The life and adventures of an Arkansaw doctor. By David Rattlehead, M. D. [pseud.] (The man of scrapes)

Front matter

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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Chapter I. A Lumping Business

Air — Gander's retreat from the hog-pen .

When I commenced to rove the world,

I was quite young in years,

And when my banner was unfurled,

I melted soon to tears.

Why! I’d left the home of youthful days,

My destiny to seek —

Ah, now how soon the thought betrays,

My purse is slim, my frame is weak.

Unoho.

History says I was born in one of the South-western States, in the year eighteen hundred and — bring a bucket of water — in the m©nth of September. What an auspicious moment, or rather, what a lovely month it is. It is in this month we can see the wisdom of nature displayed in all its glory. Think of the rich fruits with which we are blessed, and now, before hoary frost has preyed upon the verdant foliage, all nature seems in its beauty. But as the month is not so much concerned now , with my history, I will leave it and proceed. My parentage I can boast of as being of the highest respectability, but unfortunately, they were not rich — had they been, then this book had never been written. Although they were not wealthy, they possessed enough of this world : s desirables to give me and all my other sisters a very respectable “ Log-cabin” education.

At quite an early age I manifested a disposition to obtain an education superior to that given to my older brothers, or in fact superior to most persons in that part of the country.

I often spoke to my parents about it, and they seemed willing to give me a better opportunity, but they feared my older brothers would make complaint. (Very natural thing in a family, about matters of less importance.) Notwithstanding my desire to obtain an education, I could not help playing many pranks on my schoolmates and teacher, but as these are of everyday occurrence, I will not annoy you by relating them. I went to school about four or five months of the year until I was fifteen years old. I had to work on the farm the balance of the year. Finding at that age that I could not have an opportunity of obtaining much of an education, 1 proposed to my parents to let me gooff about three hundred miles, in a different portion of the state, and offer myself as clerk in a dry-goods store, with an old acquaintance of theirs I thought I could find some leisure time to study in an establishment of that kind. As luck would have it, they consented, and now for a long journey thought I. Every preparation for my departure was made. I had as good a horse as ever made a track

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

The day was fixed for me to leave. I had thought but little about, it until the day arrived. What thoughts passed through my aching brain in a few momeqts. I could think of every endearment that bound me to my youthful home. Yes, even as 1 recall the scene to-day, after years have passed, it awakens in my bosom feelings of the deepest emotion.

But I must proceed. The day appointed was the 10th of December; it arrived, and I don’t think I ever beheld a more lovely day in winter ; every thing was still as death about that dear old home, that now is lost to sight, perhaps forever. Not the rustling of a leaf, the rippling of water, nothing could be heard save the lonely moan of a dove, perched upon the bough of a neighboring tree, basking in the genial rays of the sun ; and well do I remember how desolate and lonely that sound ; it seemed* as the last dread call to mortal beings on earth. My brothers and sisters were collected at my father’s dwelling to bid me a fond adieu ; many, many were the words of advice given me before the parting hand was taken ; they all took an unusual interest in me as I was going to leave them, to seek my destiny among strangers. Another thing that made them more carefhl in their admonitions, I was the youngest of the family. One would tell me,“ Now, brother, you know you are the runt of the family, any how, and you must be careful — do n’t get sick — take care of Charley (my horse), and your money.” Many other words of advice.were given which I have now forgotten — and I s’pose you are glad of it — and I bade them all adieu, mounted my horse and started on my journey. One of my brothers accompanied me a few miles, and then l had to leave him and steer my course alone. Never had I before known what it was to feel bad. I began to wish that I had never started, that 1 had never left my parental roof. I then thought how kind my parents had been to me. I reflected how I had often treated my brothers and sisters — not but that I had been as good as most brothers, but 1 thought of the many unkind words I had spoken. I then thought of their attention during any little illness I had ever suffered. I recollected that my dear sisters had come around my couch and wept, because I was sick. I thought of the tears my parents shed when I took the parting hand. I thought of all my schoolmates, how cruel I had treated them, sometimes without a cause — thus thinking, I was overpowered, my youthful heart was filled to overflowing — I burst into tears. This relieved me for a moment, and I knew r I had started and it would never do to turn back. I was determined to go ahead. I traveled on until night, and called at a very good-looking house, to see- if I could stay all night ; I was informed that I could ; got down, and after giving many careful directions about Charley, 1 went in. The landlord was very kind, and made me feel quite at home.

