How they mismanaged their House on £500 a year. A narrative

Front matter

REMINGTONS' TRANSLATIONS. AT ALL LIBRARIES. By E. WERNER. Author of " Success and How he Won It," " Under a Charm, "&C. RIVEN BONDS. Translated by Bertha Ness. 2 vols., crown 8vo., cloth, 21/. SACRED VOWS. Translated by Bertha Ness. 3 vols., crown 8vo., cloth, 31/6. By EDMOND ABOUT. COLONEL FOUGAS' MISTAKE. Translated by J. E. Maitland. 2 vols., crown 8vo., cloth, 21/. THE LAWYER'S NOSE. Translated by J. E. Maitland. 1 vol., crown 8vo., cloth, 10/6. By CHARLES DESLYS. IRENE'S DOWER. Translated by Sirs. George Henry. 1 vol., crown 8vo., cloth, 10/6. REMINGTON & Co., 5, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C. HOW THEY MISMANAGED THEIR HOUSE ON £500 A YEAR. a i&attattbe, IN ONE VOLUME. u\ MR. WARREN. REMINGTON AND CO., 5, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C. 1878. [AU Rights Reserved.] HOW THEY MISMANAGED THEIR HOUSE ON £500 A-YEAR.

Chapter I

Before I begin to indite one page of this forthcoming narrative, let me advise all lovers of three-volume novels to shun at once these pages. I assure them, there are no plots deeply laid to be found here. Perusers, behold the title ! and ere disappointment cometh, wisely retire. Rush home and seize your " charming fellows," and " horrid girls," and B forget the existence of this work. Some wise old authors, who have held their plumes nearly a quarter of a century, may, haply, inwardly consider me a fool for thus inscribing my sentiments. They may think that I should have rather invited them to peruse these pages for a change, instead of so unwisely flouting them in the downright manner I have just done. If this be so, those Christians must continue to think so: yet I would rather they took my counsel in this matter.

But to my tale ; and, dear reader, you must consent to a little dull information at first as I introduce to you the characters to be described. The head of the great O'Lavish family came originally from the Emerald Isle, as the O may indicate to some of my readers. He was a hard working individual in the Irish weaving line ; made at one time large returns, till a reverse of circumstances, over which he had no control, obliged him to give up his occupation. He came to England, settled somewhere up in the North, doing something, till he gave up that something to do something else in smoky Manchester. All this I fear is very dreary in formation to the lively reader, but I am happy to say he is not going to have much more such dry intelligence. Mr. Leonard O'Lavish (for that was his name) was fortunate enough to meet with a public appointment, which brought him in a steady five hundred pounds yearlv.

He was, therefore, totally free from the haras sing life of a professional mortal. He had never the unpleasing task of running up his debit accounts only to find them larger than his credit. This, happily, spared him from pulling long faces over his ledger, and wonder ing how he should make two ends meet. Happy man ! five hundred pounds a-year till death doth him sever from such a comfortable sufficiency. When Mr. Leonard O'Lavish had been fortunate enough to meet with his ap pointment he immediately busied his brains about choosing a suitable house. His former habitation was a common dull lodging-house in the ugliest row of houses biped man, I should think, ever erected. One of those dirty-white, small-roomed, badly-built, hateful habitations that unfortunately so largely abound in our " Merrie England," and which, let us hope, in the advance of civilization, and all knowledge of what is most healthful, will become scarcer and scarcer.

We may forgive the gentleman in question for wishing immediately to decamp for more cheering quarters. That he had lost no time in thus doing, may be deduced from the fact that Mr. Leonard O'Lavish left his doleful abode in Slush Street, in the middle of March, and long ere it was " the tenth of April morn by the chime," he was comfortably settled in Mayfair House. I hope no reader will object if I describe, in a geographical manner, the situation of Mayfair House. It was bounded on the north by a distant park, on the south by an excellent garden, on the west by St. Michael's Church, and on the east by the necessary outhouses of the habitations of man. If there were at all any [drawbacks to living at Mayfair House, croakers might complain that it stood on a fair eminence, and that it was destitute of the convenience of gas.

