The History of Vanillo Gonzales, Surnamed the Merry Bachelor

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Contents

CHAPTER PACE

I. The birth and parentage of Vanillo ; and the kind of

education he received i

Chapter I. The Birth And Parentage Of Vanillo ; And The Kind

OF EDUCA TION HE RECEIVED.

Statius opens his Thebaid with the rape of Europa, as the first cause of the foundation of Thebes. But do not be alarmed, my kind reader ; I will not be induced, by his example, to commence the story of my life by informing you who were my ancestors in the reign of Pelagus. It is dangerous to dive too deeply into the history of one's relations; and I must acknowledge that I should feel greatly embarrassed if I were obliged to speak even of my grandfathers, of whom I never received any very clear or satisfactory information. With the characters of my father and mother, however, I am well acquainted. They were engaged in professions of very opposite kinds ; for while my mother was employed in bringing people into the world, my father was equally industrious in

A putting them out of it. In short, my father, Mr. Stephen Gonzales, was a venerable doctor of physic; and my mother, like the mother of Socrates, was a midwife.

My father having taken his degrees in the university of Alcala, chose the city of Murcia for the place of his residence and the scene of his medical enterprises ; and he was so fortunate as to become, in a short time, the most fashionable physician of the country, though there was nothing new in his modes of practice, for he followed implicitly the prescriptions of the ancients, and therefore whenever a patient fell a victim to his advice, an event which recurred but too frequently, he used to say that it certainly was not his fault.

Being one day called in to attend a difficult parturition, in which my mother, then unmarried, assisted, he was so charmed with her youth, her beauty, and the dexterous manner in which, under his inspection, she exercised her obstetric talents, that he soon afterwards married her, and I was the first fruit of this union. My mother, in about three years afterwards, was delivered of a daughter, who was borne to the baptismal font by a neighbouring gentleman and his female friend, and christened Inesilla ; a name since rendered extremely celebrated, as the reader will perceive by the sequel of this history.

As the wives of physicians generally die before their husbands, my father lost his professional associate before I had attained the ninth year of my age. Being placed as a boarder at one of the first schools in the city, where I was instructed in the rudiments of the Latin tongue, my progress in learning was so rapid that I was, in a short time, qualified to enter into the third class at the university of Salamanca, where it was intended I should be sent, to complete my studies. But at this important period of my life my father was seized with a violent disorder ; and, treating his complaint according to the prescriptions of Hippocrates, soon left my sister and myself orphans to bewail his loss.

Damien Carnicero, my mother's brother, the most celebrated surgeon in Murcia, and my godfather, took us under his care. Conceiving that I was more likely to succeed in his profession than in that of my father, who, accredited as he was for medical skill, had not died rich, he took me immediately from school, and bound me apprentice to himself. Like other apprentices, I was at first obliged to sweep the shop, to draw water from the well, to wash the shaving-cloths, and to heat the curling-irons. I had at this time just entered into the fourteenth year of my age, and being a thoughtless, giddy, gay, lively lad, I acquired the nickname of Merry Pin. At the expiration of two months, I was permitted to handle and instructed how to use the razor. A poor beggar, who came to ask a charitable shaving at the shop, was the first subject on which I tried my skill in surgery : for as my uncle and his assistant were both abroad, the operation of course devolved upon me. Desiring the poor mendicant to seat himself on a bench which was appropriated to these kind of customers, I placed a dirty shop-cloth beneath his chin, and lathered him so spiritedly about the nose, mouth, and eyes, that he grinned like an old monkey tormented by its keeper. But things took a very different turn when I began to use the razor: for the instrument, unfortunately for my patient, was so perverse, that at every stroke it might be said rather to carry away the flesh than to shave off the beard.

" My little friend/' exclaimed the beggar, not being able any longer to endure the pain he felt, " pray tell me whether you are shaving my beard or stripping my skin?"

" Both," replied I ; " for your beard, my honest fellow, is so thick and stubborn, that it is impossible to take off the one without injuring the other."

My uncle, who entered the shop just as I had finished my operation, could scarcely refrain from laughing at the ludicrous figure which the mangled face of the poor devil presented to his view; but, assuming a solemn countenance, he presented the sufferer with a few pieces of money, in order to alleviate the misfortune of having fallen under my hands.

This poor fellow most probably took great care to circulate intelligence of the extent of my skill in shaving to all his brethren ; for from that hour no beggar has ever ventured to ask charity at the shop.