Nothing of interest occurred until I went to bed. I was put into a room with a good comfortable wood fire, and being tired from a long ride, I retired early. 1 suppose 1 had been in bed an hour and had fallen asleep. 1 was suddenly awakened by a noise at the door ; I w T as confident the door was locked safe, and that I could not be molested by any person — I sp«ke* and asked who was there ; I received no answer, and hearing no more noise for some time after, concluded 1 had been mistaken, and

“Good God! ’massa, don’t hurt poor nigga ; him just come to black your boots.”— Page 17.J was about falling into the arms of Mcrpheus again, when the noise aroused me the second time.

I had prepared myself before leaving my father’s to face any difficulty that I might meet, and thought I should soon have an opportunity of trying my weapons of death in my own defense. I accordingly arose, took out my pistol and long knife — the pistol in one hand and the knife in the other — and now I was ready. I still heard the noise at the door. I waited a little while, expecting the door to be forced open — that I should be knocked into a cocked-hat, or eternity, in a little or no time, and then my destiny was soon realized. You had better think I was frequently at my father’s house in my imagination, under the same protecting care, but was not long left in my fancied imagination, until the door was opened, and in popped a big black negro almost large enough to swallow me. Says I, “ Stop, you black scoundrel, or I will blow your brains out in a moment ” — at the same time pointing my pistol at him, and flourishing my long knife in the other hand. I concluded it was a runaway negro trying to rob me. The sight of the knife and pistol had quite a narcotic influence on the African, for he looked like he had come out of a thunder-cloud in August. He raised his hands to the utmost, rolled his eyes like a Panorama, oped his mouth like the Mammoth Cave, and said,

“ Good God ! massa, do n’t hurt poor nigga, him just come to black your boots.”

The negro had come to the door, expecting to find my boots outside, and was fumbling about in the dark trying to find them; not finding them outside, he was trying to come in without waking me. I told him to take them and put off, and never attempt to go into a gent email’s room again without knocking, or he might get his spleen blown into a batter-cake. I then locked the door and rested finely all night. On my way next day, I thought about my adventure the previous night, and considered myself fortunate in getting off' as well as I did.

In about three days after this I arrived safe at my place of destination, and found my father’s old friend. He invited me to see him, which I did very soon, and was not long in telling him my business. A salary was soon agreed upon, and T was getting right up in the world; from a farmer’s boy, had become a clerk in a dry-goods sto^e. I felt my greatness, I did. I entered on the duties of my calling with a little instruction from my boss occasionally, with due regard for his best interest. The first thing to be done was to learn the whereabouts of all the different articles in the store. This occupied some four or five days, and then my employer said he would give me the pass-word — that is to say, for instance, in particular the cost-mark. I was eager to get into the mysteries of the mercantile business, did not know what I might be some time myself. One morning he came in and said to me —

“Mr. Rattlehead, this is the cost word; you must learn to tell what any piece of goods cost in a moment by this mark, and be careful you do n’t lose it before learning it.”

I took the word and commenced looking over the different goods in the store, and found I could tell very well ; but, alas! that word cost me more than it did anybody else. Not being aware of the vast importance acost word is to a dry-goods merchant, I was rather careless with it The

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

word is one of ten letters, no two being the same. The word was H-a-r-t-s-f-i-e-l-d. I was going round looking at one thing and another and their prices, and, not looking whether any person was in the house or not, 1 went on thus: H-one-a-two-r-three,&c.,to see if I could tell an article when it was necessary. A gentleman — or rather I should say fellow, for he was no gentleman that would thus take the advantage of a boy fifteen years old — happened to be in the store at the time, sitting down reading a newspaper.

“ Ha, ha ! ” says he, “ I ’ve got you now, have I ? It spells Hartsfield, does it?”

