Essays and phantasies

Contents

Introductory Note

I. The Angel

II. The Siren

I

"Your promised Reformation is so indispensable ; yet it comes not : who will begin it — with himself?" — Carlyle : French Revolution, vol i. book 2, chap. 8.

" l]ut the lofty spirits of my century discovered a new, and as it were divine counsel : for not being able to make happy on earth any one person,' they ignored the indivi(]ual, and gave themselves to seek universal felicity ; and having easily found this, of a multitude singly sad and wretched they make a joyous and happy people." — Leopardi : Palinodia.

" Whether the human race is progressing is a strange unanswerable philosophical question. Why is it not asked. Does the human race alter? This question is higher. Only from alteration can we draw any inference as to improvement or the opposite." — NovALis: vol.ii. p. 268.

In the old young years, when I could still wonder at things which are human, I now and then wondered how it came to pass that while so many learned and subtle treatises had been written to solve the question of the origin of evil ; treatises doubtless of great value if only the question would kindly condescend to be soluble ; there had yet been so few essays towards the extinction of the said evil. It seemed to me that the doctors were letting the sick man perish before their eyes, while they discussed at length the remote origin of his maladies, instead of the present condition and the treatment instantly required. And it seemed to me that even those who did concern themselves with the present condition of the patient, the charitable associations and philanthropists generally, acted not as doctors who hoped to cure, but were rather as kind nurses who tried to soothe the sufferer and lessen the pangs of his certain perishing ; they moistened his parched lips and wiped his damp brow, smoothed his pillow, tidied up his room, gave him narcotics and anodynes, humoured his sick caprices, spoke cheering words, and smiled vain hopes ; but with the horrible, devouring, mortal cancer they did not even try to contend. I have since heard that in recent times, say within the last hundred years, projects for the universal reform and beatification of mankind have begun to abound ; but as none of these (to the best of my knowledge) has been thoroughly realised, it follows that even if any of them are theoretically perfect they still remain practically imperfect, and that, therefore, the spacious ground is still to-let for system-building purposes. And I may modestly add that the said projects, in so far as I know anything of them, appear to derive from what I cannot but think a wrong principle ; so that in my own poor judgment (which naturally is for me the one best judgment in the world) I am bound to prefer my own proposals, which derive from what I must esteem the true principle.

But here I bethink me that some one may deny the need or use of any such project ; affirming (for what is there that some people will not affirm ?) that mankind and the condition of mankind are as near perfection now as they ever will or can be, and that for the extinction of what we call evil and misery the human race and the world in which it dwells must be extinguished. To such a one I will only repl}', before entering tranquilly on the exposition of my proposals, that he is far in the rear of our most advanced thinkers, and has but small share in the present glorious aspirations of Humanity ; that if he does not take heed to himself he is in danger of becoming a cynic, an odious, yelping, snappish animal that lives in a tub, and pulls to pieces even this house, in order to fling the staves at decent people and trip up passers-by with the hoops ; that if he feels no necessity, or has no hope, of becoming much better himself, the majority of us feel such want for ourselves, and have good hope that it shall be satisfied, if not in ourselves, yet in our more or less distant posterity, in which hope we find great and reasonable comfort ; and lastly, that it is quite plain Lhat myself and others would never weave projects and build systems for catching and caging the said evil and misery, if these did not actually exist, and were not to be caught and caged, just as there would never have been bird-traps and fishing-nets were there not birds and fish not only in being but liable to capture.

To me it seems clear that there are two radical universal reforms essential to the real triumph of any and every reform ever attempted or proposed, and that these two reforms once accomplished, all others will be found included in them ; and I therefore consider them as solely entitled to our study and exertions. For who wishing to fell a tree, would bring it down leaf by leaf and chip by chip, if it could be effectually axed from the ground? and who, wanting to purify a river, would filter it by bucketsful, if he could dam off the polluting drain higher up ? The two reforms, to which I have reduced this vast problem, are simply a universal change to perfection of nature and human nature : of which I think that we as men should enterprise the latter first. The radical reform of human nature consists merely in this, that every human being shall put off the seven cardinal with all the minor sins, follies and defects, and shall at once in lieu thereof put on the seven cardinal with all the minor virtues, wisdoms and graces ; or, in other words, that each shall annihilate in self the imperfect human nature, and create in self a perfect divine nature. When every human being has performed this easy double operation (of which the second part follows as naturally on the first as a step of the right foot one of the left), I am inclined to believe that the great work of the extinction of evil and misery, and the establishment of universal good and fehcity, will be more than half accompUshed. The radical reform of nature consists merely in this, that the universe shall be made altogether and exactly such as the perfect men shall require. With this second reform, I am further inclined to believe that the pilgrimage of man from hell on earth to heaven on earth will be completed ; that evil and misery, both as suffering and vice, will be extinct beyond resurrection ; that everybody will be good and happy ever}'- where evermore.

