The Secret Trials of the Christian Life

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Contents

PAGE

I. Thb Pebsokal Ltpe . . . . .1

II. Kehembbance op Past Sin ... 10

I. The Personal Life

, Peov. XIV. 10, " The heart knotoeth his own bUtemess"

r\F the Christian life very much is hidden from the eyes of men, and known to none but the soul and God. The reality of our religion can indeed be tested, in some measure, by its visible fruits. The good works of some are manifest even before the day of Divine reward and of final separation. Though we cannot be certain about the sincerity of a man's words, or the expression of a man's face, yet after watching these for many years we can feel almost sure that such a one is utterly purposed that his mouth should not offend, almost sure that such a one is, as his countenance declares, bent upon serious things, given to soberness and prayer and courtesy. Though we cannot accurately describe the inner self

B by tracing the outward acts which are done before our eyes, yet we are persuaded by our Lord's own warning that ^^a corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit/'^ and that the spirit of charity towards God and man does show itself in charitable deeds. Still, on the whole, you need no teacher to make you acknowledge that we are living in great part, every one of us, away from human observation. It is not only the hypocrite who is half concealed. The hypocrite tries not to be found out, not to be seen in hi» true colours. The Christian walks in quiet places, not sounding a trumpet before him, because he loves to be unnoticed. The hypocrite covers his features with a mask because he is acting. The Christian, though never ashamed of God's light, feels that life is too real and solemn to be paraded on the stage of this world, and retires into himself rather than make a show of holiness. The hypocrite fasts, prays, gives alms in order to be seen of men, though within he is full of iniquity. The Christian's heart is so set upon God which seeth in secret, that he is content to be misunderstood and misrepresented by those who look only upon the outward appearance. And so day by day while he is drawing nearer to God, he learns what it is to have a hidden life, what it is to be lonely, though never alone, " sorrowful, yet always rejoicing,"^ separate from very friends, while ever united to the Lord. He is taught, often

THE PERSONAL LIFE. O

by a bitter discipline and experience, to sympathise with the cares and griefs of others, and by a gradual victory over self, to rejoice with them that do rejoice. But all the while, in his own personal joys and sorrows, he knows that he must range apart, without one single soul to share his distress, or even to witness his agony, and perhaps with none who can enter even a little into the depths of that unutterable gladness, whereof all the fresh springs are in the glorious God, and* wherein, like one that talketh with his friend, God answereth him again and again. But because of this very isolation, he is enabled and constrained to cast all his cares upon that loving One Who careth for him, to commune with Him dav and night amid all perplexities, dangers, temptations, disappointments, revilings, afflictions ; to seek to be approved of Him, whatever be the censure or the flattery of men; to go on walking by faith and not by sight, seeing with closed eyes, and hearing when there seems no voice to speak with him. And so, little by little, instead of the darkness which others fancy his lot must be, even through the darkness which he himself feels to be around him, there moves mysteriously forward " the shining light which shineth more and more unto the perfect day.^^i

This, my brethren, is the spiritual life at its best; but you, even you who are in earnest, even we who wish to '' grow in grace and in the knowledge of our

* Prov. iv. 18.

LoBD and Saviour/'^ you and I have so many hindrances, so little perseverance^ such dulness of faith^ we run so uncertainly, we walk so carelessly, our thoughts and affections are so easily drawn off to the delusive dreams and false consolations of the world, that we need every help we can have to continue in our state of salvation, and to take courage about the service of Jesus Christ.

Some such aid I propose to offer you, though in a way which may appear stranfi^e to some, by speakins^ at Le length, and, if Gon pennits, i^ Lral dis courses, on those secret trials of the Christian life, which we have just glanced at now. For although, according to the Scriptures, we cannot fathom one another's hearts, or probe each other^s bitterness, it does seem right for one who as a priest should minister to souls, to try ^^ to comfort them which are in any trouble,^'^ and, for their own great good, to point out to them, or to remind them of, their spiritual diseases or tribulations, and to suggest the remedy. It may be that among those whose eyes fall on these brief words, there may be some too long forgetful of their high calling and of Him Who made them for Himself, who yet shall learn, however curious it may sound, what an excellent way our holy religion is, through hearing what its difficulties are, and how they may be overcome and changed into everlasting blessings. Even such, as they listen, may compare the sorrows of the Church which we must honestly own, with the plea« sures of the world, which they have proved these many years, and seeing that Christ^s yoke, though a ^^ yoke, is easy,^^^ may have grace to choose His light affliction rather than those things which "perish with the using,'^^ jm^j |q reach forth to that exceeding weight of glory which is the one sure refuge, even in its hope and foretaste, from the storms and miseries, the restlessness and fears of sin.

