Whose was the Blame? A woman's version of the Kreutzer Sonata, [L. N. Tolstoi.] ... With a prologue translated from the Russian of Prince Galitzen

Prologue

TRANSLATED FROM THE RUSSIAN OF PRINCE GALITZEN W% o n t) o it SWAN SONNENSCHEIN & CO PATERNOSTER SQUARE TRANSLATED FROM THE GERMAN l:\ MARIE L. SHEDLOCK Thou shalt do no Murder By PRINCE GALITZEN B Thou shalt do no Murder DEAR BROTHER,— I am sending you a sketch of the last years of my life. I wrote it down in hours of misery — such as I have never experienced in the same degree since — for which I thank Heaven. I have only hidden one thing in my life from you, and I am about to disclose it to you now; indeed, I can never quite explain it to myself why I kept it as a secret from you. Perhaps I was ashamed to speak to you of the trouble that was on my mind." If a grief be too heavy, it cannot be discussed in conversation, though, as you know very well, there are many people capable of telling their sorrow to the first person they happen to meet — indeed, they do not hesitate to speak out before a dozen people who are total strangers to them ; their sole motive for so doing seems to be prompted by a petty sentimental feeling of wishing to talk of their affairs.

I was silent during the space of five years, and you suspected nothing. You are more intimate with me than any one else ; you are, in fact, my second self, and I know when you read this you will say, " He has acted rightly, as a good man would have done ; " besides, I assure you, I require no encouragement : I have no doubt in my mind that I have done what is right. These pages have lain by me for a long time : I could not make up my mind to send them to you. But now I have done so. You asked me, in one of your letters lately, whether I had read the " Kreuzer Sonata," and you added, " Every body has read it : you cannot escape from it any more than from influenza. What do you think of it ? " Well, when you have read the accompanying pages, you will know what I am forced to think of it.

Chapter I. You

know the last time we were together, for three whole months before my marriage : that is twelve years ago. Do you remember what a beautiful time that was for me ? It was glorious ! I enjoyed happiness in anticipation, just as if the coming peaceful joys had cast their rays upon us — that is, upon Nadine and me. Before I met her, I had never conceived the possibility of meeting any one who seemed created for me. I found in her all that I needed. Whenever I discovered a new trait in her character, I always felt it was the one indispen sable something which I had been awaiting. At the first meeting, which took place at the Princess Schawrow's house, where I was calling, I was struck with her beauty. Her eyes charmed me : they were so penetrating and true, and whilst her mother was enlarging, in the most discursive manner, on travels in Switzerland, and I was answering in a most emphatic manner, I felt those eyes turned towards me, and from their expression I knew she was thinking, " Why do you pretend to feel the slightest interest in Switzerland ?

" But I was quite ready to listen to further descriptions of the bears at Berne, and the dulness of the inhabitants at Geneva, for it was so refreshing to look at Nadine. But the Princess seemed evidently to think that I had gazed at the young girl long enough, and asked me whether, according to my opinion, the taking of Constantinople was necessary to Russia or not. I gave my answer, and took leave of the ladies. . When I reached the street, the spell which Nadine had thrown over me was distinctly weaker, and twice I could think of nothing but her mother's ugly earrings. Three hours later I had completely forgotten both. The next day I met her again. It was in the theatre, and the opera Russelke was being performed. When I rose, after the first act, I became conscious of her presence. I bowed : the ladies returned my greeting with a gracious smile, and I at once resolved to go to their box.

This time Nadine's personal appearance made no impression upon me whatever. I saw, of course, that she was pleasing, and that she had a charming face ; but all this seemed to be in the background. I was specially charmed with her con versation, so different from the ordinarytalk between the acts which one knows by heart beforehand. I felt at once that one could talk with her on all subjects, not only on music, on thc weather, or on Switzerland. Indeed, she confirmed this in no uncertain manner, for when I asked her "And do you sing yourself?" she answered quickly, " No, I do not sing ; I play the piano neither better nor worse than most people ; I seldom go to the theatre ; I have heard Patti three times ; and I have not lost any relations in the late war." I looked at her in astonishment.