Some people, who have not bestowed upon this problem such long and painful thought as the writer, may at first sight deem that the radical universal reform of human nature, though of the utmost simplicity (being, indeed, but as putting off one suit of clothes and putting on another), will not be very easy to effect. But a little candid thought will prove to them that it must certainly be much less difficult than any of the merely partial and superficial reforms which have been and arc now being attempted ; all of which this supersedes amicably by inclusion. For hitherto nearly all plans of reform have been trying to get plentiful fruit from a barren tree, and clean water from a foul stream ; while this would first make the tree fruitful and the fountain pure. And hitherto nearly every reformer, whether social or political, moral or religious, has endeavoured to make a large number of men and women (not to speak of children), and has usually hoped to make in the course of time all other men and women (of whom no two can be quite like each other and no one quite like the reformer ; and of whose various characters and temperaments, minds, bodies and circumstances he could know little or nothing), think and believe and act in precisely the same way as himself. But in the scheme I venture to propose, every man will modestly limit himself to the reform of one person only ; which person he knows and loves infinitely better than any one else ; and which person is of exactly the same character, temperament, mind and body, and always situated in exactly the same circumstances, as himself, the reformer.

IL

As this point is of capital importance, I think it well to bring to my assistance against all previous and other reformers (for whom, however, my feelings are of the most benevolent nature), two or three passages from writers of authority. And first I will quote from one of the most solid and useful sections of one of the greatest works of perhaps the greatest of our divines ; Section ix. of "A Tale of a Tub :" being " A dissertation concerning the original, the use, and improvement of Madness in a Common wealtli." And I may remark that this subject has been strangely neglected by other philosophers, considering how much every Commonwealth, whatever its form of government, has been and still is indebted to this noble condition of mind. " For what man, in the natural state or course of thinking, did ever conceive it in his power to reduce the notions of all mankind exactly to the same length and breadth and height of his own ? Yet this is the first humble and civil design of all innovators in the empire of reason. . . . Now I would gladly be informed how it is possible to account for such imaginations as these in particular men, without recourse to my phenomenon of vapours ascending from the lower faculties to overshadow the brain, and there distilling into conceptions for which the narrowness of our mother-tongue has not yet assigned any other name besides that of madness or phrenzy." Montaigne also, who is usually so temperate in his language, cries out in a great passion of contemptuous indignation (book ii. chap. 32, " Defence of Seneca and Plutarch" ) : "It appears to each that the model form of human nature is in him ; all others should be regulated in accordance wdth him : the ways which are not as his ways are feigned or wrong. What beastly stupidity ! . . . Oh, the dangerous and insupportable donkeyishness! Qiielle bestial e stupid ite/ . . . O Vasnerie danger euse et iiisupportable!'' And the great Italian writer already quoted, Leopardi, says (" Dialogue between Tristan and a Friend ") : " The individuals have given way to the masses^ say elegantly the modern thinkers. . . . Let the masses do all ; though what they are to do without the individuals, being composed of individuals, I desire and hope to have explained to me by some of those now illuminating the w^orid who understand individuals and masses." The careful reader will remark that the sarcasm here hinted does not touch me, while it wounds nearly all other reformers ; they would reform by masses, I would reform by individuals ; and my plan, in brief, is the flourishing modern plan of division of labour carried to its utmost perfection in the moral world.

To make the distinction yet more clear, if possible, and more clear the inestimable superiority of my principle over any other, let me call attention to the very peculiar and almost incredible fashion in which great practical problems are worked out by the reforms and reformers still in vogue. As a very fair type of the reforms I will take the recent Electoral Reform Bill, whose logical outcome is universal suffrage, for greater stake in the country can no one have than dear life. The problem is : Given a vast number of timbers, nearly all more or less rotten, it is required to build a seaworthy ship. To which our Reform Bill answers in triumph : Let us use the whole lot indiscriminately ! Or in other terms : Given a foul and deformed body politic, full of all manner of diseases, required to make it pure, handsome and healthy. To which our Reform Bill answers cheerfully : Let us clothe it in fine new constitutional garments, with splints, bandages, padding, a good wig, a glass eye, a few false teeth, and so forth, and a complete cure will doubtless be effected ! Now I beg the candid reader to lay his hand upon his heart, and declare upon his honour whether he really can consider these enterprises very hopeful. The ship may turn out a very Great Eastern for hugeness, but she will be at least as unseaworthy as her timbers are rotten, however deftly put together ; and the more timbers the less cohesion. The diseased monster may be dressed out to look tolerably well as a dummy, but there will be even less life and health in him than before when he is strangled with ligaments and smothered with padding. The idea of working such stupendous marvels dwelleth not in me. My proposal modestly says : Let us get some sound timbers, and it will not be very hard to build with them a sound ship ; let us get the pure, handsome, healthy body, and the question of clothes will not give us much trouble.

