Memoirs of the life of Mrs. Sarah Osborn, who died at Newport, (Rhode Island), on the second day of August, 1796, in the eighty-third year of her age

Part I

Containing an account of the first thirty years of her Life, written by herself; with a brief Introduction.

MRS. SARAH OSBORN, was born in London, on February 22, 1714. Her father was Mr. Benja= min Haggar. Her mother was Mrs. Susanna Haggar, whose maiden name was Guyse, She was si?' ter to the Rev. Dr. John Guyse, of London. Mrs. Osborn came to America, with her mother, in the year 1 722, in the ninth year of her age, her father having been here for some time before, They lived in Boston a short time, an/1 then moved to Freetown, on the east side of Taunton river, near fifty miles south of Boston, and above twenty miles from Newport. In the year 1729, they moved to Newport on Rhode-Island, where she lived till her decease.

The following is a more particular account of the first thirty years of her life, written by herself.

HAVING been for some years strongly inclined to write something of what I can remember of the dealings of God with my soul from a child, I now, being about thirty years old, attempt to do it ; hoping it may consist with the glory of God, at which I trusf, through grace, I sincerely aim ; and the a 2 good of my own soul, as a mean to stir up gratitude in the most ungrateful of all hearts, even mine, to a glorious and compassionate Savior, for all his benefits towards so vile a monster in sin as I am : And for the encouragement of any who may providentially light on these lines after my decease, to trust m the Lord, and never despair of mercy, since one so stubborn and rebellious as I have been, has obtained it, through the sovereign riches of free grace. But Oh, let all tremble at the thought of abusing a Savior so, lest God should say, " Let them alone, they shall never enter into my rest."

Lord, humble me for my base ingratitude ; and help me, by affording me the influences and assistance of thy blessed Spirit, that I may be impartial in this work, declaring the truth, and nothing but ihe truth ; and in all that, have a single eye to thy glory. O, for Jesus' sake, suffer me not to do any thing that will tend to puff up self. O, remove all spiritual pride, and keep me low at the feet of Jesus. Fill me with adoring and admiring thoughts of thee, O God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost, who has so wonderfully contrived and wrought out my redemption ; and though thou hast, through infinite wisdom, hid these things from the wise and prudent, yet hast revealed them unto babes ; and even to me, the most ignorant and vile of all creatures ; whose deep rooted enmity against thee an# thy laws broke out into action, as soon as

1 was capable of any. The first that I can remember of actual sins, of which I was guilty, was telling a lie. And then that tes.t of scripturefcoften rang in my ears, " All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."

I was frequently under the strivings of the Spirit of God, pressing me to forsake sin, and repent and perform duties : But sometimes found them very burdensome to me ; such as praying and saying many good things, which I was frequently taught. Blessed be God for such instructions. Sometimes I loved them, and was much affected with them : But my corruptions prevailed dreadfully, an angry temper stiring in me ; especially when corrected by my mother. But I acknowledge, to the glory of God, that he preserved such a tenderness of conscience in me, that if at any time my mother convinced me that she did it because it was her duty, and for my sin against God, I could bear it patiently, and willingly, yea thankfully.

Thus I continued till I was about seven or eight years old ; when, my father being in New-England, my mother put me to a boarding school, about three miles from London, where every thing was delightful to me. I was constantly taught things that were religious, and they all became sweet to me, so that I verily thought I lived a heaven upon earth. O, how sweet were Sabbaths ! And for secret prayer, I would not have omitted it for all the world ; nay, the sin of omitting it appeared so monstrous, and such a dreadful thing, that I dare not lie down without it : In this I was doubtless governed by a legal spirit. I was frequently much enlarged in that duty, and used to weep much when confessing my sins, and pleading for the pardon of them, and for an interest in Christ. The name of Christ was sweet to me, and sin appeared more hateful. I often used to reprove others, when guilty of it. But once in particular, I remember, when I was at Hartford, where my grandmother lived, and my brother with her, a little time before we came to New-England, my brother did something which I thought was wicked, and I reproved him sharply for it; but was much perplexed, after I had done it, with these words of scripture, " Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye ; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." This frighted me exceedingly. I thought I was a vile hypocrite, and should never dare to reprove any body again, And, I suppose, a hypocrite I was. But at last I told my grandmother of it, who encouraged me to go on, telling me it was my duty so to do ; and if I was faithful, God would bless me, and love me. So I continued for a while, as I thought, to de light in the ways of holiness. But alas! alas! how soon was it over ! My goodness was like the morning cloud and the early dew, which soon passeth away ; for when I was in my ninth year my father sent for my mother and me to come to New-England to him. While on board the ship I lost my good impressions, and grew vile, so that i could then play upon the Sabbath. But was convinced of that sin by an accident which befel me ; or rather what was ordered by infinite wisdom for that end. For as I was busy in boiling something for my amusement, I fell into the fire with my right

