Mrs. Brown on the grand tour

Front matter

ROUTLEDGE'S ROXBURGHE SERIES.

Unless otherwise specified^ 2s. 6d.

What will he Do with It, by Lord Lytton^ in i vol.

Preface

I'm sure as Mr. Cook did ought to 'ave 'is statutes by law stunk about all over the world, as is a wonderful man ; and as to Brown, I never see a man take more to another in this world, never.

Only I must say as it 'ave broke up our 'ome a good deal a-goin' about so much, and that's the wust of travelling as makes anyone that restless, and j est for all the world like our butcher's ^oss, as never won't stand still a minit, and run away last week, cart and all thro' the boy a-steppin' out with a knuckle of weal oppersite, as ain't a thing as I ever 'as myself, thro' bein' a tasteless jinte at best, smother it with parsley and butter tho' you may, with a bit of bacon, and as to cold, why the werry cat walked away from it, a-turnin 1 up 'er nose; but when I 'eard say as that 'oss J ad run ag'in the apple-stall at the corner, and twisted a wheel off ag'in the

D MRS. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOUR.

lainp-post, I says it's a mercy as poor old Mrs. Grady weren't a-settin' there at 'er stall, with, 'er umbreller up and 'ard of v earin', thro' a-feelin' the draught terrible, as I give 'er myself, thro' bein' a dreadful corner for the wind, and can't J ardly turn it myself at times.

I do say as no butcher's carts did ought to be left a-standin' by theirselves, as is nat'rally timid creeturs, tho' I 'ave 'eard say as the smell of raw meat makes 'em that savage, as it certingly did old Pockington's bulldog, as lived next door to us, and were a carcuss butcher in Clare Market, tho' retired from business, and broke loose one Christmas Eve, and dewoured Mrs. Maltby's sucking-pig, as she'd kep' outside for cool, thro' the weather bein' muggy for the time of year, and espectin' a family party the next day, as is a rich thing to eat along with plum-pudding, so pre'aps were as well as the bulldog put it out of their reach, though she did think as it were out of 'arm's way, with the safe 'ung up ag'in the wall, as the string broke, and in course a easy prey to that beastly dog, as I never could a-bear, bein' that under'ung jest for all the world like old Mrs. Prentiss, with a wall eye a-glarin' at you, as always growled hawful at the sight of me, and give me quite a turn.

But, as I says, whatever could 'ave made Mr. Cook take to them 'scursions puzzles me, a-goin'

MRS. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOTTK. /

all over the world like a wanderin' Jew, not but I've knowed Jews myself as would stop at 'ome for ever like lambs for quietness, as was Mrs. Israel's mother, old Mrs. Isaacs, thro' bein' bed-ridden with rheumatics, and would scream murder if ever they come near the bed, and couldn't bear the sheet over 'er, and never went over the door for more than seventeen years, and did used to like me to drop in for a chat sometimes of a evenin', as taught me a good many of their dishes, cs is partikler tasty, tho' too much spice for me in some on 'em, and as to garlic, why it's downright pison to me, and enuf to blow your 'ead off that strong.

I'd always 'eard tell a deal about Switzerland, thro' Miss Wittle's lady's-maid a-bein' from them parts, as were always a-frettin' about 'ome, as she said as she should die away from, but, law bless you ! give up the idea of goin" back when 'er wages was rose, and of all the skinflints for meanness, she was the biggest as ever I see, so I didn't never fancy the Swiss myself, tho' I must say as them muslins makes lovely dresses.

So when Brown said as he should like to go there up the Ehine, I says, " No, Brown, at your time of life them mountings is a deal too steep, and might fall off 'em, the same as I know'd a young gentleman from Oxford, as fell off the Halps, and must 'ave been dashed into nothin', if it 'adn't

8 MRS. BROWN ON THE GRAND XOtJE.

been as he 'ung by 'is clothes, as shows as good things is best in the end, and were drawed up by a 'ook, tho' dreadful lacerated, but no bones broke."

Brown, he giv' one of 'is jeery larfs, and says, " Why, you old idjot, the Rhine's a river."

I says, " And so much the worse, for, in course, if you was to fall off anywhere into a river, it would be all up with you."

