The comic history of the United States : from a period prior to the discovery of America to times long subsequent to the present

Front matter

i

THE

COMIC HISTORY

Dedication

0 MY WIFE.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

SUBJECTS.

Contents

PREFATORY.

Pagk

TEEATING THE READER TO AN ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR, AND OF THE PLAN, OBJECT, AND PRIN- CIPLES OF THIS HISTORY . . . .41

Book First. Discoveries

B. C. TO 1607 A. D.

Chap.

I. OF AMERICA BEFORE ITS DISCOVERY IN THE FIF- TEENTH CENTURY. B. C. TO 1000 A. D. . . 55 America older than Europe, Asia, or Africa. — Chronic Errors on the Subject. — Europe presented to America. — 1*

V2

CONTENTS.

Truth vindicated. — Proofs of our Superior Antiquity. — Luxurious Civilization of the Races "which stocked this Continent before the Indians. — Amount of Coal left by them unburned. — Large Supplies of Fish packed away safely in our Mountains. — Fish Culture measure of Human Culture.

— Fossil Cran-iology. — Laughable Blunders of Former Historians and Ethnologists. — Ancient Nations, Babylonian, Persian, Greek, the Ten Lost Tribes, etc., trickling through, have reappeared on our Side of the Earth. — Instances cited.

— Mythologies of Greece and Rome originated here. — Proofs and Reproofs. — American Nests well feathered Ages ago.

II. OF THE DISCOVERIES IN AMERICA DURING THE

ELEVENTH, FIFTEENTH, SIXTEENTH, AND SEV- ENTEENTH CENTURIES. 1000 TO 1607 . . 64

America not discovered by Jason. — Lithographic Specimens attributed to the Northmen in the Eleventh Century curious, but executed by Skalds more Modern. — Bishop Berkeley's Western Star not the First American Constellation. — Columbus offers a Continent at Private Sale ; Isabella, a Spanish Lady, takes him up, and- the Profits also. — A Fish Story confirmed. — Of Ferdinand's Necklace. — Price of Eggs advanced in* Spain.

— England finally sees something. — Discoveries which Columbus did not make. — Ponce de Leon. — Mexico unfortunately discovered. — The Straits of Magellan and other Straits. — De Soto at the Bottom of the Mississippi. — Champlain, a wise man, founds Quebec upon a Rock. — Sir Walter Raleigh and him smoking. — The Mayflower anchored. — Hudson up stream.

III. OF THE INDIAN CHARACTER .... 76

Survey of Indian Character and Lands. — Our Pacific Intentions towards the Indians. — The Whites better read than the Red Men, and the Effects of Learning. — The Pale Complexion of their Affairs. — Wet Blankets thrown over their other Habits. — Different Traits discovered by School-Girls and through Official Spectacles. — Meaning of Indian Reservations. — Indian Style of Dress and its Conveniences. — Indian Names. — Examples of their Happy Application.

CONTENTS.

Book Second. Settlements And Colonies. 1607 - 1775

I. OF AMERICAN SETTLEMENTS GENERALLY . .87 Some American Grounds, like Coffee, unsettled. — Some Settlements pulled up by the Roots ; others chilled by Fever and Ague. — Moist Soils objected to except by Doctors. — Unexpected Crops of Tomahawks from Wheat sown. — Settlements

in America because of impracticability of making any at Home with Creditors. — Wild Oats sown between 34th and 38th Parallels. — Frequent Settlements make long Friends. — Settlements of Old Tavern Scores in Chalky Districts. — Religious Squalls prostrate some Plantations. — Indian Tempests uproot others. — Growth of Virginia, although Queen Elizabeth ufemme sole. — Clergymen's Settlements. — Brides unsettled. — Drake around the World.

