Grumbleby Hall, or Whose Boy?

Preface

. Whilst wading through the following pages, it may add somewhat to the reader's interest to know that the work is not one of mere fiction, but that almost every incident is identified with the personal experience of the author, and that, although written in novel style, extravagant as some of the scenes may appear, the story in the main is a relation of facts. CONTENTS OF VOLUME I.

Chapter I. Three Prime Factors Introduced, Of Whom More Hereafter

ONE morning in the summer of 1825, the clock of St. Clement's Danes in the Strand, London, dolefully jerked out the notes of the old psalm tune it had been clanging forth, for the edification of the dwellers in the streets, lanes, and inns around, every morning, noon, and night, time out of mind. In days of yore it had chimed to better purpose ; for then the sonorous sounds, as they vibrated from the old belfry, had aided the devotional spirit of the faithful few who dwelt in the sur rounding sparsely-inhabited fields and lanes, or along the river bank, and who, as the dying tones caught their distant ear, reverently raised their hearts to Heaven in solemn worship.

Often, as the villagers, or youths and maidens from the city, congregated at the church door on summer Sabbaths, some ancient dame would tell how, long centuries ago, before any religious edifice was erected there, Alfred, the great Saxon king, had permitted a remnant of conquered Danes to live and die on that spot (whence the latter portion of the church's designation), and how those bells seemed, even then, distant as was the date, to toll a requiem for their pagan souls ; and as the eager listeners still lingered round the oral book, she would tell how, in later days, before Harry the Bluff destroyed its prestige, the place had become renowned far and near for its ' fair fountain,' dedicated to St. Clement, whose martyrdom was commemorated I. A GR UMBLEB i ' HA LL. 2 by an anchor, that, with a remnant of godly awe, she pointed out as still existing ; though wherefore that symbol the aged chronicler could not explain, unless on the hypothesis that, whilst drinking at the healing fount, the patient was significantly pointed to the water of life, of which ' whosoever drinks shah never thirst again ; ' and in the assured hope thereof, which hope the anchor symbolized, quaffed the water of the venerated well, even though it did not formerly, as then, repose under the shade of the sacred edifice.

But time wore away, as did the bibulous devotees, and gave place to a more irreverent age ; and as field after field dis appeared, and the place became thickly populated, there arose a generation too heretical and too sceptical of saintly drinks, to care to refresh their souls at the sacred fount, or even to quencli their thirst thereat, at least with the same purport as did their pious forefathers ; and who, from entertaining doubts of its sanctity, soon became equally dubious of the healing properties of the spring itself. And thus, proceeding from bad to worse, a still more degenerate race succeeded, whose ungodly preference for waters of a more spiritual potency was, of course, a very natural result of so wanton an abandonment by their predecessors of the purer waters of the holy well.

So the once sacred fount, gradually shorn of its attractions, descended into meaner use, supplying the neighbourhood for purposes in which its virtues were much more apparent, until it eventually fell into discredit and neglect, and finally disappeared, — as some say, built over by the Old Dog tavern, or, as affirmed by others, its site marked by the pump removed a few years since, bequeathing only its name, in memoriam, to the adjoining lane, thence called Holy well Street. But though the bells appeared to have lost their ancient vocation, the pious old clock seemed to have interposed, and taken to itself the special duty of presenting, by proxy, the daily praises of the motley surroundings, as well as affording the same benefit to the full tide of humanity ebbing and flowing below, thereby relieving both of any presumed necessity for celestial contemplation; and thus leaving them free to meditate on schemes of greed and gain, or in the undisturbed pursuit of pleasure, ambition, or crime, according to their several bent ■ and who, if thoughts any higher ever occurred to them, were, with rare exceptions, content to leave the expression thereof to the old clock tower.

Just as the first note of the aforesaid psalm tune had struck, a country-looking personage was essaying to cross the top of Essex Street. He was habited in a large, loose, blue tailed coat, with brass buttons and velvet collar ; a broad-brimmed, low crowned hat rested on the back of his head, and a stout pair of yellow-topped boots reached within an inch of a pair of drab corduroy breeches, the interval exhibiting ribbed grey worsted stockings. Although only of medium height, he was in other respects of rather massive proportions, being about the comple ment of two ordinary men rolled into one.