"' All down, you means," says Brown.

" I means what I says, Mr. Brown," says I, " and that is, as you ain't a-goin' playin' the fool with no Rhines nor reasons neither, as the sayin' is, at your age, not with my consent."

He says, " Well, I ain't a-goin' to no Rhines now, but I've fixed for to go to Hitaly and Rome next week, along with my friend Cook, and if you don't like to go, stop at 'ome, and 'ave Liza to keep you company."

I says, " No, Brown, never. I don't deny as Liza is my own child, but she never can be my 'usban', as I've swore to stick to, and stick to I will, if it was even to a divin'-bell, as I proved my words, a-goin' down along with you at the Pollytecnic, as nearly proved my hend, and deaf as a post all that winter, as you well knows, thro' the noise of fixed hair in my ears, as kep' a-rushin' in, tho' wool in both, and never thought as I should draw my breath ag'in, tho' 'appy in the thoughts of

MES. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOUE. !J

bein' choked a-doin' my duty, as is what I've swore to."

" Oh ! " says Brown, " bother your duty, as you're always a-goin' on about. I knows all that, but will you go or not ?"

I says, " If you goes I goes."

He says, " All right, be ready Monday week," and out he walks.

I says to 'im, as he was a-leavin', " It's all very fine for you to bother my duty, Mr. Brown, but wherever would you and the children 'ave been, if I'd been and bolted with a livery-stable keeper ? the same as Mrs. Blwin, the minister's lady, as were off like a lamplighter, as the sayin' is, and come to beg 'er bread, and serve 'er right, too, in my opinion; and as to that livery-stable keeper, he ended 'is days in the 'ulks, so it come 'ome to 'em both."

So Brown, he says, a-shettin' the door, "It would take more than one lamplighter to run away with you, old gal," and off he goes a-larfin'

I'm sure, the time as I were a-referrin' to, 'arf a lamplighter might 'ave blowed me away with a puff, for I was that thin as anyone could span me round with two 'ands, as I'm sure the gownd as I were married in, a gal of twelve might 'ave wore.

As soon as I know'd we was a-goin' to them forrin parts, I got all my things werry nice, not to look out of the way afore forriners ; but didn't

10 LIES. BEOWN ON THE GEAND TOUE.

take nothing but what was useful, and not spilte easy, for I'm sure travellin' is downright ruin to your clothes, and, for my part, I should like to wear everything as is black for under-clothin', for the washin' is a downright mockery with things tore to ribbins in two washes, and charge you that hawful as would be a fortune to poor Mrs. "Wells, as 'ad known better days, and took to the laundry line, near the gas work, down by Kensal Green, and slaved 'er 'art out, and then to be done out of 'er money, poor soul, by them swindlin' parties, as took a fine 'ouse in the name of Swintlers, and kep' asayin' as they'd settle next week, as I says to 'er, " Don't keep on a-workin' for 'em unless paid," for I says, " if they can't pay one week, they can't pay two, so you stop it afore you gets in too deep with them."

But she never see the colour of their money, as was over five pounds, and never 'eld up 'er 'ead ag'in, and come to the alms'ouses in 'er native place, as was somewheres out Barnet ways ; and did ought to 'ave rode in 'er carriage, only thro' 'er father a-puttin' 'is 'and to a bit of paper, as proved 'is ruin; and only shows as with all their blowin' about edication, them as can't write is best off arter all.

Tho' in course your mark might be just as bad afore witnesses as always makes me that careful with pen and ink, as is a thing as 'ave brought on

MES. BEOWN ON THE GRAND TOUB.

more rows than gunpowder itself, tho' I'm sure whatever people can find to write about puzzles me ; and as to that gal of mine, the next time as I ketches 'er a-ritin' off she goes, as nearly set the 'ouse a-fire a-ritin' on the ironin'-board, with a clothes-' orse full of things a-airin' afore the fire, as I'd been and finished ironin' up myself, and then goes upstairs a-sayin', " Maria," as were 'er name, " give a eye to that 'orse," and then to set aritin' on the sly, and never thought of them things till they was all of a blaze thro' a coal a-flyin' out, as in course she couldn't 'elp, but might 'ave ketched up but for 'avin ; 'er back turned to it.

