On a Mexican Mustang through Texas ... With ... illustrations

Preface

. :S CONTENTS.

Chapter I

Page. An Eighteen-Carat Desperado. — The Man from Texas. — An Awful Accident.— Heroic Conduct of the Man from Texas. — His Ranch on the Rio Frio. — Invited to Texas. — Leaving New York. — Arrival in Texas. — Galveston. — Strange and Unique City. — Cosmopolitan Population. — Diversity of Languages. — Magnificent Beach. — Tropical Vegetation. — "Dreams of the Orient." — Board of Health. — Disinfecting Dead Letters. — The Pirate Lafitte. — First Great Fraud in Louisiana. — Jealousy between Galveston and Houston. — Sand-Crabs and Mud-Turtles. — Yellow-Fever Germs. — The Infected Coffee-Bean. — Quarantine.— Two Thousand Dollars' Worth of Strategy ic

Chapter II

Sunday in Galveston. — Houses built on the Sand. — Bathing Facilities. Expostulating with a Policeman. — A Popular Fallacy. — The Beach. — Scanty Costume. — The Man with a Spy-Glass. — The Bar —A Thousand Per Cent. — Acres of Calico. — At Dinner. — The Doctor

Chapter III

The Procession. — Extraordinary Outfit. — The Doctor's Arsenal. — He wanted to buy Beads for the Indians. — All Aboard for Houston. — Buffalo Bayou. — The Magnolia. — Spanish Moss. — Ninety-Five Degrees in the Shade. — The Superannuated Old Hen-Coop. — Ten Miles of History. — Dry Seasons. — " Let's Wood Up." — Shooting Alligators. — Devastating the Boat's Commissary. — The Journey of Life. — Born with the Family Plate in his Mouth. — Arrival at Houston. — Houston in 1840. — " Infested with Red Ants and Methodists." — Hotel Chair-Sculptors. — Competitive Lying. — The Rooter Dog. — " Green from the States." — Tropical Welcome. — One Policeman to Fifteen Saloons 38

Chapter IV

"Giving Galveston Hell." — Pluribus Unum, Nox Vomica, Vox Populi. — Anchoring Galveston Island with an Artesian Well. — Houston as a Seaport. — White-Winged Messengers of Commerce. — "Damned Sight of Curiosity for a Stranger." — A Blooded Grade of Mosquitoes. — The Muscogee Indian. — "Wild Unpremeditated Eloquence." — "Semi-Bar baric Pictures of Homer." — Howling Jews-Harp, the Indian Chief. — The Doctor Disgusted. — Another Idol Broken. — The Noble Savage a Fraud. — The Future of Houston 49

Chapter V

In Search of Saddle-Horses. — A Caballada. — The Wild Steed of the Prairie. — Yells Unearthly and Language Sulphureous. — The Castilian Caballo. — Alphabetical Vagaries. — A Picturesque Plug. — The Claybank Pony. — Our Outfit. — The Texas Saddle. — On Board a Mexican Mustang. — A Corner in Corn. — Phenomenally Productive Soil. — Immense Extent of Texas. — Romance in Figures. — Speaking in Italics. — Swearing in Large Capitals. — Invented History. — "Sure, I'm in Texas Now." — Land of Desperadoes and Long-Horned Cattle. — The London " Spectator," and John Wesley Hardin. — Out on the Prairie. — Bucking Ponies. — A Moving Sight. — No Pomp and Circumstance about Him. — Bucked 60

Chapter VI

The Brazos Bottom. — Money growing on Trees. — The Oratorical Bore. — "Louder! Louder! Louder!" — The Old Plantation before the War. — The Negro as a Slave. — The Negro as a Free Man. — " Right Smart o' Distance." — "Skirmishin' 'roun' fur Grub." — "I ain't no Flossifer." — Los Brazos de Dios. — A Depraved Set. — First American Colony in Texas. — Free versus Slave Labor. — The Story told by Judge Schultz. — An Unadulterated Lie 72

