On habits and manners

Front matter

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Preface To Revised Edition

Hampton, Va., July, 1888.

The revision of this little book is a result of the suggestions of teachers who for the past ten years have been using it in their class rooms. The scope of the subject is such that it is impossible to deal with it satisfactorily within the limits of a text book, and we only claim for our present work that it is an embodiment, so far as we can make it so, of a general experience of the needs of our students.

We have endeavored to make it constructive rather than critical, and we ask those who may use it, either as teacher or pupil, to remember that it is not safe to adopt the manners of any individual as a standard, for even the most careful are liable to lapses, and it is always the general law which should be regarded, rather than the special instance.

Finally, most of us need to be reminded that picking flaws in other peoples’ manners, does not help to mend our own, and that now and always, here and everywhere, it is only a gentle soul which can give us the best part of gentle breeding.

M F. A.

Preface

To be truly a gentleman or lady, in the best and broadest meaning of the words, is to be something more than most of us think of when we apply the terms in a general way, or as a mere class distinction.

It is not to those who are rich; it is not to those to whom the accident of birth may have given special advantages; it is not even to those who are educated, or who claim the title for themselves, that the name “ gentleman ” or “ lady ” rightfully belongs ; and as, with very few exceptions, we all desire to win this honor for ourselves, our first need is to make sure that we know just what we want — that we know what it is that is really meant by the words so frequently upon our lips.

Long ago one of the old English poets wrote this beautiful description of our Saviour :

“ A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit,

The first true gentleman that ever breathed.’^

And here, indeed, we find the ensample wherein is summed up all the graciousness which goes to make a “ gentle ” life. Do not think, then that I aim too high when I tell you that to be gentlemen and ladies is to be pure, conscientious and honorable, to be delicate and unselfish, careful always of the rights of others, and refined and gentle in the manner of our lives — that, in a word, it is to reach the highest type of man-and woman-hood.

But of the great lessons which we must all learn in order to mould our natures after this perfect model, it is not my business now, and here, to speak. It is only with the “ outward, visible sign of the inward, spiritual truth,” that I have to deal in these pages, which I am permitted to dedicate to you; and I have to offer you, first of all.

PREFACE.

a few words of explanation as to the nature of the work which lies before us.

You have already, doubtless, realized that society, (by which word we mean all the various combinations of men and women, — all the numerous conditions under which men and women mingle with each other), makes certain demands upon each of its individual members; and you have also begun to see that just in proportion to the development of .society, and the height to which you rise in the social scale, are the number and stringency of these demands. That is, that while in the backwoods cabin you may eat in the coarsest fashion, or go unwashed for days without exciting surprise, you will find that among another class of people such behavior would result in your own social disgrace.

Now, among the most refined classes of the most highly civilized nations — that is, among people who have had the greatest advantages of birth, education and nature — there exists a code of social law which is just as inexorable as the law of the State. It has grown with the growth of civilization, and among the people who live within its influence, has produced certain habits and customs which you must study and follow if you desire to gain the external attributes of gentility, and associate easily and pleasantly with your fellow-beings.

While honesty and purity of life are the suresfifoundation for true refinement of character, the details of daily life wherein such refinement shows itself are a study by themselves, 'and demand your careful attention. In the following pages I shall try to give you the principal laws of good society, and as many of its minor regulations as are likely to be of use to you, trusting that your own earnestness and persistence may make this little book a real and permanent assistance toward a better life. M. F. A.

ON HABITS AND MANNERS.

Chapter I. The Etiquette Of The Table

There is no place where it is easier to recognize refinement, or the want of it, than at the table ; and to those of you who are beginning to understand how good a thing it is to be ‘‘gentlemen and ladies,’’ that is, to be really refined and delicate in the manner of j^our lives, I offer the following simple rules, assuring you that society will always be largely influenced in its judgment of you by your behavior at table, and that, if you wish to take the first step in social education, you must do your best to become at ease in the details of table etiquette.

Taking for granted that you understand already the necessity of making your dress and person as neat as the nature of your work will permit, before you present yourself at table, I must ask you to remember that haste in seating or helping yourself before others is simply unpardonable, being so gross a violation of good manners, that I trust your own instinct and kind feeling will make it unnecessary for me to do more than allude to it.

