The miseries of Fo Hi, a celestial functionary

Front matter

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V.'ii fft* lys

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Preface

This story comes straight from China hke the vases and images with which we decorate our mantels. The manuscript was found by a brave French officer in the sack of an imperial palace, and was brought home in his valise as one of the curiosities of that remarkable country. The officer sent it to a number of gentlemen, learned in Chinese, all of- whom translated it at sight with the greatest ease. It is true that no two of them made it read alike ; but that matters little. These slight differences are of frequent occurrence among the profound scholars who have studied Chinese in our colleges. From these various versions I have chosen the one which seemed to me the most diverting, and now p'iv^ '+ to the public.

Contents

CHAPTER. PAGE.

I. In Which it is Decided that Fo Hi's Son Shall

be a Mandarin 7

Chapter I

IN WHICH IT IS DECIDED THAT FO HIS SON SHALL BE A MANDARIN.

" Wahtever will become of us with a third daughter on our hands ? " said Mrs. Fo Hi, abruptly, to her husband.

"A daughter ! " answered Mr. Fo Hi, with becoming dignity, " you don't know what you are talking about, my good woman. Why should it be a girl rather than a boy .■• "

" Because "—

"Because what?"

" Because I am sure of it."

" That is the way women reason in China, (7)

8 THE MISERIES OF FO II L

is it ? Well, for my part, dearest soul of my eyes, I don't pretend to be certain that it won't be so. The wise man is never certain of anything. But I think it will be a boy."

"And why do you think so ? "

" I think so for the simple reason that I do think so.''

" What a difference there is, to be sure ! But may the Great Changhti hear you, my dear. A boy would be just the thing for us. We are both young yet, but twenty years from now we shall begin to grow old, and it will soon be time for us to step aside. We can then give up the business, and our son will succeed us just as you succeeded your father."

" What ! My son a tradesman ! My son sell rice, and pepper, and spices ! A- descendant of Fo Hi ! Are you dreaming, Madame .? "

FO HI'S SON A MANDARIN. 9

" Well, and why not ? Haven't we been selling rice and spices all our lives ? And aren't we still selling them ? We are making a good living, and every year are laying up a few taels for our girls. We receive all the attention in the neighborhood which is usually shown to people who pay their bills promptly. Everybody bows to me in the street, and our acquaintances are all respectable people, like ourselves, who call in for a quiet evening over a cup of tea or a glass of rice wine. We have no quarrels with anybody, and are perfectly independent, so that when the day's accounts are made up and our girls are in bed, we have nothing to do but to go soundly to sleep. What more do you want for your son, I should like to know?"

" I want my son to be something in the world."

" We are nothing, then, I suppose. Is that what you mean ? "

"That's just it, Mrs. Fo Hi; we are nothing, and it makes me mad to think of it. Every week the Governor gives his reception, but have we ever been invited ? Haven't you as fine a face and as pretty a complexion and as small feet as the women whom he does invite ^ When the Emperor, Son of Heaven, passes through the town, will we be admitted to his presence to gaze upon his august countenance ? Do we ever have a reserved seat at the public ceremonies ? You know how handsome that cap of yellow silk is, and how much it cost me. Well, have I the privilege of putting a coral button on it, even as small as a nut .■' And how, I should like to know, is one to live without a button on his cap .'' I am determined that my son shall have one on his cap, at any rate. The Governor shall receive

FO HI'S SON A MANDARIN. ii

him, and what is better, he shall himself be a Governor. Just think of that, Mrs. Fo Hi ! Our son a Governor, and talking with Ministers just as I am talking with you! How much better that will be than weighing out pepper and spices 1 "

And Mr. Fo Hi pulled his silk night-cap proudly down over his ears. But Mrs. Fo Hi shook her head and said :

" People who can sell pepper can get along without Ministers. I would rather be a minister in my own house than dance attendance upon other people."

" How silly all that kind of talk is ! I tell you my son shall be a Minister, and people shall dance attendance upon him."

Mrs. Fo Hi sighed but said nothing, for she was a Chinese woman of excellent sense. And it was not long before the prosperous couple fell asleep under their orange- colored coverlids worked with numerous birds of paradise. But their dreams on that memorable night were very different. Mrs. Fo Hi dreamed that some good genius had taken her up on a high mountain, which turned out to be a mountain of first-class pepper. There she was, selling the pepper to her customers, and all the time sneezing tremendously. But Mr. Fo Hi, meanwhile, saw distinctly a bird of paradise with a splendid yellow cap on his head, around which sparkled thousands of buttons brighter than the sun. The bird flapped his wings and rose high up in the air, where he sat down on a Mandarin's chair and crossed his legs in a very dignified manner. Then with a friendly wave of his wing he asked Mr. Fo Hi to take the place at his side. But just as that gentleman was rising to his feet in a state of unutterable delight he was awakened by a vigorous sneeze from his wife.

