The secret of popularity; how to achieve social success

Contents

PAGE

Introduction 3

"e Successful Hostess 192

Introduction

WHAT IS THE SECRET OF TRUE POPULARITY ?

A good manner is the best thing in the world.

Bulwer

rHIS book has been written for the especial benefit of those men and women who wish to be liked and admired and are not; for those who, while intelligent, aspiring and successful in many of their undertakings, are not social favorites, and who for that reason are puzzled, dissatisfied and unhappy.

They are not unpopular in the disagreeable sense of that word, they are not guilty of wilful rudeness, nor do they make enemies, but on the other hand they do not make friends readily. They are among the many who have dozens of noble virtues, few faults of character, and sometimes great gifts and talents, but socially they do not, as we say, "get on." Their presence gives nobody any especial satisfaction, their absence creates scarcely any regret, what they have to say excites slight interest, and while they have too much grit and pride to let anyone see what they feel, they are none the less acutely conscious of their failure to charm, and they find small pleasure in the average social occasion. The majority of unpopular persons are sensitive. Privately, but none the less deeply, do they deplore their own shortcomings. They become lonely and retiring and secretly embittered and discouraged, for they feel ill at ease, awkward and self-conscious in the presence of strangers. All their lives they are hampered and distressed by the knowledge that when on matters of business or pleasure bent their want of a pleasing way places them at a very great disadvantage.

But that most serious shortcoming and disadvantage under which the unpopular people labor, is their own mistaken conviction that their lack of charm is a misfortune not only beyond remedy, but never to be understood nor fairly explained.

They accept the common notion that popularity is a mysterious and inexplicable gift from nature: that people are born to be popular or unpopular as Fate will have it, and to correct so false and injurious a belief this book has been written. In its pages I have striven, and I hope successfully, to make it plain that it is not only possible, but actually easy, to win popularity by working for it in the right way; by following good rules and by overcoming not so much ignorance as misconception and the use and the beauty and adaptability of many fine, nice points of good-breeding.

To the unpopular people I have endeavored to show that it is the constant, daily saying and doing of simple, graceful things that renders men and women attractive.

I have not hesitated to express the opinion that

MANNER IS CHARM

" TjyTANNER is everything with some people and something with everybody," and the best manner, the winning manner, is that adopted by the man or the woman who is willing to show, patiently but persistently, countless seemingly insignificant but really very important little courtesies.

What the charming, magnetic and favorite member of society possesses is a good manner.

He is not dependent upon wealth, wit or beauty; he has control over no strange, unexplainable power by which men and women are drawn to him as the needle is drawn to the pole. Instead, he is first bent on pleasing others, and thus he surely renders himself agreeable, welcome and even fascinating.

He is willing to take pains and thought in showing constant courtesies, to consider his efforts fully repaid by gaining the liking of [6]

others, and he is not greedy for immediate and big rewards.

Now, I do not mean here to accuse or correct the unpopular person of selfishness. His greatest fault is his carelessness, lack of observation and his

WANT OF SYMPATHETIC UNDERSTANDING

JLJT E does not think first how to put his companion at his ease before seeking his own pleasure and comfort, and he does not cultivate quick perceptions. He is guilty of rudeness and neglectfulness, not because he means to be unkind, but because he is thoughtless and because he fails to see his chance for saying a kind word and for fulfilling a graceful, gracious little duty. He hurts a companion before he knows it, or involuntarily offends some one by reason of his hasty way or his ignorance of the proper course of conduct to follow.

Therefore I have advised him to study others a little, never to wait to be encouraged or courted in order to show how kind and courteous he can be, to think of his companions' preferences and prejudices before expressing his opinions, to make people's looks his only books for a while, and to watch some popular friend and note how cautious, temperate and considerate he is.

Let him remember to be slow to express his radical opinions and hasty judgments, to be sparing in criticism and ridicule and to know that it is as necessary as it is

POLITE TO BE GOOD NATURED

^DOPULARITY is seldom or never won by those who are quick to take offence and ready to show resentment. " It is true of many persons that their memory is nothing but a row of hooks on which to hang up grudges," truly says an old proverb, and the most agreeable man is always willing to keep his mind wholesomely clear of grudges. He is willing to forgive or ignore the errors of others and he cultivates a cheerful habit.

It is not necessary to adopt an unnaturally hilarious manner or to pretend to a false festivity of spirit, but I do highly recommend the manner that is amiable and responsive to and very tolerant of gaiety.