My uncle severely reprobated my conduct ; and, to punish me for having acquitted myself so badly, interdicted me from using the razor until farther orders. The scissors, however, I was still permitted to wield. One morning, a young student of the university came to the shop for the purpose of having his hair dressed. The task was assigned to me. This young gentleman was the son of an eminent woollen-draper ; and my uncle, to have a watchful eye upon my proceedings, chose to be present during this operation, that I might be the more attentive to my duty. I succeeded tolerably well for some time, and cut his hair according to the fundamental rules of the art. In short, everything went on in the happiest way imaginable, until the moment I was about to make a finishing-stroke, when unfortunately forgetting that he had ears under his hair, I carried away at least half of one of them by a single clip of the scissors. The student uttered a dreadful scream ; and my kind protector was no sooner informed of the catastrophe than he bestowed upon me an equal and alternate quantity of maledictions and blows. Having applied these little correctives, which I well deserved, he dressed the wounds I had made, and accompanied the sufferer to his father's house, to whom he represented the injury as the accident of an awkward blockhead, whom he had left, by the severe punishment he had inflicted, half dead in the shop. The draper, sensible that no other compensation could be procured for this irreparable injury, was at length appeased by the story my uncle told him, and granted me his pardon.

The maledictions and blows, however, which my uncle had given me, were not the only punishments I received for this offence. I was now interdicted not only from shaving, but from cutting of hair, and every other surgical operation whatever, under pain of being strapped ; so that I was reduced exclusively to the exercise of my initiatory functions.

But my inevitable destiny counteracted the effect of these necessary restraints. One afternoon, while only my uncle and myself were at home, a man betwixt six and seven feet high, with a tremendous sword by his side, and of no very conciliating aspect, entered the shop. He had all the appearance of a Valient/; his hair was twisted, his hat fiercely cocked, with a large feather sprouting from one side of it, and his whiskers extended from the corners of his mouth

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At the same time he drew his sword to run me through the body ; but, before he could accomplish his design, I reached the door of the shop, and decamped with such rapidity, that in less than a minute I found myself at the extremity of the city ; so true is it that flying and running are essentially different

I sought refuge in the house of a mercer who lived in the suburbs, and who was distantly related to the family by my mother's side, where, conceiving myself free from all danger, " Now," exclaimed I, " let fate do its worst in this affair."

The mercer, on my representing to him the disaster which had happened, burst into an immoderate fit of laughter; and laying hold of the curling irons, which I still held fast in my hand, observed a large lock of hair with an incipient curl at the end of it, so long and bristly that it would have made an excellent bottle-brush.

I continued in my asylum, where my uncle, who immediately conjectured the place of my retreat, found me the ensuinsr dav. He told us that the enraged gentleman, having exhausted his anger in a thousand horrid imprecations against me, was at length appeased by the apologies he made, and went away.

My uncle carried me home to his shop, severely lectured my misconduct, and seemed to despair of my attaining any great proficiency in the arts of surgery. The shame of ignorance, however, urged me to industry, and in a short time I acquired so complete a knowledge of the use of the razor and the scissors,' that I could shave without flaying the skin and dress without amputating the ears of his patients.

I even attained some knowledge of the use of the lancet, although I must candidly confess, that in the first operation which I performed with this instrument I disabled the sword-arm of a young soldier, whom I was entrusted to bleed ; for, having heard that Hippocrates, in his Treatise on Phlebotomy, recommends a large orifice, I made one which appeared rather like the wound of a lance than the incision of a lancet; and my patient, perhaps, was extremely fortunate that he escaped with only losing the use of his arm.

Indeed, I could not be anywhere so well situated to learn the art of butchery, rather than that of adroit surgery, as with my protector Damien Carnicero ; and I was perfectly astonished that any person should be so foolish as to place himself under his hands; for he was bigoted to the practice of the ancients, and followed their precepts with scrupulous precision and severity.

A few instances of his mode of practice, in particular cases, will completely exhibit his professional character. In venaesection, he made the incision transversely ; and to close the orifice either choked the vein with a silk cord, or cauterised the wound with a red-hot iron. To relieve a patient from the pangs of the gout, he made punctures on the afflicted part with needles put together in the form of a brush, and dissipated all scrofulous swellings by pricking the parts with the sharp points that grow on a thornback's tail. A nasal haemorrhage he stopped by making a transverse incision from one part of the forehead to the other, or rather two incisions, in the shape of St. Andrew's Cross, all round the hairy part of the head. The most powerful caustics were constantly applied to the hip, loins, and thighs, to remove sciaticas ; and he extracted the headache by placing red-hot irons on each side of the nostrils, temples, cheeks, and under the chin. The element of fire, in short, was his grand specific for the cure of every disorder ; and the belly, legs, and thighs of dropsical persons were fried or broiled without mercy. But, as It sometimes happened, whenever a refractory patient obstinately refused to try the effect of these salutary ordeals, he humanely accommodated his practice to the weakness of the patient ; and, under pretence of employing a more anodyne remedy than fire, he scalded the flesh with hot water or boiling oil, unless they preferred being singed with ignified sulphur, spirits of wine, gunpowder, melted lead, or liquified glass.

