At home and abroad; or, How to behave

Front matter

OR,

BY

MRS. MANNERS,

Contents

INTRODUCTION— Why we Should Learn to Behave, - - 7

Behaviour at the Table, --9

Behaviour at the Table— continued, ------ 13

Introduction

The object of this little book is not simply to lit you, my young readers, for society ; not alone to teach what is necessary in order to become ladies and gentlemen, by which words I mean persons of refinement and elegant habits and manners ; it is to aid in the practice of that charity without which all gifts and graces profit nothing ; it is to aid in the great life-cj.uty to " our neighbour ;" it is, in fine, to aid in carrying out Christ's Golden

Rule : —

11 All things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.''''

This is the great reason for learning to behave, for learning true politeness — because Christ commands it ; and all his life, so divinely devoted to the good of others, enforces it. He was the great teacher of Politeness, and he instructed us that it should come from our hearts, and thus overflow our lips and pervade our lives.

Chapter I. Behaviour At The Table

nnilOSE people who are impolite are generally so be- JL cause they were not taught when young to check their own selfish inclinations, and to be thoughtful of the comfort of those around them. No where is this selfishness, which is unfortunately so natural to us, more disagreeable than at the table. Display it in refined society, and you are at once pronounced a vulgar person.

Besides this selfishness, there are bad habits which little people fall into from carelessness that are very annoying to well-bred people. To avoid giving annoyance is one way of showing your kindliness, and desire to please and make happy. I will therefore give you some " hints" which most grown-up persons understand, but which children have to be taught either by precept or example.

Those who are truly well bred are always the same, whether there is any one to observe them or not. Thev do not keep manners for company, which is quite as great an evidence of vulgarity as no manners at all. Those of you who have had the advantage of good examples before you all your lives, are not to be offended

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because some of these rules have been always observed by you. I know many who err in these things, not willingly, but from ignorance ; and very few are perfect in that exact good breeding which renders one an agreeable companion at the table.

There is a story told of one of the most distinguished men our country ever produced, and one whose death we are now mourning as a recent event, that when a youth lie was fitting for college in a certain town in New England, and boarding in the family of some ladies of refinement. They saw that their young guest was possessed of wonderful talents, and lamented that he was so very awkward that it would be likely to form a great drawback to him in society.

" Did you observe, sister, how clumsily he holds his knife and fork, always contriving to scatter and spill his food? How shall we manage to show him better, and yet avoid hurtinsf his feelings ?"

Their nephew, whose father was a wealthy and elegant resident of one of the Southern cities, said at once :

"Let me arrange it, aunt. I will hold my knife and fork awkwardly, but not just as he does, or he may think it is done to mortify him, and you can speak to me about it at the table, and show me how to manage them properly."

Thus it was agreed upon to do ; and , who was

never unobservant of anything said in his presence, learned at once not only how to use his knife and fork, but many other little matters, from the instructions thus kindly given by the good ladies. They appreciated the disadvantage of unrefined table manners, and he, with his mighty intellect, which perhaps would have always excused any clumsiness in the eyes of the world, was thankful to them for hints on table etiquette.

The first thing to be said, because the most disagreeable to observe in others, is this. Never go to the table with untidy clothes or disorderly hair ; and if you have unfortunately done so, do not call attention to the fact by trying to arrange them after you are seated there. I hope you will always, though perhaps you are very young yet, have a clean face, clean hands, and neatly-trimmed finger-nails. You must be particularly careful in regard to your nails, for when long and dirty they are excessively disgusting ; and if you have been employed upon dirty work, it will take but a minute to remove the traces of it from your nails. Do this in your own room, or where you wash your hands, for it is ill-bred to do it before people, as washing your face would be, or arranging your dress or hair.

Having taken }'our seat at the table, do not sit so far from it that there will be danger of dropping your food into your lap, but sufficiently nigh to incline your head over your plate, which should be near the edge of the table. Do not lean your arms on the table, or loll over it, but sit quietly and uprightly in your chair ; and if a blessing is besought, look reverently down or close your eyes till it is over.

If you are served with soup at a strange table, do not refuse it, though you may not wish it, but take it and sip a little, or eat the bread which accompanies it, that you may not make your hostess feel uncomfortable, or disturb the order of the meal by putting her to the trouble of helping }'ou to fish or meat before others are ready for it.