Even Mr. Leonard O'Lavish, though he had been used to burning gas in his late unlovely abode, seemed to be content to forego that modern convenience. Yet, I fear that worthy, ere he has experienced twelve months of candle and oil-lamp burning, will inwardly wish for modern gas-apparatus. If we are patient, we shall see whether our hero put up with candles and oil-lamps ; but I rather divine — if I know the character at all of the tenant of the Mayfair habitation — that Madam Gas will be courted at last.

Chapter II

Before I am asked the pertinent question whether Mr. Leonard O'Lavish dwelt solus in Mayfair House, I will inform everybody that that Christian gentleman certainly did not. By no means ; he removed with his limited house hold effects some remarkable live-stock, in the shape of a devoted wife, two domestics, a duck, and a torn cat. These charming animals were the light of his eyes. It was a lucky and delightful fact for the duck, I always think, that a pond existed not very far from his master's pump, where a httle sport, if nothing to devour, might be obtained. The poor creature, hitherto, had passed a dry time of it, altogether ; the only refreshment it having been used to being to stand near the pump in the yard, and get splashed occasionally. Had any ornithologist been apprised of the way it led its life, he would, doubtless, have stared with amazement to see the bird look so healthy.

But, 'tis true, there are yet marvels to be found under the sun. As I think that some may be wanting to hear about some one a little more interesting than the duck in question, namely, Mrs Leonard O'Lavish, I will at once dwell on that lady. She was a native of smoky Manchester, daughter of a gentleman doing a fair practice in the pill and plaster profession. Agreeable in society, though she was not noted for making very brilliant remarks, yet she was gifted with a ■certain very useful talent — that of keeping up conversation, though talking on nothing particular. This lady, I must proceed to state, was fond of show ; ahvays dined late, and never was known to order a suet-dumpling, or, at all ■events, only for kitchen consumption. The many other qualities she possessed will, I fancy, appear in black and white, ere my pen has ter minated this story.

It may be reasonably supposed, that having been but a month in their new abode, the O'Lavishs were not what one may call quite settled. There were still many little domestic arrangements to be performed. The household effects being not at all plentiful, some careful dispensing was required to get the best foot forward. This, both were entirely desirous of doing. Mr. Leonard O'Lavish made strenuous efforts to make all things nice around him. He had actually, already, gone to the expense of purchasing three more oil-lamps, of which, so he told his wife afterwards, he had totally forgot to enquire the price. As he was not a man entirely un moved by " the concord of sweet sounds," one day he treated himself to a cottage piano, which he imagined he had purchased very cheap ; but this might be questioned, I think, when he had divulged the amount he had given for it. 3850 for a second-hand cottage piano, in these days, is a lump of hard cash rather too large.

It had been difficult at first to ascertain whether Mrs. O'Lavish was pleased or displeased with her husband's purchase. First she exclaimed, "Whatever did you get it for? we don't require a piano ;" then immediately followed the remark that she was glad he bought it, as it would do nicely to place in the drawing-room ; so that had the poor piano been a sensate being, it might have been much mortified at its queer reception. In a few days Mr. O'Lavish incurred another expense. There happened to be an auction close by, so that worthy strolled one morning, "just to look about him a little, and see what's what," as he remarked to his wife on the fatal auction morning. It would certainly have been better, on the whole, for the inmates of Mayfair House, if the master thereof had turned his feet elsewhere ; since the result of going auction-ways was, that he had become the possessor of ten indifferent prints, more fit for the walls of a third-rate tavern, than any other dwelling I know of.

Dear artist-readers, and all art-critics, I am not going to name the subjects of the sorry prints just mentioned ; if ever you enter the O'Lavish's dwelling-house, you may behold them with your own eyes, and a melancholy show will it be. I imagine all will think the purchaser of these prints terribly " done," if I inform them that they were bought for minus one shilling. Live and learn is a stern saying. Let us hope Mrs. O'Lavish will not allow her husband to go auctioneering any more, at all events, without her company. The purchaser of the aforesaid sorry prints seemed to be utterly ignorant of the fact that they were of a decidedly third-rate character. Perhaps he was too distrustful of his wife's notions of art, and too confident in his own. That, to be sure, is a pitiable state to be in.

