Confessions of Country Quarters, etc

Front matter

COUNTRY QUARTERS. VOL. I. COUNTEY QUAETEES: BEING &ome passages in tty %ik or SOMERSET CAVENDISH COBB, ESQ. Late Captain in the 120t7i Foot (Camberwell Rangers.) BY CAPTAIN CHARLES KNOX, ACTnOR OF " HABDNES9," " THE ABK AND THE DELUGE," ETC. ETC. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I. " Oh, ladies, beware cf a gay young knight, That love?, and then rides away." LONDON SAUNDEES AND OTLEY, CONDUIT STREET. 1852. COUNTRY QUARTERS. CHAPTEE I. THE SOLDIER'S FAREWELL, AFTER THE FASHION OF THE BRITISH ARMY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF JAMES HAWKINS — CHARITABLE BEQUESTS — CARRISON HACKS AND THEIR QUALIFICATIONS WIDOWS OF THE 1 10TH FOOT FLASH MAN OF THE 120TH REGIMENT BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF CONFESSOR AND HIS PARENTS POETRY OF MESS TABLES. " Ballymaccrocodile, May 10, 18 — . " Dear Cobb, — I hear that you have sold your hunters and pulled in and taken to spooning instead, which pained me much, as I had supposed you were eminently suc cessful on the Stock Exchange.

I hope, however, that the smash is not very serious ; but in your new character I wish to recom- VOL. i. B *3 mend to your patronage a girl that has done me to flirt with all the time I have been here, and behaved very well, and I wish you would take her up. Ellen O'Reilly is her name; she is about twenty-two, with good teeth, and I have taught her to waltz properly, and have promised her that you shall teach her to galoppe after the fashion of the court of Saxe- Weimar, on which subject, or rather about old Goethe, she is somewhat enthusiastic ; her only fault being that she is a bit of a blue, and consequently talks a d — d deal of stuff about things that she don't understand; that, however, you know, most of them do without a tithe of her redeeming qualities, for she really is a very nice girl, as lady-like as could be hoped for here, and does not expect one to marry her.

If. you lend her that grey mare of yours, and put your smartest boy on the cab horse, you will win her heart slick away. " The garrison hacks here are pretty smart steppers; indeed, rather better than usual; there are not dragoons enough to inoculate them with stable slang and canteen man ners. One girl, daughter of an old fellow (pork and provision trade), who is as rich as a Jew, and gives dinners twice a-week, devilish near caught Willy Jackson. I think she would have booked him dearly beloved if it had not been for a host of utterly unpresentable relations that Willy could not swallow. She was not a bad style of craft either, though she ate like a cormorant and drank like a fish. She waltzes well, but is too adhesive for my taste. Beauty Bill, with that spooney manner of his, had his usual luck; he seemed so soft, that they tried a brother on him, but it did not fit; two can play at barking irons, and all that the affectionate brother got was a ball through both thighs, and within half an inch of the left femoral B artery into the bargain, devil mend him !

Chapter II. Communism In The British Army Socialist System Of Rotation Military

READINGS INNOCENCE OF YOUTH MYSTERIES OF DUBLIN — TROTTING OUT — MARCHING IN. To return to our subject, for these are confessions of country quarters, not of Cavendish-square, though that dignified spot has its confessions to make too, which I hope to give to the public whenever Mrs. Park-lane entrusts me with notes of the unheard-of exertions she made (for the sake of her daughters) to get into society, and the frantic struggles that are made to get to her balls NOW. These out-pourings of an over-burdened heart relating to the markettowns of the United Kingdom, must now return to the picturesque and exceedingly filthy borough of Ballykillcronaghan, where thc left-wing of the 120th were billetted on the night of the 11th of May, 18 — We had just finished dinner, — trout lovelier than Lady -, and boiledturkey with celery sauce, more charming than the strains of Jenny Lind ; and after a faint attempt at introducing an apocryphal fluid they called " illigant ould port with a crust on it," and which I therefore suppose was intended to pass for wine, by young Simpkins, who liked being genteel, which was overruled altogether, pooh-poohed, by a choral under-growl of whiskey-punch, — we had commenced moistening our military clay, Avhich had been somewhat roughly kneaded by the day's march and the Hibernian weather, with that liquor of life, Avhen a disparaging remark about the accommodation afforded by Irish inns, made by Hamilton, roused the divine wrath of O'Flaherty, a pure milesian and drinker of whiskey.