When eating fish, use your fork and a piece of bread to separate it, and remove the bones ; it is just as easy to do, and it does not leave the strong fish taste and smell on the steel. Remove the meat from all kinds of bones before raising it to your mouth.

If you are asked what you would like at the table, reply quickly and distinctly, and do not hesitate or change 3Tour mind, or say you "don't know;" all this takes the time of others, and calls attention to your capricious appetite. Above all things, you are to avoid at the table, as elsewhere, singularity in tastes and habits, as this calls attention to you, and causes remarks, which is unpleasant.

If you are served without being asked what you wish, it is not worth while usually to refuse anything; you can lay it upon one side of your plate, and after a while ask for something }tou like better.

If a choice of a part of a fowl be offered to you, say what you really prefer, unless you know another wishes it, and perceive there is not enough for both of you. Then kindness, or true politeness, requires that you shall not name it, but express a willingness to take any part.

Chapter II. Behaviour At The Table, Concluded

BEFORE I proceed with the rules and instructions I am giving you, I wish to relate a little anecdote, which enforces what I have said about singularity of taste, also about refusing the first course at a table.

I was once invited, with a young friend, to a little entertainment given in the evening to a half a dozen select friends. The first course was oysters, which were served in various styles, and were most deliciously prepared in every way. The table was rendered as tempting as possible by a profusion of silver and crystal, and the finest of snow-white linen. All the company were made so comfortable, were so well pleased with the entertainers and entertainment, that they were all smiles, and abounded in the clever and brilliant conversation for which many of them were distinguished.

My young and inexperienced friend would not for the world have caused a shade to fall over one face in such a circle — but she erred thus, of course not considering how such a little thing would appear.

" My dear," said the hostess, " will you have some of these stewed oysters?"

" No, I thank you."

" Perhaps you would prefer an oyster pdttV

11 No, I thank you," she answered, getting very bashful, however.

" Mr. ," said the lady, addressing her husband,

"will you give Miss some of those broiled oysters?"

" Thank you, Madam, I do not wish any oysters."

" Well, have some butter to eat with your bread?"

" I never eat butter, thank you."

" What ! never eat butter ! What do vou live on ?"

" Perhaps she lives on observation," said a lady by the hostess, in a low voice.

It was an unkind and therefore impolite remark — but Miss Ella had provoked it by a singularity of taste which inevitably annoyed the hostess, and made her feel that, with all her careful forethought, there was one guest whom she had failed to please. Can you not, little reader, see from this why we are to be observrant and careful of the feelings of others in very small and apparently unimportant matters ?

I have seen young people use their own knife in helping themselves to butter, and their own fork in taking articles of food which had a fork laid by them for use. Those who would do this would be very likely to eat with their knives instead of forks or spoons ; the gravy, or whatever else was on it when it left your mouth, is now transferred to the butter, to the annoyance and probably disgust of those who next take some. The same thing may be said of putting your knife into the salt, or your spoon into the sugar.

Do not butter your bread in mouthfuls at a time, or holding the slice off your plate in your hand ; the plate is the proper place on which to prepare this, as everything else.

When you wish to call servants, motion to them ; and if they do not understand you, speak in a low but distinct tone to them. In sending up your plate by them, place your knife and fork securely on it, unless there is a kniferest near you and for your use. You would soil the table-cloth by laying them down on it, and to hold them in your hand is very awkward.

Be careful in serving another from a dish near you, as you may often be required to do, not to strew what you are serving over the plate, but place it where it was evidently designed to go.

Stir up gravies or sauces before serving them, and do not spill them on the cloth, or over the sides of the dishes containing them. If you are quiet, and careful, and do not allow yourself to get flurried in serving or eating, you may avoid all such awkward accidents as spilling coffee or water, or dropping your food, or your knife, fork, or spoon.

If you have acquired the habit of drinking tea and coffee, do not pour them out into the saucer to cool : saucers were made to hold the cup ; they are not properly shaped for drinking. Never blow }^our tea, or coffee, or any of your food ; it sends your breath into the faces of those near you.

When your cup has a handle, as is usual now, raise it by it; and in drinking, incline your head sufficiently to allow of the cup remaining over the saucer, or raise the saucer to it with the other hand.

Never drink or speak with anything in your mouth. Do not watch others while preparing their food, or eating or drinking, and do not look around while you have a cup or tumbler raised to your mouth.