Chapter VII

Sugar-Cane and Molasses. — " You must furnish your own Barrels." — Mode of Travelling. — Camping Out. — Unhorsed on the Prairie. — A Woful Sight. — After-Supper Reflections. — Night in the Woods. — A Chorus of Demons. — The Doctor's Mistake. — A Reservoir of Mirth. — A Ghastly Joke. — The Coyote. — Room to think. — A Place to practise Oratory. — Dinner in Camp 82

Chapter VIII

In Search of Shelter. — "Hello, There!" — The Old Ruin. — The Hospitable Southern Planter. — The Planter's Residence. — The Colonel. — "The Healthfullest Country in the World." — Quinine. — Corn-Bread and Fry. — "When I kem Here in '46." — Game. — Threatened with a Chill. — Fish-Stories by the Doctor. — Piscatorial Lying by the Colonel. — "Chawed up Considerable." — Needing Fresh Air. — "Chills is Nothin'." — The Absurd Pota-to-Bug. — Man's Extremity the Mosquito's Op- CONTENTS. 7 Page. 95 portunity. — " The Vittles sot Out." — The "Sweetnin"' gave Out.— Thousands of Cows and no Milk. — The Hired Man's Grace before Meat. — Four Dollars' Worth of Hospitality. — Filing a Counter-Claim .

Chapter IX

A Texas Negro. — Was it a Circus? — Going to Camp-Meeting. — The Great Gun of the Occasion. — Discharging the Gun. — The Camp-Ground. — " A Mighty Movin' Preacher." — " I's Tolerable, Thanky." — The Negroes' Wonderful Power of Memorizing. — The Hymn. — The Prayer. — " Amen I Yes, Lord." — " A Powerful Rattler of Dry Bones." — The Text : " Death in de Pot." — " De Kingdom am a comin'." — The Exhortation. — The Peroration. — Religious Paroxysms. — Getting Religion. — An Effectual Means of Grace. — Improvising. — Lost in the Woods. — Directions as to the Way. — A Blazed Road io3

Chapter X

Suffering from Thirst. — In Search of Water. — Deceptive Distances. — A Sabbath Day's Journey. — Mr. O'Lafferty burned the Biscuits. — A Conversational Cyclone. — A Malicious Slander. — Matches that would not Ignite. — "Good Luck to Yez." — Dry Seasons. — The Norther. — A Copious Breeze. — Yesterday and To-day in Texas. — The Stranger and the Norther. — Extraordinary Fall of a Thermometer. — The Country Store. — The Post-Office. — A Position of Alleged Rest. — A Smart Aleck. — Luke Sneed, the Sceptic. — " Thar ain't no Hell." — Pete White's Ghost. — News of the Battle. — A Curious Coincidence .... 121

Chapter XI

Absorbing Cattle Statistics. — Easy to get killed in Texas. — Effects of calling Mr. a Liar. — The Man, Dirks. — He wanted to be hung. — No Malice, No Murder. — An Atrocious Murder. — Difference between the Allegata and the Probata. — Self-Defence. — An Alibi. — A Defective Indictment. — Temporary Insanity. — Sentenced to Death. — Reprieved. — He left Texas to get hung. — The Tarantula. — Association of Ideas. — Three Old Maids. — The Tune that killed the Cow. — On an Irish Mountain. — Tim the Gamekeeper. — The Murderous Old Earl. — The White Hare. — The Ghost of the Neighboring Chief. — Lost in the Mists of the Mountain. — Reflections on my Sinful Base-Ball Days. — The Moonshiners J13

Chapter XII

A Corn-Bread-and-Coffee Hotel. — Eagle Lake. — An Enterprising Landlord. — Fooling with a Mortgage. — The Drummer. — " Mine Got ! Vat a Schmall Ped is Dot." — He wanted to " Schmoke a Leetle." — The Remnant. — The Ranch Del Rio. — Trying the Remedies. — He wanted to die in Peace. — " Signs " on the Prairie. — Buzzards as Detectives. — Rounding Up. — Cutting Out. — Branding. — More than the Calf-Skin would hold. — Throwing the Lasso. — No Enterprise about a Cow. — Ear-Marks. — The Doctor Rounded Up M9

