Words with the parent on family training

Front matter

MB

1BJ 1BJJ row

WORDS WITH THE PARENT.

Contents

I. Introductory, 9

II. Self-Control, a Eeqnisite in Family Training, - 12 HI. Father and Mother constitute the Social Head of the

Family, 25

II. Self-control, A Requisite In Family Training

I presume on the hearty concurrence of my readers who may be parents, when I say that self-control in the parent, is eminently conducive to success in family government. You know, that in estimating the probable success of any performance, the fitness of the instrument is to have no small share of consideration. As temperature and atmosphere do much to crown the efforts of the husbandman with satisfactory results, so the spirit and manner of prosecuting this work, will essentially modify the issues. We know that a concord of sweet sounds is never drawn from a set of ill-adjusted strings ; so neither do the fruits of well-adjusted harmony arise from spasmodic and variable movements in the directive influence of a family. The most beautiful and delicate flower does not develop its rich folds to perfection, under the rapid alternations of excessive heat and cold. Surely the laws of nature must be more uniform in their operations, else their products will be more imperfect and less valuable. But equanimity of temper and carriage is no less valuable in training " the olive-plants " which spring up around your table, and fire-side. Indeed, you will allow me to say, that self-government in the parent, is absolutely essential to any tolerable success with the children. On the contrary, wherever this control is perseveringly exercised, in connection with a tolerable degree of good sense, we hardly anticipate a serious failure.

Self-control is especially needed to secure the requisite degree of equanimity in the varied movements towards the child. Without some degree of this, we cannot even commence in a proper manner.

We know that the husbandman, the mechanic, and the artist, place great reliance upon the uniformity of natural laws, for success in prosecuting their several departments of enterprise. If these laws were not substantially true to themselves, no definite results could be predicated, when they were laid under contribution for a definite object. And equanimity in the parent, is hardly less essential to the successful training of the child. This position will doubtless suggest the case of more than one parent, whose theory of family government looks well enough on paper; and there is no lack of desire to put this theory into successful practice. These parents show sufficient solicitude for the welfare of those dear ones committed to their charge. If theory, and desire, and solicitude, could of themselves accomplish the work, the character of the child would not want for excellence. But so variable are the feelings, and in many instances, so uncontrollable is the impulse, and consequently so irregular and inconstant is the treatment, that the child can predicate no certainty as to what direction the administration of the government he is under will next take ; or what phase of it, his present conduct will bring up on the side next to him. While, from the movements of almost everything else around him, he learns to associate more or less definitely, an appropriate effect with a given cause, the treatment of his parent seems to form an exception to this general order. Threats and promises, rewards and punishments, instead of following the merits of the case, are either substituted, the one for its opposite, or carried to extremes now in this direction, and now in that, too much as momentary impulse may direct.

Whatever may be well done on one occasion, is liable to be weakened or counteracted on another. As almost every movement takes type and coloring from the momentary impulse, it follows almost as a matter of certainty, that the child who is subject to these variable influences, will soon learn to act the philosopher, as the only resort for self-protection and defence ; and instead of growing up under the equable and wholesome management of the parent, become himself a consummate manager, under the ever-shifting modes of the parent. So far is he from submitting to influences which should mould him, he, as it were, instinctively, grows into a system of manceuvering, by which he controls the influences which should form him. Hence spring up, in early life, the many forms of artifice, of intrigue and of falsehood; which, taking strong root in the character thus early, prevent the subsequent growth of excellence. Such a parent will sometimes say, in his or her haste, that her children are worse than other people's. No doubt they are worse than many others ; and, for the plainest of all reasons. The government under which they develop, is such, that they cannot be as promising as others, unless by the intervention of some supernatural cause; and they have every prospect of becoming worse than they now are. This the parent often sees, and bitterly grieves over the growing defects of the darling child ; and yet a little reflection would show that his own deficiency in self-government is the prolific source of the evils he deplores.

