The cyclopaedia of social usage; manners and customs of the twentieth century

Front matter

The Cyclopaedia of Social Usage

Manners and Customs of theTvventieth Century

Helen L. Roberts

Contents

CHAPTBK MGS

I. Introductions . . . .' . i

II. Calls *• • 37

Chapter One

The more elaborate phrases, once used for this ceremony, have fallen out of fashion. To-day we say: How to "Mrs. Browfij allow me to present Mr.

introduce Robinson," or, with even less formality:

"Mrs. Brown, Mr. Robinson."

When making an introduction, names should be enunciated clearly, and, in both forms given above, the rule followed is that of presenting the man to the woman. The mention of Mrs. Brown's name first, in the second of the two forms, implies this distinction, which the gentler sex almost invariably enjoys. Exceptions to this rule rarely occur. However, a very young lady, whether married or single, might be presented to an elderly and distinguished gentleman. It would be eminently correct to introduce Miss Brown to Senator Jones, to Justice R., to Admiral A., or General T. But these gentlemen must all be introduced to a matron, or to a lady past her debutanteship. Only to the President of the United

States and to a Cardinal, who takes rank as a prince of the Roman Catholic Church, are all women, of every age and social condition, presented.

Between women of nearly the same age and of equal social status, a married one is accorded a slight precedence on the occasion of an introduction. Between two matrons, all things being equal, no distinction is drawn; the introduction would be made thus:

"Mrs. A., I believe you do not know Mrs. B.; Mrs. B..Mrs.A."

Matronhood has no superior rights when an unmarried woman is the elder of two women and the occupant as well of an honored and important position. For example, you should present your yoimg friend, Mrs. B., to stately Miss A., the head of a college, or a notable philanthropist. Miss A. here takes the precedence, and, under the same rule, you should present your women friends, married or unmarried, to an eminent authoress, pianist, actress, or prinia donna. An exalted artist claims a rank that requires a mark of deference. Usually, to the wives of high civil, military, or naval officials other women are presented.

No American woman is ever presented to the holder of a foreign title. An English earl, a German baron, or an Italian marquis would be introduced to a lady quite as though he were a simple American citizen. No marked deference is, in the United States, shown to the title held by a foreign lady when introduced to one of her own sex. The distinction of age only would decide whether Lady B. should or should not be presented to Mrs. A. To a hostess, a feminine stranger tmder her roof would be presented, unless the guest were a personage of exalted position; as, for example, the wife of the

Introdvictions 3

President of the United States or the Governor-General of Canada.

To a hostess, a stranger and guest of either sex would naturally be presented, except the President of the United States, a foreign representative or statesman of exalted position, or a gentleman claiming some royal titles and prerogatives. Ordinarily a hostess is considered the lady of first importance in any assemblage. Under the same rule a masculine stranger is always presented to a host except in the case of the President or some foreigner holding a unique position. But a host does not claim this privilege of any woman, unless he is a venerable and distinguished person and the lady young and tmmarried.

When introducing two men of similar ages and equal social positions, it is only necessary to say:

"Mr. A., do you know Mr. B.?"

When introducing your acquaintances to your parents or grandparents, the presentations should be made thus — ^providing you and your progenitors have the same name : ^*^ef^^

"Mrs. B., I do not think you have met my mother, " — or

"Mother, may I present Miss A. and Mr. B.?"

Another form would be this:

"Mrs. A., I so wish my father to know you," — or

" Mrs. B., permit me to present my father. "

It is conventional to introduce a sister or brother, son or daughter, as my sister, or my son, etc., when the friend introduced may safely be left to infer that the name of your relative is the same as your own. But a married woman introduces her sister as my sister,

Miss (or Mrs.) B.; her mother, as my mother, Mrs. A. When introducing relatives, it is always more friendly and satisfactory to indicate the degree of relationship existing. Thus it is proper to say :

"My uncle, Mr. B. " — or . ' ' My cousin, Miss A."

