will you find a more ill-tempered or naturally repulsive original production than this very unpromising offspring of Pro-Slavery and Free Soil, which we are about to exhibit under the somewhat hackneyed title of "The War in Kansas." Yet though the words fall wearily, like a thrice-told tale, upon your ear, we flatter ourself that there are some new truths to be found upon these pages, for there is an inner life in all great events — and who shall doubt the

VI PREFACE.

celebrity of the "Wakarusa "War ? — an under-current of adventure and character, and it is in this tide that we have preferred to go-a-whaling for such incidents as appeared likely to be most interesting to the reader.

Nor can we charge ourself with neglecting those more important events — with the causes which lead thereto — ^that have been landmarks in the progress of this much-talked-of campaign. Oh, no ; we have done our duty by the " Gradgrinds " in writing up the facts as we present them to you, in the shape of His Excellency Governor Shannon's statement on the one side, and that of the Free Soil leader, Major-General Kobinson, upon the other, with all such documents as may seem necessary to a full understanding of the same. So having been thus faithful to the sudstajitials of the war, by putting in such heavy blocks as these, we have ventured to relieve the sternness of the whole by the lighter, yet no less truthful, adornments of "Squire Portly and his dame," "our friend Major Ramrod," "the Hard Shell Baptist Preacher," "Deacon Graves," and "Old Man Rhymer," for whose peculiar eccentricities we would respectfully refer you to the chapters of this book.

And as a finale to our Preface, we assure the reader that we are upon neither side of this unhappy quarrel, between those who, united as they are by one common bond of national brotherhood, ought to be the best of friends. On the contrary, we have gazed upon the Kansas difficulties as the old lady did when she put on her spectacles to see her husband fight the bear — on which occasion (to quote from that venerable woman's narrative of the combat just alluded to), " she allowed sometimes that she'd drather see thar old man whip, and then agin she felt fur thar bar ; but bimeby, when they wor a goin' it strong, she didn't bother much about it, till toward thar last, an then it jest seemed as ef she didn't kear a dern which licked so long as she 3eed thar fighty

CONTEISTTS.

Chapter I. Off To The War

PAGX

The Second " Edishun "—A Sudden Resolution — Ways and Means — An Interview with the Herald — Its Result — Hatchet Face — Up the River — Railroad Moralizing — The Canada Side — A Drunken Orator — Yankee versus Darkey — Tlie Red-Nosed Man, . 13

Chapter II. Incidents By The Wat

Balance all — The Night Train — Squashtown — Alton and St. Louis — Smashup and Co — Doing a Traveller— At the Planters'— The Mud Cart— The Ten— The Dutch Stage- Agent— A Row for Two— The City-Marshal— We Conquer, ..... 26

Chapter III. A Hard One For The Author

Winter Scenery — Ribs and Sides — A dog-gav/n Bad Place — Smashed up — The Wayside Station — An Upset — Save the Ladies — Drunken Drivers, 89

Chapter IV. Old Man Rhymer And A Boonsville Hotel

Old Man Rhymer's — The ' sidcken** Fight — Chicken t>ersu8 Hog — The Lumber Wagon — Six Old Blind Mares — Boonsville — A Roarer of a Fire — Our Sanctum — Another Detainer — Nigger Jim, 47

CHAPTER V. FROM "OUR correspondent" en route

A very old Soldier — Our Possible Obituary — Pumping a Down-Easter — A Cute Yankee Trick — A Friend and Brother — Mr. Magee's Nigger — Fighting Caesar, , , . 6T

Chapter VI

our VIRGINIAN FRIEND ON SLAVERY.

A Fresh Start — A Southerner on Slavery — Slave Marriages — Uncle Tom — All about the Niggers — Miss Dinah — A Log-Cabin Interior — Rough Sketches — Something from New Hampshire — A border Ruffian — Miss Precise — Bedlam — The peace-maker, , (54

Via CONTENTS.

CHAPTER Vn.

