I and my two Maiden Aunts, by Toby Longpole

Front matter

PRICE ONE SHILLING: I, AND MY TWO MAIDEN AUNTS, BY TOBY LONGPOLE. (Published for the Author.) LONDON : WILLIAM FREEMAN, 102, FLEET STREET. 1870. BY TOBY LONGPOLE. (Published for the Author.) LONDON : WILLIAM FREEMAN, 102, FLEET STREET. 1870. r.v TOBY LONGPOLE. Six Sketches, 1st. Skktcu - - MY AUNTS AT HOME. 2nd. Do. - - MY AUNTS AT TEA. 3rd. Do. - - I ESCORT AUNT DOLLY TO THE THEATRE. 4th. Do. - A "BAND OP HOPE" TEA MEETING AND LECTURE, IN TWO PARTS: 1st Part. - The Tra Meeting. 2nd Do. - The Lecture 5th. Do. - AUNT MARIA'S MISSION. 6tb. Do. MR. & MRS. CANTWELL c#trLst £ftet,h. MY AUNTS AT HOME. It is of the very weakest of that weak, though, not always gentle sex, commonly called woman, that I am about to write. It is of that portion of "poor humanity," that is said by some to possess " a tile loose," and, by others, to be "minus a button."

I mean those much, and often, undeservedly abused, "Old maids;" and leaving both the tile and the button (things, by the way, the meaning of which I do not fully understand) out of the question, I must confess that the members of this species of the weaker sex are seldom, if ever, quite right, in what is sometimes aptly termed their upper story. I, like (I have no doubt) most of my readers, enjoyed, once upon a time, all those recreations that are only to be found in the presence of elderly single ladies, who are known as much for their peculiarities in every day life, as they are for their peculiar tempers, more changeable than the weather. The Misses Longpole, was the name by which my two maiden aunts were known to the world at large.

The elder of the two, my Aunt Maria, was very tall, and would decidedly have been majestic, had she not unfortunately been very thin ; was of a yellowish complexion, while marks, as of deep care, were engraved upon her countenance ; her hair, which was known not so much for quantity as for quality, was, I believe (to use a vulgar phrase), as '•' black as jet," but that, unfortunately, was completely hidden from the vulgar gaze of common humanity by a wig, which, so far as I could judge, was of nearly the same colour ; her nose was a mixture of the Roman, pug, and, what is frequently termed, turn-up ; her eyes (which were scarcely visible without the aid of a magnifying glass) were of a dark brown colour; while her mouth and ears were rather larger than those of the ordinary size, the former serving wonderfully well (especially when my aunt condescended to smile) to show off, to the very best advantage, her fine rows of teeth, all of whicli (at least, so Aunt Dolly always affirmed) had been formed, not by nature, but by man, on whom, I must say, they reflected great credit.

Part I. The

"TEA MEETING." It was to counteract, I have no doubt, the evil effects that (in the opinion of my elder aunt) might have arisen from my visit to the abode of His Serene Highness, commonly known as "Old Nick," that I was taken by her to a "Band of Hope" tea meeting and lecture, which was to be held in the school-room of Mulberry Chapel, of which my aunt, by her own account, was a prominent and very useful member, and over which fraternity the Rev. Jeremiah Knowal presided as the " Good Shepherd." It was to be a very grand affair, and " one," so said my aunt, " of which any teetotaller might justly feel proud," consisting of a tea — either meeting or fight (I, for one, not being sure which, as my aunts differed upon this subject), and which was to be followed by a grand lecture (the Rev. Mr. Knowal himself presiding), to be delivered by Joseph Smythe, Esq., that truly great and popular champion of the Band of Hope, who, by the way, I very soon discovered to be rather awkward about his "r's," one having indeed great difficulty' to distinguish them from his " w's ;" but that was of no consequence, — at least, so my aunt said.