On the other hand, when a gentleman makes an introduction between his better haJf and a friend, he does not use the expression:

"My wife, Mrs. B."

On introducing a man to your wife, the proper phraseology would be:

"Robinson, I wish to present you to my wife. "

When a husband presents a lady to his wife, the introduction is made according to the rules already given on page 2.

A wife introduces her husband formally to a lady in this way:

"Mrs. A., may I present my husband to you?"

When a woman's husband possesses the title of judge, general, or senatdr, she does not present him as Judge B. or General B.

When you have asked two persons to your house for the special purpose of making them known to each

other, or when your desire is to promote More e a orate conversation and a prompt understanding

between two strangers just introduced, you are privileged to elaborate somewhat on the foregoing stereotyped phrases. In the j&rst instance suggested above, you may pronounce the introduction thus:

" I am so pleased, Mrs. A., at the opportunity of having you and Mrs. B. meet, " — or

"Miss A., you will let me have the great pleasure of presenting Mr. B. to you,'' — or

"Miss Brown, this is my cousin, Mary L., who has long cherished a great desire to know you."

On the second special occasion referred to, a tactful -Jlistinct naturally suggests that some reference to the identify or tastes of the persons introduced will serve as first\^aid to conversation. When, then, you introduce a shy guest, you are privileged to say helpfully:

"Miss A., let me present Mr. B., who has motored all over t)ie portions of France you are proposing to visit in the spring," — or

/ "Mrs. A., you should know Miss B., who comes from /your part of the country. "

Some kindly elaboration on the wording usually prescribed for introductions often assists most beneficially in establishing immediate friendly relations. As a hostess you are frequently ^ ®®*?, '! entitled to use fuller formulas when introducing strangers who are to go in to dinner together, who are to sit side by side at Itmcheon parties, or who meet on your days at home. But this ticketing of a guest, as it is sometimes called, must not be carried to an excess. Indiscreet indeed, for example, is considered the lady who, with better intentions than discrimination, presents her friend as "the father-in-law of our famous novelist, John B.," or inconsiderately identifies an unassuming person as "Miss B., the cousin of Admiral T." Such a proceeding is not in good taste, since it implies that the friend introduced is laying claim to the poor distinction of reflected glory, or that you are somewhat boastfully determined to have it known that your drawing-room is frequented by at least the relatives of the renowned. And by the same token you must never, should a truly famous individual honor your roof, mention the great person's achievements when making any introductions in which the lion of the moment takes part. Bear in mind that celebrated folk are often peculiarly sensitive. The attitude you should assume as most complimentary to their fame is that it is too well known to require advertisement.

It is held not to be good usage, under the social standards of the United States, to utilize for a wife the professional title of her husband. In Germany, these titles belong to the wife as a matter of social right, and they doubtless have some convenience for a quick decision on the part of the hostess in arranging precedence with guests with whom she is not famiUar. One does, from time to time, in American circles, hear the husband's title connected with the wife, as Mrs. General A., ot Mrs. Dr. B.: but such a practice may be properly classed as an error, and it should certainly be discouraged. Even the wives of our presidents have never assumed any official title and have been introduced as Mrs. Cleveland, Mrs. Roosevelt, Mrs. Taft, etc.

If the occasion arises for introducing an individual who claims something more distinctive than the simple Mr. before his surname, try to take every tittedSns P^'ecaution to employ the title very correctly. Do not present naval and military men otherwise than as Mr. A. or Mr. B. unless you know that their rank carries the use of a title, and, on the other hand, remember that to ignore a legitimate title is to be guilty of a serious error. Never introduce a Protestant clergyman as The Reverend John Jones, or

The Reverend Mr. Jones. Unless a clergyman claims the use of the title Doctor, he is spoken to and of as Mr. Sometimes it is both graceful and discreet to introduce ■ a reverend gentleman thus :

"Mrs. A., let me present Mr. B., our new rector," — or

"Mr. B., I wish to present you to Dr. A., the rector of All Saints. "

A bishop is introduced, whether of the Methodist or Episcopal denomination, as Bishop Brown; a dean as Dean Brown, and a deacon, when you are aware that he is commonly so addressed, as Deacon Brown.