LEXINGTON.

FAGS

Beating the MaU— Gas— Strickler's Aide-de-camp— Parson Clarke— The Free-State General— Items— Clarke, alias P— A Terrible Alternative— Off the Track— Free soUP, T7

CHAPTER Vni.

TREATS OF THINGS BELIGIOUS AND SECULAR.

Friend Broad-brim — Henry Clay Insulted — The Arrest — An Independent Volunteer — Sunday in Lexington — The Groaners — Parson Jones and Deacon Graves — A Hard- Shell Discourse — Keards and such like, 87

CHAPTER IX.

OUR AUTHOR ENTERS KANSAS.

The Funny Side — "Droppin"' a Stage-driver — The Gruflf Voice — A Solemn Fact — Hog crazy — Westport — A Generous Offer — We enter Kansas — Whipped either Way, . 96

CHAPTER X.

THE SHAWNEE MANUAL LABOR SCHOOL.

Massa Johnson — A Dubersome Donkey — The Mission Farm — The Shawnee Reserve — Ked-skins at School — Copper-colored Youngsters — The Little Arapahoe — Amalgamation — Shawnee Belles, 105

CHAPTER XI.

RED-SKINS AND INDIAN YARNS.

^runk-in-a-Blanket — Indian Eccentricities — Slajor Ramrod's Adventure — Beauty unadorned — Outraged Diffidence — Hard to Swallow — Ducking a Baby — Crying Babies, . "^ 114

CHAPTER XII.

NEWS-HUNTING IN WESTPORT.

Kit Carson — Aubrey — Secret Military Organization — The Sheriff's Invitation — The Lion of the Evening, 122

CHAPTER XIII.

WE JOURNEY TO LECOMPTON.

Good-bye to Westport— The Solitary Grave— Snow-clad Prairies — Bean's Hotel- Franklin— Interesting to Emigrants — Facts and Figures— The Promised Land — Lecompton — New Friends, ... 127

CHAPTER XIV.

HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.

Threatenings— A Late Visitor — Shooting at a Doctor— The Guarded House— A Deplorable Transaction— The Barber Homicide — Major Clarke's Statement, . . .137

CONTENTS. ix

CHAPTER XV.

THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE AT SHAWNEE MISSION.

The Gubernatorial Mansion— Most Particularly Democratic— The Secretary of State — Judge Lyncb's Court-house — The Origin of the Bowie-knife, 144

CHAPTER XVI.

THE PRO-SLAVERY SIDE OF THE KANSAS WAR,

Growing Serious^Hickory Point Difficulties — Buckley's Affidavit — Hargis's Affidavit — Hargis's Affidavit Continued — Irritating Causes— Sheriff Jones' Affidavit — Sheriff Jones' Affidavit Continued — John P. Wood's Statement — The Absentee, . . . 149

CHAPTER XVII.

GOVERNOR shannon's HISTORY OF THE WAKARUSA WAR.

A Modest Request — Tliree Thousand against Forty — An Unorganized Militia — The Gathering of the Clans — Shannon's Call to Arms — Shannon's Army Outnumbered, . 159

CHAPTER XVIII.

CONTAINS A DIGRESSION BY THE GOVERNOR.

Why Missouri Crossed the Border — Governor Shannon's Policy — A very Irish Gentleman — The Fire-eaters — A bad Position at the Best — The Sliip of State — Warlike Preparations — Shannon Telegraphs the President — Colonel Sumner Makes a Suggestion — Shannon Adopts the Suggestion — Instructions to Sheriff Jones — Richardson and Jones — The President Promises Aid — A Crisis is at Hand — The Crisis gets Nearer, . 165

CHAPTER XIX.

THE GOVERNOR CONTINUES HIS NARRATIVE.