I know no cure for this complaint but that a competent art-critic should explain to him, or show him, what good prints are, and then request him to survey his indifferent collection. Be it known, that it took Mr. Leonard O'Lavish nearly a fortnight to determine the arrangement of his sorry prints. One especially odious to his devoted wife, he would have hung directly opposite the door, so it was impossible to overlook the ugly affair as you entered the room. This was excessively vexa tious to Mrs. O'Lavish, who had a " leetle " idea of what was proper. Her husband was not to be bullied out of his wish ; therefore, the ugly affair hangs as he had placed it unto this hour. One morning, as Mr. Leonard O'Lavish and his wife were breaking their fast on coffee, mutton kidneys, and other delicacies, they were both of them simultaneously smitten with a keen de sire to go shopping.

It was a rare occur rence, for, generally, when Mr. Leonard O'Lavish wished to go into town, his precious wife desired to stay at home ; and so contra riwise. It was certainly true that a night or two ago, they had had an important conversa tion about purchasing a lawn-mower, and one or two other small effects needful for the garden. This, therefore, might have been the reason for going shopping ; perhaps, a natural one, too ; but I am of opinion they had other motives prompting them to toddle town-ways. It needed no acute observation to see that Mr. Leonard O'Lavish much needed a new morning suit ; nor would it have taken much eyesight to have observed that his devoted wife's bonnet was old and shabby. Something suddenly reminds me that some may deem these pages dull, trivial, and exceedingly domestic.

If this be true, I must remind A-YEAR. 15 the acute critic — first, of the nature of the title on the back of this book ; and secondly, of what I have intimated before, and reiterate now, that " I advise all lovers of three-volumed novels to shun at once these pages, and to push home and seize their ' charming fellows ' and ' horrid girls,' and forget the existence of this work." If they take not my advice, certainly, I at least shall not be blameworthy. But to return. When the brace of O'Lavishs had done duty towards breakfast, they lost no time in preparing to go to town. Some little delay, however, was occasioned by Mrs. O'Lavish's pet duck endeavouring to follow them on their urban ambulations. It was in vain that Mr. Leonard O'Lavish flouted it home to its proper abode ; and though certain harmless missiles were expelled from his amiable hand, the devoted duck seemed un daunted ; up it waddled again with renewed energies, meeting with huffs and cuffs, but braving them all.

Mrs. O'Lavish could stand waiting no longer, and vowed the duck should be slain and roasted for dinner if it behaved in that troublesome manner. At this juncture the duck set quacking ; perhaps it was defying the terrible threats of his mistress, or vowing deadly vengeance. At length the wilful bird was captured and confined, which set our worthy couple free " to gang their own gait." Mr. Leonard O'Lavish had no little diffi culty in re-considering what he required to purchase that morning ; but not so with his wife : what she required stood as clear in her mind's eye as ever — a new bonnet, a Spring gown, and a new pair of walking-boots. We may forgive the worthy wife forgetting all about lawn-mowers and other garden effects, when such much more important affairs as bonnets, boots, and Spring gowns, occupied the whole of her thoughts.

As the two passed the enticing shops in the town, Mr. Leonard O'Lavish experienced some trouble in being perpetually pulled by his coat sleeve, and requested to stop and gaze on gay garments. No doubt, some of my readers will entirely sympathise with him, as, more likely than not, they have gone shopping with their wives, and have been treated in a similar manner. It was about after a quarter of an hour's stay outside Messrs. Showemoff, Counterjumper, and Co.'s elegant establishment, that Mrs. O'Lavish's husband proposed to come away. c Mrs. O'Lavish declared her husband was very impatient. " Cannot you," said she, " wait five minutes outside such a pretty shop without wishing to go- Mr. Leonard O'Lavish declared that he could wait five minutes with the greatest satisfaction ; but that he had been waiting there nearly twenty minutes, and, therefore, began to wish to come away.