There is so much error and egotism betrayed by a display of moods, grievances, depression of spirit and the custom of carrying private worries and sorrows into social life. The uncheerful person is an unpopular person, and neither beauty nor wit has, I think, in general society, so high a value as an air of good-natured endurance of dull, long-winded or silent people.

The unpopular woman — and man, too, for that matter — is nearly always a trifle selfish on this point. She is so often impatient of an uninteresting companion, so unwilling to cast the bread of courtesy on the waters, and to wait for it to come back to her in the form of the admiration and high praise of the silent and unobtrusive folk.

The popular woman thoughtlessly thinks them tiresome and not worth while, while the popular one knows that it is well and it is important to impress everyone agreeably and to make friends on every hand.

Now, by the same token there are many unpopular persons, I believe, who would prove delightful indeed as guests, companions and friends if only their eyes could be opened to these simple facts, to the truth that one-half of their mistakes and discouragements arise through their own neglect of countless and all-valuable

LITTLE OPPORTUNITIES

J^/^AKE the most of them and be looking for them and how to improve them at all times. That is the leading and most precious piece of advice that I have to give the student of the elements of popularity. "Do what you can," writes Sidney Smith. "It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little: but there are men who are always clamouring after immediate and stu-

[io]

pendous effects." This is sound common-sense, as applicable to the needs of the person who is trying to acquire an attractive manner as to one who is struggling to gain gold or fame.

Begin to take advantage of your smallest chances for showing civilities by creating, when meeting a stranger, a first good impression. This is one of the little opportunities which, through thoughtlessness, is so often overlooked. Its neglect costs you dearer than you know. Endeavour, then, always to impress a new acquaintance with the idea that you are agreeable by your glance of wordless cordiality, by the pressure of your hand, by the tone in which you say "How do you do ?"

Never treat the old and beautiful ceremony of greeting or introduction in a cold, careless and perfunctory way. Offer your hand with a prompt, spontaneous gesture, infuse an expression eloquent of a sort of glad surprise into your eyes. Smile a little. Do not accept anyone's arrival or anyone's acquaintance as a matter of fact, and don't forget that it takes very, very little to please people, to flatter, content, and ingratiate them. The world is not one-half so exacting or critical as you think, and places the highest value upon the smallest of kind attentions, and long and tenderly remembers little, pleasant commonplace speeches.

There was never, I think, an individual whose conduct so illustrated the truth of big advantages to be gained through the best use of little opportunities as that of Mrs. Grover Cleveland. No first lady of the land ever won just the same measure of popularity with all classes of men and women as fell to the share of this gentlewoman who made common-place occasions and well-worn phrases serve to the best and most delightful purposes.

It was at a general reception given to President Cleveland and herself in the South that down the line of citizens came an elderly lady. "Why, how do you do?" asked the Presi- [12]

dent's wife, bending forward and smiling, as she held the old lady's hand one instant warmly in her own. For a moment the venerable guest at the reception paused and beamed with delight. " I am very much better this winter, thank you," she answered, and then hurried happily on to meet her friends and tell them that Mrs. Cleveland had not only remembered her, but remembered also to ask about her rheumatism. "At least," she explained, "I saw by the look in her eyes that she recollected that I had been at the reception last winter, and she asked me how I did in a tone that showed me she had noticed how crippled I was then in my shoulder." Now, as a matter of fact, the President's wife had just a very slight recollection of either the old lady or her ailments, but in her momentary doubt and by the voluntary kindness of her manner in merely shaking hands, she left an impression behind her that was both beautiful and valuable and worth a bookful of gushing compliments.

For always the best, most lasting and most delightful effect upon others is exercised by means of

THE WORDLESS COMPLIMENT

yJND a loss of social success I can never attribute to a want of facility for openly expressed phrases of flattery. There is always another, a better, and by many a neglected, way of implying a compliment more by what is done than by what is said. A gift for saying pretty things, for offering flattery that sounds both delicate, sincere and agreeable to the ear, is given to few, but the man who remembers to show chivalrous courtesies to a woman compliments her far more than when he boldly states that he thinks her beautiful and then forgets to open the door for her and to carry her parcels.

That member of society pays a wordless, but none the less valuable, compliment who listens with rapt attention to what her companion has to say and who is painstaking in her care to remember names and faces.

The spoken words of admiration of another's beauty, wit, grace, talents, or possessions, may and often do fail in their effect. They frequently sound pretentious, insincere, awkward, or, what is yet more unpleasant, familiar and sycophantic; but the wordless compliment, the promptly answered note, the early welcome offered a home-coming neighbor, the timely call, etc., is ever received with recognition and appreciation.