Chapter XIII

Extent of Texas Cattle Business. — Annual Exports. — Mode of Raising Cattle. — A Cattle-King. — A Gorgeous Wedding-Present. — John Timon of San Patricio. — The Cowboy. — The Texas Cattle-Drive. — Two Ounces of Truth to the Ton. — Sam Grant, Captain of the Drive. — The best Stock-Range on Earth. — Sam Grant's Story. — On the Cattle-Trail. — Indians, -r- Frontier Dick. — The Whiskey all gone. — Sorry he did not skin the Savages 163

Chapter XIV

The Seedy-Looking Man. — The Real-Estate Agent. — Elastic Tales. — The Immigration Agent. — Eloquent Mendacity. — The Old Veteran. — Extraordinary Mortuary Statistics. — Battle-Scarred Heroes. — Frontier Eloquence. — Shaking him off. — A Drug in the Market. — Health Legend. — A Shadow of Antiquity. — Don Jose Ignacio Fuerte Vejez. — Suffering for a Funeral. — Back from the Valley of the Shadow. — Was it the Padre, or the Devil ? 178

Chapter XV

We went Fishing. — The Profane General. — A Mexican Panther. — "Dat ar Painter Nine Feet High." — A Joke on the General. — Death of Mose Patterson's Work-Ox. — English Immigrants. — Letters to the Times. — A Briton's Grievance. — Powerful Imagination. — Rainfall in Texas. — New Philadelphia. — Raising a Disturbance with a Plough. — "A Blawsfed Country." — Advice to Immigrants. — Riding in a Circle. — He "Got Hungry." — Interviewing an Immigrant. — The English Yeoman. — " Ich Verstehe Sie Nicht." — The Man in Lynn, Mass. — The Doctor tampers with the Immigrant Business. — The Texas Navy 191

Chapter XVI

Some Scraps of History. — A.D. 1582. — Slow in Settling Up. — Missions of St. Francis of Assisi. — The Monk and the Soldier. — Indios Reducidos. — Converting Indians with a Thumb-screw. — The Backsliding Indian Che-qua-que-ko. — The Spanish Plan of Salvation. — Religious Zeal and Enterprise. — A.D. 1690-17 15. — Founding of Missions in Texas. — Robert Cavalier de La Salle. — The French Colony. — Our Lady of Guadaloupe. — A.D. 1800. — Scientific Explorations. — Philip Nolan. — An Empresario. — Flush Times. — He didn't have the Boots. — Yearling Bulls the Circulating-Medium. — Ancient Spanish Document. — The Marquis de Casa Fuerte CONTENTS. 9

Chapter XVII

Page.. A.D. 1S22. — A High Official. — Calling out the Militia. — The Political Chief. — Curtailing Civil Liberty. — The First Carpet-Bagger. — Tampering with Mexican Soldiers. — The Germ of Texas Liberty, Fifteen Buckshot. — Declaration of Texas Independence. — Cultivating the Germ. — Military' Erents. — The Napoleon of the West. — A.D. 1836. — The Republic of Texas. — Texas Keeping House. — A Strain on the Imagination. — A Bad Settlement. — A Preaching. — He didn't Swear. — The Wrong Bottle. — Poisoned. — The Snake-Bite Remedy. — Crossing the Navidad. — A Ludicrous Act. — A Variety of Fences. — Fencing an Acre with a Toothpick ............ 218