Shannon is off to the War — Shannon in the Camp — Shannon has Two Objects — Shannon's Army Will Not be Restrained — Shannon Outwits his Men — The Black Flag — Shannon Enters Lawrence — Moments are Hours — The Besieged Won't Surrender — Shannon as a Peace-maker — Orders from Head-quarters, .... 180

CHAPTER XX.

governor's NARRATIVK CONTINUED — THE TREATY.

Things Look Badly — Everybody Satisfied and Nobody Pleased — Shannon Concludes a Treaty — Shannon Disbands his Army — Exeunt Omnes— Shannon Assisted by the Elements — Shannon Signs a Certain Paper — We ask an Explanation — Shannon Explains — Why we Asked — Two Good Reasons — Our Correspondent's Christmas, . 191

CHAPTER XXI.

CHRISTMAS IN KANSAS.

Seasonable — A Mysterious Epistle — Happy Children — The Ghost of Christmas Past — A Political Dialogue — A Negro Standard Bearer — A Body-guard of Slaves— Kansas Emigration from the South — Colonel Buford's scheme — Judge Cato on the Territory — Religious and Unexceptionable — E. B. Bell and Ho for Kansas !— A Slight Mistake — Shooting tlie Wrong Man . . 203

X CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XXII.

LIFE AT THE MISSION.

PAGE

An Odd Fish — The Preliminary horn — Making an Effort — The Eastern Mail — A Kans^s Night-mare — Our Funny Little Friend, 217

CHAPTER XXIII.

COLEMAN'S NARRATIVE.

A Visit from Coleman — Coleman Settles at Hickory Point — Coleman Quarrels with Branson — White's Cabin Burnt — Branson and Dow Tlireaten Coleman — Coleman Driven from his Claim — Coleman Arms Himself— Coleman Kills Dow — Coleman

Gives Himself Up — Coleman Declines Being a Justice, 223

CHAPTER XXIV,

FOR LAWRENCE DIRECT.

Our Over-dressed Companion — The old Priest — The Silent Blessing — Bad News for the Major — An Attempt to fire Clarke's Dwelling— Lynch Law Threatened — For Dreamland Direct, 2J]3

CHAPTER XXV.

NEW tear's EVE BY A LOG-CABIN HEARTH.

New Year's Eve in the Wilderness — A Sweet Sunshiny Face — Pen-and-ink Portraits — The Resigned Lieutenant — Political Advice Gratis — The Jolly Man's Story — An Anecdote of Aaron Burr — A Western Amazon — Killing at Both Ends — Ole Man Parson's fight— Getting Even by a Double Entry, 240

CHAPTER XXVI.

OUR NEW tear's CALL.

New Year's Day — Falling Weather — ^Down and Laughed at — A Grocery Group — We Show our Breeding — A Free-State Settler's Home — A New-England Wife and Baby — Less Talk and More Work — The Cincinnati House — Our Landladies — Miss Charity — Long Sweetening, 251

CHAPTER XXVII.

THE BALL.

A Political Free and Ea«y — The Free-State Executives — Frontier Full Dress — A Kansas Ball Room — Playing on the Wash-board, 263

CHAPTER XXVni.

THE HEROINES OF THE WAR.

The Fat One enters — A Chat with the Ladies — Tlie Free-State Heroine — Bustling Times —A Killing Petticoat— Loaded to Go Off— Old Sally and Her Driver— Swelled Out Awful, 209

CHAPTER XXIX.

THE FREE-STATE SIDE OF THE QUESTION,

We Define our Position— Truth and Brevity — The Main Points — Seven in a Bed — A Rough and Tumble Set — Bercaw's Free-State Statement— The Hickory Point Resolu-

CONTENTS. XI

PAGB

tions — A Good and Fair Christian — A Touch of the Brogue — Nullifiers, Scamps, and Rottens — Bowie-knives, Pistols, and Whisky — Missouri at the Kansas Polls — The Romuluses of Kansas — The so-called Bogus Legislature— So Mote it be — The Two Who Didn't Fight— Pawnee, . . • .276

CHAPTER XXX.