" You see," she said, by way of explanation, " these questions were bound to come sometime. I have answered them all, so we can now have a real talk." " Nadine ! " her mother called out severely. " Miss Nadine is perfectly right," I ventured to say, and tried to prove this in my behaviour, but she had somewhat disconcerted me, and from sheer ill-luck no brilliant remark suggested itself to me. But my future mother-in-law kept the wheels of small-talk rolling. She related her biography with out a pause. It appeared she was a widow — her husband had died from a stroke of paralysis seven years before. She possessed two estates, and a house in Moscow and in dear St. Petersburg, where she had been born and brought up ; her money was invested in Government securities, and Nadine had received a domestic education, " qui ne ce cede en rien d F education de Smolnoy."

While her mother was speaking, Nadine looked anxiously about. Probably the long tirade to which I had been treated was a sort of circular addressed ■s WHOSE WAS THE BLAME to all young men. I felt sorry for the girl when I realized this. " She is ashamed of it," I said to myself. At this moment I noticed how well she was dressed — particularly well, I thought. You know how some women are remarkable for their neck, their hands, their toilette, but this girl seemed to say, " Look straight into my eyes, and then you will know me." There are people who fall in love with a toilette, because they look upon woman as the copy of a fashion-plate. Such men would have been pleased with Nadine's style, and her dress was striking. During the next interval there came into the box a Staff Officer with a hideous voice and a fair-haired young man with a silken moustache.

The latter was very awkward in his manner, blushed at every moment, and stammered when he answered. His whole conversation was made up of answers, for he was incapable of suggesting anything on his own account. The Princess presented us to one another, of course ; but, as often happens on such occasions, I did not catch his name. Nadine was very indifferent in her manner towards the Staff Officer ; she was on terms of playful familiarity with the fair-haired young man, towards me she showed herself, if possible, even more amiable. You are perhaps surprised that I should tell you all these details, but it is necessary that I should do so. It was during this interval that I felt I had lost my heart to Nadine. Everything in her appealed to me : her face, her movements, and especially her voice, which seemed to come from her heart, and which moved me deeply.

Though I could not look into her inmost soul, I felt convinced that she could have no faults. You think I fell in love with her simply because she was beautiful ? No, this was not the case. All of us who move in society are accustomed to meet many beautiful women and girls, but we do not fall in love with them. Therefore beauty is not the cause of this, for it is only a negative attraction ; that is, only an absence of ugliness, and ugliness prevents love. Besides, by exception, ugly women can be very attractive. The chief thing is that the souls should appeal to one another ; whoever denies this and maintains that only physical charms attract us, he is deeply to be pitied. When I left the box, I made up my mind not to return. I began to feel somewhat strained, but I found it was impossible to remain in the theatre without going to them.

I therefore went away. At first I turned my steps homewards, but I felt a sudden terror of sitting alone in my vast bachelor quarters, where everything would seem at variance with my present state of mind. Yes, it was love — the beginning of love, a feeling that resounded like loud music in my heart. All my impressions seemed affected by the sound of this music. You think me sentimental. No ; it was something pure, the uneasiness of a new joy. I made no pictures in my mind concerning the future. I never even told myself that I should marry Nadine. I only felt that in her company I should lead a new, fair, and glorious life. I did not go home, but made my way to join Baebmatshow at supper. I had met him that morning in the street, and he had told me that in the evening he was to bid farewell to his bachelor life because he was to be married on the morrow to the daughter of a fabulously rich merchant, of the name of Jelesarno.

After telling me this, he had begged me to join him at Donon, where there would be dinner and ladies, supper and ladies, etc. I had accepted the invitation out of politeness, for I had a great repugnance for the usual festivities held by the gay little circle of the gilded youth of St. Petersburg. It is these men who leave the impression that men of higher society spend their time in low restaurants in the company of degraded women. I need not say that I took no part in these indecencies. I will give no description of what took place. You know how horrible these festivities sometimes become, not only because wine and spirits flow freely ; not only because the men drink more than they can stand, but principally because of the disgusting conversation in which they indulge over their cups. Baebmatshow himself was not very drunk : he had only reached the stage when a man considers it quite unnecessary to restrain himself in the expression of any feelings, however coarse.

