A talk with my pupils

Front matter

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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

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Chapter II. Daughters Axd Sisters

When a young girl returns home from school, or when, not having been away, she ceases to be a school-girl, what are the new duties that devolve upon her ? What must she bring to the common stock of materials out of which domestic life is wrought ? This is a question that she should ask and seriously consider. The domestic relations have been established by God, both for our enjoyment and improvement. They are all beautiful, all, when their duties are properly fulfilled, calculated to quicken into ever newer and fresher life, the best feelings of our nature, and impart force and vigor to its highest tendencies. The most attractive image under which Grod can be presented to us, is that of a father; and Jesus, to show the nature of the blessed tie which binds him to the human family, calls himself our brother and friend.

Let me, first of all, guard you against an error which, I think, may be at the foundation of much domestic misery and disappointment. It is that 1* of supposing that parents and children, brothers and sisters, necessarily love each other, by virtue of the relation which nature has established between them. Whereas, although there is, or always should be, a certain dutiful feeling of obligation to adhere together, and discharge towards one another the duties of kindred, yet affection can be based only upon respect and mutual sympathy and service. When I have seen a father of stern, arbitrary temper, hold over his family the heavy hand of an oppressor, ruling them with a rod of iron ; when I have seen the selfish man unceasing in unreasonable exaction, acting always with a single eye to his own convenience, and his own preferences, and making every domestic arrangement solely with reference to his own purposes ; both, apparently, receiving the compulsory devotion of their wives and children, as the homage of affection, I have felt disposed to ask, " And do you believe that these can really love you, who see that their happiness is as nothing to you in comparison with your own, and who cannot find in you any of those qualities to which love is responsive ?" Such men might be shocked, perhaps, by having such a question put to them, and by being awakened out of their dream, thrt they were loved and respected as a matter of course, by right of being husbands and fathers. And so also, might women, not a small class, I fear, discontented, peevish, unamiable, fault-finding wives and mothers, who are inattentive, indifferent to the comfort of their families, irritable towards their husbands, capricious with their children, and arrogant to their servants, without fear or suspicion that they shall not receive a full measure of affection and respect. And when I see brothers and sisters acting unworthily, self-seeking, heedless of one another's convenience or pleasure, jealous of one another, ill-tempered, etc., I say to myself, " Oh ! what suffering must be endured, when those are bound together by ties of so intimate a nature, who have not oneness of heart." They who desire to be loved must first deserve to be so, in every relation.

Mrs. Kemble, the great revealer of Shakspeare, once said to me, that it was with Shakspeare as with the Bible, she never opened it without finding something new. And, in illustration, she quoted a line in Romeo and Juliet, which had that day particularly attracted her attention, in which Juliet calls Romeo, " lover, husband, friend," making the last epithet the culmination of all the rest. Now, the father must be also the friend of his children, the husband of his wife, the wife of her husband; the brothers and sisters, of one another. True friendship will refrain from everything that can injure or annoy its objects, and seek for every thing that can benefit them. That word friend is a glorious old Saxon word. Do all you can to illustrate its meaning.

The relation of brother and sister is, in some sort, a preparation for that of husband and wife. So educate your sons that they shall be to their sisters the type of what a husband ought to be ; and so educate your daughters that their brothers shall be made incapable, through association with them, of uniting themselves with the inferior and the unworthy of their sex. If sisters are what they should be, they will inspire in their brothers a true, chivalric spirit, and this will have its proper natural training, in its exercise towards them. Let sisters have that in them which is so noble as to be revered, so attractive as to be lovingly and tenderly cherished, so sacred as to be worthy of all self-sacrifice in its protection and defense, then will the young men have already watched their armor in the sacred enclosure of home, and consecrated it to the cause of honor, truth, and right, before going forth into life's battle-field.

To return to my emancipated school-girl. She must bring with her, first, a conviction that home is a sphere of duty. If necessary, she must cheerfully give the aid of her hands in some of its arrangements. She must be glad of every opportunity, small as well as great, to render assistance in any way to her father or mother, in acknowledgment of her great d^: to them, rejoicing that she is permitted " still paying, still to owe." If she has younger brothers and sisters, she must make herself acceptable and agreeable to them, by sweetness and patience in her intercourse with them, by sympathy in all their pursuits and enjoyments, avoiding always, unless left by her parents in charge of them, the assertion of authority, which, when assumed by an elder sister, is apt to awaken strong resistance, inspired by the feeling that animated a little boy I knew, who, when about three years old, replied indignantly to an aunt that said, <; If you do so and so, I shall certainly punish you," " You aint the one that must."