If I didn’t feel like I was ruined, you may bury me and my book forever in the oblivion of a potato hill. I told the old fellow that he was mistaken, it was only the name of a little village where a friend of mine lived, and I was spelling the name on a letter I had just written, and was going to send by the first mail. My lying did not serve as good a purpose in that instance as it did very often after that with that same old covey, for if 1 did n’t make him pay for that trick before I got done with dry-goods, then there is no virtue in high prices. He was a good customer, and he paid good prices when I was the salesman, certain as three ones make a broomstick. The old stick-in-the-mud left that day before my boss came in, greatly to my relief. When he came in, 1 of course had to tell him all about it, and what a blunder I had made, and begged that he would excuse me, as I did not know any person was in the store at the time. He looked about as sweet at me as green persimmons, and pleasing as a rooster laying an egg, and said nothing Cor about ten minutes.

Then said he, “We will have to go to work and re-mark every piece of goods in the house.”

I remarked that I was willing to do all that I could. Then we had it about what word we would have.

Says he, “ It is not so easy to find a word to suit every day, and I hope you will be as good to find a word as you were to lose one.”

Rather spurred at such a sharp remark, I went to thinking at the rate of a bushel per minute, and in less than a minute I had it. I was always thinking of Charley and my dinner, and here I found the word with ten letters, and no two alike. Says I, “ Sir, I ’ve got it for you much quicker than I lost the other.”

“ Well,” he said, “ what is it ? ”

“ Charley,” says I.

“ Charley ? ”

“ Yes, Charley.”

Says he, “ You are a fool; how does that make ten letters ? ”

I commenced for him: B-l-a-c-k-H-o-r-s-e, Charley. The thing was so good it put the old boss in quite a good humor, and he and I made black horse serve a fine purpose of obtaining high prices for goods after that.

In the store was kept a general assortment of almost everything. Hardware, dry-goods, queensware, and a few medicines, &c., & c. After getting over the difficulties about the cost mark, I thought I would get on without any more trouble. Here again I was mistaken. My boss thought he had initiated me sufficiently into the mysteries to trust me for a short time each day in the store alone, while he took his pleasure in walking about. I think it was rather dear pleasure, if 1 had to guess

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

He went out one da}', and left me in the store. A gentleman called and wanted some blue mass. I went to hunt up the article, and found ajar marked blue mass, and the figures 371. This I thought was the price of it. I took it down, and sold the jar and contents for thirty- Beven and a half cents. I rolled it up, and off’ he went with near one pound of blue mass for that small price. The price markedon the jar was intended by the ounce.

I was sitting down comfortably, whistling “ Yankeedoodle,” and asked no favors of any man, when in came the old boss. He went to the slate and saw a sale made of blue mass at thirty-seven and a half cents, and went round ti see, I suppose, how' I had put it up. He looked where the blue mass was, and it was n’t there. He commenced looking at me, and I began to look at him ; and says he, “ Where’s the blue mass jar? 1 don't see it; have you moved it?”

“ Sir, 1 have sold the blue mass ; do n’t you see it marked on the slate? ”

“ What ! sold all the blue mass in the house for that price ? ”

Yes ! that was the price marked on the jar.” *

I have seen bears, wolves, wildcats, &c., staring me right in the face, but he looked more intolerable than anything on record. I remarked to him that I was quite sorry that anything of the kind had happened, but could not help it now, and when he wanted things sold by the ounce he must mark them by the ounce. He considered the matter over, and thought he could not blame me so much, as 1 was young. I thanked him ; and said I hoped nothing of the kind would occur again

He left me in the store again in a few days, and some person called for tobacco. On the box was marked ten cents. I concluded very readily that it meant by the plug, and told the gentleman ten cents a plug. He said he would take six plugs. I put them up for him, thinking all was right. The ten cents was intended for a square, the plugs being cut into five pieces. The boss came in, and looking on the slate, as usual, he saw the tobacco marked on it, and going round to the box, saw six plugs gone for sixty cents. “Oh, Mol, get off’ my corns l” what looks. He came near bawling right out ; he crammed paper in his mouth, knocked off his hat, and swallowed fish brine. I just thought he ’d eat me up without time to say my prdyers. He was so mad and so confused he never thought of speaking to me the first time. I took the trouble to interrupt him in his happiness by asking him what was the matter ; was he sick, or what could make him act so ?