When he saw that I looked round angrily at the intoxicated assembly, he pretended to be quite sober, drew me beside him on a couch, dropped heavily down, and called for soda water. " I am going to be married," he began in a serious tone, as if he were announcing something novel. " Yes, I know ; that is all right. I congratulate you." " I am not sure," he said, "whether there is not a lurking irony in your congratulations. You despise me, of course, because, having squandered my fortune, I seek to redeem it by the merchant's millions, and practically exchange them against the title of Countess I offer his daughter." " Such cases are not rare," I observed, by way of saying something. "Not rare? This is better than ever. But I cannot understand what evil people can see in this. It is certainly not dishonourable.

I take money, and I give myself in exchange. Marriage is a mere hol low sound. Does one get engaged for love, or does one enter the marriage contract for any such reason ? Don't talk such rubbish to me." "You woo capital, titles, dignities and social position. Do you consider this any worse than marrying for mere beauty's sake? It [is purer? That's all nonsense ! it is high time we threw aside these marinated ideals and admitted the truth. Believe me, it is high time — for out of a hundred marriages, ninety-nine are made for some motive of self-interest. Let me say one word more : if I were poor, as poor as a church mouse, and married for 5,000 roubles, you would not think of despising me, though those 5,000 would not be more necessary to me to live than these 5,000,000. Do you understand me ?

It is a mere question of arithmetic, though you insist upon treating it as a moral one and preaching me a sermon. I repeat it — this is an arithmetical question, not a moral one." He seemed greatly pleased with his words, and looked at me quite triumphantly. I did not answer, because I was really quite indifferent as to the views he held. I could not feel moved by his cynicism, which was too coarse to appeal to me. "As for love," he continued, "it is mere idle chatter. In a year's time, or even after a month, the love no longer exists ; you may believe mv words. Then comes disillusion, treachery, and a rejoicing over a fresh scandal." " Is this quite unavoidable, in your opinion ? " I could not help asking. " Is it not possible to con ceive a different state of things ? " " In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred it is so.

Let us suppose you marry a beautiful girl, who has pleased you on account of her pretty face, and be cause her clothes are elegant and produce a fine effect. Supposing she gets small-pox, or that her dressmaker takes it into her head to spoil her clothes. Ha, ha ! what becomes of your love then ? You beat a hasty retreat." He was evidently delighted with himself. His common expression seemed to himself astonishingly convincing. Was it worth while reminding him that we could see hundreds of examples of honourable and happy marriages around us at this moment, and that he was looking at the world from his own low standpoint ? Certainly not. But I felt if he went on we should come to blows. I was in the unpleasant situation of a man who is insulted without any reason by a drunkard in the street.

Fortunately one of Baebmatschow's friends came up at this moment, and the conversation took another turn. I remained for a short while, and tried to join the party in drinking, but gave it up, and returned home.

Chapter II. When

I awoke next day, I felt calm and indifferent. " I am certainly not in love," I thought to myself; but scarcely had this thought passed through my mind, than I felt a sort of tighten ing of my heartstrings ; it was as if something had suddenly awakened that had hitherto slept. And from that very moment I appeared to be borne down by some outside overwhelming power. I did not know whether that power was for good or evil ; I only felt that I had entirely changed my nature. This feeling at my heart was mixed pleasure and pain. I continually contrasted in my mind the two evenings I had with Nadine. Each one of her words, and the expressions of which she had made use, came back to mind, and I felt as if I saw her and heard her more distinctly than when I was in her presence. "Why do I love her?"

I asked myself. Surely not because she is beautiful ! I have met many more beautiful girls, who have not moved me in the • slightest degree. She has never given utterance to anything at all remarkable ; indeed, she is very much like other girls, and yet she has crept into my heart, she has found a chord there which had hitherto remained untouched. Altogether I felt in the most confused state of mind ; I was only clear on one point, and that was, that I wished to marry her. And I reflected how beautiful life would be if my hopes in this respect were realized. I was not yet able to paint the rosy future in clear colours to my mind : I only felt a general im pression. It seemed to me as if some magic chord had been struck in my heart, the separate notes of which I was unable at present to distinguish.