Be especially careful to make as little noise as possible with your lips, or teeth, or throat, while eating or drinking, or swallowing, particularly if eating an apple, or any thing hard. Observe if you now have this bad habit of careless eating, and make a change for the better as soon as possible. I have often known persons of delicate appetite utterly unable to eat anything because they were seated near those who were ill-bred in this respect.

Drink quickly and deliberately, that you may not spill, or choke, or sputter, and always wipe your mouth with the napkin immediately after.

Do not break up your bread on the cloth more than you can avoid, and do not make it up into little pellets, or balls ; or drum on the table with your fingers while you are waiting for anything.

Do not load your plate with what you do not want, or with much more than you can eat; when a rare dish is placed upon the table, do not show greediness by eating immoderately of it. Remember that others may like it as

■veil as yourself, and let their moderation be an example to you. Never eat greedily of anything, no matter how much you may like it, and have the discretion when you have, eaten enough, to cease. It is very disgusting to hear people tell how many buckwheat cakes, or how many eggs they can eat ; this looks very much like living only for the gratification of your animal nature, and places you on a level with brutes. *

Eat just enough while you are at the table to last till it is meal-time again ; then you have no need to carry any thing away with you, or to go to your mother, or to the housekeeper, for the keys to get something to eat " between meals." It is an unhealthy, as well as an ill-bred habit ; if you accustom }^ourselves to eating regularly and as much as you need at your meals, }rou will never have any disposition to eat at other times.

If you are at a strange table and the hostess urges you to partake of any particular dish, do so to gratify her, even though you eat but little of it. You may thus learn to eat something you otherwise would not, and it is well to be able to make a meal of anything that is wholesome, both for your own comfort and that of others, who might be much annoyed if you said you could not eat what they had provided for you. Daintiness is almost as disagreeable a fault as greediness.

When you ask for any thing, say, " I will thank you," or, " please hand" or "pass" or "serve me," or "I will take it, if you please." To refuse, say, "No, sir, I thank you," or "I am very well served, thank you."

Do not eat hurriedly, it is unhealthy; for you cannot masticate your food properly, and it is also ungraceful. If you have guests, be careful not to finish before -hey do, as it might make them think they were eating too much or too long.

Leave your napkin beside your plate, not in it, nor in your chair. Place your tumbler or cup and saucer near your plate, and lay your knife and fork upon it, side by side. Put your spoon in your cup. If you wish more tea, it is customary to signify it by putting the spoon into the saucer.

When you leave the table before the family, it is a good custom to ask the lady of the house to excuse you. But where this is not required, look towards her with a slight inclination of the head, as you quietly move your chair.

There is one more very essential thing to be said. Observe, without appearing to do so, if any one near you seems to wish for anything to which you can assist them. To take care of yourself alone at the table, is unpardonably selfish.

CHAPTEE III.

THE CARELESS GUEST.

SAID Mr. Erskine one morning at the breakfast-table, 11 Carrie, I find John Hanson will be in town to-day, and he so seldom shows himself here, that I should like to bring him home to dinner with me, if you feel equal to the exertion of entertaining a guest."

Mrs. Erskine was truly embarrassed ; she was very much of an invalid, and sat there supporting her head on her hand, and thinking she must lie down as soon as her husband had gone to his office. Now John Hanson was Mr. Erskine's cousin, his companion at school and college, and perhaps he loved him more than any man living. Indeed, Mr. Hanson was worthy of much love, and of great respect. He had a large, unselfish heart, and had been of great assistance to Mr. Erskine in early life, when adversity had almost crushed out all ambition and all hope from his soul. There was no end to the self-denial which John Hanson could and did practise continually to gain the means of doing good. Moreover, he was a ripe scholar, very profound in all his attainments, and gifted with a rare degree of literary taste. Could it be possible that there was a reason why Mr. Erskine should hesitate before bringing home such a friend, so good, upright, wise and generous?

Yes, there was a reason, and Mrs. Erskine knew it, though she had never yet seen the gentleman. With all his refinement of soul, and with all his good heart, he lacked refinement of manner to a sad degree. His awkwardness, his mistakes, his carelessness of all rules of etiquette, were proverbial ; and Mrs. Erskine, besides being an invalid, was a person of great elegance of manner ; the two combining, gave her now a nervous fastidi ousness which was very mortifying and annoying to her, and which made her husband very careful in his manner towards her, and in his selection of guests.

