The Life and wonderful Adventures of 'Totty Testudo,' an autobiography

Front matter

THE LIFE AND WONDERFUL ADVENTURES CF 'TOTTY TESTUDO' AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY By FLORA F. WYLDE. e The slow Tortoise made a long journey by losing no time.'— Vote. EDINBURGH : WILLIAM P. NIMMO. 1873- EDINBURGH: T. AND A. CONSTABLE, PRINTERS TO THE QUEEN, AND TO THE UNIVERSITY. ADDRESS TO THE READER. ' In the spring of 1760, as some workmen were making repairs in the grounds of the Bishop's Palace at Peterborough, on pulling down one of the decayed pillars which supported part of a root-house, one of them discovered a large hole in which was an immense collection of old papers scratched all over with very bad writing. None of the men could read, but thinking they might be worth preserving, the various scraps were laid aside for some years, when by chance a member of the Bishop's family, hearing of the circumstance, obtained the papers from the man who found them.

On their being carefully arranged, the following curious history came to light ; but so disfigured was the manuscript, in a large scrawling character, and the spelling none of the best, the paper also much discoloured by age and damp, it was deciphered with difficulty.' The heads of the chapters are added by the transcriber. CONTENTS.

CHAP. , pAGE I. — The Tortoise exhibits his reflective Powers — Apology for becoming an Author — His indignation aroused — Refutes a mistaken Idea — Acknowledges Man's superiority — Gives proof of possessing the organ of Self-esteem, i II. — Place of Birth — An unpleasant surprise — No longer his own Master — Receives a Name — A hard Mistress — Humbled Feelings, .......... 3 III. — Cruelty of Womankind — Tortoise ideas of Man's conjugal superiority — Unexpected information — Brighter prospects — Change of Residence — A Royal Favourite, ... 6 IV. — New Acquaintances — Violent indignation — Increasing Self-importance — Royal condescension — Happiness secured — Noble Resolutions — Royal Alliance — Tortoise sympathy — Reflections on an interesting event, 8 V. — Another Wedding — Tortoise encroaches on the Clerical territory — Trials of a Royal Lady — Friendship and sympathy — Love and disappointment, 12 VI. — Cloudy prospects — A pompous Churchman — Country life — Majesty in distress — Gloomy forebodings, . . .16 VII. — Strange adventure — Tortoise perplexity — Cottage friends — An eye for beauty — Sundry reflections — Curiosity — Tortoise anxiety — Tortoise worldliness — Humbled importance, . 20 VIII. — A melancholy scene — Grief — Separation of friends — Suspense — Cottage retirement — Plebeian shelter in time of need not inconvenient, 25 IX. — Disposed to grumble — Pride insulted, but best to forgive affronts — Circumstances improve — Change of abode — Curiosity not confined to the Tortoise species — Feelings hurt — Pays tribute to Morpheus, 28 X. — Investigation — A listener — Insatiable curiosity, . . .30 CONTENTS.

Contents

IX CHAP. PAGE XLVII. — Symptoms of seeing England — The current of sad retrospection turned— An English fairy legend — Danger anticipated, 213 XLVIII. — Adventures in the forest — Female alarm — The Tortoise, being out of sight, is forgotten — All right again, . . .217 XLIX. — Acquired celebrity — Majesty nonplussed — The Tortoise states his age — Tortoise definition of a bull — French plotting — An unsuccessful ambassador — The Tortoise sees an old friend, 224 L. — The Tortoise recognised — Wounded pride — The Tortoise forms a foreign acquaintance — An humble conveyance- Humiliating position— A gay wedding — Home again, . . 230 LI. — A rich merchant — City triumph — The Tortoise finds convenient companions — The Tortoise expresses approval — Mingled alarm and curiosity — Servants' gossip — Approach of royalty, 238 LII. — Substantial fare — A merchant's banquet — The pearl of price — Royal surprise — Mysterious agitation — The Tortoise a self-invited guest, ........ 244 LIII. — Disreputable relations — The letter — The Tortoise hears of an old friend — Family annoyances — The mystery explained — A family skeleton, 250 LIV. — Guilt punished — Integrity rewarded — The Tortoise recognised by two former friends — The Tortoise enjoys an aristocratic drive — Inflated pride, ...... 254 LV. — The knight a lord — The lord an earl — A model wife and mother— Death of an old friend — Interesting letter — The Tortoise acquires freehold property — The Tortoise an admirer of beauty — Two ways of chewing ! . . . . 258 LVI. — An execution — Generous sentiment — The Tortoise a witness of a secret transaction — A pagoda inhabited, . . 264 LVII. — A King dies — A dangerous marriage — An apartment in the Tower occupied — Royal ill-humour — Cupid at work, . 267 LVIII. — Reminiscences of Kenilworth — The,Tortoise not forgotten — A royal command —A secret well kept — The royal guest and courtier host, ........ 272 LIX— Amusements at the Castle — A bumpkin deity — An unhappy wife — The Tortoise at his ease — The Tortoise makes an important discovery CONTENTS.

