Blasts from a ram's horn : Meetin matters on the Ciderville sirkut : Sayings, sermons, and lectures

Preface

THE subject matter of this volume originally appeared in the newspaper of which the author is editor. It is published as a book, not only to give it wider circulation, but to accommodate those who have expressed a desire to have it in a more permanent and convenient form.

The matter in Part First appeared in the shape of Letters, supposed to have been written by one brother to another at a distance, describing things occurring in the Church and community at home. They seem to have been written at irregular intervals, covering a term of years. The extracts given in the book are not in the order in which they were published in the paper, but are rearranged, the better to divide them into chapters.

It has been the aim of the author to photograph people and things just about as they may be seen on the average country circuit. The characters are mostly living people, though it

PREFACE.

would perhaps be hard to find them all in anyone Church. Many of the incidents occurred very much as they are given, and the most of the others are based on things that have really happened. The things which many would suppose to be exaggerations, are generally the ones where the whole fact has not been stated, lest the occurrence should be discredited as improbable.

The author's aim throughout has not been simply to entertain, but he has prayed that God would use what he has written to help extend his kingdom. The author came late into the vineyard of Christ, and is anxious to make every day count for the Master. He hopes that many will be led to seek the kingdom of God by finding out, from some of the life-pictures presented, that they are still outside of it. This is his only reason for engaging in the portrait business on such an extensive scale. In the Second Part, the aim has been, by different ways, to endeavor to turn the thoughts of the reader toward God.

Indianapolis, Ind., May 2, 1892.

The Two Beggars, 357

CHAPTER XL From Chaos to Rest, ,~2

Introduction

T7UJAH P. BROWN is a true John Baptist— -* — ^ "the voice of one crying, Prepare ye the way of the L,ord; make his paths straight." He dresses like other men, but his voice and his pen proclaim him to be a true prophet of God.

Thousands of people have been awakened in reading "Into and Out of Infidelity," the story of our prophet's conversion. Other thousands have been stimulated and inspired by the regular weekly blasts from The Ram's Horn. Yet other thousands will now be established in the ways of righteousness by the mature wisdom of this book.

Canon Farrar has been calling on God to send the Church another rprophet. And God has answered, as he always answers, by sending a good many prophets "before" the "call" was made. God always anticipates our wants. So we have in England such true prophets as Canon Farrar, and General Booth, and Hugh Price Hughes. Farrar is at home in Westminster Abbey, with a beautiful liturgical service ; and Booth is at home in the

slums, with a tambourine band; and Hughes is at

8 INTRODUCTION.

home at either of these extremes, though he works chiefly with the main body of the Lord's army which is between the extreme wings represented by Farrar and Booth. In our own country we have such true prophets as Phillips Brooks and Dwight J^. Moody, both of whom have vast power before audiences. But among them all, no one has such gift of stating truth with epigrammatic force as our prophet. Manifestly God has given him power to state the truth with such directness that the average man, and all men, can see that God lives, and that Righteousness is his name. It is no wonder that the daily papers, from Maine to California, are regularly quoting The Ram's Horn. When the bullet hits the bull's-eye, every one shouts, Bravo ! When the truth is made as clear as sunshine, every one is moved to find some way to say, Amen !

The prophet always is marked as one with eyes to see what is genuine; and, so, what is of God. He can see the shams in religion, in politics, in business, and in society. When he sees, he speaks. To see the truth, to speak it, and to live it, is the duty of every man. And the man who is willing to accept grace to do these things, becomes the Lord's true prophet. Unhappily, we never have an adequate supply of prophets in this world, though we need them more than we need money, or fine clothes, or cupolas on our houses, or fresco-

INTRODUCTION. Q

ing on our churches. Why should not every man be full of righteousness?

The true prophet is recognized at his home when there is any worthy character there. Jesus said the prophet is not without honor save in his own country. That is always true among a people of indifferent morals and dull eyes. When the people have clear eyes and pure hearts the prophet has vast power at home. So our prophet is eagerly sought in every pulpit and in every revival meeting at his home, where he has the undisputed reverence of the pure in heart. There are two witnesses to character in this world: One is the abidance of the Holy Ghost, and the other is the reverence of the pure in heart. So earth and heaven agree.