Not many readers will, I think, deny that when every human being has become perfect, the whole human race or society will be perfect also. But even with such perfection attained, there would probably still exist among mankind a large amount of suffering if the universe remained as it is. For not only man, but also the world in which man lives (or supposes himself to live), is at present very imperfect. I do not inquire into the origin of this mundane imperfection, any more than I inquired into the origin of human evil ; I am content to propound a certain cure for both. How natural theologians manage to survey the world and find it all alive with divinity, find everywhere clear marks of a Creator infinite in goodness, wisdom and power, would certainly surprise me, if I were now capable of being surprised by any enormity of human folly or frenzy. For while in order to explain man's evil condition they have the excellent absurdities of Freewill and the Fall, even they do not pretend that the world has freewill, that it sinned and thus grew corrupt ; yet surely the world is about as badly off, as far from perfection, as man. Let me note a few of its maladies and defects. This poor earth of ours suffers dreadfully with colics, heartburns, violent vomitings, convulsions, paroxysms ; she has burning fire in her belly and heart ; and some of us always suffer directly or indirectly from the throes of her suffering. She has but one moon, while Jupiter has four, Uranus six, Saturn seven ; and her domains are much smaller than those of the majority of the other planets. She has been roughly crushed in at top and bottom, and these extremities are paralysed with cold ; and uncouthly swollen about the middle, where she burns with a fierce inflammation. Her beauty has been thus seriously damaged, and she is moreover blotched with nasty boils and

6o THE SPEEDY EXTINCTION

ulcers of geysers and volcanos. Her axis has been shamefully jarred from rectitude ; and her land and water are so unequally and irregularly arranged that she looks altogether lop-sided. Heat and light, with all things flowing from them, are very unfairly distributed over her body, and therefore among us who live upon her body. For such Uuht and heat as she gets, she has to keep whirling and spinning round the sun in the most undignified and wearisome manner. The animals she brings forth (not to speak of the plants and the minerals) are in many cases ugly, unamiable, ferocious, and tormented with monstrous appetites, which can only be satisfied by devouring their fellow-creatures; nearly all of them are quite selfish and immoral ; and the few of them that are philanthropic (such as surly old lions, tigers, wolves, sharks, vultures and other sweet carrion fowl ; all genuine lovers of man) are almost as disagreeably so as our human philanthropists themselves. She has no moral character at all, and her moods are most capricious and violent. In her dealings with man she is seldom fair, and the unfairness is nearly always against man : thus she hardly ever grants him w^hat he has not worked for, while she very often withholds from him what he has worked for. The ignorant creature knows nothing of the wise doctrines of Malthus, but spawns forth as many children of all sorts as ever she can, without the least prudential restraint. She has consequently far more than she can properly feed and rear ; so that a large part perishes in infancy (and we are told that none of these except the human sucklings will rise to another Hfe ; poor bereaved monkey and donkey mothers, for instance, being altogether without the precious consolations of immortality) ; a considerable part is eaten up by mankind and other hungry animals, and the remainder can seldom get food enough. And with regard to man in particular ; as the human race grows ever more numerous,

OF EVIL AND MISERY. 6i

■while the means of Mother Earth do not increase in proportion, she must age after age starve and half-starve more and more of us ; and thus in a few thousand years, if she and we exist so long (and unless, of course, these my beneficent proposals be carried out), slie will prove to us the stingiest old hag ever known. And looking beyond our own frigate the earth (of whose tender, the moon, I could say a good deal), and regarding our little fleet of the Solar System, we find that there is an absurd and perilous want of communication between the various vessels ; that w^e not only cannot pass or signal to any of the others, but in fact know next to nothing of them, and absolutely nothing of their crews ; so that in case of a threatened attack by corsair comet or shooting star we could concert no plan of common defence or evasion. Moreover, it is very doubtful whether the fleet is in a good position in the Sea of Space ; and whether our flag-ship the Sun, who leads us cruising whithersoever he likes, is taking a judicious course for a prosperous voyage, or is but hurrying on recklessly, and likely to lead us to " eternal smash " among breakers ; for not only are we never consulted as to the course, but we are never told anything about it when it has been settled, and so go drifting on for ever in a most ignominiously blindfolded fashion. And I might go farther still, and note many things in the universe beyond our system which probably need improvement or abolition ; but I really have not spare time just now.

