The Christian parent

Preface

The present volume has been prepared from a deep sense of the importance of its subject, and in the belief that no work of the kind is now before the public. The writer has encountered difficulties, which have doubtless kept back others, and which, had they been all foreseen, might have deterred him from the undertaking.

In the first place, it is not easy to find the proper limits of so vast a field as that of parental education. We might well entitle a complete work on this subject, " A World-Discourse," or "A Universal Guide." For all topics are pertinent to it which relate either to the powers of our nature or to the history of their development. The whole theory of mental, moral, and spiritual influences is involved at every stage of the treatise. The entire circuit of experimental and practical life should be taken in the course it pursues. It should em-

IV PREFACE.

brace comprehensive principles, and these must be carried out and illustrated with minuteness.

The book, being intended for all classes of parents, the educated no less than the illiterate, ought to contain broad views, expressed with a pure taste ; but, at the same time, all subtilties must be avoided, the thoughts must be obvious, the style plain, and the illustrations familiar. Much may be well left to be supplied by the imaginative reader, and yet for the unlearned everything should be fully written out.

Amid these and other complex difficulties, all I have dared to anticipate is moderate success. If for any reason the attempt shall prove a failure, it is hoped the obstacles which stood in the way of the writer will serve to mitigate any strictures to which he might otherwise be reasonably subject.

The title of this volume is " The Christian Parent." In whatever other respects it has failed, I trust none will have cause to say it is untrue to its title. I have earnestly desired to do something to impress parents with a sense of their duties to their children as Christians. The claims of literature, patriotism, science, and art, and of the manifold industrial pursuits, on the attention of the young, should never be forgotten by the parent. But to have taken up

PREFACE.

these topics would have extended this work to

an inordinate length. I have, therefore, confined

myself, for the most part, to the single point

of moral and religious education. If anything

I has been done to enlighten and to quicken par-

, ents in this regard, my main object is accom-

' plished.

The work has grown constantly in my hands, j and the reader will notice occasional repetitions 1 of the same thought in various chapters. The different connections in which they occur will, it is hoped, excuse them in part. Perhaps " line upon line " was indispensable to fix the great principles of the writer in the mind.

Many parents will probably be disheartened by the great requisitions which this volume makes upon them. Let such consider, however, what a work they perform if they are but faithful parents. We may fail in our aspirations for wealth, honor, and power, but if we do our duty to our children, all other losses and disappointments are made up to ns. To bring up a family well is an object sufficient to compensate for any labor and anxieties, and to gratify any reasonable ambition. We see the mother become pale, while her daughters are full of bloom, and the father emaciated in proportion as the sons grow in stature and vigor.

VI PREFACE.

But let them not regret the change ; true, they must part with the energy of former days, but it is absorbed by those iu whom and for whom they now live. Let every parent, then, say, with a pious content, I must decrease, but these shall increase.

The position of our parents in this age is such, all thoughtful observers must perceive, as to call for the utterance of a clear and loud voice on the parental duties. Authority has nearly passed away from the fireside, and influence and moral suasion have as yet but imperfectly supplied its place. In this state of things, the conscientious parent is troubled, and is looking anxiously for light on the means and methods of fulfilling his task. If a single ray shall be thrown on his path by the perusal of this volume, the prayer of the writer will be answered, and his labor not unrewarded.

Cambridge, December 1, 1849.

Chapter I

HOME. ITS ASSOCIATIONS. ITS INFLUENCES.

PAGE

Memories of home. — Honored by Jesus. — A Divine institution. — Its ties universal; permanent. — Exert a moral and spiritual influence. — Restore to virtue. — Nurture liberality, spirituality. — Parental influence. — The mother's power ; the father's. — The mother and daughter. — Brothers and sisters. — Remark of Lamartine. — Home promotes sincerity. — Its enjoyments. — A foretaste of heaven. — Influence of its events. — Leaving home. — The final parting.

— Sacredness of home. — The spirit of Christ needed. — Privileges and dangers of home. — "Why are these ties formed ? — Reunion above. 1

Chapter II

THE PARENT. HIS OFFICE NOT TRANSFERABLE.

