Major Jones's travels

Front matter

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Preface

Reader, do you feeJ like gwine on a jurny to the north ! If you do, jest take a seat with me, and I'll carry you from Pineville to Quebeck, and back agin in a little or no time. I don't know as I can offer quite sich inducements to travelers, as is offered by some of the pop'lar writers of the day ; but if I can't promise you sich elegant style nor sich instructive and entertainin gossip by the way, I can carry you over the route as cheap as most of 'em, and with as little danger to your morals.

We will travel in steamboats, ralerodes, stage-coaches, and canal-boats, over rivers, lakes and mountains. We will visit cities, towns, and country, and see every kmd of scenery, and make the acquaintance of all sorts of people ; but if the trip should prove dull and uninterestin to you, you can sleep over the long stretches, and if you should git cumpletely out of patience with your auther, you can stop on the way and git aboard of the next book that cums along.

But in sober yearnest : this little sketch of my perry grinations among the big cities of the northern states, was rit with no higher aim than to amuse the idle hours of my frends, and if it fails to do that, its a spilt job. If I had made a bigger book, I'd tuck up too much of

1^ PREFACE.

the reader's time with sich unprofitable nonsense, ana the strait jacket imposed on me by the limits of my volume, made it difficult for me to accomplish what 1 sot out to do. To git over so much ground even bj the shortest route I could find, tuck a good deal of room, and if I stopped to introduce a incident or describe a interestin scene now and then, I found my letters gittin so long that my book wouldn't hold 'em.

I don't want to be understood, though, as makin a apology for my book — not by no means. Sich as it is, I'm responsible for it. But with this brief explanation, them what waste the time to read what I have rit about my travels, will understand why these pages aint no more deservin the compliment they thus pay to

Ther frend til deth,

Jos. Jones.

ILLUSTRATIONS.

rortrait of Major Joseph Jones on his travels Title Cut.

" Old Moma was «ittin' in the door when Major Jones went to her, and she raised her old dim eyes, almost white with age, and looked at him. 'Why, Massa Joe, God bless you ; you gwine away widout tellin pore old Moma good by?'" PageZi.

"Then cnm the kissin bisness. I took the worst job fust, and kissed old Miss Stallins and mother, and then kissed the galls two o* three times a piece, all round." Paff^ 35.

"It tuck the breth clean out of me, my tongue felt as if it was full of needles, and I drapped the glass and spurted the rest out of my mouth quicker'n lightnin, but before I could git breth to speak to tie chap, he ax'd me if I wasn't well." Page 87.

" With that, the little ragged cuss sot up a big laugh, and put his thumb on his nose and wiggled his fingers at me. 'Do yju see anything green?' ses he, ' eh, hoss ? '" Page 91.

" When I was reddy to start, I went to the door to see my trunks put on the waggon, and when I cum back thar be stood in the same place, deaf and dum, with his hands down by his side, and his hed up, lookin me rite in the face." Page 95.

"Says she to Major Jones, I'm a poor woman, my husban's sick, won't yon hold this bundle for me till I go in the drug-store for some medicin'. I did so, got tired of waiting, and walked down to the lamp-post to see what it was. •It was a live baby,' and the sweat poured out of me, I tell you, in a stream." .• j Page 128.

" I soon seed what she was up to, and so I started to p, but the fust thing I know'd she had the yarn round my neck, and the next minit 'bout five hundred of 'em was pullin at me, all singin, 'Cum with me, my dear.'"

MAJOR JONES'S TRAVELS.

LETTER I. Pineville, Geo., May 5, 1845

To Mr. Thompson : — Dear Sir — I have almost giii up writin intirely, sense you quit editin the Southern Miscellany ; but I spose I'm like other peeple what's got the kakoethis skribendy^ as they call it, and never will git cumpletely cured of it as long as I live. Dr. Mountgomery ses it depends a grate deal how peeple take it, whether they ever git over it or not ; sumtimes, he ses, when they catch it at school they git cured of it, when it comes out, by a few doses of judishus kriticism. But he ses he thinks it's a constitootional disease with me, and I better jest let it take its course.

