Abroad with Twitty

Front matter

goofcs ta hi grab. By I. Zangwill. THE BACHELORS' CLUB. With Illustrations by George Hutchinson. Seventh Edition. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Barry Pain. THE KINDNESS OF THE CELESTIAL. By the Author of " Stories and Interludes." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Richard Marsh. THE M AH ATM AS PUPIL. By the Author of "The Devil's Diamond." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Ernest Mulliner. ■■DECLINED WITH THANKS." By the Author of "Abroad with Twitty." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By F. NORREYS CONNELL. IN THE GREEN PARK; OR, HALF-PAY DEITIES. With Illustrations by F. H. Townsend. Cruwn 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Oliver Dale. STRANGE STORIES OF STRANGE PEOPLE. By Oliver Dale. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. London: HENRY AND CO. Bv ERNEST MULLINER Author of "Declined with Thanks" etc. LONDON HENRY AND CO., BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. [AU rights reserved} First Edition, February 1894 Printed by Hazel/, Watson, & Vincy, Ld., London and Aylesbury.

TO THE CRITICS WHO SO KINDLY FAVOURED "Declined with Thanks" CONTENTS. CHAP . PAGE I MY WIFE'S SURPRISE — MY FRIEND'S — A CON- SOLING ANECDOTE — THE MARRIED MAN — THE CRITICS — I CONTINUE .... I II THE CIRCUMSTANCES — THE EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCES OF MAJOR LIGHTFOOT . . 7 III TWITTY — THE MAN WHO WAS SATISFIED — OCCULT MESSAGES — THE MESSAGE FROM JONES — TWITTY'S PORPOISE — TWITTY CATCHES A SHARK — TWITTY LECTURES UPON IT 29 IV. TWITTY BECOMES INSPIRED— HE TELLS ABOUT OLD SKULLY'S SKELETON . . -49 V. WIGSTAFFE TELLS THE TRUE STORY OF SCEPTIC AND CYNIC 70 VI. THE DOCTOR RELATES ANOTHER EXPERIENCE — THE SUICIDE'S REVENGE 95 VII. LAND HO ! — CAPE TOWN — WE GO ASHORE — TWITTY PLAYS THE JEW'S HARP — THE SNAKE'S LAST MOMENTS— OLD ISAAC'S EX PERIMENT — TWITTY GETS THE SMALLPOX — QUARANTINE— THE STOWAWAY . . . 1 CONTENTS.

VI CHAP. VIII. IX, X XI XII XIII. PAGE WE LAND AT PORT ELIZABETH — TWITTY ADMIRES THE SURFMEN, AND HAS TROUBLE AT THE CUSTOM-HOUSE — MR. SILAS TADPOLE — HIS BROTHER, JAKES THE GENIUS, AND THE ELEPHANT GOBBO 133 TWITTY AND THE MOSQUITO — WE JOURNEY UP COUNTRY TO CRADOCK — TADPOLE RELIEVES THE MONOTONY BY TELLING ABOUT THE GREAT MOSQUITO PLAGUE AND COGGS' NOSE 153 CRADOCK — TWITTY TALKS WITH A MODEST AFRICANDER — THE RUDE AFRICANDER MEN — WE GO AWAY IN THE COACH — LITTLE SPOOKS HAS A "CONCERN" — HE TEACHES US A LESSON— "THE WICKED, EVIL-MINDED MAN " 1/2 WE TRAVEL FARTHER — THE FARM — THE HOSPIT- ABLE BOER — THE OSTRICH AND TWITTY — THE MUMMY DREAM — THE KA— RIMPIZJAM . 19O A STRONG-MINDED GERMAN— TWITTY BECOMES MORE HOMESICK AND DEPRESSED— TWITTY SMOKES DACHA — ANOTHER PREVIOUS IN- CARNATION — TWITTY AND TADPOLE SEE A TURTLE— I'HE MAN DEBBIL. . . .213 BLOEMFONTEIN — THE HOTEL— TADPOLE ARGUES WITH THE PROPRIETOR — TWITTY HEARS OF A CABLEGRAM AND GETS THE TOOTHACHE — TWITTY IS OPERATED UPON— THE CABLEGRAM OPENED— THE RESULTS — MY DIFFICULTY . 23 I X 1 "ABROAD WITH TWITTY."