X PAGE CHAP. LX.— Royal return to Greenwich— Jealousy and anger in a high quarter — Marriage again hinted at — The Tortoise visits old friends — A gay assembly — Mystery 2°° LXI. — An interesting entrance — Beauty startled— The Tortoise on the alert — The Tortoise listens to a private conversation- Disappointed hopes — Lovers are quick at comprehension — The ball concludes — An important visit promised, . . 292 LXIL— Interesting hymeneals— The Tortoise pities a lord — Love resides in a cottage — Death of an old friend — a royal visit — The Tortoise complimented — The Tortoise reveals a plot 297 LXIIL— Elizabethan regulations for attire— A loss to the State- Death of a celebrated character — Duck versus Duck — Revenge, a dangerous qualification, ..... 302 LXIV. — A love affair renewed, but unsatisfactorily — The hero escapes from Cupid's thraldom — Romance and royal music — The unfortunate Queen, 307 LXV. — The Court loses a gem — Lofty love in a lowly heart — Victory — The Tortoise's poetic enthusiasm, . . . 314 LXVI. — The Tortoise makes another discovery — Curious family history — A fatal marriage, and its subsequent misery, . 320 LXVII. — The story continued — Excitement at Court — Death of a favourite— Majesty in danger — The Tortoise is cautious, . 325 LXVIII. — A funeral — An empty house — The royal walk and its consequences — The Tortoise is satisfied, .... 330 LXIX. — Private nuptials — A new King — New article of attire — The former prisoner becomes the courteous host — Two Court favourites removed by death's decree — A stage-player ordered to his duties — The Tortoise gives way to a train of melancholy thought, 335 LXX. — A nurse's love — A Queen's studies — Royalty and the back stairs — Tortoise curiosity — Death of an humble yet important personage, ....... 339 LXXI. — A royal protegee — Toilet mysteries — Plotting — Tale of a ring — Execution of a favourite — Royal apathy — A little (great) man succumbs to beauty, ..... 345 LXXII. — Court intriguers — An ambitious lover — The Tortoise suspects a plot — The Tortoise appropriates property — Another deathbed scene, ••.....

CONTENTS.

Chapter I

The Tortoise exhibits his reflective Powers — Apology for becoming an Author — His indignation aroused — Refutes a mistaken Idea — Acknowledges Man's superiority — Gives proof of possessing the organ of Self-esteem. ANY there are in this world who live but for themselves, to enjoy the passing hour, becoming every day more selfish, their minds more contracted, their hearts less susceptible of yielding to the delights of social affection, hard-hearted towards the humbler of their own race, and cruel to the animal creation. Yet am I far from wishing to impress on the mind of my reader that I have experienced during my lengthened life of nearly 220 years aught but kindness and attention to my animal wants ; for I must tell you, dear reader, I am but a Testudo, commonly called a tortoise — do not smile ; for why should I not be able to relate the many A A UTOBIOGRAPHY OF 2 strange and rare scenes it has been my fate to witness, and the extraordinary conversations which I have overheard : indeed I feel as if constrained by a mighty power working within me to give vent to the expression of that experience which such a long life has endued me with.