This able professor, anxious to instruct me in all the mysteries of the healing art, frequently carried me with him when he had any grand operation to perform ; but, instead of affording information to my mind, he tortured every feeling of my heart. I am sure that I should have endured, without complaining, all the pains that can afflict mankind, rather than have undergone the mildest of his remedies. He was, however, principal surgeon to the hospital of Murcia, where I constantly attended him, to learn this art of broiling people into health.

Leaving me one morning by the bedside of a man who had been broiled in various ways for the dropsy, the unhappy sufferer entreated me with doleful cries to afford him one drop of water, to assuage the raging thirst by which he was devoured. The heart of a surgeon should be inexorable to the cries of his patient, but, unable to resist the affecting entreaty lO which was made to me upon this occasion, I presented to his lips a large jug half full of water, which he seized with avidity between his hands, and emptied in a moment. No sooner, however, had I afforded him this comfort than he fainted away, and experienced, by an almost instantaneous death, a perfect relief from all his complaints.

Great as my regret was at having thus rashly listened to the voice of pity, it did not prevent me from profiting by the fatal event my kindness had occasioned : for, perceiving the strings of a purse just peeping from the fob of his breeches, which lay under the pillow on which his head reclined, I felt a strong inclination to take it away, and my virtue was too weak to resist so powerful a temptation. I accordingly drew away the purse, which was not an empty one, from the pocket, and, hastily concealing it, marched out of the hospital, leaving the deceased, whose heir I had thus become, without having given him the trouble to make a will in my favour.

VANILLO GONZALES. ii

Chapter II

VANJLLO RESOLVES TO QUIT THE PROFESSION OF SUR- GERY^ AND PROCEEDS TO SALAMANCA TO COMPLETE HIS STUDIES.

The impatience I felt to discover the value of the property which had so unexpectedly devolved upon me, would not permit me to go far without satisfying my curiosity. Stopping, therefore, at the first convenient place for the purpose, I untied the strings of the purse, and discovered that it contained five-andthirty beautiful doubloons, as new and shining as if they had been just coined, together with a* small packet containing a ring set with brilliants, which, though ignorant of the quality of precious stones, I concluded to be of great value. What a treasure to a poor lad, who, until this moment, had never touched a piece of gold I I thought my fortune was made.

" Possessed of such riches,'* said I to myself, *' I cannot do better than to proceed to Salamanca, and finish my studies by attending a course of philosophy. I shall make a princely figure at the university. It is certainly more congenial to my disposition to adopt the pursuits of literature, than to continue the vile profession in which I am at present engaged. Adieu, then, to surgery, both ancient and modern! I will quit the city of Murcia immediately." In short, without even an inclination to say farewell to my uncle, who, without doubt, would have opposed my design, I instantly set off on the road to Salamanca.

Walking closely along the banks of the Segura, I arrived at the village of Molina, where, finding myself fatigued, I determined to pass the night, having already travelled twelve miles, which I thought a tolerable distance for the first day's journey. The master of the inn, in which I intended to lodge, perceiving a foot traveller without whiskers, no sword by his side, and but rather meanly habited, concluded from these appearances that I did not abound in money; addressing me in consequence with great familiarity, " Young gentleman," said he, " if I may judge by your appearance, you are not overloaded with silver, and will therefore, perhaps, have no objection to regale yourself with a nice bit of bread and a moderate quantity of cheese for your supper to-night."

Greatly mortified by this scornful and insulting address, "Sir," replied I, with asperity, "take notice, that although I may not be overburdened with silver, I have plenty of gold;" and immediately drawing the purse from my pocket, I exhibited to him a handful of the doubloons.

Surprise and astonishment seized the countenance of the host at this sight; and taking one of them in his hand to examine if it was real, "Ah ! you young rogue," said he, putting his finger to the side of his nose, "you have been robbing a tender-hearted father. You have an inclination to travel, and in order to insure yourself a kind reception on the road, have laid violent hands on the good man's treasures."