Popularity, therefore, I would have my every reader understand, is

AN EXACT SCIENCE AND AN ART

( T*'HERE are ways and means open to everyone, everywhere and at all times for acquiring popularity by studying and by practising the simple rules that make for a gracious manner. A little patience and persistence is required, but "few things are impossible to diligence and skill, ,, and Lord Chesterfield says that while " most arts require long study and application, the most useful of all, that of pleasing, requires only the desire. " That this desire exists I know, and that the desire, supplemented by a little suggestion, guidance and instruction will lead many to gain the popularity that they crave I believe. Therefore I have undertaken and accomplished this little book, in the hope that it will be of aid to many who agree with me in that the secret of true popularity is a good manner and that "manners are the shadows of virtues."

Emily Holt.

Chapter One

An easy manner in conversation is the most desirable quality a man can have. Sir Richard Steele

rAKE time, pains, thought and instruction in order to learn how to talk pleasantly and well. There is no more valuable and charming accomplishment than this; for, to become an all-around success in business and society, you must needs know how to appeal to the sympathies and intelligences of men and women by word of mouth.

Contrary to a generally accepted and almost superstitious belief, the acquirement of "an easy manner in conversation" is not a difficult or discouraging undertaking. Given an average intelligence, a right good will and a willingness to devote diligent study to a few simple, long-tried and valuable rules, it is quite possible to learn to hold one's own at all times in conversation with both confidence and grace.

Such rules as I shall here set down are hard neither to understand or apply. They are followed by every naturally agreeable talker, and in their first application they have to do with the cultivation of

THE PLEASANT SPEAKING VOICE

TF you stop to realize that the most glorious music ever written loses its beauty when played upon a harsh and tuneless instrument, then you can appreciate how your best phrases, when spoken in a nasal, undisciplined voice actually hurt the ears of your hearer. No less famous person than Demosthenes appreciated that his ideas could never hold the attention of any audience if he [18]

expressed them in sharp and strident tones. Consequently that greatest of all orators gave the most earnest and patient attention to the mastery of his naturally unmusical voice before he attempted to speak to the Athenian people, and, in a small way, it is quite easy for anyone to do just what Demosthenes did. The way to give smoothness and sweetness to a high, harsh voice is to use the simple device of persistently speaking one whole octave lower than that which is ordinarily and carelessly employed.

This brings the voice under control, and this is what gives to the voice of nearly every Southern woman that nice distinction that enables us to tell in an instant from what part of this big continent she comes, no matter when or where we may meet her.

The well-bred Southern woman speaks in a low tone and she speaks slowly, and there you have the secret of her charm of voice, the explanation of the pleasure we find when we listen to her words. To the high, harsh talker

I can give consolation by saying that it takes only a little time and a little effort to learn how to imitate this good example. Watch the face of your comrade and see if, as you talk, her forehead draws up a little, or his mouth contracts a trifle, and quickly and safely conclude that you are talking too high and too fast, that you are rasping delicate nerves. Correct yourself and convince yourself of this error by pausing occasionally to listen to yourself.

Break off quite abruptly now and then, in the midst of a sentence, and you will probably be shocked to find how loudly the echoes of your own words ring in your own ears, how strained your larynx feels and what a superfluous physical effort you are making merely to announce that the weather is excellent or the reverse. When you have thus experienced once or twice the little shock that this discovery gives to your vanity, you will not find it hard to drop down from shrill altitudes into a deeper and more sympathetic tone.

Thereupon you insensibly fall into the way of moderating the pace at which you speak.

For, talk on deliberately, and not only do you at once find it easier to arrange your ideas in logical and graceful order, but you give your sentences a rounder, better turn, and convey your meaning far more pleasantly and directly. Having full command of your voice, you will then rarely or never fall into the besetting sin of the loud and rapid talker — a sin to which, I regret to say, women are especially prone — of trying to persuade or silence an opponent in argument by sheer force of lung power. You can of course overwhelm by merely straining your vocal chords, but in gaining such a victory you do not add to your popularity and you are guilty of an exceedingly vulgar blunder.

Better always let your companion remain unconvinced of the correctness of your judgment than elevate your voice in a sturdy effort at driving home the telling truth of your statements. Make it also a rule to take part in [21]

no discussion that will lead you beyond your middle register tones, and resist the temptation to rise vocally on your tip toes in order to bear a share in the narration of some exciting incident, or to break into a conversation. All this restraint would seem to require a good deal of self-sacrifice, but it is as necessary as possible in order to show that you understand the charm that lies in complete

REPOSE OF MANNER

^_^AVE a care how you gesticulate. Talk with interest and animation, but let your eyes and your lips and your language express that much. There is little or no necessity for ever employing hands, head, shoulders and eyebrows with a view to adding emphasis and expression to your last remark. Nothing is more exhausting than the strain of listening to the hyper-vivacious individual who literally cannot talk and sit still.

