The fireside friend, or Female student: being advice to young ladies on the important subject of education

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FIRESIDE FRIEND,

Preface

In answering a call to furnish some volumes for ' The School Library,' the author offers, first, the following revised edition of her ' Lectures to Young Ladies, or Female Student.' Being intended as a reading book for the domestic circle, or family fireside, she has superadded the title of the ' Fireside Friend. ' The call for successive editions of this work, in America, go the fact of its having been reprinted and extensively circulated in England and Scotland, give the author a confidence, in again bringing it befof's that public, whom, not only with her pen, but in active efforts in the cause of education, she has long served.

Rahway (N. J.) Female Institute.

April, 1840.

I

Introduction

This Work consists of the following parts :

1. Preliminary Views on Education in General.

2. Physical Education.

3. Intellectual Cultivation.

4. Manners and Accomplishments.

5. Teaching and Teachers.

6. Domestic Habits. — Moral and Religious Education. And an Appendix, on Moral and Religious Education.

The object of this Volume is, to awaken the minds of the young to the importance of Education ; and to give them just ideas of the nature, design, and practical application, of the various branches of study, pursued in the course of a liberal education.

The writer does not flatter herself, that this will be found an attractive book, to those who seek for entertainment, merely. There will be exhibited no creations of the fancy, for the purpose of awakening sympathies, unconnected with the destiny or duty of man. Female writers have too often followed the leadings of imagination, without inquiring, to what end its vagaries would tend. The fondness of the sex, for reading works of fiction, is proverbial. But are not the authors of such works laboring to prepare, for their readers, that kind of food, which, so far from rendering the mental system

10 INTRODUCTION.

Strong and healthy, disorders and enfeebles it ? Novels and poetry are, indeed, the flowers of literature ; they afford opportunity for the display of genius, and are pleasant companions for an idle or heavy hour. They may exhibit virtue in an attractive light, and inspire a kind of enthusiasm in the reader, to imitate the noble examples of heroes and heroines. But I would appeal to the experience of every female, who has indulged herself, much, in this kind of reading, whether, after the excitement of feeling, occasioned by the perusal of some fascinating novel, she has returned to the realities of life, with a spirit calmed, and prepared to meet its realities with fortitude and resignation .'' or whether she has not, at sucli times, experienced a distaste, almost amounting to disgust, for the homely beings with whom reality surrounded her, and for the everyday scenes of hfe ? And has it not required a strong and painful effort, to regain that mental equilibrium, so necessary for prudent conduct and amiable deportment ?

" For yet, alas ! the real ills of life

Claim the fall vigor of a mind prepared, Prepared for patient, long, laborious strife, Its guide experience, and truth its guard."

The virtues, which appear with eclat on the pages of jQction, are not the humble, unobtrusive ones of common life ; those, which, in reality, demand the greatest efforts, and exhibit the best regulated minds ; — the trials, which excite our sympathy, in these creations of fancy, are seldom those of real life. False views are thus given of our own duties, and what we ought to expect from others.

At the time when that wonderful genius, Walter Scott, was producing one novel after another, with a rapidity with which his readers could scarcely keep pace, a young married lady, ^vhose taste strongly inclined hor to works

INTRODUCTION. 11

of this nature, but who had abstained from reading them, lest they might interfere with her new domestic duties, was induced, by the wishes of her husband, to commence with him, the Waverly novels, for their evening reading : but the pages were far too fascinating to be laid aside, at the usual hour for repose ; there was no cessation of interest, until the volumes were closed. An infant son lay in his cradle, beside the mother, who, too conscientious to keep an attendant awake for these novel-reading vigils, attempted herself to watch the child. But, though quiet, he was sometimes hungry ; and Nature admonished him, that, in the cold of a Winter's night, he ought to be warmed and cherished in a mother's arms, and he would sometimes cry ; — perhaps, at the very moment, when Jeanie Deans was about to make her eloquent appeal to the Queen, the infant would make his plea for a mother's care. The story must then be broken off, while, with a feehng of disappointment, almost amounting to impatience, the maternal duties were performed. But the healthy and beautiful child was seized with an acute disease, which terminated in his removal from this world ; and, though the mother could not accuse herself of actual neglect, she was conscious of having had her thoughts too much diverted from her child, by the fictitious scenes in which she had permitted her imagination to rove. She was wholly unprepared to meet such an affliction ; and, turning from novels to her Bible, sought for peace and consolation in the promises of Him, who is ''the resurrection and the life." Those books, which had drawn her thoughts from her lovely infant, she could not, for a long time, endure to behold ; and thenceforward, she renounced them all, in the settled conviction, that females, especially when young, by indulging in novel-reading, do, in

12 INTRODUCTION.

a degree, unfit themselves for the proper discharge of their duties.