And how, my friends, can we better begin our meditations than with those plaintive words wherein the Psalmist speaks of struggles and anxieties, of evil felt within, and darkness increasing without, and yet of personal confidence in God, of patient waiting upon Him, of unshaken belief in His willingness to pardon, of the thought of Him as rising above all other thoughts, and abiding, with a power unquenchable, amid the engulfing overwhelming waves of the awful sea? '^Out of the deep have I called unto Thee, O Lord : Lord, hear my voice. O let Thine ears consider well the voice of my complaint. If Thou, Lord, wilt be extreme to mark what is done amiss, O Lord, who may abide it? For there is mercy with Thee, therefore shalt Thou be feared. I look for the Lord, my soul doth wait for Him : in His Word is my trust. My soul fleeth unto the

' S. Matth. xi. 80. * Col. ii. 22.

O THE PERSONAL LIFE*

LoRD^ before the morning watch, I say, before the morning watch. O Israel, trust in the Lord, for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is plenteous redemption. And He shall redeem Israel from all his sins/^^

May He so redeem, and hear, and comfort us; and may He teach us, that all His paths are mercy and truth, however dark and winding some of them may be, how many soever be the foes we meet thereon ! Brethren and sisters in Christ, let that holy psalm, with all its pathetic expressions, remind you, as it were on the very threshold, of your own separate being, your own individual responsibility before God, your own personal need of that '^holiness without which no man shall see the LoRD,''2 and that faith without which " it is impossible to please Him."^ However sinful, however numerous in their ill doing those around you may be, a multitude, remember, will not defend you against that wrath of God which shall be ^^upon every soul of man that doeth evil/'* and though you might have ever so many saints close by you, yea, even though Noah, Daniel, and Job should be with you, they could but deliver their own souls; no man could deliver you, or make agreement unto God for you.*

1. Therefore, first, members though we be of the

^ Ps. cxxz. ^ Heb. xii. 14. ' Heb. zi. 6.

< Bom. ii. 9. * Ezek. xiy. 14.

holy Church of Christ, belonging to His very Body, that membership itself lays upon us a great obligation. From each one of us an answer is demanded for the questions, " Believest thou this ? Where art thou? Whither wilt thou go?*' It is terrible to see how men will do anything rather than face those inquiries ; how they will try to lose themselves in a crowd where their loneliness comes upon them worse than ever, or to drown thought and conscience in wine or strong drink, though ^' at the last it biteth like a serpent,*'^ or to fill their minds with " philosophy and vain deceit,'*^ which cannot take away the sense of sin, or to forsake the assembling of themselves together as if they could entirely forget that the day is approaching which shall prove ^' every man's work of what sort it is.''^ Beware, I pray you, lest ye also, being led away by the error of the wicked, fall not only from your own steadfastness here,* but also from the place which your Father meant for you in the home of ^' many mansions/*

2. And next, may we all recollect, not only in study and in worship, but in the common business of the world, that the life, and not merely the lips, must give the practical reply to Him Who knoweth the hearts of all men. The life unseen by all but Him, unseen in our daily wrestlings with temptation except by Him Who strengthens us, unseen in

1 Ttoy. xxiii. 82. 3 Col. ii. 8.

the siftings of tribulation save by Him Whq is the unfailing Comforter^ unseen in the slow onwiard progress which He alone discerns and accepts as real^ unseen in the conflicts of faith^ the waverings of purity, the difficulties of prayer, the ebb and flow of self-denial and of self-control, yet marked by Him Who notes all these things in His book, the unseen life with all its little trials and all its great battles, this is the proof of our sincerity. Upon this God is looking even now, to see if He can trace, even in our imperfect souls, some likeness to Himself.