If it be true, that little things make up the sum of human life and happiness, this may be especially affirmed of domestic life. As a small speck in the eye may deprive it of vision, and make it the medium exclusively of a sensation of pain ; as a pinching shoe or an ill-fining garment may produce an abiding sense of discomfort, not in the least degree modified by the fact that, in other respects, the dress is all right ; so, little faults in ourselves may give great annoyance to those with whom we are in intimate association.

Punctuality has been called one of the minor virtues. If its place in the scale were decided by its important bearing upon all the arrangements of life, it might attain majority. The unjDunctual are perpetual thieves of other men's time. This alone, is sufficient to stamp them with reprobation. A want of punctuality is one of the many forms of selfishness, the root of all evil. If your father is a man who counts much upon the pleasure of having all his family with him at his meals, you may, by your dilatoriness, quite spoil them for him, any proof of a child's indifference being a poor appetizer. Nor is it merely with the enjoyment of his meal that you may interfere, but with its digestion ; since the most material functions of our material bodies, are greatly assisted, or greatly hindered, by moral agencies.

The unpunctual man is apt to think that the greatest evil he occasions, by his special infirmity, is temporary inconvenience or disappointment. But this is not so. If one of his delays should disturb only the arrangements for one day of a single person, he may congratulate himself. Order is Heaven's first law ; and the second, regular routine, is like unto it. If the earth and the moon were to loiter in their course, and accomplish their revolutions at uncertain times, and in uncertain periods, everything here would be out of joint. And so is everything put out of joint that is in the sphere of duty and occupation of the procrastinator. If the duty that belongs to one hour be deferred to another, they seem subjected to a process that merges one in another, until all are reduced to a single vanishing point, and leave do record behind them. What bitter disappointment and what serious annoyance and loss, may come from a letter a little too late for the mail — a bill paid after the promised time — an appointment not kept — a commission deferred ! Xote for yourselves, and think on these things.

Punctuality is essential to another virtue — reliableness, Do all that you promise to do, and all that you are rightfully required and expected to do, as certainly, so far as it depends upon yourself, as the sun rises and sets, so that the hearts of all with whom you are in any way connected, may " safely trust" in you. Then you will become " pillars of support" in the family and in society, instead of broken reeds. The comfort and satisfaction of dealing with the truly reliable is immense, as, of course, also is the misery of all intercourse with the unreliable. Go, when you say you will go ; come, when you say you will come ; do this and that, when you say you will do it, even if it be a little thing, without being deterred by any but insuperable obstacles. Some of you will remember how once, when a party from a neighboring village had engaged to pass the evening with me, and sent a messenger at noon to say that the bad state of the roads must prevent their coming, we all went down in the large sleigh to tell them, at their own doors, how sorry we were, also.

Some people, who would not break any important promise, have little or no conscience in regard to small promises. I advise you to cultivate in yourselves, and in your children after you, the obligation of these especially ; for, as in the case of pounds and pence, if the latter are cared for, the others will take care of themselves.

Nor is the manifestation of this reliableness to be confined to action ; it must belong as well to moods and phases of feeling, and is opposed to caprice and inconstancy of every sort. Let those who have a natural claim to dependence of some sort or other upon you, and those to whom, by preference of friendship or offers of service, you have given a claim, never be disappointed in their reasonable expectations. The complaint "I never know where to find him," so often heard in society, is applicable, unfortunately, to a large class, with whom is such variableness, that, whether you shall meet frowns or smiles from them ; whether you shall receive a cordial shake of the hand, or have a cold shoulder turned towards you — whether, if your character is attacked, they will defend you, or seem, by their silence, to acquiesce in the condemnation — is all matter of uncertainty. There is no real friend, that is not a steadfast friend, that cannot be relied upon for friendly regard and con-

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sideration, under all circumstances. And lie is not a good neighbor, or desirable acquaintance, who gives testimonies of good-will one day, which, for no obvious reason, he entirely withholds on the next. Have as little to do with such people as possible, and "be ye not, therefore, like unto them."

Daughters and sisters should be like flowers and sunshine in a house. They have not yet, in ordinary circumstances, grave responsibilities, nor onerous duties. They have a right to be, to a certain extent, ornamental ; and their light-heartedness should diffuse cheerfulness and joy throughout the whole house. They should try, also, to make it attractive by all sorts of tasteful arrangements and simple decorations — such as may be gathered from gardens and the woods. Their voices should be as the sound of music, and their presence full of all " sweet influences," like the seven sisters of the heavens. They should watch for occasions of giving pleasure in a thousand little ways, by unlookedfor tokens of love and remembrance, or by agreeable surprises.