Those, who are gifted with the power to influence the minds of their fellow-beings, should beware how they exert this influence ! Is it enough, that they amuse, astonish, and delight, mankind ? This, too, the mountebank or opera-dancer may do. But, as sure as there is a future state of existence, so there is a moral influence to be exerted by every human being, according to the measure of his abilities. And where can this influence be more powerfully, more extensively, exercised, than through the medium of the press ? Although our voice be feeble, yet, if our testimony is on the side of truth, it may have an influence on the feeble-minded, even greater than more powerful accents. It will be heard, when we shall be removed to another tribunal than that of literary criticism, where the flashes of genius are too often preferred to the steady light of truth. But, at that great tribunal, we shall be judged, according to the motives with which we have written, and not the ability with which we have executed our task.

OR

FEMALE STUDENT.

CHAPTER I. THE author's address TO THE YOUNG READER

This book is called ' The Fireside Friend^^ because it is the author's design to approach, in a still, quiet way, the centre-table or the work-stand, that she may discourse to the young, of their duties, and induce them to make a wise improvement of their time. She wishes to impart to them the benefits of her experience ; and, as far as she is capable of doing so, point out those paths which will conduct them to intellectual and moral excellence. She thus hopes to merit the title of friend, more effectually, than if she merely proposed to excite laughter, by wit, or amuse the imagination, by romantic stories.

ft is an old adage, that " our best friends are those that tell us the truth ;" and the author promises her young readers, that, in the following pages, they will meet with truth, if not amusement. But the '' female student," — she who is earnestly engaged in searching after wisdom, as for hid treasures, — will not be disposed to neglect the 'Fireside Friend,' on account of sober looks and serious admonitions.

A few years since, the author was, as you may now be, looking forward, with joyous delight, to the opening scenes of life. They did, indeed, appear bright, at first ; but death entered the sanctuary, where were garnered up her hopes and her affections, and swept them into the grave. As the shipwrecked mariner, after a tempestuous night, awakes to the conciousness that he is left to struggle alone upon the wide waters, so did she find herself, a solitary being on the ocean of life. She would have yielded herself to the waves, a waif, or a wreck, with nothing to do, and nothing to hope for ; but reason and religion pointed to the harbor of usefulness and duty, where may be found that " Peace, which the world can neither give, nor take away."

}( we have nothing to enjoy, in this life, we may always find something to do. While there are young minds to be trained for a never-ending existence, there can be no excuse for suffering any of the faculties to remain unemployed. As earthly hopes fade away, there is to the eye of faith a brightening of the invisible scenes which lie beyond this vale of tears. In those scenes, my young friend, may we, whose spirits now hold communion through the medium of the written words, meet in joyful and happy recognition.

Let us now proceed to consider the obligations of the young, to promote, as far as possible, their own education. Let us also examine the nature of education, and the objects which it should have in view. It is of vast importance that you should entertain just views of the bearing which the ideas you now acquire, and the principles and habits you now form, will have upon your happiness. When we behold a group of young and happy faces, and consider the changes which a few years will produce, how many emotions swell the heart. We see in the gay, unreflecting girl, the future wife, the mother, and the candidate for immortality, having power, not only over her own destiny, but capable of wielding vast influence over other immortal beings. Impressed as these solemn realities are upon the minds of your friends, they may seem to expect from you too much seriousness and reflection, at an age when gayety is so natural.

ADDRESS TO THE READER. 15

We would not, indeed, check the cheerfulness of your young hearts, or see you sorrowful and desponding. The world will but too soon change the buoyancy of youthful glee into heaviness. Enjoy, then, this spring time of your existence, this morning of life ; but enjoy with moderation, and spare something from the exuberance of your emotions, to soften and cheer the sober and pensive season, which, should your lives be spared, will as assuredly follow, as evening follows morning, or as Spring is succeeded by Autumn. Should you see a group of happy children, sporting near the border of some dreadful precipice, which they, in their childish glee, heeded not, would you think it unkind to check them in their mirth, in order to point out their danger ; or, if one should chance to have strayed to the verge of the precipice, w^ould you hesitate to seize him, even somewhat roughly, in order to save him from destruction ? Think it not, then, unkind in those, who, by the light of experience, see dangers, to you invisible, if they raise a warning voice, and give a temporary check to your gayety, to avert evils which they see impending over you, or to fortify your minds to bear them. For the eye of experience sees, before you, trials of virtue, affliction, pain, and death.