His effort at crossing the street had not been a complete success, as he narrowly escaped being knocked down by a cab, that at the same instant was turning into it from the Strand, the driver whereof only pulled up long enough to relieve himself of an oath, and, with raised whip in a threatening attitude, to demand ' if he knew where he was driving to,' but, without awaiting a reply, drove on towards the hackney coach office at the foot of the street, probably called there to answer some inquiries relative to his own defective knowledge and conduct. ' Drat the fellow ! ' said the country-looking person, as soon as he had sufficiently recovered from his fright, by no means diminished by half-a-dozen shouts to ' look out ' when the danger was past, and which had brought him back to the side-walk. ' Drat the fellow ! what's he mean? ' saying which he stood and looked very defiantly after the receding cab, a proceeding that appeared to somewhat relieve him, and during which his nerves became further composed by the soothing chimes issuing from the aforesaid church tower, the last notes of which were falling on his ear, when, suddenly recalled to a recollection of the business on which he was engaged, he exclaimed, ' Bless me, it can't be that late ; ' and then, half doubtful that it could be, he turned his face mechanically upwards in the direction of the tower, without, however, attaining a sufficient altitude to observe the dial of the clock, and, tugging at a thick steel chain, at the end of which were suspended two heavy seals and a key, he drew from his fob, as the repository for watches was then called, an article that in these days would have served for a small-sized kitchen clock, and, having applied it to his ear to make sure it had not stopped, sprang open the case, and, after a cursory glance, returned it to the depths whence it had been drawn, not without some little exertion, the voluminous drab-coloured waist coat requiring to be pulled up at least a foot before the capacious opening of its depository could be reached, quite forgetful, how ever, in his disturbed state of mind, that he had not regulated the clock by his own timepiece.

As he resumed his progress, which this little disputation had retarded, he exclaimed, half audibly and in a positive tone, 'It can't be so late ; ' thereby evincing that the additional testimony of his own watch had sailed to carry conviction, — not an unusual occurrence when one begins to have misgivings that it is possible we may be behind time, and are keeping somebody waiting. Shuffling along, he endeavoured to quicken his pace, but it had no other result than to cause an increased oscillation, and a corresponding increase of puffing and blowing. This double portion of humanity, that had thus so dogmatically disputed the hour with good St. Clement's, it may be further stated, was somewhat advanced in years. In earlier days it is possible he was a more active man, but if so, this quality must have long ceased, for, as has been intimated, his organism was now on so extensive a scale, that the odds against him were too great to start on a race with Time, carrying the weight he did, even minus the watch, and yet it was a feat that the old gentle man had been persistently attempting for the last fifty odd years, and he had had a hard time of it, the old mower always keeping ahead, and, though hauling him along the whole distance, only succeeding in bringing him in last of all the course.

In fact, he was always behind time, his own disclaimer to the contrary notwithstanding. Without waiting to accompany the tardy old gentleman, as he jogged on through the crowd, momentarily augmenting as the morning advanced, we will step on at a brisker pace, and, passing St. Mary's on the right, the first of the fifty churches erected in the reign of good Queen Anne, occupying the site of the famous Maypole, and leaving Somerset House on the left, cross the road nearly opposite the latter, and proceed a few doors up Catherine Street on the right hand, until we enter a druggist's shop, — well, it was not a druggist's either, although the red glare and the blue glare that fell on the pavement at night, when the light flickered behind the big-bellied, long necked bottles, seemed to indicate it had some relation thereto ; but a brass plate on the door read thus : ' Dr. Scarr, Surgeon.' Behind the counter stood a middle-sized, lean, large-boned, strong-built man, about twenty-five or twenty-six years old, of dark complexion, and on whose countenance rested a sombre, repelling shade, heightened by premature lines, indicative of care or hardship, and that might be looked for in one double his years.