Every reader of this book will find himself built up in the faith. The light needs no introduction, because it is good for the eyes. This book needs no words of praise, because the truth is sweet to the heart.

HENRY A. BUCHTElv.

Indianapolis, July 1, 1892.

Part First. Meetin Matter? on the Cidervilie Sirkut

$ele<;tioi}5 fro/i\ tl?e Cetter$ of

Silas Ganderfoot, of Muskeetur Kounty,

Jo l?i$ Brother Je$$.

Chapter i

THE CIDERVILLE MEETIN HOUSE. f\T) Introduction to 5ome of tl?e /^embers.

KURNEL SOUNDIN BRASS is the hed man ov Ciderville now. Heze ben amungst us from a boy almost, and is ez well known all over Muskeetur Kounty ez the taste ov quinine. He was razed in Chinkbug Township, and was a boy who wudent never march behind nobody else. If he cudent carry the flag hisself, and be rite up in frunt all the time, he wudent play.

It pears ez tho he was born with a good strong opinyun ov hisself, and heze never got intirely over it. He thinks more ov his own gjfts to this day than a woman duz ov a lookin-glass ; but I spose heze got a rite to, fur I tell you heze got sumthin in the bank to show fur it. The Kurnel duz own a preshus lot ov good payin property, Jess, as sure ez you liv, and theres no two ways about it. He owns the Ciderville Steem

x3

Mill, the Wahoo Kreemery, the Lizzardsburg Wool Faktry, and the Shakeville Tannery. Besides this, heze president ov the Muddy Water Bank ov Kommerse, and he owns most all the stock in the Goostown and Ciderville Gravel Road, to say nuthin ov his big Gineral Store and Tin Shop in Ciderville, where you kin buy evrything frum pins to peppersass.

Fur nearly thirty yeer Kurnel Brass has bought about evrything us farmers has had to sell, and he hez sold us about evrything we hav had to buy, konsekwently it has kum to be the most natcheral thing in the wurld for us to depend on the Kurnel fur about evrything we need, from breadstuff to religyun; and so whatever Bruther Brass has to say weginerally kunklude is about so, outside ov munny matters, and ez he has snuffed so we hav sneezed.

Anuther man that you cudent help seein, if you shud kum to our meetin-house and leeve yer spex at home, is Bruther Tinklun Simbul. Heze alwuz drest up like a stump speeker, and has a look ez knowin ez a man who shaves notes fur a livin. He wears gold spraddle glasses on his knoze, and puts on a clean shirt evry day in the week. He peers to knflj,'. a heep, and kin make a speech most any tinifc' about anything, frum small-pox to stickinplasters, in a way grand anuff to print in bloo ink in an almanick. Bruther Simbul has never ben made bo-legged by carryin munny in his pockets, and if he had to swop his own swett fur bread, sum ov us thinks it wud be mighty seldum he wud ever hide them nice store teeth ov hizzen in pie; but for lookin like korn in tossle, and

Introduction To The Members. 15

sayin snappy things ez sudden ez a gun goin off you cudent find a man enny wheres who cud hold a kandle to him. His wife keeps a bordin house, and the bordin house keeps him, without his havin to break his hart by thinkin about hard work. It was a lucky day fur Bruther Simbul when he married Sairy Jane Spry. Land knows what wud hav bekum ov the poor man if it hadent a ben for her. Sum ov us broached the matter to him one day in a joke, and it skairt him most to deth.