" A Scotchman complaining of Ireland sounds mighty fine !" said the son of Brehons; "I'm thinking it's the pot and the kettle." " I wouldn't own to Scotland if it was such a beggarly place as this," retorted the Scot. "A Jew cannot as much as thrive in Ireland." "Listen to the heretic comparing the two," returned the champion of Erin. "Why, man alive, you have nothing to do but to look at their emblems, andsee what they think of themselves. What are the arms of Scotland? A lion boxant. Those of Ire land, the harp ; the one a brute-baste in a blackguard attitude, the. other the emblem of melody and the insthrument of the angels, — Hyperion to a Satyr. How can any man in his sinses, or out of them, com pare the thistle to the shamrock; the one the symbol of our blessed religion, the other an ill-conditioned weed, the food of a jackass.

Fill your glass, man, and make yourself happy ;" and as he added example to precept, the discussion dropped. Almost immediately afterwards a mes senger arrived with half-a-dozen letters for different officers of the detachment, con taining the testamentary dispositions of the 110th, whom we were to relieve the next day at Ballymaccrocodile, and of which missives a specimen, and rather a favourable one, has been given at the commence ment of the last chapter; indeed it was our practice to consider the fair ones of what ever town might be so fortunate as to enjoy our protection in the light of a mild variety of harem. It is a great convenience to the British army, that socialist system of handing the garrison beauties, accurately marked and ticketed, from regiment to regiment; one never marches into a town without having a reversionary interest in a flirtation, and a preliminary knowledge of its object, her tastes, habits, and weaknesses, with a sketch of her prospects in case of accidents ; for instances have occurred of young gentlemen, who fancied they were playing at love, finding it become very serious earnest, and ultimately hearing themselves addressed by a reverend gentlemen, who ties knots that rearely slip, as " dearly beloved."

Of course, every one of us knew per fectly well of what a tender nature these missives were, and received them with great interest, so that a dead silence ensued while we bestowed what time we could spare from the whiskey-punch, in ascertaining what prospects of delicious pain we had in store for us at Ballymaccrocodile. My letter was perhaps the longest of all; bufr whether it was that Hawkins wrote and spelt well, or that I read writing with rather more ease to myself than my brothers in-arms, I was the first that had completed the perusal of the deed of transfer ; and as I was folding it up to put it in my pocket, Popkins asked to see it. Popkins had refused to take my duty for me the night before we left Carrickaroghery, when I wanted to drink T. T. L. tea with Anna Maria Maloney; the consequence of which refusal was a valedictory letter from the young lady, which I have no doubt had for its object the involving me in a correspondence, with the view of submitting the gushing out-pourings of my heart to the consideration of twelve freeholders of the county of Mayo, and which exercised all my ingenuity in answering it, without compromising myself, a task I effected in a very skilful and officer-like style.

I do not believe any one else in the regiment could have done it half so well, though plenty of them had been trying their hands for years at that sort of thing, and some, indeed, had burned their fingers. p Now Popkins had no business to refuse, for he had nobody to drink tea with, nobody would have him at any price ; and, in truth, he was not half fast enough for the 120th, so I determined to pursue him with an inextinguishable hatred, and would not let him see the letter, at which he set up a dismal howl, complaining of my being so unsociable. I knew that very well ; I was perfectly aware that whenever any particularly deli cate and confidential communication, such as one's aunt having bolted with the butler, or one's sister having been jilted by that young lord they followed down to Cowes, as well as all reproachful or affectionate love letters from the last quarter, or maternal requisitions as to purity of life, water-gruel, and dry stockings, reached any of our fellows, it was laid on the mess-table for general consideration, which practice had a vol. I. c most beneficial effect upon the corps, for by giving us a lively interest in one another's affairs, it made us the band of brothers we were ; but I do honestly confess that I was of an odd, unsociable disposition, which, together with most others of my faults and imperfections, I first tried to cure, and then to hide, and finally made up my mind to indulge.

