Judge Haliburton's Yankee stories ...

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\^u oA Ja^/j c >r

JUDGE

HALIBURTON'S

Chapter I. The Trotting Horse

1 WAS always well mounted : I am fond of a horse^ and always piqued myself on having the fastest trotter m the Province. I have made no great progress in the world ; I feel doubly, therefore, the pleasure of not being surpassed on the road. I never feel so well or so cheerful as on horseback, for there is something exhilarating in quick motion ; and, old as I am, I feel a pleasure in making any person whom I meet on the way put his horse to the full gallop, to keep pace with my trotter. Poor Ethiope ! you recollect him, how he was wont to lay back his ears on his arched neck, and push away from all competition. He is done, poor fellow ! the spavin spoiled his speed, and he now roams at large upon * my farm at Truro.' Mohawk never failed me till this summer.

I pride myself, (you may laugh at such childish weakness in a man of my age,) but still, I pride myself in taking the conceit out of coxcombs I meet on the road, and on the ease with which I can leave a fool behind, whose nonsense disturbs my solitary musings.

On my last journey to Fort Lawrence, as the beautiful view of Colchester had just opened upon me, and as I was contemplating its richness and exquisite scenery, a tall thin man, with hollow cheeks and bright twinkling black eyes, on a good bay horse, somewhat out of condition, overtook me ; and drawing up, said, I guess you started early this morning, Sir? I did Sir, I replied. You did not come from Halifax, I presume. Sir, did you? in a dialect too rich to be mistaken as genuine Yankee. And which

I,: Tfl^ CLOCKMAKER.

vvay_ n-^^j^ j/fiu. be travelliag 1 asked my inquisitive comiffamcn. Tc^ Fort taw'i;encfe. Ah! said he, so am I, it is in my circuit. The word circuit sounded so professional, [ looked again at him, to ascertain whether I had ever seen him before, or whether I had met with one of those nameless, but innumerable limbs of the law, who now flo irish in every district of the Province. There was a keenness about his eye, and an acuteness of expression, much in favour of the law ; but the dress, and general bearing of the man, made against the supposkion. His was not the coat of a man who can afford to wear an old coat, nor was it one of ' Tempests and More's,' that distinguish country lawyers from country boobies. His clothes were well made, and of good materials, but looked as if their owner had shrunk a little since they were made for him ,* they hung somewhat loose on him. A large brooch, and some superfluous seals and gold keys, which ornamented his outward man, looked ' New England' like. A visit to the States had, perhaps, I thought, turned this Colchester beau into a Yankee fop. Of what consequence was it to me who he was — in either case I had nothing to do with him, and I desired neither his acquaintance nor his company — still I could not but ask myself who can this man be ? I am not aware, said I, that there is a court sitting at this time at Cumberland ? Nor am I, said my friend. What then could he have to do with the circuit ? It occurred to me he must be a Methodist preacher. I looked again, but his appearance again puzzled me. His attire might do — the colour might be suitable — the broad brim not out of place ; but there was a want of that staidness of look, that seriousness of countenance, that expression, in short, so characteristic of the clergy.

I could not account for my idle curiosity — a curiosity which, in him, I had the moment before viewed both with suspicion and disgust ; but so it was — I felt a desire to know_ who he could be who was neither lawyer nor preacher, and yet talked of his circuit with the gravity of both. How ridiculous, I thought to myself, is this ; I will leave him. Turning towards him, I said, I feared I should be late for breakfast, and must therefore bid him good morning. Moliavvk felt the pressure of my knees, and away we went at

THE TROTTING HORSE. 13

a slapping pace. I congratulated myself on conquering my own curiosity, and on avoiding that of my travelling companion. This, I said to myself, this is the value of a good horse ; I patted his neck — I felt proud of him. Presently I heard the steps of the unknown's horse — the clatter increased. Ah, my friend, thought I, it won't do; you should be .well mounted if you desire my company ; I pushed Mohawk farter, faster, faster — to his best. He outdid himself; he had never trotted so handsomely — so easily — so well.

I guess that is a pretty considerable smart horse, said the stranger, as he came beside me, and apparently reined in to prevent his horse passing me ,* there is not, I reckon, so spry a one on my circuit.

Circuit, or no circuit, one thing was settled in my mind ; he was a Yankee, and a very impertinent Yankee too. I felt humbled, my pride was hurt, and Mohawk was beaten. To continue this trotting contest was humiliating ; I yielded, therefore, before the victory was palpable, and pulled up.