He was just then attired in a white, or what had been that colour, apron and sleeves, intended to preserve a very faded and stained black suit from further defilement, whilst engaged in pounding in a mortar some delectable compound of a streaky white and black, which, having been duly battered and smeared around the inside of the vessel, re-collected with the spatula, and again battered and besmeared, was finally gathered together, and taken out and rolled on a board, affording evidence of its previous use by the adhering residuum, but the amalgamation whereof with the present ingredients would at least increase its quantitive, if not add to its qualitative, properties. Having undergone this manipulation, the board was turned over, and the brown-looking substance elongated into the breadth of said board ; placed thereon, a nervous rush over its ribbed surface, under pressure of a wooden instrument held in both hands, metamorphosed the whole into a number of small symmetrical pills, which, being dusted with a white substance, were presently deposited in various-sized boxes, and labelled with divers directions as to mode and time of taking, and other particulars, illustrative of their marvellous therapeutic qualities, and applic ability to complaints of a very distinct and diverse nature, — particularly those coming under a class to which the opposing term 'anti'was prefixed, such as anti-scorbutic, anti-dyspeptic, and other cognates, and more especially still the anti-pathetical, this latter probably the condition in which their virtues were most apparent, judging by the effect on its subjects, who thence forth entertained a strong antipathy to pellets of that or any other class.

Having completed this task, and deposited the boxes in a drawer ready for use, except a couple required for that number of patients, he wiped his hands with his apron, and, untying the same, drew off the sleeves, and threw the whole into a corner, and then flapped his hands on each side his breast, very similar to the proceeding of a male fowl who feels himself suddenly called on to crow over some performance that it occurs to him is worth crowing over ; having executed which, he — not the fowl — immediately relapsed into his ordinary scowl. His sallow face was indented by sundry little cavities, much after the pattern engraved on a petrified stone of a shower that fell ages ago ; a large, thick pair of black bushy eyebrows overhung his lustrous eyes, which, added to a slight turn in his nose, and a sinister curl on his coarse lips, with a flat forehead, gave a forbidding cast to his features; his head and whiskers were of the same colour as his brows, the bristly hair of the former persisting in growing with the ends pointing upward ; his short neck was encircled by a broad sarsenet cravat, with a stiffener inside that exhibited itself through portions of the former, worn through by friction with the greasy collar of his coat; a stiffly-starched shirt collar projected so high, that, as his head turned from side to side, it operated upon the under part of his ears, necessitating the frequent use of his fingers to force it down.

At the further end of the shop was an arched doorway, opposite to which, a dark passage intervening, was a door, the upper portion whereof was glazed and curtained on the inside half-way up. This door opened into what was termed the ' surgery,' in which the Esculapius to whom the establishment belonged saw his patients, though the general impression on the first entry of such patients was, that it must require keener vision than usually possessed by ordinary mortals to accomplish this feat, the small modicum of rays of light that contrived to struggle their way into the room having first to expend a great portion of their illumin ating power in lighting up the gloomy shop across which they passed, then over the passage, whence they were faintly re fracted through the aforesaid curtained door into the small apartment, rendering the darkness quite visible.

There was a window at the opposite side of the room, but as this looked out on a questionable neighbourhood, it was always kept closed by a shutter, thereby effectually excluding all light, save that at one period of the day a feeble ray would occasionally glint through a hole cut in the shape of a heart near the top, and fall diagonally into a corner of the room, exhibiting in its trail a luminous path, along which floated myriads of molecules, capering and dancing with a sort of mad exhilaration at the short prospect of such fantastic enjoyment, and which, closely related to a room full of the same atoms, that took their rise from the mouldering carpet on the floor, were undeniable testimonies to the adaptiveness of the place to the diseased patients, whose cases were there sub mitted to the investigation and treatment ofthe skilled practitioner whose aid they sought.

Pacing up and down this room, evidently in no amiable mood, was a slight-built man of small stature, and about sixty years of" age. A large powdered wig reposed on his very small head, much too small for the wig, and which would therefore have set rather uncomfortably, but that it overlapped two ears that pro jected at about an angle of forty-five, and thereby materially aided in retaining the said wig in a permanent position, at the same time causing a sensibly enlarged appearance to the otherwise very compressed head, strangely in contrast with the diminutive facial outline. His low, wrinkled forehead was fringed with thin grey brows, that protruded over a pair of small watery eyes, appearing smaller than they were by the habit of keeping them half closed, — it might be the result of long occupancy of the dark room, which he seemed to prefer when at home to brighter rooms above the shop, where he resided ; his pointed sharp nose was unusually close to his puckered labials, and as closely uniting with the latter was a sharp small chin ; his thin grey whiskers terminated almost where they commenced.