Why do little gifts and offerings of slight value in themselves, often impart so much pleasure, but because they betoken remembrance and consideration ; and what can better show how subtle and wonder-working is the power of association, by which importance and dignity are imparted to the homeliest thing, on account of what it is made to signify, than that even by providing a favorite dish we may touch the heart of one we love. Thus, love spiritualizes life even through material agencies, when it is its moving principle. The regular observance of birthdays may become a mere form ; but when the record is evidently kept — not in the almanac, but on the tablets of the heart — and an offering, however simple, is presented in proof of its accuracy, it awakens a sentiment that becomes a source of new inspiration, new strength, and new joy; and the birthday is made to foreshadow that which shall introduce the soul into the sphere of immortal life. This reminds me to tell you of the beautiful manner in which one man whom I know observes the birthday of a living friend, and of one who is no longer here. When that of the former occurs, he has a bountiful, excellent entertainment provided for the poor women of a large institution in the city of his residence ; and on the occasion of the other, he furnishes the nearest friends of the departed one with gifts, to present to any whom they may like so to remember on "Willy's" birthday.

Many persons are naturally kindhearted, who have not been made, by education, thoughtful and considerate of others. They would do a great deal more for their fellow-beings, especially in little ways, if it only occurred to them to use their opportunities — cultivate a habit of consideration . Let those with whom you are intimately associated, see that you bear ever in your mind their peculiar tastes and preferences, and like to gratify them ; while you avoid, as much as possible, what is displeasing to them. There is a certain quiet, noiseless recognition of those rights of another, which the heart loves to acknowledge, that is expressed by symbols — is manifested by deeds, not words. There are voiceless utterances throughout a dwelling from morning until night, which make an inscription on its walls, "wanting" or " not wanting." You find among its members one, perhaps, who claims nothing for herself, yet never waits to be asked what others want, and makes all conscious of a presence as loving and kindly to them as the sun and dew to the flower ; and another, isolated, self-absorbed, cold, and repulsive, a link fallen out of the chain of humanity and brotherhood. "Which would you most like to resemble ? Nor will such an one as my model confine her sweet charities to the home circle. She will not forget how the weary eyes of the lonely sick girl may be lightened by the sight of fresh flowers, while her heart is cheered by the odor of remembrance that breathes from them ; how the poor mother, exhausted with nursing her sick family, may be refreshed by a drive ; how the loan of a book may benefit and delight the seamstress at the end of her day's work.

Sons are no longer needed, as in the olden time, " to speak with the enemy in the gates," but it is the more especial office of daughters, I think, to receive and welcome the guests and friends of the house, and assist in their entertainment. They cannot be too early inspired with the spirit, or trained to the practice of true hospitality. They should demean themselves courteously to all, and do whatever in them lies, to please them and make them happy. Whomsoever their father or mother choose to invite or admit to the house, must, on that account, if on that alone, be made welcome by them. Much has been said of the difficulty of speaking and practising the truth in the ordinary intercourse of society, without violating courtesy; and I admit that it is very hard to avoid saying sometimes, "I am glad to see you," etc., when such is not the case ; but, as the simple practice of the golden rule would produce a sort of communism, answering a thousand times better than any system devised by Fourier, or attempted to be carried out by some American enthusiast, to level the inequalities of society, and give all men a fair chance for happiness and improvement ; so a truly Christian good-will to our fellow-men, would make us glad to meet them for their own sakes, if not for ours, and enable us to say truly, under the consciousness of being able to give them pleasure, that which otherwise would not be true.

It may be that some of you will have a step mother ; if so, take care that you do not, by your own misconduct, help to make the relation, what it is very commonly supposed to be, one productive only of misery. To fulfill it well, requires, on the part of the mother, the exercise of high principle and great wisdom, a union not very often found, and, for that reason, and that only, I presume, " Novercce terribilcs" have been the terror of motherless children. A great deal of mischief is often done beforehand by servants, and officious acquaintance, instilling into the minds of such, the idea that "father has no business to marry again," and that whomsoever he may put in the place of their mother, will be their enemy ; thus doing much to create the evil they predict.

Question not your father's right to do what he pleases in the matter. Xothing but a solemn vow never to marry yourself and leave him, would give you a claim even to remonstrate with him. If you truly love him, you will be kind and friendly to her whom he makes his wife, for his sake, and the right performance of your own duty in the new relation will be essential to its true and proper character.