Chapter XVIII

Greyhounds. — Coursing Jack-Rabbits. — "Give the Dogs a Start." — Lawlessness in Texas. — A Vendetta. — The Reign of Terror. — John Wesley Hardin. — Apologizing to the Widow. — "Didn't know the Stranger." — — The Suttons Corralled. — Drawing up a Treaty. — Wes' Hardin interrupts the Court. — Some Sacred Spots. — The Affluent Editor. — Bluffing an Editor. — The Archimedean Lever. — The Texas Rangers. — Wanted to be a Ranger. — The "Cavortin' Cataclysm of the Calaveras Canyon." — Strategy. — On the Trail. — The Long-Range Roarer of the Sierra Mojada. — More Strategy 234

Chapter XIX

A Big Bore. — "Hold up your Hands." — Arrested for Horse-Stealing. — About to be Hung. — The Bug from under the Wrong Chip. — Saved. — Jim McSnifter. — Luling. — A Railroad Terminus. — A "Hoorah Town." — Characteristic of American Civilization. — Mellowing Effects of Time. — Irresistible Pioneers. — Monte Joe, the Gambler. — Wore Crape on his Hat. — Little May. — The Child and the Birds. — Fairy-Tales. — Death of Little May 249

Chapter XX

Leaving Luling. — The "Dry Year." — Couldn't raise even an Umbrella. — Climatic Reveries. — The Weather-Sharp. — Grapes. — Fort Bend County Claret. — The Marine Editor of the Houston "Age." — Effects of the Claret. — "Run for Whiskey or a Doctor." — A Consumptive Cured. — " Old Sangerfest." — Dead as vun Door-Knob." — Pickling the Remains. — " Cured, py Schingo ! " 267

Chapter XXI

Approaching San Antonio. — Mexican Teamsters, English Expletives. — Mexican and Donkey. — Buenos Dias. — Michael Sullivan's Spanish Lesson. — "No Entiendo, Senor." — The Haythen. — The "Quaint Old City." — :8i 3?7 354 Foreign Aspect of San Antonio. — The Man with a Title. — Royal Order, A.D. 1730. — City of the Alamo. — The Alamo. — The Aged Gentleman. The Spot where Crockett fell. — Heroic Deeds

Chapter XXII

Old Spanish Record. — A Proclamation. — The Old and the New. — Licensed to Marry. — The San Antonio River. — "Walk your Horses." — Commerce Street. — Via Dolorosa. — Streets built by an Earthquake. — I Sat down. — The Legend. — The Padre making Fast Time. — Two Hundred Years Ago. — Carrying off a Hole in the Ground 293

Chapter XXIII

The Dust. — Spanish Profanity. — Cursing a Steeple on a Church. — The San Antonio River again. — The Abbe Domenech. — O Temporal O Mores! O Moses! — A Mexican Jacal. — Purple-haired Saints. — The Tortilla. — The Tamale. — Evil Association. — Frijoles. — The National Berry. — Chastising the Earth with a Hoe 307

Chapter XXIV

Cultivating Revolutions. — They take any Thing. — Small-Pox. — Whistling to their Corpse. — A Donkey. — On the Jury that tried his own Case. — The Irrigating-Ditches. — " Ought to be Dammed." — St. Anthony. — Jealousy among the Saints. — A Military Saint. — Naming a River .

Chapter XXV

A Pre-adamite Reptile. — Ben Milam. — Military Headquarters. — Gen. Ord. — Gen. Trevino. — Col. Moca. — "I am a whole Hospital." — Ripe for a Lunatic- Asylum. — The War-Department. — Red Tape. — " Respectfully Referred."— The San Antonio Boy.— A Wicked Sell . . . 32S

Chapter XXVI

The Bull-Fight. — Heroic Matador. — Gored by a Splinter. — Suffering to see a Bull-Fight. — Pelon. — "I had it when I was a Child." — "Another Stranger fooled on Pelon." — Secret of Commercial Success. — Sunday in San Antonio. — The " Garten Laube " on Puritan Intolerance. — A Horse of Another Color. — Liver Encourager 34,