3. But again, think of the encouragement which even the most humble Christian gathers on his lonely forward march; our struggles, our prayers, our sacrifices, our advance over the stumblingblocks, our devotion to Christ crucified, our death while it is yet high day, all this is never, never thrown away. "For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth unto himself. For whether we live we live unto the Lord, or whether we die we die unto the Lord ; whether we live therefore or die, we are the LoRD^s. For to this end Christ both died and rose and revived, that He might be Lord both of the dead and living."^

4. And so, once more, we are with Him and He

with us, whatever be the trials. Nay, are not these

''the marks of the Lord Jesus,"^ faint tokens,

though becoming plainer constantly, of a fellowship

* Bom. xiT. 7—9. a Gal. vi. 17.

with His suflferings, of our following in His footsteps^ of an increasing measure of His all-sufficient grace^ of the part which He is promising us in His own blessed resurrection ? And surely that should nerve us to endure hardness^ and to grow in patience^ and to hold fast our hope. Yet a little while^ and the whole multitude of the sorrows which we have in our heart will be for ever passed away, and no man will intermeddle with our joy, for we shall be Hving the deathless perfect life of Him in Whose " presence is the fulness of joy.'.^^ He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the Churches : '^ Fear

none of those' things which thou shalt suffer

Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life."^

II. Remembrance Of Past Sin

Psalm u. 3.

" My Hn is ever before me.

T7IRST and foremost among the secret trials of the Christian life^ as such, must be reckoned that personal anxiety about the soul which consists in the bitter recollection of past sins^ and the dread which it engenders. I say the Christian life^ as such ; for of course, to the ^' children of this world/' whose conscience sleeps, the chief troubles are very different; they have no disquietude as to their relationship to God, or their many offences against Him, or their eternal separation from Him hereafter; but when friends or kindred are taken from them, they are not only, as all of us are, *^ weighed upon with heaviness,^' but '* utterly consumed with sharp distress :" —

" And make perpetual moan.

Still from one sorrow to another thrown/'^

And moreover, even the Christian, as a human

* The LotoS'eaters,

REMEMBRANCE OF PAST SIN. ll

being compassed with infirmity, is greatly moved by these afflictions; only, they are not his prime care, not that which concerns him most, not that on which everlasting issues are depending — all this is wrapped up in the remembrance of sin and the question of forgiveness.

And again, we place these first and foremost among the Christian's secret trials, because they commonly precede all other, for him who not only learns what it is to have been made, sacramentally^ a Christian, but considers also, as before God, what he must think of and do in order to become one practically, in life and hope. For as, on the one hand, we cannot feel our absolute need of a Saviour Who is God, until we have learnt, with the gradually convinced Unitarian, the imperfection of our best and least unworthy deeds,^ so, on the other hand,

* The story is told in Flain Words (3rd series, p. 31) by the Bev. W. Walsham How, who knew the person in question. This man, who was very able, but was not religious, doubted about the sinfulness of man, of which he had heard so constantly in sermons. One day he took two sheets of paper, one gilt-edged and the other black-edged, and determined to write down on the one all the good things he did, and on the other aU the bad things. After a time he took out the two sheets one night to examine them, and found the black-edged sheet nearly full, while there were but few entries on the gilt-edged. These last he then set to work to examine carefully, and, as he considered them one by one, he found something sinful and wrong in all but three, and was obliged to put them oyer on to the black-edged sheet. Then there remained three things on the gilt-edged paper. But as he thought over these more and more,

12 BEMEMBSANCE OF PAST SIN.

there can be no humble, faithful, acceptable progress on the narrow way, while our former sins re* main unrepented of with that true penitence, which is the gate of humility, the pledge of faith, the beginning of that acceptance with God which ends in our walking with Him '' in white'^ in the kingdom never to be destroyed.

And, once more, you must count this one of the secret trials whereby we rise nearer to God, because, though you can tell it to others, and obtain from the ministers of Chbist special consolation for it, yet the pain of the sorrow can be shared by no one, not even by your Saviour, since He had no sense of personal guilt, only of the burden of punished sin. Your own heart must be hot within you, and, while you are thus musing on the shameful past, the fire will kindle, and then you will speak with your tongue, confessing the evil and desiring the pardon.

he found that, though there was not in them positive sin, yet they were so faulty and imperfect that they could not he counted as good, and at last he struck out these three altogether. So then the hlack-edged sheet was perfectly full, but the gilt-edged sheet had on it — ^nothing. ** And what did you do then ?'* asked a friend, to whom he related all this. His answer is worth remembering : it was this. " What could I do, but go down on my kneeSj ^d thank God for Redemption ?" The author of Plain Words does not mention the &ct of this person haying been a Unitarian. This fact was conveyed to the writer by one high in office, formerly the clergyman of the parish in which this Unitarian resided, was baptized, and became a communicant.