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Premising, therefore, that you have seated yourself quietly (aud I would here remark, that, as in well ordered households there is no irregularity in the time of meals, so there should be promptness on the part of individuals), I want you to be careful always to exchange polite and kindly greetings with those who sit at meat with you, whom you may not have previously met during the day. A cheery Good-morning,” a bright smile, a bow to any one who may not be near enough for a word, serve to make the meet ing pleasant, and to open the way for the conversation ^ which is, or ought to be, an important part of every mea . That is, while loud or careless talk is of course inadmissible it is a wise and pleasant thing to converse, in low tones, eas ily, upon topics of general interest (never in whispers or upon purely personal matters); for this prevents you from fallng into the graceless and unwholesome habit of fast eating, and when you have been working hard is often a mental rest and relief.

And now your repast is before you, and the first question which presents itself is one which I trust you will have no difficulty in answering, that is, ‘'’Whom will you first help, your neighbor or yourself? ”

Surely I do not need to tell you that you have no more important duty at table as everywhere else, than to attend to the comfort of your companions. You must see that

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those about you are served, you must assist them so far as your position will permit, (never stretching out your arms or standing up to reach anything,) and you must continue your vigilance so long as you remain at table, passing dishes which are within your reach, asking politely if your neighbors want anything which you can give them, never helping yourself greedily or taking the last of anything unless you know that a second supply is to be had, and finally, never on any account rising from the table until every one else is ready, or you are excused for some reason of real importance.

There are certain well-known rules in regard to the manner of eating, which you must obey absolutely if you intend to become well-bred men and women.

The knife must be held in the right hand, and the fork in the left, when you are eating anything which requires to be cut ; but in eating fish, or other substances which do not need to be cut, the knife should be laid down, the fork taken in the right hand, and a piece of bread in the left, by the aid of which you can take up your food upon your fork, and convey it to your mouth. To eat with your knife is one of the cardinal sins at table ; it stamps you at once as ill-bred, or unpardonably careless. In taking soup, tea, cofiee, or any fiuid food, you must carefully avoid making any sound while drinking ; swallow the liquid, whatever it lo ON HABITS AND MANNERS.

may be, in small quantities and quietly ; while in using a epoon there must be no gurgling or spilling.

The fingers should never be used directly, if it is possible to avoid it ; for example, when you want to dip bread or crackers into gravy, milk, syrup, etc., you should do it by breaking the bread or other solid into the fluid, and conveying it thence to your mouth with a fork or spoon.

Your own share of the table furniture ; that is, your plates, cup, glass, knife, fork, spoon, etc., are for the time being your own private property, and must never be used by others, and in the case of the last three, must not be used by you in helping yourself from any dish from which others are eating.

Butter-knives, salt-spoons, table spoons, etc., are for the general use, and must never be superseded by your private knife, spoon or fork, and you must never pass your plate with any of these upon it, buc must remove them, and lay them upon the cloth beside you until your plate is returned.

To pour anything from your cup into your saucer is not allowable, and you must not drink with the spoon in your 'Cup, but after stirring your tea you should put the spoon in the saucer, being particularly careful to place it there when your cup is passed.

Do not blow any kind of food, but have patience until it €Ools without your* help, and r^void, if possible, any close

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examination of dishes which are passed to you, or of anything that is upon your own plate. If you find anything disagreeable remove it yourself as quietly as you can, or hand it, without calling attention to it, to the waiter.

If you have preferences in regard to difierent parts of a dish, do not hesitate to mention them, if you are asked, but not otherwise ; and, as a general rule, it is best to make no remarks upon the food while you are at table. After the meal is over, is the proper time to discuss, criticize, or mention to those in authority, anything unusual that you may have noticed at table.

If it is necessary to remove from the mouth anything which may have found its way into your food by accident, this may be done usually under cover of your hand or your handkerchief, but always in such a manner as to attract the least possible attention.

The use of the toothpick should be postponed, if possible, until after leaving the dining-room, but if it is used at table it must be behind your hand or handkerchief, and with the greatest care.