As I have already suggested, his own variable impulses have necessarily created a manager of the child ; and, until he commences the work of self-reform, he must continue to mourn over the certain evidence of fickleness and duplicity in his offspring. If you have not already anticipated, you will I trust, coincide with me in the position, that the patience and 'perseverance arising from self-control, are also requisites to the successful training of families. Not a few address themselves to this work with correct opinions; nor are they wanting in purpose ; and yet they accomplish but little for want of perseverance. Many a good work is commenced, and, anon, abandoned ; either because it brings with it too severe a trial for the susceptibilities of the parent, or, it may be, success is not experienced so rapidly as desired. When a case of contumacy becomes protracted a little beyond what was anticipated, perhaps the parent yields instead of the child ; or, at least, the retreat on the side of authority is so covered by some substitute in the treatment, as to show a seeming victory, while no submission is felt on the part of the child ; and the scene closes with a show of achievment on the side of authority, but with a conscious triumph with the other party ; a consciousness which matures the purpose for subsequent resistance. In all such trials, patience must have its perfect work in the mind of the parent, or nothing will be perfected in the character of the child. He who would rule his own house well, must first acquire rule over his own spirit. If he fails of control over the elements of his own bosom, he will often fall short of his aim, through lack of perseverance. Sometimes the most important work will be left half finished, and the result prove more undesirable, than if nothing had been commenced. The want of self-control will be a constant temptation either to press the case unduly for the sake of despatch or to substitute some easier process, which will really abridge the needful work, and relieve the parent by releasing the child. I need not say that either of these deviations from the calm, the thorough and persevering course, will result in a loss of the main object, and perhaps in such a loss as will be irreparable.

The leading object of the parent's present effort, is not always an immediate result ; but the perfection of that result is more often remote. And hence, I may be allowed to say, that in order to secure the successful development of the child, two considerations are of especial importance. The peculiar qualities and characteristics of the child's mental and 'physical constitution should be the subject of constant attention. For, one child differs from another, almost as much as the hard granite differs from the Parian marble ; or as that marble differs from the most unsubstantial sandstone. Now while the skilful artist would apply the general principles of sculpture to all alike, he will not have the same model precisely to guide him in the design of each, nor would he in each case address himself to his work precisely in the same manner ; hut, with a knowledge of his different materials, he would have before him a model, adapted to each kind ; and he must endeavor to make each piece of work perfect after its kind ; and, with this intention, he will employ the means which in his wisdom are best adapted to secure the end. So the reflecting parent, while he does not even hope to bring all the members of the -family precisely to the same standard, will constantly study the susceptibilities of each child, as embracing a body and a mind ; and then keep as constantly before his own mental vision, a model suited to the material upon which he labors ; and every stroke of deliberate effort is aimed more or less directly, with the intention to bring out a finished character from the undeveloped elements. As the sculptor, whose scientific eye sees the perfect statue, while yet in the centre of the marble block, and directs the first stroke of his chisel, no less than the last, to bring out and exhibit that perfection; so the

SELF-COffTROL, A REQUISITE. 21

clear-sighted parent sees the finished man or woman, through the more rude and outer coatings of the child • and that foresight brings from the future some of the most important and powerful motives, to influence his present movements. But when, losing sight of these, he is governed mainly by the convenience of the passing moment, he will most surely fail of his grand mission, as a parent. For there is a very important sense, in which the parent must keep in view the end from the beginning of his labor upon the child. But he cannot do this, unless he has first learned to keep in some good degree of subjection, the disturbing forces in his own mind.

In the loss of self-control, you will also have noticed the certain loss of dignity. And when the requisite dignity of a governor is gone, a prime element of good influence over others is wanting. Dignity is a quality, or, rather, a joint influence of many qualities, for which there can be no substitute. A loss of self-control, is, as it were, a disbanding of those united qualities, whose associated influence make us worthy the respect and regard of others. So long as these qualities are combined in harmonious office, they constitute after their measure, a commanding influence, which, within its appropriate sphere, may be irresistible ; when disbanded, or set one against another, as they sometimes are by a sudden impulse of anger, or a panic of impatience, no one of them is able to command alone. And while this anarchy of the mental forces is continued, there is within the man, no influence which is adequate to go forth and control abroad. For the time being, there is a positive dethronement of power. For the mind which is distracted in its own movements, cannot be respected by other minds, much less can it command them.

After all, the great work of family training is, to teach the young the art, and secure for them the practice, of self government. Very little of substantial value is secured, until some degree of progress is made in this department. When fam>- ily government is solely administered by the force of absolute law, the law-giver must ever be near with a rigorous enforcement of sanctions, TJntii he can succeed in writing some salutary and binding laws in the minds and upon the consciences of his children, which will remain there, as a law unto themselves, to control them inwardly, and hold them to some degree of duty in the absence of all external command — until something of this is secured, obedience, however perfect in the letter, will have but little reality in the spirit ; and the movements to duty will be, mainly, up-hill work. But in teaching self-government, doubtless, no lessons are more influential than those of example. While, ,on the other hand, our training with the view to secure self-government in our children, must have a feeble influence, so long as it is seen by them, that we do not govern ourselves. The instinctive retort will come home, with a cutting power, when by their looks and actions they seem to say, " Physician, heal thyself." If we freely practice what we strenuously endeavor to eradicate in the conduct of our children, we shall be liable to increase the very evil we wish to cure.