THE FREE-STATE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

Prom the Very Best Authority — A Free-State History of the War — General Robinson Counsels Prudence — The Free-State Kansas Volunteers — The Free-Soilers Seek Aid , — The Governor Smiles upon Lawrence — Missouri is Satisfied witliout Fighting — Shannon Meets the Ladies — General Robinson Consents — Robinson is Lionized, . 203

CHAPTER XXXI.

THE HEROES OF THE WAR.

4l Brilliant Incident of the War — Major Blank of the Free-Stale Volunteers — Yankee Wit versus Missouri Sagacity — The Stranger Steps in to Drink — Yankee Wit in a Fix — The Border Ruffians Help YankeeSt*\Vit — Yankee Wit is Much Obliged — A Darned Mean Yankee Trick — Mr. Miller's Free-State Statement — What Sharpe's Rifles Cost in Lawrence, SOS

CHAPTER XXXII.

HIS HONOR JUDGE PORTLY.

A Praii'ie Home — An Impromptu Journey — Squire Portly and his Dame — That Peart Gal Wetumpky — The Missourians Prescribe Hanging — Squire Portly gets the Heaves — The Shooting of Thomas W. Barber — Robert F. Barber's Statement — Barber's Last Words— The flight, 813

CHAPTER XXXIII.

A VISIT TO THE "WIDOW BARBER.

A Sudden and Tranquil Departure — By Whom Was He Killed? — Doctor Squills enjines Takin' Kear — Peirson's Account of the Fight — He is Dead — The Desolated Home — A Sincere Mourner — The Only Victim of the War — A Heart-rending Scene, 823

CHAPTER XXXIV.

A SNOWY NIGHT IN A SETTLER'S CABIN.

A Rather Dangerous Excursion — Captain Jack Quarter — Blowing Great Guns — Boots and all— A Blessed Apparition— Our Blue Umbrella Tent— Gracias a Dios, . . 833

CHAPTER XXXV.

FREE-STATE FACTS.

General James H. Lane — The Brigadier's Antecedents — Lucky Lane — Kansas Scrip— The Free-State Propagandists — A Kansas Volunteer's Commission — A Kansas Volunteer's Discharge — 0, Deary Me ! — The Rival Tickets — Loaves and Fishes — So 'i'ndeth the Circular 333

XU CONTENTS.

CHAPTER XXXVI.

THE SEBASTOPOL OF THE WEST.

PAGS

Lawrence and its Defences — ^What is and is to be — The Eldridge House — Shoot but take Good Aim — An Arkansas Yarn — Pine Knot Jake — A Very Pressing Invitation — The Bully Seems to Triumph — The Tables Turned — Mr. Chowler Payors the Company — The Borderer Backs Down — The Gambling Man — The Screamer No. 3, . 850

CHAPTER XXXVII.

LAWRENCE IN A MILITARY POINT OP VIEW.

Can Lawrence be Taken — The BluflF near Lawrence — Military Engineering— Sheriff Jones a Good Samaritan — Later from the Seat of War — What may be — The Free- State Leaders to the President^ — By Order of the President — Marcy to Shannon — Instructions to Colonels Sumner and Cooke — Jefferson Davis to Governor Shannon — From the Governor of Indiana— Sensible and to the Point — Highly Creditable to its Author — A Trifling Mistake Somewhere — The First Legislature of Kansas — OflBcial List of the Members — Citizenship of the Bogus Legislature, S63

CHAPTER XXXA'^in.

FREE-STATE ODDS AND ENDS.

Lawrence by Comparison — A Pro-Slavery Squatter's Claim — The Free-Soilers' Location — Free-State Amusements — We Determine to Leave Kansas — A Free-Soil Meeting — The Circumstance — Adding Insult to Injury — A Pro-Slavery Notice to Quit — What's in the Wind ? — Newspapers in Kansas — Kickapoo Volunteers, , . .881

CHAPTER XXXIX.

LAST LINES.