Chapter I. My Wife's Surprise

MY FRIEND'S. — A CONSOLING ANEC- DOTE. THE MARRIED MAN. THE CRITICS. I CONTINUE. WHEN I told my wife that my book, "Declined with Thanks/' had been accepted, she looked at me. I said that I was quite in my right mind ; and so were the publishers. Then I went on to say that I felt several inches taller already, by reason of the encouraging things they had said to me. I said that it was very nice to be appreciated. My wife wanted to look ; so I showed her the letter. She stared at the letter. Then she stared at me. I bore the scrutiny with undeniable self-possession. The terms proposed were distinctly good, even from my point of view. My wife asked, slowly, whether I was not mistaken ? It was a firm of publishers who had written that letter, wasn't it ? I said it was My wife gave a sigh of astonishment and relief.

She said that, at first, she thought they were a firm of philan thropists in disguise. Then, when my wife fully realised that I was to become an author, she wanted to take all the credit to herself. She said that she had done it ! I asked what she had done? She replied that — in effect— she had written that book ! If it hadn't been for her, I never should have written it ! It was all because she had laughed at it that night in bed ! It was just my contrariness that had written that book ! Also she had told me what to write about ! 1 said : " Well, well, my dear, we won't argue." I never argue with my wife if I can help it. But sometimes she makes me. It always upsets me. There were other people besides my wife who were astonished with " Declined with Thanks." I was a little myself. I met a friend in the city shortly after the book came out, and he rushed across the way, and took hold of me.

He didn't even say " Good-day." He was too agitated. He looked me gravely and wonderingly in the face, and said, very impressively : " Do — you— mean — to — tell — me — that — you — have — written — that — book ? " I said I thought I had. Then he ejaculated that it was extraordinary ! He said that he couldn't understand it at all ! A solemn- A CONSOLING ANECDOTE. 3 visaged, melancholy-eyed, hollow-cheeked, lantern-jawed fellow to have written that book was beyond his com prehension. I said I could quite understand that. Then my friend took my arm and walked down the street with me without saying anything for a time. Then he gazed in a troubled manner upon me, and kept repeating : " Dear me — dear me ! Who would have thought it ? Dear me — dear me — dear — dear ! " He was an elderly gentleman He went on to say that it was wonderful.

He had never even seen me smile. I said that was so. I never did feel inclined to smile when with him, somehow. Then I thought that I would relieve him a little, as he seemed so cut up by his mistaken estimate of my character. So I told to him a little thing that had happened to me. I said that whilst I was busy with " Declined with Thanks," I chanced to be at the seaside, with my wife. We were walking along the promenade, one day ; and I was chuckling to myself — internally — over a silly idea that had come, when we passed a carriage stand. " Carriage, sir ? Beautiful day for a drive, sir ! Carriage, sir ? " said a voice. I was so enjoying my idea that I took no notice. Then the voice completed what it wanted to say. It said : " Um — or a funeral coach ? " My friend didn't laugh at all. He sighed.

He said that was the mystery — to all appearance I was such an utterly miserable man. I asked my friend if he didn't know that the funniest nonsense was that born of a miserable man trying to think life worth living ? He said that he had not heard that before. But I said it was so, however. Also, I reminded him, that when he said I looked such an utterly miserable man, he must not forget that I was married. He admitted — feelingly — that made a difference, of course. He was a married man himself. He, too, had a subdued air. It is a strange thing that one can always tell a married man from a bachelor. To the keen observer there is a peculiar subdued look — more or less — about a married man, which is unfailing in its significance. I know that if a man makes a study of it he is never mistaken.

