The wives of England, their relative duties, domestic influence, and social obligations

Front matter

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Payette en peticbal Z apne TEES Pe nae 7 Spe Tans RES ee art ee < See eee cdi adeccniin eee ee ee

Petenererarane i. Se hin aa ae by ow eee healer Ne ae a oa en ee ea ee ees gery imiw re”

Chap. I

Thoughts: before Marriage» 2. 0 ee PR Pg CHAP. IL,

The First Year of Married Life o afin 6 Sel, Sage ee CHAP. III.

- Characteristics of Men ee ee ML oy, CHAP. IV.

Behaviour to Husbands . .... Mia Hie 74 CHAP. v.

Confidence and Truth.) 4s . 99 CHAP, VI.

The Love of Married Life . one RE SS "| OG CHAP. VII.

~ rials of Marriedehife 3, 70 aS eo ag yor

8 CONTENTS.

CHAP. VIII.

Position in Society .

CHAP. IX.

CHAP. X.

CHAP. XI.

Treatment of Servants and Dependents

CHAP. XII

‘Social Influence .

i oe

. 175

. 194

, 216

. 238

Preface

T'HERE can be no more agreeable conviction to a writer, than that of having selected a subject in which the feelings of a large proportion of readers are naturally, and deeply interested. As one of the popular themes of the day, woman has engaged in her service many abler pens than mine; but instead of shrinking for this reason from the humble performance of my own labours of love, Iam the more encouraged to proceed; because, while the subject itself derives interest and importance from the variety of talent it calls forth, I am satisfied that so far as a work of this kind can be recommended to my country women by being written with the warm feelings of a friend, and a sister, no one can offer more legitimate claims than myself to the serious attention of the Wives of England.

On this ground alone, I can, without fear, | commit myself once more to the welcome which has never failed me in the fireside circles

12 PREFACE.

of my native land; but while acknowledging with a degree of grateful satisfaction, which it would be folly to disclaim, the favourable ~ notice awarded by the public to two of my previous works addressed to the Women and the Daughters of England, I must offer one word of apology for the number of instances in which these works have been alluded to in the present volume. With regard to both, but especially the latter, the Wives of England form but a continuation; and, in order to avoid the necessity of repeating what had been’ said before, I have simply referred the reader to passages or portions of those works. which occurred to me as bearing directly upon the subject in hand. Indeed the whole of the Daughters of England might with justice be regarded as an introduction to the Wives; just in the same proportion as the occupations and attainments of early life are preparations for a state of existence, in which we have less opportunity for learning, than necessity for acting upon what has already been attained. | As in the earlier of these two volumes, I have attempted to describe the elements of female character; in the present I have dwelt more exclusively upon the sphere of action in which those elements are combined and displayed. Such a disposition of the subject has

PREFACE. 11 rendered it necessary that in addressing myself to married women, I should enter into the homely details of practical duty with a minuteness which some readers might deem unnecessary; though I feel happy in the assurance that the hearts of many who are engaged in the most serious responsibilities of domestic life, will cheerfully go along with me while pursuing a subject; in which their own happiness, and, what is far more to them—the happiness of those they love best, is so deeply involved. Conscious as we all must be, that amongst the highest and holiest attributes of the female _character, are those of which the world at large takes little note, it would imply a strange and a culpable blindness in a writer like myself, not to be aware that there are hundreds and _ thousands of women occupying the happy, and sometimes the humble, homes of England, with _ whom I should be much more in my proper place, endeavouring to learn, than presuming to teach. Yet as such women would probably be the last to lay their experience or their knowledge before the public, it remains only for those who have derived encouragement from examples so bright and cheering, to endeavour to prove that it is no vain philosophy, _but a matter of practical attainment, to ennoble the most simple and familiar duties by

12 PREFACE.

great or generous motives; and to make the principles of the gospel the rule of every transaction in domestic and social life.

But for such noble instances, books might be written and read in vain. Yet happily for us, and our country, there remains a high standard of moral excellence’ still faithfully upheld by the women of England ; and it is for the encouragement of such as doubt the reality of this standard, or who are satisfied with an inferior degree of excellence, but more especially for those who have not yet been called into serious and important action, that I have ventured to lay before the public a few practical hints on the subject of female duty; and while we take these home for our private consideration, let us never forget, that in the person of our beloved QuEEN we have the character ofa wife and a mother so blended with that of a sovereign, that the present above all others ought to form an era in British history, where- - in woman shall have proved herself not unworthy of the importance attached to her influence. and her name.