That they had been waiting twenty minutes there might have been disputed by Mrs. O'Lavish, had not her husband with certainty declared that he had timed it by his watch. Had the noble firm of Showemoff, Counter jumper, and Co. but known what Mrs. O'Lavish desired to purchase that morning, they might possibly have been chagrined at her not patronising their establishment. But, happily for us all sometimes, we do not know everything. Mr. Leonard O'Lavish inwardly declared that he would not be kept waiting outside ladies' shops in this manner ; so he made a proposition, which was, that each should go their own way. This Mrs. O'Lavish agreed to, provided he supplied her with the cash that she wanted ; so seven pounds having been extracted from his purse, they mutually parted. What further took place that morning, seek in the next chapter.

Chapter III

I know not how Mrs. O'Lavish enjoyed her peregrinations solus ; but this I do know, her husband felt another man. Almost immediately on parting with his wife, he lighted up his cigar and was comfortable. No fear now of being nudged by the arm and requested to gaze on gay garments. He could do what he liked, go where he liked, look as he liked, and think as he liked, without any interruption whatever ; and this he felt was a blessing, though perhaps a small one. It is very true some ladies are especially troublesome to take into town. What with their long trains, and long stoppings, and fondness of going their own way, husbands have a pretty time with them altogether. Mr. Leonard O'Lavish shortly went to a tailor, and satisfied both parties by obtaining two complete new and expensive suits.

I do not know exactly what amount of cash they cost, but, judging from their quality, I imagine that ten guineas could scarcely have covered their expense. Mr. O'Lavish was certainly a peculiar man ; he was perpetually sparing at the spigot and pouring out at the bung-hole. At one time I have known him to extinguish a candle that he thought it was wasteful to burn, and to do many other such little acts indicating a saving soul; yet here he is at another time guilty of a down right extravagance. It might be remarked, perhaps, that the money is his own — yet I fail to see that is a reason for such expenditure. Would it not be counted foolish for any mortal to give fourpence for a twopenny loaf ? — yet truly he has just committed as foolish an act. But no sermonising is my motto. I always like to leave those kind of orations to bishops, deans, and parsons, whose duty it is to deliver them.

Knowing how much business the two O'Lavishs did on the morning of their outing, I can truly state it would be tedious to jot it down in these pages. I cannot think that the ladies will be much chagrined at not having an opportunity given them of reading about our friends' experiences. Many, many of them doubtless know* the delights and sorrows of shopping. Of being able to get the exact right sort of velvet to match certain ribbon ; and then, again, not being able to obtain the precise tint of sky-blue satin they require to adorn some part of their garments. With regard to my gentlemen readers, I hope I shall be immediately in their " good books" for delivering them from bothering accounts of domestic shoppers. About three hours after the O'Lavishs had left their dwelling-house they returned to it once more, both of them richer in goods, but poorer in gold.

The O'Lavishs, when they returned, had the dissatisfaction of finding no dinner ready. It was, indeed, no fault of their devoted cook, Amelia, the fact being that in the hurry and excitement of her preparations to go shopping, Mrs. O'Lavish had entirely forgotten to give orders concerning so necessary a repast. Those who are most imaginative can best depict in their mind's eye the troubled countenances of the dinnerless ones. Mrs. O'Lavish nearly fainted away; this, perhaps, may have been owing somewhat to the exhausted condition she was in when she again reached her parlour. As for her husband, he might have, at that juncture, sat for his portrait as Giant Despair. Happily for these twain, cold mutton and a tart were somewhere within the space of twenty yards. Mrs. O'Lavish was only punished with a potatoeless dinner, which I think none need feel grieved about, as it may serve to make her remember, next time she goes out, to order the viands for dinner.

The potatoeless repast of that day may certainly be said to have been a doleful affair. As Mr. Leonard O'Lavish, in spite of his decidedly wasteful manner of expending his cash is, nevertheless, somewhat a favourite of mine, I wish to make the best of him to my readers. I will not, therefore, here relate the rather cross conversation that took place during their cold collation. But this I will inform the reader of, that their captivating torn cat — who was generally allowed to be placed beside his worthy mistress — made him self scarce, and retired under the table. That animal, I truly believe, did not affect cross company, being used to a genial atmosphere : hence I deem it was but wise of him at that juncture to seek to be by himself. When Mr. O'Lavish felt sufficiently calm, he closely enquired into his wife's expenditure .of a certain seven pounds mentioned not long back.