He who governs by impulse, or caprice, must often undo his imprudent acts, by retraction, or suffer their mal-influence to prey upon the welfare of his offspring ; and whoever is obliged to retract his movements often, and thus frequently acknowledge, practically, that he has done wrong, cannot long retain the confidence of those who are to suffer from his imprudence.

I have extended this number to a much greater length than I intended, and hope I may receive pardon for the trespass, in consideration of the importance attached to the subject. Where the social head of a family have little rule over their own spirits, the dependent members, however interesting in other respects, will be much like a city that is broken down and without walls ; while such as can and do sway an even and safe rule over themselves, are, so far, qualified to do a greater work on the rising generation, than the captor of the strongest castle.

III. Father And Mother Constitute The Social Head Of The Family

It seems appropriate, that a few words should be said, before proceeding with other topics, as to the proper sources of discipline and instruction in a course of family training. We sometimes hear it said of a family, that the father has all the government of the. children j and of another, that the mother is almost the sole manager and instructress of those who also look to her for favors. Some, who speculate on these subjects, think the father ought to rough-hew the character, as it were, and leave the rest to his fair consort. In many books, a mother's influence is often alluded to, in connection with high attainments in subsequent life, in such a manner, that the reader might infer, that a great and good man could be easily made, almost without any father, provided his early years were blest with a good 3 mother. Not a few would point out what they suppose the middle and safer way ; that is, to let father manage the boys, and mother the girls.

Now I apprehend, that none of these views are in the highest degree practical. The truth is, it takes both father and mother to make one head of a family. And the question, as to which must do the most, is not a practical one. Each must do what the Creator has assigned to each, and this is just what the other cannot do, except imperfectly. To me nothing seems clearer than this position \ and some of the reasons for it are obvious.

The father and mother, for instance, are constituted the social head. This relation is fundamental in the family institution. In this united capacity, they are God's appointed officers, to preside over, to rule and guide the household. And under this appointment, neither one, can safely, nor lawfully, transfer the whole or even a part of the labor, or responsibility, to the other. It is doubtless true, in many instances, that one of the parents may be better qualified, both by nature and education, to perform his or her part of family training. But this superior qualification does not fit the one to perform, as perfectly, the duties assigned to the other. I shall readily concede that superior fitness, on one side, may he some compensation for deficiency on the other. But every child needs the whole of a father, and the whole of a mother. And the father must be a real man, and the mother a real woman ; — masculine and feminine, not merely in their physical structure, but truly such in their intellectual, social and moral endowments. A masculine woman, however well she may be qualified to suai;ain offices of state, can never discharge to perfection the duties of a mother at home ; and a feminine man, however excellent in other re? spects, will make but an indifferent father, while endeavoring to exert the influence which GrO(J. fcas assigned to that office. While the Creator has made the two and kindly united them, as in* separable parts of a unit, in their relation to the family, he has not made them interchangeable. Indeed the specific influence which each should exert on the family, is hardly less distinct than are the sexes themselves, and hence the absence of either side, is a loss to the family, for which there can be no perfect substitute by the other* "And these are no more twain, but one flesh," saith our Lord ; and this unity has, perhaps, a more important reference to the children, than to anything else to which it can relate. But how greatly is this divinely constituted unity perverted, when the parents essentially disagree as to the principles of governing, and the modes of training the family ; especially when the contradictory peculiarities of each are carried into practice towards the children. We are not to anticipate that the individuals of the social head will never differ on specific points of action. Human imperfection does not allow us to look for this, without more or less of exceptions. Bat in all well regulated families, this difference will be discussed in private, until the parties are, at least, qualified to act in concert ; and the two systems will not be allowed to clash in their operation on the same subject. I am sure I shall not offend, when I say, it is only among the lowest forms of family government, that one of the parents sides openly with the child, and directly interferes with a process of discipline commenced by the other.