A Barnum, but no Humbug — Wliat Kansas Needs — Barking but not Biting Dogs — A Lunatic Asylum for Demagogues — The Border RuflBan's Better Half — Rough but no Ruffian — The Momentous Question, 893

JartbitU.

Chapter I. Off To The War

Tuesday, December Ath, 1855. — Ding — dong — ding, three o^clock by old Trinity — it rang out just as we turned into the Broadway artery of that human tide which is ever flowing through our great metropolis — three by the wintry sun — three by the Banks — three by old Trinity — and as we listened to the tones of that iron tongue, which marks the burial of the dead hours — far above the roar of Wall-street Bulls and Bears, not to mention the clatter of conflicting omnibuses — we fell into a meditative mood, and paced the sloppy pavements leisurely.

Of what we were thinking upon that memorable afternoon, we are not at this particular moment prepared to state : but certain it is that our mental train met with an obstacle, and ran off the track instanter, to the great detriment, not to say destruction, of some four-score promising " castles in the air," exploded by the collision.

And the obstacle ? most gentle reader — was a Newsboy — who had startled our ears with the curt announcement of

14 THE SECOND " EDISHUN."

" Here 's the New York 'Erald — second edisliun— got the Great War in Kansas."

The " Great War in Kansas ?" what could it mean ? We had heard of the "Dorr War," the " Anti-Reut War," the " Erie Pea-nut War," and even of that stirring strife of which the poet has so beautifully sung,

" Sebastopol ain't taken yet, Pop goes the Weasel.''^

But the Kansas War — that was something new ! So we slackened our pace, pondered for a moment, got our mental locomotive on the track again, was " struck with an idea," but without receiving any material injury, and then halted outright, and whistled up the Newsboy, who straightway answered to the call, in the shape of a diminutive young biped, 'with a frosty nose, a very shrill voice, and a pair of patent ventilating pantaloons, which exhibited a suspicion of dingy-colored linen in their rear. Add to these, a huge bundle of papers under the left arm, and a brace of "specimen numbers" in the extended right hand, and you have a sketch " from the life," done at sight, of that very nondescript animal — a New York Newsboy.

" Here^s the 'Erald, sir — second edishuu," squeaked the shrill voice.

We satisfied ourself that there was something from Kansas (for we want confidence in the whole race of Newsboys — the patent-improved sort not excepted), and then, in the agitation of the moment, disbursed half a dime, at the same time grasping a paper, without asking for the change. When we recovered ourself, the vender of recent intelligence had vanished like a theatrical ghost ; the dirty linen aforesaid, being the last object visible as he shot round a neighboring corner.

And now for the r.ews, was our mental ejaculation ; for if there be no compensation in the " second edishun," we are minus

A SUDDEN RESOLUTION. 15

five cents, federal currency, and grossly deceived to boot. So we turned down the paper, found the " very latest by telegraph," pressed our beaver more firmly upon our brow, and then retreated from the vortex of a jostling crowd into the shelter of a friendly doorway, to read, in greater quietness, the following paragraph : —

"BY TELEGRAPH.

" Call from the Governor for United States Troops.

" Accounts from Kansas state that Governor Shannon has telegraphed to the President, concerning the present condition of affairs in that Territory. He says that one thousand men have arrived in Lawrence, and rescued a prisoner from the sheriff of Douglas County, and burned some houses and other property. He asks the President to order out the troops at Fort Leavenworth, to aid in the execution of the laws.

"Dispatches from Weston arrived here to-day by express, bringing startling news from Atchinson. Some Free State officers had taken possession of important papers, and an attack upon Atchinson was anticipated. A messenger had been sent to Weston for fifty armed men."