II. THE SETTLEMENTS OF VIRGINIA, DELAWARE,

MARYLAND, THE CAROLINAS, AND GEORGIA . 95

Colored Views whitened. — Blue Ridges and Black Welts in Virginia. — Virginia, smothered up in Infancy by Charters, survives Royal Nursing. — Her Vigilance against her Suitors.

— Cotton introduced. — How the World managed previously.

— Charles I. and his numerous Autographs. — Georgia and Oglethorpe. — Charleston set up. — A Point on Old Point Comfort. — Tobacco first piped about. — Unmarried Girls as Articles of Import. — Estimated in, if not by, Pounds. — The Fancy Constitution of John Locke for North Carolina. — Its own Length but Short Life. — South Carolina Rivers do not run up. — Popular Errors corrected. — John Wesley. — Singular Effect of his Preaching on the Indians. — Maryland as a Duck of a Colony canvassed.

III. JOHN SMITH . . . . • . . .106

John Smith historically considered. — The Number in Leading Cities stated. — How classified. — Why he is not put in a separate Volume or in an Appendix. — Origin of the Smiths.

CONTENTS.

— American Genealogical Trees. — Smiths up a Stump, in the Sap, and dangling from the Branches. — The Antiquity and Ubiquity of the Smiths. — Variety and Extent of their Occupations and Operations. — Will probably in time own all the World. — Comic Situations of John Smiths in Cities, at Family Dinner-Parties, at Prayer-Meetings, at Balls, in Titles to Real Estate, etc. — Whether he can be sued. — Other Legal Questions in reference to him considered. — John Smith of Pocahontas Fame a Myth.

IV. OF THE SETTLEMENT OF THE NEW ENGLAND

STATES . 115

Views of the New England States and Character determined by one's Church, — Partial Notions about Clocks, Nutmegs, Pumpkin Pies, etc. — Getting an Historical Coach to one's self. — Why the Puritans did not hang up their Stockings on their first Christmas Eve. — Their nearest Neighbors. — Indian Points and other Points. — Governor Carver and Want of Meats. — Massasoit, and how he kept his Faith in-violate. — New Hampshire on the Rampage. — Why Boston was begun, and why it is not finished. — Roger Williams and his Providential Ways and Dealings. — Connecticut founded, although its Charter not found. — The Wind against Cromwell. — Harvard College. — Vermont and her Ways and Means.

V. THE SETTLEMENT OF NEW YORK . . .126 The Spirits of the Age present at its Foundation. — Who they

were and how they were affected. — The Wonders of Manhattan in September, 1609. — How the Animal, Vegetable, Ornithological, Maritime, and Human Productions then compared with those now. — What New York Lots were worth two hundred and fifty years ago. — Their Owners. — Hudson's Trip up the River. — What he saw and did n't see. — The four Dutch Governors ; their Doings and Misdoings. — Sketch of Holland and the Characteristics which she impressed upon New Amsterdam. — Bravery evinced in settling Brooklyn. — How the Van Rensellaers and other Vans were enticed hither. — The Troubles and Sorrows of Wouter Van Twiller and William Kieft. — Of the Surrender of the Dutch, and the Instalment of English Rule in New York. — Petrus Stuy vesant retires from Business. — His Farm and what he raised on it.

CONTENTS.

• VI. THE SETTLEMENT OF NEW JERSEY . . .142

A spirited Sketch of the Way in which it was done, and the Results.

VII. THE SETTLEMENT OF PENNSYLVANIA . .143 Governments in their Action like Pianos. — The Reason; and

illustrating Examples. — Varieties in the Make-ups of the different Settlers of the Colonies. — Character of Penn, and why it improves by Age. — His Accomplishments. — His first Visit to America in 1681. — Tall Talk and Peace. — Philadelphia, its Early and Late Characteristics. — Delaware sets up for herself. — Penn in Prison. — Again in Pennsylvania. — Returns to England by the Philadelphia Line. — Pennsylvania leaps into the Eighteenth Century, and what she does there.

