Maud; a city autobiography

Chapter I

It w7as a gloomy afternoon, fast waning into Christmas Eve. My sister Cicely and I were retuming^from school, under the watchful eye of our nurse, Ruth. Hand-in-hand, according to Ruth's enforced system of little proprieties, we threaded the busy throng of Cheapside. The fog w7as increasing every moment, and with closed Ups and half-shut eyes, I hurried on; the picture of our comfortable dining room, with its subdued blaze of fire-light tantalizing my imagination, and making me Uttle tolerant of tlie rough thrusts I received on every hand. Men of business were press ing eagerly away from theh closed offices and ware-rooms, with a dogged, headlong energy, VOL. I. B MAUD Avhich admitted of no impediment to its speed, even in such an insignificant shape. But I, a chdd of the City, looked upon it as my thoroughfare too, and resented being tin courteously jostled aside as a thing that had no business there.

Looking up angrily to the stiff, grave faces that shifted past me, I op posed my httle front stubbornly to each suc ceeding shock, and straggled my Avay through a host of enemies as it seemed to me. It Avas in vain that Cicely tried to hnger at the tempt ing Avindow of a grocer's shop, where fruits and sweetmeats glittered in theh most begird ing array in the gas-light ; I dreAv her on, reckless of Ruth's adjuration, " Don't chive on so, Miss Maud ! I never saAv such a headlong chdd !" " Do come away, Cicely ! Do let us get out of this sickening Cheapside ! " " I shad stop and look at this tree," said Cicely, who had just as strong a Avdl as mine. " Oh ! Ruth, hoAv much does a Christmas Tree cost?" " Can't teU, I'm sure, my dear. There ! don't stop ! Hoav the people push, to be sure ! " But Ruth lingered as slic spoke, and MAUD thrust in her bonnet inquisitively under cover of shielding Cicely.

I could have enjoyed a Christinas Tree under some chcumstances, but not in a yeUoAV fog, amid a very unselect crowd ; my longing to be home rose to a perfect excitement at this increasing delay ; I loosened my hand from my sister's, and saying in a quiet decided Avay, which expressed nothing of what I was actuaUy suffering, " I shaU go alone, then," I darted forward under the arm of a stout gentleman in my way, who Avas casting complacent looks at some Erench plum boxes, and wlio clapped his hands suspiciously to his pocket, as I rubbed against him. To wait to cross w-as an impos sibility to my temper just then, even if to see a handsbreadth before me had been practicable ; so I flew over the road in desperation, Avith the horses' breath on my cheek, and the drivers' hadooed invectives in my ear ; down the opposite street, past the closing ware houses, without stopping for breath till I reached the black gates of our old court, and raised the grim, lion-headed knocker, with my lesson-book.

Nothing could well be more gloomy than b MAUD the exterior of our house ; forming two sides of the court, its front faced the street, and commanded the extensive prospect of a line ot tall houses a few yards removed, with a strip of sky above, only to be discerned from upper windows. There was a smad window, iron barred, on one side of the door, suggestive to me of dungeons and subterranean flights, upon Avhich I looked Avith satisfaction, as a great help to my fancy. " Any one might think it a dungeon," I said to myself; "no doubt it was once." Its present degradation into a cellar Avas a fact 1 ignored as far as possible. It suited me just theu espe ciaUy to look upon the house as a sort of prison altogether, and I Avas vexed that the gas-lights in the nitches of the stahcase shotdd throw a mocking brilliancy upon my gloomy7 mood.

I hurried up the wide Avell-staircase, rising in towering circles to the fourth story ; only pausing for a moment on the first floor to cast a look of mingled regret and indignation at the two closed doors on each side of the sturdy pillar. These led away into lofty rooms Avith carved ceilings aud decorated mouldings ; their desecration into Avare-rooms Avas a per- MAUD sonal injury I was not yet able to forgive. The second floor reached, I passed doAvn an arched passage into the breakfast parlour, the door of which stood open. It Avas a smad cosy room, one side of Avhich was paneded into a double row of closets, filled by my careful mother with various stores. The high seat beneath the large windoAV was noAV occupied by jars of dried fruits, mincemeat, &c. In the centre of the room stood my mother, clad in a AA'hite apron, Avith bared arms actually immersed in an immense pan before her.