Rose Hitt, Marca, 1843.

THE

WIVES OF ENGLAND.

CHAPTER L THOUGHTS BEFORE MARRIAGE.

In commencing a work addressed particularly to married women, it might appear a little out of place to devote a whole chapter to the subject of ‘thoughts before marriage,’ did not the writer suppose it probable, that if married women should deem the following pages worthy of their notice, those who are about to assume the responsibility of wives, might feel equally curious to ascertain the nature of their contents. In this chapter, then, I would venture to recommend a few inquiries to those who have not yet passed the Rubicon, and with whom, therefore, it may not be too late to retract, if they should find they have not correctly calculated the- consequences of the step they are about to take; or, what is still more probable, if they have not coolly and impartially estimated their own capability for rendering it one of prudence and safety both to themselves and others. On the other hand, the inquiries I

». would propose, are such as, where the mind and character a are fitly prepared for this important change, will tend to confirm the best resolutions; while they will assist in detecting every latent evil which might otherwise lie in wait, 2

1o rise up after the season of deliberation is past, like clouds in the horizon, which gradually spread. their gloom across the sky, and finally obscure the sunshine of every future day. rs The great object to be aimed at by all women about to enter upon the married state, is to examine calmly and dispassionately the requirements of this state; to put away all personal feeling; and to be not only walling, but determined, to look the subject fairly in the face, and to see its practical bearing upon the interest and the happiness of those with whom they may be associated.) |

Perhaps there never yet was a woman of warm feelings, or man either, who had not, in early life, some vision of conjugal felicity, which after experience and knowledge — of the world have failed to stamp with the impress of reality. Some, believing themselves capable of contributing their share to this measure of earthly happiness, and. disappointed in not finding an. equal companion, have wisely declined entering upon the married state altogether; while others, more confident of success, have made the experiment for themselves, believing, that though all ‘the world may have failed in realizing their dreams of bliss, they and theirs will be fortunate enough to exhibit to the wonder of mankind, an. instance of perfect connubial happiness.

It is needless to decide which of these two parties ide. serve the highest meed of commendation for their prudence and common sense. But it is equally needless to belong to either class of individuals. & What! exclaims the young enthusiast, “shall we not even hope to be happy 2”? . Yes. Let us hope as long as we can; but let it be in subservience to reason and to truth. Let us hope only to be happy ourselves, so long as wé make others happy too ;_ and let us expect no measure of felicity beyond what this world has afforded to those who were wiser and better than we are.

“© But why then,” exclaims the same enthusiast, “ all the fine talk we hear about marriage? and why, in all the stories we read, is marriage made the end of woman’s existence ?”? Ah! there lies the evil. Marriage, like death, is too often looked upon as the end ; whereas both are but the beginning of states of existence infinitely more important than that by which they were preceded, yet each taking from that their tone and character, and each proportioned in their enjoyment to the previous preparation which has been made for their happiness or misery.

The education of young ladies is too frequently such as to lead them naturally to suppose, that all the training, and all the discipline they undergo, has reference only to this end. The first evidence that marriage is thus regarded by many young women, is seen in a petulant rebellion against the restraints of home, and the requirements of parental authority, accompanied by a threat, not always distinctly uttered, that the first opportunity of escaping from domestic thraldom shall not be neglected. This species of rebellion against rightful authority, is much cherished by schoolcompanions and sisters; while the gossip of servants, to whom the indignant sufferers sometimes appeal, and the general tenor of what is called light reading, tend to keep up the same kind of spirited determination to rush upon the uncertainties of marriage, in the hope of escaping from the certainties of home. A polite and flattering lover next presents himself. The persecuted or neglected damsel finds at last that her merits are appreciated, and while the gates of an imaginary Eden are still open, she enters

ao

16 ei THE WIVES OF ENGLAND.

eagerly amongst its fruits and flowers, never soning to inquire if

** The trail of the serpent is over them still.” nea aa

Such is the natural history of one-half at least of those early marriages, which fix the doom of women for this world, and sometimes for the next. What wonder, then, that a sincere and earnest friend, and an affectionate well- ' wisher of her sex, should deem it necessary, even on the near approach of that day which is generally spoken of as making two human beings happy, to request the weaker, and consequently the more easily deluded ok Oe abe and think again.

