Trotty's wedding tour, and story-book

Contents

Chapter Page

I. The Divorce • . - . ^ .11

11. An Interruption . . - . J . . . . 19

Chapter I. The Divorce

ROTTY had been married before.

There is no denying that.

Whatever may be said — and a great deal may be said — about First Love, and Eternal Fidelity, the fact remains : Trotty had been married before.

To those who have been personally interested hitherto in the memoirs of this remarkable young gentleman, it will be only necessary to refer in the scantiest way to his domestic history. His early and unfortunate attachment to that estimable young lady. Miss Nita Thayer, and its abrupt and blighting termination, can but be fresh in the reader’s recollection.

tiiotty’s wedding tour.

It was not until Miss Merle Higgins came into Fourth Reader that he went to Indiana to apply for a divorce.

Miss Merle Higgins was the belle of the School at the time when she honored Fourth Reader by her presence. At least, so Nate said, and one or two of the other boys ; and Trotty supposed they ought to know, though it was something of a perplexity to him in his thoughtful moods, there being one in the belfry already ; though, to be sure, that was cracked.

Miss Merle Higgins’s mother did up Miss Merle’s hair in papers over night, and Miss Merle’s hair — unless it was damp weather — hung about her eyes and her little (pug) nose in so many curls that she looked like a basket of beautiful, fresh shavings. Miss Merle wpre a blue dress, and a pink overskii’t. She had a necklace of large pearl beads, and a brass ring. She wrote little notes to the boys on pink paper. Besides these irresistible attractions, she kept a bottle of Lubin’s perfumery in her desk, and her father kept an oyster-saloon and candy-shop.

At this time Mrs. Nita was recovering from the chickenpox, and wearing out her old brown gingham.

It was on a Wednesday morning that Miss Merle came into Fourth, and that she lost her book, and Trotty stood by her and lent her his.

It was on Saturday that he proposed to her.

They were eating a corn-ball at recess. Trotty took one bite, and Merle took one. They sat on the little wood-pile in the sun.

THE DIVORCE.

‘‘ I should link,” said Trotty (big as Trotty is now, he is weak on his ‘‘ th’s ” yet), ‘‘ I should fink you ’d make a very nice wife if a man wanted any more. But I liked the mushmelons you brought yesterday, better.”

I ’ll bring some fig-paste to-morrow,” said Merle.

I like lozumges too,” said Trotty. “ I don’t know but I ’d marry you if it was n’t for Nita.”

‘‘ I ’m engaged, I thank you,” said the young lady, finishing the corn-ball, and serenely • sucking her brass-ringed fingers, while her little ankle-ties swung tormentingly and carelessly to and fro against the wood-pile.

‘‘ I ’ll fight him ! ” cried Trotty. If you ’d only had another corn-ball I ’d go and fight him now.”

“ Do you s’pose I ’d be so mean as tell of him ? ” said the lady, I would n’t have him get hurt on my account. If you ’d got a divorce I don’t know but I ’d marry you any way. He need n’t know. He ’s sick at home with the mumps.”

“ Well, I will,” said Trotty, “ if you ’ll get a jelly roll-over for the wedding dinner.”

If I can’t, I ’ll get half a stick of nut-candy,” said Miss Merle. And so it was settled.

And so on Monday Trotty went to Indiana for his divorce. It may not be generally known that Indiana is bounded on the north by the School-yard fence, on the east by Bogg’s Me’sh,” on the south by Deacon Trimner’s pastures, and on the west by Nate’s house. Indiana, in fact, is a trotty’s wedding tour.

long, loose, shaky stone wall which the cows can jump over when they like, and from which the stones roll on little boys’ and girls’ ankles in climbing over if they don’t look out.

Nita came; and Nate. Merle said that Nate married them, and so he must unmarry them. Nita and Nate and Trotty sat down on the shaky wall. Miss Merle hid behind it, and kept jumping up to see, and scraping her little short nose very hard on the edge of the wall, and then flopping down with a great noise to hide again. She was not supposed to be there at all, — it not being thought quite proper ; and though Mrs. Nita made faces at her twice, and the Reverend Mr. Nate turned his clerical eyes with a broad and reproving stare upon her whenever she moved, and Trotty kissed his hand to her in the face of the public and without a blush, the supposition answered all conventional and legal purposes quite as well as the fact, — which is the case with a great many suppositions in more mature society.