I was at no loss to guess what mysteries were enacting under this lady's hand; a no less important affair than the concoction of our Christmas puddings ! far too weighty a business, in my mother's esteem, to be devolved upon her servants : besides, was she not unrivaded in such arts ? Did not Mr. Thornton, Avho else where never touched such insignificant dainties, condescend to my mother's puddings and pies ? The firelight dlumined my mother's comely figure and pleasant face, at this moment full of cheerful energy. Her nice brown ringlets, yet uninjured by time, were compressed by dint of combs into various smad round knobs, MAUD not at aU graceful to my eye, but convenient for her Avork, and therefore satisfactory to my mother. Yet, though the face was thus robbed of its greatest ornament, I could not but think that the bright glance of the hazel eyes, the pure healthy complexion, the animated com placency of the expression bore the test wed.

" She enjoys this sort of tiling," I thought ; " Iioav strange ! " I did not then understand my mother. Her early education in an active country home, combined with natural tenden cies, had given her an unusually healthy external development ; she had no sentimenta lities, no fancies, no thoughtful broodings or romantic longings ; she had never had time for them. She had lived all her life in the outAvard world, and she had little or no sympathy with that inner one in which the child now looking at her lived. Her present position, as the domestic head of a large esta blishment, suited her wed ; her energies found fud scope ; she was able to express her Avhole self satisfactorily in it. This accounts for her constant cheerfulness in the midst of her endless and often self-multiplied labours.

I stood looking at her, puzzled las I have said. My MAUD 7 mother was too busy to notice the little dark figure in the doorway. Her occupied atten tion required solicitation, and I was not accustomed to solicit. There were a great many people in the room, I thought, and how merry they ad were ! My two brothers, George and Frank, committing petty larceny upon the mince-meat, and three servants openly admiring my mother's production as she ladled it out into the white fluted moulds. Our Irish housemaid, Pat, as my father called her, was despatched into the warehouse for a supply of string. " And ye're just in time to have a stir for good luck, Miss Maud, dear," she exclaimed, discovering me as she passed. My mother looked up. Why did a shght shadow pass over her face as she caught sight of me ?

" AAdiere's Cicely, Maud ? AVhy are you standing there, child ? " " Here I am, Mamma," cried a gay voice, a little childish echo of her oavii ; and Cicely sprang past me, tossing off her bonnet, and seizing upon the ladle, she began to stir with heart and soul. " So here you are, Miss Maud ! Oh, you MAUD naughty, naughty chdd ! " said Ruth's reprov ing voice, as she came in looking flushed and hot, despite the cold. "What is the matter? what has Maud done?" asked my mother uneasdy. Ruth detailed my offence AAith embedishments de rived from her oaa'ii fears and sense of out raged responsibility. " It's a mercy she Avasn't trod to death by them horses, or run over by the busses ! " Avound up Ruth, drawing up her little why form with a solemn thankful air. " Maud," said my mother, bringing down her befloured hand with energy on the table, " what you will come to in the end, I know not !

You are so strange and seff-wdled that I never know what to expect next. AAiiat is the reason that you AviU not submit to Ruth, or any one, indeed ? " My mother was evidently labouring under a difficulty in Avhat exact form to class my misdemeanour. " I can't bear," — I began. " But you must bear," interrupted my mother. " You will have to bear something as long as you live. AVeU for you if you never have more to bear than you have now ! " My MAUD mother's emphatic speech perplexed me; I felt she was quite on the wrong track. "Yim don't understand," I began to ex plain. " It's the fog, and the croAvd, and the being pushed about in that odious Cheapside," " Maud," said my mother, " don't try to excuse yourself in that way ; it's too absurd ! A thing you have always been used to, that every one in London has to bear " " That just makes it worse," I interrupted.