Educational means of the age. — What more can we need 1 — A prevailing error. — None can take the parent's place. — Testimony of J. Q. Adams. — Little now said to parents.

— Their work begins in the cradle. — Physical care. — Mental culture. — Moral and religious training. — " No place like home." — Memory of our parents' sacrifices. — Substitutes for home. — Reform schools. — The State can only imitate the parent. — Error of sending a child from home.

— Lreverence of children. — " Liberty and Equality." — Home must sustain the Sunday school. — The parent can trust no ao-ent in his stead. 26

Vlll CONTENTS.

Chapter III. The Step-mother

Difficulties of the step-mother. — The child needs a mother's love. — No natural fountain in the step-mother. — No natural love for this parent. — Interference of connections. — The husband's love greatest. — Different treatment of her own and her husband's children. — She must resolve and pray and strive to be just 41

Chapter IV. School Education

Decisive influence of the school-room. — Duties of the parent.

— First, to form a clear idea of the object of the school. — Moral above intellectual culture. — Secondly, importance of your part; what you can do. — Thirdly, home discipline. — Lady Jane Grey. — Imitate the mother of Increase Mather. — Fourthly, send your children regularly to school, and punctually. — Fifthly, converse with them about the school. — Excessive application to be shunned. — Sixthly, aid them in their studies. — Seventhly, attend examinations ; visit school at other times. — Eighthly, encourage liberal vacations and holidays, for the sake of health, moral improvement, and opportunities to leave home. — Ninthly, join domestic to school education. — Tenthly, teach that education is never " finished." — Keep up an interest in mental improvement. . 48

Chapter V

TEACHING INSUFFICIENT. TRAINING ESSENTIAL.

Most parents have some system of education. — Not a few instruct alone. — Training must be added. — We train for business, trades, &c. — Importance of habit. — The Danes had their wealth buried at their death. — Self-help essential.

— Good principles fixed only by practice. — Truthfulness, how insured. — Remark of Dr. Johnson. — Habit of exaggeration. — Must we tell the truth always? — Fear leads to untruth. — Anecdote of an African mother. — Profane speaking. — Asseverations to be avoided. — Little acts establish habits. — Reply of Plato. — Good manners at home.

— Paul a model of courtesy. — Nervous fears contagious. —

CONTENTS. IX

Practice of Montaigne. — Importance of industry. — Remark of Carlyle. — Idleness and vice. — Knowledge and character, their difference. — The conduct and the heart of the parent train his children. — Training essential to obedience 64

Chapter VI. Obedience

The foundation of government, law, and piety. — Obedience should be taught early. — Children like to be commanded. — The parent must be obeyed. — The Scriptures enjoin obedience to parents. — So does Providence. — God a model to the parent. — Obedience required by parental superiority. — The basis of a good character. — Warning of Hophni and Phineas. — Even harsh commands may do good. — Obedience does not weaken a child's love. — The parent must beware of anger. — Indulgence destroys love and gratitude. — We begin to govern our children too late.

— Children should not object and argue against their parents. — We give thanks for the authority of our own parents. — When we should allow our commands to be discussed, and when require implicit obedience. . . .82

Chapter VII. Corporal Punishment

Hoav shall obedience be secured ? — The rod sometimes safely laid aside. — Its u3e a violation of a law of nature. — The errors of the past may make it necessary. — The animals governed by kindness. — Whipping to save trouble and time. — Early care supersedes the rod. — Forbear threatening. — Never punish before others. — Take right methods.

— Watch opportunities. — Keep away temptations. — Allow for childhood. — Good dispositions, but little self-restraint. — Disobedience growing in this country. — The parent to be reinstated in authority. — Voices from homes of woe, and from prison- walls. 96

Chapter VIII. Self-government

The prophet Samuel ; the influence of his mother. — Her gov-

X CONTENTS.

eminent led him to se^-government. — " Each man a drama."- Activity of childhood. — Turn it inward. —Remark of NmTilis on the will. — Seek power over the child's will.

— Train to Belf-restramt, and to a control of desires. — IIlustration of Dr. Bushnell. — Desires the Bpring of happiness and of a balanced character.— Washington a model of self-control 108

Chapter IX

MORAL COURAGE. SELF-SACRIFICE.