But I knew the tones were fresh and pure. I seemed to have torn myself completely away from my past life, as if I were looking down upon it from a higher plane. I saw much that was unlovely in that past life, but I realized that this had only been possible as long as my spiritual nature had not been awakened ; now such things were completely strange to me. Then anxiety came upon me. I began to think my dream would never be realized. What right had I to hope that she would become my wife? If she accepted me, it would be out of love ; and why should I suppose that she would bestow her affection on me rather than on that Staff Officer? I remember the recollection of that man worried me not a little. I do not know why I gave him the preference and not the young, fair-haired man with the silken moustache, or the nine or ten other young men who were doubtless paying court to Nadine without my being aware of the fact.

I tried to console myself with the reflection that he had a hideous voice, and that he was a very com monplace man ; but it was of no avail. Perhaps she thought my voice ugly, and considered me a coxcomb. My opinion went for nothing — only Nadine's counted for anything. Then very foolish thoughts came into my mind ; and when I recall it now, I fall to pitying my poor former self. This is why I linger over these details, to which I have never before alluded. My excitement became all the keener because of my desire to go to the house. I nearly fell ill, and it was with the greatest difficulty that I could postpone my visit to the proper time demanded by the usage of society. I was very nervous, lest my appearance should cause Nadine astonishment. Perhaps the Princess had only asked me out of politeness, and had not reckoned on my presenting myself so soon.

It was, however, quite impossible to me to postpone my visit to the following day-. So I went with much misgiving and trembling of heart, as if I were being forced into it by some evil genius. I felt certain that the meeting would prove decisive, and I pictured to myself that I should know my fate before I left the house. But I was mistaken. The visit was quite an ordinary one, and passed off without anything par ticular taking place. I paid something like twenty visits after this, with out bringing about any change in our relation to one another, except that I was no longer merely in love, but loved with all my heart. I learnt to know Nadine. More than ten times I felt it was my duty to speak, and the expression of her face seemed encouraging, for though there was neither joy, love nor pride in her face, yet she seemed to say : You have spoken well and acted rightly.

Others did not see it in the same light : sometimes I thought she did love me, and that on the morrow I would ask for her hand. But when the morrow came, I found a changed expression on her face. The old Princess was as amiable towards me as she was to all the other guests. Amongst these were five or six unmarried men, three of whom were obviously in love with Nadine, but they roused in me no particular jealousy, for it seemed to fritter away when divided amongst them all. I only knew that I should be terribly unhappy if she became the wife of another. At last I came to a decision : it was on Christmas evening. The Princess had provided a Christmas tree for her little nephews, and, as is the custom, she inc vited the "grown-ups," who, having gazed at the tree in a hurried, nervous manner, hastened into the ad joining room, where the card tables were prepared.

Nadine was busy with the tree : she was distributing the presents, and was very merry. I was filled with the thought that some day she would adorn just such another tree for her — for my children. " Nadine," I said, when she came to my side after the distribution was over, " can you spare me a few moments ?" " Yes ; what do you want ? " she asked, astonished. I was confused and afraid, as if I had been meditating some wrong thing. My thoughts must have betrayed themselves on my face, for she looked at me attentively, and then she blushed. I saw that she had understood, and felt inexpressibly thankful that this was so. " Will you be my wife ? " I asked softly. " I will," she answered, in a slow, measured tone. I was surprised at myself for being able to listen quietly to such an answer. I wondered why I did not scream for joy, or commit some other folly.

The stream of happiness that flowed through my heart was so overpowering that it seemed to carry away with it all the grief I had ever known in my life. She saw this, and smiled ; then she waited for me to say something. But I could not speak. I could only gaze upon her with the delicious consciousness that she was mine — that even to me belonged the thoughts and feelings that were sparkling in her eyes. " Shall we go at once to my mother ?" she said at last. " At once ! " I said, in astonishment. It struck me that this was childish and almost absurd. But it was not absurd. We found the Princess alone in the dining-room. She listened to the news without displaying any excitement ; she only smiled, and said she would give her consent. In a moment the news spread among the guests, and they at once offered their congratulations. Then they brought us champagne — and somehow this seemed to me a touch of prose after the poetry.

Chapter III. Then

began so fair a time in my life that no subsequent events could ever efface its memory. You must have noticed what a sense of comfort we feel when we meet with a truly sympathetic person, even when we hear nothing of special interest fall from their lips. The sense of comfort we feel is merely in the fact of our meeting them at all. This is the feeling we both had, my wife and I. Each was happy in the fact that the other existed. At least, it was the case with me, and I believe she felt the same. Every impulse of my life was associated with hers : her image filled all my thoughts, even though I was not always conscious of it. Her soul was like a coloured glass, through which I looked out on the world. But mine was not the blind love that turns a man into the slave of the woman. I was always the element of strength, and she of pleasure.