A thickly-folded white neckcloth took charge of his small throat, whilst his short person was encased in a black tailed coat, buttoned tight, and black pants also fitting very tightly, the lower portion at the calves disappearing in a pair of patent leather Hessian boots, always exhibiting a high state of polish, that might have provoked the envy of Warren & Co., or the jealousy of Day & Martin. ' What keeps that man so long ? ' said Dr. Scarr, the person above described, as he pulled out his watch for the twentieth time during the last ten minutes, and halted at the door to take another look over the curtain into the shop, in the vain hope that the cause of his detention might have entered since his last turn across the room.

Now it unfortunately happened that at that moment the gentleman behind the counter, who went by the professional designation of the assistant, having completed the manufacture of the little catholicons, for want of further employment in that direction, had commenced his morning's survey of the shelves, and, after replenishing such of the glass-stoppered bottles as required it with the mysterious liquids that the well-worn, abbre viated labels indicated them to contain, he had passed on to the conserves and unctions contained in the jars and gallipots, until he was brought to a stand by one requiring a more thorough examination than could be accomplished by raising the cover and replacing it ; whereupon he took down the honey jar, and placed it on the counter for a closer inspection ; but as no satis factory conclusion as to the quality of its contents could be come to without subjecting it to a further test, he was in the act of supplementing his inspection by the required analysis at the very moment when the surgeon was making the above reconnais sance, and whose eyes, just then more than half open, failing to meet the object of their search, fell upon the assistant.

Nearly wound up to the highest pitch of impatience, he threw open the door with a bang, and in another instant confronted the astonished deputy, who, with a good-sized piece of honeycomb between his fingers, his face on a plane with the ceiling, was in the act of dropping the luscious bit into his watering mouth. 'Is it nice, Mr. Grumphy? Is it nice, sir? Is it nice? I say,' screeched the irate surgeon, bringing his fist down on the counter with a thud that started a phial bottle thereon into a movement that terminated its further usefulness, by falling to the floor and breaking into a thousand little crystals, ready to operate upon the feet of the first barefooted boy from the neighbouring court, in a much more speedy mode than the contents of the phial would probably have done on its intended recipient.

Mr. Grumphy was by no means a nervous man, nor easily excited, but it will be no disparagement to that gentleman to say that the sudden apparition of the surgeon at so awkward a moment did rather unsettle Mr. Grumphy, and, as a consequence, he let go his hold of the morsel, which instantly fell into the lowest depths of his capacious mouth, and before he could recover it, or swallow, or resort to any speedy way of ridding himself thereof, such a fit of coughing ensued, that in another moment, comb, honey, etc., were coursing down the visage of the surgeon, filling his eyes, matting his brows and whiskers, and dropping on to his dry lips, upon which nothing so sweet had fallen for many a day, and thereby affording him an oppor tunity of judging for himself whether 'it was nice.' Back rushed the half-smothered man to the surgery, spitting and spluttering, and uttering language not to be recorded.

Groping his way to the washstand in one corner, after a prolonged ablution he con trived to remove the viscous unction, and reappeared at the arched doorway, his eyes unusually dilated with passion, and vainly endeavoured to give utterance to his wrath, whilst he went through sundry pantomimic gestures, at times shaking the towel and at others his fist at the mute assistant, who appeared completely dumbfounded. Happily for both, at this moment the outside door, or rather the half thereof, the other half being kept permanently fastened, was thrown wide open, whereupon the surgeon retreated into his sanctuary. After one or two abortive attempts to force an entrance, and which was only finally accomplished by sidling in, in waddled the portly gentleman whose soliloquy at St. Clement's has been noted.