All as ever I feels afraid on in goin' abroad is wars a-breakin' out, as they will do that sudden jest the same as our Joe's measles, as went to bed with a 'eavy cold and a-runnin' at the eyes, as made me give 'im some 'ot elder wine the last thing ; and in the mornin', bless you, was broke out all over, as no doubt saved 'is life, a-comin' out that favourable, as is a 'ealthy sign.

But I must say as a war a-breakin' out wouldn't be a 'ealthy sign for me, as can't a-bear the sight of a gun ; and as to powder, why the fifth of November is my constant dread ever since that time as that young Sam Manders went off with a bang, a-standm' with 'is pocket full of squibs adryin' of 'isself afore the kitchen fire, unbeknown

12 MRS. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOITE.

to his mother, and both pockets exploded at once, and knocked poor Mrs. Challen back'ards into the wash-tub as she were jest a-goin' to empty down the sink ; and 'im not 'urt a bit, tho' it give 'is mother a fit in the back yard, and brought the parish injins to the door, as they played into Mrs. Bulpit's parlour winder jest as she opened it for to ask what was the matter, and brought on a asthma as she carried to 'er grave in the end, poor thing; and made Miss Jacks, as 'ad been bedridden for years, jump up in a jiffey, and run three times round the gardin with nothink on but a blanket and bare feet, till pinned ag'in the dust-'ole by old Pockington's bull-dog, as broke 'is chain over the wall, and no doubt took ^er for a ghost between the lights, and never put on her stockin's no more thro' not a-livin' over two years arter, as shows as life is but a span arter all, as the sayin' is.

They do say as this 'ere Empire of the French is pay, as means peace; but I'm sure if war means more pay he'll go in for that, as Mrs. Padwiok well remembers 'im at the West-end, with 'is boots wore down at the 'eels, and nobody as was decent wouldn't 'ave in their houses; and they do say 'ad to borrow the money of a low-lived waggerbone 'ussey for to pay 'is passage over there for to get the place as he've kep' ever since.

I ain't sich a fool as to believe anythink as that feller may say, and wouldn't no more trust myself to 'im than to 'owlin' wolves.

Brown, he always is a-larfin' at my fears, but as I says to 'im, " It's all werry fine, but you won't larf much when your 'ead is blowed off in the cannon's mouth," as the sayin' is.

He says, " I tell you what it is, if you don't shet up that abuse of yourn ag'in the French Empire, it will end awkward some day."

I says, " I can say what I likes in my own native land, and when in Trance I never makes no remarks, for in course if they likes bein' put upon by such a feller, why it ain't no business of ourn, as 'ave enough to do, what with one thing and another."

Thank goodness, the 'lections is over, for I'm sure I thought as there 'd 'ave been bloodshed in the Tower 'Amlets, as is a rough lot ; and as to the Irish Church, them roughs, they don't know what the inside of a church is, no more than I knows what's a-goin' on inside the moon.

Brown, he was always ag'in the Irish Church, and wanted to 'ave it down.

Well, I says, " 'Ave it down, then, but don't let's v ave no bother about it, as will, pre'aps, be a improvement when down, the same as that one as they've took down at the corner of Fenchurch Street, as was always in the way, and stopped the

14 MBS. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOUB.

traffic, the same as many others in the City, where they ain't wanted, so in course if the Irish don't want the church, let it come down, as is only reasonable," as I said, to Mrs. Martin, as come a-askin' me for money to build the Wesleyan schools.

I says, "Not bein' a Wesleyan, I ain't a-goin' to support it, and shouldn't never think of askin' you to support my religion, as is my own affair."

But, law bless me ! as to them politics, it's all rubbish, in my opinion, for whichever side gets the day we 'as to pay all the same, and_ I'm sure the gas and water alone is downright ruin, and as to poor's-rate, why it's enuf to drive anyone to the workus for to get out of their way, as is bein' left at the door that constant, enough to drive you wild.