I have known step-mothers who were more faithful to their step-children, in every way, than many mothers to their own children, because more capable and more conscientious. I have known a young man of obstinate temper, who had been found unmanageable at school and at home, completelysubdued and won by the gentle firmness and kind devotion of a step-mother. I have known a step-mother whose husband's income was small, and who could allow herself but one servant, refuse to avail herself of the aid of his daughters in the family, because she thought they should have all their time for school, and encourage their father to send them to the best he could possibly afford. I have known a young man who, when he wanted any favors of his father, would request his step-mother to intercede for him — and I have seen a step-mother's eyes fill with tears at the praises of her step-daughter. Properly fulfilled, it becomes a beautiful relation, all the more beautiful from its inherent delicacy and difficulty.

Chapter III. Relations With The Poor And Friendless

As this is the period when, if at all, perhaps, your relations with the poor and the suffering will be established, some remarks upon the kind of intercourse with this large class of our fellow-beings, most likely to profit both them and ourselves, will not be out of place here.

Jesus says : " All mankind are brethren." Do we so regard them? If true disciples of Jesus, we must do so, and yet, I think that many deceive themselves, using the phrase, while its spirit escapes from them. A lady with whom I once met in travelling, told me of the great indebtedness she felt to Doctor Channing for some ideas derived from him, on the subject of Christian intercourse with the poor. She said she had learned from him to go among them, as their friend and equal, in Burns' phrase, as " their poor earth-born companion and fellow-mortal," and that, therefore, not only her satisfaction in aiding them, but her usefulness, had been greatly increased, for she found herself achieving more by the manifestation of a real sympathy with them, than she had ever done by any relief afforded to their material wants. " Silver and gold have I none, but such as I have give I unto thee.' Every human being has that to give which is better than either, and a great deal more acceptable. This lady was an Episcopalian, and so deep was her feeling of gratitude and reverence for Doctor Channing, that, upon finding a notice of him after his death, in her Episcopalian newspaper, derogatory to his claim of being regarded as a Christian, she immediately discontinued it.

Our Saviour says, " Come unto me, all ye that are weary and heavy laden," and the life of every true disciple should breathe the same invitation, so that the poor and suffering should come to him as freely as they came to his Master. I have known one or two eminent instances where this was the case, but I fear they are comparatively rare. Some have the good-will, but not the tact, perhaps, so to meet their fellow-creatures, and lament all their lives, a certain inaptitude, whether of temperament or something else, which prevents them ; but, generally, the defect is want of will.

" Do you know," said a young friend of mine, " what an adoration my black cook has for uncle C. ?"

"No; does she know him V

" She hardly knows him at all, but if she hears that he is in the house she is very happy ; and if

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he passes through the kitchen, and speaks to her, she is perfectly enchanted."

" And what is the explanation of this ?" " Simply that once when she had passed anight in his house, with a servant of his, and was coming away before breakfast, he saw her getting into the stage at the door, and said : ' What ! going away without breakfast ! That will never do,' and, running into the house, brought her a cup of coffee."

This is a very slight incident, but see how significant it is, and touching too. If similar recognitions of human brotherhood were not so rare, the heart of that poor woman would not have been so deeply moved. Acts of this nature marked every day and hour of this uncle's life. A young lady, when she saw him running out, in a cold winter's day, to insist upon lending a great coat to a worthless man passing by, who had set off without one, on a cold winter's drive, said of him, " I never saw such a man ; I never heard of such a man, and I never read of such a man." When he died, his humble friends, in " all the region round about," came flocking to the chamber of death, as if to a place they had a right to visit, and wrung their hands, and wept over him. Several of them afterwards received some little gifts in memory of him, with tears streaming down their faces. One of them, an Irishman, said,

" I have lost the best friend I ever had, and he always trated me just the same as if I was a jintleman."