Chapter XXVII

Taking the Town. — The Hilarious Cowboy. — He dined from Twelve till Three. — Dogs. — The No-hai* Dog. — Rats. — A Mexican Mendicant. — Speech on Finance. — Receiving a Blessing. — The Judge. He "came with the Cholera." — The Candidate for Coroner. — " Call him a Liar." — A Grand Concert. — The Poorhouse. — Progress. — Carretas CONTENTS. 11

Chapter XXVIII

Page A Device of the Early Missionaries. — Wild Ridi-ng. — A Stranger named McGinnis. — "No Shooting Aloud." — City Ordinances in 1823. — The Chanting Priests. — The Wicked Parrot. — "Ora Pro Nobis." — Jake Mullins. — Texas Strawberries. — An Undutiful Son. — Searching for his Shotgun 368

Chapter XXIX

Adels Vercin. — Curious Colonization Scheme. — Painfully Exclusive. — Afflicted with a Pedigree. — Lord Palmerston's Wiles. — English Policy. — German Emigration. — Prince Solms Braunfels in Texas. — Evidences of Business Ability. — Large Operation in Real Estate. — A Man of Low Degree. — The Prince's Body-Guard. — " Herr Von Wrede, is that my Army ? " — A Business Man. — Baron von Meusebach. — Three Thousand Destitute Immigrants. — Fritznoodle's Mismanagement. — Only Fifteen Hundred Survivors 379

Chapter XXX

The Stage-Driver. — Stage-Robbery. — The Reporter. — Extremes. — New Braunfels. — Phlegmatic Teutons. — Songs of Fatherland. — "Dot Fellow talks about Schneider." — He knew the Mule. — Texas Stockmen. The Comal River. — Fritz Schimmelpfenig. — A Man of Influence. — Going back to Fatherland. — Incredulity of the Burgomaster. — Paralyzing the Aristocracy. — He brought his Bones back with him . . . 3SS

Chapter XXXI

The Red-faced Man. — Down on Style. — "For Heaven's Sake, explain Yourself." — Back to San Antonio. — Wool Exchange. — The Sentimental Tourist. — Dropping a Tear at the Local Thermopylæ. — Raining Employees and Tin Dinner- Pails. — The Grand Jury ought to be indicted. — The Mission San Jose. — The Sword and the Crozier .... 401

Chapter XXXII

A Prominent Desperado. — Offering up a Victim. — Murder. — A Mere Formality. — Brown Bowen. — Off to the Hanging. — Gonzales. — The Lexington of Texas. — The Bald-headed Man. — He wanted a Brandy Peach. — Interviewing a Murderer. — An Excited Lawyer. — "Bring your Children around to see me hung." — Narrow Escape of the Clergyman. — Around the Scaffold. — The Execution 414

Chapter XXXIII

A Barbecue. — The Ancient Briton. — The Modern American. — The Sierra Mojada Mines. — Gen. Baylor's Silver-Mountain. — "A Good Thing." Chopping out Silver with an Axe. — No Capital needed. — A Sierra Mojada Sufferer. — Unrecognizable. — Discovery of the Mines. — The True Version. — Pursued by Indians. — Silver Bullets. — Assaying Mrs. Parker's Aged Mother. — Lost Mines. — Vague Traditions. — His Impe rial Majesty, Iturbide. — Anastasio Bustamente. — For the Public Good. — The Spanish Plan. — The American Plan 435

Chapter XXXIV

West of San Antonio. — Cooking a Biscuit. — Awaiting the Result. — Talk about Indians. — The Doctor's Threats. — Discretion. — Talking Ollendorf's Spanish Exercises. — A Disappointment. — Only a Greaser. — An Early Settler. — "Wasn't raised Civilized." — "Want to buy a Coon?" — " Owin' to how You was Raised." — " Whiskey ? I Should Say So." — "Stand off Twenty Yards." — Sheep-Raising. — Texas Shepherd. — A Sheep Camp. — Sheep Statistics. — A Goose-Ranch .... 453

Chapter XXXV

The Sewing-Machine Agent. — The Mesquite-Tree. — Animated Nature. — The Doctor's Deadly Aim. — The Doctor attempts a Witticism. — The Late Fratricidal Struggle. — Texas during the War. — The Reporter's War-Experience. — An Inhuman Order. — The Hireling Foe. — Not Much of a Patriot. — Battle of Norris's Bridge. — The Sanguinary Field. — No Subject to joke about. — " Freezing his Damned Rebel Legs off." — Scouting around the Truth. — Precipitating the Conflict. — Confederate Rations. — Federal Relations. — Weeping over an Empty Sardine-Box .