The subject of his discourse was to be a mixture — indeed a very strange mixture — consisting of a dissertation upon the advantages to be found in a total abstinence from all intoxicating liquors, illustrated by notes from the life of the great Buffin, a man, whose memory (according to Mr. Smythe) ought to be dear to the heart of every true English teetotaller. His discourse was to be further enlivened bymagnificent dissolving views, interspersed with vocal and instrumental music, and the whole for (would you believe it ?) the paltry sum of " one shilling !" while children under twelve were admitted for " half-price !" Why, I, of course, cannot say. Aunt Maria, who had given me particular instructions to appear in my very best, was on this occasion dressed (in her opinion, at least) very smart.

She wore a silk black gown — the gloss of which was certainly a thing of the past, though, of course, my aunt was not supposed to know that, and which had passed through several volumes of the Paris " fashion book," for it had been unpicked, and then done up again, to suit, if possible, each successive roll of the behind wheel of that rapidly running chariot, "fashion.'' On this occasion, my aunt's dress was not long, and, of course, she was truly sorry for it ; but, certainly, what was wanting in the length, was to be found in the width. The truth was, my aunt bad on for the first time that muchabused article of dress known as " the crinoline," and which (for it was home-made), notwithstanding all her endeavours to the contrary, would jut out in themost unpleasant ways. My aunt's shawl was animitation of a Paisley, though, certainly not a very good one ; while her bonnet, a new one, and not an old one, re-cleaned (which I have been led to believe most of my aunt's new bonnets were), was the crowning point of all.

Describe it? — I cannot — could anyone, let me ask, describe a lady's bonnet ? I think not ; so it must suffice when 1 say that it threw everything else that she wore quite into the shade ; that it was not unlike some wedding dresses that my aunt happened to be making about this time ; but, of course, it was only one of those strange resemblances that we find so often take place, and which are really very provoking. The room in which this grand affair took place was large, and nearly square ; while its only ventilation was from two or three very small windows at the top of the left side, which, in my opinion, only wanted iron bars to make one believe that they had formerly belonged to some long-since defunct country gaol, and had been bought in one lot, "very cheap." The monotony of the white-washed walls, was usually only varied at one end by a small platform and a door that communicated with the vestry ; at the other end by a clock, which I soon discovered had the marvellous power of shewing the correct time "twice," and only "twice" in the course of one day ; while underneath, which was a small stone slab, by which the general public were informed, that the foundation-stone of this very handsome building, had been laid by Horatius Cantwell, Esq., June — , 18 — .

From the stone slab at one end, to the platform at the other, there were on this occasion, a series of benches, similar in external appearance to those we find in a carpenter's workshop, each of which had been surmounted by a white cloth, and literally covered with cups and saucers, plates of stale tread, with but little butter, plum and seed cake ; while along each side of these benches were placed forms, and at each end a cane-bottom chair, which (according to Aunt Maria) was the seat of honour. The room, so my aunt said, was specially decorated. Wire baskets, filled with paper flowers, were suspended from the ceiling ; the gas pipes were literally covered with paper of all colours, cut out in every imaginable shape, while the wall itself was almost concealed from our vulgar gaze by banners of the most brilliant colours, with such inscriptions as — " God bless our Band of Hope ;" " Beautiful spring water for me," — the latter, I should say, being especially applicable to the cholera season ; " Throw down the bottle, and never drink again," &c, &c. These were varied here and there, by what, I suppose, were meant for pictures (horribly drawn, and painted, if possible, still worse), representing the history of the different parts of a poor man's Christmas pudding, which, if I mistake not, was obtained one certain Christmas day by the publican, who (being I suppose, a generous man) divided it amongst the brewer, distiller, and himself, — the distiller, of course, having the largest share.

All I can say respecting this, is the fact, that one and all of them must have been " hard up " for a piece of plum pudding ; and all that I can hope is, that it was not only a rich, but also a large one, and that they were not blessed with large families, else — poor things ! — how sadly they must have fared. The platform, with its arm-chair, &c, was gorgeously decorated with flowers, while even the poor clock was not forgotten ; on the contrary, it was surrounded by a red paper star, and that was surmounted by these words, formed with white paper roses, on a yellow ground, " God biess our Pastor," being a just tribute to the merits of the Rev. Jeremiah Knowal. We were the first to arrive there, and by the way, nearly the last to leave, with the exception of a little old woman, who seemed to know everything and everybody, who guarded the door, took our tickets — indeed, to speak in plain English, she (according to my aunt) did all the dirty work.