Isum Klover is a man who haint never ben mutch akount, till about eight or ten yeer ago, whenhe jined Church wun nite durin a pertracted meetin. Me and Squire Boxwood, and sum more ov us wheel hosses, only giv him three munts to hold out, and we all dun what we cud to inkurridge him, by givin him to understand that when he got to behavin decent, mebbe wede fellership with him, and giv him sum work to do; but to the amazement ov evrybody, he purseeded immejit to quit drinkin whisky and kard playin, and kunsiderable other permiskus devilment he had ben up to fur a long spell back, and then he sot rite down to good behavin as stiddy ez tho he wanted to git elected to ofnss. He went to work like a boy eatin pie frum that very minit, and pade his dets, and fixt hisself up with sum new cloze, and soon begun to look ez brisk ez a skule teacher. The fust thing anybody knode, old Isum had bought a little patch ov land frum Kurnel Brass, over in the Bean Blossom settlement, and, notwithstandin the perdickshuns ov all ov us that he wud soon be back in the ditch wuss thun ever agin, he kep rite on, worjdn faithful, watchin his peeze and kewze, mindin his own bizness, and goin to meetin nearly as reglar as the preecher; and to-day the old feller akshully. owns a jmrty good little farm ov his own, and peers to be a prosperin like blackberries on rented land. I dont think I ever seen anything in a story book that was more beatin than the way Isum hez turned out. In sum ways he is the beetinest man I ever seen with a hat on. I honestly bleeve heze got it into his hed that to be religyus means to behave 3'ourself evry blessed minnit, and I dont bleeve that he wud tell a thing that he knode wuzzent about so iif he cud make forty dollars by doin it; and if that haint runnin goodness kleer into the ground, Jess, what do you call it? I bleeve in lookin ez solium in meetin- as the next wun, but when I hav a chance to swop an old hoss fur a yung wun by tutchin up his teeth a little with a phile, I alwas kunsider it my bounden duty to do it; fur Ive heerd more thun wun preecher say that the L,ord alwas helps the man who helps hisself, and I kno Bruther Skybuster has sed, time and agin, that the feller who wont fether his own nest when he kin, is a good deal wuss thun he ort to be. If evrybody wud liv akordin to the progamm Isums a tryin to karry out, Ide like to hav sumbody tell me how the dockturs cud ever tell whether a body was krazy or not.

I furgot to tell you that Bruther Skybuster is our preecher now. He- has been on this sirkut three or four times, off and on, and I speckt heze married, baptized, and buried more people than any man in shiny cloze you most ever sot eyes on. I

Introduction To The Members. 17

tell you, Jess, heze dun a power ov good amungst us, but then of korse he got paid fur it. Rube Jinkins- giv him two dollars in munny and four bushels ov korn jest for preechin his seckund wifes funeral, and it dident take him more thun an hour and a haff to do it nuther. Its amazin to me that more bv the preechers dont git rich. I dont know how it is with you, but amungst us its got so that you cant step into a meetin-house any'lmore but what its munny fust thing. The hat, is shoved under your nose right away to begin with, as soon as the singin is over, before you kno-anything about what kind ov a sarmint yore a goin to git.

Preechers are alwuz a talkin about salvashun bein free, but I tell you they pop it to us fur their preechin most onmerciful out this way. Religyun is a good thing, but I think sumtimes that it kums skandlus high with us. It costs me sixteen dollars a year, wet or dry, to belong to meetin, and I believe I cud behave jest about ez good if I never got within a mile ov a meetin house. Sumtime I hav a big noshun to do it, and save the munny ; but the old woman gits at me, and sez we wudent be thought mutch ov, and that might make a difference with the gals in marryin ; besides which we kin pay the preecher in a lot ov things the pigs wont miss, and so lookin at it in that way, mebbe its jest about ez well fur us to keep on doin our sheer towards keepin the old gospel ship a goin; but I tell you, Jess, it makes me feel like a streak ov roomatiz sumtimes when a kulleckshun is bein took up that nuthin but munny kin go into. When the preecher kums to your house to dun you, you kin give him punkins and dried apples, but you cant git shut ov him that way in meetin before folks.