Chapter XXXVI

Picket-Duty. — He had No Friends. — "It's Worse than a Coyote." — An Historic Plug of Tobacco. — The Carnage at Norris's Bridge. — Shelling. — A Surprise. — "Deploy to the Right." — " Disperse, you Blamed Fool." — "Hurrah for the Southern Confederacy!" — He kept the Bridge. — Bad Old Men 4Sg

Chapter XXXVII

The Indian Country. — Big-Foot Wallace. — "Injuns is Injuns." — The Untutored Savage. — Commercial Relations. — Wicked Partners. — Travelling at Night. — Dividing the Responsibility. — The Aboriginal Tramp. — Satisfied with Half a Loaf. — Friendship of Jonathan and Pythias. — Unprofitable Neighbors. — Terra Desconocido. — Falling Back. — Violent Horseback Exercise. — The Heretic Gringo. — Riding a Thousand Miles in Ten Days. — Orders in Advance. — A Business-Card. — Not like an Indian. — Policy of the United States. — Indian Agents. — Beef and Blankets. — A Bare Margin. — Misdirected Compassion . . . 502

Chapter Xxxviii

Indian Deviltries. — Guilt of Reservation Indians. — Raids. — No Sympathy. — Iniquitous Management. — Abstract G. — List of Killed. — A Cry for Help. — Murder of Gen. Byrne. — Our Paternal Government. — New CONTENTS. 13 Page. 569 Posts needed. — The Soldier who lost his Indians. — Apache John. — "Heap Hungry, Heap Die." — Gen. Sheridan's Report. — Heroic but Hopeless Defence. — Document E. — Houses silled with Sorrow. — Thieves and Cut-Throats. — Desolated Homes. — "Marauding Villains." — Crying for Justice 519

Chapter XXXIX

Overworked Mexican Soldiers. — Duck-Hunting. — Old Colorado. — Two Hundred Thousand Cattle Stolen. — Congressional Investigations. — Notes on Stock-Raising. — Helplessness of the Mexican Government. — National Pride. — Talk about War. — Dropping the Subject. — Action of the United States. — What caused "Great Irritation." — United-States Diplomacy. — Mild Language by Hamilton Fish. — English Diplomacy. — Strong Language by Earl Russell 535

Chapter XL

Rip Ford and the Goat-Claim. — Goats multiplying Unreasonably. — " Texas won't hold her Goats." — Figuring on Mules. — The Rio Grande. — A Crooked Story. — Involuntary Ablutions. — Full of Whiskey and Party Pride. — A Citizen of Two Countries. — Tying Volunteers with a Rope. Pronunciamentos. — Levying Prestimas. — How Revolutions are started. Mexican Bravado. — The Reporter's Fanfaronade. — A Revolutionary Editor. — The Reporter interviews Himself 550

Chapter XLI

Illiterate Officers. — Mexican Vouchers. — Satisfactory Evidence of Death. — The Santa Fe Expedition. — Cutting off his own Ears. — The Reporter in Arms again. — Real Hard Services. — A Military Necessity. — Grim-visaged War. — Luxury of Sleep. — Wild Horses. — Mustangers. — Buffalo-Hunting. — The Mexican Pastor. — An Aristocratic Bull-Whacker. — The Tramp