Your position at table should be erect ; there must be no lounging, no pushing back or tilting of the chair (which should be placed at a convenient distance from the table and your neighbors), and never moved until you are ready to rise ; and, above all, no leaning of the arms or head upon the table, or the back of your neighbor’s chair.

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Keep your food upon your plate or plates as much as possible, bread being the only thing which you can with invariable propriety lay upon the cloth beside you.

If you are obliged to cough or sneeze, the head must be turned entirely away from the table, and the mouth and nose covered with the pocket-handkerchief.

You should avoid blowing your nose at table, and must not arrange your dress, hair, or any part of your person, as these things can be done properly only in your own bedrooms, or ill places set apart for that purpose. Kever speak while in the act of eating, and never under any circumstances over-fill your mouth.

The above rules include all that you most need to know in regard to the proprieties of the table ; and I can add to them only the one broad rule, that you should never do anything which may ofi^end the sense of the most refined person present, because, while there may be a certain latitude allowed in general society, the laws of the table are exact and unvarying.

Chapter II. Care Of The Person

One of the fundamental conditions of civilized, not to say refined, society, is cleanliness. The house, trom the cellar to the garret, must be clean , the table, in all its appointmerits, scrupulously neat ; and, above all, the body should be guarded in every particular against even the suspicion of uncleanliness. The first step in this direction is the morning bath — a necessity and a luxury which should never, in winter or summer, be omitted. No matter how hurried you may be, or how unwilling to make what seems at the moment an exertion, you should never fail to bathe yourself thoroughly from head to foot in cool, fresh water, before you dress yourself for the day. The simplest and pleasantest way to do this is to have a large tub of tin or wood half filled with water, into which you can step, and with a large sponge or piece of coarse cloth, and plenty of soap, rub the skin upon every part of your body until all impurities are removed and the senses of sight and smell both assure you that you are beginning the day with a clean body. In case it is not convenient for you to procure or to use a tub, a large basin must take its place, though bf course you cannot stand in this, but with the sponge or coarse cloth must be equally careful to rub every portion of your skin. Having by the use of the soap (which you must apply with your sponge or cloth) removed or neutralized all the secretions of the skin and all the foreign substances which may adhere to it, you should then rinse off the soap with pure water, and finally rub and dry yourself thoroughly with a clean towel, which is all the better for being coarse.

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This, then, is the general outline of the morning bath with which every civilized man and woman should begin the day, and without which no one has any right to consider himself or herself clean.

But there are some details which require your attention, and I shall take them in what might be called their natural order, beginning with the hair.

The hair and the skin of the head must be washed as often as once or twice a week with clean water, without soap. The use of oils and pomatum is, as a general thing, a mistake, as they clog the pores of the skin, and are more likely to produce than to prevent diseases of the hair, in addition to which, their odor is usually unpleasant. The use of pure water, and thorough brushing once or twice a day, with such combing as is necessary to keep the hair from matting, will, in most cases, ensure the cleanliness of both the hair and the skin of the head.

The ears must be carefully washed with a sponge or soft cloth. Nothing hard or rough should be used in cleaning them, and the wax which collects in them should never be removed except by washing, as the delicacy of the ears is such that it is possible to produce deafness by carelessness in the treatment of them*

The teeth must be cleaned morning and night with a toothbrush, clear water, and either toothpowder or scap.

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No toothpowder should be used except that which can be procured from respectable druggists and dentists, for it i& very easy to destroy the enamel of the teeth, and the quack powders used by many ignorant people are usually made of detergents so powerful as to increase rather than prevent the decay of the teeth. If it is possible to clean the teeth and rinse the mouth after each meal, it should be done ; but,, in any case, a thorough cleaning should be given night and morning, for by this means only can you keep your teeth sound and white, and your breath free from offense. If thi& habit is established in early childhood, a fine set of teeth is almost invariably the result, while toothaches are avoided and dentists set at naught, “a consummation most devoutly to be wished for.”