VIII. THE COLONIES IN THE UPPER HALF OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY . . . .150

The Young Colonies watched by the " Old Folks at Home." — Required to furnish Inventories of their Property. — Old People particular as to Shops where the Youngsters traded. — Several Articles of Political Housekeeping, as Printing- Presses, Jury-Boxes, etc., not allowed. — Some Favorites among the Children. — The first American Ring. — Cromwell as a Step- Father. — The Atlantic Swimming-Bath. — - Political Rights jarred off the Parent Tree; others Fell when Ripe. — Some Proprietors sell out to raise Money for Costs. — General Thaw in High Places. — Legislative Mills with two runs of Stone. — Woman's Rights in Capsules. — How hard Puritan Wood got softer. — Episcopal Race-Courses enlarged. — A Black Frost curls up the Green Leaves of the Charters. — What Sir Edmund Andros swallowed and the Fit of Indigestion Avhich followed. — Effect of European Housekeeping in setting Colonial Brooms in Motion. — New York swept into the English Pan. — Result of James II.'s over-stay in Paris. — Slaps in the Face of Canada and their Return. — How Public Events tell on Family Matters tolled long and loud. — People occasionally subject to Scarlet Fever and Fourth of July, but can't live on either. — Kidd at Sea; takes off a few People. — How the Deficiency was supplied. — Number of Colonists at close of Seventeenth Century. — Would have been more had Chicago started. — Colonial Colts at the Bars of the eighteenth Century.

CONTENTS.

IX. WITCHCRAFT . . . . . .169

The Witch-Caldron at Salem. — How its Bubbling raised Tea- Pot Lids and has kept open other Lids ever since. — The Young Female Witches at Salem condemned to the Ties of Matrimony ; the Old Ones to harder Knots. — The Sin of being Old considered. — The Scarlet Letter. — Examples of Witchcraft cited. — The Delusion of Adam and Eve at the first Pomological Convention in Eden. — Woman as Man's familiar Spirit; and her Conjuries. — Cases of David, Samson, and Herod. — Antony dissolved in that Egyptian Drink Pearl Water. — The Maid of Orleans and what an Arc she subtended. — The Philters of Love, Ambition, Heroism, etc., administered to Men and Nations. — Their Effects. — Delusions, like Measles, catching. — The Frenzies of Fashion fully described. — The Stock Exchange. — Private Witchcrafts at Quiltings, Apple-Parings, etc. — Red Corn and other Red Ears.. — Sweet Witches. — A Jury of gushing Girls. — Punishment of Men incapable of being 'bewitched.

X. OF THE MANNERS, MORALS, HABITS, AND LAWS OF THE COLONISTS IN THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY 177

First-class Telescope to see the Manners of a Past Age.— Difficulties of Near-sighted and Long-sighted People. — Near Objects more embarrassing to the Observer than Distant. — Why? — The Ghosts of the Past. — The Manners and Dress of Stuyvesant, Eliot, Calvert, Rolfe, etc. described. — Manners of the Mass detailed; in their Work, Play, Diet, Courtship, Fashions, Treatment of Young Ladies and Gentlemen, Children, Servants, etc. — Superior Advantages of Paterfamilias then in making Acquaintance with his Wife and Children. — Fast Girls and Calicoes. — The Isothermal Lines of Ethics. — Certain Vices, like Eggs, laid secretly and hatched afterwards. — The Fashions of Crime at various Epochs compared. — Jails and Jail-Birds. — The ingenious Crimes of Trade, Corporations, Schools, and Seminaries noted. — How Sects are frozen or thawed by Temperature. — Northern and Southern Sectarianism. — Why Episcopacy flourished in Warm Latitudes. — The early Commercial Morality of New York. — Baptists, Congregationalists, and Independents. — The Habits of the Century; their Material, Color, Durability, and Wear. — The Laws mainly imported. —

CONTENTS.