We read no more, but turned upon our heel and rammed the " second edishun " into our great-coat pocket, with an emphasis which bespoke a determination on our part to do " something energetic, and that soon." And it was even so, for in that instant of time we had made up our minds to go to Kansas, partly because Ve wished to see the row, not as through a glass, darkly (meaning the medium of printers' ink), but with our own unspectacled eyes — yea, even as the Big Spring Free State Delegate Convention expresses it — " to a bloody issue," but most of all because we wanted a change — the comforts of civilization had begun to weary us — we longed for a rougher life — for Prairie air and Border freedom ; in a word, to sum our case up briefly, we didn't know when we were well off, and pined for an alteration for the worse. " Westward ho !" cried our first impulse, and we yielded — of course we did — for we always

16 WAYS AND MEANS.

make it a poiut, unless we can't help onrself, to " treat our inclinations." Yes, we confess it, for, lilie Tony Lumpkin, of '* the Three Jolly Pigeons " notoriety, although we might have disappointed the dear public, and spared the book-stalls the infliction of a new volume on Kansas — nay, have even most respectfally declined to play histori-an to the far-famed Wakarusa war — we " couldn't bear to disappoint ourself."

But how to go ? ah I there was the rub. It costs money to travel, and we, alas I so far as temporal goods are concerned, suffer but little from taxation. It requires time, too (unless, indeed, as the Irishman expressed it, '* one could verify the revolution of the earth by sitting down upon the ground, and letting the " counthrles " come round to him in succession), and time, in this waking world, is money. So it was with a purpose that we turned our hasty steps towards the ofiBce of the New York Herald, for we had a pecuniary problem to cipher out, and the prime minister of the *' Satanic Press" was just the man to lay down its premises. What wonder then that fifteen minutes' time found us in the editorial sanctum sanctorum of Bennett's paper —

where with Mr. H , its senior editor (in big whiskers and an

arm-chair), for a vis-a-vis, we proceeded to unfold our wishes and set forth our very modest expectations.

We thought there would be " wars aud rumors of wars " in Kansas The Herald got all the news — the Herald must therefor^ be posted upon Kansas — ergo, the Herald would require a correspondent — a special one, in those far regions. And a " War Correspondent" to boot. And who (we diffidently inquired), was better fitted for this arduous position than ourself? Had we not scribbled for the Herald, written articles for Harper, and moreover been " a man-of-war," while in the service of that stingy old curmudgeon — Uncle Sam. In view of all these circumstances, we made bold to talk up our stock, clinching the whole with the insinuation, that the New York Herald might

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE HERALD. It

do itself an injustice, by not ordering us to Kansas instanter. In fine, we retired at the expiration of a fifteen minutes' interview,

with the blessed assurance that Mr. H would take the matter

into consideration, and give us a final answer upon the morrow — at noon.

We will spare you a recital of the astonishment with which our friends received the intelligence that we might start next day for Kansas — to be gone for an indefinite length of time — suffice it to say that we "attended to our sleeping" that night, for it seemed just possible that it might be our last chance in bed before reaching a frontier log-cabin.

High noon of December the 5th found us again closeted with

Mr. H of the Herald. He " didn't think the war would

amount to much — he regarded it as a move to make political capital for Whitfield or Reeder at Washington. In short he believed the whole affair to be a * Barnum ' — alias humbug, of the most unmitigated kind. Here was a pretty state of things — if

Mr. H didn't believe in the war, it would be no go with us

— so we set to work, with a will, to correct these very erroneous impressions. Well, we argued the matter jpro and con, and Mr. H finally asked us to reduce the thing to figures, by saying,

" How much ?"

'' We mentioned a sum — it was satisfactory."

'' When will you start ?"

" By the first conveyance."

" When can you get there V

" As soon or sooner than the mail."

" Yery well ; this letter will accredit you as our correspondent. Here Mr. H sat down and wrote us the following :

"Herald Office, Xeio York, Dec. 5, 1855.

"My Dear Sir:

If circumstances permit, I would like to have you leave this afternoon for Kansas Territory, to act as the correspondent of the New

18 ITS RESULT.

Torlc He'<^ald. In addition to the important political events that may take place, and of which you will furnish us with the particulars, I would suggest that you send us full information of the agricultural and industrial progress of the new territory and people. I shall hope to hear from you

in a week or ten days.