Not but what Mr. Arden as collects 'em is a werry nice spoken man, and in course not 'is fault as they runs so 'igh, tho' I do believe as they've been rose all the more, thro' that waggerbone, Old Brooks, as bolted with the lot to Merryker the year afore last, and we see 'im ourselves a-walkin' about over there as bold as brass, a-pretendin' not to know us, and married ag'in to a young gal, as was walkin' with 'im, tho' Mrs. Brooks were a-livin' and 'arty, 'is lawful wife, in the Old Kent Road, along with 'er married daughter.

She come to see me when fust we got back, to

MRS. BROWN ON THE GRAND TOUR.

ask about 'im, and only larfed when I told 'er as he'd proved false, and said, " The old brute, Fm glad on it, for now he can't never return, as Fm glad on, thro' J avin' come into a little property, as he'd soon make ducks and drakes on."

I says to 'er, " Mrs. Brooks, mum, I don't 'old with anyone a-makin' that light of a old waggerbone a-goin' over there and deceivin' a respectable young ooman."

She says, " If she'd been a respectable young ooman, she wouldn't never 'ave married 'im that 'asty, and not 'ave made no inquiries about 'im."

I says, " That's true, that is," and so the matter dropped, leastways for the time, and wouldn't never 'ave come up no more, only but for me a-goin' to stop with my Jane, as lives in a square down near the London 'Ospital, and walkin' out one day met a young ooman as asks me 'er way to the Commercial Road, as I know'd by er talk were Merrykin.

So I says, " I'm a-goin' that way, and will show you with pleasure, thro' 'avin' been in your country, not as anyone ever was civil in showin' me my way about over there."

She says, " Don't say that. What ! been in the States ?"

I says, " Yes, and a large place it is."

She says, " That's so."

I says, " 'Ave you been away long ?"

She says, " Only got 'ere the day before yesterday in a sailing wessel."

I says, " Oh ! indeed."

She says, " I didn't ought to be out now, for my 'usban' told me not to stir over the door, but," she says, "I'm that wild with tooth-ache, so come out to try and get a anerdine, and have lost myself."

I couldn't help a-thinkin' as I see 'er somewhere's afore, so I says, " Is your good gentleman of the Merrykin perswashun ?"

She says, " Oh, dear no," quite sharp, and as we'd got to the Commercial Road, I wished 'er a good day, thro' 'avin' got to the shop where I was a-goin'.

I was kep' a-waitin' in that shop a bit, so walks to the door, and who should I see but that fieldmale Merrykin walkin' with Old Brooks, as were a-goin' on at 'er, I should say, as I know'd in a hinstant, tho' a dark wig on and blue spectacles, as didn't 'ide 'is legs, as was frightful bandy.

In course I didn't take no notice, but then remembered the young ooman as were the party we'd see 'im a-walkin' about with over there.

That werry evenin' I went 'ome, and the next arternoon goes over to see old Mrs. Brooks in the Kent Road.

She was took aback when she 'eard as he were

MES. BEOWN ON THE GEAUD TOUE. 17

in town, and. says, " Then he's 'eard about the bit of money, whatever shall I do ?"

Well, while 'er and me and 'er daughter were a-talkin' about it over a cup of tea, jest at dusk, if a cab didn't draw up afore the 'ouse, and out got the old willin,

I says, " Don't let 'im see me ;" " Nor me neither," says Mrs. Brooks, so we 'urries into the back parlour, as was foldin' doors, tho' a bed-room, and in he comes, a-pretendin' to be that anxious for to see 'is dear wife, and a-goin' on.

'Er daughter, as he wasn't father to, thro' bein' a-widder, she says, " My mother don't want nothink to do with you."

" Oh ! " he says, " that's your game, is it, then I'll show you who's master." He says, " Let me see my wife immediate, or I'll break the doors down with" — and I 'eard 'im give a jingle with the fireirons, and 'eard Mrs. Chadwell, as is the daughter's name, give a start like, so I opens the door and walks in.

He says, " I don't want you, Mrs. Brown, but my wife, as you ain't."

I says, " No, thank goodness ; but," I says, " if you wants your wife, you'd better go back to Mcrryker for 'er."