Mural courage the need of this age. — " Do right because it is right." — Some children taught retaliation. — Franklin when a boy. — Self-possession in danger. — Lesson of the ancienl Mexicans. — Inspire to self-help. — The sailor-hoy

to he imitated.' — Duly llOt always pleasure. — Hard to

make children do for themselves.— Self-sacrifice, inculcated by Herbert. — The little girl with her sick mother. — Two courses before the parenl : First, to deny himself and deny Ins children j Secondly, lo Leave them unrestrained, and their characters unformed. — Leave them not to make up for your neglect 117

Chapter X. Motives To Be Addressed

Subtlety of human motives. — " The child is father of the man." — Beware of " the little foxes." — Scale of motives.

— Appetite and sense the lowest. — Hope ; ele\ ate and Cll-

courage it. — Fear: shun its excess. — Lord Byron. — Shame; servitude or fashion. — The traveller in New Mexico. — The love of gain. — ( Ihildren should lay up to give away. — Hiring children to do right. — The love of approbation. — Praise more than you blame. — Reward not

merely according to your own mood. — The lather and the

|, ,.i,| of wood. — " What did my child mean by this act ?" 126

Chapter XI

MOTIVES TO BE ADDRESSED. CONTINUED.

Family opinion. — Love to the parent. — Disinterestedness.

— Love to animals.— Example of a divine. — Desire of Superiority. — Love of improvement. — Conscientiousness.

CONTENTS. XI

— Confession of faults. — Enlighten conscience. — "I know I am right." — The fox among the grapes. — Different dispositions, how to be treated. — Learn to touch every note.

— Complexity of motives. — The approbation of God the highest motive 139

Chapter XII. Sympathy With Childhood

Jesus a friend to children. — We forbid their approach. — To teach a child, gain the spirit of a child. — Adaptation and sympathy of Paul. — Stoop to the child. — Error of the Pilgrims. — A gathering of children in London ; another in Boston. — " Discern, follow, lead." — Those we" love, we imitate. — Vice contagious. — Coldness between father and son. — Love must sweeten instruction. — The trials of childhood. — Place confidence in your children. — Allow for faults. — Be a child, and you are happy. — Keep yourself young. , .151

Chapter XIII. Recreations, Books, Companions, Occupation

A child's sports not trifles. — Children must have amusements.

— Join in their sports, and they will love and obey you. — The muster on the Daguerreotype-plate. — Memories of a pleasant home. — Direct your child's reading by sympathy.

— Children forced to read the Bible. — Dr. Johnson's experience of Sunday. — Value of a taste for good books. — Seldom acquired late in life. — Encourage your child to read to you the books he likes. — Influence the companionships of the young. — Excite and restrain their choice of friends wisely. — Choice of occupation, when to be dictated by the parent. — Two points : First, no employment to be chosen which has irresistible temptations ; Secondly, every one must have some occupation 162

Chapter XIV. Religious Education

Religion the sun of moral education. — The child led naturally to God. — Receives Him as a Witness ; as a moral Judge ; as a Father. — Cherish in him a love of Nature. — Remark of

Xll CONTENTS.

Paley. — Happiness of a love of Nature ; a moral safeguard. — Forms and institutions of religion. — Should little children be taken to church ? — The Sunday school depends on the parent. — Testimony of Dr. Bigelow. — What fathers and mothers can do for the Sunday school. — Why does this institution sometimes fail 1 — How shall a child spend the Sabbath ? — Reminiscence of repeating hymns in concert. — Value of good hymns. — Blend the idea of God with every event. 173

Chapter XV

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION. CONTINUED.

Death, wrong views of it. — The true view of it. — Two causes of the terrors of death : First, a sense of unfitness for the future world ; Secondly, injudicious education. — Examples given by Miss Hamilton, one of gloomy, another of cheerful, views of death. — Explain what children see at funerals. — Cemeteries adorned now. — Be minute in religious instruction. — How children should be taught to pray.