However, Popkins was speedily consoled by Simpkins tossing him his to read, which that smart young subaltern was very anxious should be read out publicly, he being very proud of it, for it came from a dragoon, on being acquainted with whom he glorified himself hugely, who wanted to make some little change in his domestic arrangements, and who probably pitched upon Simpkins for a sacrifice, from some hazy idea, that that little man, whose father is an eminent saddler and accoutre ment maker in the borough of Southwark, would probably worship a dragoon, and do his bidding. The letter was as follows, at least so Popkins read it out, for it was clear that if one read each letter aloud, it would save the remaining nine the trouble of reading, and that plan was adopted accord ingly :— " Dear Simmy, — Mind you ride up and speak to me when I meet your regiment marching in to-morrow; I shall be riding with a charming creature with at least ten thousand pounds " " That will do for the marines," inter rupted Jenkins; "every girl has ten thousand pounds, only it isn't payable till the day of judgment."

" Perhaps she's a pawnbroker's daughter," suggested the Major; "they have all the money in this country, where there's more credit than capital." " Except what the distillers have," said c2 Tomkins. " I remember when I was quar tered at Newtown Mount Mulligan " " Tes, yes, I remember that too," inter rupted I; as, I well might, seeing that I had heard the story at least two hun dred times, and in every description of key, from the stentorian tone necessary to overbear the clatter of the first onslaught upon the first course down to the maudlin jingle just before Tomkins dropped off his perch, as was his habit in the small hours. "We all remember that; let's have the letter. It's no use talking about the girls till we've seen them trotted out." This was considered a very sensible and practical remark, and the reading continued : "I have been doing centimental ;" here Popkins paused with a puzzled expression of countenance : " I always thought sentimental was spelt with an s." " Well, I think it is," said Tomkins, after a moment's hesitation.

" What the deuce can it matter?" said Jenkins. " The letters are of the same family, only the c is the elder brother. Go on." " Doing sentimental for the last three months, and am dead sick of her, and am going to take up Willy Waddle's, of the 110th, flame, who, as soon as she has mopped her brinies, will suit me better; though I should think that Mary Anne O'Malley would be more in your line. She is not fast enough for me " " Well," said Simpkins, somewhat of fended, " I do not know what makes him think I am to put up with such a slow filly." (It was the handwriting of the dragoon that inspired him with the eques trian synonym ; he generally called the fair objects of his affections heifers.) " Keep moving," said Jenkins, and Pop kins continued reading : " She is not fast enough for me; but I am sure you will like her, for you may squeedge her hand as much as you please, and she will bear a deal of nudging.

I shall take care she receives you well; indeed I have told her you have an old aunt as rich as Rothschild, who is very anxious you shoidd marry, and will come down handsomely; so she will run open mouthed at you." A faint smile illuminated Simpkins's sal low face at this. " Haw !" said he ; " slap up fellows those dragoons are." " Well, what next?" said Jenkins. " So take compassion on her ; — c o ra p a s h o n," spelt Popkins. "He must have written in a hurry," said Simpkins, "the trumpet sounding for stables;" though similar orthographical slips in an infantry man would have excited his most lively scorn. " So take compassion on her, and say something incidentally " ( ' Incidentally,' repeated he, ' that is a very good word — incidentally ; I wonder how he came by it'), " say something incidentally about your aunt and your expectations, you know, and that sort of thing. — Yours truly, "Robert Holster."

I missed the perusal of the remaining consignments, all of which, I have no doubt, were equally explicit and business-like, for it was time to visit the billets, and per ceiving that my unfortunate ensign, Johnny Waldgrave, who was one of the most at tractive boys I ever came across, but some what delicate, was completely knocked up by the day's march, whereas I had the endurance of an armadillo on the road, I went out to go round them, and did not return until the sederunt had broken up, after, as I learned from Johnny, very nearly getting up half a dozen quarrels about the disposal of the unconscious beauties of Ballymaccro codile among them. myself lost nothing by not hearing the somewhat unceremonious overhauling under gone by the charmers in question, and, in deed, I had no interest in it.