Well, sense my book* has been printed and so many thousand copies of it has been sold all over the country, I've felt a monstrous curiosity to see a little more of the world and the peeple in it, than what a body can see out here in the piny- woods ; and as the crap is pretty well laid by now, and things is considerable easy with me, I've made up my mind to make a tower of travel to the big North this summer, jest for gi'eens, as we say in Georgia, when we hain't got no very pertickeler reason for any thing, or hain't got time to tell the real

• Major Jones's Courtship, with 21 Engravings. Price 75 cts.

one. I'm gwine to take Maiy and little Henry Clay fwho's a mazin smart little feller now, I can tell you,) and go to New York, and Filadelfy, and Washington City, and Baltomore, and Boston and all about thar, and spend the summer until pickin time, nockin round in them big cities, mong them peeple what's so monstrous smart and religious and refined, and see if I can't pick up sume idees what'U be worth rememberin. I've got a first-rate overseer to take care of the plantation, and every thing's fixed for the trip. Mary's tickled to deth ai the idee of seein New York, and gettin a new bonne* rite from the French milliner ; and the galls is all gwine to send for new frocks to be made in the very newest fashion.

Old Miss Stallins, who you know is one of the economicalist old wimen that ever lived, hain't got much notion of no such doins. She ses its all down-right nonsense to spend so much money jest for nothing but to travel away off among people what we don't know nothin about, and maybe won't never see agin if w^e was to live to be as old as Methusleum. The fact is the old woman hain't got no notion of them northern people no how. Ever sense that feller Crotchett tried to git round her for one of her daughters, she can't bear the name of the north ; and jest talk to her about water privileges, and it puts her in a passion in a minit. She ses, Lord knows she wouldnt' give a thrippence to see all the bominable Yankees in the world, and as for seein the country, she ses ther's as many fine plantations, and handsum towns, as many big mountains and rivers, and as many cataracks and sulfer springs in Georgia, as she wants to see, 'thout gwine away otf on the sea to git shipracked maybe, or blowed up by some everlastin steamboat bustin its biler. Besides, she ses, it's no wonder the southern people is always complainin about hard times, when they go to the north every summer and sp'^'nd al] ther money in traveiin and byin fineries and northern gigamarees of one kind another what theji mought jest as well do without.

Mother's a little more reasonable 'bout it. She ses thatbein as I'm a literary caracter I ought to see something of the world, and as it's monstrous troublesome to travel with children, w^e better go now, when we hain't got but one. She ses it's fashionable to go to the north, and she ion't see w^hy I haint as good a right to be like other folks, as sum people she knows, what goes to the Sarrytogy springs every year, when they can't hardly make out to live at home. All she don't like about it is, takin little Henry so far from home. She ses if he was to git sick at the north then she couldn't be thar to nurse him, and Lord only knows what w^ould come of the child. But she's bundled up a whole heap of things to make yarb tea for the baby when it gits sick, and told Mary all how to do, and Prissy's one of the best nurses in the world ; so ther ain't no fear about that. Lord knows, she ses, old misses needn't trouble herself 'bout little massa Harry, for she nussed Miss Mary through all her croops and measels and hoopin-coughs, and all manner of ailments, and she reckons she ought to know how to take care of sick children by this time. I never did see sich a proud nigger before in all my life as she is 'bout gwine to the north. The galls has been makin some new frocks for her, and Mary ses she really does believe the creeter's head is turned ; for she can't stand still long enufi' to try 'em on. She don't think of nothing else but carryin her little massy Harry 'bout New York to look at the stores, and she's promised every nigger on the plantation to bring 'em sumthing from the north. Ned wants to go too, but I don't think it's hardly w^orth while to take him along for all the use he'd be to us, and then it would add to the expense.

We're all in a muss now gettin ready for the journey, and sich other fixin and packin you never did see. I do believe old Miss Stallins and mother has packed up 'bout seven trunks full of plunder of one kind and another, ana the more we tell 'em that ther ain't no use in takin»so much, the more they say we don't know any thing about it. Do you think old Miss Stallins hain't put in a heap of quilts and pillar-cases! and I do believe if we had a trunk big enuff to hold 'em, she'd make us carry a eather-bed or two. She ses people never does know what they want til they find themselves without it, and the best way is always to be on the safe side. She tried her best this morning to git Mary to let her put in 'bout twenty pounds of country soap. She ses she don't care how cheap it is at the north, she knows ther ain't no better in the world than her own make ; and she don't see any sense in people gwine and spendin ther money for things what they've got at home. She's a monstrous clever old woman, and I try to humour her all I can in her notions, but I can't stand the soap.

We expect to start day after to-morrow, if nothing don't turn up to prevent, and if you think my letters is worth the postage, I'll give you my impressions of matters and things now and then, whenever I meet any thing in my travels worth noticin.