I wish to leave these memorials behind me, in the full assurance that although many of the biped race will sneer at the bare idea of an animal's audacity in making such an attempt, some of them will cast a more lenient eye on my production, and be led to believe that a poor despised testudo is capable of an elevated degree of instinct and a power of judgment at all events equal to, if not exceeding, the paucity of intelli gence contained in the weak, shallow brains of many a frivolous being who flutters in the day-dreams of pampered luxury and ease. But let me tell all such ones, I scorn them — I, a testudo, will have nought in common with them, and with a glance of impatience and contempt for such folly and ignorance, I draw in my little head with a sensation of disgust. However, I content myself by reflecting, that, had it pleased Dame Nature to have granted me at my birth a perpendicular attitude in the place of a horizontal one, — two legs and arms in lieu of four hideous supporters, joined to a greater activity of bodily movement, I should have taken a place amongst human beings of no inferior stamp; for I possess cool judgment, reasoning faculties, with a larger share of the organ of hearing than testudos usually have, — indeed they are generally supposed to be totally devoid of that sense • but this I stoutly deny, and indignantly repel the ignorant assertion.

No, I ever was acutely alive even to the sound of a whisper, and many, ay, and most important conversations I shall have to detail in proof of this fact, though true it is that, owing now to advanced years, I cannot hear quite so perfectly, but my small eyes can from experience detect a suspicious-looking person ; so when a lower tone of voice than usual is adopted I am on the alert, and directly commence a crawling motion towards the speaker, under pretence of approaching the fire, gently moving my head from right to left, with a feeling of gravity equal to the portentous celebrated shake of Ford Burleigh's wisdomatic pericranium. Oh yes, I am decidedly a very superior testudo ! Well now, lest I should incur the odium of being a selfish egotist, praising myseh to the disparagement of others, let me commence a survey of my life, which a peculiarity of circumstances have concurred to render a recital of an advantage even to the human race ; and if all animals have their appropriate destination to answer the purpose for which they are created, how much more is man responsible for the superior faculties and power of reasoning with which he is endued !

Oh ! if /had been a man, what energy of mind, what a cultivated genius, what a superiority of intellect I should have possessed ! Yet, dear reader, I am digressing and trespassing again on a forbidden theme, for even a learned testudo should not be so boastful. But as a new-born babe deserves a new set of swaddling clothes, so does the commencement of my eventful history merit a new chapter.

Chapter II

Place of Birth — An unpleasant surprise — No longer his own Master — Receives a Name — A hard Mistress — Humbled Feelings. By the mankind tribe, I should be named ofthe Testudo Elephantos genus. My birthplace was one of the West Indian Islands, where one day, towards the end of the fifteenth century, as I was lying on my back luxuriating in the sun's scorching rays more than half asleep, what should I feel but the acute anguish of a stab in the lower part of my body. The violence of the pain made me pop my head out of my shell, when a clumsy, fat, vulgar-looking sailor attacked me with a kind of harpoon, by which he had the bruality to lift my poor bleeding body from the earth. Once ensconced in a basket, which he threw over his head, on he trudged to the sea-shore, jumped into a boat, in which were two of his savage companions, who gazed at me with the strangest gestures of astonishment ; it was evident they had never before seen a Testudo Elephantos.

The language they conversed in must have been queer gibberish, for not a word did I comprehend. On the boat nearing a ship, I perceived a number of men, amongst them several superior in appearance, one of whom was the captain of the vessel, They inspected me with the greatest curiosity while ago nized with pain ; I thought I should have died on the spot owing to the wound given me by that wretch. Indeed not for some time after, when I understood their language, did I know the jeopardy in which my life then was, as their intention was to have killed me for soup-meat, if I had been fat enough to suit the greedy tastes of these sea monsters, therefore it was lucky I escaped such a fate. After they had amused themselves by twisting and turning my poor body about, lacerated and bleeding as it was, I was sent to the bottom part of the ship, and allowed some hay and some refuse vegetables strewed about to tempt me to eat.

