The mystery of Edwin Drood and other pieces

Front matter

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Contents

THE MYSTERY OP EDWIN DEOODl

Cum* turn

I. The Dawn 1

Preface to Master Humphrey's Clock 157

Master Humphrey's Clock. I.

Master Humphrey, from his dock-Side in the Chimney-

Corner . 159

Correspondence. ......... 175 yGooQle

,gi iv CONTENTS.

Master Humphrey's Clock. II.

Master Humphrey, from his Clock-Side in the Chimney-

Corner 177

The Clock-Case 182

Correspondence 186

Master Humphrey's Clock. III.

Master Humphrey's Visitor 189

Master Humphrey's Clock. IV.

The Clock 208

Master Humphrey's Clock. V.

Mr. Weller's Watch 214

Master Humphrey's Clock. VI.

Master Humphrey, from his Clock-Side in the Chimney- Corner 220

Full Report of the First Meeting op the Mudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything . . . 233

Full Keport of the Second Meeting of the Mudfog Association, for the Advancement of Everything . . 245

A CHILD'S HISTORY OF ENGLAND.

Chatt**

I. Ancient England and the Romans. From 50 years

before Christ to the year of our Lord 450 .... 265 II. Ancient England under the Early Saxons. From

the year 450 to the year 871 ; . : 270

III. England under the Good Saxon Alfred, and Ed-

ward the Elder. From the year 871 to the year 901 . 273

IV. England under Athelstan and the Six Boy-Kings.

From the year 925 to the year 1016 277

Y. England- under Canute the Dane. From the year

VI. .England under Harold Harefoot, Hardicanute, and Edward the Confessor. From the year 1035

VII. England under Harold the Second, and Conquered

by the Normans. All in the same year, 1066 . . 289 VIII. England- under .William the First, the Norman

Conqueror. From the year 1066 to the year 1087 . . 292 IX. England under William the Second, called Rufus,

From the year 1087 to the year 1100 296

X. England under Henry the First, called Fine*

Scholar. From the year 1100 to the year 1135 . . 300

CONTENTS. . V

XI. England under Matilda and Stephen. From the

XII. England under Henry the Second. Prom the year

1154 to the year 1189. Parts First and Second . . 809

XIII. England under Richard the First, called the

Lion-Heart. From the year 1139 to the year 1199 . 320

XIV. England under John, called Lackland. From

the year 1199 to the year 1216 326

XV. England under Henry the Third. From the year

XVI. England under Edward the First, called Longshanks. From the year 1272 to the year 1307 . . 341 XVII. England under Edward the Second. From the

XVIII. England under Edward the Third. From the year

XIX. England under Richard the Second. From the

XX. England under Henry the Fourth, called Boling-

broke. From the year 1399 to the year 1413 . . 371 XXI. England under Henry the Fifth. From the year

1413 to the year 1422. Parts First and Second . . 375 XXII. England under Henry the Sixth. From the year 1422 to the year 1461. Parts First, Second (ihe Story of Joan of Arc), and Third 381

XXIII. England under Edward the Fourth. From the

XXIV. England under Edward the Fifth. For a few

weeks in the year 1483 398

XXV. England under Richard the Third. From the year

XXVI. England under Henry the Seventh. From the

* XXVII. England under Henry the Eighth, called Bluff King Hal and Burly King Harry. From the year 1509 to the year 1538 409

XXVIII. England under Henry the Eighth, called Bluff King Hal and Burly King Harry. From the

XXIX England under Edward the Sixth. From the year

XXX. England under* Mary. From the year 1553 to the

XXXI. England under Elizabeth. From the year 1558 to

the year 1603. Parts First, Second, and Third . . 435 XXXII. England under James the First. From the year

1603 to the year 1625. Parts First and Second . . 451

VI

CONTENTS.

XXXIII. England under Charles the First. From the year

1626 to the year 1649. Parts First, Second, Third, and Fourth . .461

XXXIV. England under Oliver Cromwell. From the year

1649 to the year 1660. Parts First and Second . . 478

< XXXV. England under Charles the Second, called the Merry Monarch. From the year 1660 to the year 1685. Parts First and Second 489

XXXVI. England under James the Second. From the year

XXXVII. Conclusion. From the year 1688 to lie year 1887 . 510

Past I.