Well, and so Nita and Nate and Trotty sat down — with some care, and holding on very tight — upon Indiana, and the services began. It was Merle who wanted it called “ services.” The clergyman thought ceremony a more suitable word ; perhaps because the occasion seemed to the professional mind to be lacking in the solemnity of either a first marriage or a funeral. The widow — if that is the proper thing to call her — preferred “ exercises,” and Trotty himself inclined to speak of the ‘‘ performances ” ; but Merle carried the day, and the services began as follows : —

THE DIVORCE.

The Clergyman. “You Mrs. Nita, just listen to me. Ma’am (if you push me off this wall I won’t play!), hold your head up, ma’am, and take your bonnet off.”

Mrs. Nita. “ Yes, sir, if you ’ll untie the strings ; they ’re knotted up.”

Clergyman (^coug'hing') . “ As long as it is n’t a weddings I don’t know but you may as well keep it on. I propose, ma’am, — I propose to ask you to-day if you wish and request to be divorced from your husband, Mr. Trotty.”

Mrs. Nita. “ No, sir. I never did. But Merle put him up to it, and so he says I must.”

The Bridegroom (h lushing''). “0, what a story! You said you ’d just as liefs if I gave you five cents to-morrow ; so I gave you four to-day. Besides., you ’ve got my note for the other, at ten per cent interest. So there now ! ”

Clergyman (^severely). “ Mr. Trotty, sir, you insult the lady ! Sir, you deserted her ! You ran away from this lady on your first wedding journey, sir ! Let me hear you say you did n’t !

Mrs. Nita (with some spirit). “ His mamma knows he did ! She wrung me out and set me up to the kitchen fire. I would n’t have another sucher husband ! I ’d rather be a nold maid or else I ’d marry Mr. Boggs or Crazy Jim. Besides, if my father kept a candy-shop I would n’t marry other folkses husbands ! I ’d get a fresh one of my own, or I ’d go without ! ”

At this point Miss Merle appeared in full-length photograph trotty’s wedding tour.

above the top of Indiana, and manifested such an active desire to throw some very solid portions of that admirable State in the direction of Mrs. Nita, that the minister began hastily and authoritatively to conclude the scene.

“ Mr. Trotty, sir, you are a divorced husband ! ” (very impressively). ‘‘Mrs. Nita, marm, you are a divorced widower, if you please. You can both two of you marry again.”

“ Hold on ! ” cried the bridegroom, “ I never said she might ! ”

“ Can marry again,” repeated the clergyman, sternly, “ as many times as the law permits ; especiallary the lady, sir ! If you ’ll wait till I ’ve got down without this stone’s coming on top of me, I ’ll dismiss you, ladies and gentlemen, and go to the deacon’s, myself. I ’ve got some business there, in the licorice department. Good morning, sir ! ”

So Trotty and Nita and Nate got down from the stone wall (with some difficulty) , and the minister walked thoughtfully away.

“ You ’d better go too,” said the bridegroom ; for Miss Higgins had boldly climbed over the wall by this time, and was twisting her curls over a slate-pencil with a killing air.

“ I was n’t arsed ! ” said the poor little widow ; but she, too, walked mournfully away.

Trotty went and sat down by Merle upon a stone.

“ How do fink you feel now ? ” asked he.

“ I should have liked it better if Nita could n’t have mar-

THE DIVORCE.

ried again,” said the lady ; ‘‘ I did n’t promise Nate a banana with one end good, to be treated so.”

“ I s’pose,” said Trotty, serenely ignoring this feminine annoyance, “ I s’pose we might as well do it to-day as any time.”

I ’d rather it would be to-morrow,” said the lady, decidedly. “ My French print is in the wash, and won’t be ironed till morning. I would n’t marry any body in this old delaine.”

“ I fought it was a pretty dress,” said Trotty, argumentatively.

‘‘ What do you know about dresses ? ” said the bride-elect, with emphasis.

There was no reply to this crushing argument. What did he ? Trotty sighed, and submitted perforce to Fate.