" One could bear it now and then ; but ahvays, every day!" " You have a discontented unhappy tem per ! " was the emphatic reply. " You are repining against Providence, child ! " I looked up, my cheeks binned; but I could not find the words I wanted. I walked sdently into the dining-room, and shut the door. "Yes, I am unhappy," I said to myself, sitting doAAn on a cushion by the fire. "I wish I was not shut up in a city — I wish I could speak — I wish people could understand me!" I said this within myself, Avith my hands pressing back tears from my eyes. I MAUD heard Pat come up out of breath and laughing, with, " Please Misthress, Mr. Thornton's compliments, and ye're to be shure the pud ding-string doesn't break," an aUusion to a former catastrophe which made my mother laugh and forget me.

Then I heard Cicely display her prize, which was duly admhed ad round. " Well, and has Maud got one ? " was the next question, Avhich made my cheek gloAv painfuUy. '• Oh ! no, she didn't choose to learn her piece," was Cicely's answer. " But i" knew it, and won the prize, you see." " Not learn her piece ! " echoed my mother. I sat stdl, I cotdd have explained matters, but I did not care. I had just been misunder stood ; I should only be so again. I sat with my head in my hands, moodily regarding the room. It was long and wide, but not very lofty ; a spacious dining-table occupied its centre, and took up more room than I liked. An old black bookcase on my left ter minating at the top in two curious horns, a someAvhat antique couch just behind me in the shadow of the crimson curtains, a handsome piano which looked down upon its companions MAUD 11 with a superior modern ah, formed stationary occupants of the common sitting-room.

Just opposite me, over the sideboard, a mirror re flected the gloAAing fire, and my position beside it ; I thought the picture there much more charming than the original. There was an eagle on the top with gilt outstretched wings, as if meditating descent ; he had a companion on the cornice which ran above the windows ; I regarded them as the tutelary genii of the place. The wads were adorned with various pictures, for which my father had a fancy of accumulation : he was every now and then bringing up fresh purchases, which my mother received Avith more alarm than pleasure ; her ingenuity being taxed to find places for them. The only discoverable way was to displace the former possessors, who thus underwent a gradual degradation, by successive descents, through breakfast-parlour, nursery, bedroom, or final humdiation, the kitchen.

The reign ing favourites now were certain parliamentary and aristocratic portraits. Lord Brougham in robes of office, and a stately Marquis of West minster loftdy confronted me. Usually I looked upon them as usurpers in our civilian abode, MAUD and turned my glance more complacently toAvards a large portrait of a certain late digni tary of the firm, knoAvn as " the Alderman," who had been the founder of the establish ment, and in those palmier days of trade, had achieved a fortune in it, AAith a rapidity vainly emulated in our times. My father, the present head, was popularly deemed a rich man; whether he Avas so ready, I neither kneAV nor cared. My speculations did not run in that direction. I Avalked sloAvly up and doAvn the dusky room, recalling the scene in the schoolroom Avhich had filled me Avith so much disappointment.

I saAv again the cold glance of my governess, AA'hich never rested on me AAith favour, as she sternly refused to hear the piece to Avhich I had presumptuously asphed in contempt of my appointed task. She had no sympathy Avith my daring but laudable ambition ; to her I was a proud and self-Avilled chdd, aaIio had strangely presumed to step from the level prescribed to her. Such an act of rebellious self-judgment cotdd be only punished by a harshly enforced sdence. No matter that the effort had cost much labour, MAUD to disappoint Avas the only AA'ay to check such a spirit. So the chdd dreAv back from the surprised glances of the spectators, Avith a pale, quiet face that resisted theh inquiry, and an noyed because it perplexed the lady -judge aaIio had sentenced her. I could not make allowance for the antagonism between myself and my governess ; for her lack of sympathy Avhich prevented comprehension, and which was perpetuady assaded by the unattractive points of a character which irritated because it baffled deeper investigation.

No, I was but a child, imper fect by reasoning, but feeling with a depth increased by repression. The theme which my conscious sense of my own powers had selected, but Avhich my governess had refused to aUow me to recite, lay shut up and struggling in my heart. It must find voice. If they Avould not hear me, if they could not understand me, in my httle narroAV actual world, I would appeal from it to an imaginary one, which my vivid fancy would make real. It was an impulse too natural to me, too constantly indtdged to find execution difficult. To will was to be in this world of MAUD my imagination. Boys in pttbhc schools Avere honoured by worthy arbiters. I Avould have such. My wandering eyes fixed themselves on the features of the three portraits. The ruddy gleam of the fire fed upon them; to my excited fancy they became living indivi dualities.