Although I am one of the last persons who cont wish to free anie in any plausible form, to an upright and honourable mind, the bare idea of the possibility of breaking an engagement ; yet as there are cases in which an engagement of “marriage, if literally kept, must Hecessarity be viit is, in. this bane; especially desirable to choose the Sete: and to prefer inflicting a temporary pain, and enduring an inevitable disgrace, to being the means of destroying the happiness of a lifetime, wit the self-imposed accompaniment of endless remorse.

In the first place, then, I would sake are you about to bring to the altar, and to offer, in the sight of God, a faithful and devoted heart? To answer with a mere expression of belief, is not sufficient here. There must be certainty on this point, if not‘on any other. There are many tests by which this important fact may be ascertained, and of these I shall particularize a few. The first is, whom are you loving ?—the man who stands before you with all his ‘imperfections on his head”—his faults of temper, follies, a a ‘ s Fie), ee ee 5 ‘ mee inconsistencies, and past misdeeds? Is this the man you love? or is it some ideal and perfect being whom you will fail to recognize in the husband of your after life? If the latter case be yours, go back, and wait, for your acquaintance has yet to be formed on the only sure basis—that of honesty and truth;/and you might as safely unite yourself with a being you had never seen before, as with one whom you had seen without having known or understood. The discovery that you have mistaken the real character of your lover, need not, however, be any barrier to the ultimate fulfilment of your engagement with him. All that you have to do, is to wait until you have studied his real character, and ascertained that you can still Jove him, though you no longer believe him to be without a fault. During the progress of this study, the delay it will necessarily occasion, may be made to answer two valuable ends ; for at the same time that you have been deceived, it is more “than probable that you have been deceiving. Not intentionally, perhaps, yet the effect may be as calamitous as if you had designedly practised upon the partial credulity of your lover. It is of the utmost importance, then, that you inquire into the nature of your own conduct, not only towards him, but towards others in his presence. Have you, during the season of courtship, been acting a part which you never before sustained, or which you do not intend to sustain as a wife? Have you been more amiable to your admirer, than you expect to be to your husband? If you have, there are two ways of remedying this evil, for an evil it certainly is; and one of these you are bound in common honesty to adopt—you must either defer your marriage until your real character has been brought to light, and clearly understood ; or, you must determine, from this time forward, by the Divine blessing on your endeavours, that

19%, a THE WIVES OF ENGLAND. — , you will be in reality the amiable being you have .

peared.

there is doubt, there must be danger; but still there are tests to be apphed, which may in some measure reduce those doubts to certainty. The most important question, in a case of doubt, is, whether your heart: lingers after any other object ;/and this may be best iscdrtaipel by asking yourself still further, whether there is any other man in the world, of whom it would give you pain to hear that he was likely to be married.) If there is not, you are in all probability safe in this respect, and yet you may not love the man you are about to marry as he hopes, deserves, and believes himself to be loved. I would ask, then, are you weary of his presence, and relieved when he goes away ? or are you disposed to exercise less charity and forbearance towards his faults, than towards the faults of others ? for if his failings annoy and irritate you more than those of men in general, depend upon it, you do not love him as you ought. If, too, you feel ashamed of him before marriage, there is little probability that you will afterwards evince

And now, having learned to see your lover as Te is, zi would ask again, whether you are quite sure that your af-— -fections are entirely and irrevocably his. If on this point towards him that respect and reverence which is right and — seemly in a wife.

In order to ascertain these points clearly, it is good for every woman before she marries, to see the man of her choice in the company of her friends, and especially to see him associated and compared with those whose opinion she esteems most highly. We are all more or less influenced by the secret sympathies of our common nature. In nothing can we think or feel alone ; and few cases show more plainly the weakness and’ liability to delusion under which :

| ieee Cost Bhr as GKamenae i real oe * ay tpg - we labour, than the str ong confidence we scm erinies enter= tain in the correctness of our own judgment, until some new trial is made; and then immediately, as if by a kind of instinct, placing ourselves in the situation of others, we see as it were with their eyes, think with their thoughts, and arrive at their conclusions. This tendency of our nature is often discovered in the reading of books, which we have both enjoyed and admired alone; but no sooner do we read them in company with a critical friend, than we see at once their defects, and can even use against them the same powers of criticism ourselves. Happy is it for those whose judgment, thus influenced, is confined in its exercise to books !—happy for them if they never know what it is to find the talents and the recommendations of a lover disappear in a moment, on the approach of an interesting and influential friend, and disappear in such a way as never to be recalled again!

