The humour of the Scot 'neath northern lights and Southern cross

Front matter

'ill fmammp

'^1, •^

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Dedication

I dedicate this hook to my dear Aunt Margaret,

Mrs. David Inglis, of Murlingden, Brechin,

the sole surviving representative amongst my relatives of that older generation about which most of these random recollections and jottings have been written.

Contents

CHAPTEE I

Introduction — Scottish Humour, and the Formation of the National Character

What' the early records tell — 'The rugged Scot' of early times — The clan era merges into the national — The Reformation : its material asj)ect — The pretensions of the Presbyter — Influence on the national character of the new repressive regime — Illustration : the Aberdeen waiter — The origin of ' pawkiness ' — Illustrations : the two drovers — A plethora of pease brose — Recipe for acquiring the English tongue — 'Paisley Tarn' an' cauld watter — An eSectual prayer — An English description of a Scotch dish — The auld wifie's pet pig — Grumblin' Jessie — Quaint definitions — ' Needin' a rest' — Effiects of 'Gowf — The Corstorphine wheelwright . . . Pages 1-18

Chapter II

The sense of individuality peculiarly Scottish — World-wide influence of Scottish humour — Power of laughter — The Scottish humourist in Australia — In an Indian camp — In the haunts of commerce — ' Blessed gift of humour ' — Need for delicate treatment in many typical cases referring to matters theological — The tombs of David and Solomon — Satan ' on the xii THE HUMOUR OF THE SCOT

chain' — Adam's state of innocence — The 'klatt' in Eden — A christenin' story — An Aberdeen estimate of the conduct of Joseph's brethren — A boy's idea of ' being born again ' — An old evangelist on Enoch — The deacon's prayer — An old maid's estimate of Solomon — Prayer of a W.S. — The colonial minister's difficulties — Inestimable value of the Bible Class and Bible teaching — Catechetical troubles — ' Pearls before swine' — The dogma of 'total depravity' — How 'the Fall' might have been avoided— Kirsty's idea of 'the Prodigal Son ' Pages 19-39

Chapter III

Their influence on the people — The Presbytery dinner — Critical attitude towards the minister — John's criticism of the new minister — A Montrose hearer — The sick fisherman — A punning text — Caustic advice — Salient features of Presbyterianism : its merits and drawbacks — Belief in democracy — Free speech — Instances of pulpit criticism — Droll descriptions of ministers — Wholesale plagiarism — An'ra the critic — Dr. Aird's story — Hope even for a bishop — Reluctant emotion — A dream and the interpretation thereof 40-54

Chapter IV

Feudal monopolists — The Scottish Universities — The training for manse life — Dry, clerical humour — The Apostle of the Highlands performs a queer christening — The minister of Birse on snuff-taking — Anecdotes of 'Wattie Dunlop' — Deducing a doctrine — Auld Jenny on preaching — A dubious compliment — Unemotional hearers — The elder's presentation speech — A lapsus linguce — Dr. Eadie on the Speerit — Patrick Robertson's 'convairt' — Dunkie Demster's enemy — Pawky clerical puns — An electioneering prayer -^ Dr. Lindsay Alexander's beadle 55-70

CONTENTS xiii

CHAPTEE V

A defiant precentor — The old style of psalmody — A precentor's paradox — A parody of the old metre — Examples of the old, wooden, halting measure — A saintly minister's defence of the old style — The old conservatism — Examples — Dr. Roxburgh's story — A competitive breakdown — Rural high notes — Questionable punctuation — A self-possessed cantor — 'The Stickit Precentor' — A ludicrous paraphrase — Auld ChairlieBroon — Stories from the Brechin Advertiser — The other side of the shield — Opinions of Burns and Sir Walter Scott . Pages 71-86

Chapter VI

The old-time neglect — Modern changes — Slack trade for the sexton — ' Little daein' i' the yaird ' — Wounded vanity — ' A sair time ' — A philosophic widower — 'The cold grave' — A phlegmatic pitman — 'Beelzebub's bosom' — The Inverarity grave-digger — The sexton's grievance — ' Dangerous to meddle wi' the kirk ' — The old-time callousness — 'A sair hoast' — 'Thae Kidds' — A too rapid hearse — ' Steady wark ' — ' A respeckfu' distance ' — A dry retort — A ' popular ' functionary — A story from Punch — Dr. Kidd and his beadle — The rival bells and betherals 87-105

CHAPTER VH

Funeral Customs, Epitaphs, etc.

Old-time insanitary conditions— Tribute to the modern doctor — Effect of a *bit poutherie' — Jeddart physic — The hearse an innovation — A Badenoch funeral — Glenesk customs — Old Tirly — ' Sandie Drew o' the Yoker ' — Kerridge exercise — The xiv THE HUMOUR OF THE SCOT

death-shave — Callousness under bereavement — A grim mourner — 'Nae complaint' — A toast — A lingering patient — Unique use for a hearse — Sir Alfred Robert's story — ' Little fash aboot risin' ' — Stolid mourners — The Tain funeral — ' Taking her at her word ' — A miserly widower — A Scotch ' bull ' — ' A plagueit wumman ' — ISTo wives in stock — Epitaphs — ' A healthy place, Sorn' — My gi-andfather's will — Extracts . Pages 106-136

CHAPTER VIII EUSTICITY OF THE OlDEN TiME

Modern progress and old-time customs : a contrast — 'The changeless East ' : a retrospect — The law of change — One of the old school — The old-time shell-fish sort of existence — Instances — The old farmer and the silver spoon — 'Clean beats Fittie' — ' A naiteral deith ' — A luxurious dinner — The pawky weaver — Peter's rat case — 'No a maisterpiece ' — 'The wonnerfu' works o' natur' ' — Poverty of expression — The pawky shepherd and the barber 137-151