Very truly yours,

F H •

for James G. Bennett.

G. Douglas JBrewerton, Esq.''''

In addition to this "letter of instructions," we were kindly provided by a very popular Ex-Senator, with a brace of introductory epistles to the *' distinguished consideration " of Governor Shannon and Senator Atchinson. By this time the advent of one o'clock reminded us that Time and steamboats wait for no man, and that if we meant to leave that evening we had better be going. So we made our adieu to the ministering angels (?) of the Herald, with many a hearty prayer (not to mention some expressions of incredulity), as touching our safe return ; and then went forth to make the necessary preparations for a trip to the seat of war in Kansas.

And now as we can't plead the old-fashioned apology " excuse haste and a bad pen " — we will simply beg your mercy, if want of space should jolt our style into the Doe-sticks or railroad order. En avant ! then, let us progress — even though it be at high-pressure speed — so follow us, good people, if you can.

We plunged into Broadway — met a shop with flaring glass windows — be-lettered from top to toe in many hued-capitals, setting forth the names of cities and places to an extent which might have induced the bewildered spectator to hazard a supposition that the ''man inside" must have begun his travels at an early age, and kept on until he had mastered the geography, got over the maps, and bothered the terrestrial globes. We " limbered up " accordingly, and straightway concluded that if

HATCHET FACE. 19

the proprietor of this establishment didn't sell tickets to St. Louis, which (as everybody ought to know) is the first long step to Kansas, nobody else did ; so we dived in — violated the sanctity of the railed pen-marked " no admittance behind the counter" — met a hatchet-faced man, with keen eyes, a faint moustache and consumptive-looking whiskers to match — told hatchet-faced man that we wanted to go to St. Louis, and required information — found hatchet-faced man polite, with a very glib tongue, or, as Samuel Weller, senior, of the " Belle Sauvage," would have expressed it — with " the gift of the gab werry galloping." Indeed, we had barely intimated that we wanted to go AVest, when he opened his mouth, and out came such a Niagara of words, that we were fairly swept away by the torrent, and listened patiently 'per force ; for, in less time than it takes to write it. Hatchet Face had put us in possession of all the *' favorable facts" connected with five separate lines, or thereabouts, for which he was the sole agent ; and, strange tc relate, (if Hatchet Face spoke the truth ; and being a railroad agent, he could by no means have done otherwise), these five dijQferent and difl'eriiig lines had each and all one most uncommon similarity, inasmuch as there was no one of them that didn't save the traveller who had the good fortune to pursue thpt particular route, a ''mint of money," — "without possibility of collision," or " missing of connections," and put him through in " five hours less time than by any other track," with fewer changes of cars, and (as a Scottish landlord says when the bill of fare is exhausted), just anything else you please. In fine, we never knew before, or siiice, how delightfully easy it had become to travel Avestward ; we even found ourself embarrassed by the multiplicity of advantages, until in our perplexity we had almost determined upon putting all the lines — no — their " prospectuses" we mean — into our hat, and taking the first drawn out at a veu-

20 UP THE RIVER.

ture. So, trusting to luck, we said " The Suspension Bridge and Canada, via Detroit, and the Illinois Central" — paid our money, receiving, as a " certificate of deposit," a little package of tickets curiously stamped, countersigned and hung together, and withal so wondrously enveloped that the whole affair resembled a diminutive billet-doux. Being thus accredited to the road, we shot out of the office, bade Hatchet Face a hasty adieu, and wended our way to Bolen's, where we purchased powder, caps, and balls ; then stationery — quite a wholesale lot — was to be procured ; and finally we discussed the relative merits of divers and sundry carpet bags with a shrewd old Yankee, who took our measure at a glance, and suited us with an article which we will make bold to say has held more manuscript than any other single specimen of all its leathern kith and kin.