What else is meant by giving a cup of cold water in the name of the Lord, than offering it in a true spirit of Christian love and kindness. " Inasmuch as ye have done it," etc. Those are wonderful words, and should be carefully weighed ; for they apply as well to acts of oppression, injustice, cruelty, unkindness, as to those of an opposite character. " Ye have done it unto me!" What an intimate union does this imply between the Saviour and those to whom he was sent. What ineffable love and sympathy and tenderness on his part, for all — even the lowest and most degraded ! How dare we grieve Him on their account ? How can we afford to forego the blessedness of doing unto Him, by doing for them, and for all with whom we have intercourse of any sort, what He will approve (

I once heard a sermon from the text, " Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy," and said to myself, surely no invention of man's seeking can here be made to supersede, as so often is done, the simple meaning of Christ's beautiful precept. But the clergyman, after dwelling slightly upon the duty of being merciful in the ordinary acceptation of the word, proceeded to exhort his hearers not to forget, in their care for men's

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bodies, the greater and more important needs of their souls ; and devoted himself, almost exclusively, to an inculcation of the duty of praying for them, and laboring with them for their salvation. In every community are found not a few, I fear, both of the self-righteous and niggardly ; and I could not but imagine some of the congregation praying afterwards complacently and fervently for their fellow-men, or exhorting them, earnestly, to " flee from the wrath to come," for the smallest of whose wants they would never have an open hand. What can so well persuade men to righteousness as the exhibition of a truly Christian life, ordered after our Saviour's example ? It was said by a young man who knew the " uncle," already spoken of, " There was a period when I turned skeptical, and lost all my religious faith. But I became acquainted with him, and his life was such a gospel, that I was reclaimed by it."

In all our ministrations, of every sort, we should regard ourselves as G-od's agents, and cultivate a habit of deep and profound gratitude to him for every opportunity of making a fellow-creature better or happier — for the privilege of being appointed by him to confer a benefit of any kind, or in any form. This beautiful petition occurs in a prayer found after his death among the papers of the uncle, " May we consider every opportunity of adding to the happiness of any creature as a merciful provision for our own, if we will rightly improve it."

I speak in this chapter of our relations with the poor, as they are found in ordinary life. Without any departure from ordinary routine and custom, one who is alert in doing good will have no lack of opportunity ; whereas, for the want of this alertness, favorable occasions often pass unimproved, perhaps unperceived.

A friend of mine, whose genuine love for his fellow-beings keeps his eye wide awake to their interests, under all circumstances, was holding a court in Boston, when a little boy, with a fine, open countenance, was brought before him on the charge of stealing a breast-pin. A gentleman was in attendance — a good Samaritan — whose regular occupation it was to hang about the criminal courts for the very purpose of befriending the accused, and preventing the wrong and suffering that may come, even to the innocent, from the want of a " friend in need." The judge begged him to talk with the boy, and find out his story. He represented himself as from Scotland, sent here by his uncles to place him beyond the reach of a cruel step-mother. He said that he had recently arrived in the country, and was staying at a boarding-house, before he was put in prison. " Did you steal the breast-pin V" it was asked. "Yes, sir ; I suppose it is called stealing." " Tell me

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how it was." " There was another boy at the boarding-house ; he took my handkerchief, and would not let me have it again, so I took his pin." The judge afterwards talked himself with the little boy, and said to him, " If we can find you a good home, where you can learn to work and support yourself, would you like to have it ?" " Yes, sir." " Is there any one you know whom you would like to live with?" " Yes, sir." "Who is it?" "You, sir." The judge would gladly have taken the little friendless boy under his own charge, but there were obstacles in the way which he could not surmount. He availed himself, however, of certain discretionary powers, and engaged the good Samaritan to look out a place for him. He was fortunate in his search, and after the little boy had been some time in his new home, there came a most satisfactory report of him from his employer. " He was the best little boy that ever was ; nothing would induce him to part with him." This is a case in point to show how much wrong, as well as injury, is often done by criminal prosecutions. If the judge had been intent only upon using his prerogative, had he been a man without ready sympathies, this little boy would probably have been confined in a prison long enough to have his character for ever ruined.

I shall speak in another chapter on this subject, in connection with servants ; but, in the mean time, will suggest here the great wickedness of criminal procedures against the young, the ignorant, the friendless, the needy, unless for very flagrant offenses, A disposition to theft, for instance, even where no great temptation to it exists, seems to be lodged sometimes in the very fingers' ends. I know at this moment two gentlemen, of great uprightness of character, who, when lads, were each guilty of this sin, at least once. Had they been poor boys, they would, in all probability, have been subjected to legal penalty. Many years ago, in a certain town in Massachusetts, a young lad apprenticed to a watch-maker, who had always borne a good character, was found to have taken from the case three pairs of spectacles. This singular selection of articles might have given his master pause — his previous good character certainly should have constituted some ground for hesitation on his part ; but no, he had him instantly taken up, as a thief, although he was " the only son of his mother, and she a widow." The poor woman, of course, was nearly broken-hearted. He was tried and condemned. Before the term of his imprisonment expired, a disease of the brain, of which probably the theft was the early symptom, developed itself, and he became idiotic, and died.