" God bless you, my dear," he said to her,

FO HI'S SON A MANDARIN. 13

cheerfully; " dreams don't deceive. My son will certainly be a Minister."

" That's just the reason why he will have to be a tradesman," replied the good lady.

And thereupon the dispute broke out again with new vigor.

Ah ! marriage is a fine institution.

Chapter II. Young Fo Hi Enters College

At last the happiness of Mr. and Mrs. Fo Hi was crowned by the birth of the boy whom they expected. When he had reached the age of ten years, the first degree of hfe according to Celestial ideas, his father determined to take him to the Forest of Pencils. This is the name which the Chinese in their poetical language give to their colleges. Mrs. Fo Hi immediately reported this resolution to a certain bonze* to whom she was in the habit of confiding her husband's- business as well as her own. This worthy gentleman without a moment's delay rushed over to Fo Hi's mansion in a state of great excitement and said :

*A Buddhist priest.

('4)

YOUNG FO HI ENTERS COLLEGE. i;

" May Tao pour out his blessings upon you! You are very imprudent. Your son is lost if you take him to that Forest of Pencils. Under the pretext of teaching him Sanskrit and Prakrit they will corrupt his young mind and fill it with poison. The books which they will put into his hands ■ were written two thousand years ago. They do not, therefore, tell of the true God, for he had not then come into existence. They are made up of abominable poems which celebrate the Metamorphoses of Vishnu and the superstitions of an idolatrous religion. And for examples of piety they exalt those absurd Fakirs who go about stark naked."

"Oh, my ! stark naked ! " exclaimed Mrs. Fo Hi, blushing.

" Yes, stark naked," replied the bonz e, "and they drive nails into their legs, and throw themselves under the car of Juggernaut. You know very well how contagious such things are ! Now, put your son in my care. We will teach him a very different kind of Sanskrit, and to much better purpose. We will educate him in the fear of Tao and of his representatives ujjon earth. We will make him a young man after our own heart, who will never eat unclean food, who will give, through us, large sums of money in charity, and who will never put nails into his legs."

But Mr. Fo Hi was unmoved by this eloquent appeal, for he said in reply:

" It isn't likely that any such ambition will get the best of him. It may have been the fashion two thousand years ago to drive nails into one's legs, but it has been out of date too long to be revived in these days, all the books in the world to the contrary notwithstanding. I am not acquainted with any of the poets of whom you speak, but however beautiful their verses may be they don't have any

YOUNG FO HI ENTERS COLLEGE. l^

eftect upon anybody. No, I am not worried about anything of that kind, and you certainly love your ease too well to give yourself any anxiety about it. I should be very willing to put my son under your instruction if I intended to devote him to the service of Tao. But I want to make a man of him and not a bonze, and therefore it is much better that he should be taught by men, and that he should learn from the very first how to act among men. I don't care how much it will cost me. I have the great honor of bidding you good-day and Godspeed ! "

And thereupon he took his departure, and left the bonze alone with Mrs. Fo Hi, to whom the wily priest thus poured out his heart :

"Alas I alas ! such blindness makes me tremble ! Unfortunate Chinese ! Unfortunate

China 1 Ah ! my dear lady, it is for you to atone for the errors of your husband, and to invoke God's blessing on your son, for he will have need enough of it. Our religious houses are very poor. His Majesty, Son of Heaven, who expends so much money on his colleges, allows us also a small subsidy which goes to keep up our rival institutions. But the sum is insufficient, and it is necessary that the pious should come to our assistance. We are living on the charity of the public."

"Here!" said Mrs. Fo Hi, "take this and pray for my poor son, but don't say anything about it to my husband, for he would scold."

" Don't be alarmed, my lady," said the bonze, bowing himself out, " I am the humble servant of him who said : ' Let not your left hand know the money which your right hand receives.' "

Chapter III. An Edifying Conversation

One of Mr. Fo Hi's neighbors was a learned old man, whose name was Li-jou-lin. He was a philosopher, very wise and veryshrewd, who spent his life in seeking the truth, and who, when he believed that he had found it, uttered it cheerfully. He had some very original ideas upon certain delicate matters, and in his books boldly made fun of bigots and fools. He had in this way made a great reputation, and also a great many enemies. He was disliked by those who took him in bad part, and the people who caught his meaning were pretty sure to take him so.