My aunt who had walked there rather sharply, — indeed, too much so to be pleasant, — no sooner entered this place than she, having first delivered up our tickets to the before-mentioned old lady, altered it to a dance as she proceeded round the room, followed at a respectable distance by my very humble self. Three times she thus proceeded round the room, carefully scrutinizing each table, followed by myself, without being able to seat herself to her satisfaction ; and had at last positively to apply to the strange old lady, who at once set herself to work, and soon found for my aunt her seat, or rather, as she termed it, her table. My aunt didn't like it at all. " It was too near, much too near the door," to which the old lady replied that, " if my aunt didn't like it, she was sorry to say so, but my aunt must leave it, as she certainly could have no other."

" I shall catch cold, I know I shall ;" then, as though a sudden thought had struck her, my aunt suddenly paused, felt hurriedly in her pockets exclaimed, "It cannot be ! It cannot be !" felt again, and, then with <reat agitation, shrieked, " I cannot, cannot surely have lost them." f What ! Lost anything, Miss Longpole ? " enquired the strange old lady, whose curiosity (woman's greatest and not unfrequently best feature) was already aroused. " I hope, Miss, that it's not of any importance," continued she. " What's the matter, auntie ? " shouted I, at the same time feeling, and I have no doubt looking, as though I had just been thunderstruck. " My spoons ! my spoons," shrieked my aunt, rising and shaking herself. "Your spoons, Miss Longpole," began the old lady ; but here she was interrupted by my aunt, who again shrieked, " My spoons ! my spoons," this time adding, "My silver spoons!" and then turning to me, she exclaimed, " Have you seen them, Toby ?

Have you seen them ? oh, dear ! oh, dear ! Have you got them ? " Of course, I assured her that I had not ; but of course she was not satisfied ; and the consequence was that I had to turn out all my pockets, to my great discomfort, and she having again rifled her own, without any good arising therefrom, was at length convinced that the silver spoons were not to be found ; and then in her agony shrieked, " I have been robbed ! I have been robbed ! " Then addressing herself to the strange old lady continued, ' You must excuse me, Mrs. Ryle, you really must, for it is so very provoking that one cannot carry a few spoons about without being robbed of them — a few paltry spoons — it is hard indeed." The old lady grunted, looking at my aunt as though she half thought that Miss Maria Longpole didn't know what a silver spoon was ; said with a smile, that "it was provoking," left us, and proceeded to the door.

Now the truth respecting the loss of those spoons, which, by the bye, I afterwards learnt, upon making inquiries of my Aunt Dolly, was this: Aunt Maria was anxious to take, as most ladies are in the same case, their six silver spoons (which, judging from their appearance, were about as old as Methuselah must have been when he quitted this world) to the teameeting with her, as it was the first time that she had ever accepted the honour of being allowed to sit on the cane-bottomed chair at one end of the table; and for which honour she had to pay the sum of "seven shillings and sixpence," besides the admittance fee. Now Aunt Dolly declared that "it was a swindle," and to use her own words, "she wouldn't trust her spoons" (ignoring Aunt Maria's share in the matter entirely) "to the tender mercies of such folk as went to such places ;" indeed, she thought it much better to deposit them with her uncle (related by the way to us all) for a few days ; taking, of course, good care to hide the ticket, which she kept in her purse.

Aunt Maria searched for them from the top of the house to the bottom, stamped, raved, but all to no purpose, for do what she would she could'nt find the spoons ; so that the consequence was that she had to go, much against her inclination, to the tea meeting without them; and that, too, was why my aunt was robbed of what was being carefully guarded by her sister and uncle. The room soon began to fill, the audience consisting for the greater part of children. My aunt's table was almost entirely occupied with these little "half price" folk; and would have been quiet, had she not positively refused to allow anyone, no matter however much they may have desired it, to take possession of the end seat, which she reserved with great care, and which was large enough to accommodate, at the least, two children.