Chapter XLII

The Reporter again to the Front. — A Hog-Story. — A Suspicious Farmer. — Insulting a Sacred Cause. — Assuming an Offensive Position. — Insult added to Injury. — The Distinguished Lawyer's Story. — The Colonel of the 33d. — Spare-Ribs. — An Old Patriarch. — Smoot, the Ex Stage- Driver. — Operations in Pork. — Pursued. — Arrested. — Released. — A Base Insinuation 59°

Chapter XLIII

Mineral Resources of Texas. — The Journalist. — " He tried his Editorials on Me." — Profoundly Exasperating. — Wishing for Death.— Cutting off a Dog's Tail by Inches. — Novel Mode of disseminating Intelligence. — A Heavy Editorial. — An Excited Patron. — " Stop my Paper." — A Campaign Document. — The Post-Trader. — A Change of Administration. The Farmer and the Watermelon. — An Agricultural Address. — A Bank rupt Newspaper. — The Daily Bugle . 605

Chapter XLIV

The Old Hunter. — The Llano Estacado. — The Cruel Mexican Maiden.— At the Presidio. — Bracing up the Old Hunter. — An Absurdity. — The Flask. — The Mustang Spring. — A Very Clever Gentleman. — A Temporary Loan. — A Permanent Investment. — Purchasing-Power of $2.50 .

Chapter XLV

Shaping our Course for Austin. — A Camel Ranch. — The Cactus. — End of our Ride. — Arrival in Austin. — Parting with our Ponies. — An Affecting Scene. — The Capital of the State of Texas. — A Miracle of Architectural Absurdity. — The Alamo Monument. — The Legislative Halls. — Oil-Paintings. — George Washington. — Sam Houston. — Davy Crockett .

Chapter XLVI

A Sweet Singer. — A Good Grammarian. — Meteoric Genius. — Gems of Fancy. — Measuring Poetry by the Bushel. — Shakspeare Discounted. — Fifteen-cents-on-the-Dollar Residences. — Victoria R. — Treaty of Annexation. — Legislative Dignity. — Parliamentary Tactics .... 648

Chapter XLVII

The Imported Dog. — Thrall's History of Texas. — Immigration. — Kind of Immigrant Texas needs. — What Texas offers the Immigrant. — Solid Facts. — Useful Truths. — The Future of the State. — Leaving Texas. — Finis . 6C0

Chapter I

called him a desperado and a gambler. They said that he " al ways went heeled, toted a derringer, and was a bad crowd generally." It was rumored that he had killed five, eight, sime said ten men during his short career ; yet no one would have thought, to look at the well dressed young man, mild of manner, and careful as to the / parting of his hair, that he was the fire-eater he was reputed to be. He was as unlike the gory desperado of "the villain-still pursued-her" style of literature as a divinity student is unlike the life-insurance agent of real life. Tottering under the responsibility of a copious diamond breastpin, and carrying a small cane in his gloved hand, he might have been taken for a hotel clerk, were it not for his conciliatory and gentlemanly manners. When Phil Parker was pointed out to strangers as a gambler, and a man who had checked several of his acquaintances through to the other world, it was always added that he was a gentleman for all that, and was never known to take an unfair advantage of any of his victims, nor to go back on a friend.

This high-toned and honorable desperado "operated" in one of the inland cities of Tex as two years ago. He was one of the chief features of the place. He was a character so associated with the city, that to speak of it with o u t mentioning Phil Parker would be like writing a description of Sheffield without allud ing to the matter of cutlery. A stranger stopping a few days in the city where Parker lived, would be apt to leave AN EIGHTEEN-CARAT DESPERADO. with the impression that the place consisted of a wretchedly poor jail, a very handsome court-house, and of Phil Parker and several thousand other inhabitants. Unlike most professional gamblers, he was seldom "broke." When, in the language of the fraternity, he "struck it rich," and was in funds, he would sometimes celebrate the occasion by a free use of the flowing bowl.