MRS. 9ARAH OSBORff. 9

hand,\nd burnt it all over; which I presently thought came justly upon me for playing on the Sabbath day : And I was ashamed and sorry I had done so.

But after this I do not remember any particular conviction for some years ; but was changeable and inconstant, sometimes quite careless, and then more diligent in the performance of prayer. I had always as I thought, a great love for those who I believed were good people, especially ministers. My very heart would leap with joy, when I could see, or come near enough to touch them. I mention this as a childish notion, that I took such pleasure in touching them. I used to go secretly behind them for that purpose. I thought I could do any thing in my power to serve them.

About two years and an half after we came to Boston, my parents moved to F#eetown, and I with them. And when I was about thirteen years old, my mother went from thence to Newport on Rhode- Island, and went to visit Mr. Clap, who gave her a little book of spiritual songs for me, and desired her to give it to me, and tell me that it came from one who was a hearty well wisher to my soul. These words immediately seized me, and filled me with shame to think that one whom I never knew should take such care of my precious soul, while I was so careless myself. And from that minute I thought I had a grateful love for Mr. Clap, and longed to sit under his ministry. I was then for some time under strong convictions ; had such a sense of the hardness of my heart, that I often thought it was impossible for me to be sufficiently awakened by any ordinary means ; and prayed that God would do any thing with me, though ever so terrible, so that I might be driven from my evil courses, and turned to God. Some change I thought must be wrought in me, or I should never get to Heaven ; but after what manner, I knew not. However, I resolved to persist in the way of duty, as I called it, and to forsake my sins, and lead a new life. But, fool that I was, I made resolutions in my own strength, and built upon my own works ; and so soon fell again. O, amazing grace, that God should spare such a wretch as me, such an abuser of mercy !

After this I found myself dead, and to have no heart, as I thought, to pray, nor any sweetness in it, when I did. Then, O how I longed for the return of the spirit of God, imagining he was withdrawn from me. Sometimes I did agonize in prayer, and plead with God that he would return to me by his spirit once more. But was often answered by these words, " My spirit shall not always strive with man." Then I would beg, and promise that if God would try me this once, I would never grieve or resist his spirit again. O, wretch that I was ! thus to lie to the glorious God, who was thea striving with me, to bring me to his son; for I did, I did quench his motions, and soon forgot my promises. O, deceitful and dreadfully wicked heart I who can know it ? Lord, I am amazed at thy patience that I am out of hell.

Sometime after this, contrary to my parents commands, I got into a canoe to paddle about in the

MRS. SARAH OSBORff, II

river,* and could not get on shore again. It being in the night, though the moon shined bright, I ex= pected no other but to be drowned. Once I thought to get out, and pull the canoe to the shore ; but tried first if I could reach the bottom with my paddle : And finding I could not, durst not venture* Then I could see no probability of escaping death. So I kneeled down and prayed, and all my former convictions revived: And the sin of disobedience to my parents especially appeared odious. I thought it was just that God should bring me into this distress for this sin ; and with great vehemence and self abhorrence confessed my sins, with their aggravations before God3 pleading for an interest in the blood of Christ, and for pardon forliis sake, for that, and all my other sins. And while I was praying, I felt a secret joy, verily believing that I was forgiven, and that Christ had loved me with an everlasting love, and that I should be happy with him, and longed for the time. I was immediately resigned, as I thought, to the will of God, quite willing to die, and willing to live, begging that God would dispose of me as most consisted with his glory. And after I had thus resigned rrrvself, as I thought, soul and body into the hands of God, to do with me as seemed good to him, I was as calm and serene in the temper of my mind, as ever in my life. But at length I bethought myself, that self pre= serration was a great duty, and therefore I ought to try to get on shore. So I hallowed as loud as

* Their bouse stood by Taunton riyer; which was navigable

I could to the neighbours, who with much difficult ty were made to hear, and came to me, some hours after. There was not another canoe within two or three miles; for I had been driven by the tide 3ome miles, first up and then down the river.