Yet, having stood this test, it is still possible to doubt, and, without sufficient love, your engagement may still be only just dragged on, because you have no sufficient plea for breaking it off. You may perhaps esteem your lover highly; you may feel grateful for his kindness, and flattered by his admiration ; you may also feel a strong desire; to make him the happy man he believes he can be with you, and you alone—you may feel all this, and yet, I repeat, you may not love him as a woman ought to love her husband.) This will be more clearly proved by an increase of sadness on your part, as the time of your marriage draws near, an indefinite apprehension that with you the pleasures of life are at an end, and a determination, requiring often to

__ be renewed, that at least. you will do your duty to one who deserves every thing from you.

Let me, however, ask what that duty is? It is not

B.

THE WIVES OF onal merely to serve him; a hired menial could do that. The

ity of a wife is what no woman ever yet was able to render without affection; and it is therefore the height of presumption to think that you can coldly fulfila duty, the very spirit of which is that of love itself.

It is possible, however, that you may still be rigid, It is possible that the gradual opening of your eyes from the visions of girlish romance, which are apt to flit before the imaginative and inexperienced, may have ¢ given you a distaste both for your companion, and your future lot. . If this be the case, the difficulty will be easily overcome by the exercise of a little good feeling and common sense. But in order to prove that this is really all, put this question to yourself—if you were quite sure there was some other woman as amiable, or more so, than you, with whom your friend could be equally happy, would you feel pleasure in his cultivating her acquaintance instead of yours ?

If you can answer this question in the negative, you may yet be safe; if not, the case is too decided to admit of a moment’s hesitation. Your own integrity, and a sense of justice towards your friend, equally dictate the propriety of making him acquainted with the painful, the humiliating fact, that you do not love him; and no man, after being convinced of this, could desire the fulfilment of a mere nominal engagement. |

I am aware that the opinion of the world and the general voice of society are against such conduct, even where love is wanting; and I am equally aware, that no woman ought to venture upon. breaking an engagement on such grounds, without feeling herself humbled to the very dust; but I am not the in convinced, that it is the only safe, ithe only just line of conduct which remains to her who finds. herself thus circumstanced, and that it is in

Br. tree hola le i fi a ta aaa RE Oe he BSR ae a reality more generous to her lover, than if she kept “ the word of promise to his ear, and broke it to his hope.”

But there may be other causes besides this, why an engagement should not be fulfilled. There may be a want of love on “the part of your friend, or there may be instances of unfaithfulness too glaring to be overlooked ;

jand here let it be observed, that woman’s love may grow after marriage—man’s never. If, therefore, he is indifferent or unfaithful as a lover, what must be expected of him as a husband ?

It is one of the greatest misfortunes to which women are liable, that they cannot, consistently with female delicacy, cultivate, before an engagement is made, an acquaintance sufficiently intimate to lead to the discovery of certain facts which would at once decide the point, whether it was prudent to proceed further towards taking that step, which is universally acknowledged to be the most important in a woman’s life.

One of these facts, which can only be ascertained on a close acquaintance, is the tendency there is in some individuals to overawe, aud keep others at a distance. Now, if on the near approach of marriage, a woman finds this tendency in the companion she has chosen, if she cannot open to him her whole heart, or if he does not open his heart to her, but maintains a distant kind of authoritative manner, which shuts her out from sympathy and. equality with himself, it is time for her to pause, and think seriously before she binds herself for life to that worst of all slavery, the fear of a husband. I have no scruple in using this expression, because where the connection is so intimate, and the sphere of action necessarily so confined, if fear usurps the place of confidence and love, it must naturally engender a servile disposition to deceive, either by false-

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22 as THE WIVES OF eNGLAND. — hood or evasion, wherever blame would attach to a full disclosure of the truth. |