Yes, continued he, a horse of pretty considerable good action, and a pretty fair trotter, too, ^ guess. Pride must have a fall — I confess mine was prostrate in the dust. These words cut me to the heart. What ! is it come to this, poor Mohawk, that you, the admiration of all but the envious, the great Mohawk, the standard by which all other horses are measured — trots next to Mohawk, only yields to Mohawk, looks like Mohawk — that you are, after all, only a counterfeit, and pronounced by a straggling Yankee to be merely * a pretty fair trotter !'

If he was trained, I guess that he might be made do a little more. Excuse me, but if you divide your weight between the knee and the stirrup, rather most on the knee, and rise forward on the saddle so as to leave a little daylight between you and it, I hope I may never ride this circuit again, if you don't get a mile more an hour out of him.

What ! not enough, I mentally groaned, to have my

horse beaten, but I must be told that I don't know how to

ride him ; and that, too, by a Yankee — Ay, there's the

rub— a Yankee what? Perhaps a half-bred puppy, half

Yankee, half blue-nose. As there is no escape, I'll try to make out my riding master. . Your circuU, said I, my looks expressing all the surprise they were capable of — your circuit, pray what may that be? Oh, said he, the eastern circuit — I am on the eastern circuit, sir. I have heard, said I, feeling that I now had a lawyer to deal with; that there is a great deal of business on this circuit — Pray, are there many cases of importance? There is a pretty fair business to be done, at least there has been, but the cases are of no great value — we do not make much out of them, we get them up very easy, but they don't bring much profit. What a beast, thought I, is this ; and what a curse to a country, to have such an unfeeling, pettifogging rascal practising in it — a horse-jockey, too — what a finished character ! I'll try him on that branch of his business.

That is a superior animal you are mounted on, said I — I seldom meet one that can travel with mine. Yes, said he coolly, a considerable fair traveller, and most particular good bottom. I hesitated ; this man who talks with such unblushing efTrontery of getting up cases, and making profit out of them, cannot be offended at the question — yes, I will put it to him. Do you feel an inclination to part with him ? I never part with a horse, sir, that suits me, said he — I am fond of a horse — I don't like to ride in the dust after every one I meet, and I allow no man to pass me but when I choose. Is it possible, I thought, that he can know me ; that he has heard of my foible, and is quizzing me, or have I this feeling in common with him ? But, continued I, you might supply yourself again. Not on this circuit, I guess, said he, nor yet in Campbell's circuit. Campbell's circuit — pray, sir, what is that ? That, said he, is the western — and Lampton rides the shore circuit ; and as for the people on the shore, they know so little of horses, that Lampton tells me, a man from Aylcsford once sold a hornless ox there, whose tail he had cut and nicked, for a horse of the Goliath breed. I should think, said I, that Mr. Lampton must have no lack of cases among such enlightened clients. Clients, sir ! said my friend, Mr. Lampton is not a lawyer. I beg pardon, I thought you said he rode the circuit. We call it a circuit, said the stranger, who seemed by no means flattered by the mistake — we divide the Province, as in the Almanack, into circuits, in each of which we separately carry on our business of manufacturing and selling clocks. There are few, I guess, said the Clockmaker, who go upon tick as much as we do, who have so little use for lawyers ; if attorneys could wind a man up again, after he has been fairly run downy I guess they 'd be a pretty harmless sor of folks.

This explanation restored my good humour, and as 1 could not quit my companion, and he did not feel disposed to' leave me, I made up my mind to travel with him to Fort Lawrence, the limit of his circuit.

Chapter II. The Clockmaker

I HAD heard of Yankee clock pedlars, tin pedlars, and bible pedlars, especially of him who sold Polyglot Bibles {all in English) to the amount of sixteen thousand pounds The house of every substantial farmer had three substantia', ornaments, a wooden clock, a tin reflector, and a Polyglot Bible. How is it that an American can sell his wares, at whatever price he pleases, where a blue-nose would fail to make a sale at all ] I will inquire of the Clockmaker the secret of his success.

What a pity it is, Mr. Slick, (for such was his name) what a pity it is, said I, that you, who are so successful ia teaching these people the value of clocks, could not also teach them the value of time. I guess, said he, they have got that ring to grow on their horns yet, which every four year old has in our country. We i-eckon hours and minutes to be dollars and cents. They do nothing in these parts but cat, drink, smoke, sleep, ride about, lounge at taverns make speeches at temperance meetings, and talk abou ^^ House of Assembly. ^^ If a man don't hoe his corn, an he don't hoe a crop, he says it is all owing to the Bank and if he runs into debt and is sued, why he says the lawyers are a curse to the country. They are a most idle set of folks, I tell you.