The Roman Catholic clergy are always introduced with the full use of their titles. A priest, for instance, is spoken of as Father Brown or Jones. Other friends and acquaintances in the CathoHc clergy would be introduced as Monsignor A., Bishop B., and Archbishop C. But, for a Cardinal, the utmost ceremony is always used. The f ormtda used would be this :

" Your Eminence, permit me to introduce Mr. A., " — or

"Mrs. B., may I have the honor of presenting you to his Eminence?"

Not often in the United States is the appellation Honorable employed in connection with a man's name. When presenting a gentleman so distinguished to assembled banqueters, or on a rostrum, its use is imperative ; but in the drawing-room an Honorable Thomas Brown would be presented as Mr. Brown. We introduce legal personages as Judge Jones, or Justice Jones, according to the titles they claim in the courts where they preside. The president of a college or university is introduced as Mr. A. unless he uses the title Doctor. Members of the President's Cabinet are introduced as Secretary A. or B. A member of the House of Representatives is always presented as Mr. A., but a senator is addressed as

Senator A. in the social as well as in the political world. As has been said before, the President not onlytakes precedence of every one else in the United States, but he assumes his title when persons are presented to him. Very formally, an introduction between the head of the Republic and anyone else would be made thus:

' ' / have the honor, sir, to present to you Mr. A . or Mr.B.' '

Informally, the introduction would be made in these words :

" Mr. President, may I introduce Mrs. (or Miss) A.?" — or

"Miss A., permit me to present you to the President."

The Vice-President is for all occasions Mr. A . or Mr. B., unless he claims the use of the title Doctor, or unless he is formally and officially presented as The Honorable John J.

A governor and a mayor are introduced as Governor Jones, Mayor Brown. Here let a still, small word of warning be spoken to any well-meaning but thoughtless person against introducing gentlemen as ex-President, ex-Governor, or ex-Mayor. All gentlemen, except judges who have once held high elective positions, do not cany their titles with them when they retire from active public service.

This rule, of course, does not hold good with naval and military men, who, whether in service or retired, are always given their titles with the greatest exactitude. And this is the case whether the title has been gained in the regular or voluntary service.

When introducing an individual who holds a foreign title, the rule of expressing the title very nearly as it is

Foreign titles ^^^ '^'°- '^^^'^'^^'^ conversation is followed. For example, it is customary to introduce an English baronet or knight as Sir John Jones; his wife as Lady Jones. A marquis, baron, earl, or viscount would be introduced as Lord A.; the wives of the above as Lady A.; a duke as The Duke oj Blankshire, a duchess as The Duchess of B. The eldest son of a duke is spoken of as Lord Blanke. Younger sons and the daughters of a duke are introduced as Lord John Blanke, Lady Mary Blanke, etc. Not always are the children of a marquis, a baron, or an earl endowed with titles. When they are, the titles are used as has been given for the children of a duke. When, however, the sons and daughters of an earl or baron claim only the title of Honorable, this prefix is never used when making introductions, save on public and official occasions. For all social ceremonies they are spoken to and of as are the children of a knight or a baronet, that is to say, as Mr. and Miss.

French, German, and Italian persons who hold aristocratic titles are introduced as Prince B., Princess A., Baron or Baroness T., Count or Countess L. A continental duke or marquis, duchess or marqiiise, is introduced as The Duke of R., The Marquise F.