Overcome by his effort at an unusual speed, his face bore testimony to the effect : a copious perspiration was rolling down his glowing cheeks, and, with an audible and quick respiration, he threw himself into a chair, his head falling back, and only able to utter a few audible grunts. ' Hallo ! ' exclaimed the assistant, drawing a long breath of relief at the timely diversion, and impressed with the idea of an incipient apoplexy, ' what's the matter, sir ? ' and he leaped over the counter, and grasped the white neckcloth of the plethoric old gentleman, and commenced a violent tugging thereat in order to loosen it, but which, for every purpose of respiration or ventilation, was quite loose enough. But as the presumed apoplectic resisted, and stretched out his heavy arm to prevent him carrying out his intention, the assistant hesitated as to the next step.

Still holding out his arm to keep the assistant at bay, he took off his hat with the other hand, and drew out a large red cotton handkerchief, and commenced vigorously wiping the perspiration from his face, neck, and head ; having done which, he made several attempts to clear his throat, and eventually succeeded in giving the perplexed assistant to understand that he wished to see Dr. Scarr; whereat that gentleman, who had been contemplating the scene from the open door of his room, advanced, and, in as bland a manner as 'his recently ruffled temper would permit, introduced himself as the person asked for. The surgeon concluded, from the state of his visitor, that Mr. Grumphy had rightly divined his presumed patient's condition, and thereupon took him by the arm and conducted him into the surgery, directing the assistant to follow with a broom and a basin.

Whilst the old gentleman seated himself, the surgeon selected from his case of instruments the appropriate lancet, and then arranged some strips of sticking plaster on the table ; after which, turning to him, he requested him to take off his coat and draw up his shirt sleeve, in order that he might take a few ounces of blood from him, which he assured him would afford immediate relief; whereupon the assistant deposited the basin and broom on the table, and stepped forward to aid the patient in divesting himself of his garment. At the first intimation of the surgeon's intention the elderly gentleman began to smile, under the delusion that he was the subject of a small practical joke, but the earnest manner of the other two quickly transferred the smile to the other side of his mouth, and caused him, in evident alarm, to jump off the stool on which he had been seated, and, seizing the same as a weapon of defence, to retreat to the other end of the room, where he commenced swinging the stool from side to side, exclaiming, — ' I'm hanged if ye come any closer if I don't let daylight into you in a jiffy.

What the mischief are you going to murder me in this dark hole ? ' Mr. Grumphy shook his head, and, fully impressed with the belief that they had a dangerous subject to deal with, he grasped the broom with the intent of using it as a foil whilst he rushed in to overpower him. ' Stop,' said the surgeon, holding the assistant by the arm, ' let's try gentle measures first ; ' and then, addressing the stranger, he said, with an effort to be pleasant and gentle, — 'Calm yourself, my dear sir; it's highly injurious to a man in your state to become excited. Be seated, and allow me to ascertain the state of your pulse.' Saying which, the surgeon made a step towards him, but as quickly retreated as the other raised the stool in a threatening attitude. ' My pulse! what the mischief would ail my pulse?

But, drat it, something soon will, stewed up in this room a fighting two such gaumless folk.' And thereupon, still clutching the stool with one hand, he made ineffectual efforts to unbutton his waistcoat, over powered by the heat. 'Allow me,' said the assistant, about to approach him, 'I'll help you take your coat off.' ' Look'ee here, young man, if ye come one inch nearer, dang ye if I don't mesh ye. Just thee come another step, and if I don't draw the first blood my name's not Kearas.' ' Kearas ! ' said the surgeon in a tone of surprise. ' Kearas ! — are you Mr. Kearas ? ' ' Well, who would I be if I wasn't ? ' ' There's some mistake here,' said the surgeon, returning the lancet to its case. ' I'm of the same opinion,' said Mr. Kearas, resting a leg of the stool on the ground. ' I'm not quite ready to be dessicated yet.

You'll have to get a substitution ; ' at which saying he gave a hearty chuckle, but as this increased his sudorific state, he made a further attempt on his waistcoat, which he threw open after tearing thereat. 'A thousand pardons, Mr. Kearas. That will do, Mr. Grumphy.' Whereupon the assistant took up the basin and broom, and, closing the door after him, withdrew into the shop to ruminate over the morning's chapter of accidents. ' Be seated, sir. That stupid assistant of mine is always doing some foolish thing or other.' ' Ah, Mr. Scare, all through never having had the advantage of the superior culture afforded at my establishment' After a few further explanations and apologies on the part of the surgeon, the two settled down to a better understanding.