Unkel Peeleg Wilkins is wun ov the members that weer not ashamed ov. In fakt heze wun ov the most forehanded men weeve got, and outside ov Kurnel Brass I dont spoze theres a man in Rackune Township that knoze better how to skin an eel and save all the hide and taller than Unkel Peeleg duz. He has rite smart ov religyun, but you wudent never mistrust it if you dident hear him talk in meetin; but when you kum to mutiny, evrybody knoze heze got that, bekawz weeve most all ov us had to go to him and borry at sum time or uther. Frum the way he lives tho, yude think he wuzzent wuth a butejak, fur altho he owns more thun seven hundred ikers ov land, and has more munny a drawin interest than a skule mam cud figger up, he lives in a. little kabbun ov three rooms, away back on Mildoo Krick, and keeps his hosses in a log barn that birds cud fly thru. Heze down on karput and books and pikters and all kinds ov gimkrax, and dont hav no sech nonsense around his house. Heze ■as onasumin ez a ground mole, and dont put on no more stile thun a stone jug, but I tell you heze all wool in munny matters, tho its harder work thun runnin a cider-press to git mutch out of him fur meetin purpusez.

Sister Brass is a powerful fine womun. Sheze Kurnel- Brasses wife, but that dont peer to make no difference with her. In her place most anybody else wud be ez domineerin as a banty rooster, but she haint. Sheze a little womun, but sheze got a

Introduction To The Members

dredful big hart. It duz beat all how she kin make the sun shine in a sick-room. When our boy Hyrum was so sick that he neerly dide last winter with them shakin spazzums, that little womun left her own children and kum all the way out to our house and sot up with him, and it seemed ez tho that frum the very minit she laid her hand on his lied the child begun to mend, and it wuzzent a week before he was up and around agin. I tell you, Jess, sheze solid gold, tho she is ez plain ez a yarn mitten, and dont wear no more jewelry than youde find on a hat- rack. If I was raal bad sick I wud ruther huv her around the house thun four dollers wuth ov medicine. She dont hav very mutch to say, but she has ways about her that makes evrybody who kums ny her want

to jine meetin. If we had a few more like her it wudent take so turrible mutch hard preechin to keep the jails empty.

The next man I want to tell you about is Bruther Kalup Chiller. Heze not sech a turribul solium lookin man at a public sale or a shootin match, but whenever he gits up to tawk in meetin you most feel ez tho the sun was a gittin reddy to set. He wears big bloo specks, which gives his hed a kind ov a skullish look, and you never see him without a big red hankercher tied klose around his neck. He most alwas smells of liniment, and sneezes ez tho he was jest ketchin fresh kold agin, but heze a dredful good man. Nobody kin see him in meetin without sayin that. It dont peer to be no trick at all fur him to be religyus, and they say that whenever he tawks in Sunday skule evry child there looks most skairt to deth.

Nate Forbus is a splendid main strength singer, tho he dont kno a note frum a hoss fly. He lernt what he knoze about muzik frum beetin the base drum in the millishy He has a voice that matches Bruther Skybusters preechin most splendid, and if thaide only keep out the quire, and give Nate full swing, I bleeve wede soon hav meetins that fokes wud kum miles thru the mud to see. Theres wun drawback about Nate tho, and that is, you cant never depend on him when there happens to be meetin on lodge night. They say heel nearly go without eatin to kum to Church at any uther time; but if anybody is a goin to ride the goat, hede purty ny giv up his chance ov goin to heaven ruther thun not be there. Nate has a wife who cudent tell you the name ov any Joo who ever lived in Jerusalem, but she kin giv you the family histry ov evry man, woman, and dog who ever lived within ten mild ov Ciderville. She talks like a teem runnin down hill, and tells you the same things over and over agin evry time she sees you. Sheze pizen on noo kloze and bright kullered bonnets, and wud ruther dress up and set where she cud be looked at thun talk about a nabur she was at the outs with.