What a Business the Colonists carried on, notwithstanding, in the Domestic Article. — Kindness of the Proprietors in furnishing Ready-made Office-holders not appreciated. — American Itch for Law-making. — Laws against Criminals. — Their Crimson Color. — How the Rains of Mercy fell on hard Enactments, and the Thaw which followed. — Coroners' Inquests sat upon. — Verdicts under various Lights. — Justices of the Peace, and the Law they peddled. — Administrations of Law then and now contrasted. — How Colors, although imponderable, turned the Judicial Scales.

XI. THE COLONIES IN THE LOWER HALF OF THE

EIGHTEENTH CENTURY . . . .194

The Colonial Colts in the large open Field of the Eighteenth Century. — The Effects of a Sniff of French Gunpowder. — Queen Anne's War, 1702-1713 ; its Cost and Results in Europe and America. — Acadia changes its Name to Nova Scotia. — How the Colonies started a Newspaper in 1704. — Philadelphia in a Sheet in 1719 ; and how comfortable it was. — The Franklin Bros, furnish Food too condensed even for Boston. — Benjamin quits the Hub ; foots it without tiring to New York. — How he got through New Jersey without paying Toll. — Enters Philadelphia with Two Loaves, and sets up an Intellectual Bakery. — Banks built on the Sands of Credit. — Moving Accidents. — John Law's Scheme to use the Mississippi Valley ; how it grew ; what it promised, and how it performed. — A French Pasquinade. — The Results of a Bank Panic in the Eighteenth Century. — The Effects on the Manufacture of Children. — Number of Colonists in 1713 and 1743. — The Condition of Delaware, New Hampshire, and Vermont. — The Training of Young America. — Yale College and its Mustard-like Growth. — The American Learned Oak.— The Connection between Slate-Pencil and Gum Chewing and Female Education. — What took Place between 1713 and 1743. — A Negro Plot in New York. — Negroes thrown overboard, and the Bubbles that rose. — How large Historic Doors swing on small Hinges. — Examples from A to W. — What happened because Maria Theresa was a Female. —The English Georges ; what Bulls they were, and made. — The Transatlantic Bullocks, and how they rushed into King George's War in 1744, and what Mischief they did for Four Years.

B

CONTENTS.

XII. THE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE AMERICAN BELT.

No Hopes for the Millennium in American Colonies up to 1754.

— More Swords than Ploughshares. — Mars in America. — Sixteen Indian Wars in 147 Years. — How they were fed by- French Oil and blown by French Bellows. — The Five Great Continental Wars, and how they reached over and handled the Colonies. — The Treaty Patches, and how they failed to cover the War Breaches. — The Volcanic Character of American Soil. — How the Animosities of France and England grew through Four Centuries,- and in what a Hateful Harvest they waved, in 1754, each Side the Sea. — Celebrated Fights between the Rivals in Europe. — How Commercial Competition rubbed in Salt Water, and Religious Differences Brimstone, into the Wounds. — Memorable Cases of Battle Surgery. — The Relative Merits of English and French Claims to America fully stated: — Deeds of Land and of Arms clash. — French Jesuits with Crosses and Traders with Skins encompass the English Plantations from Maine to Minnesota, and thence to Alabama and Texas. — Marquette, Joliet, La Salle, Lallemand, and others. — The Former escaped the Fast Life of Chicago, and La Salle the Hazards of Natchez. — France seeks to fasten a Remarkable Rosary around the Neck of Young America ; England to cut it. — Suitors to the same Maiden, they suited not her nor each other. — Their soft Ways to her.

— Their Hardness to each other. — Their Long Quarrels over her Person and Purse result at last in a Decisive Fight. — The Championship for the American Belt. — The Champions, the Belt, and the Ring described. — How John Bull and Jean Crapeau stepped into the Latter. — The Nine Rounds from 1754 to 1763. — How Mr. Bull won ; what he said, and how Monsieur Crapeau behaved. — A Suitor pleased, and a Suitor non-suited.