Anyways,” said he, “ I ’d like the jelly roll-over to-day.

■ Then I would n’t care so much ! ”

‘‘We must go on a wedding tour,” said Merle.

“ 0 yes,” said Trotty. “ I ’d like to go down the Me’sh on a raft ; or hire Mr. Bogg’s old pony, — I can drive, — and ride round awhile.”

“ I ’d rather go to Lawrence in the cars,” said the lady, coolly. “We might go over on the noon train, and do a little shopping, and have an ice-cream. My mother would n’t care.”

“ I ’ll ax my mother,” said the young bridegroom, plaintively, somewhat abashed by this immense proposal. “ She tuotty's wedding tour.

never did let me go to Lawrence alone. I s’pose you ’d pay your own fare, would n’t you ? My ’lowance is n’t very large this year.”

“ What ’s that ? ” asked Merle, suddenly.

“ What ’s what ? ”

“ That ! There ! Behind the wall ! 0, I heard a grovel-

ing I ”

Trotty listened. He heard it too.

“ It ’s a bear ! ” screamed Miss Higgins. ‘‘ It ’s a bear, a bear ! ”

Don’t you be scared,” said Trotty, loftily ; ‘‘ I ’ll frow a stone at him, and then I ’ll sit on him, till he ’s lost his breath, he ’d better know ! ”

The growling recommenced, — grew loud, — grew louder, — grew terrible.

AN INTERRUPTION.

CHAPTER TI.

AN INTERRUPTION.

T came from beyond Indiana, in the direction of Boggs’s

Me’sh.

It was a terrible growling.

‘‘ Why don’t you jump over and see what it is ? ” demanded Merle, between her little shrieks.

‘‘ I don’t fink I ’d better leave you ! ” said Trotty, a little white about the lips. I ’ll wait till he comes a little nearer, and then I ’ll jab him, sir ! ”

You will, will you ! 0, you will, won’t you ? Hi then !

Now ! Let ’s see you do it ! 0 my ! I stump you ! 0, you darse rCt ! 0, you will, will you ?

Like a clap of thunder to Trotty ’s terrified ears, these awful words burst from the mouth of the ‘‘ bear,” and that savage animal himself appeared in full length, and, leisurely leaping the wall, stood glaring at Trotty.

He was a little undersized for a bear, being about three feet and a half in length, and very thin in his muscular development, looking, indeed, very much like a bear recovering from the mumps or some similar epidemic common to those delicate animals at an early age. He wore a gray sack with a leather belt to it, and long gray plaid trousers, as well as a soldier cap with a band of gold braid about it. Altogether, for a bear, he showed a good deal of appreciation of the customs of civilized life, as was further exhibited by his squaring two (rather dirty) fists at Trotty, with a dreadful smile, and threateningly demanding : —

“ What business has one man got to make up to another man’s girl ? ”

At this. Miss Higgins sat down and chewed her hat-strings in apparent despair.

“ 0,” said she, ‘‘ it is, it is I ”

‘‘ Is what ? ” asked Trotty, fiercely.

“ It ’s Pompey Merino ! It is, it is ! ”

‘‘ Who ’s Pompey Merino ? ” asked Trotty. I never saw him before.”

‘‘ 0, he ’s the butcher’s son,” said Merle, biting her own curls in considerable absence of mind. “ 0, I never meant to make any trouble. His father used to let us go to ride in the cart. What on earth shall I do ? It ’5 the gentleman 1 vms engaged to I

An awful silence followed this announcement.

Pompey Merino looked at Trotty. Trotty looked at Pompey Merino.

‘‘ Anyway,” said Trotty, confidently, ‘‘ we ’re going to be married to-morrow. You ’d better go home, sir, the way you came ! ”

“ Sir,” said Pompey Merino, “ I ’ll fight you first, if you ’ve no objections.”

THE DUEL.

Chapter III. The Duel

ROTTY winked for a minute, very hard and fast. He

1 looked Pompey Merino over from head to foot. Pompey was at least a half an inch the taller, and his pants were long.

“ I have n’t got a pistol,” said Trotty. ‘‘ I ’ve lost the cork out of mine ; and my pop-gTin does n’t pop very well. I tried it with some smashed potatoes yesterday.”