Introduction To The Members. 21

Bruther Sollymun Gimps is a man with sum streaks about him that wud put you in mind ov Kurnel Soundin Brass, tho mebbe he haint so hy strung, and is a heap more keerful with his munny. He likes to be made a heap ov in meetin, and if the preecher dont kail on him to pray about evry so often it makes him look like I feel when my feet is frosted. Bruther Gimps has a purty prayer that heze ben a makin ever sense I kin remember, and it peers to do him lots ov good to git a chance to say it, tho its so tumble long that heze about the only wun in meetin who haint tired kleer out when he gits thru with it. I dont bleeve theres anything under the sun that Sollymun ever furgits when lie gits to sayin that prayer, onless it is to ask the IvOrd to make him a little more free handed with munny. Bruther Gimps is a man who wud also make a number wun iggszorter if his lungs was only ez good as his intenshuns, but he gits intirely out ov breth rite when he ort to be a razin the* shingles. If Sollymun only had better lungs he cud do lots ov good in the Church. -He pays fur his preechin in milk, and always shuts his eyes and sings with all his mite when the basket is a bein passed around in meetin.

Squire Boxwood is a man we kin alwas kount on fur anything «except reddy munny. Heze a tiptop long meeter singer, and alwas makes his brags that he has served his day and gineration faithful ; and I spoze mebbe he has, fur Ive never heerd nobody kounterdickt him.

Anuther ov our main sleepers is your unkel Pinnyrile Jinkuns, who married paps youngest sister.

He dont kum to meetin very reglar, bekoz he alwuz was a tumble feller to walk around over his place on Sundays, to see how the krops is a- doin, and chink up the hog holes in the fences, and plan out work fur his hands to do on Mondays; but Pinnyrile has alwuz ben a purty good hand to pony up and help pay the preecher, tho heze sure to do a monsus site ov growlin over it afterwards.

Whenever I see Sister Peggy Damper kum to meetin a lookin chirked up and happy, I kno its bekaws sheze got two kinds ov meat in the house, fur it peers as tho her standin in the Church alwas depends a good deal on how the times is. If there wuzzent no drawbacks nur distresses in this world, and she cud alwas hav things jest like she wants um, Sister Damper wud be a monsus happy person. But the trubble is that as soon ez hard times kums in site she sez she haint sure but what the Bible was jest got up to fool foax, and that if there raaly was a Lord as good ez the preechers sez there is, he wudent let her man be out ov work so much, nur he wudent let her git so dredful skeerce ov bredstuff whenever she puts a noo dud on her back. She alwas frets a good deal when she cant hav evrything go to soot her. Jest as sure as she puts her bred in the uvvin to bake, and steps over to a naburs fur a minnit, to see whether she has heerd what they say about Mirandy Griggzes man, its sure to burn up before she gits back agin, and that makes her git evry bit as mad as she yust to do before she jined meetin. Sister Damper sez that sumtimes she gits jest about diskurridged, bekaws its sech monsus hard work to behave yourself the way the Bible

Introduction To The Members. 23

sez you must, when things dont go rite. Her noshun is that belongin to meetin is wun thing, and keepin your dander down is anuther.

Bruther Nimrod Softsodder is as good a man in meetin as I think I ever laid eyes on, and if it cud only be so mannidged that he cud alwuz live in site ov a pull pit, Ime not sure but what it mite soon be wuth while fur sum ov the angels to kum and take lessons frum him. But the great trubble is to keep him frum backslidin on week days, while heze a raslin with the wurld barehanded in bizness matters. He kant say a dozen words in meetin hardly, before heze a weepin like a hoss a swettin, and he wants to go right over to the golden shore and make his home there; but jest as like ez not, if you hav any deelins with him the nex day, heel skin you till your marro feels chilly. Ime satisfied that he means well, but he haint wuth a huckleberry fur karryin out his intenshuns. About the only way you cud ever git him to liv rite along akordin to Skripter, thru thick and thin, meetin or no meetin, wud be to pay him more fur doin it thuu he cud make in his own way.