BEMBMBRANCE OF PAST SIN. 13

The path, since it is not yet the " Via Crucis,'* nor the ''Via Lucis/' the way wherein we are ''partakers of Christ's suflferings/'^ nor the way on which we move forward to the revelation of His glory, must be trodden by ns alone. It is like the valley of the shadow of death in its desolation ; only, unlike that valley, it does not show me at the outset the Lord my Shepherd, walking with me to comfort me; when the comfort comes, I am out of that dreadful place, and " the darkness is past/'^

And now, Brethren, ask yourselves, first, whether you have ever had such experience as this : and next, whether you ought not to expect it. Think what the Holy Scripture saith of the "everlasting destruction" which shall fall on " all them that know not God, and that obey not the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ :"^ and then think of what sort your life has been. What is the record of many pages of your own past history : how little knowledge of God, how scanty a measure of obedience to His Son, how much ignorance of His Word, of His warnings, of His ways, how much wilful disregard of His plainest commands,* what constant contempt of His declared will, how much forgetfulness of His pure, loving, self-sacrificing example, what long continuance in evil habits, perhaps in deadly sin I Surely it is, for

* Ex. gr. : — " Do thifl in remembrance of Me." " Love one another." " Forgive." " Watch and pray."

14 REMEMBRANCE OF PAST SIN.

most of lis, a terrible account ; and the most terrible feature of it is^ that only a part of it is borne in our conscience, while the whole of it is written in God's Book. Every oath, every theft, every fajsehood, every impurity, every hour of drunkenness, every act of covetousness or vanity or passion, ^' every idle word,''^ yea ! there is not a thought in my heart, but Thou, O God, understandest it afar off — ^^not a word in my tongue but Thou knowest it altogether /'^ The recollection is appalling and awakening — enough to make the boldest and giddiest of us tremble. Or dwell upon some special sins which are more deeply rooted in your memory. These alone, whatever may be attempted in self-excuse, are fraught with damnation ; for they were clearly the work of the devil, and you did them as his servant ; for " whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.''^ Or take even one of these, and depend upon it, apart from Christ, that one is enough to darken and condemn your soul. David was a man after God's own heart : yet one black deed — such a deed as is done in many of our towns and villages every night — rightly sufficed to make him miserable. We may not, by God's mercy, have fallen in that particular way : but what is our life, compared with the general holiness of David? What but a succession of falls — a journey with evil at every stage — a way of sin? Is there nothing

^ S. Matth. xii. 36. > Fs. cxxxix. 2, 4.

> S. John yiii. 84.

BEMEMBRANCE OF PAST SIN. 15

alarming in this? Jesus has died^ you say^ and '^ there is now no condemnation/' T^pie, but for whom ? '^ For them that are in Christ Jesu^^ who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit/'^ And thus, so far firom sin being less dangerous in these latter days, it is infinitely more so, for it is against the very Life and Death of Christ, since He died that we might '^ mortify" our ^^ members upon the earth,"2 whereas we are indulging them : and He lives that we may in Him ^^walk in newness of life,"^ and, instead, we are too often like those who are " dead in trespasses and sins/'*

The soul listens, in spite of itself, to these reproofs of God; and then, though there is still the light manner, the proud look, on the outward man, there is real unhappiness within. You know it, some of you, though you would not own it to me. Well, confession is to God, whether made to Him alone, or in the presence also of one of His ministering servants — and instead of being forced upon any, it is rather the anguish-cry of a sorrow-stricken heart, seeking the relief which it cannot possibly bestow upon itself, and the lack of which is driving it to despair. Whatever may be said about the danger of interposing anything between the penitent and the Mediator — a danger which they are not likely to incur who attribute the whole power and authority

^ Bom. yiii. 1. ' Col. iii. 5.

16 REMEMBRANCE OF PAST SIN.

of the sacred office to the Mediator Himself — persons have^ 89 a fact, been saved from self-destruction by b^ng enabled to express in confession the agonizing grief of never-to-be-forgotten sins, and to be absolved therefrom by the Lord of mercy, speaking by His priests as channels of His grace ; and God forbid, that we should deprive any, who cannot quiet his own conscience, of this most comfortable help. But though I dare not keep silence on this^ or neglect to point it out as a heavenly remedy for spiritual disease, we are speaking rather now of the secret affliction itself, and of the way in which it makes us commune with our own heart, feeling bitterly the plague thereof.