Xin. CAUSES OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION . 229

The People as Yeast. — The Fermentation. — Washington, Samuel Adams, Patrick Henry, Rutledge, Franklin, Otis, and others, and their Value in the Colonial Fermenting Pots. — State Courtships in 1754-17&5 and 1774, tend to a more Perfect Union. — How Home Confidences operate. — Wrhat Effect the English Navigation Acts had on American Swimmers. — Lord North and Charles Townshend. — Colonial Assemblies and Country Dances. — Dislike of Impositions. — That small

CONTENTS.

Boston Tea-Party. — The large Amount of Atlantic Water between the Tea Seller and Tea Purchaser. — When Tea can't be sweetened. — Be-cause as a Cause.

Book Third. The American Revolution

THE FIRST TURN OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WHEEL.

GRIEVANCES ; THE PREPARATION ; THE START. 235

The Hard Lot of the Colonists, and what they got from it. — Colonial Governors, like Old Topers at a Free Opening of a Tavern. — The Miseries of a Visit from Relatives poor and proud. — How, like poor Fowls, the Navigation Acts laid many bad Eggs. — Examples cited. — Parliamentary Laws ingeniously floored and roofed. — English Strabismus, or Squint-eyedness, sought to be made fashionable in the Colonies. — Success in Canada. — English Tubs to catch Revenue off American Slopes. — Manufacture of Hats prohibited ; how and where the Fur flew. — What a Cute Yankee saw from the Top of the American Roof. — How Four Yards are worth more than Five. — Bull-yism defined, and its Laws stated. — The First Bill to raise Revenue ; the large Bird behind it described. — Sent over to America, it was foul-ly treated. — Molasses denied to Colonists. — Effects on Yankee Appetites and on the Increase of Straws in Custom-House Casks. — Stamps and Stampedes. — The Act repealed ; the Sting left in. — Another Bill and larger Bird behind it in 1767. — The First Blood. — The Wheel starts ; its Hub, Spokes, and Periphery. — English Bees swarm over and settle in Boston and other tender Parts. — The Dis-cord-ant Sounds at Concord. — George Washington ; his Appearance and Costume, and what befell him, June, 1775. — Gage falls from a Tree. — Why and Howe ? — Washington seizes Boston Neck. — The Spasms. — Bunker Hill gets a Scar and afterwards an Ugly Monumental Patch. — The Boone Colonists in Kentucky. — How they blazed a-way thither from Virginia. — Washington at Cambridge. — Unseasoned Troops seasoned. — General Montgomery earns Laurels at Quebec mixed with Cypress. — The Revolutionary Wheel throws off Dusty Colonial Governors. — How Washington broke up the Hessian Swarm at Boston,

CONTENTS.

and Howe they flew to Halifax. — Washington attends a Lecture in Boston. — General Lee's Neck-and-Neck Race with Sir Henry Clinton for New York ; Lee ahead 120 Minutes. Sir Henry and a Party of Jolly Dogs alight near Charleston, and how the Waspish Lee lit upon and stung them. — Where the Jolly Dogs then went. — The Wheel well started.