Chapter II. Product Of Two Of The Factors

— THE THIRD TEMPORARILY THROWN OUT. DOCTOR,' said Mr. Kearas, ' I got your note at the Bull and Mouth last night, on my return from booking two fine lads for the 'Cademy, — mortal fine boys they were, only requiring the edge putting on 'em, and the finishing touch they'll get at the 'Cademy. Ah ! Doctor, their payrents won't know 'em again in a few years ; ' which was very probable, as will hereafter appear. ' I'd ha' been sooner, Doctor, only I was detained seeing 'em off by the early stage, and which was very affecting, Doctor. It's a very affecting sight to see loving payrents a parting with their tender offspring.

Nothing but stern duty and the assurance of the payternal solicitude of myself and Mrs. K. for the dear children would enable them to endure it.' Here the excellent gentleman commenced a search for his handkerchief, but as it had fallen under the stool he was not successful. ' No doubt, no doubt,' interrupted the surgeon, evidently un moved by Mr. Kearas' affecting relation, and somewhat impatient at his garrulity, which he endeavoured to stop by coming to the point for which the interview had been requested. ' You are Mr. Kearas, the Yorkshire schoolmaster ? ' ' I'm Mr. Kearas, the proprietor of the 'Cademy well and favourably known as "The Hall," near Bowes, Yorkshire.' 'Yes, yes, they are all Halls up there,' replied the surgeon in a depreciatory tone; 'but' — ' Grumbleby Hall, sir,' interrupted Mr. Kearas, with an air of importance, as he drew out of his waistcoat pocket a large card, on both sides of which was printed a very elaborate description of situation, advantages, terms, and other particulars of the institution referred to ; 'and them's the 'ticklers thereof.' ' You and I,' said the surgeon, throwing the proffered card on the table without deigning a look thereat, 'have had frequent correspondence in our day, although this is the first time I have had the pleasure of seeing you.' 'An' how d'ye like me?' said the schoolmaster, with a hearty ' Haugh ! haugh ! ' and which rather disturbed his balance on the rickety stool. ' Oh, very much, very much,' said the surgeon, slightly annoyed at the facetiousness of the schoolmaster. ' Everybody does, my dear Doctor ; quite unlike other men of my persuasion, carrying on the eddicating business ; there's summut in my outside external as impresses 'em at once.' Say ing which Mr. Kearas took a cursory survey of his admired proportions, and then resolved into a complacent air. ' I'm quite of everybody's opinion, but' — ' I don't wonner ; you're a man of penetration, and I'm transparent and full of guile.

Fair and square, round and plump, — them's my mottoes; nothing underhand for me,' said Mr. Kearas, throwing back his coat and thrusting his thumbs into the arm holes of his waistcoat. ' I can't abide it' ' Undoubtedly square and plump enough, in all conscience ; but, Mr. Kearas,' remonstrated the surgeon, ' I've a great deal to do this morning, and as you are considerably after time, let's proceed to business. You see, Mr. Kearas, you see' — ' Well, not very plain,' interrupted the schoolmaster, turning his head to look about the room, as yet unable to restrain a vein of pleasantry, said to run through most fat men. ' It's the darkest, dismallest place I've seen for many a day. Haugh ! haugh ! haugh ! ' ' You'll probably be in a worse yet,' muttered the surgeon, irritated at this disparaging allusion to his sanctum, and whereat Mr. Kearas subsided into a graver mood, and took a furtive glance around the room, evidently disturbed lest there might be a still gloomier inner chamber to which it would be possible to transfer a subject for chirurgical operations ; but, not discovering any outlet to such, he concluded the Doctor had only intended a bit of pleasantry in response to his own, and, recovering his equanimity, exclaimed, — 'Well, that's a joke.' 'What's a joke?' ' Why, that be.' ' I'm not joking, sir, — I'm not joking.' ' Ha ! ha !