Hopin you will be alive and able to keep off the muskeeters when I cum back this fall, I must bid you good-by for the present. So no more from

Your friend til de.C.i,

LETTER II. Pineville, Georgia, May 10, 1845

To Mr. Thompson : — Dear Sir — This is a world of isappintment, shore enuff. All my plans is busted up, and I don't know if any thing ever sot me back much worse before. You know I had evry thing fixed for a journey to the North this summer, with my famly. Well, last nite, bein as we was gwine to start the next mornin, we had a little sort of a sociable party at our nouse, jest by way of makin one job of biddin good by to the nabours. 'Mong the rest of 'em, old Mr. Mountgomery come to see us and wish us good luck on our journey.

Mary and all of 'em was in a monstrous flurryment, and had little Harry all dressed out in his new clothes, to let the nabours see how pretty he looked before he went away. Old Mr. Mountgomery's monstrous fond of children, and always makes a heap of little Harry, cause he's so smart ; and the old man tuck him up on his knee and ax'd him whose sun he was, and how old he was, and a heap of other things what the little feller didn't know nothing about.

" Don't you think it'll improve his helth to take him to the North ?" ses Mary to him.

" 0, yes!" ses he ; "no doubt it'll be a great deal of sarvice to the little feller ; but he'll be a monstrous site of trouble to you on the road, Mrs. Jones."

a Yes !" ses Mary ; " but Prissy 's a very careful nurse ; and she's so devoted to him that she won't hardly let me touch him."

" O, yes!" ses the old man; "if you could jest take Prissy 'long with you, then you'd do very well. But there's it, you see — "

" What ?" ses Mary ; " you didn't think I was gwme to the North without a servant, did you, Mr. Mountgomery?"

The old man laughed rite out. "Ha, ha, ha!" ses he ; " taint possible you is gwine to take Prissy with you to New York, is it? Why, Majer," ses he to me, " haint you got no better sense than to think of takin sich a valuable nigger as that with you, to have her fall into the hands of them infernal abolitionists?"

" The mischief take the abolitionists," ses I ; "I reckon they haint got nothing to do with none of my niggers."

The old man shuck the ashes out of his pipe, and laughed like he would split his sides.

" Why, bless yer soul, Majer," ses he, "you couldn't keep her from 'em a day after you got to New York. No, no!" ses he; "not sich a likely gall as that. They'd have her out of yer hands quicker'n you could say Jack Robinson."

Prissy's eyes looked like sassers, and Mary, and mother, and all of 'em stared like they didn't know what to say.

" Why, Massa Gummery!" ses Prissy, " um wouldn't trouble me if I was long-a' Massa Joe, would dey?"

"To be sure they would, nigger!" ses Mr. Mountgomery ; " they'd take you whether you wag willin or not, in spite of yer Massa Joe, or anybody else."

" But," ses Mary, " Prissy wouldn't leave us on no account — she knows as well as anybody when she's well treated ; and Pm sure she couldn't be better taken care of no whar in the world."

" That don't make no manner of difference," ses the old man. " They wouldn't ax her nothing about it. The fust thing you'd know she'd be gone, and then you mought as well look for a needle in a haystack, as to try to find a nigger in New York."

Then he took a paper out of his pocket and red whai

A gentleman had his nigger tuck from him, somewhar in Providence, and carried rite off and put in jail.

^' Ki," ses Prissy, lookin like she was half scared out of her senses, *' den I aint gwine to no New York, for dem pison ole bobolitionists for cotch me."

" But aint thei no law for nigger stealin, at the north?" ses old Miss Stallins.

"Law!" ses Mr. Mountgomery, "bless you, nol They've sold all ther niggers long ago, and got the money for 'em — so the law don't care whose niggers diey steal."

Mary sot and looked rite in the fire for 'bout a minit without sayin a word. I jest saw how it was. It wan't no use for me to think of her gwine with me, 'thout Prissy to take care of the baby ; and after what Mr. Mountgomery had sed to her, I raought jest as well try to git her to stick her hed in the fire as go to New York. I never thought of them bominable abolitionists before, and I never was so oudaciously put out with 'em. It was enough to make a man what wasn't principled agin swearin, cus like a trooper. Just to think — every thing reddy to start, and then to have the whole bisness nocked rite in the head by them devils."

" Well," ses Mary, " thar's a eend to my jurney to the north. I couldn't think of gwine a step without Prissy to take care of the child ; and spose I was to git sick, too, way off 'mong strangers — what would I do without Prissy ?"

"Oh! it wouldn't never do in the world," ses old Miss Stallins.

" But," ses Mr. Mountgomery, you could git plenty Df servants at the north when you git thar."

"What!" ses Mary; "trust my child with one of \hem good-for-nuthin free niggers ? No, indeed ! I wouldn't have one of 'em about me, not for no conwderashun. I never did see one of 'em what had any breedin, and they're all too plagy triflin to take care of themselves, let alone doin any thing else."