IV. Holiday Romance

IN FOUR PARTS.

Introductory Romance. From the pen of "William Tinkling,

Esquire 512

Romance. From the pen of Miss Alice Rainbird . . 517

Romance. From the pen of Lieut. -Col. Robin Redforth . 52$

Romance. From the pen of Miss Nettie Ashford . . 529

GEORGE SILVERMAN EXPLANATION. George Silverman's Explanation 534

LIST OF ILLUSTBATIONS.

Pact

Mr. Durdles 71

Mb. Grbwgious breaks the News to Jasper ... 97

Mr. Grbwgious experiences ▲ new Sensation • • • 128

Sleeping it out • 148

Alfred in the Neatherd's Cottage 274

Joan of Arc tending her Flock 882

The Princess Alicia 520

The Obstinate Boys ........ 532

THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD.

Chapter I. Thx Dawn

AN ancient English Cathedral Tower? How can the ancient English Cathedral tower be here! The veil-known massive gray square tower of its old Cathedral? How can that be here! There is no spike of rusty iron in the air, between the eye and it, from any point of the real prospect What is the spike that intervenes, and who has set it up? Maybe, it is set up by the Sultan's orders for the impaling of a horde of Turkish robbers, one by one. It is so, for cymbals dash, and the Sultan goes by to his palace in long procession. Ten thousand scimitars flash in the sunlight, and thrice ten thousand dancing-girls strew flowers. Then, follow white elephants caparisoned in countless gorgeous colors, and infinite in number and attendants. Still, the Cathedral tower rises in the background, where it cannot be, and still no writhing figure is on the grim spike. Stay ! Is the spike so low a thing as the rusty spike on the top of a post of an old bedstead that has tumbled all awry? Some vague period of drowsy laughter most be devoted to the consideration of this possibility.

Shaking from head to foot, the man whose scattered consciousness has thus fantastically pieced itself together at length rises, supports his trembling frame upon his arms, and looks around. He is in the meanest and closest of 1 small rooms. Through the ragged window-curtain, the light of early day steals in from a miserable court. He lies, dressed, across a large unseemly bed, upon a bedstead that has indeed given way under the weight upon it Lying, also dressed and also across the bed, not longwise, are a Chinaman, a Lascar, and a haggard woman. Tne two first are in a sleep or stupor; the last is blowing at a kind of pipe to kindle it And as she blows, and, shading it with her lean hand, concentrates its red spark of light, it serves in the dim morning as a lamp to show him what he sees of her.

44 Another? " says this woman, in a querulous, rattling whisper. "Have another ? "

He looks about him, with his hand to his forehead.

44 Ye 've smoked as many as five since ye come in at midnight," the woman goes on, as she chronically complains. 44 Poor me, poor me, my head is so badl Them two come in after ye. Ah, poor me, the business is slack, is slack ! Few Chinamen about the Docks, and fewer Lascars, and no ships coming in, these say! Here's another ready for ye, deary. Ye '11 remember, like a good soul, won't ye, that the market price is dreffle high just now? More nor three shillings and sixpence for a thimbleful! And ye '11 remember that nobody but me (and Jack Chinaman t' other side the court; but he can't do it as well as me) has the true secret of mixing it? Ye'U pay up according, deary, won't ye?"

THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DROOD.

She blows at the pipe as she speaks, and, occasionally babbling at it, inhales much of its contents.

" 0 me, 0 me, my lungs is weak, my lungs is bad ! It 's nearly ready for ye, deary. Ah, poor me, peor me, my poor hand shakes like to drop off! I see ye coming-to, and I ses to my poor self, 4 1 '11 have another ready for him, and he '11 bear in mind the market price of opium, and pay according. ' 0 my poor head! I makes my pipes of old penny ink-bottles, ye see, deary — this is one — and I fits in a mouthpiece, this way, and I takes my mixter out of this thimble with thiB little horn spoon; and so I fills, deary. Ah, my poor nerves! I got Heavens-hard drunk for sixteen year afore I took to thisj but this don't hurt me, not to speak of. And it takes away the hunger as well as wittles, deary. "

She hands him the nearly emptied pipe, and sinks back, turning over on her face.