You were away at that time travelling, if you remember. I was sorry at the time, for I often longed to cry out to you, " Was there ever such joy ? " Now I regret it still more. WHOSE WAS IHE BLAME 21 My work often detained me in St. Petersburg, but we always spent the summer in the country. The Princess died during the first year of our marriage ; she wandered in her mind considerably during the last illness. Nadine mourned very deeply for some days, and this sorrow seemed to bring us nearer to one another: she felt that I was everything to her, and I was proud that it was so. We lived completely for one another. She never showed any interest in my business occupations, out of consideration for me ; and I liked to have it thus, and to see her happy and merry. Our house was always filled with guests, and we were always giving balls, dinners, and pic-nics.

You cannot think how many fell in love with her, and considering her beauty and intelligence, this was scarcely surprising. But I give you my word for it, no pang of jealousy ever entered into my heart — not because I believed it impossible for her to go astray, but because I knew she was incapable of deceiving me. When my wife smiled on one, or nodded to another, or begged a third to come as often as possible, there came to me none of that petty jealousy such as a lackey might indulge in. I say a lackey, and I condemn the feeling, because an honourable man should not be capable of such smallness. He considers everybody as honour able as himself, as long as he is cleverly deceived. I do not mean to intimate that my wife deceived me at that time — no, she was absolutely free of blame ; but there are so many who drive their wives into guilt by showing suspicion.

Of this I was not guilty. She deceived me (yes, Vladimir, I now tell you what you never suspected up to this day), because there was this evil latent in her heart. But for this, she would have been perfect. I was happy as long as I believed her to be perfect, and as long as she would still respect herself. There is something in all of us that rebels against perfection. I sometimes thought that she deliberately forgot her dignity, for her treachery But we will come to that later on. You know that I was always of a religious nature. I seldom go to church, but I am always convinced that there is a God above who protects, saves, punishes, and loves us. For this reason I feared nothing at that time. I knew that evil and danger existed, but I thought they would not come near me. Again I am wandering from the point.

I have not yet described to you the fulness of my happiness. When a son was born to us, I felt that I had realized the greatest joy that can fall to the human lot : my whole life seemed to be bathed in the sunshine of joy. Often in moments of depression I had looked upon myself as useless in this world, for the business I was managing could have been equally well managed by thousands of others ; now all at once was revealed to me the end and object of my life, for I felt my duty towards this little child, and from the moment when I heard his first cry, I felt I could devote myself entirely to him. From this time onward I seemed to exist only in relation to the child. Everything I did was done with a view to his future, and this consciousness was a source of real joy to me and raised me in my own eyes !

My wife was able to nurse the child herself, and this was a further tie between us. Of course we committed many follies at first, for young parents are often ridiculous; but they are not ridiculous when they tremble for the health of their child, when they gaze with pale faces into the cot where the little one is tossing about, neither know ing what is the matter with it. They are not ridiculous when they are ready to sacrifice everything for this same little creature, who is still too small to distinguish his father and mother from strangers. They are not ridiculous when they seek with faltering voice the help of the physician, and when they joyfully take all sorrow upon themselves, in order to bring back a smile to the face oftheir child. But there are bad fathers and bad mothers, who behave to their children as a bitch to her young, who will calmly look on while her puppies are being strangled in the snow, and who, after a year, will not know her young again.

There are people who are not capable of sacrificing their pleasure to their young, who often complain and say that children are so dis turbing and troublesome — these are contemptible people. Others, again, say : " Why should one worry about children, or tremble for their health ? Everything depends on the will of God. He alone can help our skill, or that of the physician avails nothing." And yet the same people, if a house were burning, would all cry for help, and would not be content to rely on Divine Providence. Lies, lies everywhere ! Let people lie if they cannot do anything else, or if it is necessary-, so that they may distinguish them selves by the originality of their views. But why should they drag God's name into it? Why should they use religion, the purest and highest good of our lives, as a mantle to cover their base selfishness ?