Still she was a sensible woman, and a good wife, and she did not hesitate long.

" Bring him home with you, by all means, Hany. If I cannot make myself agreeable to good, noble John Hanson, I am not worthy to be your wife."

The husband appreciated the love which prompted her reply, and kissing her pale cheek as he left the house, he whispered,

u You are worthy of * a king in state,' dear wife. Take a glass of wine, as Dr. Lewis recommends, with your luncheon this morning, and make as much of that meal as possible," he added significantly.

Five o'clock in the afternoon was the dinner hour, and punctually as the dinner was served in that well-regulated household, the family, with their guest, took their seats at the table. Mrs. Erskine had given Mr. Hanson a cordial greeting, though, her heart misgave her, as she could but notice the coarse, untidy hand, surrounded by a soiled wristband, evidently unbuttoned, which grasped hers. She looked at his face for a relief from the disagreeable sensation ; and alas ! in the wide, smiling mouth, were teeth quite ignorant of the advantages of a tooth-brush, and discoloured by the free use of the cigar, and his head was almost " Medusean" with its wiry locks. Mr. Erskine had politely offered him the use of a dressing-room and toilet apparatus, but Mr. Hanson said, " Oh, no, Harry, I have not been hoeing or digging ditches ; there is no necessity for any such trouble."

After pulling the table-cloth awry, and upsetting the chair next to him, in taking his seat, he commenced eating his soup. "Ship," "ship," "sloop," "sloop," said every mouthful, to the amusement of Mrs. Erskine's little brother, James Gray, and to the annoyance of the lady herself. AVhile talking to Mr. Erskine, the careless guest let a large piece of bread drop into his plate of soup — this he removed in an absent-minded manner, and laid upon the elegant linen, saturated as it was with the rich soup.

When the next course came, he ate his fish with his knife, and then thrust the knife into the butter. When eating roast beef he helped himself from the gravy-boat, suffering the spoon to spill its contents half across the table. The tomato sauce went over the butter and salt in the same manner ; particles of potatoes and a piece of the egg-plant were landed in the salt ; the vinegar cruet was overturned, but fortunately the attentive waiter prevented any damage from it. Not so with his glass of claret, which he set down half on a piece of bread, and which, in spilling, made of course one of those ugly stains which it is so difficult to remove from linen.

Mrs. Erskine could hardly repress a groan as an elegant dish of custard, heaped with the snowy foam, was placed on the table with the dessert, and she tried in vain to keep James from whispering to her, "More sloop, eh, sister!" After this, and various nice dishes in which her cook was skilled, came the fruit : the peaches were eaten without peeling, and over the table, having pushed his plate aside, of course there were streams of the juice, which he removed from his hands by the aid of the fine white napkin, quite regardless of the doily offered him by the servant. He dropped his fork, and poured out his coffee, served in tiny cups, as it was, to cool it ; he scattered water-melon seeds and crumbs of cheese on the floor when he arose from the table, and poor Mrs. Erskine tried hard to be smiling and polite, and to feel truly amiable towards him. She had not eaten anything herself save a small piece of bread; although she tried not to see — and anv one who did not know her, would have supposed that all these awkward, disagreeable things were quite unnoticed by her, yet she had seen and heard all ; and to have eaten any dinner herself would have been a task she could not bring herself to.

John Hanson talked well, even eloquently ; and if she could have listened without regard to her duties as lady of the house, and without caring to eat, Mrs. Erskine would have enjoyed his conversation. His letters were noble epistles, so sincere and manly, and elegantly written ; they always charmed her. So would his conversation have done, if she had not first seen him at table, and when she was under the influence of a nervous delicacy which shrunk from all he did with disgust.

11 Brother Harry," said James Gray, that evening, when the guest was gone, " why does Mr. Hanson eat so strangely ? I never saw such large mouthfuls go into a person's mouth ; and sometimes, when he tipped his knife in raising it, half of the load went into his lap or on the floor."

" James, I thought you were too much of a gentleman to see such things," said Mrs. Erskine.

" Oh, sister, I saw you shiver when he ' slooped' in his soup and ' gulped' down glass after glass of water ; and Jacob had a hard time to keep from laughing at a great many things."

