Christian politeness

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Class _^I \IE^ Book ^lJ

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Contents

Chapter Page

Introduction, 9

I. Cl^KANUNiCSS, . . . . . . . 39

I. In What Politeness Consists

Cardinal Manning gives this description of a gentleman:

''He is one who is mainly occupied in removing the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him, and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative himself. He carefully avoids whatever may

CHRISTIAN POLITENESS.

cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast."

Cardinal Newman says:

"It is almost the definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain. He carefully avoids all clashing of opinion or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his greatest concern being to make every one at ease and at home.

''He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, and merciful toward the absurd.

"He can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions or topics which may irritate, he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome.

"He makes light of favors when he does them, and seems to be receiving when conferring.

"He never speaks of himself except when compelled, and never defends himself by a mere retort; he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.

"He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, nor insinuates

evil which he dares not say out."

The words of an Italian poet are appropriate

here :

''It is in the nature of things that wherever there is a genteel heart, it will always be courteous, because it cannot be otherwise; for by nature and by habit it has assumed that which it is not able afterwards to change. It is likewise natural that wherever a base heart may be, it shall always show itself similarly. Nature inclines tO' evil; and habit once formed is afterwards hard to change.

In the passages here quoted we have descriptions of Politeness; but now let us come tO' a definition. What, then, is Politeness?

Politeness is the outward manifestation of the kindly disposition that each individual entertains towards all others.

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Politeness therefore does not consist in certain graceful bows and movements, nor in amiable and flattering expressions or silly or cringing acts by means of which we seek the favor of our fellows: true Politeness is the expression of genuine kindness of heart. It is from within, and is founded on that sentence, which is the dictate of Christianity as well as of the natural law: "All things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do you also to them," — Matt., vii, 12.

The polite person will therefore meet his fellowmen in a civil and friendly manner; he will show esteem and appreciation of them by word and deed; will not annoy them and hurt their feelings, but will do them a kind turn when it is in his power; he will be ready to forget himself and his own merits in favor of others; he will give up his own opinion and sacrifice his own convenience for the sake of others. In short, he will treat all with whom he has dealings in such a way that they will be both pleased and edified. The gentleman Saint, St. Francis de Sales, is a perfect model to study.

From the view of politeness here presented we draw the following conclusions:

I. Politeness is in reality modesty and humility, self-control and self-sacrifice, and in the full sense of the word, Christian .Charity. It is therefore the fruit of Christian Virtue. St. Thomas calls it: Decor honestatis, the finishing touch of honorableness. Other writers give it other names. Le parfum de I'humilite et de la charite, the good odor of humility and of charity; La fleur de I'humanite, the bloom of manhood, etc.

2. Religious people, whose moral being is untainted by vice, are as a rule polite, because they practice the virtues named. Do we not all know certain simple families of genuine Christians who may never have heard of the laws of politeness, yet who act as correctly as if they knew them all? Bishop Dupanloup, in his master work on Education, writes:

"In rural districts and in the regions of the Alps I have met people whO' showed greater dignity and more charming politeness than many dwellers in cities. Those good peasants acted with a harmless unconstraint and a charming reserve, free from un^ becoming holdness 'and fi^om painful embarrassment; they were upright, simple, good, kindly, respectful, obliging."

Similar testimony is borne to the peasantry ot

Ireland. I need hardly speak of their hospitality, which is proverbial throughout the world. Let the following brief sketch illustrate the point under consideration.

In the early part of the nineteenth century, when facilities for travel were few and expensive, in Ireland, a i)Oor boy from sunny Italy named Bianconi landed on the shores of the Emerald Isle. After a time the stranger acquired the means of establishing a line of cars, and as his venture prospered, he had lines crossing the country in various directions. From the first he instructed his drivers never to refuse a free ride to a poor person, man or woman, boy or girl, because, as he loved to relate, many a lime as he trudged along with his peddler's pack on his shoulders, footsore and discouraged^ he was cheerily invited to a seat in some country wagon, and the hearty words and pleasant jokes of the poor countrymen cheered his drooping spirits and sent him on his way with new courage. His cars were called Bianconies. Those peasants showed the qualities that make true gentlemen, and Bianconi was a gentleman in knowing how to appreciate the kindness shown him.

A virtuous person can hardly fail to be polite.

