Two women wronged in courtship, in church, in country

Front matter

TWO WOMEN WRONGED

IN COURTSHIP IN CHURCH IN COUNTRY

BY

Scene 1. — Oswego — Parlor In True Patience' Home — True Patience Seated On Sofa

Enter Servant: Please mum, here's Dr. Speed-Good's card.

True P: Bid him in.

Enters Speed-Good.

True P: (Rising and extending her hand) Good day, Doctor, how are you? glad you've come; be seated, doctor.

Speed: Thank you much for your kind welcome. I am well. I come so often I wonder you do not tire of me.

True P: You cannot come so often as to wear out your welcome; and besides, you have not been here for two months. By the way, Doctor, are you still engaged on that musical composition, "The Other Side of It?"

Speed: Yes, it will take a year yet.

True: People are talking much about it.

Speed: Indeed?

True: I said, Doctor, that I was glad to see ■you; the fact is I was about to phone you over when your card announced you.

Speed: Indeed, I shall be glad to help you, True.

True,: Well, you know how sad my life has a,ye been.

You know ray mother died when I was born, And father fell dead on a Frisco x>latform, Before I reached my thirteenth year of life. You know my father's fondness for young Steal- Girl; And how I promised to wed at sixteen. You know too that I am ward to Want- All, Who fatVier's wish keeps ever fresh to me. Steal-Girl is not much older than I am; But has an arm defective as you know — [n fact he's failed to do what we hoped for. While this is true, my word to father known To Uncle Want- All so of ten's been pledged And now 'tis given to this same sad Steal-Girl, What think you, Doctor, I ought now to do V

Speed: Before I answer you, my little True, I first must ask what marriage means to you? Is it uniting two hearts, making one? Now marriage does not to this earth belong, And preacher, judge probate or laws of time Are idle in marriage true as soldier J^ainted, on ''painted ship," on painted sea, So True, the question is are you mahried, Not 8haU you be married to-morrow morn. If married now, his glance, his love, the touch Of his hand sends your blood in pulses wild Thro' your entire being till you're made new In presence that you feel to be divine.

True: I never had such feelings.

Speed: Because you never loved.

True: Doctor, what shall I do?

Speed: Give up this man who loathes what you love. You love music. He hates it. You love church. He loathes it. You never can be married to him.

True: He is almost converted.

Speed: Almost will not prevail.

True: He comes to hear you preach and likes your sermons.

Speed: He does neither. He comes to woo wealth that your late father left you.

True: He enjoyed your sermon last Sunday.

Speed: He paid no attention to it, but flattered you because you like your pastor. You say he is almost converted. He is converting more whiskey from Wrong-All's joint into his system than ever. After that good sermon he enjoyed so much, he went to Wrong All's and the boys carried him home quite late. Retrace your steps to give up this vile wretch.

True: (Crying bitterly) : You are very unkind .

Speed: What you think kindness to him is cruelty to you. Do you know the secret to that withered arm?

True: He has told me.

Speed: Did he tell you he was stabbed by an Indian in the territory in a drunken spree?

True: No; suppose these things true. Doctor, is he so vile as to be beyond redemption? Are you not preaching the divinity of every son of Adam year after year? Again do you not teach that man's word is God in man? Have I not promised my late father, my uncle and Steal-Girl that I will marry this man! Shall I a Christian

be?

Speed: No, he is not past redemption. But your chance to redeem him will be slight, after he has your money to work out his own salvation. Yes, man's word is God in man. But your father's will reads concerning your marriage to this vile man, ''if possible," and it is not possible. Your father did not forsee what now is.

True: I think I will wait a year as you have often asked. (Exit Speed. )

SCENE 2. — True Patience's Parlor

( Sharp ring thrice repeated on phone brings True Patience from the sofa to answer. She listens.) True: Yes, I am at home. Come at once.

( Rings off. )

(Enters Steal-Girl. ) True: Good morning. Snarl. Glad you're

back.

Steal: I'm glad, too. How are you, True? (Kisses her.) I tell you, True, I got a big bunch of 'em this 'ere time. I got 'em in Oklahoma. Biggest bunch ever crossed the Mississippi, bound east. Cattle in good condition, too. Worth fifty thousand dollars. I guess the company back east will blink when they see 'em. I'm tired of buyln' for them fellers back east.