— Make the Bible your model. — Anecdote of the French Quaker. — Awaken a love of the Bible. — Doctrinal instruction. — Inculcate charity and philanthropy. — Piety the central figure in life's picture. — Be pious yourself; then life or death will be well for you and your children. . 186

Chapter XVI. Domestic Worship

The antiqtiity of family prayer. — Its advantages. — Morning and evening call for it. — Equal wants of the family. — Promotes a Christian spirit. — Diminishes envy, and selfishness in general. — Interrupts our earthliness. — Sets up a pure standard in the family. — Impresses the young favorably. — Consistent with other parental offices. — Prepares for the day of trouble and bereavement. — Makes religion seem a reality. — Teaches us that we are only pilgrims here.

— A prayerless family an affecting spectacle. . . .199

Chapter XVII. Objections To Family Prayer

" It is properly only for professors of religion." — " My life

CONTENTS. Xlll

would not correspond to this act." — Mixed character of the family. — Different sects in it. — "I cannot find time for it." — Inability to peiform the service. — Tear of criticism.

— Natural diffidence. — A form recommended. — Shall the torch of fireside devotion expire in our hands ? — Christianity a social religion. — The father under the highest obligations to the family. — Fix the time when you will set up an altar to God 213

Chapter XVIII

THE BIBLE. SINGING.

" The neglected Bible." — Restore the reading of this book.

— Read it in turn at family worship. — Let children select passages. — Bitter recollections of reading the Bible in course. — Methods to make it interesting. — Baptism and the Lord's Supper. — Singing as a part of domestic worship. — Music as a means of happiness ; an aid in mental culture. — Bad taste of " Negro Melodies." — Preoccupy the mind with good songs. — Vocal music aids parental discipline. — Family music binds to the fireside. — Is a means of making others happy. — Prepares for singing in the Sunday school, and at church. — Congregational singing. — Singing a healthful exercise 224

Chapter XIX. Reasonable Expectations

Expect little and you will gain much. — Too great expectations, their evils. — The boy not a man. — Restlessness a good thing in children. — Give it scope by occupation. — Do not expect gravity in childhood. — Love of authority not an evil. — Good manners in private insure propriety in company. — How to make children grateful, — Speak of your own services. — Teach the young to express thanks.

— Gratitude to man awakens piety to God. — The child must learn by experience. — How to foster a benevolent disposition. — Warn against ridicule and mimicry. — Avoid scolding. — Destroy the appetite for contention, &c. — A hint from military tactics. — Patience and deliberation essential. 236

XIV CONTENTS.

Chapter XX. Incidental Education

" Education a trite subject." — Do we know everything pertaining to it 1 — Two classes of means, direct and indirect. — We understand the former, but not the latter. — Indirect means the most powerful. — Incidental education; illustrated in Nicoll, Chatterton, and Linnaeus. — One event may decide our whole fortune. — Too little thought of incidental culture. — Its great fountain is home. — Effect of common conversation. — "What subjects predominate ? — Converse like Jesus. — Power of example, seen in a tribe of Indians. — An agent mightier than teachers and books. — No Jesuitry can deceive a child. — Be what you would appear. — Direct education important in its place. — Actions more potent than words 250

Chapter XXI

INCIDENTAL EDUCATION. CONTINUED.

Amazing progress in the first six years. — The true mode of moral education. — Evil of parental partialities ; seen in Isaac and Jacob. — Importance of agreement in education between parents. — Indirect influence of applying coarse epithets to parents or to children. — Observation. — " Eyes and no Eyes, or the Art of Seeing." — Advice of Montaigne. — Beware of personal peculiarities. — The child's mind a stereotype-plate. — Watchfulness good for the parent. — Law of the Puritans. — Parental retribution. . . 264

Chapter XXII. Indirect Influence Of The Mother

Testimony of Amie Martin. — Two points require the mother's special attention. — Eirst, health ; the elder daughters. — Dangers of this age. — Secondly, the culture of common sense. — Daughters need strong minds. — Cultivate a taste for the fine arts. — Power of the voice over children — Example of a patient mother. — Love for the sick and the deformed • 276

CONTENTS. XV

Chapter XXIII

Anxieties relative to the body, the mind, and the character. — God a sovereign with our children. — Family ambition. — What the parent can decide. — Principles and habits controllable. — Companionships. — Cowper's view. — " Guarded exposure" recommended. — Religious instruction. — Increase of juvenile crime. — How save our children from the prison. — Migratory spirit of the young. — An evil of college life. — Home influence needed at all ages. — " Hope on, hope ever." — Comfort amid fears. — Absorption in our children. — The dying mother's prayer. — Be anxious to do your own duty. — " Guard thy heart's album." . . . 289

Chapter XXIV

EDUCATE JOINTLY FOR. BOTH WORLDS.