"Oh!" ho says, "you old slanderer. What, you've been spreadin' them lies 'ere, 'ave you ? "

18 MRS. BROWN ON THE BRAND TOUR.

"Yes/' I says, "I've been savin' as you've got a wife in Merryker."

He says, " It's false ! "

I says, " So it is ; I begs your pardin', you ain't got a wife in Merryker, 'cos she's 'ere, a-livin' near the Commercial Road."

He gave sich a start.

I says, " Tho' pre'aps I'm mistaken, for Old Brooks, as is there with 'er, 'ave got a black 'ead of 'air and blue spectacles."

He couldn't say a word, bein' that staggered. I

So I says, " Mrs. Chadwell, send for the perlice, we'll soon settle this."

She give a move to the door, but, bless you, he was out of the 'ouse afore you could say Jack Robison, as the sayin' is, and never showed 'is face ag'in, and they never took no trouble about 'im, so we 'ad a good larf over it, leastways, Mrs. Chadwell and me, for she never could a-bear the sight on 'im, as 'ad treated 'er 'arsh when a gal, and tried to rob 'er into the bargain, as was 'is base ways — as always were a thief — and I v ope J ave gone back to Merryker, where he'll find plenty like 'im, not but what there's rogues all over the world, as is 'uman natur' no doubt.

But as to them Merrykins a-goiu' on, as some on 'em does, a-sayin' as they don't believe nothiuk, all I says is, it's Hke their ignorance.

I'm sure there was a Mrs. Tripp, as lived over there, she begun a-talkin' to me one evenin' about what she didn't believe, so I says, " Oh ! indeed," a-tryin' to pass it off, but she would keep on, till at last I says, " Whatever you do believe or don't believe, don't make no matter to me, nor to anybody else, for all I can see ; and as to your asayin' as you won't believe nothink but what you understands, it's all werry well for anyone as is as clever as you are, as, in course, knows all about everythink, but," I says, " it's a bad look out for any one as ain't that clever, 'cos they might 'appen not to believe what they did ought to, or take to believe in somethink as they didn't."

She says, " Oh, it's all 'umbug ! "

I says, " In course it must be as you says so, 'cos, of course, you've got up a deal earlier than everyone else, and can prove your words."

She got that wild, a-sayin' as I were a-turnin' 'er into redicule, as knowed a deal thro' 'er father 'avin' been a preacher.

So I says, " Well, there's plenty of them about, and it's a pity as they don't agree, 'cos," I says, "one says one thing and one another, and while anyone's a-makin' up 'is mind which he's to listen to, he takes ill and dies, and never makes up 'is mind at all."

She says, " You don't know nothink about it."

" Well/' I says, " you're not goin' to teach me, any'ow ;" so I says, " let's drop the subject," but law, she wouldn't let it alone.

So at last I says, " Oh, you're a ass ! and I won't talk to you," as shet 'er up in a crump, as the sayin' is, and so the matter dropped.

Chapter I

I must say as Brown took me aback, as the sayin' is, when he told me as we must go over to Paris to start.

I says, " What ever do you mean ; why, startin' is startin' all the world over, as means leavin' 'ome."

" Yes," he says ; " but the reg'lar start is from Paris, as we're to jine on Toosday."

" What," I says, " for all the world like a sailor a-jinin' his ship, as is in general in liquor ; but," I says, " I do 'ope as Mr. Cook won't have none that refractory like young Walker, as they was obligated to put in irons for the fust ten days, as would spile the pleasure of the trip, let alone bein' werry ill-convenient to the other passengers," as I well remembers myself a-comia' up in the train from Woolwich with a deserter, as 'ad been drinkiii > and were 'audcuffed, smokin' a short pipe, and made

'isself werry unpleasant thro' a-spittin' the wrong side, as is what sailors calls windward.

There wasn't no use a-grumblin' nor a-growlin', for I 'ad to be ready, as Brown 'ad give the word ; and when I come to look round me, I did 'eave a sigh at the thought of leavin' my 'appy 'ome, with the clean winder- curtings up, and my bed like the driven snow thro' a clean quilt, as in course I took off; in fact, locked up my room, for I don't stand nobody a-sleepin' in my bed for to keep it haired, as the warmin'-pan will do in a quarter of a 'our at the outside, as you can see the end on, and don't lead to no 'arm.