Also they placed a huge pan of water, into which I contrived to crawl with difficulty, and have a miserable bath. Truly, if ever a testudo had a broken heart, mine was near akin to it. Deprived of ma ternal care, thrown amongst a set of coarse cruel men, what might I not expect in the way of treatment ! however, after a few days I was allowed more liberty, and crawled all over the ship, the captain and officers humanely stepping aside when they saw ' Totty,' as they called me, trying to proceed as fast as my testudo nature would let me. By degrees I became a pet with all the men ; and even the sailor who had originally caused my capture and wound seemed to wish to atone for his former cruelty, frequently throwing me a scrap of something to eat. The captain was a noted man, his name Columbus, then on a voyage of discovery in search of an unknown land, which was afterwards called America.

He was a good-humoured, amiable sort of per son, much beloved by both officers and men. In due time the vessel returned to the coast of Spain, accompanied bytheother two ships that had formed the small fleet equipped by Ferdi nand the Fifth, King of Arragon, for the use of Columbus, and then it was that I experienced so much kindness from him, in spite of his wife's evident antipathy to me. She also encouraged her son to ill-use me. Madam Columbus, however, was truly a virago, and my pride was much hurt by often being obliged to listen to disparaging remarks respecting myself,— for by this time I could understand the Spanish language, and she frequently used vulgarly to term me ' a nasty reptile.' Suffice it to say, that by her unkind, contemptuous treatment my life was rendered truly wretched ; for I was in constant dread each time they had friends to dine lest madam should take it into her head to have me killed, and popped into a large soup dish.

As for her worthy husband he always took my part ; I had no fear when he was at home, but at other times I trembled (shell and all) at sound of madam's harsh voice, and always crawled out of sight whenever she approached. Then I sought my kind master, who seemed to feel an interest in my heart's sorrow, encouraging poor Totty into his apartment, whenever he espied me. I tried by every means to prove my gratitude, nodding and shaking my little head as he stooped to caress me.

Chapter III

Cruelty of Womankind — Tortoise ideas of Man's conjugal superiority- Unexpected information — Brighter prospects — Change of Residence — A Royal Favourite. Things went on thus, when, on occasion of my resenting the impertinence of a horrid great lout of a boy, madam's precious son and heir (consequently in her eyes a paragon of human perfection), who very often put me to exquisite torture by mounting on my back, the ineffectual attempts I made at resisting the wicked boy from stamping on my shell with his whole weight caught the attention of his mother, who, instead of punishing the young— miscreant, turned round on me, and I heard her swear by all the blessed saints in the calendar, that an end should be put to my existence. In the greatest fright I drew in my head, and crept away faster than ever I had done before.

Co lumbus was out, but on his return the vile woman renewed her abusive language, threatening me with a dreadful death unless dismissed from the premises. The poor man pleaded for me, contending that I was such a curiosity, in fact, altogether an extraordinary animal. ' Well, then, Colum bus,' said the covetous woman, ' sell him by all means, and if there's a chance of his fetching money, I '11 not have him killed • but hark you, senor, if he is not sent away to-morrow, you shall have him for dinner, as sure as my name is Kate rina ! ' The good man sighed, and leaning on his elbow, seemed at a loss what to do ; how surprised I was at such spiritless conduct in a man, — for he was almost as much afraid of his wife's bad temper as I was of falling a victim to her cruelty. Had the moment not been of pressing im portance to my future fate, many reflections on the eligi bility of keeping a wife under proper control would have passed through my brain, but I was too much agitated to chew the cud of serious thought, therefore all I could do was to listen with breathless impatience for my master's answer to madam's heartless proposal.

Alas ! was I to be turned adrift on a cold unfeeling world, in my orphaned state . — to leave the good Captain Columbus who had ever been so kind to me, or perhaps a still more dreadful fate awaiting me — to be made into soup ! The idea of losing my life was so harrowing, to say nothing of the ignominious purpose for which my blood was to be shed. Oh ! barbarous Madam Columbus ! Yet hark, my master raises his head — he speaks. (I was all attention, so anxious to ascer tain what was to befall me.) ' Katerina,' said he, ' I have been thinking, as you have such a dislike to poor harmless Totty, who is certainly, in his way, the most sagacious animal I ever came across in all my perils by sea or land, indeed, I can scarcely bear to part — .' ' He shall go, senor ! hold your tongue ! ' ' Well, my dear, be cool.