But little did he care for that. He despised honors and appointments, and with

true philosophical contentment he was saf- (19)

isfied to dine upon a crust of bread soaked in a glass of water.

To this singular genius Mr. Fo Hi went and said :

" Neighbor, I have come to ask your advice. I have a son who is a very bright boy, and in mind far in advance of his age. His mother is urging me to send him to college, where he can study Sanskrit and all those other fine things which are taught there. You are a scholar, and I want you to tell me what you think of it ?"

" First answer me a single question," replied Li-jou-lin. " How much are you

worth ? "

" Oh ! don't trouble yourself about that, my friend ! We can stand it. Of course we shall have to pinch a little. But Mrs. Fo Hi will get along with one gown the less, and I will discharge one of my clerks and

AN EDIFYING CONVERSATION. 21

do his work myself. There is a great deal of work in me yet."

" I don't doubt it, but that is not what I asked you. How much of a fortune can you settle upon your son when he shall have completed his studies ? "

" What ! how much of a fortune ! "

" Yes, certainly. Only those who teach Sanskrit make a living out of it. I have eaten the bread which it brings in, and, I can tell you, I don't wish any one such a life as that."

" But I have always been told that Sanskrit is the road to everything."

" Very true! but one takes a great risk when he enters upon a road which leads in every direction but which ends nowhere. Sanskrit is the ornament of a great fortune. It is not the means of gaining a fortune. It is certainly very difficult to keep one's rank in good society without some little knowledge of that ancient language and of the subjects connected with it. But then it is impossible to get into good society at all without new gloves and polished boots. Are you able to keep him in boots ">. " " But he will have a position .'' " " Yes, but the position which he will get will no more than supply him with bread, while it will make the boots a necessity. The Emperor has too many people in his service to pay them much. He gives them just enough to save them from starvation, but at the same time he requires them to be lodged and dressed, whatever their rank in the service may be, in a manner worthy of him whom they represent. You understand arithmetic, my good friend, for you are a merchant. Now what would you say to an investment which would cost you ten thousand taels, and would yield you only five per cent., besides demanding every moment of

AN' EDIFYING CONVERSATION. 23

your time ? Wouldn't you call it a losing business ? Well, it is the very thing which you are now thinking of. The education of a young man consumes fourteen or fifteen years, ten of which are passed in college, and the remainder in the professional schools. Calculate now how much you will have to lay out every year, then add the compound interest, and at the end of the time you will have a very handsome capital invested in your son's head. If, upon his coming of age, you were to give him that amount in money, or in land, it would be the founda tion of a large fortune and an influential position in the community. On the other hand, you give it to him in Sanskrit, and what is the result .'' He gets a place which confines him from morning till night, which shuts out every hope of fortune and independence, and the money-return of which scarcely equals the interest on the sum invested. That is plain enough, isn't it ? " "And yet," said Fo Hi, the grocer, rubbing his ear, "the Rector of the College

where I took my son yesterday "

" Oh ! you took your son to the College yesterday, did you ? "

"Exactly! To be sure I did!" "Just the thing, just the thing. I advise you to leave him tliere."

" Well ! I am delighted that you think so. Folks are right when they call you a clever man. Whenever you need any rice or sugar, just come to our place, You shall have the best at the lowest price."

Chapter IV. Young Fo Hi Graduates With All The Honors

I AM vexed with the hero of this story. He was neither a dunce nor a genius. He hovered between the two, rather nearer the one than the other. But as he was industrious and docile, he was a favorite with his professors, who spoke of him as a distinguished pupil because there was nothing to distinguish him from his comrades. In a class of sixty students, forty are always distinguished. Young Fo Hi was one of the forty. During the nine years which he passed at the Forest of Pencils he learned everything which is taught there; that is, very little of anything. A few words of

Sanskrit and Prakrit formed the most con- (25)

spicuous of his attainments. His father took him occasionally to call upon the old scholar Li-jou-Iin, who took a great deal of pleasure in drawing the little fellow into conversation.

" My boy will some day be something," the father would say, proudly.

" It would be much better if he were to be some one" the old philosopher would mutter in reply.