“ You ’re a cow — ard ! ” said Pompey, turning away.

I ’ll punch you ! ” said Trotty, growing hot.

“ Well then ! ” said Pompey, “ fists, then. I challenge you, sir, to fists ! ” Now, Trotty had two very tough little browned and hacked and muddy fists of his own, and he doubled them up with zest ; he felt the ugly, fighting feeling come out all over him ; he felt like a little dog when another little dog snaps at him. He looked something like one too, for his mouth was open, and his eyes flashed, and it seemed almost as if he pricked his ears up under his soft, spaniel-like hair. It is so much more dog-like than boy-like after all to fight !

‘‘ Fists, sir,” said Pompey ; ‘‘on top of the wall, if you please. Whichever man knocks the other man off Indiana first shall get her, sir ! ”

trotty’s wedding tour.

0, tlie stones will roll on you ! ” cried Merle, half ready to cry when she saw the two boys climb upon the crazy wall, looking so doggish and so ugly, — and yet half pleased and vain too in her silly little heart at being the object of so much excitement.

But the boys did not pay the least attention to her, now. In fact they had forgotten her altogether. Trotty concentrated all his energies on balancing a rather slippery stone upon which he had perched himself. Pompey fixed his eyes upon a button on Trotty’s sack which he meant to hit.

THE DUEL.

One — two — three — noio I ” shouted Pompey, and they went at it.

It was all over in a minute. How it happened exactly, nobody could tell. Whether Trotty tripped Pompey off his feet, or Pompey hit Trotty in the jacket, was an unsolved mystery. Whether the challenger had beaten, or tlie challenged, was a matter of very little consequence.

Treacherous Indiana had yielded to their weight ; they had slipped, struggled, and fallen, together, all in a moment’s time. Miss Merle, fairly forgetting for once that she did her hair in curl-papers and could number more “ engagements ” than any other girl in school, screamed with terror when both the hoys disappeared from her view upon the other side of the rolling wall, which, like Jill in the story, came tumbling after,” at a rapid and a fearful rate.

She did not dare to look over. She only sat still and cried. After what seemed to her a long, long time, Pompey Merino crawled out from the ruins and gazed ruefully at a scratch or two on his fingers, and a great many splashes of swamp-mud on his long pants. He did not seem to be much hurt, and he did not seem to care in the least whether she married another boy or not. He said, crossly, that he wished they ’d put it off till snowballs, it was so muddy, and that he should think Trotty would rather get up.

But Trotty could n’t get up. In the ruins of Indiana he lay groaning, with a dreadful sound.

His leg, he said, was broken. And indeed an ugly great trotty’s wedding tour.

stone lay right across his little balmoral stocking and buttoned boot, and nearly up to the knee where the little full trousers stopped, providing him, you see, with a very good reason for lying still in the Indiana mud ; and me with a moral for this chapter ; namely : — When your pants are short, never fight a boy in long.

THE CONSEQUENCES.

CHAPTER lY.

THE CONSEQUENCES.

ILL was called out of school. Then his mother was

1 J called from home. Then the Doctor was called out of office hours,” where he sat, putting up little white sugarplums for a dozen people. He tipped over his pellet-bottles, told the dozen patients that if they were in a hurry they might go to old Dr. Castoroil, and fairly ran to Indiana — and he was a stout man too. But he was very fond of Trotty. Almost all stout people were.

Now, nobody had thought of such a thing as rolling the stone off Trotty, till the doctor came. His mother might have, but she had n’t got there. Lill had devoted herself in a general way to getting Trotty’ s head upon her lap, and Merle, in the incoherence of her grief, had actually sat down upon that very stone to cry !

So it was Dr. Bryonia, like tlie angel at the Sepulchre (Trotty thought of that), who rolled away the cruel, crushing rock, and took the little fellow gently up.

Trotty screamed a dreadful scream at the tender motion. It seemed to him as if he should scream himself to death, it hurt him so.

‘‘ Is it broken ? ”

Is \t broken ? ”

trotty’s wedding tour.