The reason for this was at length apparent, in the appearance of a rather stoutish lady with a very red face, which she with great wisdom partly concealed with a veil; and who was still further adorned, as I afterwards discovered, when she took off her gloves, with a pair of large, coarse, red hands. She wore the widow's weeds, signifying (so I am told) " to let; " and was dressed in deep, but certainly very dusty mourning. This lady had no sooner approached my aunt, than raising her veil, she smiling, exclaimed, "dear Maria!" And my aunt said in sweet tones, "dear Julie; " and then having kissed one another, the strange lady took formal possession of the end seat, which my aunt had reserved with such great care ; and although, as I before stated, there was ample room to accommodate at least two children, she certainly did not seem to be in the most comfortable position that she could have wished for.

My aunt and dear Julie began, of course, at once to talk rather loudly of the lost spoons, of the Reverend Jeremiah Knowal, and even of the fashion, until my aunt at length remarked something to me ; and then dear Julie smiling, requested to know " who I was ? " and the consequence was, that in much less time than it takes to relate, dear Julie learnt that my name was Tobias Longpole, and that I was the only nephew and god-child of Miss Maria Longpole ; whilst I almost as soon discovered, that she was not simply Julie, but Mrs. Juliana Peverton, the relict of the late and dearly beloved George Peverton, Esq., — and as I afterw-ards discovered, though not with the assistance of my aunt, — Pork-butcher in the neighbourhood. Dear Julie said, " She could see at once that I was a Longpole by my likeness to my aunt;" which, to me at least, was a rather unpleasant compliment.

She then asked " as to whether I was a good boy," and as my aunt said " Very good," she, quite contented, resumed her con versation with that personage ; this time a discussion as to the merits of their own and other people's bonnets, and which, I firmly believe, would have lasted for ever, had they not at length been interrupted by an old gentleman, who had in his hands two china teapots filled with tea, one of which he placed before my aunt, and the other, I believe, left at the next table. Dear Julie no sooner saw this, than sbe smiled ; looked at my aunt, turned pale ; looked at the ceiling, and semeed pleased ; looked at me, and was decidedly uncomfortable ; then, drawing her head as close to my aunt's as she possibly could, said in a low tremulous tone, and with great hesitation, which in consequence of the great noise from all sides, was scarcely audible even to me.

" Oh, Maria, dear ! you can have" (a pause) "no idea" (another pause) " how thirsty I am — would you mind, ducky ? " " Oh, Julie ! My dear Julie ! " exclaimed my aunt in a reproving tone, loud enough for anyone within calling distance to hear, and seizing hold at the same time of the handle of the teapot—" You wouldn't, couldn't surely drink a drop of tea before the grace has been said ! Why, my dear, it would choke you !" and my aunt, although she was neither in the habit of saying her grace at home before tea, nor being choked, yet managed to look horrified at the very idea of such a thing. " Oh, of course ! of course ! it would choke me ; but not you, dear. Oh, no ; of course not ! you— you — you are such a saint when you don't happen to be at home ! " retorted dear Julie. My aunt became excited, and angrily told dear Julie that "she ought to be ashamed of herself; " but further unpleasantness, however, was fortunately prevented by a gentleman stepping on to the platform, and, who, after demanding silence (which was rather difficult to obtain), gave out, in mournful tones, the grace.

As this was the Reverend Jeremiah Knowal himself, some description of his person and appearance is, 1 am quite sure, necessary. He was short in stature, but, I must confess, made up for that deficiency in stoutness. He was dressed in an old-fashioned dress coat, rather short about the tail ; a waistcoat made (from what I could judge) of a kind of merino, which certainly did not button in front, and in which his tailor had evidently left ample room for growing ; while his trousers, on the contrary, were much too small for him, from which, I fancied, that they had originally been intended for a brother with still shorter legs. His complexion was dark, his features were large and irregular; his nose being a fat pug, his eyes small, his mouth large and thick set, while his ears, though not large, were particularly prominent; his hair, of which he had a great quantity, and which, unlike most geniuses, he never allowed to grow long, was nearly grey, and his whole appearance —well, it was far from that of a gentleman.