A hostess, if seated, always rises, unless a very elderly or an invalid lady, and holds out her hand to greet any stranger introduced to her. This courtesy is obUgatory; also such ^^^^^^^^ poHte phrases as,

"I am very glad to meet you, Mr. A.," — or

" This is a great pleasure, Mrs. B. "

A host comes forward to greet a stranger introduced to him with outstretched hand and the same acknowledgment in words that a hostess employs. A man who is not a host, when introduced to a woman, waits to see lo Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e

if the lady offers her hand before extending his own. And she of the gracious manner always does so when a gentleman is presented to her. Involuntarily she also offers her hand when introduced to one of her own sex, unless the stranger is obviously her elder, or a person who observes the most reserved stateliness of manner. In such circumstances it would be the part of wisdom to wait for the cordial gesture to be made by the venerable dowager or the more coldly formal individual.

But a hostess waits not upon any one's, initiative. No matter how many strangers are presented to her in quick succession, she must immediately bestow a friendly pressure of the hand.

Occasions on which a woman need not offer her hand arise when she is introduced casually and for the sake of a momentary convenience on the street or at a crowded exhibition; also when she is presented in qiiick succession to a number of persons composing a theatre, picnic, or card party. In response to every name mentioned, to bow and snule slightly, looking directly at the person indicated, is a sufficient acknowledgment. Otherwise, insistence on handshaking all around a large group retards the progress of the entertainment or hinders the hostess unduly.

It is nothing less than crude and rude to fail to respond to an offered hand when an introduction is made; and more especially is it unkind to affect not to see the hand put out by a shy young man, or an impulsive girl who labors under a misapprehension of the more finikin rulings of a local or individual custom.

A woman always rises to acknowledge an introduction to one of her own sex, or to her host; also to any member of her hostess's family who is not very much her junior. If a young lady or a man is brought up for

Introductions ii

introduction to a matron well past her youth, the elder woman does not rise, nor does a woman of any age rise in acknowledgment when a man is presented to her, unless she is a hostess, or unless the man presented is her host, or a gentleman of very distinguidied position or a very elderly person. A man rises to accept any and all introductions. At a private entertainment, when two strangers of the opposite sex are seated side by side and a third person introduces them, the gentleman immediately rises and stands until the introduction is complete.

In a crowded concert-hall or theatre, in a church before a ceremony begins, at private theatricals, or a drawing-room musicale, the man who is introduced to a lady does not rise to acknowledge the honor of her acquaintance. He who is introduced to a belated woman guest at a dinner party, card party, luncheon, or supper, should rise from the table, if possible, to bow his acknowledgment and remain standing until the lady is seated. But if the introduction is made to a woman already seated beside or opposite him, he would merely bow in response to her acceptance of the presentation. Rising to acknowledge an introduction is not always an essential courtesy between men of equal ages, and where it is somewhat inconvenient to do so. A gentleman must rise, however, to receive an introduction to his host, to his hostess's son, to an elderly gentleman, to a distinguished member of any profession, and to the son or escort of a lady when she makes the introduction. Ordinarily, on introduction, men shake hands in friendly fashion, with slight question as to who ^should take the initiative in the matter, unless it is a case of one man introduced to a group of gentlemen; then courteous bows are sufficient.

12 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^c

A hostess, as has been stated in a foregoing paragraph, is the first to give verbal acknowledgment to an introduction. A host also takes the What to say initiative and expresses his pleasure ; but, w enm o uce ^^ ^ ^^^ between men and women, the woman is expected to be the first to speak. In replyto a hostess's kind greeting, a guest of either sex mayreply, in Heu of more graceful or original inspiration:

" Thank you, " — or

" You are very kind. "

When one individual is introduced to a group, it is best to say nothing. An elderly man correctly begins the conversation with a young woman to whom he has been presented. Otherwise, the burden of the first speech falls entirely on the woman, if the man prefers it to be so. He is privileged to wait, as dumb as an Indian, until the lady opens the conversation -with some pretty conventionality. But it is not absolutely essential, save for a host or hostess, to express any special verbal gratification on making new acquaintances. It is enough, in ordinary circumstances, to utter the fixed and rather banal phrase:

"How do you do, Mr. A.?"