The fine countenance of the Alder man looked down upon me Avith a benevolence tempered by sense, — " he wid be just and kind," I thought. It was ad I Avanted. The shreAvd judicial glance of the great Chancedor did not dismay me; I only Avished to be understood. Even the calm, impassive lofti ness of the erect aristocrat faded to arouse a loAver feeling than ambition of self-vindication. These should be my judges. I elected them on the spot. I stood before them in an angle that commanded the three, and Avhich alloAved the firelight to illumine theh coun tenances. With my eyes firmly fixed upon my judges, I commenced my subject — the Defence of Socrates— with an ardour born of my sympathy with the theme. I poured out my AA'hole soul in eager, rapid declamation. In my excited tones and vehement gestures, I MAUD 15 indemnified myself for my ordinary quietness.

AU that had been shut up within me for so many hours, now burst forth with exaggerated force : I revenged myself upon myself for aU that outward passivity that was such a satire upon my true nature. AATio, that kneAV me, Avould have recognised me at that moment ? Transformed, inspired, I was no longer myself. I forgot my own struggling individttaUty — my eager deshe of self-vindication — for I had, for a moment, achieved my object. My own excitement bestowed sympathy and apprecia tion upon my judges. They listened to me with calm, because close attention, and my ardent glance, even detected a gleam of earnest interest flash from beneath the mas sive brow of AVestminster, and twinkle in the keen eyes of Brougham. My imagination, ad dominant, had achieved its usual triumph over my chddish reason.

It gave me an ideal sympathy winch was enough for me in those minutes of excitement. I stood, with my face burning and my whole being throbbing AA'ith life. I was so far away from the real around me ; my eyes and ears were so dead to my actual position, MAUD that the sudden entrance of Pat, or, more properly, Ann, Avith the tea-urn, was lost to my perceptions. This vessel, accompanied by a dense volume of steam, was of a size commensurate AAith the family it supplied. Ann had a peculiar Avay of carrying it aloft, in a triumphal manner, which produced the effect of somewhat impeding her Aision ; and he room being dusky, as I have said, the consequences to me were, that I Avas first bathed in a sea of vapour, and next knocked doAvn by no slight shock ; from the third and most dangerous effect — a deluge of boding Avater — I was happily saved by a strong arm that caught me up almost before I was doAvn, and dragged me instantaneously out of the sphere of Ann's influence.

" Are you hurt, are you burnt, chdd ? " asked a rough voice. I shook off a drop or two from my arm, Avith a brief " No, thank you." I did not need to look up ; I knew the voice AveU. It was Mr. Thornton, my father's partner. Ann deposited her burden heavily on the table. " I hope you're not scalded, Miss Maud, dear; only to think of yer ahvays being in MAUD 17 the dark, and never speaking, hke a spirit, you naughty chdd ! " " Sphits speak very often, Ann," said I. " Look ! there's a river running over the carpet. Stop a minute, and that wid be a water-lily ; you'd see." " I shan't stop, I can tell you," said Ann, indignantly mopping it up. "I should hke to hear what misthress Avould say to your Avater-ldies, indeed ! AVhat are you doing here, I shotdd hke to know ? they've done tea long ago in the nursery, you strange chdd !"

I was slipping away past Mr. Thornton, who stood against the mantelpiece, when he stopped me by taking hold of my arms, and bending down his tad strong figure to look at me. " They're not burnt," I said, glancing at a slight red spot or two ; " it's nothing." But he was not looking at my arms. He put back my hah, and fixed his eyes stead fastly on mine, for a whole minute. The fire light was on my face, but his was in shadoAv ; it w7as a grave, somewhat stern one, which did not generally bestoAv a glance upon us children. Now I fancied I saw a smde about his thin lips. I grew hot. A sudden recolvol. i. c MAUD lection came ; perhaps he had overheard me. I had stood Avith my back to the door ; I had not seen him come in. I glanced up at him Avith an alarmed look. " You are a wonderfully good child to repeat your piece after the examination as Aved as before," he said.