^' My sin is ever before me" — this is the simple utterance of one that is heavy-laden ; let us try to analyze it. I go on with my daily duties, mix with men and women, read, work, sing, look upon the common objects of the world around, seem much the same as my neighbours and my fellow-servants, share, to all intents and purposes, their interests and cares, and perhaps even their pleasures and amusements; but nevertheless one other thing is always present to my mind. Like that dreadful scourge of the body which makes itself felt at meals, in conversation, in exercise, in hours of rest or of labour, without cessation from pain, so (says the mental sufferer) do I bear about a cancer in my soul — the wearying sense of sin, which severs between us men

REMEMBRANCE OF PAST SIN. J.7

and God. Yes ! and this is not merely the acknowledgment of our general human sinfulness, but of personal transgression. It is my sin which is ever before me, my sin whereby I polluted my body, or dealt unjustly with others, or became an offence to the little ones of Christ, or selfishly indulged my appetites, or allowed myself in bitter revenge and envious hatred, or screened myself from blame by lying, or gave way to profane jesting or filthy talking, or loved my money more than I loved my God, this haunts and clings to me now. Ay ! and it is ever before me; when I wake up, and when the holy, awaking near me, is present with God, this is present with me : when I go forth to my work, this keeps me from labouring with my might: when others are around me in society, this makes me gloomy and dull : when I take my rest, this will not suffer me to sleep, or mars at least my better peace, so that I am " like the troubled sea,^^^ stirred and shaken below, even when the waves thereof are still and the surface motionless.

'^My sin is ever before me.^^ How truly those words tell of the distress, the burden, the feeling pf unworthiness, the separation from the Lord, the real humility of penitence, the care about the soul as first, as that which the sinner dare not lose, though he should gain the whole world, as that which must stand hereafter by itself before the Judge, to receive

^ Isaiah Itu. 20.

C

18 BEMEMBBANCE OF FAST SIN.

according as its work shall be I O royal Psalmist, casting down thine own crown before the Throne, may our self-abasement be like thine, our sorrow even as thine, of a godly sort ! It may seem curious to some among you, who have never learnt heartily to grieve for sin, that such a trial as this, even so imperfectly described, must evidently be, should be supposed likely to prove a blessing. Yet so indeed it is — nay, it is hardly too much to say, that very, very few, who arrive at maturity, have kept their baptismal innocence so watchfully as to need no purging fire of sorrowful repentance. Most of us must come out of great tribulation, ere we can wash our robes and make them " white in the Blood of the Lamb.'^^ '^ Thou knowest, Lobd, the secrets of our hearts — show us the evil that is in them, and make us to feel it more deeply than anything whatsoever in the world.^' Will you oflfer up that prayer with me, my friends, and then consider why this path of distress is really good for us to walk in ?

1. Lonesome and dark though it be, it is better, infinitely better, than the broad way of gay thoughtlessness and hollow pleasure. Bitter pain in the remembrance of his sinful life must have wrought in the soul of the prodigal son, ere he could form that blessed resolution to arise and go unto his father : yet it was the first sign of coming to himself, the beginning of the journey homewards. The agony with

* Eey. yii. 14.

BEMEMBRANCE OF FAST SIN. 19

whicli the drowning man returns to consciousness is said to be most terrible, while the sensation of the very act of drowning is itself wonderfully pleasant : yet what of that, if the one, however pleasant, is the precursor of death, and the other, though so terrible, the restoration to life ? And can you hesitate, if it is your soul which is to be saved or lost ? Satan beguiles us with the false sweetness of sin, lulls us into a false security amid our sin, Wdens us by the soft deceitfulness of sin, and then brings us to destruction. But our Father smites us, even though we do not at first behold Him, makes us feel bitterly our utter want of Him, terrifies us by the remembrance of what eternal existence would be without Him, and then brings us by that marvellous distant attraction back to Himself. ^^ Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.^^^

2. Again, let us recollect the end of this present heaviness. We saw indeed that this path is not yet the way of the Cross, nor the way of light and peace. But take courage ! it leads both to the fellowship of the Crucified, and to His glory which shall be revealed ; it brings us to the precious Blood of the Cross, and it has the consoling ^ro/wi^e of peace j it does not indeed of itself confer salvation, but as we move and cry, we hear the voice of Him Who never failed a penitent, and Who despiseth not the sighing of a contrite heart. '^ Behold, I have blotted out as

^ Ppov. xxvii. 6.

20 BEB^EMBRANCE OF FAST SIN.

a thick^ cloud thy transgressions^ and^ as a cloudy thy sins: return unto Me, for I have healed thee."^ Verily, "if we confess our sins. He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness ;"2 and then, after pardon, grace; and through grace, growth ; and because of growth, the glorious crown given to all those who " go from strength to strength/^ Such are God^s promises. Is it not worth any pain to be able to lay hold of these? " Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him/^^