When, though, an introduction is made by prearrangement, something more than a polite banality must be offered. One lady may say then to another, or to a gentleman :

"/ am very glad to meet you, " — or

" / am so glad at last to have this opportunity, Miss A . "

A hostess introduces entirely on her own initiative. The friend who appears in her drawing-room for the first time and seems to find no acquaintances among the persons assembled there, must be introduced to the

Introdiictions 13

majority of his or her fellow-guests. Naturally, at a large and crowded festivity, it is not possible for the most conscientious hostess to fulfill her duty in this respect absolutely, without ^^^» * hostess putting herself and others to great incon- ductio°"

venience. But, when entertaining in a small way, it is essential to see that guests who seem at all strange to the assembled company are fully introduced. A hostess is never obliged to ask permission to introduce one of her guests to another, and she wiU do wisely never to adopt the awkward pretence that her roof serves as an introduction. In some circles of smart society in England and in iiltrafashionable America, this is done, on the understanding that all the friends of a hostess are on an absolute equality when they meet in her drawing-room. Therefore, they are entitled to speak freely to one another.

This interpretation of the sacred tie of hospitality leads often to misunderstandings. A sensible hostess makes it her particular business to introduce aU her friends to her guest of honor, and, at a large or small reception, she will do very well to entertain with the assistance of a daughter, sister, or niece, who is privileged to make introductions wherever they are needed.

At a dinner party it is of paramount importance to introduce those strangers who are to go in to table together. This same rule holds good for luncheon and supper parties, card and theatre parties. The hostess tries to see that everybody is introduced before the active entertaining begins. A thoughtful lady should ask a man or woman who appears for the first time at her house on a festive occasion:

'' Do you think you know nearly every one here?"-

"Pray let me introduce you to some of my friends whom you have not met yet. "

At a ball, a hostess must never fail to keep a careful eye out for lonely folk, and take pains to see that her young guests are thoroughly introduced.

A married host is privileged, when he assists his wife in entertaining, to make as many introductions as he

pleases. " He shares with his wife at din- When a host j^gj. parties the business of presenting tions gentlemen to the ladies they are to take

in to table. Later, in the dining-room, where cigars are being discussed, he introduces those gentlemen who have not met before. A bachelor host never entertains a mixed assemblage of men and women without the aid of some friendly matron. To her he first and formally introduces all those of his guests whom she does not know. In all other respects he carries on his introductions as independently and as thoroughly as a hostess.

If you have received permission to bring a man or woman friend or relative to an entertainment given by a hospitable neighbor, your companion euests*" '*"'**° must be presented to your hostess immediately upon entering her drawing-room. As promptly as possible thereafter you should contrive to introduce your host and your companion. After this you must needs see that the person who accompanies you is made known to the majority of your own friends in the gay assemblage. When chaperoning a young lady at a ball, yotu- obvious duty is to try to introduce to her such young men as are available for dancing partners. It is not necessary for a chaperon to ask the young men whom she knows whether they would like to meet her protegee. The right of a chaperon to make such introductions is unquestioned. If the friend who accompanies you to a ball is a young lady of your own age, you should play the part of secondary hostess in her behalf and present to her your own partners. Shoiild your companion be of the opposite sex you are permitted, if he is your brother, cousin, or other accredited escort, to present him to your friends at convenient moments for all parties concerned. When you attend a ball, imder the protection of such a chaperon as your mother, aunt, very much older sister, or an obliging matron friend who is not herself an active participator in the dancing, courtesy demands that you try to introduce most of your partners to your dignified duenna. A guest, as a rule, does not formally introduce two strangers whom she has herself but just met. However, when you find yoiirself seated at a dinner- or card-table between two persons who obviously have not been introduced and seem inclined to share your conversation, you are privileged to say:

"Mr. A., do you know Mr. B. ?" — or

"Miss A., Miss B."