" You don't want to let it slip out of your mind directly, hke other children ?" I felt reheved. He does not understand it, I thought. " No," I said, " I don't want to forget it." I dreAv aAvay my arms, and went up stairs. I Avas satisfied with my reserve ; but I was vexed that Mr. Thornton shotdd have heard me recite in that unrestrained way. It Avas very sdly, I thought, for after aU they did not really listen to me ; they were not real judges. Repentance generady came to me Avith the comiction of actuality ; but it never cured me of my favourite indulgence. On entering the nursery, I found it cleared of ad signs of tea ; Avhile George and Cicely, mounted on chairs, were hanging up boughs of body, assisted by Ruth and Susan. The latter, a pale, tall young wroman, Avith a superior air, turned MAUD. round to me, and, pointing to a mug on the hob, said, in her cool, decided Avay, " There's your tea, Maud ; another time it wid not be kept for you."

I had a strong sense of justice which prevented me from complaining, though I did not like warmed-up tea ; but I drank it without a word, feeling hot and thirsty. George Avas unusually uproarious ; freedom from lessons intoxicated him, for he suffered a general nightly imprisonment over them, under the firm sway of Susan, who was impenetrable to roars, and immoveable to entreaties. Shrinking from the noise, I soon deserted the nursery, aud stroded down the Avide, bright stahcase, peeping again into the dining-room to observe its aspect before entering. The tea was just removed, the lamp lit on the table, and my parents seated in the stdl gloAv of a great Yrule fire. My father was a north coun try man, and he loved a broad blaze. The red hght flickered on his ample forehead, and danced in his blue eyes.

His hair "was aheady thickly streaked with sdver, but he was yet in the prime of health and strength. In his taU stature, broad form, and ruddy com plexion, he bore traces of the free untrammeled c2 MAUD Use of his youth ; it had its counterpart, also, in the open English hospitality of his dispo sition. He appeared to me often, in his most genial moods, a fit type of his favourite song, the " Old English Gentleman." His favourite tastes rose out of his early associations ; he was fond of shooting, horse-riding, and manly sports ; he Avould stride for mdes in the free country air, glorying in outwalking every companion. Yet he was content to indtdge in these pleasures merely as recreations ; he was thoroughly a man of business. He had come, a raAv youth, from his north country home, and had cheerfully put on the fetters of a London life ; by his own energy and industry he had attained his present position ; and he, like my mother, seemed to find in it sufficient scope for his activities.

Like her, too, he Avas one of those universally popular characters who win their Avay everywhere. UsuaUy fuU of life and vivacity, his broad, free humour, though often running at random, won him the irresistible liking of his friends. Under neath, hoAvever, there flowed a ctnrent of reserve AA'hich made him, at other times, silent and moody — a change which puzzled me. MAUD. Perhaps I thought about it then, as I sat down on my cushion, and looked at him. A bland Christmas spirit sat noAV enthroned on his broad brow, and a smile hovered furtively on his lips, as he contemplated the ddemma in which he had just placed my mother. They were playing at a game properly designated " German Tactics," but which we caUed " Offi cers and Men." My mother's two little blue commanders were almost environed in theh OAvn garrison by my father's democratic mass of red coats.

I glanced up at my mother, who looked little affected by her desperate position. Her busy labours now suspended for a Avhde, she sat composedly enjoying the present moment, with an ah of easy dignity that well became her. I looked at her cheerful face, now adorned with her luxuriant brown hah, and decided that she must once have been pretty. Opposite me, in the other fireside corner, sat Mr. Thornton, quiet and grave as usual. Being a bachelor, with no home-ties, he al most Uved with us. It Avas a rare thing to see his corner empty; indeed, as I never stayed up so late as to see hhn depart, I MAUD considered him quite a fixture. I fiad never noticed him much, for he seldom talked to us, as I have said, and I avoided looking at him noAV. I thought his square, colourless face, and straight, ill-arranged hair, very uninterest ing.