True: I'm glad you've done well. Do you know, Snarl, that I have not a friend that is not bitterly opposing my marriage to you?

Steal: Yes, and why? Because I'm tryin' an' tryin' to be somebody. They are down on me just for nothin. * I own I drink a little; and used to swear; but I am quitting my bad habits for you, True; because you are such an angel. No one else has ever helped me on to Christ, True, you will stay by me, won't you? If not, I'm gone. You can save me. Oh, True, don't leave me.

True: I will not; but I think we had better wait a year.

Steal: No, you have promised me next Wednesday at 10 o'clock; so we can take the 12:27 Katy train north to Parsons to see my uncle Bill. You say, too, your word is God in you. Will you break God? Now don't I keep my word better than I used to; and will you fail?

True: No; I will keep my word.

Steal: { Rises, kisses True. ) Well, I must go. Next Wednesday, mind (Exit. )

SCENE 3. — Steal-Girl's Office. (Enter Sore -Head

Steal: Hello, Sore-Head. Sit down. (Kicks a chair towards Sore-Head) What's the news?

Sore: News? Why the city is brimming over with news.

steal: Well, what is it?

Sore: Why the Occupation Tax; your big bunch of cattle; and your marriage to that Patience girl. Take a drink (hands Steal-Girl a flask.)

Steal: I don't believe I ought; for the game with True is not yet won. I want my wits. Then you belong to Speed-Good's church; ought you to put that stuff (looking at flask) in my way, when I am no church member? What will Speed-Good say?

Sore: J?e say. He don't know nothin'. He's the biggest fool I ever saw.

Steal; (Takes a drink.) Why I tho't he was a big educated feller.

Sore: So he is, but he hent got no judgment. He'll never turn me out of his church — he don't know enough.

Steal: What about that tax?

Sore: Why Know-Much and Mule -Man has reduced it seventy-five per cent, tho' Know-Much levied the first tax on his own certain knowledge.

Steal: (Taking his third drink) : Well, what about my marriage to the girl?

Sore: They only guess at that. But you'll tell me all about it, ivon^t you, Snarl?

Steal: Yes; you see her father wished .me. to wed her when she was sixteen. That time has come. But her friends kick on it — but most of all, Speed-Good. Say, he's a slink, and wants her himself, I believe.

Sore: You have a bad hand, but play well. Her friends have a good hand, but play bad. How are you handling your cards?

Steal: That's what T started to tell you, if you let me alone, after handing you that stuff you take for your live, and I take for general debility, ha! ha! ha! I'll tell yer. You see a woman's a queer critter. She's a mule if you try to drive her, but she can be coaxed. A woman is a great believer. They'll all go to heaven, I know. I've had experience and find one plan works on 'em all. I tell 'em I'm bad — led off when young by bad company, but their influence is wonderful for good. I tell 'em I do not like to hear Jiltlvy stories^ but like a good sermon. You see a woman's a very religious animal. Tell 'em they are good, but I am bad. At first swear in their company a little, apologize a good deal, and gradually get down to a Christian conduct. Tell 'em it's all the result of their Christian lives. I tell her that the preachers keep me out of heaven, but she will get me there. I call her my angel, my pure guard, my heaven my hope, my all.

Sore: Will these schemes always work?

Steal: They always have.

Sore: But after marriage, can you keep that up?

Steal: After marriage I shall not need to keep it up.

Sore: Remember in this state divorces are cheap; and who ever heard of a woman failing to get one if she tried?

Steal: Unthinkable, because of True's religion. My business is to catch the bird ; for she owns her own cage.

SCENE 4 — Oswego. Speed-Good's Home. Enter Steal-Girl

Steal: Good noon, Doctor Speed-Good.

Speed: How do you do, Mr. Steal-Girl?

Steal: Well; hope you're well.

Speed: Never better. Take this rocker ( pointing to it. )

Steal: ( Sitting and nervously turning broadrimmed Yankee hat in his hands; crosses and recrosses his limbs. ) Can you do a little piece of nice work for me to-morrow at 10 a. m., Doctor?

Speed: No; for I leave to-night for Kansas City, as I speak there to-morrow at 11 a. m.