It may be advisable to find him another home ; therefore, if you faithfully promise me to treat him well for a few days, I will see what can be done.' 'Be it so,' said she, ' and I'll let the stupid brute alone, and Rodriguez shall not go near him, if I can prevent it.' Thus pacified she kept her word, but it may readily be believed that I did not, after hearing myself so contemptuously spoken of, trouble the ill-tempered vixen with my society. It so happened that about this time Columbus was high in favour at the Court of Arragon, and invited to the State entertainments ; indeed Ferdinand was most gracious and condescending, and on the occasion of the captain's first appearance at the Palace, after returning from a lengthened voyage, he intro duced him to Queen Isabella, with very flattering eulogisms on his nautical skill.

There was to be a grand assemblage at court, on the day following the conversation I have been relating, at which the captain expressed his intention of being present. Well do I recollect the care with which he dressed himself on that occasion — how well he looked in his gay uniform ; I felt proud of my noble-looking master, and crawled to the entrance door to watch him leaving the house. When he returned, and was taking off his fine dress, ' Totty,' says he, ' you and I must part com pany, at which I am very sorry ; ' he stooped to pat my head, — ' but my wife will not let you remain here; however, I have got a capital home for you, ay — a royal home — what think you of that, old fellow . ' This news surprised me, and though relieved to think the danger attached to residing with madam would be obviated, yet was I grieved to leave the good Columbus.

Fain would I have heard all particulars, but was obliged to wait until the evening's meal, when he told his wife that, when he made his obeisance Ferdinand, on raising him, asked if he was not in possession of a wonderful tortoise (so my character had reached a palace !); that he much wished to see me, and if Columbus would part with me his Majesty would give any sum demanded.

Chapter IV

New Acquaintances— Violent indignation— Increasing Self-importance — Royal condescension— Happiness secured— Noble Resolutions —Royal Alliance — Tortoise sympathy— Reflections on an interesting event. Thus was the opportunity afforded of installing me at court, where in less than three days I was placed under the care of Donna Lucia, one of the Queen's ladies-in-waitinoand seldom afterwards saw dear good Columbus again, not however but that I frequently heard mention of his name, when a few years after he became so famous for his wonder ful discovery of the continent of America. My new friend was very kind, yet her manner of treating me wounded my pride not a little, as she seemed inclined to laugh in solently when I crawled about the rooms in the same way I had been used to do, and stared at me through a strange kind of glass ornament she wore round her neck, suspended by a rich gold chain.

How bitterly did I lament the in ability to give vent to my insulted feelings ; I never was more indignant, but although angry for the moment, when better accustomed to courtly manners and the license great people sometimes in high stations give to good breeding, I was not so much offended by being gazed at, — indeed I began to like the pretty young Donna, and was always ready to welcome her light step and frolicsome laugh when ever she was approaching the house prepared for me, for so I may term the large straw kind of box in which I was allowed to doze and reflect on all the events of the past and present. And here, it must be remembered, that I was beginning to feel inflated with a more than ordinary portion of vanity, knowing myself to be such a wonderful animal, a curiosity whom crowds came to see, daily was I visited, and (will the reader believe it ?) frequently did the Queen herself, accompanied by her young sweet daughter, Katerina of Arragon, honour me with their notice.

The Infanta was a great favourite of my mistress, often passing hours together in the Donna's apartments ; and so much did the little girl like me, that whenever her pretty gentle face peeped in at the door the first object to attract her attention was ' poor Totty ; ' she would take hold of my little head, and playfully pull my curious legs about. I was soon accustomed to my royal young playmate, so that I hailed her approach with sincere pleasure ; besides which she generally brought me nice things to eat, and had a very large flat kind of bath manufactured expressly for my com fort. If ever a Testudo led a life of ease and luxury, I was that one, happy in my liberty, content with myself and all around me, and cogitating on all I saw and heard. So went on matters, and years rolled away, when Donna Kate rina reached the age of about fifteen, when it was rumoured throughout the circle of court gossips and courtiers that the cause of the ambassador's visit to Granada from the English Court was to demand the hand of the youthful Princess in marriage for Prince Arthur, the eldest son of King Henry the Seventh.