But how is it, said I, that you manage to sell such an immense number of clocks, (which certainly cannot be called necessary articles) among a people with whom there seems to be so great a scarcity of money ?

Mr. Slick paused, as if considering the propriety of an swering the question, and looking me in the face, said, in a confidential tone. Why, I don't care if I do tell you, for the market is glutted, and I shall quit this circuit. It is done by a knowledge of soft sawder and human natur. But here is Deacon Flint's, said he, I have but one clock left, and I guess I will sell it to him.

At the gate of a most comfortable looking farm house stood Deacon Flint, a respectable old man, who had understood the value of time better than most of his neighbours, if one might judge from the appearance of every thing about him. After the usual salutation, an invitation to " alight" was accepted by Mr. Slick, who said, he wished to take leave of Mrs. Flint before he left Colchester.

We had hardly entered the house, before the Clockmaker pointed to the view from the window, and, addressing himself to me, said, if I was to tell them in Connecticut, there was such a farm as this- away down east here in Nova Scotia, they wouldn't believe me — why there aint such a location in all New England. The deacon has a hundred acres of dyke — Seventy, said the deacon, only seventy. Well, seventy ; but then there is your fine deep bottom, why 1 could run a ramrod into it — Interval, we call it, said the Deacon, who, though evidently pleased at this eulogium, seemed to wish the experiment of the ramrod to be tried in the right place — Well, interval if you please, (though Professor Eleazar Cumstick, in his work on Ohio, calls them bottoms,) is just as good as dyke. Then there is that water privilege, worth 3,000 or 4,000 dollars, twice as good as what Governor Cass paid 15,000 dollars for. I wonder, Deacon, you don't put up a carding mill on it; the same works would carry a turning lathe, a shingle machine, a

circular saw, grind bark, and . Too old, said the

Deacon, too old for all those speculations — Old, repeated ♦he

Clockmaker, not you ; why you are worth half a dozen of the young men we see now-a-days ; you are young enough to have — here he said something in a lower tone of voice, which I did not distinctly hear ; but whatever it was, the Deacon was pleased, he smiled and said he did not think of such things now.

But your beasts, dear me, your beasts must be put in and have a feed ; saying which, he went out to order them to be taken to the stable.

As the old gentleman closed the door after him, Mr. Slick drew near to me, and said in an under tone, that is what I call " soft saiDder.^^ An Englishman would pass that man as a sheep passes a hog in a pasture, without looking at him ,* or^ said he, looking rather archly, if he was mounted on a pretty smart horse, I guess he'd trot away, if he could. Now I find — Here his lecture on " soft sawder^'' was cut short by the entrance of Mrs. Flint. Jist come to say good bye, Mrs. Flint. What, have you sold all your clocks \ Yes, and very low, too, for money is scarce, and I wished to close the concarn ; no, I am wrong in saying all, for I have just one left. Neighbor Steel's wife asked to have the refusal of it, but I guess I won't sell it ; I had but two of them, this one and the feller of it, that I sold Governor Lincoln. General Green, the Secretary of State for Maine said he'd give me 50 dollars for this here one — it has composition wheels and patent axles, it is a beautiful article — a real first chop — no mistake, genuine superfine, but I guess I'll take it back ; and beside. Squire Hawk might think kinder harder, that I did not give him the offer. Dear me said Mrs. Flint, I should like to see it, where is it 1 It is in a chest of mine over the way, at Tom Tape's store, I guess he can ship it on to Eastport. That's a good man, said Mrs. Flint, jist let's look at it.

Mr. Slick, willing to oblige, yielded to these entreaties and soon produced the clock, a gawdy, highly varnished, trumpery looking affair. He placed it on the chimney piece, where its beauties were pointed out ond duly appreciated by Mrs. Flint, whose admiration was about ending in a proposal, when Mr. Flint returned from giving his directions about the care of the horses. The Deacon praised the clock, he too thought it a handsome one ; but 2* the Deacon was a prudent man, he had a watch — he wag sorry, but he had no occasion for a clock. I guess you're in the wrong furrow this time. Deacon, it aint for sale, said Mr. Slick ; and if it was, I reckon neighbour Steel's wife would have it, for she gives me no peace about it. Mrs. Flint said, that Mr. Steel had enough to do, poor man, to pay his interest, without buying clocks Ibr his wife. It's no concarn of mine, said Mr. Slick, as long as he pays me, what he has to do, but I guess I don't want to sell it, and besides it comes too high ; that clock can't be made at Rhode Island under 40 dollars. Why it ain't possible, said the Clockmaker, in apparent surprise, looking at his watch, why as I'm alive it is 4 o'clock, and if I hav'nt been two hours here — how on airth shall I reach River Philip to-night? I'll tell you what, Mrs. Flint, I'll leave the clock in your tare till I return on my way to the States — I'll set it a going and put it to the right time.