He rises unsteadily from the bed, lays the pipe upon the hearthstone, draws back the ragged curtain, and looks with repugnance at his three companions. He notices that the woman has opiumsmoked herself into a strange likeness of the Chinaman. His form of cheek, eye, and temple, and his color, are repeated in her. Said Chinaman convulsively wrestles with one of his many Gods, or Devils, perhaps, and snarls horribly. The Lascar laughs and dribbles at the mouth. The hostess is still.

" What visions can she have? " the waking man muses, as he turns her face towards him, and stands looking down at it " Visions of many butchers' shops, and public-houses, and much credit Of an increase of hideous customers, and this horrible bedstead set upright again, and this horrible court swept clean? What can she rise to, under any quantity of opium, higher than that ! — Eh ? "

He bends down his ear, to listen to her muttering*,

"Unintelligible!"

As he watches the spasmodic shoots and darts that break out of her face and limbs, like fitful lightning out of a dark sky, some contagion in them seizes upon him: insomuch that he has to withdraw himself to a lean arm-chair by the hearth, — placed there, perhaps, for such emergencies, — and to sit in it, holding tight, until he has got the better of this unclean spirit of imitation.

Then he comes back, pounces on the Chinaman, and, seizing him with both hands by the throat, turns him violently on the bed. The Chinaman clutches the aggressive hands, resists, gasps, and protests.

44 What do you say ? "

A watchful pause.

"Unintelligible!"

Slowly loosening his grasp as he listens to the incoherent jargon with an attentive frown, he turns to the Lascar and fairly drags him forth upon the floor. As he falls, the Lascar starts into a half-risen attitude, glares with his eyes, lashes about him fiercely with his arms, and draws a phantom knife. It then becomes apparent that the woman has taken possession of his knife, for safety's sake; for, she too starting up, and restraining and expostulating with him, the knife is visible in her dress, not in his, when they drowsily drop back, side by side.

There has been chattering and clattering enough between them, but to no purpose. When any distinct word has been flung into the air,' it has had no sense or sequence. Wherefore 44 unintelligible ! " is again the comment of the watcher, made with some reassured nodding of his head, and a gloomy smile. He then lays certain silver money on the table, finds his hat, gropes his way down the broken stairs, gives a good morning to some rat-ridden doorkeeper, in bed in a black hutch beneath the stairs, and passes out

A DEAN, AND A CHAPTER ALSO.

That same afternoon, the massive gray square tower of an old Cathedral rises before the sight of a jaded traveller. The bells are going for daily vesper service, and he mast needs attend it, one would say, from his haste to reach the open Cathedral door. The choir are getting on their sullied white robes, in a hurry, when he arrives among them, gets on his own robe, and falls into the procession filing in to service. Then the Sacristan locks the iron-barred gates that divide the sanctuary from the chancel, and all of the procession, having scuttled into their places, hide their faces ; and then the intoned words, " When the Wicked Man — " rise among groins of arches and beams of rcof, awakening muttered thunder.

Chapter II. A Dean, And A Chapter Also

Whosoever has observed that sedate and clerical bird, the rook, may perhaps have noticed that when he wings his way homewards towards nightfall, in a sedate and clerical company, two rooks will suddenly detach themselves from the rest, will retrace their flight for some distance, and will there poise and linger, — conveying to mere men the fancy that it is of some occult importance to the body politic that this artful couple should pretend to have renounced connection with it.

Similarly, service being over in the old Cathedral with the square tower, and the choir scuffling out again, and divers venerable persons of rook-like J aspect dispersing, two of these latter retrace their steps, and walk together in the echoing Close.

Not only is the day waning, but the year. The low sun is fiery and yet cold behind the monastery ruin, and the Virginia creeper on the Cathedral wall has showered half its deep-red leaves down on the pavement. There has been rain this afternoon, and a wintry shudder goes among the little pools on the cracked, uneven flagstones, and through the giant elm-trees as they shed a gust of tears. Their fallen leaves lie strewn thickly about. Some of these leaves, in a timid rush, seek sanctuary within the low arched Cathedral door ; but two men, coming out, resist them, and cast them forth again with their feet; this done, one of the two locks the door with a goodly key, and the other flits away with a folio music-book.

" Mr. Jasper was that, Tope? "

" Yes, Mr. Dean."

" He has stayed late."

" Yes, Mr. Dean. I have stayed for him, your Reverence. He has been took a little poorly."