"You are deceived," returned I; "your conjecture is without foundation, for I have neither father nor mother alive. These double pistoles were given to me by uncles and aunts, who raised a contribution among themselves to enable me to proceed to Salamanca, to finish the studies I commenced at Murcia, the place of my nativity."

"Your friends, then," replied the host, "are very imprudent to send you alone with so much gold about you, upon the mules of St. Francis, to the distance of seventy-two miles from your own province. If you will follow my advice," added he, " you will continue your route to-morrow morning along the banks of the river until you arrive at Cruz de Caravaca, where you may bargain with a muleteer to conduct you to^ Cividad-Real, from whence you may reach Salamanca by the same kind of conveyance in five or six days."

I thanked my host for the friendly information he had afforded me; and, promising to follow ^is advice, asked what he could let me have for supper.

" I have really nothing in the house," replied he, /* but bread and cheese ; there is, however, a rich farmer in the neighbourhood who breeds poultry for the purpose of supplying the markets at Carthagena ; I will send to him and purchase a couple of chickens, with which I can make you a delicious fricassee; and I promise you not only excellent bread, but some of the finest wine in all Spain."

" You promise well," answered I.

"And I will keep my word," said he. "I talk, I know, like most of my fraternity, but I am determined to make you confess that there is at least one host in Spain who treats his customers with civility and good cheer."

And I acknowledge that I had no reason to be discontented either with his fare or his conversation. He possessed a lively fancy, and, contrary to the generality of Spanish innkeepers, was a very honest man ; at least he gave me great reason to think so, from the conversation I had with him during supper ; for, placing himself at the table to assist me in eating the fricassed chickens, he represented to me, with great gaiety and good-humour, the dangers to which I should be exposed at Salamanca, and without assuming the austerity of a moral preceptor, exhorted me carefully to avoid them.

The ensuing morning, when I took my leave of him, he wished me every possible prosperity; and addressing me with great gravity, "Young gentleman," said he, "I am inclined, in order to enable you ta guard against the dangers to which your youth is likely to expose you, to make you a present;" and he immediately presented me with a little box, containing a thread-paper and needles.

Surprised at so whimsical a gift, I asked him his reasons for making me such a present.

" I present them to you," replied he, " because there are three occasions upon which you may find a needle and thread particularly serviceable.

"First, Sew up your mouth whenever you may be tempted to speak mal-d-propos. Secondly, Sew up your purse whenever your generous feelings are likely to lead you into an idle expense. And as for the third sewing," added he, " I shall leave that to your own reflection, upon experience, to find out."

Bursting into a violent fit of laughter at this ludicrous conceit, I complied with his request, and accepting the box, promised to preserve it during

VANILLO GONZALES.

my life as a sacred testimony of his friendship and judicious counsel.

I then continued my journey, keeping the banks of the river until the close of the day, when I arrived at Cruz de Caravaca, where I found a muleteer, who, for a certain sum, agreed to carry me not only to Cividad-Real, but even to the city of Salamanca.

Chapter III

VANILLO, HAVING REACHED SALAMAHCAy PLACES HIMSELF IH A BOARDING-HOUSE^ THE MASTER OF WHICH INTRODUCES HIM INTO THE THIRD CLASS AT THE UNIVERSITY.

On my arrival at Salamanca, a place I had frequently wished with much ardour to see, I went into the vicinity of the university, and addressing myself to an old half-blind librarian, who was squinting for customers at the door of his shop, I requested him to direct me to a good tutor. V

" If you wish," said he, " for a tutor who is not only learned, but who also keeps an excellent table, I recommend you to Doctor Canizares ; a man you will be pleased with. He lives there," pointing with his finger to a house at a short distance : " you will hereafter thank me for directing you to a man who lives so hospitably, that his worst dinners are better even than the feasts of other tutors."

Relying implicitly upon [the recommendation of the old librarian, I went accordingly to the doctor's house, who, conceiving that I intended to increase the number of his inmates, received me with every demonstration of civility and respect.

The person of the doctor was extremely thin and tall, his skin dry and withered, his beard black, his eyes sunk into their sockets, and his cheeks hollow. It is strange, thought I, that a man the hospitality of whose board is so celebrated, should appear so lank and meagre; but perhaps it may be constitutional, for I remembered to have heard my uncle say, that bodies, though composed entirely of skin and bone, have sometimes such keen appetites, that if the devil should appear to them in the shape of victuals, they would swallow him horns and all.

Doctor Canizares inquired my name, the situation of my family, the place from whence I came, and my views in visiting Salamanca. I answered his questions in the way that seemed most advantageous to my interests; and, after further conversation, in which he assured me that I should not repent of having selected his house for my residence, he conducted me to a small apartment in the attic story, containing no other furniture than a chest of drawers, two chairs, a table, and a truckle-bed. " This, young gentleman," said he, " is your apartment, where you may deposit your clothes whenever you please."