I can only add a few short notes on things requiring amendment in the relation of Nature to Man. She treats our intelligence with profound disdain, never giving us the slightest trustworthy hint of her origin, character, business, processes, objects, and final causes, if indeed she really has any final causes or cause. She manifestly carries on her large business (whatever it really is) without any special care for our convenience or profit, being wont to ignore us with our plans and wishes in the most exasperating way. She turns us out into the world without giving us any choice in the matter ; though all other suffrages and freedoms are perfectly insignificant in comparison with that of which we are thus deprived, an effective and enlightened vote on the question : Shall I, or shall I not, be born ? She only keeps us alive by a complicated system of the most shameful illusions, falsifying beyond rectification life, death, and after-death. Having made us take part in this poor puzzling game of life, she has taken care that all the rules shall be unfavourable to us : the cards are marked, the dice are loaded, we are always swindled. Thus years of hard work and self-denial are frequently lost by a slip or chance, but seldom or never saved by a chance. Our health may be ruined by a pin-prick, but never doubled by an accident. We fall seriously ill in a moment, and take weeks or months to recover ; lose a limb by some sudden mishap, but never by a good hap regain it. We cannot reach even a low degree of wisdom or knowledge without long hard study, while to be ignorant and foolish is the easiest and most natural thing in the world for us. Our sorrows are real and enduring; our joys deceptive and transient; our prizes of victory are not to be compared with our forfeits of defeat. And so I might go on through an indefinite number of items in which we are unfairly dealt with ; but these scanty hints must suffice for the present. Scanty as they are, I think they show conclusively that nature needs improving and perfecting no less than does human nature ; and, in particular, that nature will have to be radically reformed in order to suit precisely our new perfect men.

III

\_NoTE ; personal., and therefore very interesting. — With that dreadful perversity of malice which, as all long-suffering contributors know, characterises editors in general, the editor of this National Refor7ner hath played me an evil trick. For whereas, knowing well that the more our dear public needs redemption, the more is it disgusted with him who tries to redeem it ; and knowing moreover that an editor's existence as editor strictly depends on the favour of this dear stupid public (the stoppage of the circulation of his periodical being quite as fatal to him as the stoppage of the circulation of his blood) ; I did with infinite generosity and self-sacrifice spontaneously and gratuitously furnish him with ample private and confidential notes for a public disclaimer on his part of any compHcity in this my celestial scheme of universal reform, so that the full reprobation of its transcendent merits should weigh upon myself alone : he thereupon, in spite of my solemn written protest, did print and publish the said confidential notes in my name, thus making me seem to damnify my own invaluable essay, and bringing into doubt my intense seriousness, that quality of my character which, as a great moral reformer, I esteem more than almost any other of the lofty and shining virtues which keep me in profound obscurity.

Having thus vindicated myself at the editor's expense, I hasten to add that I will forgive him this atrocious breach of confidence (whatever injury it may do myself and the good cause to which I am devoted) as soon as I have made myself divinely perfect ; but that in the meanwhile I am much tempted to exclude editors altogether from my scheme of salvation, as a class of men absolutely incorrigible. As the pious preacher pathetically exclaimed when he had been cruelly mauled by the newspapers : " Ah, my dear brethren, and beloved sweet sisters, do any of you still hope that a journalist, and even an editor, can be saved ? Verily, I say unto you, that if Jesus Christ Himself tried to haul up an editor into Heaven, the odds are more then ten to one that the editor would drag Him down into the Other Place ; more than twenty to one, if the editor had edited an atheistic or a religious periodical." Amen.]