“Matter,” says he, “you have sold sold six plugs instead of six squares of tobacco for sixty cents ! ”

“Well, sir, I know nothing of your squares: I do n’t believe in masonry, nohow; if you want your tobacco sold by the square yard, just square it off yourself.”

Finding that I was a little spunky, he came to his senses again, and we made friends, to my great gratification. He hoped, and I thought, that nothing of the kind certainly would happen again. Believing that I had learned a lesson from the past, he left me again to sell what I could. I was determined on doing better, if possible.

A lady called and wanted some “ crockery-ware,” among other things a six gallon jar. I went to get it for her in haste, and in my hurry I played thunder with

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

burnt clay. I turned over a pile of vessels that were stacked one upon another, and smashed about five dollars’ worth. I thought I had as well be fixing up to leave by the time the old man came in, but then concluding to pacify him a little by selling the jar, I found it, and saw marked thereon twelve and a half cents. It seemed right cheap, but I knew it was none of my business about his prices. The jar (six gallon) went off for the price marked on it. In the evening the old man came in, and saw I had sold a jar for twelve and a half cents. He went round to look for a jar that could be sold for that amount ofmoney. You think you know how he looked, butyou don’t. There lay the broken jars, jugs, flower-pots, &c., a pile of ruins. He looked at the pieces of hard dirt and then at me ; his face looked like a storm rising ; his hair raised his hat off his head ; his mouth looked as though he was trying to swallow a tea-pot ; his eyes streaming with tears ; his ears laid as close to his head as a mule’s, and there he stood perfectly motionless for fifteen minutes, without being able to say one word. At last he yelled out, “ You have broke me ! ”

“ Sir, I beg to differ with you on that point ; I have not broke you, but the crockery is knocked crooked, certain. If you and that deformed mud are any kin, perhaps you are broken.”

He got madder than ever, and seemed in the act of blowing me up without ceremony, but stopped to ask what sort of ajar I had sold for twelve and a half cents. I told him about the six gallon jar; he could stand it no longer, but made at me as though he intended to give me blazes in a hat-box. 1 knew I was small, and had better begin in time, so laid hold of the first thing I could B get (which was a thunder- mug), and let him have it right in the face and eyes. He stopped about the time this reached him, and commenced wiping oft' the blood, and thinking. I told him I sold the jar at the marked price. He said that was by the gallon. “ Well, what do you measure it in? Unless you leave a big measure I can’t sell this sort of stuff by the gallon.” He saw the mistake, and said he would look over it one time more. After this we got on without much trouble, and the old man thought I would make a great salesman in a short time. I remained with this gentleman for two years.

Here let me drop a hint or two to young men just commencing business, more especially in a dry-goods store I thought I must fix myself up considerable after getting a situation like mine. I had one or two suits made at first, and then had to have this thing and that thing, and it all counted by the time my year was up. At the end of the first year I had gone in debt more than my salary considerably. That taught me a lesson that I have never forgotten. The second year my salary was increased twofold, the old boss thinking I would buy as liberally as before. He would caution me about everything else but buying goods of him ; he never said once do n’t be extravagant in your clothing, although he was a professed friend of my parents. The second year I took the precaution of buying but little, and thus hauled out a little of the boss’s cash. At the end of the second year I was getting tired of my situation, knowing I could never flourish much in the world as a “ counterhopper,” and concluded to resign my office.

During my stay in the store, a medical book chanced to fall into my head— no, my hands. This I read again

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

and again, and cultivated a great taste for the science. How little it takes to make us love those things that are hard to obtain. Many were the castles built by me, in the air, as I thought of studying medicine. I received what was due me from my employer, and started on my return to my father’s. I had sold “ Charley” during the time I had been in business, as every old hag in the village was running to borrow him, and of course I could not think of refusing, for if I did, they would drive my head into the ground, rock or no rock. In a short time his back was sore, his ribs prominent, tail drooping, and he stood out on the sunny side of the crib looking like he would like to go to the boneyard to get out of his trouble. I went to a landing on the Mississippi River, got on board a steamboat, and in a short time was going like the d — 1 in harness to my place of destination. When I got on the boat I had quite a respectable little pile of the “ root of all evil.” I thought but little of any thing, only getting back to my father’s to let him see how much 1 had improved in my appearance, manners, &c. I talked friendly with everybody on board, and told them all about my affairs in every way.