He discovered by questioning him that this future savant had no very keen taste for his studies. To be sure, he felt no very decided dislike for them, but when he was told to translate from Sanskrit into Chinese, and from Chinese into Sanskrit, he did it with the same supreme indifference with which his father's clerk would have changed a customer's order from a bag of prunes to a ton of rice.

" What an excellent grocer this young im-

YOUNG FO HI GRADUATES. 27

becile would have made ! " thought Li-jou-lin. "Another vocation missed ! "

At length the year came round in which tlie son of Mr. Fo Hi was to pass his final examination before the literary tribunal. His professors put into his hands a great book in which a friend of youth and of science had collected and admirably arranged everything which had been said, done, and known by men, since man made his appearance upon the earth. This wonderful work the young man learned by heart from beginning to end, for he had an excellent memory. And in this way he was enabled to astonish his examiners by the quickness and the accuracy of his answers. He therefore received the verdant palm-leaf of which a celebrated Chinese has said elegantly :

" It grows on the threshold of the Forest of Pencils, and allows itself to be plucked by those alone who have learned the magic words. Armed with this talisman, they go forth into life, and every door opens before them. They are the Kings of the Future."

When it was all over young Fo Hi went back to the paternal mansion with head erect, as became a king of the future, and told the news to his father. That worthy gentleman wept with joy, and made a great banquet to which he invited his relatives and friends without forgetting old Li-jou-lin. Everybody drank the health of the young king of the future and predicted a most brilliant career for him. The future always looks bright when we see it across a glass of sparkling wine.

About midnight nobody but Li-jou-lin was in a condition to know what he was talking about, and even he had nothing to say. So he slipped out smiling under his beard. At last the king of the future had a bad attack of indigestion, and thus ended one of the happiest days of his life.

Chapter V. The King Of The Future In A Quandary

" And what do you advise me to do now ? " asked the young graduate one day of Li-jou-lin. "All the professions are open to me. Which shall I choose ?"

" The grocery profession," answered the philosopher.

"What? I a grocer.' Oh! come now!"

" Why, it's your father's profession, young man."

" But my father doesn't know a Tvord of Sanskrit. What was the use of losing ten yfears in studying it, if I am only to follow in his footsteps .''"

" A great deal of use. It will enable you to enjoy your fortune when you have made it."

But the king of the future screwed up

(^9)

his lips contemptuously, and concluded that the old man was talking nonsense. So he took his departure, still undecided as to his future course. But as he was going down the street he met one of his classmates, who carried him off to his room, which was verypretty and hung all round with opium pipes. The young man was a law student, and it was his room and his pipes which decided Fo Hi's profession. His mind was made up, and forthwith he went to his father and said : " I would like to study law." At this Mrs. Fo Hi chimed in, and declared that it would require at least three years more of large outlay, and that there was no certainty that, even after these new studies, still greater sacrifices would not be necessary. She added, too, that her girls were now of marriageable age, and they must think of getting husbands for them. Now the two sisters were listening to the conversation through the key-hole. They were good girls, although a trifle too curious, But then no one is perfect, as the wise Confucius says. When, therefore, they heard what their mother said about them, they walked in boldly and joined in the conversation, both of them declaring that they were in no hurry, and that they would very cheerfully wait to enable their brother to set out suitably on the road to distinction. They said, besides, that they wanted to be married, not for their dot, but for themselves alone, which is one of the prejudices of young Chinese women. Tears rained in showers that evening in the family of the estimable Mr. .Fo Hi. But at last, after a great many kisses and more tears, it was decided that the king of the future should have an allowance from his father.

Of course the young fellow made all sorts of fine promises, and to his credit it must be said that he kept them as well as he could. He was not bad, and he was not lazy. His mind was of that medium sort which follows with perfect docility the path marked out for it. He went on in a mechanical kind of way wherever the gale of circumstances impelled him, looking neither to the right nor to the left. There are more minds of this sort in the world than we think, for as one of the most celebrated philosophers of China has very justly said :

" Man in general is neither an angel nor a brute."

During these three years of legal study, young Fo Hi did not therefore lose himself, lie only lost his father's money. He passed all his examinations with honor, won all the degrees, and at last received a handsome diploma, signed by the Minister and countersigned by the Emperor, by which he was authorized to wear a crystal button on his cap. And on that auspicious day Fo Hi the elder felt himself compensated for all his sacrifices, and even Mrs. Fo Hi allowed herself to be dazzled by the brilliancy of that button. She forgot, poor woman, that for three years she had risen at four o'clock in the morning, and had done the work of two servants. But the diploma was suitably framed and hung up in the best room in the house. And it must be said that it was a great consolation to the two sisters to see it hanging there, for with all their generosity they had not escaped some wakeful and anxious nights.