If he should at times miss the conventional form, he will hit upon one of his own which will make you forget that anything was lacking.

For a similar reason those who were at one time remarkable for rudeness and ill manners, when they become true converts, are usually so changed in their demeanor, that it is easily seen that a radical change has taken place in them, and the nobler qualities of their nature begin to manifest themselves.

3. Like the Christian virtues from which it flows and of which it is the outward expression, politeness should be observed always, everywhere, and under all circumstances.

Therefore:

i. Even towards those who treat us rudely we must be polite. A friendly word will sometimes touch a rough individual and make a great change in him for the better.

ii. In disputes, discussions, when giving admonitions or punishments, we should not lay politeness aside. The more serious and polite our w^ords are, the deeper they will sink.

iii. Of course we must avoid all that is exaggerated, silly, effeminate, but we can hardly be too po-

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lite. Real virtue will enable us to keep within the proper bounds.

iv. Finally, it follows that superiors, the rich, the learned, do not compromise themselves by the kindness which they show the poor or their inferiors. Kindness is becoming in people of eminence. Noblesse oblige. Attention in this matter narrows the gulf that separates the rich and the poor, employers and employees.

WHY SHOULD WE BE POLITE?

Politeness has many advantages. La Bruyere says:

"One must be possessed of eminent qualities to maintain one's self at the top without politeness."

Politeness includes in itself all those social qualities that make us agreeable and useful to our fellow men. It is indispensable in social intercourse and in the daily transactions of life. Without politeness it would be almost impossible to carry on such a lasting intercourse with others as would not degenerate into force or violence. It smoothes the temper, is a check upon anger, prevents quarrels and disputes, calms excitement, overcomes hatred. It supplies the place of kindness of heart if that should be lacking. It gains us the love of superiors and the esteem of equals and inferiors. In superiors it is a mark of real superiority and an effective means to accustom inferiors to proper deportment. It would be impossible to enumerate all the advantages of politeness. Four of them deserve to be treated of more fully. Their consideration ought to give a new impulse to the study of this branch of education.

I. Politeness gives the final polish to education.

By earnest study the scholar forms his mind; by the practice of piety, charity, and purity he adorns his heart; by constant self-denial he strengthens his character. But this is not enough. With virtue, talents, and good morals, he might still be intolerable. Interior refinement needs a corresponding exterior development and expression. It is true that the formation of the mind, the heart, the character, is the principal thing and gives man his intrinsic worth, his true value. But the exterior must correspond with the interior to secure its proper recognition. In this consists the work of politeness.

Without it the educated man is hke the rough diamond. The stone is vakiable; but as it lacks its full brilliancy, it is not agreeable to the sight and does not readily sell. When it is cut and polished, then it shines and sparkles and is admired and eagerly sought after.

What cutting is to the diamond, the practice of politeness is to the educated man. It gives him the finishing touch, refinement, polish. Its very derivation from the same root as polish signifies its ofBce of removing what is rough, uncouth, repulsive, from one's conduct and bearing.

But however important politeness is, we must not fall into the mistake of placing it too high and considering it as the main thing. Superficial people might persuade themselves that education and refinement consist in a pleasing and decorous carriage, and they are more anxious to see that the young know how^ to move in society in the best style than to have them solid in their studies, pure in morals, and strong in virtue. The essence of education does and must consist in the interior development; politeness is only the outward form, the reflections of those lofty characteristics which true education plants, develops, and cultivates in the soul.

Education is incomplete when the outward forrn is wanting; but the outward form without the inward training, without learning and virtue, is hollow and worthless, a deceitful appearance which calls to mind the sepulchres mentioned in the Gospel, "which outwardly appear to men beautiful, but within are full of dead men's bones and of all filthiness." There is reason to fear that the terrible reproach which Our Saviour made to the doctors of the law and the Pharisees may also apply to those vain and pretentious beings who have only the appearance of being educated without the reality.

2. Politeness secures to the young man or the young woman the confidence of those amongst whom they live.

The good and virtuous soul wins the love and confidence of men: the bad and vicious, on the contrary, provokes repugnance and distrust. Now, what is politeness but the expression of a good and virtuous soul? The soul is mirrored forth in a person's words and actions. The gentle spark that lights the eye of the little child reveals its pure soul.