I had no intention of interfering with anyone else's game, had not the slightest idea of tolerating any poaching upon my preserves, and being abundantly satisfied of my ability to protect my own property, was perfectly easy in ray mind upon the subject, and speedily found myself, or lost myself, in the halls of sleep, where I dreamed that Ellen O'Reilly was embroidering a waistcoat for me. This was very pleasant, but it did not prevent the assembly sounding at the usual hour in the morning, which, to the minds of the gentlemen of England, who live at home at ease, will appear little better than the middle of the night, and I had to turn out into the cold, with the customary resolution of leaving the service immediately, which, I believe, pervades all regiments on the inarch for the first half hour after starting.

Of course, I was exceedingly savage, and strode along at the head of my company, for the first two miles, as if I really intended to exterminate the neighbourhood. Johnny walked silently by my side ; he had taken a look at me, and seen that it was expedient not to trouble me yet a while. Johnny used to humour me about half an hour in the day, and make me do whatever he pleased the remaining twenty-three hours and a half; he looked so like his sister Edith whenever he wanted anything, that I never had the heart to refuse him; but this morning, as it happened, it did not rain ; a very unusual thing in Ireland. A fine May morning has a wonderful effect in producing a tranquil state of mind, almost as much so as a bad heart and a good digestion, and Johnny, upon a second inspection of my phsiogno mical barometer, perceiving that the weather had moderated, ventured to ask me whether c knew anything about the place we were about to pass the next six months in.

I told him that I knew nothing but what was contained in Hawkins's letter, which I gave him to read, for it was too much trouble for me picking out extracts from it. I find that when one attempts to read on a road, one is always kicking one's feet against stones, or tumbling over pigs, or children, or something of the sort. Johnny was hugely taken with the idea of Ellen's only fault being a bit of a blue. He ad mitted that it was sometimes a fact, and always a pity, that charming women talk of things that they don't understand, but at the same time stoutly affirmed that intellect, in telligence, and feeling, must elevate and purify the female character; by which I understood Johnny to mean, must make a girl admire his verses, of which he wrote a great deal, and very well too, as I alone of the 120th can testify, as it was only to me that he ever ventured to show them.

" Those romantic ideas, Johnny, my boy," said I, "will be the ruin of you. Marriage, in the eye of the law, is a valuable consideration. A woman, in the eyes of a sensible man, is a necessary appendage to a certain sum of twenty or twenty-five thou sand pounds, which you are in want of, and which cannot be had without taking her with it. You may knock off a couple of thousands for blue eyes, and a couple more for good ancles, and perhaps six or eight hun dred for a good temper or an easy disposi tion; so that if she has a variety of good qualities you may. not perhaps get more than fifteen or twenty thousand in money, taking the rest out in female perfections; while, on the other hand, if she squints or squabbles, you ought to get five-and-twenty or thirty thousand with her. That is the true practical view to take that works best in the long run, for all your personal and intel lectual charms fade and decay.

For, Johnny, my boy, let me tell you there is a point in the life of an intellectual and feeling woman that is not dreamed of in your philosophy, and that is when she is forty five, and d — d positive, and takes snuff." " The mind being more mature," began Johnny, somewhat hesitatingly — for his conscience was tripping him up by the heels; the young rogue knew very well that, excepting his inevitable female relations, he never had spoken to a woman above five-and-twenty in his lifetime, and what was more, he was perfectly aware that I knew it too. What moral maxim he was about to hurl at my heretical head, is un happily lost to posterity, for at this moment the head of the column approached a village, the word was passed to march at attention, and the alacrity with which Johnny drew his sword and took his place in the ranks of war savoured a good deal more of rejoicing at his escape from the mature mind than any very burning military ardour.