Steal: Well, I 'm sorry, and True will feel bad, for she's wrapt up in you. I tell you, Speed- Good, there's money in it now; and more further on, for I shall support your church. Can't you telephone that convention and cancel your talk there? I shall like a decent sort of weddin,' and True she will not feel married without your presence.

Speed: Thank you much. I am sorry for True,

but cannot marry her to-morrow.

Steal: Youre a missin' it.

Speed: (aside): I wish True could miss you. I would rather bury her than marry her to this vile wretch.

Steal: Go to; the Judge Probate shall be reaper of this harvest, and he'll work much cheaper. (Exit.)

SCENE 5. — Oswego. True Patience' Parlor

Guests at Wedding. Probate Judge. Probate Judge: Will the gentlemen, Messrs. Sore-Head, Fair- Play and the rest, with the Misses Grace and Gertrude Grab- All, please take seats on right and left of groom and bride. (Probate Judge faces groom and bride and dictates position of all

parties. )

Probate Judge: All please rise. ( All rise. ) Bride and groom will please clasp right hands. ( Hands clasped as requested. Judge begins and says): Do you, Snarl Steal-Girl, take this woman. True Patience, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Steal: Yes, sir.

Probate Judge: Do you further agree to preserve her, to protect her, to prefer her to all others till death separates you?

Steal: Yes, sir. ^

Probate Judge: Do, you. True Patience, promise to do by this man what he has just promised to do by you?

True: I do.

Probate Judge: Then by power vested in me by the laws of the state of Kansas, as Probate Judge, before Almighty God and these witnesses assembled, I declare you man and wife till death comes to one or both of you. (Steal- Girl kisses his bride, and the Judge and others congratulate the "happy pair." Instrumental music, soft, sweet, befitting occasion. )

INTERLOPED.

OCCUPATION TAX HALL,

City Guardians.

His Angelic Majesty, Lord of All (in chair): Guardians, you know our purpose. Begin.

Mule-Man: I move a wall bull-strong, hogtight and horse-high be built around our fair city to embrace the occupation tax.

Knoiv-Mucli: Seconded. (Motion carries. )

Policy^Man: I move that strangers who attempt to climb over said wall, dig under it or peer thro' it be dealt with by law, (Seconded; carried. )

Mule-Man: I move sma^Z jointists be punished, but Mg jointists go free. (Seconded; carried. )

Policy-Man: Allow me to move that millionaires be taxed $10 a year, and all small holders $50 a year. (Seconded; carried.)

Mule Man: Please, your Angelic Majesty, I beg to move that them 'ere picture-frame men be placed in the pest house; that a small-pox flag float over them for thirty days; that they be fed on mouldy bread and unfiltered water during that time; then be publicly flogged and banished this 'ere city.

His 3'lajesty: No second to this is needed, because one of the villains bought the other out of the round house, and both have left for a near town. (Motion lost.)

His Angelic Majesty, Lord of All (hearing a crowd rushing upstairs, His Majesty, seated in regal state, rises and exclaims): Powers celestial! What's that?

Knom: Those a-fightin' us are a-comin.' (Crowd rushes in.)

His Anj. Maj. : Good cheer, citizens. You are welcome; take chairs. (Citizens hunt for seats, while the city guardians tremble.)

His Ang. Maj. (continuing): What can we do for you, good friends?

First Citizen: Cut down that 'ere tax.

Second Citizen'. No! No! No! Not cut doivn, but cut out.

His Ang. Maj.: Gentlemen, becalm yourselves and tell us your errand.

Third Citizen: My errand is to learn why you imposed an occupation tax on my science. You say it is no business; no nothing; it don't belong no place. Then why did you tax it? Do I compete with teacher, lawyer, preacher, doctor, merchant, anybody? You know I don't. Then do you tax my ability F

Knoiu-Much: We base taxes on our personal observation.

Mule-Man: You Jus' bet we do! (Long and hot discussion follows. Exeunt citizens.)

Smooth-Man (in going down stairs ) : Boys, I paid my occupation tax this year; but I won't do that again. Next year I'll be one of you.

Pull-Bach (as crowd goes up street): This 'ent no way ter do. Away back in sixty, before the war, we had no such doin's in Tennessee.

Canaday: Well, I'm taxed out of business. So the guardians may guard what their swiping sword has secured.

(Music, "Yankee Doodle.))