I knew a certain bachelor once who was a singularly contented and happy man. He betrothed himself to a charming girl ; and he certainly seemed to be more contented and happy. I hoped to myself that it would last. I lost sight of him for several months ; then I met him. Now, a casual observer would have thought he was as contented and happy as ever. But I was an expert — I looked at his eye. Then I extended my hand, and asked him, heartily, how he was ? I hoped that it had all passed off without a hitch ; that they had had no end of costly wedding presents, and that they had not had to give a ball or anything expensive like that, but only a reception, in order to get them ; that THE CRITICS. 5 they had had a heavenly honeymoon, and that she was well ; that he still thought her an angel — and so on.

Then I got serious. I reminded him that if they wanted to be happy together they must keep the " two bears " in the house — an old lady had told me that. They must not quarrel ; some people said quarrelling was good, but it wasn't —he might take it from me. I said he must not give way to any of his hasty feelings, and swear and stamp round, or go to the theatre by himself, or have too many pretty cousins that he kissed ; and Then he interrupted me. He wanted to know how on earth I knew all that ? I replied that I amused myself by observing human nature. He sighed, and said he wished he had done. When I say these things to my wife, she gets cross. But they afford the only explanation why I look as if I wanted a funeral coach when I am thoroughly enjoying a silly idea. Well, after " Declined with Thanks "had been published, and the critics had had their little say, my wife said that she didn't mind my going on and telling a little more about my adventures with Twitty.

She rather liked Twitty. All ladies did, somehow. I never could understand it. My wife said she felt very well disposed towards all the critics, because they had been very kind and courteous and encouraging — -except one or two. One was the man on The Squeaker, and the other was the Black and Buff man. My wife said she didn't like that old fossil on The Squeaker, for he seemed to have so much bile and acidity, and was so very angry because I had tried to be a little cheerful. But still he did admit that I could write a real down right " blood-curdler," and seemed to enjoy such things ; but she could not understand it, notwithstanding. I said I could. I felt quite sure that " blood-curdled " taste was, with him, constitutional. Then my wife said that she felt truly sorry for the editor of the Black and Buff- — the weekly magazine with pictures in — because he was the only man who had fallen into our cunningly contrived and skilfully constructed trap.

He could not appreciate the joke of the title of "Declined with Thanks" even as well as a Scotchman. Also, he had taken my little joke about magazine editors being " silly " quite seriously ! Then he had got cross, and suggested that I was a " literary destitute ! " I said that was very funny indeed. Then I went on to say that my wife must not lie too sensitive. Critics would have their little say— especially those who didn't read the books, but trusted to their spleen and inner consciousness. Well, my wife said she didn't mind my telling the other deck stories, and the wonderful adventures of Twitty and myself in the Dark Land, and all about the Lions, and Elephants, and Snakes, and little men and women called Pigmies, and all the hairbreadth escapes we had going up into the interior, and all the brave things we did — just like Stanley — provided I told the truth. I said that I would regard her wishes, and began " The Extraordinary Experiences of Major Lightfoot."

Chapter II. The Circumstances

THE EXTRAORDINARY EXPERI- ENCES OF MAJOR LIGHTFOOT. FOR the information of those individuals who have not availed themselves of the pleasure of reading my book " Declined with Thanks," I may explain that I and my friend, Reginald Twitty, were on our voyage to the Cape on the good steamship the Grantully Castle. Twitty and I had left our mutual friend Jones with regret. The last we saw of Jones was that he was trying, very hard, to fish up with a boat-hook a pocket-handkerchief which he had taken out to say good-bye with, and which he had dropped by mistake into the dirty dock water. We had pleasing recollections of Jones. Duty called Twitty to the Cape. He had got a berth in a bank somewhere up country — in the interior, so Twitty said ; and I, being a steady, moral man, was going with him, upon Jones' advice, to see him safely there.