11 If Jacob had laughed he would have deserved to lose his place ; and if you observe a person with such unfortunate habits, James, you ought to be thankful that your mother and sisters have taught you better, and consider attentively whether you are quite perfect in table manners. Did I not hear you say ' yes' when Carrie offered you a piece of toast to-day — and did you not tell me ' No, I don't want any,' when I offered you the melon ? Did you not call Jacob with an expression of disgust on your face which was quite revolting, to take away your coffee, because ' you didn't drink flies' — one chancing, in spite of all Jacob's care of the dining-room, to alight on the edge of the cup and lose his balance on the wrong side ? Did I not hear you say the other clay that you could eat rice cakes as long as you sit up, and did I not see you take up a piece of cold meat that hot morning, and smell it, to be sure it was sweet ? You must be careful, James, that you are without sin, yourself, before you cast a stone at an offender."

James was crimson with mortification. He was observant of some rules of good breeding, and careless or ignorant of others. He could but acknowledge the truth of all his brother-in-law had said and he had the grace to reply, —

': I beg pardon, Brother Harry ; I was very rude to observe and remark on those things. I knew Mr. Hanson was such a good man and so very clever, I was not prepared for such carelessness at the table."

"It is a great disadvantage to John that he is so ungraceful" said Mr. Erskine, " but he is less in fault than you would suppose. He never had the opportunity of profiting by female example or precept — his childhood was passed with an old nurse and a bachelor uncle, as eccentric as himself — his youth at school and college ; and his manhood is blest with no sweet sunshine of woman's refining graces. He boards at a hotel, and seldom visits. So we can only lament his fault, and excuse him for what would be a thousand times more excusable in the brother or husband of Carrie Erskine."

Chapter IV. Personal Habits

rFI HE Chinese have a proverb like this. " You should JL never rub your eyes except with your elbows." This would be a very good rule applied to other features. Some little ill-bred children have a way of using their hands about their hair, or ears, or nose, which is very disagreeable. You will understand what I mean without my saying more upon the subject, fori doubt not many of you have been cautioned not to do these very things.

It is wonderful how unconscious a person is of such a habit, and how it will cling to him. I knew a lady who is now of middle age, and she still sucks her thumb when reading or studying — for she is even now a scholar, though a learned one. I knew a gentleman also, who never could break himself of a habit of biting his nails. He, too, is a literary man, and a close student. He will sit all day in his library, intent over a huge volume, and utterly forgetful of every thing around him, quite unconscious that there is an external world ; and when he joins his family, at the end of the day, his nails will be eaten off "to the quick," and really very painful. He has tried in many

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26 AT HOME AND ABROAD; OE ways to overcome the habit — such as putting on them something which would taste disagreeably, or tying cloths around them, or wearing gloves. He is only conscious for the time of a great annoyance, and the moment it is removed he relapses into his old bad way.

Sometimes people get a habit of spitting — which they do with much noise, as though it gave them an air of importance. The inhabitants of the United States are notorious for it. It accompanies the bad custom of smoking, or chewing tobacco — and it is one of the disagreeable and painful consequences of a bad cold, or of some diseases. That any one, not suffering from these causes, should allow such a habit to grow upon them, is very surprising.

Again, I have met persons who suck the air through their teeth with a loud noise. This is done by such as have hollow and decayed teeth, and particles of food lodge in them, and trouble, or give them pain ; but they should find some way of removing the annoyance, without disturbing their neighbours with it. I have actually heard this done in company, and in church.

Others are in the habit of removing with the ton one food which has lodged about the mouth, in the cheek, or under the tongue itself. Eating is so entirely a sensual, animal gratification, that unless it is conducted with much delicacy, it becomes unpleasant to others. To open the mouth wide, pick teeth at the table, or roll the tongue or the food about, is inexcusable, unless the napkin is used as a shield, which can be done in cases of great necessity.

There is a second kind of personal habits to which I now call your attention. I mean that necessary care of the person or dress which is peculiar to the well-bred.

Commencing with the hair. Can anything be more disgusting than this when it is neglected ? The hair was given to us as an ornament, and with many persons it is a great charm. But hardly one person in fifty uses the brush as much as neatness and elegance require. A good stiff" brush is much more serviceable than an ivory comb. It keeps the hair in better order, and injures the head less. I have heard of some who regularly give their hair a hundred strokes of the brush every day. I would dare say such persons have glossy and handsome locks, which are always beautiful to look at. Neither water, nor oil, nor any of the various preparations in use as restoratives, are needed to make hair shine which is thus brushed.