All human beings must suffer pain and sorrow ; but on woman, do the evils, incident to human existence, fall with pecuHar force. Her heart is sensitive, and her spirits easily elated or depressed ; the dehcacy of her nervous system subjects her to agitations, to which man, favored by greater physical strength, and more firmness of nerve, is exempt. Subject to caprice, she needs the balance of intellectual discipline ; and, above all, does she require the aid of religious principles, to enable her to overcome the weakness to which her mind, owing to a peculiar physical organization, is liable.

How much of pain and sickness is the delicate frame of woman called to endure ! And, what is still more trying to the mind than personal suffering, she must experience the anguish of watching over the distresses of others, and of witnessing death, in its triumph over the objects of her affections. Yes, you whose hearts now beat high with expectation, who are eager to pluck the rosebuds of delight with which the world is tempting you, are to see the flowers wither in your hands, and to feel yourselves pierced with the thorns which are now concealed from your view. You may be destined to watch over the couch of sick and dying friends, of parents, brothers, and sisters, and, perhaps, to perform the last sad offices for some of your companions, who are now before you, glowing with health and beauty. Some of you will mourn over dying children, some will experience the sorrows and desolation of widowhood ; and all, sooner or later, will taste of death, the common lot of mortals.

In uttering these predictions, I am not arrogating to myself a supernatural foresight ; life, with some slight variations, will be to you, as to those who have gone before you. The smaller circumstances, the filling up of the picture, time only will exhibit ; but the outlines are too darkly and plainly shaded, not to be manifest to the prophetic eye of experience. How many, young and happy as you who may peruse these pages, and who, like you, were once full of hope and anticipation, have gone forth into the world, to prove its vanity and falsehood. How many have felt the bitterness arising from the consciousness of having bestowed their young affections upon unworthy objects ; how many have pined, in secret, over a hopeless attachment ; and how many, who, after having been flattered and worshipped, as angels, have been left, deserted and neglected wives. How many, happily settled in life, have been called to leave their beautiful and elegant homes, the arms of fond affection, and all the charms of domestic life, and to lie down in the grave. The most devoted love, the most extensive wealth,

** Could give no more Than earth enough to make her narrow bed."

Even the young and beautiful, when the seal of death is upon her, must be given up to corruption, and the worm that " feeds sweetly" upon the once fair proportioned body.

Is there not enough, then, in view of the various trials.

IMPORTANCE OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE. 17

peculiarly incident to woman, and of the final destination of all human beings, to bring you to reflection ? And O ! that you may, in the retirement of your closets, lift up your hearts in prayer, and beseech your heavenly Father to fit you for the performance of your duties in life, and the patient suffering of trials, by which you are to be purified, and made meet for a holier and happier world !

" Woman's lot is on you ! silent tears to weep. And patient smiles to wear through suffering's hour, And sumiess riches from affection's deep To pour on broken reeds — a wasted shower ! And to make idols, and to find them clay, And to bewail that worship ! therefore pray ! Earth will forsake ! O ! happy to have given The unbroken heart's first fragrance unto Heaven."

Chapter II

IMPORTANCE OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE. IDLE AND CARELESS,

GAY AND FASHIONABLE, PERSONS.

It is of great importance that the young should understand their own characters, the motives which are now most powerful in influencing their conduct, and the preparations they are making for futurity. And yet, how often are they careless respecting the seeds which may be taking root in their minds ! What should we think of a farmer, who was either idle in Spring, or indifferent whether good seed, or such as would bring forth useless, noxious weeds, were sown upon his grounds ? And yet, what is the product of a farm, compared with the fruits of the human mind ? — the former, like all worldly goods, transient and perishable ; the latter, treasured up in the great record of human actions, and destined to endure for eternity.

Let each young person ask herself, for what purpose am I placed in this world, and how am I improving my time and advantages ? After strict examination, let conscience make her report ; and happy indeed are those 2* who will not stand self-accused at that tribunal of moral feeling, which the Almighty has established in your own minds for the regulation of your conduct.

Some of my young readers may think me severe, in the remarks which I shall now make ; but the physician must consider the nature of maladies, in order to point out the remedies. Were you morally diseased, without any means of cure, I '' would lay my hand upon my mouth," and utter no words of reproach to a misery so hopeless. But a renovating principle is ever ready to operate, if human beings will yield themselves to its influences. Conscience, like a faithful monitor, is ever warning us of Our danger, and Divine grace is given, to guide us in the path of virtue and happiness.