The speech that falls so gently on our ear tells us that the speaker is one who has his passions under control.

WJien a man's carriage is dignified, when his manners are polished, when he is amiable and obliging towards his neighbor, gentle aiid considerate in speech; when he avoids whatever is calculated to annoy and provoke others, and, on the contrary, seeks to please — in a word, when he is polite — he shows thereby a soul that is overflowing with charity.

But if he is rough and unpolished in his actions, regardless of others, haughty in speech; if he has what Montaigne calls la vilet^ de I'apparence; if he is impolite — he manifests that he has a proud, hateful, jealous soul. A person of the former character attracts, and the latter repels. That man will make his way through the world; with him people are in sympathy and his undertakings succeed. The other man repels; he has pronounced his own doom; he will meet with coldness and indifference, if not with hatred and contempt. The poet has reason to say:

Et c' est la bonte qu'on cherit.

'Toliteness is to the mind what grace is to the countenance; of the goodness of the heart it is the sweet image, and it is goodness that is cherished."

Hence when someone is chosen as arbitrator in a dispute, or to treat of important affairs, or for the post of ambassador, diplomat, consul, or plenipotentiary to a foreign government or court, a person is usually chosen who is distinguished for his tact and delicacy in the treatment of affairs. Let us give a couple of examples.

A diplomat who enjoyed a considerable reputation in the political world tells us in his Memoirs that at the beginning of his career, when he was appointed an attach^ to an embassy, he was making his farwell visit to Count C, and he asked the Count for some good advice in his new position. The Count thereupon answered:

''Men and things are constantly changing. You, my dear sir, are still young. Be a good Hstener, reflect much, but above all things be polite."

The answer was so brief that the young man ventured to ask other questions, but the Count only repeated:

''Be polite. The polished gentleman overcomes many difficulties."

The young attache went away with the impression that the aged Count was growing feeble-minded. ''But later," he added, "I had frequent opportunities to convince myself that in my dealings with men the maxim of the Count, Be polite, is everything."

How often, in fact, does a slight breach of politeness sufiice to defeat the most important measures, nay, even to bring on sanguinary wars!

Towards the end of the Thirty Years' War the representatives of the European powers were assembled in Miinster to settle the terms of peace. The negotiations were progressing favorably when they were brought to a standstill, which caused the terrible war to go on for six months longer.

Contarini, the ambassador of Venice, had made his official call on the Count d' Avaux, the French ambassador, who accompanied him only to the head of the stairs. The Venitian was so provoked because the Frenchman would not conduct liim to the door, as the etiquette of the occasion required, that he departed by the next post and reported the affront to his government. The proud republic decided not to send its ambassador back to the congress until the question of a satisfactory reparation to him had been settled.

What is said here of politeness and impoliteness in high circles applies in due proportion in the intercourse of ordinary life. Everybody loves the genteel and complaisant man^ gives him his confidence, applauds his sayings and doings, and is ready to subject himself to his influence.

But here let it be said: it is only genuine politeness, namely, such as in reality the expression of a good and kind heart, that produces these effects. It may happen that a man with a corrupt heart is polite and gains influence. Such a man's politeness is either hypocritical or sincere. If he assumes it hypocritically, he may be able to keep it up for a time, but he cannot do it always. Sooner or later, when he is off his guard, the evil that is in him will be seen and he will be unmasked. Far from holding the good opinion of those whom he had de • ceived, his* assumed politeness will cause them disgust and aversion.

But if he is sincere, and if by his politeness he succeeds in concealing his bad heart and in winning the confidence of others, this should make us all the more earnest in striving to be polite. If politeness can serve as a cloak to a bad heart and is able to gain credit and respect for a corrupt man, whilst the strictest good conduct without politeness is often regarded with indifference or even with contempt, what will not be the impression when it sets off a pure and ingenious soul!

3. Politeness is a constant exercise of virtue.

Considered in its true light, as we have said more than once, politeness rests upon certain virtues: i. Distrust of self, or humility and modesty; 2. Self-control, or the ^^ubjection of the body to the soul; 3. Respect and charity towards our neighbor, especially towards superiors.

i. If a young person lays claim to be polite, he nnist not be proud and haughty, he must not be full of self. This would provoke general condemnation. He must rather deny himself, often keep in the background, be ready to listen in silence, even when he has something to say that is worth listening to.