The Major's extraordinary experiences were related on deck, one evening after dinner, in the tropics, as we sat with a pleasant company in the wicker armchairs, which we had all got at Madeira, much to the disgust of the fat bo'sun and his crew, who were always tumbling over them, and swearing. The audience consisted of myself; my friend Twitty ; the Major, with his stout podgy legs, fat red face, purply swollen nose, explosive voice and goggle eyes, who had told us the story about the monkey Jacko the ungrateful and his Uncle Jabez ; Wigstaffe, the comedian, with the George Grossmith face and the big round glasses, who had told us the true stories of the musical duck and his great-aunt Hannah, and Abraham, the beautiful brown-coated and whitecountenanced, white-tailed, intelligent donkey and the babies ; little Spooks, the white-faced missionary, who was going up into the interior to Ugandangdamndana, all by himself, to teach the heathen savage the truth and to make him happy ; the Doctor, who had told the weird and ghastly story of " A Dead Man's Hand," and raised a concern in Twitty's wonderful mind about the garments and things of a fellow having ghosts like rational beings, which had made the Major restive, and want to tell us his extraordinary experiences ; and several others, including Twitty's lady friends.

Twitty had supplied the Major with a fresh tumbler of whiskey and water and a further cigar, so the Major said : " Now when my monkey, Jacko, served me that scurvy trick with Uncle Jabez which I have told you about, it not only convinced me that animals have intellect and souls, like us humans, but it made me think a lot. I began to think about serious subjects. I grew quite philosophical, and my friends began to wonder if it was me. It was me ; but I was a changed man for a time." Here the Major sighed heavily. I think he had thoughts of his Uncle Jabez having cut him off with a shilling, and having left all the residue of his estate to the good-for nothing cousin Joe — all through that wicked, ungrateful monkey, Jacko. The Major continued : " Well, at that time, you know, I didn't believe in any personal evil spirit, you know ; but I began to.

It seemed to me that Jacko could not have done that thing unless he had been prompted to it by the Evil One. And if there were an evil spirit, it seemed to me that there must be a place for him to live in. So I made up my mind that there was an evil spirit, and that he lived in a place of torment." " Quite right," said little Spooks approvingly. Twitty groaned. He wanted to give another lecture on Esoteric Buddhism, but he restrained himself. The Major cast a withering glance upon little Spooks ; but little Spooks smiled with the self-satisfied consciousness of having done his duty. Then the Major again continued : " Well, I got thinking that, if there were a place of torment, I might possibly go there when I died, unless I changed my mode of life. Not that I was a very bad fellow ; but I never went to prayer-meetings, and such things.

"One evening, however, I was going home thinking seriously about religious matters — it is astonishing what a hold they take of a man sometimes — when I happened to pass the doorway of a hall which I knew was often used for prayer-meetings, revivals, and things like that. There was a miserable, cut-throat-looking sort of a fellow at the door — I don't mean a ferocious fellow, but a man who looked as if something had given him dyspepsia badly — and he, waving his arm to me invitingly, said, in a tone of the greatest despondency : " ' Enter, stranger ! Welcome ! ' " Now, I thought this was a special invitation to me ; I daren't decline it, so I entered. "When I got in I found it was not a prayer -meeting; but another fellow came up to me and said I had to pay him five shillings : it was a spiritualistic seance.

"I thought, barring the five shillings, that this was better than the prayer-meeting. So I paid the five shillings, and stopped. I was glad I stopped ; I found out a good many things. " The room held about twenty people ; and when I got there they were just going to begin. It was almost dark. I could only just see the outlines of the audience. " There was a table, of course, and we were all seated round it. Then the Professor came out. He was a most venerable-looking man, with a long white beard and a high forehead. The Professor explained that the medium whom he was going to introduce to us was his grand-daughter, a girl of seventeen ; and he asked us to give the subject upon which we were about to enter our serious attention and conduct. There was nothing more distressing to the spirits than to be made fun of.

" I felt solemn enough. The atmosphere was depressing, and I had begun to regret the five shillings. " Then the medium came in. She didn't come sailing through the air, or anything of that kind ; but she walked in through the doorway like an ordinary mortal. I could see that most of the audience were disappointed. " However, the medium was a very pretty girl. She stepped up on to the table in a dainty manner that was charming ; and I got as near to her as I could." Here the Major smiled, so did the ladies ; but little Spooks looked hurt. Then the Major went on : " Well, the medium perched herself upon a chair which stood in the centre of the table, and the Professor said the performance was going to begin. The lights were turned out, and we were in perfect darkness. "Then, suddenly, about half-a-dozen balls of blue light came bobbing about over our heads and in our faces.