Review of our Historical Journey from the Start up to the Summit of the 4th of July. — Resume of our Tramp through Pre- Columbian and Post-Columbian Times. — Our March from St. Augustine, via Jamestown and the Manhattan Cabins, to the Temperance Tavern at Plymouth. — Descriptions of Indian Interruptions. — Polite Interference of Gallic Gentlemen at Narrow Parts of the Road in 1689, 1710, 1745, etc. — Banditti on the Highways of History, English, French, and Dutch. — Blazing Description of the Summit, the Flagstaff, Flag, and Eagle. — The Grand Political Pic-Nic there of Fifty-one Wise Men. — The Thunder Storms around them ; and their Behavior. — General Account of this Group ; and how remarkable and marked. — Special Portraitures of Thirteen of them. — Some Peculiar Heads there, and how much George HI. wanted them. — Prayer of John Adams. — A Great Freshet of a Speech and what it carried off. — A Remarkable Declaration made by Jefferson. — An Electrical Battery charged and discharged. — The Peppering George III. got. — How he worked Seven Years against the Declaration. — The Gun-powdery Effect of the first Fourth, and the Fire- Crackers since touched off by it. — Independence originally handled without Gloves ; now by Aldermen and very Common Councilmen with a half-dozen pair apiece. — The Fourths up to 1850. — Tar Barrel Eloquence. — Military and Civic Renown snatched on that day. — What Eggs, containing Addling Heroes, pip on that Day. — How Swords embarrass Crooked Legs. — Militia Lines, and what Snarls they get into. — Dissolving Bursts of Golden Glories. — Effects of Sulphur administered to a Rural Population. — Cakes of Gingerbread, and how they stuck in the Teeth, Stomach, and Memory. — Lamentations over the Decay of the Old-time Fourths.

CONTENTS.

III. SECOND TURN OF THE REVOLUTIONARY WHEEL ;

ITS ECCENTRIC BUT ONWARD MOVEMENTS.

1776- 1780 277

English Hawks gather around New York. — Washington watches them. — About an Esquire. — The Way the Germans took Brooklyn the first Time. — How they returned, not to their Mutton, but to Kalbfleisch. — Difficulty of reaching New York from Brooklyn in 1776. — Washington takes a Trip to Harlem. — The British also. — Red Eyes and Disfigured Faces the Consequence. — Lord Howe attempts to get around the American Squire. — The slight Unpleasantness at White Plains. — The different Uses of the Croton Water in 1776 and now. — The Amount of Whiskey it took in 1869 to qualify the Water in New York. — Washington ventures into New Jersey.

— Set-to at Fort Lee. — Washington across Rivers. — Philadelphia covered. — 'Homesickness of Agricultural Lads. — What befell Lee at a Tavern. — Washington crosses the Delaware and drops Christmas ^Presents into German Stockings.

— The Effects of Yankee Doodle on Lafayette, De Kalb, Kosciusko, Pulaski, and others. — Friends of America in England, Fox, Hume, etc. — Friends of England in America. — The Statue and Statutes of George III. repealed. — Battle of Princeton. — The Germans obtain Cider and Sausages at Danbury. — Colonel Meigs tickles the Feet of Long Island, and makes Congress laugh. — Colonel Prescott is obliged to rise very early one Morning at Newport. — Silas Deane and B. Franklin in France. — What followed. — Burgoyne tries to find a back-stair Passage to New York. — Strong Gates in his Way near Saratoga. — Still-Water runs deep. — Brandy- Wine an unpalatable Drink. — French Treaty with America in 1778. — The Wheel moves in Water and turns out French Names. — Crossing New Jersey. Lord Howe collides with Washington at Monmouth. — Count d'Estaing is prevented by an Injunction off the New York Bar from entering New York. — Coquetting, but no Engagement, near Newport. — Buzzard's Bay and its Roosts. — Little Egg Harbor and its Nests, and what was laid there. — The Benefits of the Wyoming Massacre. — Guerilla War at the South. — ; Savannah trounced. — Horse Neck and Putnam's Home-Stretch down it. — Count d'Estaing's Yachting. — Spain hankers for Gibraltar.— England as a Pawn-Broker. — Paul Jones and his Whip.

CONTENTS.