He was a bachelor, and his age, I should say, was nigh upon forty. This, then, was the gentleman upon whom every eye for the moment was fixed, and who had no sooner finished the grace, than everyone, without, I should say an exception, showed their appreciation for it by again resuming their talkative propensities, reminding one very forcibly of what the confusion of tongues at the Tower of Babel must have been. The scene that followed baffles all description — everyone talked and eat. Plate after plate of bread and butter disappeared ; plum and seed cakes were demolished ; while the tea-pots had constantly to be replenished ; nor were Aunt Maria and her dear Julie, — although they but a -few seconds before had used hard names to one another — behind the others in proving their powers in talking and eating; for although my aunt had to pour out the tea, and dear Julie to drink it, they yet managed to converse much louder, and quite as long, as anyone else, upon the fashions, the lost spoons, the quality of the tea, the Reverend Mr. Knowal, Mrs. So and So's new bonnet, &c, &c. My aunt and dear Julie thus continued to amuse themselves, until at length, just as my aunt was about to begin her fifth cup of that most delightful beverage, known as tea, she was interrupted by a very bass voice, who exclaimed loudly, " How are you this evening, Miss Longpole ?

Are you making a comfortable tea ? " and on turning round, I beheld that it was no other than the great Knowal himself. " Oh, thank you, my dear Mr. Knowal, I have had a delightful repast," said my aunt, smiling affably, as soon as her feelings would permit. Of course, both I and dear Julie were at once introduced to this most delightful specimen of the "modern shepherd," and, of course, he anxiously asked whether " I was a good boy *"*" and, of course, my aunt said, " very good," and, of course, he could see at once that I was a Longpole, every inch of me, by my likeness to my aunt; and then he, to my great surprise wanted to know the sect to which dear Julie belonged, to which my, aunt replied in a whisper, and with great hesitation, " Wesleyan."

Now, the Rev. Jeremiah Knowal naturally thought his own church and sect better than any other; very naturally too, he supposed that those who belonged to any other, whether it was high, low, broad, or any other church, were travelling by one ofthe very shortest routes, to that very uncomfortable spot, known as perdition; so that when the reverend gentleman heard that Dear Julie, was a Wesleyan, he turned up his nose in a very expressive manner, and said not another word to her, but, directing his conversation solely to my aunt, managed, whilst he swallowed the tea, that she, with great consideration, had poured out before him, to give his ideas of the wickedness of the world, and of Wesleyans in particular, and the consequence was, that he had no sooner left us, than dear Julie retaliated, by exclaiming rather loudly, that he " was no gentleman," and who, after a rather long, though, certainly, very brilliant harangue, wound up, by declaring that " she for one was quite sure that such a man was not leading his flock to the green pastures, and still waters, but to the place where" as she said, " no one wished to go."

" Do you mean to insinuate that I ?" "No! oh no! no, my dear Maria, no! I am quite sure that you, dear, are travelling by the right road," said dear Julie, interrupting my aunt, and who continued with a smile, "No one, indeed, could possibly be so foolish, as to suppose that you, my dear, were going to the wrong place." " But we are all sinful," said my aunt, with very becoming modesty, and withal, great feeling. "Yes, true," said dear Julie, "but you are so good, so noble, so kind, so gentle, so " "Yes, so I am, at least, I hope so, Julie," and as my aunt uttered these words, she heaved a deep sigh, became cheerful, and then kissed dear Julie, whilst a tear trickled down her cheek, the left one, I think, but I cannot be positive of that. Aunt Maria, and dear Julie now changed the subject of their con versation, and were soon busily engaged in recounting the faults of every one that they happened to know, and continued to do so until the Rev. Mr. Knowal requested the audience, who were still busily engaged, drinking, eating, and talking, indeed, they seemed as though they would never cry quantam sufficit, to remove for a short time into the chapel, whilst the room was being re-arranged for the lecture, and which, after great difficulty, caused by the smallness of the vestry doors, we managed to do.