The hands and feet need special care, for the nails of the former must be always carefully cut and cleaned with a knife or nail-scissors every day, while they must be washed several times a day, in particular, both before and after eating. The toes must be washed and dried carefully every morning, while, whenever it is necessary, the nails must be cut, and all corns or growths of that nature, must be pared with a knife or otherwise removed, in order to prevent the feet from becoming a source of great pain and annoyance.

The habits of cleanliness which will result frorq obedience to the above simple rules, will do much toward keepi6 ox HABITS AND MANNERS.

ing your bodies in a healthy condition, for a clean skin is one of tlie essentials of health, so that you have a double motive to induce you to learn to be clean, in the fact that you can never have either health or refinement except upon the broad foundation of cleanliness.

Chapter III. Personal Haetts

In associating with our fellow-men and women, in general society, which we are all, to a greater or less extent, obliged to do, and in which many of us find our greatest pleasures, I want you to notice how closely the Christian law and the law of Society are united in respect to the principles of refinement. To be a Christian one must love one’s neighbor as one’s self, — to be a gentleman or lady one must at least seem to do so, and must bear one’s self in all things as if the comfort and well being of one’s neighbor were the first and highest consideration. True politeness involves frequent, indeed continual self-sacrifice, and it is this undoubtedly which makes it so hard for us to practice it in our homes, or at seasons when we fancy the eye of the world is no longer upon us and we can be rude and selfish without fear of being held up to ridicule and contempt.

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It is of the details of this politeness, this habitual refinement, that I hope to teach you something ; and I shall have now to ask you to follow me patiently through what may seem to you an unnecessarily minute account of the numberless social regulations to which gentlemen and ladies submit themselves, reminding you once more that there is no short road to the refinements of life, and that even those who are trained from their birth cannot rid themselves of the necessity for constant care and watchfulness.

Before, however, I begin upon this part of our work I have something to say to you upon a subject which is of very great interest to mo.^t people, and that is the matter of ‘^Dress.”

Now it is undeniable that our personal appearance does, to a greater or less extent, influence our lives, has often an intimate connection with our worldly success or failure, and, in short, is a matter worthy of sober consideration. To be slatternly, unneat, and careless ; to dress in an extravagant, ill-chosen fashion ; to wear uncomfortable and unnatural garments; to make either too much or too little of your clothes, is a serious mistake, and one against which I greatly desire to help you to guard yourselves. And what I want you first to remark is, that while, as I have said, your personal appearance may and probably does affect your life, your life most certainly afiects your personal appearance.

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Unconsciously, perhaps to you, but still most surely, your vices and virtues are moulding with strong hands, your face, your form, your very dress, and are forcing you in spite of yourself to carry about with you an index to the manner of your life, which all the world may read. If you think this an exaggeration let me ask you to look about for a moment among your companions. Here is Laziness in the girl with unneat hair and collar awry, who, as you can see, has been unwilling to make the exertion which neatness requires; here is Coarseness in the boy with dirty hands and person to match; here Vanity in the shape of tawdry ribbons and mock jewelry ; and here, perhaps. Dishonesty in one who from a room-mate’s trunk has taken some small article which may be used without detection, or may be said to have been “ borrowed.” On the other hand, too, is it not pleasant to find Thrift in the plain but well-cared-for dress of some boy who has little to spend and means to spend that little honestly ; Modesty in the quiet neatness of some sweet-faced girl ; Unselfishness in some simple garb which is bare of ornament in order that its wearer may help a needy friend?

While I do not, by any means, claim that in all cases one can trust to outward signs, yet surely they have much to do with the judgment which we for m of one another, and are therefore of real importance to every station in life, and in both sexes.

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In regard, then, to the clothes which we wear, two things may be considered certain, namely, that we shall in the main follow the prevailing fashion of our time and country, and that in detail we shall follow the bent of our own tastes, so that while the limits of our obedience to the fashion of the day will be regulated by our consciences and our purses, our characters as individuals will have not a little to do with the cut and color of our garments.