IV. THE LAST TURN OF THE REVOLUTIONARY

WHEEL ; ACCELERATIONS ; SLOWINGS ; THE GRIST. 1780-1783 .296

The different Opening of 1780 for those who pushed and those who obstructed the Revolutionary Wheel. — The Strain on both Sides. — Hard Spring in Charleston in consequence of Leaden Hail-Storms. — How these Storms spread ; and how the Crops were saved from Ruin by Marion, Sumter, and Pickens. — The Carolina Game Cock, and his sharp Spurs in the Sides of Cornwallis and Tarleton. — Gates broken down, and the Presidency lost at Camden. — Greene set up in his Place, proving a good standing Color. — The Village of St. Louis assailed. — Andre humiliates himself, and is Exalted. — Arnold gets $ 50,000, a Brigadier s Commission, and is elected by General Contempt into the Order of Judas Iscariot. — New- Year's Day among the Pennsylvania Troops at Morristown. — The United States Treasury, made less Celestial, becomes Defiled by filthy Lucre. — The Goring and Tossing of Tarleton by Morgan at the Cow-Pens. — An Irish-like Fight at Eutaw Springs. — Southern Hunters around the British Flock at Charleston and Savannah. — The troublesome Seizure of Virginia Assemblymen. — How the Captors missed burning their Fingers with Jefferson's red Hair. — Cornwallis enmeshed at Yorktown. — What Lord North said. — What the English George threatened and what the American George did. — "Let there be Peace"; and Peace was. — What England lost and America gained — The kind of Grist obtained.

V. HOW A POOR CONSTITUTION BROKE DOWN . . 305 Every Community has its Axis of Growth. — That of the Confederation described. — Causes of the Distrust of Federated Power. — How the States preferred to sew up the Treasury Pocket rather than allow their own Agents to put their Hands

in it for necessary Funds. — Facetious Bills of Exchange. — The Shady and Sunny Side of Power. — Similarities and Dissimilarities of the States. — The Committee to draft Confederation Sixteen Months over the Cold Nest. — The curious Knot-ty Grub that issued. — The Spawn of Doubt put to the Nurse of Jealousy. — How it was nursed, starved, and doctored; and what a poor Constitution it got. The Confederate Scheme like a Pine Board. — It could not raise Money, An Army, Credit, Postage, Revenue : in fact, could not

CONTENTS.

raise itself. — The Comic Side of the Franking Privilege. — A desirable Prohibition. — How the Grub became a Caterpillar, and the Caterpillar a Butterfly.— A very Larky Phoenix rises, crowing Yankee Doodle.

Book Fourth. The United States

I. THE FEDERAL CONSTITUTION. 1777-1787.. . 3 1 3

The Constitution as a Resort for Shoppers in Civil Rights.— Every kind of Article to be found either for Ordinary or Exceptional Use. — The Fringe called Preamble; its Thread, Texture, and Quality. — Counterfeit Patterns and Simulations easily detected. — Piles of heavy Cloths for the Country's Winter Use in War, Financial Storms, etc. — Executive and Legislative Ready-made Clothing. — Judicial White Goods. — Hosiery for Congressional Understandings, swift or slow. — A variety of Miscellaneous Wares; Contrivances for catching People with Colored Skins; Habeas- Corpus Non-Suspenders; Muzzles for violent or hungry Congressmen; Handsome Checks on the Treasury; Specimens of tender Gold and Silver; Militia Uniforms; Padlocks for securing Houses against Searches; Jury-Boxes, Trial Balances, and other Goods. — The Sumner Patent. — The latest Novelty to prevent Electoral Black-and-White Suits from being stripped off. — State-Rights Dresses, and strong Federal Out-Fits. — Messrs. Calhoun, J. Davis, Webster, Clay, etc. The Manufacture of bright Buttons, called "Coins." — The Fifteenth Amendment. — Doubtful Packages. — Paper Money as a Substitute for real Money. — Unauthorized Use of the Constitutional Bazaar. — Seekers of Goods never made. — Nicholas Biddle and his Gold Suit. — Everybody suited at the Federal Store. — Of excessively sharp and dense-headed Shoppers. — How Articles are mistaken. — Water-proof Goods for River and Harbor Dredging and for Lighting Coasts. — Of long Selvedges, or Railroad Strips, and their wonderful Elasticity. — Rights and Lefts.