" Say * taken,1 Tope — to the Dean," the younger rook interposes in alow tone with this touch of correction, as who should say, " You may offer bad grammar to the laity, or the humbler clergy, not to the Dean."

Mr. Tope, Chief Verger and Showman, and accustomed to be high with excursion-parties, declines with a silent loftiness to perceive that any suggestion has been tendered to him.

" And when and how has Mr. Jasper been taken — for, as Mr. Crisparkle has remarked, it is better to say taken — taken — " repeats the Dean; "when and how has Mr. Jasper been taken — "

"Taken, sir," Tope deferentially murmurs.

" — Poorly, Tope?"

"Why, sir, Mr. Jasper was that breathed — "

" I would n't say * That breathed/ Tope," Mr. Crisparkle interposes, with the same touch as before. * * Not English— to the Dean,"

" Breathed to that extent," the Dean (not unflattered by this indirect homage) condescendingly remarks, " would be preferable."

THE MYSTERY OF EDWIN DBOOD.

" Mr. Jasper's breathing was so remarkably short," thus discreetly does Mr. Tope work his way round the sunken rock, " when he came in, that it distressed him mightily to get his notes out: which was perhaps the cause" of his having a kind of fit on him after a little. His memory grew Dazed." Mr. Tope, with his eyes on the Reverend Mr. Crisparkle, shoots this word out, as defying him to improve upon it: "and a dimness and giddiness crept over him as strange as ever I saw; though he did n't seem to mind it particularly, himself. However, a little time and a little water brought him out of his Daze." Mr. Tope repeats the word and its emphasis, with the air of saying, " As I have made a success, I '11 make it again."

"And Mr. Jasper has gone home quite himself, has he? " asked the Dean.

" Your Reverence, he has gone home quite himself. And I 'm glad to see he 's having his fire kindled up, for it 's chilly after the wet, and the Cathedral had both a damp feel and a damp touch this afternoon, and he was very shivery."

They all three looked towards an old stone gatehouse crossing the Close, with an arched thoroughfare passing beneath it. Through its latticed window, a fire shines out upon the fastdarkening scene, involving in shadow the pendent masses of ivy and creeper covering the building's front As the deep Cathedral bell strikes the hour, a ripple of wind goes through these at their distance, like a ripple of the solemn sound that hums through tomb and tower, broken niche and defaced statue, in the pile close at hand.

"Is Mr. Jasper's nephew with him?" the Dean asks.

"No, sir," replies the Verger, "but expected. There's his own solitary shadow betwixt his two windows — the one looking this way, and the one looking down into the High Street — drawing his own curtains now."

" Well, well," says the Dean, with a sprightly air of breaking up the little conference, "I hope Mr. Jasper's heart may not be too much set upon his nephew. Our affections, however laudable, in this transitory world, should never master us; we should guide them, guide them. I find I am not disagreeably reminded of my dinner, by hearing my dinner-bell. Perhaps, Mr. Crisparkle, you will, before going home, look in on Jasper? "

"Certainly, Mr. Dean. And tell him that you had the kindness to desire to know how he was ? "

" Ay, do so, do so. Certainly. Wished to know how he was. By all means. Wished to know how he was. ' '

With a pleasant air of patronage, the Dean as nearly cocks his quaint hat as a Dean is good spirits may, and directs his comely gaiters towards the ruddy dining-room of the snug old red-brick house, where he is at present "In residence " with Mrs. Dean and Miss Dean.

Mr. Crisparkle, Minor Canon, fair and rosy, and perpetually pitching himself head-foremost into all the deep running water in the surrounding country; Mr. Crisparkle, Minor Canon, early riser, musical, classical, cheerful, kind, good-natured, social, contented, and boy-like; Mr. Crisparkle, Minor Canon and good man, lately " Coach •• upon the chief Pagan high-roads, but since promoted by a patron (grateful for a well-taught son) to his present Christian beat; betakes himself to the gatehouse, on his way home to his early tea.

44 Sorry to hear from Tope that you have not been well, Jasper."

" 0, it was nothing, nothing ! "

" You look a little worn."

"Do I? 0, 1 don't think so. What is better, I don't feel so. Tope has made too much of it, I suspect. It 's his trade to make the most of everything appertaining to the Cathedral, you know."

A DEAN, AND A CHAPTER ALSO.