The common mistake of young people and shy folk is to try, by means of facial expres- [22]

sion and a sort of bustle of gaiety, to hide their diffidence and their difficulty in finding the free use of their tongues. All this, however, is energy and erfbrt put forth in the wrong direction, for a restless or boisterous nervousness is evidence enough of a want of self-confidence and it rarely pleases or deceives anyone.

If you have a desire to succeed in pleasing people remember that "repose is as necessary in conversation as in a picture," and that you cannot do better than relax a little when you talk. Do not let your shyness or your carelessness in habit place you at so sad a disadvantage that you swing vigourously back and forth in a rocking-chair as you talk or listen. While conversing do not shake your foot, alter your position ten times in as many minutes, twiddle with your watch chain, a lock of hair, or a button on your coat. Do not play a devil's tattoo with your fingers on the arm of your chair, pick up and play with every small object within your reach, run your hands repeatedly through your hair, and nodding your head with almost mechanical rapidity repeat half automatically, "Yes," "yes," "really," "really," etc.

These are all merely foolish mannerisms that not infrequently grate most cruelly. Sometimes, indeed, these small but easily conquered faults amount to a positive annoyance in the eyes of critical and well-bred persons, and then they go as far toward destroying your ability to claim serious attention as does that most familiar and unforgivable nuisance in conversation,

THE HABITUAL GIGGLE

^^IVE way easily and heartily to a cheerful and appropriate expression of mirth, smile readily and frequently, but, as you hope to prove yourself a graceful conversationalist, do not become the victim of the little, expressionless, involuntary laugh. Though you are as learned as Lord Bacon and as witty as Mark Twain, you can still destroy all the social value of your mental attainments by chuckling, tittering, or convulsively guffawing at short, regular intervals and without sufficient provoking cause.

The fixed reiteration of a little laugh is not only a mirthless but a positively irritating sound, and it is nothing more than a nervous indulgence, which, by the expenditure of a trifling amount of will-power, can be and should be controlled; for greatly does its constant -ecurrence interfere in speech with

GRACE OF DICTION

OTRIVE to speak your mother tongue without stilted use of large words, but with grammatical correctness, and never use any word without exact knowledge of its definition and pronunciation. If your youthful lines were not cast in those pleasant places where you were taught to draw upon the purest wells of English, try then, in your maturer and more ambitious years, to learn how to express yourself with good, clear, simple phraseology, and do not adopt the slang that is in vogue to help out your vocabulary.

There is both provincial carelessness and a lack of refined association implied by the frequent use of this lingo of the streets.

Occasionally a bit of slang is amusing and sometimes it is very expressive; on the lips of young men and lively girls its rare use is not offensive, but the continued repetition of slang terms is not to be pardoned in men or women of any age (unless they are of the very humblest origin and least educated class). A slangy habit, however, is not the only false method to be discouraged in the seeker after the easy graces of speech.

Beware of falling into the way of constantly employing such phrases as "Listen here" and "say"; of giving assent and showing surprise by crying "That's right," "Well, you don't say," and concluding the simplest statement with the unimpressive and unnecessary additions of "See!" "Don't you know?" "You know," etc,

"Resist with might and main/' said I not long since to a sadly handicapped but ambitious young girl who wished to know how to speak correctly, "all temptation to begin every sentence with an ' I guess/ or Til bet you/ " and though you have had an excellent education/' I added, "I am astonished to hear you make the foolish mistake of describing a dessert as 'simply elegant/ the Easter hat of the woman who sits in the pew in front of you as ' ghastly ugly/ and the nice, new parlor carpet as 'something grand.

Now, that will not do at all if you hope to be regarded by the casual stranger as a cultivated person, and that was one reason why you overheard your fellow-traveller on the steamship speak of you as a " rather common young woman." It was a cruel and hasty judgment, of course, but your fellow-traveller was a very highly educated gentleman and he set you down as rather vulgar because you have the ugly trick of recklessly misapplying your adjectives and because you said but yesterday to your friend, who told you an almost incredible story, that she had "better go chase herself."