How many young persons are idle and careless, thinking only of present gratification ! They may have been nursed in the lap of affluence and ease, and accustomed, from infancy, to all the gratifications which parental fondness, aided by wealth, could bestow : alas ! how little does the doating parent reflect, when tenderly nurturing a beloved child, that he may be administering a slow poison, which will infuse itself through the whole moral system, and, in future years, render this child imbecile and degraded !

Luxury has an injurious effect upon our moral natures. Do you doubt this ^ Look into the history of nations and of individuals, and you will see them almost uniformly, in the end, corrupted by luxury. The Romans were virtuous, until enriched by the spoils of vanquished nations. Our own ancestors, in the primitive poverty and simplicity of the early days of our country, showed themselves capable of high and noble actions. Their descendants, enriched by trade, commerce, and manufactures, are, it is to be feared, degenerating from the lofty character which was exhibited in the fathers of the Revolution, and their unostentatious wives and sisters. And yet, wealth does not, necessarily, corrupt the mind ; when properly used, it furnishes the means of doing good to others ; and of assisting to promote the noble designs of such as possess great benevolence, without the pecuniary means

IMPORTANCE OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE. 10

of carrying their plans into effect. Wealth enables its possessors to purchase valuable books ; to visit interesting works of Nature and Art ; and to gain assistance from the talents and information of others. It also bestows the leisure for mental cultivation.

How unhappy is the mother whose daughters are idle and careless ! If she is herself desirous of maintaining order in the family, and seeing every one usefully employed, how much chagrin must she constantly experience, when she beholds her daughters spending their time in idly lounging about, carelessly dressed, and ready to make their escape on the arrival of company ! The fireside is not rendered neat and cheerful by their care, nor is the mother relieved of her arduous duties, by their kind attentions. The idle and careless young lady may be fond of reading, and may weep over the imaginary sorrows of a heroine, while she is insensible to the real afflictions of a tender mother. She may fancy herself lovely and interesting, and believe, that fine dress will cover her defects ; but will not conscience often sting her with reproaches, and her own judgement pronounce her a useless and unworthy character ? Shake off, then, my young friend, your habits of indolence ; and, " springing from the bed of sloth," commence, in season, the duties of the day. When you have ceased to be idle, you will no longer be careless ; for the former quality is necessarily accompanied by the latter. Industry will enable you to accompHsh many things, which the idle are always complaining that they can never find time to do. You can write letters to your absent friends, examine and repair your own wardrobe, and assist in the cares of the household. The industrious can always find time to do for themselves and others ; the idle, though doing nothing, are always complaining of want of time.

The idle and careless pupil is a continual trouble to her teachers. She has always to make excuses ; — she has had no time to learn her lesson, or she had forgotten where it was. She neither learns, herself, nor is willing that others should do so. In her classes, she is inattentive and trifling, and disturbs those who are desirous of improvement. What must be the future character of such a young person ? If she have vveahh, she will be frivolous and vain ; neither commanding respect from her inferiors in station, nor gaining the love and esteem of her equals. If she be poor, she will be wretched, herself, and burdensome to others, — a miserable and helpless woman.

There is another class of girls, whom we may denominate the gay and fashionable^ though these may also belong to the division we have just considered. They may be industrious and careful, in respect to those things which will make a good appearance in the world, but their fireside knows little of domestic happiness ; for every thing, with them, is done for display. Their faults are often to be attributed to the false notions of their parents, and sometimes to the persons to whom their parents have intrusted the care of their education. What a cruel disappointment, for a parent, who has anxiously awaited the return of a daughter from an expensive school, where he had hoped she was preparing herself to be a comfort and honor to her family, to find her a mere fashionable young lady, with no energy or spirits but for display ! Such a one, in company, may exert herself to be agreeable, but alone, with her parents, brothers, and sisters, she is indifferent or peevish. She, who was a butterfly in society, is a drone or a wasp in the domestic circle.

Unfortunately, there are many young girls, whose highest object, in the attainment of an education, is to enable themselves to shoio off^ in circles of fashion ; to seem to be amiable and learned, instead of being so. We often see such, exhibiting, in the pursuit of certain branches of education, a becoming diligence ; they are faithful to their lessons, in music, dancing, and drawing ; and, stimulated by the wish of making a figure at public examinations, they are sometimes found among the best scholars in literary branches, while they are remiss in the performance of moral duties. They are usually wanting in meekness and lowliness of mind. If a schoolmate is unfashionable in her dress, or rustic in her manners, she meets with their neglect ; or, if a teacher, occupied with higher objects than personal decoration, appears dressed in a man-