When we cleared this singular assemblage of man-sties, which I afterwards learned was called Carrick-a-poguenadog hery, Johnny returned to my side. " Did you hear Jenkins' riddle last night, Cobb," said he. " No." " When is a ship like a female thief ? Do you give it up?" " Don't bother me," said I. " What is it?" "When she's a brig-and in stays," returned he, exultingly ; " that's very good." " It'll do for Ballymaccrocodile," replied I. " You'll introduce me to Miss O'Reilly, won't you, Cobb?" said he. " To be sure I will," replied I; " I'll take you to tea there. It's good for one's opinion of human nature to associate every now and then with clergymen. They don't take such a hard view of character and motives as we men of the world do, Johnny, ray boy." " Why not ?" asked Johnny, strutting, nevertheless, like a young turkey cock, at being called a man of the world ; " they see sin and crime."

" They do, Johnny," said I, " but they also see sorrow and repentance. When the devil is at a premium in a man's mind, he goes to a lawyer; when the devil is at a discount in a man's mind, he goes to a parson; so I'll take you to the rectory; you'll most likely find the mother's mind more matured than the daughter's ; so you shall talk to her whilst I astonish Ellen's unripe intellect." " Who is Beauty BiU?" asked Johnny. " Upon my word," replied I, "unless that he is a man of the name of Wiggins, who I recollect is called Bill, and si good looking, and curls his hair; I believe he sleeps with it in papers; and screws in his waist, and takes care of his complexion, and keeps an Italian greyhound — I do not know who Hawkins means ; and if it is him, I should not be able to give you any description of him, other than that he is a son of old Wiggins."

" But you cannot defend his conduct, surely?" said the conscientious young cub; " make love to a girl, and then shoot her brother! I do not call that love." " How do you know that he did make love to her ?" retorted I. " How do you know that she did not make love to him? How do you know what nets and snares were not wove round him by that perfidious family? Have you never heard, you heavenly innocent, of anxious mothers that hunt you for six months, and then ask you your intentions? How do you know that the father did not try to fascinate him with tawney old port, like a true Briton, the father of a family ; or the mother with her matronly arts, like a middle-aged turtle dove; or the brother with the terror of his barking-irons, like a young rattlesnake? Taking a shot at such people, is nothing but spring-guns against man-traps."

"But he might have paid her some attention," persisted that young Protestant Joseph, Johnny, " or they would not have thought about him at all ; and even if they were not altogether right in what they did, to think of shooting at the brother of a girl that I was on friendly terms with, I could no more do it than I could fly. How could he ever look her in the face again, whether he hit him or not?" " He has not the slightest intention of ever looking her in the face again, Johnny,'' said I; " and after this he would be a most remarkable ass if he have. Take my word for it, she won't break her shins over her feelings. What should you think yourself of a girl who would submit to having a mau pistolled into marrying her? Is that the delicacy of sentiment and the commu nion of souls united by the holiest tie here and hereafter?"

Johnny began to wince a bit, for he recognised the language. " Is that the pearl beyond price to be sought through life, and never abandoned but in death, that you talked so much about to Clementina Mullins in Merrion-square, and that she repeated every word of, and a great deal more, to me the next night, when she believed that you were to march away that day week with the regiment, and I was to remain as aide-de-camp to his pinchbeck majesty, the Lord Lieutenant, and be worshipped by the women accordingly; as in deed I should have done, only that I found that his Excellency expected his aide-de camps to hold his stirrup when he got off his horse, to answer the bell, and to carry three-cornered notes. " What a shame," said Johnny, indignantly, cut to the quick by the atrocious breach of confidence of the faithless Mul lins, who had quite won his heart by telling him she would give the world to know his sister.