As soon as this operation was performed, he delivered the key to the Deacon with a sort of serio-comic injunction to wind up the clock every Saturday night, which Mrs. Flint said she would take care should be done, and promised to remind her husband of it, in case he should chance to forget it.

That, said the Clockmaker, as soon as we were mounted, that I call * human natur /' Now that clock is sold for 40 dollars— *it cost me just 6 dollars and 50 cents. Mrs. Flint will never let Mrs. Steel have the refusal — nor will the Deacon learn until I call for the clock, that having once indulged in the use of a superfluity, how difficult it is to give it up. We can do without any article of luxury we have never had, but when once obtained, it is not ' in human natur'' to surrender it voluntarily. Of fifteen thousand sold by myself and partners in this Province, twelve thousand were left in this manner, and only ten clocks were ever returned — when we called for them, they invariably bought them. We trust to ' soft sawder^ to get them into the house, and to ^ human natur^ that they never come out of it.

THE SILENT GIRLS. 1

Chapter III. The Silent Girls

Do you see them are swallows, said the ClockmM^er now low they fly ? Well, I presume, we shall have rain right away, and them noisy critters, them gulls, how close they keep to the water, down there in the Shubenacadie , well that's a sure sign. If we study natur, we don't want no thermometer. But I guess we shall be in time to get under cover in a shingle-maker's shed, about three miles ahead on us.

We had just reached the deserted hovel when the rainfell in torrents.

I reckon, said the clockmaker, as he sat himself down on a bundle of shingles, I reckon they are bad off for inns in this country. When a feller is too lazy to work here, he paints his name over his door, and calls it a tavern, and as like as not he makes the whole neighbourhood as lazy as himself — it is about as easy to find a good inn in Halifax as it is to find wool on a goat's back. An inn, to be a good concarn, must be built a purpose, you can no more make a good tavern out of a common dwelling-house, I expect, than a good coat out of an old pair of trowsers. They are eternal lazy, you may depend — now there might be a grand spec made there in building a good Inn and a good Church. What a sacrilegious and unnatural union, said I, with most unaffected surprise. Not at all, said Mr. Slick, we build both on speculation in the States, and make a good deal of profit out of 'em too, I tell you. We look out a good sightly place in a town like Halifax, that is pretty considerably well peopled, with folks that are good marks ; and if there is no real right down good preacher among them, we build a handsome Church, touched off like a New York liner, a real taking looking thing — and then we look out for a preacher, a crack man, a regular ten horse power chap" — well we hire him, and we have to give pretty high wages too, say twelve hundred or sixteen hundred dollars a year. We take him at first on trial for a Sabbath or two, to try his paces, and if he takes with the folks, if he goes down well, we clinch the bargain and let and sell the pews ; and, I tell you, it pays well and n\akes a real good investment. There were few better specs among us tlian Inns and Churches, .until the Railroads came on the carpet : as soon as the novelty of the new preacher wear's^ off, we hire another, and that keeps up the steam. I ^rust it will be long, very long, my friend, said I, ere the rage for speculation introduces " the money changers into the temple," with us.

Mr. Slick looked at me with a most inefTable expression of pity and surprise. Depend on it, sir, said he, with a most philosophical air, this Province is much behind the intelligence of the age. But if it is behind us in that respect, it is a long chalk ahead on us in others. I never seed or heard tell of a country that had so many natural privileges as this. Why there are twice as many harbours and water powers here, as we have all the way from Eastport to New Orleens. They have all they can ax, and more than they desarve. They have iron, coal, slate, grindstone, lime, fire-stone, gypsum-, freestone, and a list as long as an auctioneer's catalogue. But they are either asleep, or stone blind to them. Their shores are crowded with fish, and their lands covered with wood. A government that lays as light on 'em as a down counterpin, and no taxes. Then look at their dykes. The Lord seems to have made 'em on purpose for such lazy folks. If you were to tell the citizens of our country that these dykes had been cropped for a hundred years without manure, they'd say, they guessed you had seen Colonel Crockett, the greatest hand at a flam in our nation. You have heerd tell of a man who couldn't see London for the houses, I tell you if we had this country, you could'nt see the harbours for the shipping. There'd be a rush of folks to it, as there is in one of our inns, to the dinner table, when they sometimes get jammed together in the door-way, and a man has to take a running leap over their heads, afore he can get in. A little nigger boy in New York found a diamond worth 2,000 dollars ; well, he sold it to a watchmaker for 50 cents — the little critter did'nt know no better. Yovr i^eople arc just