"I have no clothes," replied I ; "but, thank God, I have that which will purchase whatever I may want ; and, to make your mind perfectly easy on my account, I am willing to pay you the first quarter in advance.'*

The doctor caught with eagerness at this proposal; and, on his telling me that his terms were forty pistoles a year, I took twenty doubloons from my purse, which I exhibited so as to attract his notice, and gave him five of them for my first quarters board and lodging. After having carefully examined each of them one by one, he assured me that no pains on his part should be spared to render me the most learned member of the University; inquired, with seeming anxiety, what progress

B

I had made in my studies ; and, interrogating me upon subjects of moral philosophy and the sciences, declared that I was well qualified to enter into the third class. This flattering appreciation of my abilities was followed by a promise, that he would undertake to procure my reception into the college without any examination, as the regent of that form was his intimate friend ; but while he was proceeding to recommend the study of the belles lettres, the bell summoned us to supper. We accordingly descended into a parlour, where, in a kind of refectory, stood a long and narrow table, at which were placed ten or twelve students, all of whom were about my own age, except two, who might, perhaps, have reached their twentieth year.

Having saluted the company on entering the room, and taken my seat at the table, my attention was attracted by the similarity of the messes which covered it. Before each student were placed morsels of bread about three ounces in weight, and two plates, in one of which were two onions, roasted on the cinders, and in the other a handful of nuts. The apparent frugality of the repast, ;ivhich did not in any degree correspond with the praises the librarian had bestowed on the liberality of the doctor, mortified me. Conjecturing, however, that it might be the evening of a fast, I consoled myself with the hope of better fare on the succeeding days. The same quantity of bread, onions, nuts, and a pint mug of wine, so abundantly diluted that I should have preferred the pure water to such a tasteless mixture, were also pleiced before me. But a keen stomach reconciles every species of food. I devoured my bread and onions, cracked my nuts, and drank my mixture with an avidity which, if the doctor observed me, must have convinced him that I was not a young man of a very squeamish appetite. My companions did equal honour to their respective portions; and everything on the table was so entirely eaten, cracked, and made an end of, that even a famished sparrow could not have picked up a single crumb.

The repast being finished, we rose from table to enjoy, in an open court adjoining to the room, the fineness of the evening. I soon made myself acquainted with my fellow-students, particularly with the eldest of them, who, after some conversation, drew me aside and asked me who it was that had been so much my enemy as to advise me to board and lodge with Doctor Canizares. I told him it was an old blear-eyed librarian who lived in the neighbourhood.

" Oh, the malicious wretch !" exclaimed he, bursting into a fit of laughter; "the old fellow was only joking with you ; for he, as well as the whole neighbourhood, well knows we are so scantily fed, that our temperance and frugality are the common subject of laughter."

" Why," replied I, " our supper convinced me that I was not in a very hospitable house ; and I assure you, I would change my situation to-morrow, if I had not foolishly paid the old rogue a quarter in advance."

**I should have left the house long before now," replied the student, "if the reason I have for staying was not much stronger than my inclination to depart"

" Why, what motive can you possibly have," said I, "stronger than hunger.^"

"I will inform you," replied the student. "The learning^ of Doctor Canizares is much greater than even his avarice. He possesses a complete knowledge of the Greek and Roman authors ; and I assure you, that, although he feeds the body upon slender diet, he is capable of furnishing the mind with a rich variety of curious and useful information ; and therefore it is that I content myself with his nuts and his onions."

" You afford me infinite consolation," exclaimed I. "I am, like you, disposed to endurethe pangs of an empty stomach for the sake of possessing a wellstored mind."

While I was engaged in this kind of conversation with my fcilow-student, whose name was Don Ramirez de Prado, the bell summoned us to bed ; and we soon afterwards parted, with reciprocal assurances of friendship and esteem.

On entering my chamber, I threw myself upon a bed harder than marble, the sheets of which were made of small rough towels, so coarsely sewed together that the seams were more annoying than the texture of the cloth. In defiance, however, of these inconveniences, I slept like a dormouse until nine o'clock the next morning.

While I was dressing, the Doctor entered the room, followed by a person whom he introduced to me as the family tailor usually employed by the young gentlemen in his house : " He waits on you," continued he, " with an offer of his services ; he is a skilful workman, and so conscientious in the way of business, that he never takes an inch of cloth too much."