" To think of her repeat ing that that I told her in the strictest confidence, after her saying " " What did she say?" asked I, for Johnny stopped dead short. However, his sense of honour was too high to allow of his repeating what she said, so I continued. " Don't look so savage, you young cannibal ; if you want to pitch into a girl, never lose your temper, but simply accuse her of being 'missish.' It's too vague a charge for her to rebut, but it will drive her as mad as a sackful of cats. Everything that she says, answer her — now I call that missish : you'll soon have the whip-hand, and then if you don't let in a dozen or two of stingers it's your own fault. Never mind about this little matter. I told her that I would not. have you abused; and that if I ever heard of her repeating any of your sentimental tomfooleries, I'd wring her neck ; so it will go no further;" and, in truth, I do not believe it did, for I have no doubt that she forgot all about Johnny and his mother and sister, kith and kin, on the arrival of an exceedingly smart hussar regiment, that relieved a very dense, heavy dragoon one, about the time that we quitted the city of the brogue.

I was sorry that I gave Johnny this little glimpse of real life, for I saw that it shook his confidence in human nature — at least, the feminine variety. He trudged on without speaking all that live-long day, looked askance at Mary Anne O'Malley, as if she were an hyæna in a claret-coloured riding-habit, when Holster trotted her out as per appointment, for Simmy's consideration ; and certainly, we all thought her quite good enough for him, except Johnny, who winked sardonically at me, made some very male, masculine, and manly remarks about field-sports, as indicating that he intended, for the future, to seek for enjoy ment in those pursuits, and be no longer made a fool of by women, slouched along, as if he did not care three farthings whether any one was looking at him or not, and never as much as condescended to dust his boots as we marched into Ballymaccro codile.

Chapter III. Night And Morning

! OPEN ARMS — SINGULAR FEMALE EQUESTRIAN TRIBE JUDGES OF LADIES — FAMILY ETHICS — ENTER THE STREAM — SYMP- TOMS OF CIVILIZATION. "Le Roi est Mort!" " Vive le Roi !" In such terse and unmistakable language was it announced in the olden time, long ago, when there was a king in France, that another Capet slept with the ancestral St. Louis, and a fresh arm upheld the oriflamme ; and even so, in that same day of May, scarcely had the fluttering hearts of the Ballymaccrocodileans ceased to throb re sponsively to the martial farewell of " the girls we left behind us," wherewith, after the ancient manner, the 110th consoled their fair friends (and their noble selves) upon their departure, ere the same hearts palpitated to the notes of hope in the "British grenadiers," by which the 120th announced that they were come to reign in their stead.

Of course everybody turned out to see us; and Johnny confessed to me privately, afterwards, when he was a little better of Clementina Mullins, that his first impression of Ballymaccrocodile was, that it was the colony of a female equestrian tribe; the young rogue, notwithstanding his misogynical conversion to the sports of the field, having counted the fair ladies on horseback whom Ave encountered in the last five miles, and whom he found amounted to thirteen. He then ascertained the number of roads that led into the town, which being five, he therefrom deduced that sixty-five, or thereabouts, of the damsels of that flourish ing market-town kept horses, poor dear boy. I let him find his own way out of the monstrous delusion ; experience comes surely, and if one changes quarters rapidly, by no means slowly ; it is much more instructive than preaching, which nobody ever attends to; and I think some considerable light had been let into his innocent mind, when about three weeks afterwards he told me that he had found out how many ladies possessed horses, or could borrow them, in the neighbourhood, and that they amounted to fourteen; adding, that probably one of them was ill the day we marched in.

I doubted this last remark being his own composition, my opinion being that he had plagiarized it from Simpkins, or more likely Holster, who was an incurable, irre trievable, hopeless snob, with a gigantic opinion of himself, and a maniacal self idolatry of his character of a cavalry officer. Now I had no objection to bringing up Johnny myself in the way he should go, because I knew the way ; but I had not the slightest idea of suffering these gents to show him the way he should not go — viz., into gentism; indeed, I had too great a regard for Edith, his sister, who was only a year older than him, and used to talk to me about his chest, which was weak, and the night air, and not letting him drink whiskey-punch — of which deleterious fluid I almost thought she believed the Bairn, the Boyne, the Barron, the Blackwater, the Liffey, the Suir, and the Shannon were composed — so I considered it my duty to Edith to put a stopper upon any attempt to corrupt Johnny.