" No ! but," ses the old man, " they've got plenty of white servants at the north, what you can hire foi /ittle or nothing."

" Goodness gracious !" ses old Miss Stallins ; " white servants ! Well, the Lord knows I wouldn't have none of 'era 'bout me."

" Nor me neither," ses Mary. " It may do weli enufffor people what don't know the difference between niggers and white folks ; but I could never bear to see a white gall toatin my child about, and waitin on me like a nigger. It would hurt my conscience to keep anybody 'bout me in that condition, who was as white and as good as me."

'^ That's right, my child," ses old Miss Stallins; "no Christian lady could do no such thing, I don't care who they is."

I know'd the jig was up, and I was like the boy what the calf run over — I didn't have a word to say.

" But," ses Mr. Mountgomery, '' the're brung up to it."

" Well," ses Mary, " the more sin to them that brings 'em up to be servants. A servant, to be any account as a servant, is got to have a different kind of a spirit from other people ; and anybody that would make a nigger of a white child, because it was pore, hain't got no Christian principle in 'em."

" But," ses Mr. Mountgomery, " you know, Mrs. Jones, when you're in Rome, you must do as Rome does. If the northern people choose to make niggers gentlemen, and their own children servants, you can't help that, you know."

" Yes ; but," ses Mary, " niggers is niggers, and white folks is white folks, and I couldn't bear to see neither of 'em out of ther proper places. So, if I've got to have "white servants to wait on me, or stay at home, I'll never go out of old Georgia long as I live, that's what I wont."

" Then, Mary," ses I, " is our journey to be busted up, shore enuff ?"

" no, Joseph ; you can go, and I'll stay home with mother. Maybe I won't have many more summers to be with her, and I'd feel very bad afterwards, to think I neglected her when she w^as with us."

The old woman put her arms round Mary's neck, and squeezed her til the tears come into her eyes.

" My sweet, good daughter," ses she ; " bless your dear hart, you always was so kind to your pore old mother."

That made Mary cry a little ; and little Harry, thinkin' something was the matter, sot up a squall, too, til his mother tuck him and talked to him a bit, and then Prissy come and carried him in tother room.

I didn't know what to do. I always hate terribly to be backed out of any thing what I've sot my mind on ; but to go to the north without takin' Mary along, w^as something I didn't like to think about. But then, after all my 'rangements was made, and I'd shuck hands and bid good-by to 'most everybody in Pineville, it was too 'bominable bad to be disappinted thataway. But after a while I told Mary I'd stay home, too, and go some other time.

*' No, no, Joseph," ses she ; " I know you want to go, and I want to have you go, cause it'd do you good to see the north and git acquainted with the world. When little Harry gits big enuff so he can take care ot himself, then we can take a journey together in spite of the old abolitionists; and then you'll know all about the country, and it'll be a great deal pleasanter for us all."

" That's a fact ; Mrs. Jones is right, Majer," ses Mr Mountgomery. " You'd better leave your famly ai home this time. You wont be gone more'n a month or so, and I reckon Mrs. Jones ain't afraid to trust you that long 'mong the Yanky galls."

Mary blushed terrible.

'' But," ses I

'* ! you ain't 'fmid of her runnin off with anybody fore you git back, is you?" ses he. Then the old feller aughed like he would die.

" Ain't you 'shamed, Mr. Mountgomery, to talk that a-way ?" ses Mary.

" You needn't be 'fraid of that, brother Joe," ses sister Calline, " for me and Kizzy '11 watch her monstrous close while you're gone."

" Shaw," ses I ; "you can't make me jealous."

" Nor me, neither," ses Mary.

Then old Mr. Mountgomery laughed till he knocked the fire out of his pipe all over himself, and that sot the galls and all of 'em to laughin worse than ever.

But I tell you what, Mr. Thompson, (and you're a married man and will blieve what I say,) I didn't feel much like laughin myself. I never did like this Yanky way of married people livin' all over creation without seein one another more'n once in a coon's age ; and the idee of 'gwine off and leavin' Mary, for a whole month, tuck all the rinkles out of my face whenever I tried to laugh. But the difficulty was, I couldn't help myself. If I staid home, I couldn't be contented about it, and all the fellers would be rigin me^ 'cause I could'nt leave my wife long enough to go to the north. So I made up my mind to go anyhow, and make the best I could of it.

Bimeby old Mr. Mountgomery 'lowed it was time to be gwine home ; so he bid us good-by, and promised to come and see me off to-morrow mornin.