I had no idea of his age ; but I considered him long past out of the pale of my sympathies. I shrank from him especiady now, and blushed as I recaded the detection of the afternoon. At this moment my mother clapped her hands joyfully; she had Avon the game — a triumph seldom on her side. " I thought I must give her a Uttle encou ragement," said my father confidentially to Mr. Thornton, who looked rather sceptical. My father's merry eye fell upon me. " Maud, Avhy are you sitting niojdng there, instead of being at play A\ith the others ? You remind me of ' Like to an owl in ivy-bush, — That rueful thing am I.5 " My mother looked round, AAith sudden recollection. " AVhat is this about your prize, Maud? and not learning the piece ? " MAUD 23 " It was a poor, miserable thing for me to learn," I ansAvered.

" A page or tAvo of MagnaU's Questions ! to suit Cicely, who has just been put into my class." " Don't be jealous, Maud," said my father. " AVTiy should you grumble at Cicely's getting up to you ? " " Because she's not up to me ready, and I am kept back tid she gets up, which is not just. Cicely is a favourite ! " " And that you'll never be with such jealous mean feelings," said my father, angrily. " Why did you refuse your piece ? " asked my mother, more gently. " How cotdd you expect a prize? " " I don't care for the prize," I interrupted, quickly. " I did not Uke that piece, I despised it. I thought I could learn what was given to the first class, 'Tfie Defence of Socrates;' aud I did ! " It cost me something ; but I knew it ; and then — after ad, I Avas not aUowed to say it ! " " Only to be expected, Maud.

You cotdd not be allowed to choose for yourself in that way," said my mother. " Little ambitious spirit ! " said Mr. Thorn- MAUD ton. " Do you not see that your conduct was an implied reproach to your governess? it said : ' Yrou have underrated my abilities ; I whi show you your mistake.' ' " I did not think of that," I answered " But then ought she not to have been glad that I could do so much more than she thought ? " Mr. Thornton shook his head. " People wid not thank you for making them see a deficiency in their OAAm judgment." " You think you know better than every one, Maud," said my father, settling the matter. " You have throAvn away your prize : don't grumble." I Avas soon sdenced. But my cheeks burned and my fingers trembled, as I sat there quiet and stid, hiding in my heart a host of thoughts and emotions AA'hich I had not been alloAved to express.

I Avas disappointed, Avounded. The feelings of the morning, banished by my imagination, returned. No one said, " AA'ell, it was hard for you, Maud, I confess ; I can enter into your feelings." One such httle word of sympathy Avould have relieved me; woidd have saved me from bitter and resentful MAUD purposes, which throbbed in my heart, and locked my lips. " I wdl be sdent ! I will be sdent ! No one understands me ; I AviU not speak to be misunderstood." It Avas a chdd's resolve. But made every day, and riveted by an un-childlike force of wid, it could not fad of gradual fulfilment. As I sat thus pondering, as a child shotdd not ponder, George appeared at the door, and making me a significant fiUip with his finger, ran away. I rose slowly. AAiiat were snap dragons to me just then ! But I was glad to escape from my present position, and I followed him, catching Mr. Thornton's eye as I passed fixed scrutinishigly on me.

" AVhy does he look at me ?" I said to myself. " He shall know nothing about me. No one shad." I went into the nursery a little misanthrope. On entering, I found it freshly adorned with the boughs of holly and a graceful centre pendent of mistletoe. It was only illumined by the ruddy light of the gloAving fire. I Avas in the midst of a merry scene of children, servants, and youths from the warehouse. Cicely, her eyes bright Avith animation, her chestnut curls floating loosely on her neck, MAUD danced on the very verge of the charmed mistletoe circle, darting back Avith a shriek of feigned terror AA'hen a youth, more daring than the rest, attempted to secure the Christ mas kiss. I was not at aU apprehensive of such an attack ; no one ever cared to struggle for the like favours from me ; and I was very quiescently admiring the picturesque aspect of the room, when a certain white-faced clerk, with hght, lanky hah, who was my special abhorrence, unexpectedly seized upon me, and dragged me under the mistletoe.