By this means you relieve any momentary constraint, and yet do not pretend to commit the participants in the introduction to any future acquaintance.

The man who accompanies a friend or relative of either sex to a house where his companion is a total stranger, makes all haste to present his

friend first to the hostess and then to the R»lesforiiiascu-

line guests host. Should he play the part of escort

at a ball or reception to a sister or feminine friend, he

does not seek out the host with the lady for whom he is

responsible, but keeps on the watch for a chance to l6 Cyclopaedia of Social Usa^e

present his host at the earliest moment convenient. A man, in these circumstances, is permitted to bring up all his masculine friends and present them to his fair charge. He moves more warily, though, in making introductions between his companion and other women, unless he counts warm friends among them. He would take his protegee across a room to present her to a lady who is obviously her senior, but otherwise his best course is to take the opportunities as they naturally present themselves for making introductions. When a masculine companion is dependent upon him, he takes his friend about and freely presents him to all the ladies with whom he claims more than a bowing acquaintance, and to all his men friends. This course is to be pursued safely when the stranger for whose .pleasure he feels responsible is a relative, or a visitor from some distant neighborhood. Otherwise, when a guest purposes to introduce a fellow-guest, varying conditions may cotmsel the observance of certain helpful precautions, as set forth in the following paragraph:

In former times, when chaperonage was rather strict in its rulings, aU masculine friends of a young lady were

expected to ask permission before bringio!^o£'an ^^g ^P ^^^ presenting their men friends introduction ^o her. To-day this formality is only

observed when a gentleman is excessively punctilious in all his social duties; when he knows the lady in the case but slightly, or when he has reason to doubt whether the introduction will be welcome to one of the parties concerned. Formerly at all festive gatherings, any man, other than the host, asked the chaperon's permission to present masculine friends to her charge. Then the aspirant to the young lady'r acquaintance was introduced first to the chaperon.

Such a cautious. course may still be followed when a d6butante appears at a dance under her mother's eye. To-day, however, a carefid man, when fearful of presumption, may ask his feminine friend's permission to present John Jones. This he would do when he is aware that the lady is a rather exclusive person or, when the Jones in question, who has asked to be introduced, has been for a long time a member of the same set in society as the lady whom he desires to meet.

In behalf of a relative, or a stranger from a distant locality, a gentleman asks the privilege to make an introduction in this fashion: '

"Have I your permission to present my friend Jones?"

"Miss A., my sister wishes so much to know you; may I present her?"

A woman, similarly placed, always wisely asks if an introduction will be agreeable before venturing to make it. This precaution she may take before presenting a friend of either sex to a woman she knows but sUghtly, or to an individual who is very busy, very exclusive, or hyperfastidious.

But aside from these eccentricities of individual temperaments, it sometimes happens that, for specific reasons, fellow-residents in a neighborhood, having discontinued their acquaintance, are awkwardly placed by a heedless third party who insists upon making an embarrassing introduction. Thus, it is requisite to take thought in advance a little when, as a guest, the opportunity or necessity for introduction arises.

A guest, however, is never entitled to refuse an introduction made by a host or hostess. Even if your hostess presents you to your bitterest enemy, tmder l8 Cyclopeedia of Social Usa^e

her roof and in her presence you must appear to accept

the situation with good grace. You must take it for

granted that she has made the mistake

Refusing an ^^ complete ignorance of your dislike for

introduction . . i i -i » • j

your fellow-guest, and while bowmg and

smiling in response to the ceremony she has performed,

you need not feel that any future recognition of its

validity is involved. However, if your hostess asks if

you would like to be presented to Miss Jones, whose

acquaintance you would prefer to avoid, you may not

decline the introduction tinless you have a very cogent

reason for so doing. If at the moment you have no

chance to explain yourself fully, it is enough to say:

"/ think I had better not be presented to Miss Jones. Her family and mine are not very friendly. "