CONTENTS.

II. CONSTRUCTION; OR, WASHINGTON'S ADMINISTRA-

How the Thirteen Colonial Children crept into their New Bed. — The Upholstering described. — Why Rhode Island was last in. — Who tncked her up. — Washington as Superintendent, and John Adams as First Assistant. — The Family low in Credit. — Amount of their Indebtedness compai-ed with ours. — Washington's Inaugural. — His Exemption from Office Beggars, Committees, Pugilistic M. C.s, boring Place-Seekers, enterprising Donors, etc. — Washington as a Spirit. — His Capacity to select a Cabinet. Who they were. — Of Henry Knox. — The Chief Justice and Attorney- General. — Amendments to a perfect Constitution. — The Supreme Court as a sound, seaworthy Tribunal. — Why States cannot be sued by Individuals. — How Governments get around paying Interest on Principle. — Streaks of the Millennium. — Of the Public Debt. — Discrimination among Creditors. — Misfortune of being a Cisatlantic Holder of American Bonds. — Alexander Hamilton's Notions. — Washington's Receptions and Dinner-Parties. — The Political Color of the President's Silver Spoons and Window Curtains. — The Honeymoon of the new Government distui-bed. — Ganderous Long-bills splash Washington. — The French Revolution and its Conundrums. — How answered by Washington and the Federals; how by Jefferson and the Anti-Federals. — The Census Act procures Names without Owners. — The Naturalization Laws and their Pat-rict products. — Polls and Polling-Places. — A Sinking Fund that did not sink. — How Vermont made the Thirteen States old. — An Indian War. — Cincinnati begins. — Kentucky starts. — Mistakes about Bourbon. — Washington's second Term. — What Genet did, and how he was done for. — Helpful Americans. — The Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. — The Year of Treaties ; how they enlarged while they tied us. — Tennessee the Sixteenth State. — Nashville gets warm. — Washington's Farewell, and its cheap Imitations. — The Shades of Office. — Who crept in and who stepped into the Sunshine.

III. OLD FAMILY PORTRAITS . . . . . 340

Modern Photographic Albums like Ancient Roman Simulacra. — The Pleasure of looking at the Likenesses of Friends. — The Portraits of our Fore-Fathers. — Our dear old Great-Grand-

CONTENTS.

father George Washington. — His one hundred and twenty-eight original Portraits. — His unique Character; of the same Size all the Way up. — His Manners and Characteristics. — How the Eighteenth Century, so long mated, refused to survive him. — Our Great-Grand and good Mother Martha Washington. — The Resemblance between her and a Bowl of ripe Strawberries and Cream. — Her Pride. — What Qualities were corseted in her Bosom. — Our favorite Uncle, Benjamin Franklin. — How the Sky got into his Face and how it stays charged. — Looks like an hereditary Director of all the Estates. — A born Trustee. — What an Idea Burns might have got of him in 1774, and how expressed it. — Of our Aunt, Mrs. James Madison; and what a fine Lady she was. — Her careful Dress and Manners. — Impressive but patronizing. — How Time forgot her, and the Years ran on un-notched. — The forty Years she acted as Presidentess. — Patrick Henry described in Dress, Person, shooting Game, and taking Audiences. — Our dear Visitor, General Lafayette; his Difficulties in reaching us; his noble Bride; his Embarkation at a- Spanish Port; his Labors here; his two subsequent Visits, and how he survived Hand-shaking and Kissing. — About John Jay and his Wife Sallie Livingston. — How they lived and what he became. — Glances at Israel Putnam and his expressive Face; at Nathaniel Greene and his squai'e, Quaker Chai-acter; at the Telescopic Eyes of Francis Marion, with a Dash at his soldierly Qualities. — The Effigies of the Wise Men. — General Sketches of our Heroes and Heroines. — A Heart Delineation of the Mothers, Wives, and Sisters of the Men of the Revolution.