MORAL AND RELIGIOUS PERSONS. 21

ner not correspondent with the latest fashions, too often do this class of pupils show their standard of merit, by pertness and disrespect. Perhaps in no country is there more of a disposition to affect fashion and style, than in our own. In Paris, the metropolis of the fashionable world, the laborers, shopkeepers, and mechanics, are content with appearing to be what they are. They do not assume to be in what is called good society^ (which, by the way, is often a very misplaced term.) They have their holydays, in which they sport their finery ; but they are usually industrious, and have no idea of wishing to be thought able to live without labor. But with our females there is too much of a disposition to seem above work, and to appear to move in the first circles, whatever may be their real rank in life. An American female would be very unw^illing to say, " I do not associate with such and such persons, they are in a circle above that in which 1 move." Yet an English lady of fortune and education would not hesitate to say, when questioned about Almacks,* " I was not admitted there ;" or, respecting certain persons of the nobility, " I had no access into their circle." This state of things is unhappy for our country. We should be ashamed of living above our means, and appearing fine and genteel, when honest industry would become our real condition.

Chapter III. Moral And Religious Persons

We would hope better of our young readers, than to suppose that they belong to either of the classes which we have named in the preceding chapter. We trust that they are industrious and careful, and have too much real elevation of character to be ashamed of plain dress or plain furniture, if their circumstances in life require them to use economy. A young girl, whom I once knew, was

* A resort for people of high fashion.

22 THE FliJESIDE FRIEND.

very ambitious to rise into the first society in the country. She was the daughter of a plain farmer, who was a man of study and education ; but this young girl fancied there was, in circles above them, more refinement and elevation, than she was accustomed to ; and when, turning her spinning-wheel, or milking the cows, she saw people passing by in their coaches, she thought they must be like the noble Sir Charles Grandison, the elegant Lord Orville, or the all-accomplished heroines of the novels she had read. She sighed for a coach and for high rank, that she might become refined, and associate with those who were so ; but when, in afterlife, circumstances led her to mingle in circles of fashion, she found that ignorant and vulgar people sometimes ride in coaches, and that many^ne ladies have very coarse and unrefined ideas. True, indeed, are the words of the poet :

*' Honor and shame from no condition rise."

We will hope, my young friends, that you are imbued with virtuous principles, and a desire to do right : That you are anxious to learn, and perform your duty. Perhaps you are one, of whom all, who know you, speak well. You may, therefore, imagine that you are very good ; and, like the young man, who, after recounting his virtues to our Saviour, complacently asked, " What lack I yet ?" you may suppose you are fulfilling all the commandments. But, after all that you can do, you will find, on examining yourself by the word of God, that you fall short of your duty, and need pardon and forgiveness. Mere morality is not sufficient to entitle us to the hopes of the gospel. You must ingraft on your virtues the love of God, you must sincerely devote yourself to Him, that you may be truly happy in this world and that which is to come.

If you have found joy and peace in believing, you have entered upon life under happy prospects. You rejoice in the confident hope that you are heir to a heavenly inheritance, incorruptible, and that can never fade away. But your responsibility is great, and great should be your care and watchfulness.

MORAL AND RELIGIOUS PERSONS. 23

Your example may incite others to seek that religion which they see producing, in you, good fruits ; or it may disgust them, if accompanied with forbidding and unpleasant manners. The question should often arise, " How may I best adorn the religion I profess ?" You may be surrounded by gay and thoughtless companions, who cannot appreciate your motives of action ; and it may seem questionable, whether you should not wholly withdraw yourselves from society, rather than incur the hazard of lowering your own standard of duty, or of losing your own seriousness, amid surrounding levity.

The Scriptures, indeed, command Christians to come out from the world, and to separate themselves from it. Yet our Saviour himself familiarly associated with publicans and sinners. He went to their entertainments, and conversed with them, in public places. At Cana of Galilee, we find Him attending a wedding, and promoting the festivities of the occasion, by miraculously changing water into wine. The Pharisees, indeed, reproach Him for these things ; they follow Him, in his hours of social intercourse, and point the finger of scorn, because He associates with sinners. Yet the meek and humble Jesus is not deterred from his purpose. We see Him seated, not among a few, who already esteem themselves righteous, but with the multitude ; we hear Him, in mild and gentle accents, telling them to knock, and the door of mercy shall be opened, to ask and they shall receive, to repent and they shall be forgiven, to go in peace and sin no more. His kind and attractive manner first draws the heart towards Him, and then to the doctrine which He teaches.

We are not, then, to suppose that our Saviour intended his followers should separate themselves from the world, by ceasing to hold intercourse with it ; we cannot believe that the Christian is in the performance of his highest duty, by withdrawing from the world, and avoiding the society of his fellow-men, in order to give his heart wholly to God and the services of religion.