And now at last the great Tao took pity on their humdrum lives, and sent them both husbands. Pe-kao sued for the eldest. He was a good fellow, finely formed, broadshouldered, and had a laugh which could be heard at a great distance. He belonged to the agricultural class, and owned a farm.

which he cultivated himself. He was told plainly that he must expect no dowry with his bride, but he did not frown. He replied immediately that a good housekeeper was the best of treasures on a farm, and that Miss Fo Hi was rich enough in beauty and goodness to dispense with any other dowry. The compliment was, to be sure, neither very new nor very elegantly expressed, but it was sincere, and was given in the frank and whole-hearted manner which dispels all doubt. It was enough that it was a compliment. So Miss Fo Hi smiled sweetly and accepted him.

The younger daughter was scarcely a year younger than her sister, and this approaching wedding put some ideas into her head. She went to her father and told him that she was in love with Chi-kau go, and Chi-kau-go she must marry.

"Good gracious! What!" exclaimed Mr.

Fo Hi in the greatest astonishment. " My clerk ! But I can't throw my daughter at his head. He will have to ask me for her first."

" Oh ! he will never dare to do that. You are so dignified, you know, papa !"

" But do you know whether he loves you .'' Has the rascal had the impudence to tell you so.'"'

" He ! Why he doesn't even dare to look at me."

"Well, well, I declare!"

The girl smiled, like her sister, only much more mischievously. She sat down on her father's knee and put her arms around his neck, and then went on :

" You will take him into partnership, and we will stay with you always. You will grow old surrounded by your children and, Heaven willing, your grandchildren, and we will all be happy, for we shall all be together."

"All right! Send him to me," said Mr. Fo Hi, who already saw his grandchildrea climbing up his legs and shouting, " Grandpa ! Grandpa ! "

Chi-kau-go made his appearance forthwith, trembling like an aspen leaf, and with his face as red as a peony. He was naturally very timid, although he was nothing but a rough workingman. But Mr. Fo Hi had discovered that he was a man of good common sense, and common sense is worth much more in business than intellect.

Well, the whole thing was agreeably arranged, and the two weddings came off on the same day. Doctor Fo Hi condescended to honor the festivities with his crystal button. He was, of course, a little ashamed of the brothers-in-law that his sisters had brought him, but, upon reflection, he recollected that he also was to blame for it, as they had sacrificed their marriage portion for him. He therefore promised himself that some day he would take them from their present low calling, and by his credit and influence raise them to a position more worthy of himself. He would be their patron, and this flattering fancy reconciled him to their present inferior condition. He even composed four or five couplets in honor of the two brides, which sounded very pretty, but which we suppress lest the reader should not get as much enjoyment out of them as did Mr. Fo Hi. As for Mrs. Fo Hi, she wept profusely when they were sung, she wept again in the evening when she had to give up her daughters to their husbands, and she began to weep again the next morning as soon as she woke up. There is something marvellous in tears. They give relief to the greatest joys as well as the greatest sorrows.

"Well, now, my boy," said Mr. Fo Hi, senior, to his son, clapping him vigorously on the shoulder. " Your sisters are settled, and now it is your turn. As the Government has given you an education, it now owes you a position. We will make an application."

The grocer therefore became now a solicitor. The honeymoon of the two young couples beamed gently on the long and fruitless exertions of the worthy man, and mitigated the annoyance which he suffered in his failures. He went at first to the Master of the Brazen Rod, who exercises in China the same functions as the Minister of Justice in France. For some months he showered appeals and petitions upon this official. These documents were of all possible kinds and styles. Some were polite and dignified, some were alarmingly familiar, and still others were pathetic and importunate. Sometimes they appealed to the reason, and sometimes to the heart of the dignitary. They referred frequently to the services which the family of Fo Hi, from generation to generation, had rendered to the country by selling pepper, and their unwavering fidelity to the Emperor and his august consort. Then the fine education and the personal merits of the candidate were exalted, and especial emphasis was laid upon the sums which his extensive preparation had cost. At other times another vein was struck, and the fate of the young man was deplored, whose splendid powers could find no employment, and whose only hope was in the kindness of the Minister.