It is readily conceded by all who think on this subject, that every son needs especially the influence of a mother; and no assertion perhaps contains more practical truth. And so does every daughter need the influence of a father as really, if not equally. It was once replied by a shrewd and intelligent young woman, that no lady wished to find in a gentleman the peculiar characteristics of her own sex j and this I suppose is the spontaneous feeling which the Creator has planted in the heart of every true woman ; and for the wisest of reasons. So that every female mind needs a masculine influence to aid in forming it, as truly as it relishes the society after the character is formed.

The veriest nun may, no doubt, be trained to a strict sense and practice of justice, as also to the kind and benevolent feelings. Bat to affirm that a complete woman can be formed in this

30 MMILY TRAINING.

way, where every influence but that of female has been entirely excluded, implies a practical paradox. And it is equally safe to assert, that no monk, merely as such, ever arrived any nearer the standard of a real man. Where the child is edu* cated, either wholly or mainly, by its own sex, it will be prone to the extreme tendency on its own side. The girl is liable to become sensitive and fastidious to a fault, in that very direction in which a proper degree forms the peculiar excellence and charm of her sex. The boy, when surrendered wholly, or mainly, to the moulding influence of men, becomes, almost as a matter of course, too masculine, when the sterner and more rugged elements of character overgrow and crush the finer and more delicate sensibilities, which should ever be present in full proportion, to blend with, to enliven and grace the more sturdy elements of manly bearing. Nor are these the only dangers which arise from a one-sided influence in training. For as in nature, so in education, one extreme is ever liable to be followed by the other. A boy whose nature has been tortured into a semi-barbarism by a one-sided education, if that nature has enough of elasticity left to spring back towards its natural position, as action and reaction are equal, will have a strong liability to fly to the opposite extreme, and while, forever destitute of the nice sensibilities of a well-balanced training, may have a passionate fondness for the other sex, which so far from elevating and refining, may speedily plunge him into the vortex of the direst dissipation. And a girl who becomes girlish in the extreme by a disproportionate female influence, if she ever breaks away from the shackles which will spoil her unless broken, will be more like to become a " gal boy," as our grandmothers used to call it ; in which case, the loss will be still greater than if she remained a very prude.

Hence, in order to educate one child into a true woman, and another into a real man, such as Infinite Wisdom designed, and for which he has laid a foundation in our natures, each character requires to be constantly wrought upon, by an influence from the opposite sex; that is, father and mother must both labor to mould the boys, and both also to give proper shape to the character of the girls. This cross-influence , constantlyexerted in due proportions of the proper quality, will prevent divergence, and cause the two lines of character to run parallel, each in its own sphere j and each fulfil the circle marked by Heaven.

Whether either branch of the family government should have the decisive authority in extreme cases, and where a harmony of views does not exist, I leave for each social organization to determine for themselves; since, in this day of many words on the subject of various rights, it hardly becomes an obscure writer to publish an opinion even to his friends. This, however, you may readily concede, that the masculine qualities of the father qualify him to manage the more difficult cases of the sons, especially of those in advanced years. While every son and daughter ought to be so disciplined and instructed, in infancy, and childhood, that occasions requiring transfer from the feminine to the masculine branch, will be rare.

Every father should most studiously avoid every movement which will have the least tendency to weaken the authority or diminish the influence of the mother. Whenever an exigency requires a transfer of agency, the work should be performed in behalf of the mother. Obedience and restoration should be secured for her, so that the entire result, so far as possible, shall be the same as though the entire case had been adjusted by her alone. Anything less than this, will rapidly diminish maternal authority, and reduce the best of mothers to the servile subjection of domineering children.

In closing this number, I was upon the point of saying, that the influence of father and mother should be as perfectly interwoven upon the child as the warp and woof of the best proportioned fabric. But this in one respect is too coarse a figure ; that is, it leaves the separate portions of influence too far apart, and too isolated, each from the other. The joint influence should rather be compared to the most perfect mixture of the materials, where each is separately dyed in the wool ;

and then so intermingled, as to result in a complexion perfectly distinct from either, through a compound of both. This evidently is the Creator's plan ; and those who carry out the plan most nearly to perfection, will doubtless be blest with the highest degree of success.