‘‘ 0, is it broken ? ”

Everybody spoke at once and bothered the doctor, so none of them got an answer for their pains. The doctor said : — “ We ’ll take him home. I don’t want anybody but his mother round.”

So they carried the poor little duellist home. It was a sad procession. Lill followed crying, at a doubtful distance. She would n’t speak to Merle, who went a little way and stopped. Pompey Merino hid behind the ruins of Indiana, and dared not show his muddy face.

And so the doctor poked and pushed and probed and washed and sewed and bandaged, — all as gently as gentle could be, to be sure, but that did n’t seem to make so much difference then, — and Trotty cried and sobbed and wished he ’d never been divorced, and wished he ’d never fought a duel, and wished he ’d never been married at all, and at last wished nothing whatsoever, for they put a great sponge to his face, and he went away (so it seemed) at once into a pleasant place where all the furniture was carved out of jelly roll-overs and all the people went on wedding journeys every other day.

And so, by and by. Doctor Bryonia went back to the dozen patients (who had all waited but one, and he died the next week), and people shut the doors softly all over the house, and Lill went about with her handkerchief at her eyes, and Nita and Nate came over and went to the back door to find out what had happened. Somebody had told them that Trotty was dead.

max’s logic.

CHAPTER V. max’s logic.

NO,” said Lill, ‘‘ he is n’t dead.”

\_/ ‘‘ Is his leg broken ? ” asked Nate.

‘‘ No,” said Lill. She felt how important a thing it was that Trotty should be so sick, and did not incline to satisfy people’s curiosity all at once.

“ Is his other leg broken ? ” asked Nita, after a thoughtful silence.

No,” said Lill, “ but it ’s such a smash I ”

0 dear, dear ! ” said poor little Nita. She felt so sorry ! She did n’t remember Merle and the divorce at all. It seemed so dreadful to play with a boy all your life and then find him smashed one day ! It was like hearing the newspapers read or going over to the railroad accident at the junction.

“ They sewed it up ! ” pursued Lill, making the most of the occasion, “ and banged and hurt him so ! And he took ether too ! ”

Nita and Nate had never known anybody before who took ether. They felt overawed. They wondered if Trotty would n’t feel big ” when he got over it, and went meekly away.

Poor little Trotty 1 It was a long time before lie felt like

TROTTY S WEDDING TOUR.

feeling big ” about anything. His leg was badly crushed, and he lay in bed, — it seemed to him as if he lay in bed as long as all his life had been outside of bed before.

At first he was very still, and weak, and patient. Nobody was allowed to come in but his mother and Lill and the new girl, who wore a white apron, and made up his bed, and sang a funny little Irish song that he liked.

But by and by he began to be better.

“ He ’s as cross as a bear,” said Lill one day when the doctor was there.

Glad of it,” said Dr. Bryonia. “ Good sign ! The crosser the better ! Boys are always cross when they are getting better.”

‘‘ Are n’t girls cross too ? ” asked Lill.

0, girls I ” said the doctor, ‘‘ why, girls ought not to be cross at all ! ”

Lill did n’t say anything. She thought this was very peculiar in the doctor. But then, he was only a man.

However that might be, Trotty grew better and crosser, and crosser and better, very fast.

What should they do with him ? They had read to him, they had sung to him, they had talked to him. They cut him paper soldiers. They made him paper money. They bought him a new stamp-book. They invented unheard-of stamps (such as the thirty-cent Dreamland, and a Fairyland pennycurrency, and a fine newspaper-imprint direct from the Postmaster-General of the moon). They tortured tlieir con-

MAXS LOGIC.

sciences, too, in the formation of counterfeit Patagonias, and other rarities. Lill played jack-straws with him. She played checkers. She played “ everlasting.” She let him beat at Busby ” all the time. When he was able to be dressed and to sit in an easy-chair with his foot on an ottoman, she brought in somebody to help her once a day. Nate came pretty often, — he was n’t so still as a girl. Forgiving little Nita came a great deal and softly played about and pleased him.

trotty’s wedding tour.

At last, one day, came Merle herself.

“ I axpected you before,” said Trotty, reproachfully: Merle said she had been very busy, and her mother would n’t let her come. Trotty did n’t know, exactly, whether he believed that or not, but he said nothing.