THE SILEXT GIRLS. 21

like the nigger boy, they don't know the value of their diamond.

Do you know the reason monkeys are no good ? because they chatter all day long — so do the niggers — and so do the blue^'^oses of Nova Scotia — it 's all talk and no work ; now with us its aV woi-k and no talk ; in our ship-yards, our factories, our mills, and even in our vessels, there's no talk — a man can't work and '.dlk too. I guess if you were at the factories at Lowell we'd show you a wonder — Jive hundred galls at ivork together all in silence. I don't think our great country has such a real natural curiosity as that — ^I expect the world don't contain the beat of that ; for a woman's tongue goes so slick of itself, without water power or steam, and moves so easy on its hinges, that it's no easy matter to put a spring stop on it, I tell you — It comes as natural as drinkin mint julip.

I don't pretend to say the galls don't nullify the rule, at intermission and arter hours, but when they do, if they don't let go, then its a pity. You have heerd a school come out, of little boys. Lord, its no touch to it ; or a flock of geese at it, they are no more a match for 'em than a pony is for a coach-horse. But when they are at work all's as still as sleep and no snoring. I guess we have a right to brag o' that invention — we trained the dear critters, so they don't think of striking the minutes and seconds no longer.

Now the folks of Halifax take it all out in talking — they talk of steam-boats, whalers, and rail-roads — but they all end where they begin — in talk. I don't think I'd be out in my latitude, if I was to say they beat the women kind at that. One fellow says, I talk of going to England — another says, I talk of going to the country — while a third says, I talk of going to sleep. If we happen to speak of such things, we say, * I'm right off down East ; or I'm away off South,' and away we go jist like a streak of lightning.

When we want folks to talk, we pay 'em for it, such as our ministers, lawyers, and members of congress ; but then we expect the use of their tongues, and not their hands; and when we pay folks to work, we expect the use of their hands, and not their tongues. I guess work don't come kind o' natural to the people of this Province, no more than it does to a<full bred horse. 1 expect they think they have a little too much blood in 'em for work, for they are near about as proud as they are lazy.

Now the bees know how to sarve out such chaps, for they have their drones too. Well, they reckon its no fun, a making honey all summer for these idle critters to eat all winter — so they give 'em Lynch Law. They have a regular built mob of citizens, and string up the drones like the Vixburg gamblers. Their maxim is, and not a bad one neither, I guess, ' no work no honey.'

Chapter IV. Conversations At The River Philip

It was late before we arrived at Pugnose's Inn — the evening was cool, and a fire was cheering and comfortable. Mr. Slick declined any share in the bottle of wine, he said he was dyspeptic ; and a glass or two soon convinced me, that it was likely to produce m me something worse than dyspepsy. It was speedily removed, and we drew up to the fire.

Taking a small penknife from his pocket, he began to whittle a thin piece of dry wood, which lay on the hearth ; and, a(j^r musing some time, said, I guess you've never been in the States. I replied that I had not, but that before I returned to England I proposed visiting that country. There, said he, you'll see the great Daniel Webster — he's a great man, I tell you ; King William, number 4, I guess, would be no match for him as an orator — he'd talk him out of sight in half an hour. If he was in your House of Commons, I reckon he'd make some of your great folks look pretty streaked — he's a true patriot and statesman, the first in our country, and a most particular cute Lawyer. There was a Quaker chap too cute for him once tho'. This Quaker, a pretty knowin' old shaver, had a cause down to Rhode Island ; so he went to Daniel to hire him to go down and plead his case for him ; so says he, Lawyer Webster,

CONVERSATIONS AT THE RIVER PHILIP. 23

what's your fee? Why, says Daniel, let~me see, I have to go down South to Washington, to plead the great insurance case of the Hartford Company — and I've got to be at Cincinnati to attend the Convention, and I don't see how I can go to Rhode Island without great loss and great fatigue ; it would cost you may be more than you'd be willing to give.