Well, trusting to their honesty, I had the consolation of knowing, when I got off the boat, that I had ten dollars left, and was glad I had that much. Big salary for two years’ hard labor to show my parents. I felt worse than a blind dog in a meat-house ; looked like a drooping turkey- buzzard, did n’t know which side I stood on • brought a deep sigh, went into the kitchen, and got as drunk as a fool at a big muster.

My parents thought I had made a decided improvement by going from home, and let me sleep out a long nap that 1 might enjUy my dissipation to the fullest extent 1 awoke, and oh ! my head, it felt as lumpy as an old field in dry weather, roared like a saw-mill, and then 1 puked . But enough of this, for most of you know the delightful feeling one has after a dive into Bacchus ; so I’ll leave you to think how you got over your last drunken frolic, and I ’ll go on about my own business. 1 told my parents that I should certainly quit the profession of drunkenness, and take up that of medicine They thought it would be more profitable and agreea ble to me, and equally as desirable to them. I accord ingly went to a little village about three miles distant from my father’s residence, to see our old family physician, for the purpose of having a talk with him on the subject, and if he said I would make a doctor, it must be so, and would commence immediately. I saw him, and he told me many flattering tales, and heads too, about being a professional man, and concluded by saying he believed I would make a doctor if any man in that country would. The terms were agreed on, and I returned home to tell my parents of what had been done. They consented. I was soon ready; and then came the great time that made me an “ Arkansaw doctor.” The curtain falls. I am sleepy : farewell until to-morrow, and then, if I am alive. “ my life continue*-”

OF AN ARKANSAW DOCTOR.

Chapter II. Starting Off Of The Right Foot

A i r — The fool’s recompense.

The air ’s composed of certain gases,

That ’s good when kept together ;

But if from that it quickly passes,

It ’s death on tender leather.

Him that saw it

Reader, what do you think of our first interview? Doubtless you will say there is room for improvement. I say so too, and I hope, before we reach the other end of nothing, or this book, to amuse you with something more pertinaciously interesting ; and now give a turn on the larboard, and off we go, diving into the mysteries of my many mishaps during my studies in the office of my preceptor.

It was in the month of August that I commenced the hottest work of my life, and one that has, as you see already ended in the production of a mass of instruction and amusement for my “ feller ” men and wimen. The watchword was, never turn back, let the undertaking be good or bad, but go ahead until I had completed my education. I procured me a boarding-house in the little village ; and all things being prepared, I went to the office of my intended preceptor. Not finding him in, I thought I must amuse myself in some way, and concluded I could not do so to better advantage than looking over the medicines, books, &c. I laid my hat and gloves on the table and walked around the counter with as much dignity as a young Galen fifty years old. The first thing to be done was to write my name and see how it would look. I commenced, Dr. David Rattlehead. Again and again I wrote it. Then I would write it in co-partnership with some eminent physician ; thought what a practice we would have. I thought of being called to see patients just at the verge of the grave, when old and experienced doctors had failed to do them any good, and I would only look at them once, and see the disease as plain as an ugly man sees his own beauty. Then 1 would give a little medicine, and immediately a change was seen. All the doctors had left me in my glory, and I had cured the case in three or four days. Yes, I thought of being called to see some beautiful and accomplished young lady, the daughter of a wealthy family. She too was fast sinking into the silent tomb ; my skill had been heard of, my name heralded through every portion of the country. I was sent for; I detected what had been overlooked by other physicians; the case was put exclusively under my care ; I attended her from day to day ; I heard her saying, “ Doctor, you have saved my life; I never can thank you enough for your kindness and attention.” She is restored to health : I visit her and the family often, even when there is no sickness ; 1 talked to her of every thing, and love too ; I see her blush as I approach : I see she loves me with all the affection of woman : I court her : she leans fondly on my arm, and says, “ I owe my life to you — my life, my heart, my