This made him enthusiastic on the subject of shooting; his enthusiasm culminating in a AN EIGHTEEN-CARAT DESPERADO. 17 visit to some friend's saloon, where he would exhibit his pro ficiency in the use of the revolver by shattering mirrors, lamp chimneys, bottles, and other fragile articles, concluding with the laconic remark to the bar-keeper, " Them's mine : put 'em on the slate." His right to indulge in such mild eccentricities was seldom disputed, for two reasons, — first, to do so would be a risk of the class that insurance companies term extra-hazardous ; and, secondly, Phil always dropped in after he became sober, and paid for all the damage done. On several occasions the glass of every lamp on the square was shattered by pistol-bullets fired by some person or persons unknown. In connection with this, it is a noteworthy fact, that, on every one of these occasions, Phil Parker was in town, and also, that, strange to say, the intelligent and ever-vigilant policeman had just stepped around the corner to obtain a clew from a man regarding a case that was being " worked up " by that lynx eyed officer (the man wore an apron, and furnished the clew in a tumbler).

Thus it was that the unfortunate absence of the peace-officer at the critical moment prevented him from see ing or arresting the offender. The subject of this sketch was very much respected wherever he was known, especially by the police. Mat Woodlief, a noted gambler, once kept a saloon in one of the little railroad towns on the Sunset Route. One night a big blustering Texan came into the saloon with some friends. After forming' himself into a hollow square around eight or ten able-bodied glasses of whiskey, he became boisterous, and be gan exhuming old grievances about the war, and its consequences to him in the loss of his plantation and negroes (he never owned a slave in his life, and the only connection he ever had with a plantation was through a hoe-handle). He abused the Yankees, calling them liars and thieves, and using toward them all manner of vile epithets.

He said, " I can make the biggest man of them eat dirt, /can. I'm hell on the Wa bash, / am. The durned body-snatchers, they took all of my niggers ; but I'll get even with 'em yet. There ain't one of them man enough to stand up with me in a fair fight. I just '1/ c want one of them to contradict me, an' I'll bore holes in him till he can't hold water. I wish one of the cowardly coyotes would come along now, till I'd carve out the material for a funeral. I'm just pining away for a fight. I'm a raw-hide Texan, / am ; but I can lick daylight out'n the biggest Yankee ever grew in New England." During this harangue Phil Parker, who had been playing a quiet game of poker in the back-room, appeared upon the scene. He was dressed in black, a linen duster on his left arm, and a silk hat of the latest style perched jauntily over his right eyebrow.

Sucking the end of an ivory-headed walking-cane, this eighteen-carat desperado sauntered up to the bellicose Texan. " My friend," said he, " I'm a Yankee from Massachusetts : I'm a harmless and inoffensive drummer, — suaviter in modo, sed fortiter in re, as we say in the classics, — and it is with pain that I have heard you ven tilate your opinion as you have just now done. I do not like to hurt your feelings, sir : but my duty, under the circumstances, compels me to tell you that you THE BELLICOSE TEXAN. are a coward ; my regard for truth causes me to remark that you are a liar ; and my wish for a candid interchange of com pliments prompts me to state that I do not think you are brave enough to kill a worm, nor that you have the courage to quar rel with a crippled flea." The warlike mutilator of Yankees was speechless with sur prise.

The temerity of the man from Massachusetts horrified him. . As Parker concluded his remarks with a bow, the big Texan was boiling over with suppressed rage, and attempted to draw his pistol ; but, before his hand touched the stock, a bullet from Parker's six-shooter clipped the lobe off his ear, and the weapon AN AWFUL ACCIDENT. 19 itself descended on his head, and stretched him senseless on the floor. Parker, assisted by one of his friends, placed the unconscious man in a hack, drove him to a drug-store, had a doctor sew up the wounded ear, and instructing the druggist to "tell that blowhard that he has been fooling with Phil Parker of , who has marked him with his private ear-mark," returned to finish his game in the back-room of Woodlief's saloon. Two years after the date of the occurrence described above, I spent six days in a little town in one of the New-England States with Phil Parker.