CHAPTER IX EusTiciTY OF THE Olden Time {continued)

The two ploughmen at Alloa — A simple magistrate — The laird and his henchman Donald — Primitive dentistry — A rustic dancing-lesson — Dancie Fettes — A Paisley apologist — A testy farmer to his dog — The chief engineer's present — The D.D. and the cuddy 152-163

, CHAPTER X

The kindly relationships of the old time — A tactless guest in Glenesk — Modern precocity — John Macrae— The old Highland keeper — Outspoken criticism — Robbie and the railway — Sandie and

CONTENTS XV

the French bonne — A pawky butler — Old Andrew's caution about the cabs — A matter-of-fact Abigail — Deeside candour — One from the Antipodes — 'Jock and the reid herrin" — A quaint dejfinition — Personal good fortune with servants — Length of service and fidelity — Illustrations — Old George the gardener — Lessons to be learned from such humble records

CHAPTER XI Distinctive Features of Scottish Humour

Appeal to congenial spirits — A blunt invitation — The pawky blacksmith — A windy day indeed — Auld Willie Millar and the minister — A staggerer for the sexton — Pity for the deil — Chay Black the poacher — Instances of dry, pawky retorts — A grim humourist — Deeside drollery — The Glenesk storekeeper — A caustic rebuke — Literal accuracy — A spirited souter — A disconcerted lecturer — An old hand ' on the road ' — A golf experience — A banker's pun — Montrosian ready. wit — A provost's after-dinner eulogium — His presentation speech — Public spirit of the older generation — An elder's eloquence 183-200

CHAPTEE Xn

Oddities op Speech and old-time Bluntness

Fondness for ' lang-nebbit ' words — A queer illness — How a Scotch lady acquired French — How the minister learned foreign languages — A clerkish mistake — A pulpit intimation — Queer phrases among the fisher folk — Strange place for a ' Dissenter ' — The ' Calvinistic battery ' — Further examples — Instances of pithy Scotch — Deeside dialect — How Pharaoh died — Grades in the fish -hawking business — The miller of Ashbogle — An anecdote of the old minister — A horse-dealer's estimate of his own profession — A wife's blunt injunction — How he knew his sweetheart's name — Peter Ruff the coachdriver — Tam Dick of Dunedin — ' Speerits ' an aid to digestion . . 201-218 xvi THE HUMOUR OF THE SCOT

CHAPTEE XIII

Grouse shooting : its delights and surroundings — A disquisition on whisky — ' Ko the whisky, but the Here's t'ye ! ' — The true path to lasting reform — Jimmy Dewar the toper — The two farmers and their toasts — Two Penang skippers of a like order — 'Nae great judge o' thae soor kinds' — A farmer's estimate of champagne — Peter's modest confession — A lax teetotaller — Why the slow boat was preferred — The twa gills — A deceptive measure — A natural gill-stoup — A drinker's heaven — A cautious reason for sobriety — A temperance testimony — A drouthy Dundee man's dream — A dry commentary — The minister rebuked — The humours of whisky — 'No sma' dry — A trick of the yill trade — A professional estimate — Janet and the minister — Perfect content "... Pages 219-241

CHAPTER XIY

The national conceit — Shakespeare as a Scotsman — The complacent meal-man — The self-satisfied captain — 'A mairchant' on good terms with himself — Professional complacency — A near shot — Sir ;Kobert Hamilton's story — A novel reason for church attendance — 'The salt of the earth' — 'As ithers see us' — Awful ultimate fate of a Scotsman — The colonial version

242-256

CHAPTEE XV

Eailways and Modern Progress

The introduction of steam to an indigo factory — The first sight of a locomotive — Instances — The old sheep-farmer's experience — The porter's correction — Legs versus locomotive — Circumventing the ticket-collector — A pawky stationmaster — 'Ower big for his place ' 257-267

CONTENTS xvii

CHAPTEE XVI

Modern methods in treatment of the insane — Danger of overdoing even philanthropy — The old-time village life — 'Fink' o' the Gun ' — Too literal an answer to prayer — ' Jock Brodie ' — * Singin' Willie ' — ' Jock Heral' '^' Gude, gude wirds ' — Stories of 'The Laird' — 'Johnnie Maisterton' — A queer old parish minister and some stories about him — A cautious Scot — A tight place for Abraham — Rustic simplicity . Pages 268-281

CHAPTER XVII

The Celtic temperament — Difficulties of the English tongue to the Gael — Examples of Gaelic - English — 'News from Tulloch' — An Australian illustration — Two Highland hotel anecdotes — The Skye barometer — Old John M'Leod and the Oban porter — Distinguished company — The first recorded eviction — A 7nal de mer experience — A Highland grace, from Blackwood — Curious marriage customs 282-293

CHAPTER XYHI

Pride of country — Scottish generosity — The Struan Highlander — A Sydney matron's experience — An Antipodean beadle — A typical Scot in Calcutta — Characteristic stories about him — A close-fisted Scot in Melbourne — A Sydney alderman — Two new-chum Scots in Sydney — A disillusioned grazier — A robber despoiled — 'Walkin' on the Sawbath' — 'Shooin' the cat' — Angling in New Zealand — A pawky Scot in the East — An engineer's estimate of classic music . . . 294-310

CHAPTER XIX

THE HUMOUE OF THE SCOT