Jim Teester is a fust rate good Church member when there haint no dances a goin on ; but the trubble with Jim is that heze a ruther good fiddler, and whenever the party season kums around, the boys git after him to play fur dances, and away he goze like a kow in a buckwheat patch. It will depend a good deal on what time ov year Jim dies as to whether he will go to heaven or not. Jim is also the sextunt, and if there ever was anybody who was born fur the bizniss Jim is the feller. It

5\ CIDEkVlLLE SIRKUT MEETIN MATTERS.

kums ez natcheral fur him to hav the house bilin hot, when the preecher and evrybody else wants it kold, ez it duz fur me to want to go to meetin without a koller, and he kin kum ez ny lettin the fire go out, rite when he hadent ort to, ez anybody who ever killed a meetin with a poker. When he has the room a sizzin, and the preecher and the fokes jest wont stand it no longer, and he has to open sum ov the winders, he makes all the noise

he kin, short ov breakin the glass kleer out. Anuther thing that helps Jim to let all the fokes kno that heze in the meetin house is the skreechin shuze that he wears. I dont kno whether he gits um made that way a purpus or not, but it seems as tho that mutch fuss never cud git into shu lether by axident. Jim has a d,og who peers to hav a noshun in his hed that the meetin wudent be mutch akount onless he was there, and so he tends a heap more regler thun sum ov us perfessers do. He trots all over the house durin meetin time, ez tho he wanted to see fur hisself that evrybody had all the room they wanted, and sumtimes he stirs up a heap ov trubble by makin the yungsters giggle. Ive seen the preecher look at him more thun wunst as tho he wished that he was pizened. I dont kno ez Jim Teesters

Introduction To The Members. 25

boy is any wuss thun anybody elses boy, but he thinks its smart to hav two teeth out in frunt and chaw terbacker.

Sister Skybuster, the preechers wife, is a dredful hy strung womun, and ez tutchy ez a kolt that haint never had a bridle on. She haint no more like her old man in disposishun thun a churn is like a mill hopper, and she speaks her mind as free sumtimes as I wud water kabbidge plants. While Bruther Skybuster hisself never disagrees with nobody about nuthin except baptism, and will take anything on quarteridge that will hold together ontil it kin be got to the passunidge, his wife haint a bit that way. and when she dont like a thing she tawks rite up and sez so without makin no bones about it. Bruther Chiller sez heze got so that heze almost afeerd to go there any more with things that he cudent sell at the grocery, and so whenever he has anything fur the passunidge that his pigs wont eat, he ginerally makes sum ov his yunguns take it up. He sez the last time he was there he tuke a bucketfull ov pickels that wuzzent spilt so very mutch, and he thawt sure the womun wud skawld him before he cud git bak into his waggin agin. It seems to me that a preechers wife ort to be more religyus than to jaw a man as old as Bruther Chiller is.

The Widder Good is a womun who washes fur a livin, but altho she is turribul poor and has a dredful hard time to git along, she peers to injoy livin in this world most as well ez sum fokes who dont hav no religyun; but mebbe thats bekoz she was tuck into the Church when she was a little gal, and never found out no better. Sheze a womun whose face is alwuz a shinin, and weve never yit had a preecher who cud preech strong anuff to make her trimble. Theres sumthin about the way she tawks that peers to make you want to liv a hundred years yit. If she ever has any bad luck, nobody wudent never mistrust it frum the way she carries herself. Ive watched her in meetin, and Ive watched her out ov meetin, and Ive never ben able

to see a bit ov difference in her. Her face alwas looks as plezunt as trees in blossum, and I wud ruther hear her tawk thun lissen to a bran new pianner. She has to work hard fur a livin ; but instid ov kumplainin about it, she alwas peers to be thankful that sheze able to do it. No matter --^ '"''-' how hard times is she

never gits diskurridged, and Ive never yit seen the baskit pass her in meetin without her puttin sumthin in it. Sheze also the fust on hand to set up with anybody thats sick, and altho sheze never able to say much in meetin, theres sumthin about her that peers to make what little she duz say mean a powerful site. Sumtimes I think I wud ruther be ez good as she is thun to hav ever so many nice things sed about me in the nuzepapers when I was on the koolin board. Sister Good is a monsus tender hearted womun, and they