Part II. The Lecture

It was not long before we were again summoned into the school-room, and after great pushing, treading upon other people's toes, dec., we that is Aunt Maria, dear Julie, and my humble self, managed to seat ourselves near the middle of the room, which was soon filled to over-flowin": indeed to use a favourite theatrical phrase, it was a " crowded house." Some slight alterations had of course been made during the interregnum; for the whole of the benches as I, or tables, as my aunt termed them, with their load of crockery, &c, had disappeared; while the platform, with its arm-chair and extensive decorations, was now entirely concealed from our vulgar gaze, by a large white sheet which had been well-damped, and not far from which was an apparatus, known only to me at that time as a " magical lantern."

The noise, as usual, was head-rending ; and, if any one did happen to go in with a sound head, they certainly never managed to quit with one. It was in the very midst of this uproar, that the Rev. Jeremiah Knowal mounted upon one of the forms, and evidently tried to speak, but nothing was to be seen or heard, with the exception of the motion of his lips, and the confab of children's voices from all sides. At length, after attempting several times to make himself understood, ably assisted by my aunt, with her "sh's," without success, he descended from the form, and his place was at once taken by a tall, slender man, with a great quantity of curly, fiery red, or, as my aunt termed it, "sweet auburn hair," who shrieked, "silence, silence," stamped his feet, and continued his chrieks, until he had obtained it, He then begged to inform the audience, that if they were not instantly quiet, it would be both morally and physically impossible for Mr. Smythe to deliver his lecture; and then exhorted the children — whom he termed the members ofthe quietest and best behaved Band of Hope in the world — to be silent, whilst their dearly beloved pastor, who had so kindly consented to preside, spoke a few words of comfort and encourage ment to them, and which would immediately be followed by the great Mr. Smythe and his very popular lecture, " Buffin and the Band of Hope," and, " I can assure you," said he, in conclusion, " that his dissolving views are a treat in store for you, they are beautiful, truly magnificent."

You might certainly have heard a pin drop, if such a misfortune had happened, when this gentleman vacated his place, in favour of the Rev. Jeremiah Knowal, who again made his appearance. The Rev. Mr. Knowal smiled sweetly, looked, with the assistance of his eye-glass, at everything and at everybody, stretched forth his arms to their fullest extent, and then, as he viewed, with great contemplation, his ten fingers, said: "Dear Christian friends" (pause): "I, for want of a better substitute," (cries of 'no, no") "am to take the chair to night, but (laughing) I cannot see it" (this, as Mr. Knowal's arm-chair happened to be concealed by the sheet, was considered as very witty by the audience, and was in conse quence received with "cheers," and loud peals of laughter). "No! I cannot see the chair, so I suppose that having no chair wherewith to rest my weary limbs, why, I suppose that I must stand!

Yes, stand" (here the Rev. Mr. Knowal paused, smiled, and then uttered slowly, and with particular emphasis, the following words), "and grow tall" (at this, there was a perfect volley of applause, indeed, everyone seemed pleased). "Nice man, clever man," said Aunt Maria, looking very pleased, to which dear Julie replied, with an expressive turn of the nose, " Stupid ass !" " Yes," continued the Rev. Mr. Knowal, " I must stand and grow tall" (more cheers and laughter) ; " but it is not of that alone that I would feign speak to you. No! my dear young friends! my dear old friends! brethren, in this our noble Band of Hope! It is of that, and that alone, that has brought me here to-night" (loud and prolonged applause). "It is to warn you of a curse;" (cheers) "yes! my dear brethren, a terrible curse," (cheers) "an awful curse" (loud cheers), " a curse so great, that thousands upon thousands of our fathers!"