We separate the two worlds. — The New Testament unites them. — Care of the body. — A great principle stated. — Physical regimen ; exercise, bathing, pure air, &c — Train the young to be children first. — The minister who died young. — How to join earth and heaven. — Make the dead your child's teachers. — What truth to be the corner-stone. — The world ivithin. — Reliance on family wealth and distinction. — The boy needs a root in himself. — How can we find time to do so much 1 — Shoals and rocks. — No conflict of duties. — Our ambitious aspirations ; what though we fail in them 1 — The gold sacrificed for the dross. — Time saved by beginning right; labor saved. — The trouble of an obedient and a disobedient child. — How to escape anxieties. — Progress the great thing. — The final parting. . 305

THE CHRISTIAN PARENT.

Chapter I

HOME. ITS ASSOCIATIONS. ITS INFLUENCES.

Home, — what associations cluster around that brief word ! Whether we contemplate the origin, the peculiar nature, or the duration of its bonds, how delightful is the theme ! It was there our unsoiled spirits first waked to a vital consciousness. It was there a mother's love once watched our slightest movement and our every wish, and a father's care and counsels were early and ever around us. There, too, it was, that from cradled helplessness we advanced through childhood's happy hours and youth's unclouded hopes. And when the sad day came to try our hearts with unknown scenes and anxious toils, it was home, its honored forms, its fraternal ties, its dear remembrances, from which, " with lingering steps and slow, we took our way."

But more than this, it is there Christianity erects her throne. The Saviour of the world, as he hung upon the cross, amid bodily agonies and mental 1 pangs, with a sublime forgetfulness of himself, thought of his mother's wants, and in words brief — for his sufferings permitted him no lengthened speech — he committed that mother to the care of his beloved disciple. Henceforth the tender tie to her, severed by his own departure, is to be renewed between these two individuals. In the act itself, and in the selection for this office of the affectionate John, Jesus exhibited, what he has been singularly charged with lacking, the strongest regard for the domestic relations. He taught the great lesson, that they who would be his true disciples must " be careful to show piety at home." Plis whole life, indeed, by its tender and holy affections, its meek and quiet virtues, the love he bore to Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, the raising of the widow's son, and by how many other similar incidents, manifests a constant respect for the fireside virtues. It has been remarked, that " Jesus began every great section of his life with some domestic scene." His advent occurred amid the genial influences of home. The gentle Joseph and Mary, a father and a mother, brethren and sisters, all were there. His first miracle was blessed by his mother's presence ; and Bethany, and Nain, and how many other hallowed spots, bore witness to the home-born, humanizing nature of his religion.

For many reasons, it will be found we can hardly attach too great importance to our home.

Consider, first, that it is a Divine institution ; its

HOME.

relations were established by God himself. It was he who pronounced it not good for man to be alone, and gave him a companion, and ordained through these two all the families of the earth. The world is filled with other institutions, embracing the interests of religion, of government, of society, and oi country. But these are nearly all human institutions ; few, if any of them, can be said to have been positively and directly established from above. They differ in this respect entirely from our domestic relations, and they are so far of secondary importance.

Then, too, the ties of home are universal. God evidently intended that they should be respected by, and formed between, all his children. Many of them are altogether involuntary, and the others, wherever the race have been civilized, are voluntarily established. Think of the millions of homes embraced in this single country. What a multitude of protecting roofs invite the weary, as each nightfall returns, to gather beneath them for repose ! How many doors are opened with the breath of every morning, to send forth a tide of living souls, that swells and sweeps onward, each passing year, with a rapidity we can scarcely measure ! What influences are here ! What a sway, for the weal or woe of individuals and of the nation, must these domestic ties every day and every hour exert !