Having thus stated as clearly as I can what the tw^o indispensable radical reforms are, I will go on to sketch my plan for speedily effecting them. But I must beg the reader to remark that I by no means lay so much stress on my particular process for bringing these about, as I do on my demonstration of the fact that these, and no others or other, are the reforms which must be brought about in order to extinguish evil and misery. In my diagnosis of the disease I have absolute confidence : the two (perhaps twin) maladies we must cure, to get a healthy and sane world, are imperfection in nature and imperfection in human nature. But thus much established, I do not pretend to assert that the physic and regimen I propose are the best that can be adopted ; and, indeed, I am wtII aware that the treatment will be infinitely improved as soon as the process of cure has commenced. For it is manifest that immediately the first man has reformed himself to divine perfection, he will know infinitely better than I, and than all the present foolish wisdom of the world, how to set about persuading every other living human being to follow his happy example. I am here simply concerned to show to our present imperfect intelligence that the work is quite practicable, even with such means as we can now discern ; and not only practicable, but a work which may be speedily and without much difficulty effected ; trusting that when I have shown all this, one or more persons ^vill be encouraged to take without delay the initial step (initial to the universal enterprise, complete journey for himself or themselves), and straightway proceed to carry out the faultless process which his or their perfect wisdom and goodness will dictate.

It is obvious that if every human being now alive should forthwith read this my humble essay, and be persuaded by its evident reasonableness, and without loss of time make himself or herself perfect, then no other machinery would be required to accomplish the universal reform of human nature here proposed. Such immediate consummation is devoutly to be wished ; but if I professed any hope of it I might be accused of an over-sanguine temperament ; an imputation 1 am extremely anxious to avoid, knowing how it has retarded the triumph of every zealous reformer. I am therefore led to consider the best commonplace practical means, such as we are all familiar with in our daily life, of quickly attaining the end in view.

Let us suppose that there are three persons virtuous and intelligent among those who peruse this paper. I am aware that the estimate is very high, and would be quite extravagant in the case of almost any other periodical ; and I certainly, for instance, would not venture to suppose such a great number among the readers of London's D. T. (which initials are commonly used to denote Delirium Tremens)^ although it assures us that it has the largest circulation in the world (it and our circumambient air, I presume ; and which is the more windy let the great God of Flatulence judge).* But I have been assured by various disinterested people connected with the National Reformer, such as the editor, the sub-editors, the publisher, the printer, and more

* Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's. I remember, ere too late, that Heine sings somewhere somewhat as follows : —

than one of the contributors, that its subscribers and regular readers are a very choice set indeed. I will therefore hazard the estimate that there are among them three virtuous and intelligent individuals who can appreciate my proposals, and will forthwith set about realising the same. This trio will form the nucleus of a provisional committee, the sole qualification demanded in whose members shall at first be the fact that they have each thoroughly performed upon self the simple operation above-mentioned ; each abolished in self the imperfect human nature, and substituted for it a perfect divine nature. I call this committee provisional, because I conceive that the members would not consent to its long existence, for fear of ruining their recently obtained moral and intellectual sanity. For our present wisest men (who, however, are mere idiots in comparison with the regenerate persons of whom I write) are unanimously of opinion that the being a member of any board or committee whatsoever utterly destroys the intellectual and moral nature of even the best and wisest, in all counsel and action connected with the said committee or board : so that it has been held that even the seven archangels, if constituted a special committee to further the glory of God (which surely is in sad need of furtherance), would without doubt make the Devil their managing director or secretary, and be wholly guided by him in all their corporate proceedings.

The work of the said provisional committee will simply consist in establishing and starting the Universal Perfection

The air is always airy,

Be it storm, be it zephyr mild ; The doubt is, which is airier,

The air, or you, my child?

This for the damsel ; for the journal translate wind, windy, windier.

Company, Unlimited, whose noble object the title clearly indicates. No promotion money whatever will be paid in any form ; and (for positively the first time in the history of joint-stock enterprise) tke whole of the profits will accrue to each of the Shareholders. This company will at once proceed to make known to all the world my two essential reforms, and to persuade all the world to carry them out, persuading every human being as the first step to make himself or herself perfect. It will print this sublime essay, or an improved version thereof (for these perfect gentlemen and ladies will write even better than myself), in all languages of the globe, and send missionaries to spread the glad tidings by word of mouth. As expenses for travelling, printing, postage, stationery, etc., etc., wall thus arise, it is probable that some small contribution in money, as well as the regenerate personal perfection, will be required for a time to qualify for membership. Suppose we fix the minimum of monetary contribution at twopence-ha'penny : and the rule w^ill be that any one shall be registered a member on forwarding to the committee a certificate of perfection signed by a member, together with full name, address and occupation, if any, and subscribing if able the sum of twopence-ha'penny, or any integral multiple thereof not exceeding ninety-six thousand times the said unit of contribution, being a maximum of ;£"iooo sterling, lawful money of Great Britain and Ireland, or its equivalent in any other currency ; every subscriber being bound to declare that he retains at least as much property for his own support as he gives for the support of the company.