I wanted to know what those were ? The medium said they were spirits. You see, Doctor, they were the same colour as the Colonel. They were very active spirits ; but the medium said they would calm down presently, and manifest themselves to us in their human form. In about five minutes the spirits did get a bit quieter, and gradually died away — all except one spirit, and this ball stood still at last by the side of the medium. " I said — thinking of my five shillings — that it was time we saw something definite. The medium said we should — presently. " Then the blue light got longer and longer, and very slowly we discerned the dim figure of a man enshrouded in a misty bluish light. The man was attired in garments of the last century. He had a cocked hat on, a long thick coat, and top-boots, with spurs.

He also had a couple of murderous-looking pistols stuck in his belt. He had a devil-may-care expression of countenance ; and I recognised him at once. " It was a wicked Ancestor of mine who had been hanged for his misdeeds. I knew him from a painting we had at home. His name was Jonathan Lightfoot — and he had been light of foot, too. He had taken to the highway, and used to get an easy living by relieving old gentlemen and ladies of their surplus cash when travelling. He had done two or three murders, too. He was my great-grandfather. " I was rather glad to see him : it seemed as if this pretty medium wasn't altogether a fraud. I said, after recovering from my first surprise : " ' Why, that's Jonathan Lightfoot ! ' " The figure nodded assent, and grinned. I said : " ' How are you, great-grandfather ?

I didn't expect to see you here. It was kind of you to come.' " But the ghost didn't say anything, and looked annoyed. " Then the medium explained that the poor ghost couldn't speak to me unless I took hold of her hand. So I held that hand tight. " My Ancestor seemed pleased at that, and nodded his head and grinned again. " Then, after eyeing me critically, my Ancestor said, in a hollow, far-away tone, that he was glad to see that I was a chip of the old block. He said that he had come a long way to see me, and he shouldn't have come at all, only he knew that he could tell me something I wanted to know very badly. He just wanted to ease my mind, and he had come all the way on purpose to do it. I said I hoped he would. He said he fully intended to, however unpleasant I might find it. For once, he was going to do his duty.

He said : " ' You see, great-grandson, I know what you have been bothering your brain about just lately, and I'm just going to put you right upon it.' " I began to feel rather nervous. It is all very well thinking about the devil, and where he lives, and so forth; but when it comes to having the true facts revealed to you by a ghost who knows, it is rather upsetting. However, I decided to put a good face upon the matter, and said I should be delighted. " Then my Ancestor grinned again, maliciously, this time. He said he hoped I should ; I had only to just come along with him, that was all. " ' What ! ' I cried. ' You don't mean to say that I have to let go of this nice, plump hand, and go along with you to ' " I hesitated to complete the sentence ; but my Ancestor understood. He said that was just it exactly.

I groaned a bit then, and said I didn't much mind about knowing ; but my unfeeling Ancestor chuckled a ghostly chuckle, and said I couldn't back out now : he had made all the necessary arrangements for my visit. " I wanted to know whether he was quite sure that it was only a visit. He replied that it was so — I wasn't expected there to stay, just yet. That would come all in good time. "Then he wanted to know whether I was ready. He said he couldn't stop away very long : he was rather an im portant person in his way, and would be missed. He said : " ' Come, great-grandson, just leave go of that hand, and take mine. You'll find it quite warm and comfortable. I'm not one of those cold-blooded ghosts, you know ! ' " And he stretched out his hand invitingly. I made an effort, and, tearing away my hand from the clasp of the pretty medium, I thrust it into that of the ghost.

" It was a warm clasp. I thought I had taken hold of hot bars, and cried out. But my Ancestor gave again his infernal chuckle, and I was conscious of being dragged away from the pretty medium, and of floating through walls and a housetop, up into the air, as if I had been a balloon. I said : " ' How is this, great-grandfather ? We are going up ! " " ' It's all right, my boy,' replied my Ancestor. ' It isn't where people suppose it, at all. It is all up — there is no down ! That's rather a surprise for you, isn't it ? ' " I said it was, rather. " ' Yes,' said my Ancestor, ' it is a long way up. We have not got very far, yet. If you'll just look down, great grandson, you can still see the world.' " I did look down, and felt giddy ; but I clutched my Ancestor tightly, although I knew where he was taking me to.