His devoted wife informed him plumply* that she had spent every farthing, so that there was no hope of any golden returns for him, which remark, I observed, made his countenance one shade paler. It did not give the enquirer much comfort when Mrs. ' O'Lavish informed him of the saucepans, fryingpans, and other kitchen utensils that she had purchased that morning. Let us hope, for the sake of Mrs. O'Lavish's ownself, that she did not forget the Spring bonnet, gown, and boots, when performing her other purchases ; but I deem, as I know a few things of the ladies, those articles were not forgotten. As Mr. O'Lavish privately informed me all about his purchases, I will succinctly state here that his effects alone came to the amount of thirty pounds. This is going shopping, and no mistake ! It must be very clear to the reader, as it is to the writer of these lines, that Mr. Leonard O'Lavish must draw in his horns somehow ; if not, he will not be able to put many pounds by for a rainy day, as the saying is.

Every time I record the lavish expenditure of this worthy couple, I somewhat shrink at the idea of future consequences. It is true, the master of Mayfair House did not shoot, hunt, or play billiards— but what of that? Was he not, nevertheless, an extravagant man? Did he not save little with his left hand, and waste more with his right ? Certainly, things might have been worse, but that is little consolation. What would you think of a doctor who congratulated you that you had not rheumatic pain in both legs : have you not pain in one ? and are you not tor mented ? But this strain is mournful ; let us seek more cheery accounts in the following chapter. 3850O A-YEAR. 29

Chapter IV

While Mrs. O'Lavish, after breakfast the next morning, was rejoicing in her purchases yester day of saucepans, fryingpans, and other kitchen utensils, she little dreamed she was to hear, a few hours later, of a terrible domestic tragedy. At that awful juncture she was very much engaged in perusing the most beautiful poem of the age, by the ugliest author in England. But, now, she could no longer with pleasure turn over its enchanting pages. The calamity that had befallen her was no less than this — that her " darling ducky,'' as she termed it, had departed its natural life by accidentally tumbling out of the window. The reader must here be informed that the deceased gifted bird had contracted a habit of walking upstairs after its mistress, often placing itself on the window-sill. Here it must have lost its equilibrium, in some way, and tumbled upon the cruel ground below.

Mrs. O'Lavish was perfectly horror-struck when she beheld the fearful spectacle ; and the thought vividly came across her mind that her late precious pet must have been killed by the cat. But, owing to certain evidence in favour of Master Tom, a verdict of "not guilty' might truthfully have been returned. Directly Mr. Leonard O'Lavish heard it was dead, he suggested that it should be cooked for dinner; which unfeeling proposition was at once totally rejected by his aggrieved wife. The obsequies of the duck were performed by his loving mistress, two days afterwards, when she acted as chief mourner, clerk, sexton, grave-digger, and everything else besides. Mrs. O'Lavish (I should hardly thus betray her) shed some tears on the morning of its burial. The inmates of Mayfair House were, therefore, one less.

Master Tom evidently at times seemed to possess, as the renowned bard Tennyson hath it, " a quiet sense of something lost." He would often wander about the premises seeking his duck companion; but — like most other sensible creatures — he happily got over the shock, and was, ere long, quite himself again. In a few days Mrs. O'Lavish herself felt well enough to resume reading the most beautiful poem of the age, by the ugliest author in England, and once again she rejoiced in her late purchases of saucepans, fryingpans, and other kitchen utensils. As the late beloved duck had in its lifetime been a little known to fame, having not a few admirers, it was not to be wondered at that Mrs. O'Lavish was interrogated from time to time about the beloved bird. Its loving mis tress thanked all for kind enquiries, and briefly informed them that it was not in existence— -a piece of information that made many feel miserable.