IV. Family Training Includes Discipline And In- Struction

Solomon says, — " Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." In the first clause of the verse we have a specific direction for practice. The latter clause implies, that faithful and persevering effort shall not go unrewarded. While the hearts of our children are in the hands of the Lord, we feel that good results will as surely flow from faithful efforts, as that any effect will flow from its appropriate cause. The experience of ages has tested the soundness of this position. Fami-

DISCIPLINE AND INSTRUCTION. 35

ly training involves two distinct considerations — discipline and instruction. And though distinct, they are most intimately related. No child can proceed far in the journey of life with profit, unless assisted from both these departments of culture. Nor can either of them do much for him, without the assistance of the other. You will allow me to call them the two guardian helpers of the child, in a difficult course toward an honorable and useful manhood. The Father of Mercies has given these twin auxiliaries a home in the bosom of every discreet parent ; thence to go forth to their work on the rising character, at the bidding of chastened affection and a conscientious sense of duty. Through the natural solicitude and rational love of the parent, these two departments of training were designed to act upon the child's welfare ; and, lest they should fail wholly, or in part, even when aided by these facilities, he has added the clear instructions of his own Inspired Word. The instructions of the Bible are the most full and clear on those very points, where human weakness would be the most liable to err. The Divine Author well knew that our natural affection, under the influence of imperfect natures, would need line upon line, touching specific duty, to prevent our relapse into an irrational fondness, whose perverted action would defeat the very object it was intended to secure. Natural affection must be strong and tireless, in order to undertake and carry out successfully the momentous interests of the child, and this very essential strength will sometimes cause it to fail in securing the object, if sober reason and Revelation are not often called in as counsellors. I say this very intensity, under the guidance of false principles, will defeat its own aims. The parent may, and often does, love his child to destruction, both temporal and eternal. Hence, all judicious training involves both discipline and instruction. But in treating these specific topics, you will not require that I should always keep them distinct. It will be more natural, and often more convenient, to intermingle the two, as they stand in practical life. There they must go hand in hand, one preparing the way for

DISCIPLINE AND INSTRUCTION. 37

the other, and also working with it, to render the whole substantial.

Discipline, when not attended by wholesome instruction, is often like "vinegar upon nitre." It excites a strong effervescence of passion, which, being under no guiding, controlling influence, is not directed to secure any valuable end. The discipline makes no advance upon the character ; and often leaves the last state of the child worse than the first. Discipline, without kind and wholesome instruction, is too often the offspring of rashness ; and when it is so, becomes in turn the prolific source of disaffection and obstinacy. And if you set instruction alone to guide and form the expanding nature, you will fail almost as surely as you undertake. For in this case, instruction as tutor, will often be so far in advance of the pupil as not to be a guide. The intellect may be kept full of the most wholesome precepts, and yet be almost as constantly leaking out, as it were, through the loose propensities and untrained habits. Unless healthful discipline be always v. tin call, and ready to minister salutary aid, when needed, much good instruction will go for nothing. According to the suggestion of good Robert Cecil, — Our children will make up their minds to follow our instructions; but unless we strengthen and guard these good resolutions with persevering care, their bodies, uiider the influence of the appetites and passions which dwell in them, will be ever neutralizing the best inclinations and the strongest purposes.

V. Words Respecting The Subject Of This Training

The subject of this training is your child. The first recognition it made of you, as father and mother, was a moment of inexpressible interest. This recognition implies that you are to perform the most decided and important part in giving direction to its impulses; — in cutting deep the channels for its joy or sorrow. You, with a blessing on your fidelity, or a frown on your neglect, are to determine, more than any other created

WORDS RESPECTING THIS TRAINING. 39

being, whether he shall be useful or worthless. Whether he shall make his father glad, or bring his mother to shame, will, to a great extent, depend on the manner you discharge parental duty. You have doubtless regarded any action in relation to such interests as serious business, while neglect of action, you may be sure, is the worst kind of agency. How important that your earliest movements be the product of sound wisdom.

Your child commences being in great feebleness. It has the merest germ of a mind in a very delicate body ; and God has given it an instinct which calls on you to supply its deficiencies. Those puny hands are almost useless, except when extended to you for assistance. Its tottering steps seek support just where the Creator has lodged the requisite care and ability. To find it hands and feet and muscles, while its own are in embryo, are the parent's duty in this department. Air and nourishment and rest and exercise, in such proportions and degree as will develop this germ according to the Maker's plan, are also yours to superintend. The successful exercise of a physical nature which is to be the temporary home of a human soul, affords large scope for the exercise of enlightened common sense. God indeed has laid the foundation, and is himself the master-workman ; and yet he has in no small degree, left the care of developement to his human auxiliaries. As such, it deeply becomes parents so to consider their employment as not to mar his handiwork.