All the buzzing and whispering going on so occasioned my curiosity, that I would not rest satisfied until the cause of the mystery was unravelled, when I was in a state of great suspense as to what would be my fate, naturally concluding that I should be allowed a place in the state retinue of the Infanta ; nor was I disappointed in such a reasonable hope, for the evening prior to her de parture I overheard orders given to Donna Lucia to make arrangements for my travelling comfortably. It was so flattering to my feelings that I should be cared for by royalty at such an exciting moment, nor will I ever forget the sentiment of gratitude and gallantry that swelled my testudo breast. Yes, I was resolved my blood should be shed, if needed, not to pamper the appetite of a mean termagant, such as Madam Columbus, but to fall a glorious victim on the altar of chivalric honour.

Could I promise less in return for the daily manifestation of royal bounty shown to me in every possible manner _ But to continue. The Infanta reached England in the autumn of 1501, and was immediately married to the Prince of Wales. He was a noble-looking youth, a year older than herself, and mag nificently were they both attired on the occasion. The ceremony was very imposing, the Cathedral of St. Paul's being gorgeously ornamented, the music very fine, and such an assemblage of youth and beauty had not been collected within its walls for many a year ; at least so I heard, for not having had a place assigned me in the procession, I would not condescend to intrude my company uninvited, however much I loved and respected my dear young royal mistress. I was also far from well, feeling the cold sharp air of England very acutely, having been used to such a warm climate.

London was in a state of great excitement for many days, and the expenses incurred by various noble men in giving fetes and pageants were enormous. The Prince was deservedly loved, not only for amiableness, but for his vast learning, and in respect to suchlike acquisitions; the Infanta was in no ways behind him, for she had ever been noted for accomplishments and rare talents of the first order. Months flew rapidly away, and truly de lighted was I, who from being, as one might say, a per sonal attendant on the Princess, was an eye-witness of her happy wedded life, I can testify the regard the young pair entertained for each other. But sad grief had my dear Princess to undergo, when a few short months made her a young widow. The Queen of England was most kind, and arranged for her future residence at a country house in the neighbourhood of London.

There she lived in peaceful quietude, occupying herself in the needle and literary pursuits, — and very clever she was in all kinds of ornamental work. But the covetous disposition of King Henry would not let her rest long in such seclusion, for I one evening overheard the following conversation between Donna Lucia and another lady of the Princess's household : ' So,' said the former, ' if report says true, soon we shall see a second royal wedding. What think you of the gallant young Henry of York and our Princess . ' ' Ay,' said the other, ' and a goodly portion to boot ; the Spanish crowns in Harry's purse will jingle right merrily, for only half of the dowry has been received, therefore is he desirous to put the young Prince in the place of his eldest son, so may we soon expect rare gay doings to occupy us withal.' ' And truly,' quoth Donna Lucia, ' I am well pleased at the scheme, for it is to be plainly seen she is in no ways averse to his at tentions, and a right noble-looking youth he is.

But come, it does not beseem us to waste time in idle parley when so much is to be doing ; haven't I here the diamonds of our royal lady, to see the tirewoman stitch on to her Highness's last new kirtle?' Thus saying, away she tripped, and I cogitated on the subject suggested by their conversation, coming to the conclusion that the marriage of a woman with her deceased husband's brother was neither proper nor valid. Alas ! I longed to argue the knotty point with the Prin cess, feeling certain she would forego the marriage altogether on my expressing such a desire; but then, as on subsequent occasions, bitterly had I to lament the want of speech and incapability, at that time, of the art of writing. The latter, however, I afterwards attained, having instructed myself in a rare and curious manner, which I shall have to mention in another place.