How it would have been with my soul, if God had taken me out of the world at that time, he only knows. Some christians have thought, a saving change was then wrought, and that I should have been happy.

After this, I was more diligent in pursuing, as I thought, the ways of holiness in the way God had appointed; and more watchful against sin. My life was pleasant and sweet. I had great enlargements in duties. But at length grew cold again. O ungrateful soul ! to forget such a remarkable deliverance from death.

The next winter I was as wonderfully preserved. The weather being exceeding cold, the river was frozen, so that people, horses and teams went over on the ice. But while it was hard and slippery, I durst not venture on it, for fear of falling. But after a great thaw, so that the ice looked quite black, I, contrary to my parents* orders again, they being from home, went quite over to the other side, which was a mile. But the tide was rising, so I could not get on shore : And when I looked round me, I could see nothing but great holes as large as houses, or larger, some of them. There was no way for me, but to go straight back again ; which I did. But the water was almost over shoes all the way ; and Xhe ice it seemed to me, bent every step I took.

MRS. SARAH OSBORff. IS

And when I got back, the water was so risen, that I was much beset to get on shore : And it was in the dusk of the evening. But at last, with much difficulty, I found a strip of ice, as narrow as a bridge, which reached the shore, by which I got to land. But when I had got off, and saw the imminent danger to which I had exposed myself, by my folly and presumption, it made me tremble ex ceedingly. I presently thought again, how just God would have been, if I had been drowned for my disobedience to my parents ; and wondered at his patience in sparing me: But do not remember, that I felt any abiding impressions ; so great fcas my woful stupidity : Though I think I kept on praying, &c. As to the river, the wind rose presently, and blew very hard from the south, so that it, with the tide, broke it up, that before bed time there was not a piece of ice of any bigness within sight of our house, which stood close by the river. I am amazed, when I consider how wonderfully God preserved me, a poor sinful worm, so unworthy of the least mercy.

The next March, we removed to Dighton,^ where we lived one year. I remember but one awakening in that time ; and that was by hearing of the death of one of my former associates in Freetown, a young girl, about my age.

Then I was again astonished at the patience of God, in sparing me alive and out of hell. Then I renewed my resolutions to lead anew life, But in-

* A towB on the other side of Taunton river- B stead of that, in the spring we moved to Rhode-Island, where I soon got into company, and was full of vanity. But my conscience would not let me be easy- After some sore trials and temptations, I was more comfortable, and had a great desire, I thought, to forsake all sin, and to comply with every commanded duty, I longed to join to the church ; but thought I was unworthy. I thought I thirsted for communion with God in the ordinance of the Lord's Supper, and used to think, if I came to that, it would certainly be a restraint upon me, so that I should not dare to sin as others did. And when I stayed to see the ordinance administered, I used to think I could give all this world, J were fit to attend it. My spirit would even sink within me for the longings I had. Sometimes I should weep so that I could not conceal it. One Sabbath, I went to hear Mr. Clap preach at his own house, where I inclined to go constantly; but my parents went to the other meeting, and were not pleased I should go from them : So I went but seldom. But at this time there was a girl of about fourteen years old baptised, which so affected me that I could hardly refrain from crying out in the meeting, when I thought how I had broken the covenant engagements, which my parents had made with God, in my behalf, in my infancy, and so long abused so great a privilege, as being a child of the covenant . And she who had not had so much done for her, should now come to desire it herself ! I saw, as I .thought, such a beauty in her, that I loved her entirely-, and wished to be as good as I thought she was. I made new resolutions to live answerable to the mercies I had received : Bat being made in my own strength I soon fell again. I thought I trusted in God ; and used frequently, in times of trial, to go and pour out my complaints to him, thinking he was my only support. But I dare not now be positive, or really conclude, that I knew what it was to put my trust in God ; for my conduct after this seems so inconsistent with grace, that I dare not say I had one spark of it then ; but rather think I was only under a common work of the Spirit: Though some times I think I had true grace, though very weak. God only knows how it was.