" It was a beautiful, moonlight night ; and I could see the earth distinctly, and the lights and big buildings. I wondered whether I should ever get back again. I wanted to. It didn't seem such a bad place, after all. " ' You had better take a farewell look, great-grandson,' said my Ancestor. I started convulsively. Then he said : ' For a time, at any rate. We are just going up quicker, directly.' " So I cast a longing look upon the black body below, which was fading rapidly enough already. '• I said again to my Ancestor that I hoped he was quite sure that I should not be expected to stay. "This made him angry. He said he had told me that already — I need not be in such a funk. Nobody wanted me there just yet. When my time came I should not be forgotten ; I need not be uneasy. " I didn't quite like the way in which my Ancestor took it for granted that I was destined to keep him company for eternity ; but I did not think it wise to argue or make any fuss, under the circumstances.

Then my Ancestor suddenly said : " ' Now then, great-grandson, hold fast. We are going up now ! ' " I clung to him desperately ; and we went up with a mighty rush. The air rushed past so quickly that I gasped for breath, and felt the blood surging in my brain". I thought it was all over with me, when I found that we were slackening speed. Then we became stationary. " My Ancestor chuckled again his infernal chuckle, and said : " ' Well, great-grandson, we are there ! ' " ' Where ? ' I asked, looking round. " ' Where ? Why, in ' " ' Hush ! great-grandfather,' I interrupted hurriedly. ' Are we there ? ' " ' We are,' he replied, grimly. "I again looked round anxiously, but I couldn't see any thing. There was nothing but space to see. " ' I can't see anything, great-grandfather ! ' I said. " ' Of course you can't, not yet,' replied my Ancestor ; ' but you will presently.

There are all sorts of evil, wicked spirits about you now.' " ' You don't say so ! ' I ejaculated, shuddering. " ' Fact ! But I can't let you see 'em till I have got permission to show 'em to you. If you'll wait here a moment I'll just go and get it. Our Chief is not at all an ill-natured fellow ; and if I tell him that you have come all the way on purpose, there will be no difficulty.' " I said I hoped there wouldn't. Then my Ancestor said, warningly : " ' Now, don't get strolling away from this place, or good ness knows what may happen to you ! Stay where you are ; I'll be back directly.' " And he was gone like a flash. " I felt lonely ; I didn't like being left all by myself in that place. I was just getting worked up into an awful state of nervous excitement when my Ancestor came back again.

He certainly hadn't been long. He said it was all right ; he could take me through and show me the sights, or one or two of them. " Then he put his two fingers upon my eyeballs, and I saw that we were walking along a country lane. It was a bare, bleak-looking lane. There were no leaves upon the trees, nor anything else that was cheerful. It was a depressing lane. I said : " ' Why, great-grandfather, we have got back to earth again ! " " My Ancestor said : "'No, great-grandson, we have not left — hem! — Hades, yet. You see, great-grandson, I don't like giving it the scrip tural translation. Earth, indeed ! Nothing of the sort. No, no — why, I haven't shown you anything yet. But I will do. To begin with, I'll just show you the form of punishment that a great many of our community get. Hades isn't what people generally believe it.

There is no frizzling and burn ing, and all that. You see, great-grandson, Hades is just a state— a condition— not a place at all. It is just like this : everybody in Hades gets just what he doesn't want, and what he disliked most on earth ; and doesn't get what he wants, and what he liked most on earth. You see, great grandson, it is very simple.' ■7 " I said it seemed so. " ' But it works better than you would imagine,' continued my Ancestor. ' Now, take this fellow's case ' "As he spoke, we came upon an old man by the roadside. He was awfully thin, and was clad in the remnants of garments which I at once recognised as symbolic of the priestly calling. I turned to my Ancestor, and said surely this was a mistake ? This gentleman ought to have been in the other place ! But my Ancestor chuckled once more his unholy chuckle, and said it was all right.