Yet more, the relations of home are permanent. All others on earth do, or may, change ; we can form

THE CHRISTIAN PARENT.

and we can dissolve the partnerships of gain, of honor, of pleasure, and to some extent we can modify our friendships. But the bonds of the fireside are, for the most part, indissoluble. So long as we live, so long do we continue husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, brethren and sisters. Days may come of temporary alienation and coldness. Some, indeed, may never join us in the happy family meeting ; but the bond still holds between these and ourselves, as between us who do meet. Be our lot one of affluence or of need, rise we to distinction or sink we to obscurity, nay, what is far more affecting, possess we such virtues and graces as to command the respect and win the love of all around us, and excite a just pride in our characters, or yield we to temptation, and bring we on ourselves a name that shall pierce like an arrow our tenderest relative, the bond still holds between us. Together we are to divide Heaven's bright gifts, and to taste each bitter cup our Father may send us ; and together, with inextinguishable sympathies, " if one member suffer, shall all the members suffer with it, and if one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it." Though lands separate, or oceans roll between us, and we never more look on the face of each other, the same bond still unites us. How momentous is the unchangeableness of these ties ! What an interest and what importance does it give to them ! Nor is it the permanence alone of our domestic

HOME.

relations which clothes them with consequence. They exert, in their legitimate tendency, a deep moral and spiritual influence. A Christian home tends to preserve and to increase the purity of all its inmates ; they act and react upon each other for good. Those who constitute the united head of a family are intrusted not only with the happiness, but the character, of each other. They cannot be faithful to their position, without becoming mutual helpers in the great work of personal virtue. Let either have a high moral standard, and rise steadily toward it, the other also will advance in the same direction. Who has not seen the power, the almost divine power, of goodness illustrated in some family where the " believing wife sanctified the unbelieving husband " ? Here are two individuals, who stand pledged, through all the changing periods and circumstances of life, to love, honor, and aid one another. What tenderness and confidence, what watchfulness and self-sacrifice, are involved in that pledge ! Can there be a more perfect seminary than this for moral and spiritual culture ? If the vow be paid, if these two hearts do thus beat in unison, then will they surely attain the fulness of the Gospel stature. Here, within this consecrated bond, will Christian charity, a spirit of unaffected kindness, that precious disposition which knows not envy, resentment, pride, nor any malign quality whatever, be gained and matured. In this, the only connection of its kind upon earth,

D THE CHRISTIAN PARENT.

does man most directly learn that only true greatness, to live out of himself, to forget in a measure his own contracted indulgences in rejoicing with another, — to control each selfish grief, and to enlarge each disinterested feeling. And here, as with the revolving years come the changes of life, — as trouble, sickness, bereavement, and sorrows, wave after wave, break on these hearts, — there is awakened a growing spirit of submission to Providence, and of prayer, and of a holy, ever-deepening trust.

There are no agencies on earth so powerful for the preservation and growth of our moral energies as those of home. And when we have gone astray in the world, we cannot return to our fireside without hearing voices that call us to repent. Where is it that the wanderer usually feels first a disposition to break off his vices ? Can the erring father reflect on his example, and look on his sons, and still continue in iniquity ? There is an eloquence in the tones of a gentle wife which must penetrate the heart of her fallen husband. There is a power in the very countenance of a good mother which must melt that son who comes home reeling from the haunts of dissipation, from the abode of licentiousness, or from the gaming-table and the cup.

The fireside is the natural nursery of liberal souls, and of an enlarged, active excellence. They who cherish that spirit of disinterestedness to which its relations constantly incite them will find their moral

HOME.

sympathies extending more and more, and their disposition to social usefulness daily strengthened. Where are we to look for the genuine patriot, or the sincere philanthropist, except among those true to the calls and claims of home ? He that is faithful in that which is least is most likely to be faithful in the greatest of his duties. Name to me a family among whose members the law of kindness prevails, where husband and wife have no strifes but in generosities to each other, and where the brothers and sisters are emulous to render services to one another, and the children leap to wait round the father and mother, and I will go there with confidence for Sunday-school teachers, for almoners to the poor, and for young missionaries of the cross.