Now I think there are few among you who will not confess that to be well dressed is a desirable thing, but differences of opinion may very probably commence when we begin to discuss the meaning of this term ‘‘well-dressed,’’ and much must necessarily be left to your own good taste and experience. There are, however, two or three essentials, and these, as is proper, shall come first. Cleanliness and Fitness, you will see at once, are absolutely necessary and are within the reach of almost everybody, while the third essential. Comfort, is seldom sacrificed, except by unwise people, who fancy that to distort and cramp different parts of their bodies is the way to obtain grace and beauty, which is undoubtedly one ot the important ends for which we strive in the endeavor to dress well.

Having established, then, our three primary essentials, Cleanliness, Fitness, and Comfort, we have come to a point where the differences in the dress of the sexes make it neces-

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sary for us to divide our subject, as the rules binding upon one sex are not always equally binding upon the other, and both fashion and common sense ordain that there shall be a marked distinction in the dress ot men and women. Our next chapter, therefore, will be especially for young women.

Chapter IV. For Young Women

Taking the articles of your dress in their customary order, I shall first speak of the underclothing, which is of primary importance to your health and comfort.

Next the skin, flannel should always be worn, heavy in winter, but in summer as light as possible; and the reason for this is a sanitary one, for nothing so effectually protects the skin from the effect of cold in winter, and the danger of chills during the profuse perspiration of summer, as some woolen material, flannel being the best and cheapest.

These garments may be made in diflterent ways, but should always come up to the throat, entirely covering the chest; should be made with sleeves to reach at least half way to the elbow (for the under part of the upper arm and the armpit are exceedingly sensitive parts of the body), and should come well down over the hips. Once a week these -under jackets must be changed, for the excretions from the skin will thoroughly soil them in that; time, although no stain or mark of dirt may be apparent to the eye. All the cotton garments must also be changed at least once a week, and it is often desirable to change them more^ frequently, while with the stockings (which should be woollen in winter and cotton in summer) the only safe rule is to change them whenever they are soiled.

The corsets, which are so dangerous a stumbling block in the path of young girls, are so universally worn that the harm which they do is a serious matter, and I want you to whom I am writing these words, and who, in years to come, may be able to do much to influence other women, to give me your sober attention while I ask a question or two and offer you a few facts.

There can be no doubt, I am afraid, that many of you wear your gowns much too tight, and in order to do this use your stiff steel-boned corsets to obtain the small waists which you think pretty and elegant. Now let me tell you where lies your first mistake. Nothing is pretty which is unnatural, and as you well know small waists are not natural to healthy, well developed women. Your waist, if you would have a good and graceful figure, must be in proportion to your height and the breadth of your shoulders, and a waist of seventeen or eighteen inches upon a girl of average size, is simply a deformity. Your small waists are obtained, then,

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at a sacrifice of the very grace for which you are seeking, and that is not the sum of your folly. Do you realize when you pull in that fatal corset-lacing of yours, what suffering you are preparing for yourselves ?

You are squeezing in your stomach so that it cannot digest food ; you are compressing your lungs so that they cannot receive the air, which is your life ; you are stopping the action of your busy heart ; you are doing a dozen things which may ruin your health for life, and which at any rate are giving you daily headaches, and very probably making you irritable and unhappy. This is surely a senseless and a

wicked thing — a thing which any honest, God-fearing woman ought to be ashamed to do ; and I assure you that you must consider it, not as a trifling question of dress, but as a matter of very great importance to you and to others. For God has given you, in most cases, healthy, well formed bodies, and the responsibility of injuring them is an awful weight which must rest now and hereafter upon your own shoulders.

As to the directly practical side of the question I can perhaps make some suggestions which may be of use to you. A waist made of stout cotton cloth, firmly stitched and corded, cut low in the neck, with sleeveless armholes, will take the place of the corset in every respect, while in some

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particulars it is altogether preferable. It can be made with a corset steel in front (to be removed when it is washed), but should contain no other bones or steels. Your own back bone is your proper and all-sufficient support, and you are doing your spine and the wonderful nervous system so closely connncted with it, no kindness when you rely upon the artificial aid of whale bones to produce an erect figure. The weight of the skirts, which can be made to button on to the waist I am describing, is thus supported from the shoulder by the band of the armhole ; there is no drag upon the hips, no chance to tighten a lacing, no compression between stifi bones, and none of that aw’kward and unnatural inflexibility which comes from the wearing of corsets.