I think every mortal must have heard enough and to spare about this web-footed biped, so I will talk now about human beings. When Mr. Leonard O'Lavish had satiated himself with staring for half-an-hour at his wonderful pet prints, he indulged himself with performing on the piano. It was lucky for non-hearers that they had not the pleasure of experiencing his loud performances. The very limited tuition he had received in that direction at once prohibited him from being even an average player. If there be any musical mortals that delight in one continuous row, then he should have sat beside the performer in question. It can well be imagined that to Mrs. O'Lavish these terrible thumpings were no great treat ; but the most melancholy consideration is, that she must put up with them as long as she is the veritable wife of Mr. Leonard O'Lavish.

One day, as they sat at dinner, a brilliant idea came into Mrs. O'Lavish's head. Why should not her husband purchase another piano, and place it in the attic ? — where he might perform all day, and all night, if he pleased,. D without any annoyance to herself. Besides, another thing too, it was certainly true that they did require two pianos. Were not the times countless that she was deprived of the joy of performing herself while these thunder iferous entertainments of her husband were in full swing ? Should she not at once suggest that another instrument be obtained ? Yes, certainly ; before she had arose from the holland-covered chair on which she was seated. It was during that charming course called dessert — which the O'Lavishs indulged in after every dinner — that Mrs. O'Lavish declared she would make a clean breast of it.

So, before the bell sounded that day for Amelia, Mrs. O'Lavish had popped the question. "And why, dear," asked that worthy's husband, in answer to his wife's proposal, " do you wish it to be placed in the attic par ticularly ? Surely that is a queer region for such a noble instrument to be placed in ? " Mrs. O'Lavish inwardly said, " Well, either that, or the cellar '' — a sentiment her husband opposite knew little about. Mrs. O'Lavish could not help smiling a little, but she began immediately to inform her husband the true reason why she wished for what she had just proposed. When a little more cross-questioning, &c, had been indulged in, these two worthy folks arose from the table. To avoid all further dull remarks about the pianoforte conference, I may as well inform the reader that Mr. Leonard O'Lavish promised his wife that he would think about it — a remark which totally satisfied that lady.

Mrs. Leonard O'Lavish immediately moved towards the fire-place, and performed that delightful task of scraping up cinders — a duty she considered always ought to be done ; and one that her husband could assert she never neglected. O worthy Mrs. O'Lavish, how proud thy dear husband should be of thee, for stooping to this act of domestic economy! What, what, would the coal-bill come to at Christmas if the scraper, that sceptre of saving, were never thus swayed ? The coals would, of course, as usual, come to ashes, but the house of O'Lavish haply might come to ruin ! As this journal is, as before stated, thoroughly a domestic one, the good reader must not mind being informed of this fact that the O'Lavishs did not wash at home. The consequence was, that every fortnight they had the felicity, if it were one, of frowning over, and afterwards settling, a thing entitled a washing bill.

It was, indeed, no fault of Amelia's, for she was a good washer, and a first-rate starcher. Then, it might be asked, why the linen-line did not Mrs. O'Lavish have washing done at home ? Were there no tubs ? or, were they not well off in water supplies ? I can aver that these were not the reasons. There was only one, and that was, that the wasteful Mrs. O'Lavish liked her linen " put out," as it is termed. But here I must say a word for Mr. Leonard O'Lavish. He has striven many times to get his wife to submit to hold a laundry at home, but without success ; Mrs. O'Lavish was in exorable, so, long ago, her husband had given up entreating her to do so.

Chapter V

As week by week went by in Mayfair House, the inmates of that edifice became more settled. They were beginning to be noticed by the better class in the neighbourhood, which, after all, could not boast of many individuals of a very high station in life. Most of the houses round about them were occupied by retired tradesmen, and some of all professions yet in the bonds of business. A week or two back they had been honoured by a call from the Vicar of the parish, who, observing their respectable regularity at a certain sacred place, thought it was his duty to pay them a pastoral visit. Mrs. O'Lavish especially felt gratified by this attention ; and held her head a little higher ever afterwards. Her husband cared little about the matter, and went on his own ways as usual, scheming, spending his money, and occasionally repenting.