The trouble it was a-puttin' things away, and leavin' the place just as I wanted to find it, nearly wore me out, for I wasn't goin' to 'ave no lettin' friends or relations take care on it. Oh dear, no ; so I gets Mrs. Walters to come along with 'er little granddaughter, as she's all alone in the world with, and got a little to live on ; so what I could pay 'er 'elped to keep the wolf from the door, as the sayin' is.

Poor soul, she's supped sorrers by the ladleful, as the sayin' is. With a large family as she buried under nine, all but one gal, as turned out bad and broke 'er father's 'art, and died in the work'us when the little gal was born, as is turned eleven, and a 'ard pinch for 'er grandmother to keep, as she were not bound to, only in course kep' 'er word, as she give in my presence to 'er dyin' child, as I never shall forget that evenin'.

It was just about Christmas time, with the snow on the ground, and Brown was away, and thro' me bein' solingtary 'ad took my tea early, and 'adn't 'ardly washed up the things when a tap come at the door, as I thought was the boy with the manglin'.

So I opens it with the tea-cloth in my 'and, and who should it prove but Mrs. Walters, as pale as a ghost, in her widder's weeds, as 'ad only berried Walters that day six weeks, thro' a fall from a scaffoldin' ; and bein' a plaisterer by trade, as stepped back'ards without a-thinkin', and never spoke no more, tho' picked up and took to the 'ospital on a ladder, as was the nearest thing at 'and.

I was werry much surprised to see J er, thro' knowin' as she been confined to bed with 'er lumbago, and says, " Mrs. Walters, whatever brings you out sich a evenin'."

" Oh," she says, " Mrs. Brown, my poor unfortunate gal," and busts out a-cryin'.

I says, " Set down, that's a good soul, and don't fret arter 'er, as ain't worth your tears," through a-knowin' as she'd gone off with the lamplighter, tho' a married man.

24 MRS. BK0WN OK THE GEAND TOOT!.

" Oh," slie says, " they've sent for me from Whitechapel Work'us, a-sayin' she's dyin' there."

I says, " Bless my 'art, and not eighteen."

" Yes," she says, " she's been there this three weeks and never let me know, and," she says, " it's that knocked me down, that I can't 'ardly crawl."

I says, " Shall I go for you ? "

She says, " Would you mind a-goin' with me ? "

I says, " In course not, and won't be a minit gettin' ready." Nor more I wasn't, so I called to Mrs. Challin, as lived jest at the back, to come and give a eye to the 'ouse, and off we set.

In them days we wasn't over flush of money ourselves, as the sayin' is, and I know'd as that woman was as poor as a church-mouse, as the sayin' is.

So I takes all the money I 'ad in the 'ouse, as were only one and ninepence, a-leavin' three'apence for the nianglin', as I were espectin' 'ome, and off we started, a-gettin' a bus at the corner of the street, as set us down at the work'us door.

I 'opes it ain't sinful, but I always did 'ate the work'us, and many a time 'ave slaved away a-denyin' myself my 'arf a pint of beer, when I wanted it, to save the money for fear of it ; and now, as I'm thankful to think, as I'm not likely ever to want, I can't a- bear the idea of the work'us, as is a gashly

MRS. BK0WN ON THE GRAND TOUB. 25

'ole, and I'm sure that night as poor Nancy Walters died, it did seem more awful than death itself.

Poor thing, I never see anyone more frightful altered than that poor girl, with a infant not above a week old. She took on dreadful at fust when she see 'er mother, but when that was over she got quite quiet, and nestled 'er 'ead on 'er mother's bosom, and says, " Mother, don't let this poor baby stop 'ere."

Her mother couldn't 'ardly speak for sobs, but she promised 'er as she'd take it, and that seemed to soothe the poor thing, as died within a 'our of the time as we got to 'er, so me and Mrs. "Walters brought the child away the day arter we'd follered that poor gal to 'er grave, and I will say, as if ever milk and water did their duty by a child in this world, it did 'em by that baby, as thrived wonderful, when them as is born to fortins never can't be brought up by 'and, as shows as there ain't no tellin' what we're born for.