There was a vivid blush on the cheek of the pretty penitent when I held up her sins before her, but I think she saw the force of my statement, and I hastened to add to my advice the suggestion that she should not give up slang and big, foolish adjectives for an almost equally silly fashion of talking affectedly.

"Do not," I warned, "try to make a flourish of your knowledge by dropping now and then into French or German, if you understand those languages." Never say in a foreign tongue anything that you can just as clearly express in English, for simplicity is a very great charm in conversation. Indeed, I think it hardly less attractive than a constant display of

POLITE CONSIDERATION

"TT is a secret known to few, yet of no small use in the conduct of life, that when you fall into a man's conversation the first thing you should consider is whether he has the greater inclination to hear you or that you should hear him." Now, this is a text from which to preach some practical truths, for so many there are who believe that all their hope of conversational success lies in talking themselves. As a matter of fact, one-half of the charm and art you display lies in making others talk.

You must learn how to do this and do it well if you would gain social place and golden opinions, and here I must not forget to set it down that there is an amazing amount of tact and skill to be evinced by the prompt politeness with which you allow men and women to talk to you of themselves, their hobbies, etc. If you have ever had anyone demonstrate so much exquisite courtesy in your behalf you can then fully realize how flattered and stimulated you felt by it. Nothing else so loosens our tongue, revives our spirits and enlarges our powersof eloquent expression as the consciousness that our companion is gently encouraging us to talk freely and fully about those occupations with which we are most familiar and those interests that lie nearest our heart.

Yet I have met so many otherwise keensighted and kind-hearted men and women who fell dismally short of making any social progress, merely for the reason that they failed to appreciate the necessity of not only permitting others to talk of themselves, but of willingly inviting them to do so.

You may not, for example, care for football, diet-kitchens, bridge-whist, or botany; but if you are aware that anyone of these subjects engages the hearty interest of the individual into whose company you are thrown, then try to coax him to talk to you upon that topic with which he is most familiar and on which he can most readily and gladly speak.

Thus you will have not only solved one of the problems of making conversation easy, but of making yourself a favorite as well. It is possible to be as unselfish in conversation as in giving gifts, and it is also easy by offering your whole attention to those with whom you talk, to pay

A SPECIAL COMPLIMENT

/ V"*OU and I and the whole world feel hurt and greatly distracted, as well as dismayed and insulted, by that individual who gives us only a divided interest. We do not like to talk for the benefit of the woman whose glance roves here and there while she pretends to hold her mind to what we are saying, and those of us who are shy or sensitive feel timid and resentful when our companion answers us at random, smiles vaguely at our sallies, and loses all hold upon the thread of our remarks by uncivilly breaking, as we speak, into the talk of a nearby group of friends.

There is so much selfishness and downright discourtesy in such behaviour that seriously do I advise anyone who has a social place to win to follow a course diametrically opposite from this.

Assume, as your companion speaks, that you are all but deaf to the rest of the world. Let your laugh chime in on the proper cue, permit your eyes to grow wide with astonishment or soft with sympathy as the surprises or the pathos develop in a tale unfolded, and hear out to its conclusion any story that was begun for your benefit.

Whether an incident intended for your ear has to do with a life's tragedy or is a mere matter of Bobby's mumps, be sure, oh, very sure, that you attend earnestly to its every detail, and be sure, oh, very sure, that you

DO NOT INTERRUPT

/^IVE leave, if humanly possible, to every one who addresses you, to say out his say completely. This is something more than a matter of minor importance; and while you attend do not wear an expression of eagerly and with ill-concealed impatience waiting for an opportunity to escape from your companion's company or for a chance to break into words yourself.

No excuse can be accepted for such rudeness. Others may be clamouring for your attention, and the twice-told tale may be uninteresting indeed, but the obligation still rests upon you to give Mr. Blank your first and most exclusive, your amiable and most undisturbed hearing.

I have seen a hostess calmly disregard the demands of several newly arrived callers because her attention had been claimed by a gentle old dowager, who halted inconsiderately just in the drawing-room doorway in order to give, at great length, the exactest account of the state of her health.

Quite to the end of this recital did the younger woman intently heed every word that fell from the lips of her prolix visitor. When an impatient guest attempted to intrude upon the narration of rheumatic details, the hostess calmly put her hand upon the bold one's sleeve and held her in check until the old lady's woes were all confessed and the routine of receiving could be resumed. So tactful and gracious was she through it all that, though this was but a trifling act in itself, it did honour to the woman who so perfectly fulfilled her duty, and it gave me the clue to the means whereby she has been able to find a widespread popularity without the assistance of wealth or the endowment of beauty.