" I may tell the Dean — I call expressly from the Dean — that you are all right again?"

The reply, with a slight smile, is, "Certainly; with my respects and thanks to the Dean."

" I 'm glad to hear that you expect young Drood."

" 1 expect the dear fellow every moment."

"Ah! He will do you more good than a doctor, Jasper."

"More good than a dozen doctors; for I love him dearly, and I don't love doctors, or doctors1 stuff."

Mr. Jasper is a dark man of some six-end-twenty, with thick, lustrous, well-arranged black hair and whisker. He looks older than he is, as dark men often do. His voice is deep and good, his face and figure are good, his manner is a little sombre. His room is a little sombre, and may have had its influence in forming his manner. It is mostly in shadow. Even when the sun shines brilliantly, it seldom touches the grand piano in the recess, or the folio music-books on the stand, or the bookshelves on the wall, or the unfinished picture of a blooming school-girl hanging over the chimney-piece; her flowing brown hair tied with a blue riband, and her beauty remarkable for a quite childish, almost babyish, touch of saucy discontent, comically conscious of itself! (There is not the least artistic merit in this picture, which is a mere daub; but it is clear that the painter has made it humorously — one might almost say, revengefully — like the original.)

" We shall miss you. Jasper, at the 'Alternate Musical Wednesdays' to-night; but no doubt you are best at home. Good night. God bless you ! 'Tell me, shep-herds, te-e-ell me; tell me-e-et have you seen (have you seen, have you seen, have you seen) my-y-y Flo-o-ora-a pass this way? ' " Melodiously good Minor Canon the Reverend 6eptimus Crisparkle thus delivers himself, in musical rhythm, as he withdraws his amiable face from the doorway and conveys it down stairs.

Sounds of greeting and recognition pass between the Reverend Septimus and somebody else, at the stair-foot. Mr. Jasper listens, starts from his chair, and catches a young fellow in his arms, exclaiming, —

"My dear Edwin!"

"My dear Jack! So glad to tee you!"

" Get off your great-coat, bright boy, and sit down here In your own corner. Your feet are not wet? Pull your boots off. Do pull your boots off."

" My dear Jack, I am as dry as a bone. Don't moddley-coddley, there's a good fellow. I like anything better than being moddley-coddley ed."

With the check upon him of being unsympathetically restrained in a genial outburst of enthusiasm, Mr. Jasper stands still, and looks on intently at the young fellow, divesting himself of his outer coat, hat, gloves, and so forth Once for all, a look of intentness and intensity — a look of hungry, exacting, watchful, and yet devoted affection — is always, now and ever afterwards, on the Jasper face whenever the Jasper face Is addressed in this direction. And whenever it is so addressed, it is never, on this occasion or on any other, dividedly addressed; it is always concentrated.

" Now I am right, and now I '11 take my corner, Jack. Any dinner, Jack ? "

Mr. Jasper opens a door at the upper end of the room, and discloses a small inner room pleasantly lighted and prepared, wherein a comely dame is in the act of setting dishes on table.

"WhatajollyoldJackitis!" cries the young fellow, with a clap of his hands. "Look here, Jack; tell me; whose birthday is it ? "

"Not yours, I know," Mr. Jasper answers, pausing to consider.

"Not mine, you know? No; not mine, / know ! Pussy's ! "

THE MYSTERY OP EDWIN DBOOD.

Fixed as the look the young fellow meets is, there is yet in it some strange power of suddenly including the sketch over the chimney-piece.

"Pussy's, Jack! We must drink Many happy returns to her. Come, uncle, take your dutiful and sharp-set nephew in to dinner.'*

As the boy (for he is little more) lays a hand on Jasper's shoulder, Jasper cordially and gayly lays a hand on Aw shoulder, and so Marseillaise-wise they go in to dinner."

"And Lord! Here 's Mrs. Tope ! " cries the boy. " Lovelier than ever ! »•

44 Never you mind me, Master Edwin, retorts the Verger's wife; u I can take care of myself."

"You can't. You're much too handsome. Give me a kiss, because it 's Pussy's birthday."

" I 'd Pussy you, young- man, if I was Pussy, as you call her," Mrs. Tope blushingly retorts, after being saluted. "Your uncle 's too much wrapped up in you, that 's where it is. He makes so much of you that it 's my opinion you think you've only to call your Pussys by the dozen, to make 'em come."