0 that he would enable me now to give diligence to make my calling and election sure, that I may not be deceived in a matter of so great importance. But to go on. After this (O that with deep humility of soul, with sorrow and shame, I could speak of it)

1 relapsed again, and was, full of vanity. I kept company with a young man, something against my parent's will. But that was owing to false reports raised of him ; for at first they liked him. I made resolutions, that, after I was married, I would lead a new life, flattering myself that then I should not have the hindrances which I now had. I used bitterly to reflect upon myself, when I had given myself liberty to be merry ; for though I appeared outwardly so, I had no real pleasure : But still put off repentance, or an entire breaking off from vanity, till a more convenient season ; and so resisted the Spirit of God, O Lord, how just hadst thou

16 ftEMOIRS OF

been, if thou hadst left me entirely to myself! And if thou hadst, nothing would have been too bad for such a vile wretch as I to have committed. But blessed be God, who withheld me from such sins as would have brought me to open justice, and exposed myself and family to shame and disgrace.

In process of time, I was married to Mr. Samuel Wheaton, being in my eighteenth year, October 21, 1731, and went with my husband, the next winter, to see his friends in the country ; where I stayed almost five months ; and was almost all the time under strong convictions. Oh, how I did sweat and tremble for fear my convictions should wear off again, and plead with God to set home strong convictions, and never, never suffer them to cease, till they ended in a sound and saving conversion ; till I knew and was sine that I had a saving interest in Jesus Christ, and was freely forgiven for his sake ! And this was the substance of my frequent prayers ever after, when I could pray at all with earnestness ; that J might never rest more, till I was sure my peace was made with God.

From this time I had a hope again, at times,, that Christ was mine. But it was some years after before 4t pleased God to answer it fully, by giving me an assurance of it. But then I longed again for the ordinance of the Lord's Supper, though sometimes shocked by that awful \cxiv " He who eateth and drinkeih unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself." But resolved at last, if I lived to get home, I would venture in obedience to the commandment of Christ ; and throw myself into

!«R». SABAH OSBORN. 1?

the arms of mercy. I longed to commemorate the death and sufferings of a crucified Jesus. I thought nothing should tempt me to delay any longer . But oh my sinful soul, must I yet add to the number of thy backsliding* ! Could not the time past suffice,, that thou hadst provoked a compassionate God ! Was it not enough, and more than enough, that thou hadst rebelled so long against a glorious Christ, and grieved his blessed Spirit ! But must I go on again, after such awakenings as these, which one would have thought impossible ! But, oh deceitful heart, thou didst, thou didst ! Lord, I blush and am ashamed, when I remember my notorious ingratitude. O break this heart of flint, dearest Lord, that it may melt into tears of contrition : And never suffer me to forgive myself, because thou hast forgiven me.

After I came home, I met with much affliction in many respects. It seemed to me that the whole world were in arms against me. I thought I was the most despised creature living upon earlh, I used to pray to God in secret to relieve me ; but did not, as I ought, see his hand in permitting it so to be, as a just punishment for my vile sins : And therefore was not humbled under it as I ought; but let nature rise, and acted very imprudently, in ma= ny respects. I was then with child, and often lamented that I was like to bring a child into such a world of sorrow : But sometimes found a disposition to dedicate my babe to God, while in the womb ; and did so, at all seasons of secret prayer. And,, after it was born, my husband being at sea^ I could b2 not rest till I had solemnly given it up to God in baptism. And I thought that I did indeed give up both myself and it to God.