His speech must not be harsh and offensive, nor must it be boastful and dictatorial. His bearing should not be defiant, imperious, andn^egardless of others, but calm, simple, modest, retiring. He should never withhold from his neighbor those marks of respect that are his due, and in dress he must not go beyond his means, etc. Now the deportment of which we here speak is possible only to those W'ho are modest and humble and in proportion to their modesty and humility.

ii. In the duty of self-control and of keeping the body in due subjection, we include all that re^ fers to a person's carriage, clothing, cleanliness, ^rder, etc. St. Augustin's definition of man is Ani~ ma corpore utens, "A soul making use of a body." The French philosopher de Ronald explains these words by saying that they clearly point out the relationship existing between the body and the soul. The soul should act as mistress, and the body should be made to obey.

This covers nearly all that is to be said in regard to politeness. The body, which is the slave, must not direct the soul, which is the mistress; his place is to obey. He should be made to feel the consciousness of his subordinate position that he may not go beyond it and may conduct himself properly towards his mistress. For instance, he must not let himself be carried away by his appetite and must not eat or drink too much or too greedily. He must always present himself in becoming posture:

not careless and slovenly, but decent, erect in walking, standing, sitting, kneeling, etc. Thus it will cost many a battle to reduce the body into subjection to the soul and make it observe the laws of politeness.

3. Good manners require us to observe certain regards for our neighbor, especially when age, office, or services give him a claim; for instance: wc should salute him on meeting, visit him on certain occasions, do him little services, show him marks of respect, speak to him, write to him, etc. Not seldom it may become necessary for the sake 'of others to give up some favorite amusement or convenience or to renounce our own will. And what is all this but the practice of fraternal charity?

Politeness is therefore in the full sense of the word the exercise of virtue. And thus it is constantly demanding of us vigilance, self-control, mortification, sacrifice, war. This very fact gives it value and makes it of great importance in education.

The young' person who from liis early years has taken pains to learn to carry himself properly and to acquire elegant manners is preparing for himself by this continuous sacrifice a rich supply of graces for this life and merit for heaven, — provided he goes through these practices in the spirit of kith. His Hfe is an uninterrupted practice of virtue, and brings him those fruits that virtue usually produces: amongst them a feeling of contentment, and a recollection that helps in study and prayer.

The constant efifort required in the exercise of politeness is a great help in strengthening the character. Every act of politeness is a victory of the soul over the body. Multiplied acts form a habit. But when you have been accustomed to victory you feel your strength, your character becomes solid, and thus you are enabled to withstand many temptations.

It might be objected: Marks of politeness are a superficial, outward ceremonial without inward worth or substance; there is nothing in common between them and virtue, and therefore they deserve no special attention.

This is a groundless assertion. Even if the smooth ways of one or another individual be only deception and hypocrisy, outward form and deceit, politeness is not on that account to be cast aside. On the contrary, it should be all the more jealously striven for. Hypocrites do not try to imitate the w^orst, but the best. When they take so much pains to put on the appearance of politeness, how excellent and how commendable it must be?

4. Politeness is a defence against vice.

You may have seen a deep, yav.ning precipice beside a road. To prevent travellers from falling over it, the people of the neighborhood erect a barrier or railing, which serves as a warning and a guard to the passer-by. This railing may not, indeed, be such a protection as will hinder all accidents, but it is sufficient for those that will make use of it.

What the barrier is to the precipice, politeness is in many cases towards vice, a barrier. There are educated people to whom religion is no protection against their passions, because they have no religion; who draw no strength from the sacraments, because they do not receive them; who are not moved nor terrified by the word of God, to which they never listen. Yet they are sometimes irreproachable in their external conduct, and in this matter they might be proposed as models to some Christians.

What is the cause of this? Their refinement ^f tone keeps them out of many dangerous occasions of sin, and it places a certain check on the grosser outbreaks of sensuality.

From what has been said the importance of politeness may be seen. If it is able to keep the unbelieving but honorable man of the world from disgraceful actions, what an influence should it not have on the unspoiled Christian youth and maiden^ who are nobly striving after virtue and perfection! It increases in them the horror of all that is ignoble, gives dignity to their deportment, strengthens them in virtue, gives a finish to their virtues, and secures them the respect of all.