" You forget, Mrs. Tope," Mr. Jasper interposes, taking his place at table with a gonial smile, " and so do you, Ned, that Uncle and Nephew are words prohibited here by common consent and express agreement. For what we are going to receive His holy name be praised!"

"Done like the Dean! Witness, Edwin Drood ! Please to carve, Jack, for I can't."

This sally ushers in the dinner. Little to the present purpose, or to any purpose, is said, while it is in course of being disposed of. At length the cloth is drawn, and a dish of walnuts and a decanter of rich-colored sherry are placed upon the table.

" I say ! Tell me, Jack," the young fellow then flows on; "do you really and truly feel as if the mention of our relationship divided us at all? I don't"

" Uncles as a rule, Ned, are so much older than their nephews," is the reply, " that 1 have that feeling instinctively."

"As a rule? Ah, maybe! But what is a difference in age of half a dozen years or so? And some uncles, in large families, are even younger than their nephews. By George, I wish it was the case with us ! "

"Why?"

"Because if it was, I'd take the lead with you, Jack, and be as wise as Begone dull care that turned a young man gray, and begone dull care that turned an old man to clay. Halloa, Jack! Don't drink."

"Why not?"

" Asks why not, on Pussy's birthday, and no Happy Returns proposed! Pussy, Jack, and many of 'em ! Happy returns, I mean."

Laying an affectionate and laughing touch on the boy's extended hand, as if it were at once his giddy head and his light heart, Mr. Jasper drinks the toast in silence.

" Hip, hip, hip, and nine times nine, and one to finish with, and all that, understood. Hooray, hooray, hooray ! And now, Jack, let 's have a little talk about Pussy. Two pairs of nut-crackers? Pass me one, and take the other." Crack. "How 's Pussy getting on, Jack?"

" With her music ? Fairly."

"What a dreadfully conscientious fellow you are, Jack! But / know, Lord bless you! Inattentive, isn't she?"

"She can learn anything, if she will."

"ff she wiB? Egad, that's it. But if she won't?''

Crack. On Mr "Jasper's part.

" How 's she looking, Jack? "

Mr. Jasper's concentrated face again includes the portrait as he returns, " Very like your sketch indeed."

A DEAN, AND A CHAPTER ALSO.

"I am a little proud of it," says the young fellow, glancing up at the sketch with complacency, and then shutting one eye, and taking a corrected prospect of it over a level bridge of nut-cracker in the air: " Not badly hit off from memory. But I ought to have caught that expression pretty well, for I have seen it often enough."

Crack. On Edwin Drood's part.

Crack. On Mr. Jasper's part.

44 In point of fact," the former resumes, after some silent dipping among his fragments of walnut with an air of pique, *4 1 see it whenever I go to see Pussy. If I don't find it on her face, I leave it there. — You know I do, Miss Scornful Pert. Booh ! " With a twirl of the nut-crackers at the portrait.

Crack. Crack. Crack. Slowly, on Mr. Jasper's part.

Crack. Sharply on the part of Edwin Drood.

Silence on both sides.

44 Have you lost your tongue, Jack?"

44 Have you found yours, Ned? "

44 No, but really; — is n't it, you know, after all?"

Mr. Jasper lifts his dark eyebrows inquiringly.

44 Is n't it unsatisfactory to be cut off from choice in such a matter? There, Jack ! I tell you ! If I could choose, I would choose Pussy from all the pretty girls in the world."

41 But you have not got to choose."

44 That 's what I complain of. My dead-and-gone father and Pussy's dead-and-gone father must needs marry us together by anticipation. Why the — Devil, I was going to say, if it had been respectful to their memory — could n't they leave us alone? "

44 Tut, tut, dear boy," Mr. Jasper remonstrates, in a tone of gentle deprecation.

44 Tut, tut? Yes, Jack, it 's all very well for you. You can take it easily. Tour life is not laid down to scale, and lined and dotted out for you, like a surveyor's plan. You have no uncomfortable suspicion that you are forced upon anybody, nor has anybody an uncomfortable suspicion that she is forced upon you, or that you are forced upon her. You can choose for yourself. Life, for you, is a plum with the natural b]oom on; it has n't been over-carefully wiped off for you — "