Merle looked very pretty that day. Slie liad on a new Scotch-plaid dress.

“ We might get married, after all,” said Trotty. Merle said she did n’t care, and so Nate came up and married tliem. He stood on two crickets, and wore one of Lill’s dresses for a clerical gown. After the ceremony, they had weak lemonade and some sponge-drops, that were left over from Trotty’s dinner.

‘‘ When I get well, we ’ll go on our journey,” said Trotty.

Time enough for that,” said Merle. She did n’t seem to care much. She got vexed, too, because she was beaten at dominoes afterwards, and went home. If I must tell tlie truth, Trotty did n’t much care. She rustled about the room and tired him.

But wliat should they do with him ? The better he grew, the more of a Chinese puzzle it became, to find out. When he was well enough to walk about on one foot and a crutch, it was fairly distracting ; he was in such a hurry to get well and out to play, and in so much danger of being in too great a hurry, and so of not getting out till nobody knew when.

‘‘ Why, I ’ll amuse him,” said Max, one day, when his

MAX S LOGIC.

mother, grandmothers, Lill, Nita, and the new girl had each and all retired exhausted from the field. ‘‘ You women don’t know how to manage. It ’s easy enough ! ”

So Max took his books into Trotty’s room and sat down with a hopeful but determined expression.

‘‘ Now Trotty ! ” said he, “ I ’ve come to stay with you, and I want you to have a nice time and be a good boy. I ’ve got to read, you know, but I ’ll sit here, and I want you to amuse yourseH.”

“ 0 yes,” said Trotty, readily ; “ I ’ll be good if I have ten cents — in pennies — to play top on the table.”

Max produced the ten cents ; that was easy enough. Lill did not have ten cents, to be sure, to give away for the asking. But Max only thought : It never occurs to a woman to bvy a job done. I ’ve fixed him this time, I fancy.”

Max began to read : —

‘‘ From this it appears, that, though the difference of reasoning in the several qualities of comprehension and extension obtains in — ”

‘‘ Max ! ” said Trotty, placidly, my penny has rolled all around ve room.” Max picked up the penny and began again : —

‘‘ Obtains in disjunctive, as in all other syllogisms, it does not, in the — ”

“ Max ! ” again, sweetly, “ I wished I had a drink of water.”

Max got the drink of water, and tried once more : — trotty’s wedding tour.

‘‘ Does not — disjunctive Trotty — in the ten cents — syllogism — determine the — drink of water —

‘‘ 0 Max ! don’t you wished you were a minister, and had gone into pasturage for a living ? ”

“ Trotty, I gave you something to do. I can’t talk to you, besides.”

“ 0, can’t you ? ” said Trotty, looking surprised. ‘‘ Why, Lill can.”

Max looked severe, but made no reply.

“ 0, see here ! Max ! ” suddenly, from the easy-chair. ‘‘Wouldn’t you rather be a doctor? I would. Mamma’s got a doctor’s book in the library. I read it sometimes. It ’s called “ Illustrated Hydrophobia : in four quarts.”

(Max looked it up afterwards, when his system had recovered from the shock. It was “ Illustrated Hydropathy : in four parts.”)

“ Trotty,” said Max, somewhat rapidly, “ shall I get you the dominoes ? ” ^ .

“ 0 no, thank you ; dominoes are played out. I ’d like a piece of squash-pie, though.”

“ Jack-straws ? Paint-box ? Log-cabin ? Anything ? ” pursued Max, hopefully.

“ You need n’t trouble yourself,” said Trotty, shaking his head ; “ I ’ve had all those every day. If I had a velocipede, I might like it. Or a watch. Max ! If I ’ll keep still, will you buy me a silver watch next week ? ”

“0 — Max — ,” mournfully, two minutes after, “ I wished

MAX S LOGIC.

I were a Brahmin. Or a genii. I want mamma to go to Oregon and be a trapper. She thought she would n’t. Won’t you ? ”

Max felt as if he might at that moment, and consider himself well off. His big black ‘‘ Logic” tumbled to the floor. He started up. He ran his hands through his hair. He paced the room. Trotty thought he was going crazy, and sat really still, for fear.

“ I have it ! ” said Max, at last, and went off up garret.