After the old man was gone we all sot round the fire and talked the thing over in a family way. Mary looked monstrous serious, but she's got too much good sense to make a fuss 'bout sich things. She ses I must ritf to her every day, and I must be very careful and nt., git shipracked or bio wed up in any of the steambotes; or rail-rodes, and I must take care and not ketch no colds by exposin myself in the cold weather at the north, whar people, she ses, dies off with the consumption like sheep does with the distemper.

All our trunks has got to be overhauled and my fhings put by themselves, so I can't start til to-morrow inornin. I'm gwine as far as Augusty in my carriage, t\nd then take the rail-rode to Charlston. If no other botherment don't turn up to pervent, you shall hear from me on my Travels pretty soon. So no more from Your frend, til deth, Jos. Jonfs.

P. S. Prissy's raised a perfect panick 'mong the niggers on the plantation 'bout the abolitionists. Pore creeter, her hart's almost broke cause she can't go to the north wdth her misses and little massa Harry ; and I do bheve she's as fraid of the abolitionists as she is of the very old Nick himself. You ought to hear some of the niggers' descriptions of 'em. When Prissy told old Ned w4iat Mr. Mountgomery sed — how they carried off all the niggers they could ketch, and put 'em in jail so thev couldn't never go back to ther white folks, ses he to her — " Ki, gall, youna no tell dis nigger nulfin bout dem catde ; cus 'em, me hear ole massa tell bout 'em fore you born. Aligator aint no suckemstance to 'em. 'Em got horns like billy-gote, and big red eyes like ball ob fire ; and 'em got grate long forkit tail like sea-sai pent, and jes kotch up pore nigger, same like me hook cm trout. Ugh, chile, dey wusser'n collerymorb\is.' 2

LETTER III. Augusty, Georgia, May 12, 1845

To Mr. Thompson : — Dear Sir — This far I have travelled in the bowels of the land without any diffikilty, as Mr. Shakespeer ses ; but whether I'm gwine to git safe to my jurny's eend, or find myself Hke Jony m the bowels of a whale's belly before I git home agin, is a bisness what opens a fine field for speckelation, as the cotton byers ses.

But that's neither here nor thar. I sot down to tel) you 'bout my jurny to this city. Well, this mornin all the famly was up Ijefore the crack of day gettin reddy for me to start. Evrything was reddy three or four days ago, but it seemed like the nearer the time come to start, the more ther was to do. Thar was old Miss Stallins in the kitchen raisin a harrycanc among the niggers 'bout gettin breckfust for me — the niggers was all crazy 'bout my gwine away — Ned ^^as rairin ana pitchin 'bout the lot cause one of tiie little niggers let the horses git out of the stable- -some of the harness was lent — old Simon had tuck the tar-bucket off with him, so ther wasn't no way to grease the carrige — Piissy upsot the tea-kittle, gittin some water for me to shave — Fanny tripped up and spilt all the biskits in the yard — the galls was lookin for the kee of my trunk, what couldn't be found no whar — little Harry was squallin like blazes cause he couldn't have on hi> new hat and cote and go with me in the carrige — anc in the middle of the everlastin rumpus, I like to cut my nose off with the razer !

Bimeby though, things all settled down into a pretty considerable calm. Ned cotcht the horses — the harness was brung home — the wheels was greased — th*» kee

MAJOR JONESES TRAVELS. 33

was found rite whar Mary had put it herself— little Harry stopped cryin — my nose stopped bleedin, and breckfust was sot ; but after all ther wasn't one could eat a mouthful, spite of all the 'swadin old Miss Stallins could do.

Mary tuck on considerable, pore gall ; though she tried to hide it all she could. She didn't have much to say, but she looked monstrous droopy; and whenever I tried to cheer her up by tellin her I wouldn't stay no longer than I could help, her lips would sort o' quiver, and she'd turn round to tend to the baby or something ; but when she looked at me agin, her long eyelashes was damp with tears. Ah ! Mr. Thompson, me and you know how to predate the deep pure founting irom whar them tears flowed — we married men know how to vally the ever-gushin feelins of a true woman's hart, which, like the waters of the spring what no summer can't dry up and no winter freeze, is coolest when the day is hottest and grows warmer when the world grows cold. I felt monstrous bad myself, but it wouldn't do to let on, for I know'd it would only make her worse.

By this time old Mr. Mountgomery, and cousin Pete, and a heap more nabors, and all the niggers on the plantation, was come to bid me good-by. Old Termination, my driver, was mounted on the box, with his clean clothes on, and a bran new lash to his whip, the proudest nigger you ever did see. He couldn't notice none of the rest of 'em for his shirt collar, but if any of the little niggers come too close to his team, axin him to by 'em something in Augusty, he was monstrous, apt to anser 'em with a little tetch of the lash.