Ihave already said that it is a prudent plan for the woman who intends to marry, to try the merits ofther lover, or rather her own estimate of them, by allowing him an opportunity of associating with her friends. Such precautionary measures, however, are not easily carried out, except at some sacrifice of delicate and generous feeling ;

and, generally speaking, the less a woman allows her name to be associated with that of her husband before marriage, the better. It is sometimes argued that ; an engacement entered into with right feelings, is of so binding and sacred a nature, that persons thus related to each other, may be seen together, both in public and private, almost as if they were really married; and to such it may appear a cold kind of caution to say “ beware!” Yet such is the uncertain nature of all human affairs, that we need not look far for instances of the most improbable changes taking place, after all possibility of change had beed banished from our thoughts. Within a*month, a week, nay even a day of marriage, there have been discoveries made which have fully justified an entire disunion of the parties thus associated; and then how much better has it keen, where their names had not been previously united, and where their appearance together had not impressed the idea of indissoluble connection on the minds of others. One of the most justifiable, and at the same time one of the most melancholy causes for such disunion, is the discovery of symptoms of insanity. Even a highly excited and disordered state of the nervous system, will operate with a prudent woman against an alliance of thisnature. Yethere — again, it is particularly unfortunate, that in cases of nervous derangement, the discovery is seldom fully made ex- ‘

7 Sh iia a AR R . Oe Sh ae ‘ tains oe ae Be, ad cept in the progress of that close intimacy which amet ately precedes marriage, and which consequently assumes the character of an indissoluble engagement. Symptoms of this nature, however, when exhibited in the conduct of a man, are of a most serious and alarming character. A woman labouring under such maladies, in their milder form, may be so influenced by authority as to be kept from doing any very extensive harm; but when a man, with the reins of government in his hand, loses the power to guide them, when his mind becomes the victim of morbid feeling, and his energies sink under imaginary burdens, there is no calculating the extent of calamity which may result to the woman who would be rash enough to link her destiny with his.

“Another justifiable reason for setting aside an engagement of marriage, or protracting the fulfilment of it, is a failure of health, especially when eitaer this, or the kind of malady already noticed, induces an incapacity for business, and for the duties which generally devolve upon the master of a household. It is true, that in cases where the individual thus afflicted does not himself see the propriety of withdrawing from the engagement, the hard, and apparently selfish part a woman has to act on these occasions is such as, in addition to her own sufferings, will probably bring upon her the blame of many who do not, and who cannot, understand the case; and the more delicate her feelings are toward the friend she is thus compelled to treat with apparent harshness, the less likely she will be to

‘exculpate herself by an exposure to the world of his inconsistency, or his weakness. Thus, as in many of the acts of woman’s life, she has to be the sufferer every way ; but still that suffering is less to every one concerned, than if | she plunged herself into all the lamentable consequences of» THE WIVES OF ENGLAND. — of a union with a man who wanted either the mental or the physical capacity to keep her and hers from poverty and distress. In the former case, she will have the dictates of prudence and of conscience inher favour. In both, the world will be lavish of its blame; but.in the latter only, could her portion be that of self-condemnation, added to irremediable misery.

After all these considerations have been duly weighed, and every test of truth and -constancy applied to your affection for the object of your choice, there may yet remain considerations of infinite moment as they relate to your own fitness for entering upon the married state. —

In the first place, what is it you are expecting ?—to be always flattered ? Depend upon it, if your faults were never brought to light before, they will be so now. Are you expecting to be always indulged? Depend upon it, if your temper was never tried before, it will be so now. Are you expecting to be always admired? Depend upon it, if you were never humble and insignificant before, 7 you will have to be so now. Yes, you had better make up your mind at once to be uninteresting as long as you live, to all except the companion of your home; and well will it be for you, if you can always. be interesting to him. You had better settle it in your calculations, that you will have to be crossed oftener than the day; and the part of wisdom will dictate, that if you persist in your determination to be married, you shall not only be satisfied, but.

cheerful to have these things so.

One important truth sillintenils impressed upon your mind will materially assist in this desirable consummation— it is the superiority of your husband simply as a man. It is quite possible you may have more talent, with hi rher attainments, and you may also have been’ generally more os et ee - admired; but this has nothing whatever to do with your position as a woman, which is, and must be, inferior to his as aman. For want of a satisfactory settlement of this point before marriage, how many disputes and misunderstandings have ensued, filling, as with the elements of discord and strife, that world of existence which ought to be a smiling Eden of perpetual flowers—not of flowers which never fade; but of flowers which, if they must die, neither droop nor wither from the canker in their own bosoms, or the worm which lies at their own roots.

It is a favourite argument with untried youth, that all things will come right in the end, where there is a sufticiency of love; but is it ‘enough for the subjection of a woman’s will, that she should love her husband? Alas! observation and experience alike convince us, that love has been well represented as a wayward boy ; and the alternate exhibitions of, contradiction and fondness which are dictated by affection alone, though interesting enough before the nuptial knot is tied, are certainly not those features in the aspect of his domestic affairs, whose combination a prudent man would most desire.