I met with many trials in my lying in, it being an extreme cold season. My child was born on October 27, 1732. The next spring, my husband re-* turned home ; but went to sea again, and died abroad in November, 1733. I was then in my twentieth year. The news of my husband's death came to me on the first of the next April. And I was prepared the evening before to receive it, by being uncommonly exercised in my mind about spiritual things : And that text in Hebrews was continually in my thoughts, " How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?" This put me upon pleading with God, that I might not be found among the neglecters of it. I went to bed in a house all alone, my child being at my father's. And about eleven or twelve o'clock at night was awaked to hear the heavy tidings. But God appeared wonderfully for my support. I saw his hand, and was enabled to submit with patience to his will. I daily looked round me, to see how much heavier the hand of God was laid on some others, than it was on me, where they were left with a large number of children, and much involved in debt. And I had but one to maintain ; and, though poor, yet not involved. Others, I saw, as well as myself, had their friends snatched from them by sudden accidents. The consideration of these things, together with the thoughts of what I deserved, stilled me so, that though the loss of my

MRS. SARAH 08B0RN. 19

companion, whom I dearly loved, was great ; yet the veins of mercy, which I saw running through all my afflictions, were so great likewise, that with Job, I could say, " The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, and blessed be the name of the Lord." I had then the promises of the widow's God to plead, and seemed to cast myself more immediately upon his care, verily believing, as I thought, he would provide for me, with my fatherless babe ; for whom I often pleaded for covenant blessings, since he had been cast upon God from the womb.

O, how much comfort do those parents lose, who never gave their children up to God in baptism in their infancy! And how sad for children themselves to be deprived of the privilege of pleading with God for covenant blessings ! My being dedicated to God in my infancy always put an argument into my mouth, to beg of God that I might not cut myself off, since I was a child of the covenant, and from a child given to him in baptism. But, to return :

As before this affliction every one seemed to be enemies to me, so from that time, all became friends. My parents treated me very tenderly ; and God inclined every one who saw me to be kind to me. My brother was come into New-England: And being a single man, we went to house-keeping together. But in three months after he married, and I soon found it would not do to live as before ; and began to be thoughtful how I should do. I could see no way in which I could get a living. All doors seemed to be shut. But I verily believed that God would point out a way for me. And accordingly, the very day I came to a resolution to move as soon as I could, a stranger to my case, who kept a school a little way off, came to me, and told me that she only waited for a fair wind to go to Carolina ; and, if it would suit me, I should have her chamber and scholars ; which I joyfully accepted. Thus the widow's God remarkably provided for me. This was on November 19, 1734. I was then placed in a family, who discovered a great deal of affection for me ; and in all respects used me as tenderly as if I had been a near relation.

It pleased God the next May to lay his afflicting hand on me, by a sharp humour, which broke out in my hands, so that, for three months^ every finger I had was wrapped up in plasters ; and I could help myself but very little, and was under the doctor's hands. In the fall I was taken with violent fits, and was quite deprived of sense by them five days. I was blistered almost all over by the doctor ; and my hands and arms were all raw, from my fingers5 ends, up above my elbows, attended with a high fever. But all my friends were exceedingly kind to me, and those in the house took care of me, and of my children too ; so that my school was not broken up, till I was able to take care of it myself again. But the sharp humour continued very violent, at times, for some years : And still continues at some seasons* But, in all this time of illness,. God wonderfully provided for me. I wanted for none of the comforts of life : Neither was I cast down ; for his mercy held me up.

The instances of the remarkable hand of God in his providence, in ordering my temporal affairs, are innumerable. But, oh vile wretch ! after all this I grew slack again, and got into a cold, lifeless frame. As I grew better in bodily health, my soul grew sick. I daily laid up a stock for repentance. But, through rich grace, I was again convinced of my stupidity, and began to be more diligent in attending on the means of grace. But I found I could not profit by the word preached : Nothing reached my heart ; all seemed but skin deep : And the more I went to meeting, the more I found it so. Then I began to think I must take some other course.

Not long after I went to hear Mr. Clap'; who told me the very secrets of my heart in his sermon, as plain as I could have told them to him, and indeed more so. His sermon was very terrible to me. My sins, from my cradle, were ranked in order before my eyes, and they appeared dreadful. I saw the depravity of my nature ; and how I was exposed to the infinite justice of an angry God. All my former convictions were brought to my remembrance, I saw how I had stifled the motions of the blessed Spirit of God, and resisted all the kind invitations of a compassionate Saviour. I was heart-sick of all my works. And as it had been often suggested to me, I believe from Satan, that it was time enough for me to repent hereafter, it was now strongly impressed on my mind, that it was now too late fc: